Alicia M. Rodriguez's Blog, page 10

Ten Simple Practices for Stress Free Holidays

The holiday season has arrived and despite the joy and merriment there is often a higher than normal level of stress. Here are my ten tips for bringing more joy and less stress into your holidays. Practice these and you will enjoy this special time of year while maintaining your well-being.

1. Remember the true meaning of our holidays. Connect to the meaning behind our festivities and celebrating. Are we celebrating shopping or are we actually celebrating each other? How might you realign your activities to the true meaning of the holidays?

2. Less is more. The USA is the “supersize” country. We do this with everything. We are the uber-consumer. Remember the simple things in life. Those are the things that touch our hearts. Bake cookies for someone you love. Share your Thanksgiving dinner with those who have no where to go. Have your children make their Christmas cards for relatives. Something made by hand, a meal or a gift, is imbued with love and care and much appreciated.

3. Learn when to say no and when to say yes. The holidays are filled with events and demands on our time. We have all experienced going to events when we would rather have stayed home. In advance choose what events you will attend and build in plenty of home time to share with those closest to you.

4. Practice generosity. There are so many people in our communities who are not as fortunate as you. Get involved to whatever extent you can with your community and the organizations that help those in need. You may not be able to feed the hungry on Thanksgiving Day but you may be able to buy a winter coat for a child in need. Be generous with your presence. Listen deeply. When speaking with another person be fully present. Be a compassionate witness for those who have difficulty at this time of year.

5. Celebrate in your heart.  True celebration comes from within. Celebrating your life and your loves, giving thanks for waking up each morning with another chance to grow and learn and love is worth celebrating intentionally. No need for a party to do this. A walk through snowy woods, or quietly sitting by the fireplace in contemplation is enough to connect to the gratitude in your heart.

6. Drop perfect. Let go of having to be the perfect host, the perfect daughter or son, wife or husband, mother or father. Wine stains and burnt bacon are part of life so why should now be any different?

7. Embrace cuddling. Cuddle your spouse, friends, your children and most importantly give yourself a hug. We are all in desperate need of human connection in this wired world. A long cuddle on a cold morning is the best gift you can give to someone close to you.

8. Nourish yourself. This is the season that your self-care goes out the window. Be attentive to how much water you need to drink, to your nutrition, your exercise and don’t forget to sleep enough to feel refreshed every morning. Nourish yourself with quiet spaces in your day to be reflective and to bring tranquility into your body and soul.

9. Move with Nature’s cycle. Winter is a time of hibernation for animals. Slowing down to the rhythm of Nature can nourish you and prepare you for the budding of spring. Nature calls us to be more introspective within the darkness of late mornings and early evenings.  Move with Nature’s rhythm and you will stay healthier and happier.

10. Connect to Spirit. I value this time as a gift, to slow down and reflect on the meaning of my life. I believe that we are but a drop in an infinite universal ocean whose movement generates ebbs and flows and whose true nature is a mystery. On these darker mornings I enjoy the changing color of the sky and the movement of the trees in the wind. These elements often bring me to tears as I sense the mystery of life manifest before my eyes. I am in deep gratitude on those mornings. Those moments keep me connected to my heart and spirit all day long.

Blessings to you and yours in this holiday season. May you be loved, may you love and may you find peace within.

Five Reasons To Forgive Yourself and How To Move Forward

Photo by Alia Wilhelm on Unsplash

“At the end of life, the wish to be forgiven is ultimately the chief desire of almost every human being. In refusing to wait; in extending forgiveness to others now; we begin the long journey of becoming the person who will be large enough, able enough and generous enough to receive, at the very end, that absolution ourselves.” ~ David Whyte, Poet

The last time I saw my mother she was smiling and laughing at nothing in particular. My mother has dementia and has had dementia for almost ten years now.  Each visit brings an onslaught of guilt and uncomfortable feelings.  Could I have done something different to ease this for her?  For years I discounted my heritage and all my ancestors and in doing so devalued her. How could I have been so heartless? How could I have stayed out all night and worried her to death when I was in my twenties?  Why didn’t I stay with her in Boston after I married? The list goes on and on.

I can count each transgression and easily relive the selfishness of a younger version of me. I want to reach back in time and slap that younger self, admonishing her that she is losing out on caring for the person that loves her most.  I want to call to her the warning that time is running out and she is wasting it on trivialities, ego-centric activities and hurtful behavior. But I cannot reach back in time and for many years I carried the burden of a wild adolescence that had no regard for the one who cared most about me.

There have been times when on bent knee I pleaded silently and tearfully for her forgiveness but she would have none of it. She simply continued her incoherent storytelling with a smile and eyes that were viewing something in the distant past. The best I could do was to stay present with her in her story allowing her to share whatever needed to arise unconditionally.

And then it happened.

During one visit I was again listening to her storytelling, laughing with her, sharing her jokes and following the winding path of her conversation when she suddenly stopped.  Something in her eyes shifted.  It was as if a light turned on for a moment.  And then she said it, even using my name, which she had not recalled for years.

“Alicia, I’m fine. Let it go. Focus on your life and move on. I’m fine.”

And with the same suddenness she disappeared into the fog, her eyes coated with the same film that hides the chapters of her life.  I burst into tears.

Grace is found in forgiveness.

We discover grace in forgiveness.  We unburden the baggage we carry with us when we are forgiven – and when we forgive.  Transgressions, real or perceived, carry an energetic and negative tether that creates a network of dark knots that expands as we continue to carry these transgressions through our relationships and into our lives. 

We believe that others hold the ability to release us through their forgiveness. When we surrender the power to forgiveness to someone else we lose the ability to recover our goodness and worth.  In truth, we each hold the power to forgive simply because we are the ones that need to forgive ourselves.

In the moment that my mother spoke I felt a release and then an awareness that the forgiveness I attributed to her was really within me.  I needed to forgive myself for my behavior and lack of awareness that created the guilt I carried with me.  What my mother did was make me aware that I needed to “move on”.  And to do so meant to forgive myself.

Five Reasons We Have To Forgive Ourselves.

1. The other person may not forgive you.  For years, I was haunted by past transgressions that caused harm to someone else. Maybe it was the boyfriend I cheated on or selfishly choosing to reject my heritage and therefore my parents.  The sting of the lies of the past and the impact on those that I cared about caused such shame in me that I became rigid about what was right and wrong. There was no one to call for forgiveness. Those relationships existed in the past and have long since moved on.  I had to forgive the teenager and the young woman who foolishly thought the world revolved around her needs. If you look back into the past you’ll notice you may be carrying shame too. It’s time to forgive the person you were so that the person you are can keep growing.

2. If you don’t forgive yourself then how will you keep going? You can’t make changes or move forward in your life carrying the weight of your mistakes.  Imagine putting all your past sins into a bag, adding to it each time you make a mistake. The bag becomes so heavy, the burden so great, that it is impossible to keep moving forward.  It’s time to put that bag down, to take out each item and to forgive and let go of the past so you can move forward in your life having learned the lessons that make you a better person than before.

3. You can’t forgive others if you can’t forgive yourself. You have to learn how to forgive starting with yourself.  If you cannot offer yourself compassion and forgiveness, you will never be able to offer the same to others. Life’s missteps are an opportunity to learn. These mistakes are useful in that they point you away from the person you do not want to be and make clear the path of growth and authenticity that you can choose for your life.

4. The shame of the past can only be transformed through forgiveness. I confess that I have intentionally caused hurt to someone else out of my ignorance or narcissism before I realized what true connection and love were.  I've learned that when I lash out, it is a projection of the anger or discomfort I feel towards myself. Unless I forgive myself, I will carry that anger into the world and project it onto others.  Change your anger into a call to attend to something that is hurting within you. Forgiveness is the alchemy that transforms shame into self-love.

5. To accept and value yourself you must embrace both virtues and flaws.  We human beings are flawed. We must accept that we are not perfect. We make mistakes and sometimes we make mistakes that hurt others. However, our mistakes do not define us.  They are opportunities to learn about ourselves, who we are and who we aspire to be. By acknowledging our flaws and our strengths, we can consciously choose how we live our life.

I learned to forgive myself and to incorporate practices that prevent those missteps that cause guilt, regret and shame. These practices are integrated into my life today because yes, I still mess up.

1. Practice conscious living.  Too often we hurt others due to our sheer ignorance or lack of empathy. We are not caring for others when our lives are so full and busy that we are unable to stop and notice how someone else is feeling.  When you are present to yourself and to those around you, you are conscious of your choices and actions. Your awareness of your environment increases. You will notice the person who is feeling sad or disappointed and offer them a kind word. So many of our regrets, the things we wish we had done or said, are due to sleepwalking through our lives. Observing yourself, learning about yourself and choosing your thoughts and actions means you are conscious and present to your life and to others.

2. Accept what you have done without denial or justification.  It's easy to justify our actions or to blame others for our mistakes. Take responsibility for your decisions and you empower yourself to choose wisely.  It requires that you face your transgressions and tend to that wound so that you can begin to heal. Do this with an open heart and allow self-love to flow so forgiveness may transform the pain into peace.

3. Identify what it feels like when you are angry, resentful or sad so that those feelings do not hijack you into doing harm to others.  These strong feelings can take us over, and we are left wondering how we could've behaved so badly. When you become self-aware, you notice when those feelings begin to arise so you can better manage your emotions. Of course you will feel these emotions at times. This is part of our human nature. Acting on them is what causes regret and shame.

4. Practice meditation and mindful breathing. Through mindfulness, you begin to recognize the impermanence of things so you can make healthier choices.  Nothing lasts forever whether it's joy or sadness.  Sometimes we have to endure the discomfort of the moment by breathing through it until it passes. And it always passes.

5. Forgive imperfection. Self-compassion means you accept that some days, you are doing the best you can do at the time. It's not perfect but it's good enough, and that's fine. Perfection is a heroic standard that no one meets. It sabotages your confidence and self-esteem.

How different would our world be if we forgave each other? 

Begin by forgiving yourself and let the waves of that forgiveness ripple out so that one day, maybe, the compassion and forgiveness you offer yourself can create more peace and tranquility in a world desperate for its own transformation.

* * * * *

P.S. My dear mother passed away June 2017. On her deathbed I sobbed and still felt like a child begging her forgiveness. Although I thought I'd forgiven myself, perhaps forgiveness is like a wave that comes and goes, each wave asking more of us than we were ready to release. Each wave taking those tears back out to the ocean of consciousness where the divine in us is the only thing granting redemption. I remember the rhythm of her breath changing even as she walked the path home again. I imagined that she reached out her hand, gave me a squeeze, a smile and with that next breath continued her journey once again showing me the power of love.

* * * * *

P.P.S. A version of this post was previously published in Tiny Buddha HERE.

The Truth About Spiritual Warriors

A few thoughts on Being A Spiritual Warrior

“We are more than we believe, perhaps better stated we are cosmic beings having an earthly experience. The question is whether or not we are able to live from our cosmic home even as we are earthbound.  I don’t know of anything more difficult, or more worthy of the effort.”

The path of the spiritual warrior is not based on a struggle of good versus evil or light versus shadow.  It consists of a surrendering to the present, a surrender that occurs when I realize that those things I struggle against or with are actually part of what is hidden within me.  When I accept this, I feel compassion for the being I am and the struggle can end. 

I have laid down my sword in the face of what is my truth and in that surrender is freedom.

The path of the spiritual warrior is a path of surrender, not struggle against. 

It’s a path of acceptance, not will.

It’s a path of love, not war. 

Because the goal of the spiritual warrior is unity with the divine to achieve true peace, the only road to peace is through a surrender to spirit. When the warrior in me surrenders to the fact that anything I fight is a projection, I discover that peace which comes from a feeling of love, compassion and unity. The real path of the spiritual warrior is this so that I can forge the path anew.

There is no slaying of dragons and heroic episodes but only to recognize that if there is a dragon, I am the dragon and the whole story is an illusion I created. 

It’s taken time for me to realize that my spiritual path is based on surrendering to what is true and present right now, in the face of all the stories I have created for myself or others have created for me and I accepted; and that the only way for me to grow spiritually is to give myself over to something greater than myself that cannot be defined.

Still, despite my stories and illusions there is something deeper that remains consistent and persistent.  It is that consciousness which continues to expand with the events of my life, the success and the failures, the joys and the sorrows, to integrate the lessons I learn and that no matter what constantly renews itself because that consciousness exists beyond me and always has and always will.

Five Questions To Discover Your Purpose

Do a search on the Internet for “find your purpose” and you’ll likely get hundreds of thousands of results. Actually 509,000,000 results. I did a search myself.

Are we so lost that we have to look online for tools, tips, resources and experiences around finding our purpose? Where should you be looking for that elusive thing called purpose?

You Already Know

When you were a child you didn’t stop to think about why you should play jump rope or run through puddles or skateboard. It was just something you did because you wanted to, because it felt good, because it was a way to express yourself.

You didn’t wait for someone to tell you the rules; you made them up yourself. And when you were done with your activity, you just stopped. If something else caught your attention you did that. You didn’t wake up each day with a to do list or a strategic plan.

Your days were filled with curiosity and learning, exploring new things and integrating those things that aligned with your joy. You came to know yourself through the activities you engaged in.

Watch children and you’ll see them move from one thing to another like butterflies among sweet flowers. Once they’re full, they move on. We adults, however, are controlled by arbitrary schedules and deadlines. They determine where our attention and energy flow even when we’re aware that it’s not healthy, wise or enjoyable.

More than one purpose

Purpose, how we make meaning, is not static. As we grow it changes. What mattered to you in your twenties is different than what matters in your forties or sixties. To say there is one purpose behind your life is to limit your potential, to cease growing and evolving into the most expansive version of yourself.

No one grows up saying they want to live a small, meaningless and indifferent life.

When you are constantly bombarded by images of the perfect woman, wife, friend, daughter, mother, teacher, entrepreneur, Instagram personality — on and on — you sub-consciously compare yourself to others. This superficial measurement outranks your self-affirmation. You begin to believe what others tell you about how your life should be instead of self-validating your desires and dreams.

The trouble with seeking your purpose is that you’re focused on the external as if purpose existed out there somewhere hidden behind glossy Instagram pictures and stories of successful people doing amazing things.

The dirty little secret behind a search for purpose is that it is driven by a need to be affirmed, accepted, loved, adored and valued. That is why people search “out there” for purpose instead of looking inward.

Five Questions To Discover Your Purpose1. What is it that you could not stop doing because it would be like not breathing?

I’ve been writing since I was ten. In third grade my teacher told me I couldn’t write. I went home devastated, crying as if my life were over. When I told my mother what the teacher said, she asked one of the wisest questions I’ve ever been asked. She asked, “Do you believe her?” My answer, “no”, came so quickly that my hurt ego never had a chance to interfere. “So what’s the problem? Keep writing,” said my mother. And I did. Not because I cared about my teacher but because I cared about my soul. I could not stop writing because it would be like not breathing.

2. What’s happening when you lose track of time?

Watch great performers, musicians, athletes, and artists at their craft. Look into their eyes and you will see both a vastness and a focus of intention. There are those moments of exquisite presence where the world falls away and all that is left is the deepest part of your soul expressing itself through your art, skill or talent. That vastness is the connection to a universal energy that allows your art to flow. The focus is your intentional channeling of that energy into the activity that involves you completely. What is that for you?

3. What would you do if money or belonging were not an issue at all?

These are the two principal drivers of self-censorship when it comes to going after what you really care about. If you feel that your longing is at odds with making a living you’ll never go after what truly matters to you. Money is the biggest saboteur of dreams. If your approach to money is from a place of scarcity then there will never be enough money to follow your longing. There will always be an excuse NOT to listen to the little voice of longing.

What if you decide to take that courageous step into an unknown future, the one where you’re doing what you know in your heart you’re meant to do? And then people leave you or ostracize you because now you are no longer “one of them”? Our need to belong is so strong that it will keep you from being “different” than others.

Artists are keenly aware of the pain of isolation when they can see the significance of their art and others have not yet understood its value. It requires a strong sense of self and self-worth to step out of the circle of the masses into your own unique orbit around the sun.

4. What if you already knew your purpose?

I’m all for reflection and mindfulness as a means to listen to your inner truth. But it’s not enough.

Clarity comes from reflection paired with action and followed by assessment and re-engagement.

In other words, get off your butt and do something, anything that has a possibility of engaging your senses and brings you a sense of accomplishment.

Take things on as if they were an experiment, not a decision. Unless you try on new things you’ll never discover the potential of what is possible for you. You may fail at some things and succeed at others but if you don’t act you’ll never get further than your couch.

“Follow your longing. It knows where it’s going.”

5. How do you want to be remembered?

You build your legacy the moment you become aware of wanting to make a difference in the world.

Will you be remembered for being the best couch potato ever or will you be remembered for your art, for your kindness or for your creativity?

What do you want to leave behind for the betterment of a person or people or simply for your own sense of meaning?

“Choose what you really want because you’ll need to put 150% into it and you don’t want to put 150% into a compromise.”

Most people don’t like it when I tell them to stop seeking their purpose. Asking, “What is my purpose?” leads you through a maze to nowhere. Stop looking for your purpose out there.

Get to know who you are today and purpose will find you. As you age what you care about will change. That’s how you grow and evolve. You will discover that there are many ways, not just one way, to express yourself authentically.

Ultimately purpose is the result of being authentic and living in harmony with that. Seek self-knowledge and you'll find your purpose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First published on Thrive Global/Medium

Ready to explore your Purpose. First get Fierce.  Enroll in Ten Lessons On Being Fierce, an online course for women who who want to live fiercely and on purpose.

What do you tell the children?

Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash

I have been thinking about what is happening in the USA and in other parts of the world from my vantage point in Ecuador. Natural disasters, corrupt governments, the bloodstains of hate in city streets and remote villages.  

I chose to stay silent as I processed my own feelings and allowed a kind of emotional distance to pass so I could speak with greater clarity about my thoughts. I’m choosing to share this with you because it may provide a new point of view for my readers. You may agree or disagree and both are fine.

I am Latina, of Colombian parents, and am married to an Ecuadorian man. I choose to live part time in the USA and part time in Ecuador. This living between the oceans has disconnected me from geographical boundaries that limited my identity. I feel more a part of the earth than any one area of it.

My perspective goes beyond the labels we attach to others and to ourselves.  I too struggle with the news that pours out of the television and flashes across my computer screen. I struggle with the knowledge that the country I called home would elect a person with values so contrary to what I stand for and what I believed others in the USA stood for.  

And there’s the rub.  We as a country became complacent.  We do NOT like discomfort or pain and yet thousands of people responded to his message as a way to move through their pain. There is a profound lesson here that goes beyond an election.  

How willing are we to look into the darkness that is hidden behind the niceties of our culture to recognize that there is something brewing here that like a volcano is erupting with all the violence of any natural disaster?  

What can we learn from this?  Who do we have to become to take a stand for goodness, for our heritage, for our very existence?

There are profound lessons to be learned here.  To be short sighted is to deny ourselves the value of our existence as humans, not solely defined by the arbitrary labels we place on ourselves and others.  I am taking the long view.

I believe that before every rebirth comes death and destruction.  We see this in nature. I remember standing by the Chesapeake Bay after Hurricane Sandy had torn apart the place I lived. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel the pain of death. I stopped resisting what was being destroyed until I came to such a peaceful open place within myself.  

When I opened my eyes I could see the beginnings on new plants and the birds that returned to rebuild their nests. The water shifted from the violent rocking to a peaceful glass-like state.The world was born anew.

Everything comes in cycles - it’s a universal law.  We are in a death cycle in anticipation of a rebirth.  It is not comfortable.  There will be pain.  And yet those of us who hold love at the core of all we are and do must stand by the water and surrender to the destruction of old ways that no longer serve us so that a renaissance can occur, driven by the generative and creative spirit of the best we have to offer.  

We are between stories, between a dying one and another being born.

These times require radical trust, when everything feels like it's falling apart.  From that place right action may be taken individually and collectively to create a new more conscious world.

What do you tell the children?  

You tell them that this too shall pass.

You tell them that they are being called to show up with their very best to help us move into this renaissance.  

You tell them that at the core of everything love will always survive.  

You tell them to hug each other, hug those unlike them.

You tell them to listen and learn to be present to pain, their own and others, so that we can all learn and serve one another, truly, not just in words. 

You tell them that no one defines who they are, that they are at choice to be the men and women that boldly stand up for their families, their communities.  They will always have a choice no matter who is in power.

Lovers will continue to love, artists will continue to create, writers will use their words to spur change, and women will learn where their real power lies and will finally embrace that without the conditioning of the culture.

We do not have to change into monsters because of monsters. 

I hope this helps your process and that you receive this with an embrace from another who feels deeply the pain in our world... and has learned to stand in it with an open heart.

Please don't have a nice day.

Photo: Unsplash - Amy Spratt

“Please don’t have a nice day. Have a day that matters. Have a day that’s true. Have a day that’s direct. Have a day that’s honest. A nice day…mmm…you’ll be miserable…Have a day that means something.”  ~ Harriet Lauler (played by Shirley McLaine) in the movie The Last Word

I was flying at 30,000 feet on a recent flight when I heard these words. They're from the movie The Last Word starring Shirley McLaine as the character who speaks these words, Harriet Lauler.

In The Last Word, Harriet is a retired businesswoman who tries to control everything around her. When she decides to write her own obituary, a young journalist takes up the task of finding out the truth resulting in a life-altering friendship. (from You Tube clip)

There’s a message that is woven throughout the movie that is best illustrated in one particular scene. About 2/3 into the movie, Harriet, at eighty, becomes a disc jockey and starts her program with the words above.

The words caught me by surprise. Like a distant echo they resonated inside me, calling me to attention through a half sleepy fog on my flight back to Ecuador. I was reminded how often I hear those words on phone greetings or as a goodbye to personal meetings.

I always found them to be shallow and a bit trite.

“Have a nice day.”  What does that really mean?

Does it mean my day will be easy, comfortable, without any surprises?

Does it mean that the sun will shine and flowers will bloom as I walk past?

Does it mean that all heartache, illness and catastrophe will miraculously cease in the world?

I don’t want to have a nice day.

It’s not that I don’t want all these things. It’s not that I wouldn’t welcome a day of ease and comfort with the sun shining and only good news flooding my social media.

But that would be it, wouldn’t it? It would end there in ease and comfort.

And I would be just as I have always been, no growth, no evolution, nothing creative to offer the world or myself.

She’s right. I’d be miserable.

What if every day you woke up and wished yourself a day that was true, honest, direct?

What if every day you chose relationships and activities that changed you, made you better?

What if every day you consciously sought meaning and significance doing things that really matter to you?  Not doing things that matter to others but doing things that matter, truly matter, to you?

Your life would be fully aligned and in harmony with your deepest purpose. And from there you would affect those around you generating the energy of possibility in every encounter.

That would become your legacy.

Those small moments, like pearls on a necklace, fragile encounters along a string of time that together would create a beautiful and masterful life.

How could you wish for anything less?

Too easily we become burdened by our daily routines and responsibilities. They are at the forefront of every morning. These tasks that we believe make up our lives that hold little meaning in the face of life’s existential questions.

We lose our direction, forgetting the reason we do what we do.

We forget what really matters especially when the challenges of surviving in a complex, fast paced and often cold and hostile world overwhelm us.

We must not forget who we are truly, that glowing flame that lights the way for us through infinity.

Even if it is only for one moment when we open our eyes and breathe in the new day, to be conscious that we can choose to look for beauty and experience grace in the smallest moments.

That yes, our lives matter but only if we choose for them to matter.

Only by embracing the truth of who you are can you create a life of significance.

So, no, I’m not going to wish you a nice day.

I’m going to challenge you to have a day where what you do matters so that you will finally understand…

...that you matter more than you ever knew.

 

If you're interested in seeing the trailer for The Last Word movie, here it is.

 
 

Photo Source:

https://unsplash.com/collections/3716...

Ten Mistakes People Make During Life Transitions

“Everything in life is in constant motion. Every moment is a mini rebirth, a moment of renewal. To move through life unconscious of this universal movement diminishes our ability to intentionally create the life we are destined to live authentically, powerfully and gracefully.”

~ Alicia M Rodriguez

Nothing in life brings our attention to the present moment like change. We coast through our lives unconsciously assuming tomorrow will be similar to today. But what happens when life conspires to awaken us to new possibilities for our lives? You find yourself on the ledge, looking into a void that holds no ground for anything you knew previously. To stay on the ledge is no longer acceptable.

How do you find the wings to fly towards a new possibility that exists when emptiness becomes the invitation for emergence?

I’ve worked with thousands of people who have been standing on that ledge, knowing they could no longer remain there and afraid to move should they fall into the void. They deny their intuition, caving to the mind that sends messages of fear and conformity, acting as if there could be a knowable plan. 

There is no denying a longing, a call and the element of synchronicity. But it doesn’t happen on a set timetable no matter how much you wish it were so. The waiting becomes unbearable and yet if you sink into it you’ll find that the answers will appear unforced and at the right time.

Your default is to “do something”! If you do something, anything, then you are moving forward, being productive and the illusion of control returns deceiving you into believing that you are doing the “right thing”.

That’s when you make mistakes that can actually delay getting to the destination intended for you.

Here are the ten mistakes I see people consistently make as they attempt to go from here to there in their life.Impatience. And who isn’t guilty of that? In our hurry up world, you have a kind of alarm clock that goes off at a certain time, a mythic schedule that you must meet. It actually doesn’t exist but that sense of urgency is ingrained in us as much as our need to be doing something. It eases our discomfort but the relief may not be worth the deviation on our path. Discomfort is a doorway to growth .External Affirmation. This occurs when you’re convinced that you’re crazy and everyone else knows better than you. The thousand of well meaning voices drown out the wise wisdom that is your true compass. No one has to live your life so why are you so concerned with what others think about it? Myopia. Myopia occurs when you are so focused on the ONE right thing you must do. You lose your peripheral vision and miss the possibilities that surface on the edges of your life. Synchronicity lives on the edges of your life , just beyond your focused view but not outside of your reach. Focusing on the ONE thing you believe is your answer blinds you to other possibilities.Lone Wolf Syndrome. Independence is positive but not to the extent where you believe that you are completely alone in your endeavor to change. We are humans and we need one another. Asking for support takes more courage than living in a vacuum, not being touched and not touching anyone. Asking for assistance, another point of view or just asking for friendship and support in difficult times nourishes you. You learn from others and give others the joy of being helpful to you. This is part of the lessons you learn through personal growth.Inertia. You do nothing. Since you don’t have a clear picture of the future you just don’t try to do anything at all. Meditating and reflection alone are not enough. Engaging with others and new activities, approached as an experiment, not seeking the one answer, teaches you about what you really value and where you find meaning and purpose. These experiments may surprise you. You’ll feel depleted when you expect to feel energized. Or you feel inspired where you never considered that activity as an option in your life. Another form of inertia is what happens called “analysis paralysis”. You have so many possibilities you can’t choose one. You submit to analyzing every possibility and forget that life is about experiences not scrutiny. Get out there and experiment with the option that feels most energizing. Curiosity is your greatest ally.Doubt. Inherent in life transitions is the unknown. Only in the unknown can there emerge something truly new. Everything you already know will only produce an iteration of the same thing. If you are not intentional you will default to your safe place, your previous sense of self, which you know. Doubt enters because something new wants to surface. Rely on your innate wisdom, your intuition and your feelings to trace a path forward. If it doesn’t feel good in your heart or in your body, it’s probably not right for you. Let your intuition and feelings be the litmus test. Your mind is expert at rationalizing and creating fear when the process involves a new identity of self. The ego does not want to let go of it’s safe place. Control. You cannot control everything, actually most things. You can control your response. Being present to what is right in front of you allows you to notice synchronicity. Life produces what I call “cosmic chuckles” or what one client calls “God winks” which I’m sure are thrown on your path to see if you are paying attention. Pay attention to synchronicity. It’s how the Universe works its magic.Mindset. A positive mindset is one that is focused on CREATING something. A negative mindset focuses on AVOIDING something. Which are you doing? You cannot create from a negative mindset, only from a positive and optimistic mindset. What’s a mindset? It’s the thoughts that run through your mind that tell you you can or you cannot do something. They tell you to be excited or they shove fear into your heart. Change your thoughts, change your mindset, change your results. And guess what? You can control your thoughts.Premature Decisions. When you make decisions or commitments as a way to relieve the discomfort of change you are acting prematurely. You still don’t have a clear vision of what your life is becoming. In the absence of that vision, anyone else’s story will do. The external voices will win and you’ll move in their direction. Authenticity comes from knowing oneself. Get to know the person you are becoming and that person will make the right decisions at the right time. Self knowledge drives right action .Focus on Struggle. Sound familiar? Your attention is on what you don’t have or what’s not happening yet. Or you’re comparing yourself to others, feeling unsuccessful, incompetent or worse. Everything becomes a struggle. Logic may also support this focus on struggle. Just because it’s difficult it doesn’t mean it’s a struggle. Tap into non-attachment, become the observer of your own process, learn from your experiments, from your mistakes and from your victories. Celebrate what is present in your life now and express gratitude daily. Gratitude is the antidote to scarcity. 

There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have. If you cannot hear it you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls. ~ Howard Thurman

Life transitions are the invitation to go deeper into the fullest expression of who you are in the moment. They dare you to expand and amplify your space on this earth. They call you out, to express what holds the most meaning to you in service of shining your very special and unique light into the dark places of our collective soul.

Focus on the positive, maintain your optimism, get support and play and explore new ways of being in the world. 

Follow your longing. It knows where it’s going. ~ Alicia M. Rodriguez

Note: This post was also published at Thrive Global Journal.

 

Are you ready to follow your longing? Learn how to confidently and courageously go after what you want and deserve. Register for Ten Lessons On Being Fierce, a two week online course that will teach you the practices for standing up for yourself unapologetically and going after what matters most to you.

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What A Magic Phone Booth Taught Me About Love

Like a time travel machine, you could enter it and be transported to someone in another country and perhaps even in another life.

Somewhere in Norway the sound of a ringing telephone pierces a street corner telephone booth.  The incessant ringing must surely bring someone running, curious as to why this one specific telephone booth would be vibrating with urgency. 

The call went answered.

Somewhere in Boston I hung onto the phone pleading silently for him to pick it up. It was our date, the appointed time and place when the call could be placed to this magic telephone booth that everyone knew was a lifeline between friends and lovers in different parts of the world.

I met him when I was young and naïve. I was 23 years old and already a world traveler but not world savvy.  I worked as an international tour guide taking American groups to countries around the globe, a liaison between languages and cultures that provided a peek into lives unknown in places you read about in travel magazines.

We arrived in Oslo only to find that we were short on rooms. Now the local tour guides had nowhere to sleep.

I was working with Paul, an older man, seasoned in world travel and truly a gentleman, able to navigate cultural differences and befriend strangers instantly. I could learn much from him, I thought. 

One Norwegian tour guide was a young girl, I can’t remember her name, with golden, curly hair that blew everywhere in the wind matched by a glowing smile full of warmth and welcome. I liked her immediately.

And then there was Erik, a young and cocky Norwegian, half man half boy, with a mischievous smile and a sense of humor to go with it. I had a history of being attracted to bad boys.

I never had a chance.

We approached the hotel desk as we worked through the sleeping arrangements of the local tour guides. Standing at the desk with Paul I wasn’t aware of Erik sneaking up behind me and giving me a friendly poke in the ribs. Erik jumped into the conversation, spreading his charisma to anyone within view, convincing the front desk clerk that there were rooms available if only he looked harder. They magically appeared but still they were short one room, his.

“Not to worry,” he said. “I’ll just sleep in Alicia’s room.”

“You wish!” I retorted with my best feminist tone.  I had no idea how prescient that comment would be.

We spent two weeks traveling through Norway and Denmark by bus with a group of rather elderly couples, making sure they were healthy and well taken care of. So many interesting conversations! They were always ready to impart their life stories and words of wisdom.

And they were encouraging, fascinated and entertained by the obviously growing relationship between this American guide and the Norwegian Don Juan. I suppose everyone enjoys a love story especially when it unfolds before your eyes.

And yes, we shared a room eventually.

Once I left Norway we stayed in touch until one day there was a surprise knock on my door. I still lived at home and my mother answered the door. There he was, grinning from ear to ear, ready to lay his charisma on my mother.

He underestimated her.

She closed the door on him.  She saw what I could not see.

He came back. This time I answered the door and found him a bit more humbled on the doorstep.

He stayed in Boston with friends until he convinced me to move to Colorado with him.  He was an expert skier and could find work on the ski slopes there.  My mother pleaded with me not to go. Yet I broke her heart and went, such was the strength of his spell over me.

We lived in Denver in an apartment complex full of transient young people always ready for a party.  Marijuana, alcohol and sex fueled us during the weekends when the parties would turn into bacchanals.

Although I quickly found work at a local hotel, Erik spent his days playing and skiing whenever he could talk someone into a ride to the slopes.  I would return home after work only to find a group of people in the apartment playing cards or drinking beer. This was not how I envisioned my life.

I could feel myself slipping, losing myself and emotionally trapped. One night I had a powerful dream where I transformed into a flame.  In the dream a cold wind blew almost snuffing out the flame yet it stubbornly kept relighting itself in defiance. I found solace in my journal, the only way I could keep that flame alive and remember who I was.

I knew that if I stayed I would essentially die.

Our relationship was passionate but violent, like a bonfire out of control. I was addicted to the highs and lows, unwilling to be controlled but still too obsessed to leave. He was like a powerful drug. The highs were incredible. The lows were deadly.

After six months he said we should marry. I knew that was a bad idea. His visa was expiring. The only way for him to stay would be to marry. I finally said, “no”.

He left and returned to Norway but we stayed in touch via this one unusual phone booth on a side street in Oslo that only the students and young people knew about. Like a time travel machine, you could enter it and be transported to someone in another country and perhaps even in another life.

After a week of daily calls it happened.  There was no one on the other end.

Clutching the phone I couldn’t hold back the tears. Six months of grief exploded into sobs and a cathartic release. I mourned not for the loss of the relationship. I mourned for the loss of my innocence.

I mourned for the young woman standing on an ordinary street corner in Norway, in a strange phone booth, clinging onto someone that had no need or desire for her.

I listened for an eternity to the buzz of the inactive line until the line went silent and I placed the phone into its cradle sealing that chapter in my life. For years I had flashbacks haunting me, leaking into future relationships until I matured enough to understand why I had allowed this to happen and how I could transform the pain into wisdom.

There are no more phone booths now let alone the magic red booth that held the unanswered hopes of a lovelorn young woman. That young woman has grown into a mature woman capable of loving deeply. I thank Erik for teaching me about my power and strength and recognizing my capacity to love.

I’m wiser now, moving into my elder years with a man who knows how to love. Through this relationship late in life I learned that the only way to love another, deeply, authentically and spiritually, is to first love myself.

And never again will I allow the flame of my soul to be extinguished or compromised.

We are here to learn the most valuable lesson of all. We are all here to learn how to love. It’s a lesson that comes with pain and scars that must be transformed into wisdom and a deeper connection to our own soul.  As I embrace my partner that connection flows between us and I give thanks for all those who taught me, even Erik, the true meaning of love.

How To Be The Mother You Never Knew You Could Be

She knew how to distribute love. She did not know how to bring that back to Self-Love.

“You have to find a mother inside yourself. We all do. Even if we already have a mother, we still have to find this part of ourselves inside.”

~ Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

May is a big month for me.  May is the beginning of the warmer weather, where flowers bloom and Nature offers the invitation to join her in her spurts of vitality.  People seem to emerge from a lethargy left over from the chill of winter, pointing their faces to the sun like the cats that sit on the open window bathing in the afternoon sunlight.

There are numerous birthdays in May too. My sister, my niece, some good friends and most especially my son all have May birthdays. He turns 22 years old. 

Isn’t that a kind of turning point in a child’s life – no longer a child, headed into manhood and a future that promises nothing but the possibility of a life well lived? I wonder what will this young man do with his life and what role will I play if any. 

Birthdays are like that. They call attention to whatever is incomplete in us.

May also reminds me of several losses in my life.  My father died on May 8 while I was in college. That day is seared into my memory as the day the world, as I knew it, ended. All innocence was lost that day as I was forced to become an adult before I felt ready.

We moved my mother to a nursing home in May when the dementia exceeded my brother’s capacity to care for her. We knew we had to do it but the guilt was overwhelming. What would she say to me if she knew what was happening?  What kind of daughter does this?

To be powerless over the decisions of her life is something she would abhor.  To watch as she ebbs and flows over the years, to be present in her rambling conversations, has taught me deep compassion and presence. She has always been my guiding light, the love of my heart, and the keeper of my secrets shared only between us girls.

Like an exclamation point to the month of May is Mother’s Day.

I’m in the middle, between a son becoming a man and a mother becoming pure spirit.

It’s not that I feel tension. Actually I feel blessed to be able to observe this continuum of life, the beginning of one and the conclusion of another.  I am both at the same time, becoming and ending, in my own journey. I experience this paradox not as a polarity but more like a mobius strip that folds into itself over and over again.

Unlike so many of my friends, I never disliked my mother or even argued much with her. I have to admit to having her on a pedestal.  She showed me what it meant to be a loving mother.  And even so, there was one lesson that she taught me that I have had to unlearn in order to grow beyond “mother” to a whole and authentic individual.

When my father died, Mina, my mother, was left alone in a country where she did not belong with three teenagers, all at different stages of rebellion.  I was the oldest and because of my close relationship with her and my age we shared the burden of caring for my siblings and moving beyond the death of my father. 

Mina, my mother.

Despite not knowing English, she found a job and went to work, something my traditional father had not allowed her to do.  She modeled courage, gravitas and self-sacrifice taking care of us and walking the tightrope between being too controlling and being too lenient as we all exercised our rights to independence even as we grieved our loss.

I emulate her courage and I’m pleased to say that I've been called a bad-ass once or twice. It’s in my genes, inherited from my mother who in Colombia was known as “berraca” (bad-ass in Spanish).  And she was. She was fearless.

It’s the other lesson, the self-sacrificing lesson that I have had to unlearn. 

As an adult woman reflecting back on when my mother was the age I am now I see how she gave up the potential of who she had the capacity to become.  She was a flower in half bloom, with a longing for more but without the permission to allow herself the life she imagined.

Mina never knew her father. He died when she was a toddler. Her mother deserted her and her siblings when she was about thirteen. And then she died when my mother was fifteen. She had no role model for “mother”. She brought up her siblings as if she were the mother, never saving any of that nurturing and compassion for herself. 

She knew how to distribute love. She did not know how to bring that back to self-love.  She did not know she could indeed become her own nurturing mother.

I see this self-imposed self-sacrifice habit in so many of my female friends, whether they are mothers or not. As a gender we lack the ability to put ourselves first, to be the mother that holds and loves us, that pushes us when we feel self-pity and that kicks our butts when we knowingly do stupid things.

I’ve replaced the self-sacrifice habit with a self-care habit.  It has taken a long time and a great deal of consciousness to be able to say yes to myself regardless of the pressure from others.

There are three things that have helped me do this consistently.  They are simple but powerful practices.

1) Quiet time: This is the time that I pause late in my day to allow myself to feel my day, not just think about my day. I reflect on where my energy rises and when it feels heavy. What was I doing? Who was I with? Why was I there? This provides a barometer on making choices around what work I choose to do, who I want to be with and it keeps me focused on what matters most to me.

2) Self Observation Practice: During the course of my day I check in with myself as a practice so that it becomes an easily accessed resource during times of stress or conflict. I used to set an alarm on my phone that reminded me to practice observing myself. The question I ask myself is “What’s happening now, inside me and in my external world?”  I get in touch with my body that way and begin to learn the language of sensations.  I build my intuition through this practice by dropping from the rigidity and linear thinking of the mind to the more expansive and divergent orientation of intuition.

3) Energy Management: Energy follows attention. I notice where my attention is and shift it consciously to maximize my energy. I notice what distracts me and depletes me of energy and focus. I choose to diminish activities, and relationships, that deplete me and increase activities and relationships that inspire and contribute to my well-being.

These practices have taught me to be a mother to myself, to care for myself as I care for my dearest son.  These practices have removed any guilt and need for self-sacrifice simply by honoring my needs and respecting my place in the world as a worthy human being and a loving person.

These simple practices have made me stronger and more capable of being at service to others from that place of strength and love.

This Mother’s Day hug your mother. Appreciate her for her love but not for her self-sacrifice. Look inward and find the mother waiting for you inside, the one that will hold you when you feel alone, the one that will tell you that you are strong and worthy. No one but your mother, the one inside, can do that for you. That is the true gift of Mother’s Day.

Your Art As Prayer

Everyone is an artist.

I believe that.

Maybe not an artist in the ordinary sense.

Maybe you gag at a blank canvas or tremble in front of a naked sheet of paper. Maybe you can't carry a tune let alone read music.

Maybe the farthest you got as a sculptor was the little clay pots you made in primary school, the ones your Mom fawned over only to find their way into a forgotten drawer.  

Maybe you are the burnt toast, canned soup, microwave the shit out of the meal type of chef?

You are an artist, trust me.

Your art is what you offer the world.

It's in your words, your compassion, your intelligence, your wisdom. It's there waiting for you to let it out of the small confines of your body and mind to release it like wild, colorful balloons on a summer's day.

We are waiting for you.  The world needs your art. Especially now.

You are taking your art, your gift for granted. You are seeing it as ordinary, as nothing special. You may not even recognize the art that lives inside of you.

You think that your work is just a job. Your work is just a job if your art is absent, if there is no place for the expression of what is dear to you.

Life really is too short not to give your creative expression a playground. 

Think of your art in color, in form, in sound, in movement. What would your art look like, feel like, sound like, move like?  

Grant it the life it deserves. 

Let your art come out and play with abandon.

You are the warden, keeping your most creative expression hidden behind the bars of fear. 

What will the world think of you if you release the song, the poem, the sculpture, the meal, the drawing, the conversation that wants to come forth?

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.” 
― Pablo Picasso

What of your love, your compassion, your empathy?

Yes, that is art too.

All creative expression sources from Love.

How that love is expressed is up to you. Is it in your work?  Is it in your play? Is it in the kiss you give your loved ones or the playful hugs you give your children?  

Is it in the board room, in the classroom, in the doctor's office?

Is it in your activism as you put yourself out there to make the world a better place?

Where is it?  Go get it. Take it out of the hiding place.

Dare to offer your art up to the world, not as an ordinary resource but as a sacred prayer.

What is being called forth in you? There, that is your art. 

Offer it up dear one.

See your art as a prayer, as something sacred and worthy. Be the invitation to something more.

Once you begin to see your creative expression as sacred you will stop apologizing, you will stop being afraid, you will stop holding back.

You will come to honor your art as worthy of its own expression, powerfully, joyfully, prayerfully.

And so will others.

Until you do, no one else will.

We need artists, expressing love through their life and work, so we remember who we truly are even in the face of those who would tell us to remain small, silent, mediocre and hidden.

Do your art.

Offer it up as a prayer and you will be astonished by the answers your prayer receives.