Stephen Kuhn's Blog, page 19

Reader Q/A: How Do I Deal with Triggers?

Question: “Sometimes I can’t hear the word ‘sex’ or ‘masturbation’ because it makes me think of past events and I become aroused. How can I stop and control myself from these reactions?”

Thanks for reaching out. I believe the issue you mention here is a common (and difficult) struggle for most guys who are trying to develop a healthy sexuality in today’s pornified world.

The term I would use for words (or anything) that awaken unwanted thoughts or behaviors in you is “triggers.” So your question then becomes “What should I do when I encounter triggers” and “How can I eliminate or reduce them from my life?”

What should I do when I encounter triggers?

Unless you live alone in the middle of the Arctic without wi-fi, there’s no way to avoid triggers in today’s world, which means you need to develop a plan of what to do when it happens.

The first thing I would recommend is to avoid giving them more power than they deserve.

You use the word “sometimes” in your question, and I think that is wise. Many guys would have said “always,” which may feel true, but that subtle shift in language shows they’ve already resigned themselves that their response to triggers is out of their control.

And that’s right where the enemy wants you.

By recognizing it’s only sometimes for you, you’re admitting that you do have control over your response. You may feel like you’re in a boat being pulled by the current in a direction you don’t want to go, but you also know you’ve still got oars to paddle with. Sometimes the “oar” is to get up and walk away—to flee from the trigger. Sometimes it’s to ask God to remove an impure thought from your mind and replace it with something true and holy (the girl in this photo is not a sexual object, she is a daughter of God, loved by Him to the same extent that He loves me…)

The trick here, is to not only remember that you have these oars, but to learn how to sense the pull of the current as early as possible so you can begin paddling away before it’s too late. Which brings us to the second thing I suggest:

Learn to recognize your true triggers early.

For me, my biggest triggers have always been rejection and shame, but I wasn’t aware of that until recently. I thought I was being triggered by the sight of a certain “type” of girl, or by being alone at my computer. But what I eventually realized was these were only triggers for me if something deeper had already been at work in my heart.

Once I began to recognize it was rejection and shame that were making me vulnerable to surface triggers, I could deal with them before I came face-to-face with temptation. Learning how to pinpoint these true triggers gave me a map of the river currents, allowing me to paddle around and avoid the rapids before I was forced to fight against them.

How can I reduce triggers from my life?

We’ve just looked at how to rob triggers of their power over you, but even with these tools it’s still wise to reduce the number of triggers you encounter. After all, there’s no sense in fighting any battle you have the power to avoid.

You say you’re hearing certain words that, for you, are sexually charged. That makes me wonder where you’re hearing them. If it’s in a support group with guys sharing their struggles, that’s one thing. But if you’re hearing words like “masturbation” frequently in the movies and TV shows you’re watching, you may want to rethink what you’re letting in.

If you’re only a few months in to your journey, you will likely need to give up some things that are “okay” for others who are further along, until you’re in a healthier place yourself.

When I first began my recovery, I had a phone with no internet, got rid of my TV altogether, and was extremely careful about what movies I watched. It was a sacrifice for sure, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle those things yet. In the years since, I’ve loosened up a bit, but I still use a filter on my computer and won’t go see a movie or TV that has nudity (which means I’m probably the only guy on Earth who hasn’t seen Game of Thrones).

I just know that for me, it’s not worth having to deal with those triggers no matter how good a show is supposed to be.

•••

So, to recap what ended up being a rather long response:

Recognize that you’re in control of triggers, they don’t control you.
Keep digging deeper to discover what your true triggers are and invite Jesus to heal those areas of your heart.
Set up boundaries to limit what you’re allowing in.

I hope that helps. Thanks again for reaching out.

Grace and Peace my friend,

Stephen

If you have a question about pornography addiction, my personal story, or anything else for that matter, you can send it to me by filling out the form on the Contact page (or just click my picture in the sidebar on the right). I will do my best to answer every question personally and will never post your question without your permission.

The post Reader Q/A: How Do I Deal with Triggers? appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

JD Greer: Is Your Church a Safe Place For People with Same Sex Attraction?

“If you want your church to be a safe place for those with same-sex attraction (SSA), then step one is to realize that we already have church members who experience it. Just like those who are dealing with any other struggle, we should thank God for bringing them to our churches, and ask God to help us serve them well.”

David Prince: Hope for a Hopeless Marriage

“Our lives continued on this path of destruction for many years to follow. Our marriage resembled a roller coaster ride of spending money, drinking, and generally trying anything we could to escape from the painful reality of our broken relationship. Divorce was always a viable option for us. All the while her heart continued to get colder toward me as I sought to gain control over her.”

Restoration Project: Pornified Masculinity and Hope for Restoration (an interview with Dr. Dan Allender)

“Pornography intersects two core domains: lust and power. The desire for sexual touch and play is God-written in our body and heart. We were made for union and joy and becoming one flesh. This is one of the strongest desires of the human heart — male or female. Sadly, pornography wets that desire and then moves the heart toward power and control. ”

Key Life: Getting Better by Not Trying Harder

“Once we are saved by Christ, anything about the Law or sin that could condemn us has been obliterated. Then we strap on our work boots and get to doing some good works, right?”

Christianity Today: How Victims of Sexual Abuse Can Get the Better of Satan

“We now know much more about the brain. We know, for example, that trauma shuts down the left functional lobe where language resides. We have always known that trauma victims have fragmented memories, but now we have a clearer understanding of why.”

Elder DJ Ward: Jesus Paid it All

The post Weekly Web (W)roundup appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

DONE: Your Value Has Been Confirmed by God

God bought you with a high price… (1 Corinthians 6:20)

I’m not typically one to get excited about reality TV, but I’ll admit I can watch Pawn Stars for hours. There’s just something fascinating about seeing the random stuff people bring in, and even more so seeing them haggle about what it’s worth.

For example, one guy brought in a box full of sunken treasure. Full-on rupees that had rusted together after being at the bottom of the sea for a hundred years or so. As it turns out, they were authentic and (supposedly) worth over $700k.

Or, on the other end of the spectrum, one kid brought in a pair of 20-year-old Air Jordan shoes in mint condition expecting to get a few hundred bucks out of them. After a bit of investigation they ended up being rerelease throwbacks from 2009. Final value: $75 – about $50 less than what they retailed for originally.

That’s what makes this show so much fun though, the fact that you never know who’s going to come through the door and what they’re going to have to sell. Even the people bringing things in often have no idea what it’s actually worth.

Now, imagine if someone brought you in as their item to sell at the pawn shop. How would that conversation go? For me, I expect it would go something like this:

Seller: I’ve got a standard issue Oregonian, native, probably made sometime around the early-80s. He’s in decent shape other than starting to show some wear spots on the top of his head.

Buyer: Interesting. What were you hoping to get from him?

Seller: I was thinking $200.

Buyer: I don’t know man. We see a lot of these. Plus, look here: he’s clearly got some issues. I see signs of some messed-up junk in his past so there’s probably some baggage from that. And see that…the guy has some lingering issues with selfishness and pride. You’d think by this age those would have worn off of him but apparently not this guy. The best I can do is $10.

After all, isn’t that what these guys do? They point out every flaw and look for any reason they can find to haggle the price lower. They’re not interested in confirming its value, they only want to reduce how much they need to pay for it.

Aren’t you glad God doesn’t look at us that way? This verse in 1 Corinthians reminds us of how God would respond if someone offered to sell you to Him: He’d buy you without question. Not only that, He’d pay the highest price for you, fully confirming your worth and value.

How can we know that’s what He would do?

Because that’s exactly what He already did.

So the next time you feel flawed, worthless, or wonder if you even matter to God, remember how valuable you are truly are: valuable enough that God bought you from the enemy at the cost of His Son’s life.

This post was an excerpt from my book, DONE. 52 Amazing Things that Became True of You the Moment You Trusted Christ.

The entire book is available as individual posts here, but if you prefer a good old-fashion paperback, you can purchase a copy from Amazon.

The post DONE: Your Value Has Been Confirmed by God appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Smart Quote: D.L. Moody

Belt of Truth Ministries.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Key Life: No Darkness Too Dark—Pride and Pornography

“Even though pornography had already broken my marriage and I hated it, I feared my husband would reject me altogether if I did not force myself to return to what now seemed like a duty.”

Relevant: Everything My Church Taught Me About Sex and Marriage Is Wrong

“Well-meaning as they were, speakers used these lines to preach the Gospel, but the main thing I took away was a shallow understanding of sex and marriage. I found myself believing in two lies: ‘marriage and sex are completely different’ and ‘sex is about me.’”

For the Church: Fighting Lust With Lust

“Awhile back I preached a sermon in which I emphasized the deception and danger of lust. I regretted not being able to further develop the topic, specifically how to fight lust. The answer to lust may surprise some, but it is the answer and frankly the only answer to lust that ultimately works.”

CovenantEyes: 4 Non-Biblical Reasons Porn is Ruining Your Life

“When we look at porn, a supercharged amount of dopamine floods the brain and an artificial high is created. The brain’s pleasure center spikes, and we experience euphoria and ecstasy. Repeated exposure to porn causes the brain to be repeatedly overloaded and become fatigued, and the dopamine receptors begin to shut down.”

XXXChurch: 4 Things You Must Teach Kids About Porn

“There are plenty of things in this world you’ll need to teach kids about. Porn should be one of them, so here are four crucial things about porn you need to impart to your children…”

Paula Hall: We Need To Talk About Sex Addiction

The post Weekly Web (W)roundup appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

DONE: You Have Been Cleansed and Made Holy

Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God (1 Corinthians 6:11).

The most important thing in life, hands down, is to figure out how to be made right with God. If your life on earth comes to an end before that is taken care of, you will be separated from Him for all eternity.

That, my friend, is bad news.

What are we to do then? Well, step one is to recognize and acknowledge this separation between you and your Creator exists. But after that, then what?

Many people reach this point and conclude they must try harder, do better, buck-up and follow the rules as best they can. Ideally, at the end of their life they will have done more good than bad (or at least more good than most other people), and therefore God will welcome them into Heaven.

This is, in essence, what all religion teaches: Be a good person and you might get to go to a better place when you die. The problem with this though, is we can’t do it. We can’t become good people, at least not on our own.

Sure, you may consider yourself to be a good person, but are you perfect? Are you holy? Because the gap that exists between man and God can only be overcome if man is somehow made holy. And man, left to his own devices, can never become holy.

God knew man couldn’t clean himself up. He knew man couldn’t overcome the separation that existed between them. Yet God loves every single one of us so much He was willing to do whatever it took to remove the separation from us—even if it cost Him the life of His son.

And it did.

When you called on the name of Christ and reached out to Him to save you, Jesus made you clean. It had nothing to do with your ability to clean yourself up, follow the rules, or become a good person.

Jesus made you Holy.

Jesus made you right with God.

It was all because of Jesus.

That, my friend, is good news.

This post was an excerpt from my book, DONE. 52 Amazing Things that Became True of You the Moment You Trusted Christ.

The entire book is available as individual posts here, but if you prefer a good old-fashion paperback, you can purchase a copy from Amazon.

The post DONE: You Have Been Cleansed and Made Holy appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Smart Quote: Jack Miller

Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

The post Smart Quote: Jack Miller appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Desiring God: Homophobia Has No Place in the Church

“Simply put, homophobia means a fear of homosexuality and, more specifically, homosexual people. And while it is not the same as loving, biblical opposition to certain behaviors or beliefs, this fear-based attitude often leads to unhelpful stereotypes, prejudice, and even cruel mistreatment.”

ChristianityToday: The Gospel, Breaking Sinful Patterns, and Addiction

“People both inside and outside of our churches need help breaking sinful patterns in their lives. Our culture offers various ways to cope with addictions and issues, but only the gospel offers real freedom and transformation.”

XXXChurch: Five Ways To Be A Man When Dealing With Your Porn Habit

“There’s nothing un-manly about being honest with where you are. Actually, it’s quite manly to be honest, to share with others, to seek help. It shows that you’re comfortable being vulnerable, shows that you’re not afraid to show your weakness. There’s no shame in asking for help. It makes you more of a man.”

Storyline: Is Guarding Your Heart Really Protecting You?

“These small decisions seem meaningless but built up over time, as we choose resistance and safety over openness and risk, it becomes harder and harder to be open, harder and harder to risk.”

Key Life: Grace (In 90 Seconds)

The post Weekly Web (W)roundup appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

DONE: You Have the Holy Spirit Living in You

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? (1 Corinthians 6:19)

Did you know there is a difference between the laws of the Old Testament and the commissions of the New Testament epistles?

The laws of the Old Testament are telling us, “You must do this or else there will be punishment.” The commissions of the New Testament are telling us, “Because of the power of Christ within you, this is how you get to act now.”

See the difference?

The New Testament isn’t a bunch of additional rules and commands telling us how to live a good life for Jesus. It’s telling us who we are now that we are in Christ. The New Testament is telling us what it will look like when we let Jesus live His life through us.

Any time you find what appears to be a command in the New Testament epistles, look for an “in Christ” statement nearby. I’ve found it’s always close by. For example, look at the following verse from Paul’s letter to the church in Corinth:

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).

How many times have you read that as a command telling you to resist sexual temptation by your own power…or else? But look at the two verses immediately following:

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19–20).

Paul knew the church in Corinth hadn’t fallen back into sexual immorality because they were too weak to resist temptation. It was because they had forgotten who they were in Christ. They forgot they had the power of the Holy Spirit living within them.

Instead of telling them to shape up and knock off their bad behavior, Paul simply reminds them to remember who they are now that they are in Christ.

Likewise, if you are struggling with sexual immorality, it’s not because you are still a slave to sin, it’s because you have forgotten who you are in Christ. If you can remember that the Holy Spirit now lives within you, you can rely on Him to give you the power to honor God with your body.

This post was an excerpt from my book, DONE. 52 Amazing Things that Became True of You the Moment You Trusted Christ.

The entire book is available as individual posts here, but if you prefer a good old-fashion paperback, you can purchase a copy from Amazon.

The post DONE: You Have the Holy Spirit Living in You appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Reader Q/A: Why is Pornography a Sin?

Question: You obviously think that pornography is a “sin,” but I guess I don’t understand why. Why does God think it’s such a big deal? It’s not like it’s hurting anyone for me to look at pictures of women.

I’ve received this question (in various forms) multiple times. In order to answer it effectively, though, we need to look at this as three independent questions, which will help us better understand why pornography is a sin.

Why do I Think Pornography is a Sin?

The question should never be “What do I think?” The questions should always be “What does God think?” And God has made it clear that pornography is a sin:

You must not commit adultery (Exodus 20:14).

But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28).

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).

So, to answer the question: I consider pornography to be sin because God says it is.

Why Does God Think Porn is Such a Big Deal?

Ultimately, this question stems from a misunderstanding of God’s reasoning for putting boundaries on our sexuality. God doesn’t prohibit the use of pornography in order to rob us from something fun. He is doing it to protect us from the pain, bondage, and ruin that will inevitably come from us inviting it into our lives.

God considers pornography to be a big deal because He knows our lives will be happier and more fulfilling if we avoid its snare. He prohibits it out of love, not out of a desire for control.

Why is it Bad if it’s Not Hurting Anyone?

This is the lie Satan wants us all to believe—that pornography is victimless. It’s nothing more than pictures on a screen accompanied by natural, biological urges.

In reality, though, pornography is extremely destructive. Just look at some of the ways it affected my own life (and the lives of those around me):

I reached a point where I preferred pornography over my beautiful, available, real-life spouse.
By pulling away from my wife sexually, I led her to believe there was something wrong with her, destroying her self-esteem.
It became impossible for me to have conversations with women without thinking of them sexually.
No matter how many times I tried to stop, I couldn’t. It was more addictive than any drug I had ever used.

If this still doesn’t convince you, take a look at the harsh realities of life within the porn industry. It’s a world full of sexual abuse, human trafficking, drug addiction, and unimaginable heartache. The women on your computer screen may appear to be enjoying themselves, but they are more than likely living in a nightmare.

If you honestly look at how pornography is effecting your life, the lives of those who are close to you, and the lives of the women you are watching, it becomes impossible to claim that pornography is harmless.

Putting it All Together

The answer to our question should now be more clear:

God labels pornography as sin because

He wants to protect you from the destruction  

it will cause if you allow it into your life.

The more you come to see God for who He really is—a loving father who only wants what is best for you—the easier it will be to trust that His boundaries are set where they are in order to protect you.

He wants you to live a life full of happiness, fulfillment, and joy. And the bottom line is, pornography will not help you achieve such a life. In fact, it will only rob you of it.

Thank you again for your question. I hope this answer helped bring you more clarity.

Grace and peace to you in Christ,

Stephen

If you have a question about pornography addiction, my personal story, or anything else for that matter, you can send it to me by filling out the form on the Contact page (or just click my picture in the sidebar on the right). I will do my best to answer every question personally and will never post your question without your permission.

The post Reader Q/A: Why is Pornography a Sin? appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.