Jess Riley's Blog, page 6
November 16, 2012
Brand Disloyalty
If you’re an entrepreneur—say, you set up your own shop on
Etsy, or you just opened a food truck, or you’re an artist, food blogger, musician,
comedian, or author—you’ve probably heard that you should be “branding”
yourself.
*slips iron branding poker into fire. To
stick in my eye because I just used the word “brand” as a jargon-y verb*
Anyway. If you hold a gun to my head and force me to
identify my brand, it’s this: commercial women’s fiction that cracks a towel on
your behind. That is to say, funny with bite. But what people find funny is
very subjective. Two years ago I was approached to ghostwrite a novel for a
celebrity—it was to be sweet, cozy, warm, “funny,” maybe with an element of
light mystery or magic, and recipes.
After I stopped panicking and throwing up, I sat back and
considered this. I can do cozy and warm in real life. In college, a bunch of
guys actually nicknamed me “America’s Sweetheart.” I garden, I bake cookies, I
rescue bumblebees from spider webs, I never forget a birthday, and I would
adopt every unwanted animal within a hundred mile radius if my husband would
let me. BUT: if I actually tried to
write something warm and fuzzy, every molecule in my being would mutiny. I’d snap.
I’d start out writing about a sweet, hapless woman who dreamed of opening a cupcake bakery
and finding Mr. Right, but instead she’d chuck it all to join a gluten-free, transgender biker gang, and
there would be way more jokes about skin tags and athletic supporters than should
exist in print, period. I just find sarcastic anti-heroes and their journeys to
redemption that much more FUN to write.
In other words, I like Jim Gaffigan a lot, but I like Louis
C.K. a lot more.
(Speaking of comedy, oh, do I have a great book to tell you
about in a few weeks!)
So I guess I’ve got my “brand,” and my next two novels--one
complete, one underway--enforce this. However, there is a book I am DYING to
write that goes way off my reservation. This is in keeping with a running theme
in my life: things going smoothly? Complicate the hell out of them! Anyway,
more on that later.
Next week: my favorite Brussels sprouts recipe, and let’s
help my friend December Gephart celebrate the release of her debut novel!
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Etsy, or you just opened a food truck, or you’re an artist, food blogger, musician,
comedian, or author—you’ve probably heard that you should be “branding”
yourself.
*slips iron branding poker into fire. To
stick in my eye because I just used the word “brand” as a jargon-y verb*
Anyway. If you hold a gun to my head and force me to
identify my brand, it’s this: commercial women’s fiction that cracks a towel on
your behind. That is to say, funny with bite. But what people find funny is
very subjective. Two years ago I was approached to ghostwrite a novel for a
celebrity—it was to be sweet, cozy, warm, “funny,” maybe with an element of
light mystery or magic, and recipes.
After I stopped panicking and throwing up, I sat back and
considered this. I can do cozy and warm in real life. In college, a bunch of
guys actually nicknamed me “America’s Sweetheart.” I garden, I bake cookies, I
rescue bumblebees from spider webs, I never forget a birthday, and I would
adopt every unwanted animal within a hundred mile radius if my husband would
let me. BUT: if I actually tried to
write something warm and fuzzy, every molecule in my being would mutiny. I’d snap.
I’d start out writing about a sweet, hapless woman who dreamed of opening a cupcake bakery
and finding Mr. Right, but instead she’d chuck it all to join a gluten-free, transgender biker gang, and
there would be way more jokes about skin tags and athletic supporters than should
exist in print, period. I just find sarcastic anti-heroes and their journeys to
redemption that much more FUN to write.
In other words, I like Jim Gaffigan a lot, but I like Louis
C.K. a lot more.
(Speaking of comedy, oh, do I have a great book to tell you
about in a few weeks!)
So I guess I’ve got my “brand,” and my next two novels--one
complete, one underway--enforce this. However, there is a book I am DYING to
write that goes way off my reservation. This is in keeping with a running theme
in my life: things going smoothly? Complicate the hell out of them! Anyway,
more on that later.
Next week: my favorite Brussels sprouts recipe, and let’s
help my friend December Gephart celebrate the release of her debut novel!
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November 11, 2012
Psst: The New Book is Out (And I Have Copies to Give Away!)
Okay, let’s get this party started. I am THRILLED to
announce that four years after Driving Sideways hit the shelves, I finally have
an answer for everyone who has ever asked when my next novel will be out. That
answer is TODAY! All the Lonely People is out today.
*faints from excitement...gets back up to finish the post*
So Jess, you may be asking, what’s it about?
Glad you asked! Here’s the synopsis:
After losing her beloved mother to cancer, 37-year-old Jaime
Collins must confront the ugly fact that she and her siblings don't actually
like one another. At all. Fueled by grief and an epic argument at Thanksgiving
dinner, Jaime decides to 'divorce' her siblings and posts an ad on Craigslist
for a new family for Christmas.
What happens next is a heartwarming, funny, and surprising journey to forgiveness
and healing. Is blood really thicker than water? And how far do we have to go
to find our way back home again?
Dedicated to anyone who has ever wanted to unfriend a relative on Facebook, ALL
THE LONELY PEOPLE is about family: those you make ... and those you make peace
with.
What are people saying?
"If your family is perfect and you've never felt lonely, or lost
someone, or feared losing someone, or loved someone too much, or not
enough ... if your heart is made of stone and you have no sense of
humor ... well, even then you might love this book. All the Lonely People
is a gorgeous, deep, layered, nuanced, hilarious and fabulously written
novel that will suck you in and hold you hostage to the very last
page ... and you'll be grateful it did."
--Danielle Younge-Ullman, author of Falling Under
"For every person who wishes they could choose their family, All the Lonely People is a perfect blend of heart and humor. Packed with quirky
characters and honest emotions, you won't be able to put this book down
until the last page."
--Eileen Cook, author of Unpredictable, Do or Di, and Getting Revenge on Lauren Wood
I didn't even have to get them drunk first! Also, a lovely woman in a book club I visited last Thursday told me she liked it even better than Driving Sideways. Check's in the mail, Tracy! Just kidding. But I will buy you a cupcake for being awesome.
It’s available exclusively for Kindle via Amazon for thefirst three months, mostly because I checked a box online without realizing it
was a 180-day contract. This is yet more evidence of my impulsivity (see
Exhibit A, my first marriage), but we’re OKAY! We’re okay. We’ll get to Nook
and Kobo and other platforms soon. Also! The paperback is in production; a few
unexpected kinks to work out, and I’ll let you know the minute it’s available.
To make up for my impatience in rolling out
the e-book first, I am giving away three autographed copies. Leave a comment
below, send me an email, or “like” my Facebook author page by December 1, and
you’re entered to win!
The Eleanor Rigby earworm is a free bonus. You’re welcome!
If you don’t want to wait for other formats but don’t have a
Kindle, you can easily download the Kindle app for your smart phone, iPad, tablet, or
computer.
And here’s a final teaser: I’ve included the
opening chapter for Mandatory Release . Yep, this is the prison book you may have seen me write of, and I've filled it with all kinds of goodies, including a recipe for "seg loaf"--something to wow the book club members!
Over the next few weeks I have all kinds of exciting new books and contests and such to tell you about, so stay tuned. (It's like I have a blog again or something!)
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November 3, 2012
And Now Presenting: my Mom
My mother told me that she participated in a staff training
event* last week that required homework of the attendees: completion of a
hand-out that seemed, to me at least, more a fun distraction or an Internet
meme than a training activity with substance. One of the questions stumped her for several
days.
“Quick,” she said to me, “what song am I?”
“What do you mean what song?”
“What’s a song that sums up my life?”
For some strange reason the first two songs that came to mind
were Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” and Alice Cooper’s “Only Women
Bleed.”
I know! What the hell is wrong with me? I did fall down a long,
hard flight of stairs when I was two, but come on. Gross! Sometimes I want to
give my brain a time-out in the corner.
My Dad suggested a Kinky Friedman song, because I know when
I think of my sweet Catholic mother, the first thing that comes to mind is
a crass Jewish comedian from Texas.
In the end, she went with “Ode to Joy” and “Highway to Hell.”
Another question on the list was, What is one of your
negative traits? (Or something like that. I’m sure I got the question wrong
and will be informed of my error after she reads this.)
She wrote, “I’m indecisive. Well, not all the time. Just
sometimes.”
*My Mom has worked in a medium-security men’s prison since I
was a baby, so…. since before cassette tapes. Despite having dealt with criminals on a daily
basis for many decades, she still maintains a sunny attitude, and is one of the
friendliest, most positive, generous, and compassionate people you’d ever met. I based a character in
Mandatory Release on her. Here’s one of my Mom’s actual quotes that ended up in
the book—a follow-up to a statement on how awful it can be to work in a prison:
“Oh, I’m not talking about the inmates! I’m talking about the staff.”
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October 17, 2012
Sneak-Peek of the New Cover
It's been almost five years since I shared cover art with you,
BUT LOOK AT THIS!!!!!
Do you remember that Disney commercial where the goofy, nasally-kid says, "We're too excited to sleep!" That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling these days. Well, also, I have a cold, but I got it from my adorable two-year-old niece, so it's hard to feel put-out. All virus-delivery systems should be so stinkin' cute.
Here's the full jacket:
Does it make you want to curl up with a cup of cocoa and read it? OHMYGODIHOPESO!!!
Sorry for screaming again. ("I'm too excited to be normal right now!")
I'll post more release details soon. There will also be a Goodreads giveaway in December. And if you're a book blogger/reviewer interested in an early read, send me an email and I'll hook you up with an e-copy the second it's available.
Alright, back to dishes and laundry and grant proposals and life. And writing. Because there's always another story to tell.
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Do you remember that Disney commercial where the goofy, nasally-kid says, "We're too excited to sleep!" That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling these days. Well, also, I have a cold, but I got it from my adorable two-year-old niece, so it's hard to feel put-out. All virus-delivery systems should be so stinkin' cute.
Here's the full jacket:
Does it make you want to curl up with a cup of cocoa and read it? OHMYGODIHOPESO!!!
Sorry for screaming again. ("I'm too excited to be normal right now!")
I'll post more release details soon. There will also be a Goodreads giveaway in December. And if you're a book blogger/reviewer interested in an early read, send me an email and I'll hook you up with an e-copy the second it's available.
Alright, back to dishes and laundry and grant proposals and life. And writing. Because there's always another story to tell.
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October 8, 2012
So, Two Drunk Guys Walk Out of a Bar...
Everything in our house is breaking.
First, the slow-close hinge in my new bathroom vanity goes all poltergeist on
me and explodes off the cabinet door in a fit of rage against the remodeling
machine: “You will not have nice things!” Then the toilet downstairs stopped
flushing. The flat-screen downstairs has been turning itself on and off, on and
off since last week, unable to commit like so many of my old college boyfriends. J’s phone also
keeps turning itself on and off, on and off—the tiny, fickle co-conspirator of
its large-screened cousin.
Then yesterday, as I was drying
my hair, my hairdryer died. It just went kaput, abandoning my hair to air-dry into
a cold, crispy mop. J had been gone since the morning, watching football and
playing darts and recharging his Testosterone levels. I can probably
count on one hand the number of times he’s shopped at Target without me, but it
was an emergency. So I called and begged: “Can you please stop on your way home
and buy me a new hairdryer? Mine just died and I can’t leave the house.”
Apparently, having wet hair turns me
into an agoraphobic.
Because he is awesome, he accepted
the challenge. And after a long day of football, darts, and beer, he went to
Target with his best friend to buy his wife a new hairdryer. Confusion and
hijinks ensued (“No, the electronics are over there!” “But the hair stuff is
over here!” “Excuse me, what can you tell me about the specs of these hair
dryers?” “Well, does she have curly, thick hair, or fine, straight hair?” “Hehe,
which one of you has a case of the frizzies?” “My perm’s been really unmanageable
lately…”)
Finally J returned, with my brand
new hairdryer and a nice case of the hiccups.
I was pleased but confused. Just the
hair dryer? No impulse purchases of any kind? The next part of our conversation
went kind of like this:
"I hope this one's okay. It was between this one and one that looked like a giant pink dildo, and I didn't want to be seen with that one."
"No, this is perfect." I inspected it cautiously. "So you just bought the
hairdryer? I thought you might also pick up those stick-on bats like we talked
about. For the blank wall in the living room."
We’re having a Halloween party in a
few weeks, and decorating the house has been an area of concern lately. For me.
J looked at me like I'd asked if he'd mind if I took a dump on the kitchen floor. "S. was with me. I’m
not going to drag him across the store to find some goofy Halloween bats."
"I know, but I can't believe
you just got the dryer... what would you do if I died?"
I don't remember how I made this
leap, exactly. It probably had something to do with the physics of shopping
at Target--namely, that no one in the history of the world has ever walked out
of there with JUST ONE ITEM. Thus, how would you get any household shopping done if I died?
J laughed, like this was the most hilarious thing he'd ever heard. "If you died
I wouldn't be decorating the house with bats!!!"
So at least there’s that.
And the endearing image of my husband, hiccupping in
the check-out lane at Target with his best friend from high school, buying just
a hair-dryer for his frizzy-haired, neurotic wife.
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First, the slow-close hinge in my new bathroom vanity goes all poltergeist on
me and explodes off the cabinet door in a fit of rage against the remodeling
machine: “You will not have nice things!” Then the toilet downstairs stopped
flushing. The flat-screen downstairs has been turning itself on and off, on and
off since last week, unable to commit like so many of my old college boyfriends. J’s phone also
keeps turning itself on and off, on and off—the tiny, fickle co-conspirator of
its large-screened cousin.
Then yesterday, as I was drying
my hair, my hairdryer died. It just went kaput, abandoning my hair to air-dry into
a cold, crispy mop. J had been gone since the morning, watching football and
playing darts and recharging his Testosterone levels. I can probably
count on one hand the number of times he’s shopped at Target without me, but it
was an emergency. So I called and begged: “Can you please stop on your way home
and buy me a new hairdryer? Mine just died and I can’t leave the house.”
Apparently, having wet hair turns me
into an agoraphobic.
Because he is awesome, he accepted
the challenge. And after a long day of football, darts, and beer, he went to
Target with his best friend to buy his wife a new hairdryer. Confusion and
hijinks ensued (“No, the electronics are over there!” “But the hair stuff is
over here!” “Excuse me, what can you tell me about the specs of these hair
dryers?” “Well, does she have curly, thick hair, or fine, straight hair?” “Hehe,
which one of you has a case of the frizzies?” “My perm’s been really unmanageable
lately…”)
Finally J returned, with my brand
new hairdryer and a nice case of the hiccups.
I was pleased but confused. Just the
hair dryer? No impulse purchases of any kind? The next part of our conversation
went kind of like this:
"I hope this one's okay. It was between this one and one that looked like a giant pink dildo, and I didn't want to be seen with that one."
"No, this is perfect." I inspected it cautiously. "So you just bought the
hairdryer? I thought you might also pick up those stick-on bats like we talked
about. For the blank wall in the living room."
We’re having a Halloween party in a
few weeks, and decorating the house has been an area of concern lately. For me.
J looked at me like I'd asked if he'd mind if I took a dump on the kitchen floor. "S. was with me. I’m
not going to drag him across the store to find some goofy Halloween bats."
"I know, but I can't believe
you just got the dryer... what would you do if I died?"
I don't remember how I made this
leap, exactly. It probably had something to do with the physics of shopping
at Target--namely, that no one in the history of the world has ever walked out
of there with JUST ONE ITEM. Thus, how would you get any household shopping done if I died?
J laughed, like this was the most hilarious thing he'd ever heard. "If you died
I wouldn't be decorating the house with bats!!!"
So at least there’s that.
And the endearing image of my husband, hiccupping in
the check-out lane at Target with his best friend from high school, buying just
a hair-dryer for his frizzy-haired, neurotic wife.
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September 12, 2012
Scary Stuff
I'm over at the Girlfriends Bookclub again today, blogging about fear and conquering our inner writing demons. And celebrating Halloween just a bit early, because it's my favorite holiday.
(Is this the part where I publicly admit to having recently liked MUCH more Halloween stuff on Etsy than I could even fit in my house?)
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(Is this the part where I publicly admit to having recently liked MUCH more Halloween stuff on Etsy than I could even fit in my house?)
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September 7, 2012
My Soul Takes its Pants Off and Moons the World
I recently learned that due to office budget concerns, my
grant writing contract will be cut by 10%. The concerns being that the budget
is a whirling black hole with a gravitational pull so strong everyone now pitches slightly to the left when they walk to the break room.
My reactions:
Yaay! More writing time! In theory!
Boo! Less money! For real!
Oh shit! J’s job is being considered for outsourcing next
quarter! REALLY less money!
Does Bach Rescue Remedy work better for anxiety than glazed
donut vodka or large animal tranquilizers?
Due to the budgetary vortex of hell, we just laid off a new
colleague who is also one of my dearest friends. I wrote her a letter of
recommendation today, and I wanted to add in small font at the bottom:
PS: Please don’t hire her. I’m clinging to the bright, unrealistic
hope that our budget deficit is simply a math error and she will be back at the
office next Tuesday.
And (this is the part that really makes my chest go all
tight) I am losing faith that traditional publishing is going to swoop in and
save the day by offering three suitcases of money for either of the novels currently
making the rounds in NYC.
One has been doing go-sees with the Big 6 and their imprints
since last fall, racking up heart-achingly close editorial rejections like
these:
“ … an out-and-out pleasure to read. Riley’s
writing is funny, energetic, and completely spot-on when it comes to family and
their many tragedies and triumphs. I loved the voice here and Jaime’s
wonderfully warm, wacky, and resilient way of looking at her life and taking it
as it comes. I’m a great fan of Riley’s writing and her smart storytelling
instincts.”
“Jess is clearly a talented writer, and I really
enjoyed her sense of humor.”
“I've been on the fence about this one. I think Jess
Riley is a very good writer who pays wonderful attention to the small, vivid
details in relationships…”
“I’m sorry I’ve held onto ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE for
so long. I was facing one of those editorial moments where you know you have to
let something go…but you just can’t bring yourself to do it.”
Of course, each one of these had a BUT attached to
it. (“I truly think you’re great; you’re such a smart, funny, pretty girl, and
you’ll make a great catch for some really lucky guy one day. But I’m just not that guy, and here are the
myriad reasons why …”)
Here’s my favorite BUT, condensed: “however, I’m
just not sure I can sell this book into accounts … ‘(it) isn’t quite book club’
… ‘humor isn’t quite cutting it these days.’ What it is: very cinematic…I wish this
would be a movie and then everyone would be rich.”
Me too.
Can you hear me screaming and crying and punching walls from where
you sit?
I’ll be chatting with my agent next week about my options,
none of which include glazed donut vodka, unfortunately. But at least there ARE
options, which is something you couldn’t say ten years ago, when I’d optimistically
march to the post office with a handful of queries and later, my full,
printed manuscripts tucked safely away in cardboard boxes and padded mailers.
Basically, what I’m saying here is this: I hope you have a
Kindle!
It’s time for this impatient, neurotic control freak to actually take
some control. I'm tired of dicking around. I might crash and
burn, but at least I can say I tried. And then drank some vodka infused with the taste of a Krispy Kreme cruller.
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August 1, 2012
Are Blogs Dead?
If you come here often, a) I thank you from the bottom of my heart; and b) I'll call you soon, Mom & Dad.
I have frequent absences from the blog, many of which occur when I'm swamped at work. And when I'm not cranking out a grant, lately I feel more inclined to garden, or try a new recipe, or read a book, or work on my own writing than blog.
Rumor has it that personal blogging is dead--replaced by shorter, more immediate, and more accessible Twitter and Facebook updates. Food blogs are still hot, as are certain topical blogs, but unless their owners had the creative energy to post more than once a week, many personal blogs (including many I once followed) have staggered into oblivion.
I am still posting shorter bits and pieces online. For random musings about my dog, my garden, pop culture, cooking mishaps, remodeling projects, or just funny shit I've observed, check out my personal Facebook page.
If you're an avid reader (particularly one with a Kindle, Nook, or other e-reading device), you can 'like' my author page, where I tend to post about new releases by friends, special e-reader deals, and book-related events.
Both pages feed into my Twitter account.
When I want to stretch my writing muscles with a longer piece, I'll still blog from time to time, noting such an event on either of my Facebook pages. (Alert the media! Midwestern author recalls how to string sentences together!)
I do have some plans for both my blog and my author website, though they'll have to wait until I have a new book out. And for news about that, don't worry....I'm sure I'll be braying about it everywhere I can.
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I have frequent absences from the blog, many of which occur when I'm swamped at work. And when I'm not cranking out a grant, lately I feel more inclined to garden, or try a new recipe, or read a book, or work on my own writing than blog.
Rumor has it that personal blogging is dead--replaced by shorter, more immediate, and more accessible Twitter and Facebook updates. Food blogs are still hot, as are certain topical blogs, but unless their owners had the creative energy to post more than once a week, many personal blogs (including many I once followed) have staggered into oblivion.
I am still posting shorter bits and pieces online. For random musings about my dog, my garden, pop culture, cooking mishaps, remodeling projects, or just funny shit I've observed, check out my personal Facebook page.
If you're an avid reader (particularly one with a Kindle, Nook, or other e-reading device), you can 'like' my author page, where I tend to post about new releases by friends, special e-reader deals, and book-related events.
Both pages feed into my Twitter account.
When I want to stretch my writing muscles with a longer piece, I'll still blog from time to time, noting such an event on either of my Facebook pages. (Alert the media! Midwestern author recalls how to string sentences together!)
I do have some plans for both my blog and my author website, though they'll have to wait until I have a new book out. And for news about that, don't worry....I'm sure I'll be braying about it everywhere I can.
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July 15, 2012
Sneak Peek of the "New" Novel
Hey, it's me again! No, I haven't forgotten about The Blog. I've just been busy remodeling my 130 year-old house again because I've lost my mind. Also, my new/old novel
Mandatory Release
is on submission again, as of two weeks ago.
If you'd like to learn what it's about and read a sneak peek, you can find it here. Go ahead! I'll wait here, hyperventilating.
This is the book I have been working on for nearly a decade. And I'll definitely let you know what happens. In the meantime, I should probably go water my gardens again because the last time it rained in Wisconsin, Tom and Katie were happy.Subscribe with Feedburner
If you'd like to learn what it's about and read a sneak peek, you can find it here. Go ahead! I'll wait here, hyperventilating.
This is the book I have been working on for nearly a decade. And I'll definitely let you know what happens. In the meantime, I should probably go water my gardens again because the last time it rained in Wisconsin, Tom and Katie were happy.Subscribe with Feedburner
May 23, 2012
The Perv Post
This week I wrapped up a monster grant that had to be submitted
entirely online. Everything, including letters of support and signature pages,
had to be scanned and sent electronically.
During the wrap-up meeting with my client, we decided to scan everything
right onto my jump drive.
Their scanner was newfangled, fast, and seriously whiz-bang
awesome—the rickety-ass scanner at my office is so elderly it reeks of
mimeograph ink and gives a little wheeze whenever you press “Start.” But my client’s scanner had speed and skill
that brought joyful tears to my eyes. The phrase “I didn’t know it could be
like this!” played on my lips.
Before I left, one of the secretaries asked to double-check
my flash drive to make sure all of the scanned pages showed up.
“Sure!” I said as I handed her my drive, blissfully
unaware of the horror to come.
So she plugged it into her computer and pulled up the USB port menu. And there, listed next to the scanned PDFs, was a Word document I'd titled PERV
POST .
Oh Dear God.
All caps, sandwiched between the two scans, nearly shouting at
you: PERV POST!
“Yep, there they are!” I extended my hand for the drive, wracking my
brain for something to distract her from the fact that she was, apparently,
working with some sort of social deviant.
She squinted and studied the screen. “Okay. You’re right. I
think it worked.”
“Okay, so I better get going now!” Beads of sweat began to
form on my upper lip. My bladder felt suddenly and inexplicably full.
She leaned in closer to the screen, pointing the cursor at
each document. The little arrow slowly tracked over PERV POST . “Yep. There
they are. Scan 1, and Scan 2.”
“Thanks so much. I really appreciate this.” I was nearly
dancing with relief when she finally unplugged my drive and handed it back to
me, a sly, knowing smile on her lips. I sprinted out the door, papers flying in
my wake.
So what was the PERV POST? Well, here it is, though now it’s
not nearly as funny as SCHOOL SECRETARY CONCLUDES GRANTWRITER IS ONE SICK PUPPY
FROM DOCUMENT ON HER JUMP DRIVE. Anyway,
enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blogger recently changed its interface; after my initial
reaction (irate confusion), I was tickled to see that my dashboard now easily
and visibly displayed the total hits each post receives. At the top of the heap
was my post entitled, “I can’t believe I’m posting these pictures,” with 800
page views.
I’m interpreting this to mean that there are hundreds—if not
thousands—of creepy pervs out there actually Googling “I can’t believe I’m
posting these pictures” (Teehee!) in the hopes of finding a naïve co-ed posting
some nudie pics she’ll deeply regret sharing later in life.
Gross.
Anyway, these randy creepers must have been very
disappointed to find photos of my pre-remodel bathroom instead of Girls Gone
Wild.
Or maybe I’M the perv, since that was my first
reaction…maybe all of these random site hoppers were simply hoping to find
something shocking or funny or interesting or new or …
Nah.
I’m pretty sure they were looking for vaginas.
(This was to be followed with a clever string of shocking “I
can’t believe I’m posting these!” photos: kittens in sinks, a bowl of pears on a table,
a lighthouse overlooking a serene bay.
Oh well. Now we can look forward to the number of hits I’ll get with PERV POST.)
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entirely online. Everything, including letters of support and signature pages,
had to be scanned and sent electronically.
During the wrap-up meeting with my client, we decided to scan everything
right onto my jump drive.
Their scanner was newfangled, fast, and seriously whiz-bang
awesome—the rickety-ass scanner at my office is so elderly it reeks of
mimeograph ink and gives a little wheeze whenever you press “Start.” But my client’s scanner had speed and skill
that brought joyful tears to my eyes. The phrase “I didn’t know it could be
like this!” played on my lips.
Before I left, one of the secretaries asked to double-check
my flash drive to make sure all of the scanned pages showed up.
“Sure!” I said as I handed her my drive, blissfully
unaware of the horror to come.
So she plugged it into her computer and pulled up the USB port menu. And there, listed next to the scanned PDFs, was a Word document I'd titled PERV
POST .
Oh Dear God.
All caps, sandwiched between the two scans, nearly shouting at
you: PERV POST!
“Yep, there they are!” I extended my hand for the drive, wracking my
brain for something to distract her from the fact that she was, apparently,
working with some sort of social deviant.
She squinted and studied the screen. “Okay. You’re right. I
think it worked.”
“Okay, so I better get going now!” Beads of sweat began to
form on my upper lip. My bladder felt suddenly and inexplicably full.
She leaned in closer to the screen, pointing the cursor at
each document. The little arrow slowly tracked over PERV POST . “Yep. There
they are. Scan 1, and Scan 2.”
“Thanks so much. I really appreciate this.” I was nearly
dancing with relief when she finally unplugged my drive and handed it back to
me, a sly, knowing smile on her lips. I sprinted out the door, papers flying in
my wake.
So what was the PERV POST? Well, here it is, though now it’s
not nearly as funny as SCHOOL SECRETARY CONCLUDES GRANTWRITER IS ONE SICK PUPPY
FROM DOCUMENT ON HER JUMP DRIVE. Anyway,
enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blogger recently changed its interface; after my initial
reaction (irate confusion), I was tickled to see that my dashboard now easily
and visibly displayed the total hits each post receives. At the top of the heap
was my post entitled, “I can’t believe I’m posting these pictures,” with 800
page views.
I’m interpreting this to mean that there are hundreds—if not
thousands—of creepy pervs out there actually Googling “I can’t believe I’m
posting these pictures” (Teehee!) in the hopes of finding a naïve co-ed posting
some nudie pics she’ll deeply regret sharing later in life.
Gross.
Anyway, these randy creepers must have been very
disappointed to find photos of my pre-remodel bathroom instead of Girls Gone
Wild.
Or maybe I’M the perv, since that was my first
reaction…maybe all of these random site hoppers were simply hoping to find
something shocking or funny or interesting or new or …
Nah.
I’m pretty sure they were looking for vaginas.
(This was to be followed with a clever string of shocking “I
can’t believe I’m posting these!” photos: kittens in sinks, a bowl of pears on a table,
a lighthouse overlooking a serene bay.
Oh well. Now we can look forward to the number of hits I’ll get with PERV POST.)
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