Why I Am Appalled By High School English

Seeing as how I love both reading and writing, you'd think that English would have been my favorite subject back in high school. Nope! In fact, in many cases, it was my least favorite class. Why? Because of the choices of books my school implemented in the curriculum.

I feel like in order for something to be classified as worthy of our time, it has to be either (a) depressing as eff (case in point: Sophocles, R+J, John Steinbeck, Brave New World, etc.), (b) disturbing as eff (case in point: American Psycho, Clockwork Orange, 1984, Titus Andronicus, etc.), or boring as eff (case in point: all the other books).

And what is the result? A whole lotta high school kids who, under the books section of their Facebooks and Myspaces (assuming they are even literate enough to get to this point), have written things like:

"i dont read."

"books r gay."

"twilite and fiftey shades of grey i gess. i dont rlly red much, tho."

"whats a book? oh u meen movies."

Every time you say these things, a hoverball kitty deflates. :(



Kids learn to associate books (which they hate) with school (which they hate even more), and exams (which they hate most of all). The result is a knee-jerk Pavlovian reaction that induces cold sweats, test-taking anxiety, and the disturbing feeling that somehow, somewhere, your junior English teacher is lurking behind you like a vulture, waiting for your head to turn even slightly so she can bust you for cheating.

1. Antigone.
Why on earth would you choose this play? What kind of a message is this to send to young women? If you stand up for your beliefs, you'll die- so you better get your ass back to the kitchen? Also, it's depressing as hell (all the Sophocles plays are, and really, it's a play: it should be seen on stage, and not read in some stuffy English classroom.

Suggested replacement: Lysistrata.

Which brings us to:

2. Pretty much anything by William Shakespeare.
He is a playwright. Plays are meant to be seen and not read. I hate Romeo and Juliet; I get why they teach it, since it's one of the few classic works teens actually feel simpatico with, it really sends a bad message. I am appalled by how many people consider Romeo and Juliet the "ultimate" love story. Then again, I'm appalled by how many people are saying the same thing about The Book that Shall Not Be Named.

Suggested replacement(s): The Taming of the Shrew (paired with 10 Things I Hate About you, ofc) and Twelfth Night. Also, poetry by John Dunne. He's my favorite.

Or, conversely, teach Romeo and Juliet, and then juxtapose it against Jane Eyre or Pride and Prejudice. ("This is how it's done, ladies. Don't marry the first guy who tells you that you're hot- especially if his wedding vows could also be read as a suicide pact.")

3. Candide.
I had to read this book twice- once in college, once in high school. I disliked it equally both times. It's not fun. In fact, it's pretty much the ANTITHESIS of fun. The book basically makes fun of poor Leibniz's philosophies of optimism. Maybe it's just me, but Voltaire kind of sounds like an @$$h*le. And a bitter one, at that. I certainly wouldn't invite him to my parties. Maybe that's why the French tossed him in jail. Maybe he was going around telling people that this wasn't the best of all possible words, and would find themselves afflicted with syphilis, multiple gang-rapes, and having to settle for less. Hooray?

Suggested replacement: Don Quixote. It's just as satirical, and provides just as much of a running commentary, but it's fun! Adventures, swashbuckling, loose women, a fat guy on a donkey- this book has everything. And the best part is, the first book is light-hearted and funny, and the second book is bitter and jaded. There's something for everyone!

4. Pretty much anything by John Steinbeck, but especially Of Mice and Men and The Grapes of Wrath.
Don't get me wrong. I think it's fantastic that Steinbeck manages to capture the voices of the disenfranchised folk of the dustbowl times, but a lot of high school students aren't going to want to read about a bunch of old fogeys whining about how their crops won't grow. Lord knows, I was bored stiff, and kept sneaking Stephen King under the table until it eventually got me in trouble. Teach Steinbeck in college- especially graduate school; there, at least, the students will have some idea of what it means to be dirt poor and exploited.

Suggested replacement: Pretty much anything by Willa Cather. She also writes about the American frontier, but her characters are far more likable and younger, too. Her writing is absolutely gorgeous, and she could write anything from a poignant love story to an epic slice-of-life. Start the kiddies with My Antonia (especially after R+J), and then when you've got 'em hooked, spring Death Comes for the Archbishop.

5. Brave New World.
I really don't like this book. It's one of my least favorite dystopian novels. In fact, for the longest time, I thought I hated science-fiction because I couldn't stand the crap they were force-feeding me in my Satire and Humanities courses in high school. What the hell. Brave New World, 1984, Cat's Cradle- I don't want to read that sh*z! I'm in high school for god's sake; don't you think I'm depressed enough already?

Suggested replacement(s): Blindness (it's foreign and it's dystopian- two birds with one stone! Give them culture while scaring the poo out of them!), Anthem (it precedes both BNW and 1984, and it's super short), The Road, and Oryx and Crake. If you haven't read Oryx and Crake, check that sucker out right now, as well as it's sequel, Year of the Flood. I can't wait for the third book. I CAN'T-

6. The Miracle Worker.
Now hold on a second, you're thinking. The Miracle Worker is about Helen Keller; surely you're not about to discriminate against a deaf person! A deaf AND blind person who taught herself to speak!

Of course not! But instead of reading a shitty, hackneyed play about Helen Keller, why not actually read about Helen Keller? She wrote her own book about her own life- and a whole lot of it appears to have gotten lost in translation (which doesn't really say much for the hearing/seeing world, if you ask me).

Suggested recommendation: The Story of My Life. I always thought she was interesting, but I fell in love with her a little more when I found out via Lies My History Teacher Told Me that Helen Keller was also a feminist AND an activist, who fought for the rights of other minorities caught on the fringe! What a bad-ass!

7. The Crucible, Inherit the wind.
[Comment has been deleted for violating the English language and pretty much all sense of common decency- rather like these books]

Suggested replacement: