Tez Brooks's Blog: TezBrooks.com, page 28
February 1, 2015
IT'S FINALLY HERE!
ORDER FROM AMAZON TODAY and "The Single Dad Detour" will be shipped immediately.
January 21, 2015
Caption Contest
Here's your chance to win a free copy of my book The Single Dad Detour.
Come up with the funniest caption for this photo. Contest ends Feb 15th
Type in your entry in the comments section below.
January 17, 2015
Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Heartbreak
So a few days ago, a DJ on the radio says his teen daughter just experienced her first heart-break over a guy at school who dumped her for another girl. He tells the other radio host, "So we're giving her some space."I was shocked that this dad's response was so casual and nonchalant.
I had a million questions I wanted to ask this preoccupied dad:
Why didn't you ever make an effort meet this guy?
Did you talk to her about getting your permission before letting a guy capture her heart?
Have you trained her how to protect her heart from becoming defrauded like this?
Do you plan to talk to his parents? Have you even made an effort to meet them?
Why don't you protect her from these romances until she's ready for marriage?
I wanted to call in to the program. There was so much wrong with this situation I didn't know where to start. First of all, our family home schools and his probably doesn't...so we can't even relate on the philosophy differences of that topic. But it does bring up some great points in favor of home-schooling. One of those being that we don't ever have to worry about my daughter spending 6 hours a day at school with a boy... with no parents around to monitor the relationship and what kind of romancing this boy is trying to pull off. Does he have business wooing someone's daughter if he casnt afford to marry and support her? Isn't he just "playing house"--having the fun of romancing a girl with no need to be a responsible man? He cant even follow through on any promises he's making to love this girl. But isn't this what we teach our boys to do? ....to practice for marriage for several years, using some girl(s) and leaving a trail of broken and defrauded hearts until they want to settle down? I know Im on a soapbox...sorry.
I'm so sad for this girl. Her parents are just following society norms. My ideals are so wierd to most I don't share them unless people ask. Besides I have no idea if my plans to protect my girl will work in the end. I've seen a lot of kids who are home-schooled rebel as young adults. So I don't want to come across like some parent with the perfect plan, then end up eating crow later down the road. I'm so prone to self-righteousness and pride. Hate that.
What about you other dads out there? How do you protect your daughter's heart? Which camp do you find yourself more comfortable in: societal norms, or counter-cultural ideas? Or somewhere in between?
January 5, 2015
How Important Are Traditions To Your Kids?
Find out how important traditions really are in helping your kids establish their identity during and after a divorce. to access the article just hit "free preview" when prompted, to see the complimentary issue. My article is on page 76-83
This is a photo of my four children just a few years ago. Sharaya and Caleb (the older kids) and my two little girls Jadyn and Anicah.
January 3, 2015
Interview #3 with Tez: Author of "The Single Dad Detour"
Part three of a 3-part interview with Tez Brooks,Author of The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce
The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce (Kregel/February 27, 2015/ISBN: 978-0825443602 /$14.99).
Q: Why are some men tempted to become absentee fathers? What are some of the consequences for their children if they do so? As I interviewed men in my research for The Single Dad Detour I ran into guys who said they were tempted to be absent. I think this comes from the insecurity men can develop as a single dad. There’s already an expectation from the world that they are going to fail, coupled with just the normal low esteem that comes with a failed marriage. It can make a guy feel like maybe their child would be better off without him in their life.
What happens is actually the opposite. Studies show more boys end up in prison who don't have a father around. And little girls are more apt to be promiscuous teens without the influence of a dad. It’s imperative we encourage dads to cast down those lies the Devil tells us and to be intricately involved in our kid’s lives.
Q: Some believe the court system can be unfair to men in divorce and custody decisions. What advice do you have for those men on fighting resentment and bitterness? While many states have become more progressive and friendly toward the father having custody, there are still many judicial systems that are old-fashioned. When that happens we can fight for our rights as fathers and still have a Christ-like manner about us. Especially when dealing with our ex-spouse. Jesus was angry when he knocked over the merchant’s tables in the temple…yet he was without sin. Too often we forget to model Christ in the midst of defending our rights. Our anger toward the courts can get misdirected to others.
We often need to lay down our rights…Christ did this too. That being said, when bitterness and resentment rise up—and it will—we must fight that with prayer and forgiveness. Easier said than done. It’s so important we throw ourselves at the foot of the cross every day.
Q: Men are “fixers” by nature, but it can be tempting for them to fix parenting problems without the Lord’s help. You had one such moment after Christmas shopping with your daughter once. Tell us about that.I had been shopping with the kids and had my fill of the holiday crowds and traffic. I just wanted to get home. My daughter was crying in the back seat because she didn't get to have her photo taken with Santa at the mall. My impatience was building but I didn't expect it to boil over like it did.
Her whining wouldn't stop so in a moment of exasperation I screamed out “Be quiet! “Santa’s not real, he’s dead!” The crying stopped as she blinked in disbelief. I knew I had messed up as soon as I said it. I could see by the look in her eyes, my words slapped her in the face. No Father of the Year Award this year I suppose. My daughter started her crying again but this time it was more of a high-pitched squeal. “Nooo, Santa’s not dead!”
I remained silent all the way home. Considering how I might cover over my mistake. But there was no hiding my outburst and all I could do to make it right was apologize. When we got home I hugged her and asked for forgiveness. She sunk into my chest as we rocked back and forth. I realized that night I must make it a habit to initiate an apology when I screw up. Even more, I learned I’m a pathetic father without God’s grace and help.
Q: How can a dad have a strong spiritual impact on their children even when not living when them all the time?Your kids are watching you no matter where they live. For kids who watch their fathers, there’s no mistaking what their dad is passionate about. It’s going to be obvious. Kids observe when you react to things in your flesh, rather than respond with Christ’s character. I messed up a lot. I showed my anger, my selfishness my pride…but I tried to live a life of repentance. I think if we make the Lord part of our every day conversations our kids will be able to discern that our Christianity is more than a hobby, it’s a relationship with the Creator.
Q: What is the number one thing you want single dads to get from reading The Single Dad Detour? I’d like them to walk away encouraged to keep going strong. That the Lord is on their side. I want to challenge them to step up yet still offer hope and the grace to be able to laugh at themselves when they aren’t perfect. There’s too much pressure as it is. If dads can celebrate what they’re doing right, while still leaning desperately on the Savior for hope, it will make the road they’re navigating much easier.
QUESTION FOR READERS: Tell us what you feel like you are doing right as a single dad.
The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce (Kregel/February 27, 2015/ISBN: 978-0825443602 /$14.99).
Q: Why are some men tempted to become absentee fathers? What are some of the consequences for their children if they do so? As I interviewed men in my research for The Single Dad Detour I ran into guys who said they were tempted to be absent. I think this comes from the insecurity men can develop as a single dad. There’s already an expectation from the world that they are going to fail, coupled with just the normal low esteem that comes with a failed marriage. It can make a guy feel like maybe their child would be better off without him in their life. What happens is actually the opposite. Studies show more boys end up in prison who don't have a father around. And little girls are more apt to be promiscuous teens without the influence of a dad. It’s imperative we encourage dads to cast down those lies the Devil tells us and to be intricately involved in our kid’s lives.
Q: Some believe the court system can be unfair to men in divorce and custody decisions. What advice do you have for those men on fighting resentment and bitterness? While many states have become more progressive and friendly toward the father having custody, there are still many judicial systems that are old-fashioned. When that happens we can fight for our rights as fathers and still have a Christ-like manner about us. Especially when dealing with our ex-spouse. Jesus was angry when he knocked over the merchant’s tables in the temple…yet he was without sin. Too often we forget to model Christ in the midst of defending our rights. Our anger toward the courts can get misdirected to others.
We often need to lay down our rights…Christ did this too. That being said, when bitterness and resentment rise up—and it will—we must fight that with prayer and forgiveness. Easier said than done. It’s so important we throw ourselves at the foot of the cross every day.
Q: Men are “fixers” by nature, but it can be tempting for them to fix parenting problems without the Lord’s help. You had one such moment after Christmas shopping with your daughter once. Tell us about that.I had been shopping with the kids and had my fill of the holiday crowds and traffic. I just wanted to get home. My daughter was crying in the back seat because she didn't get to have her photo taken with Santa at the mall. My impatience was building but I didn't expect it to boil over like it did.
Her whining wouldn't stop so in a moment of exasperation I screamed out “Be quiet! “Santa’s not real, he’s dead!” The crying stopped as she blinked in disbelief. I knew I had messed up as soon as I said it. I could see by the look in her eyes, my words slapped her in the face. No Father of the Year Award this year I suppose. My daughter started her crying again but this time it was more of a high-pitched squeal. “Nooo, Santa’s not dead!”
I remained silent all the way home. Considering how I might cover over my mistake. But there was no hiding my outburst and all I could do to make it right was apologize. When we got home I hugged her and asked for forgiveness. She sunk into my chest as we rocked back and forth. I realized that night I must make it a habit to initiate an apology when I screw up. Even more, I learned I’m a pathetic father without God’s grace and help.
Q: How can a dad have a strong spiritual impact on their children even when not living when them all the time?Your kids are watching you no matter where they live. For kids who watch their fathers, there’s no mistaking what their dad is passionate about. It’s going to be obvious. Kids observe when you react to things in your flesh, rather than respond with Christ’s character. I messed up a lot. I showed my anger, my selfishness my pride…but I tried to live a life of repentance. I think if we make the Lord part of our every day conversations our kids will be able to discern that our Christianity is more than a hobby, it’s a relationship with the Creator.
Q: What is the number one thing you want single dads to get from reading The Single Dad Detour? I’d like them to walk away encouraged to keep going strong. That the Lord is on their side. I want to challenge them to step up yet still offer hope and the grace to be able to laugh at themselves when they aren’t perfect. There’s too much pressure as it is. If dads can celebrate what they’re doing right, while still leaning desperately on the Savior for hope, it will make the road they’re navigating much easier.
QUESTION FOR READERS: Tell us what you feel like you are doing right as a single dad.
December 27, 2014
Interview #2 with Tez Brooks
Part two of a 3-part interview with Tez Brooks,Author of The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce
The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce (Kregel/February 27, 2015/ISBN: 978-0825443602 /$14.99).
Q: Divorce often leaves a man feeling broken and depressed, yet pressured to put on a brave front. How can a dad authentically lead his children during such a dark time?You know authenticity is important, especially when you’re trying to lead your kids through some tough transitions. There’s a certain amount of safety and refuge a child experiences from seeing their dad strongly brave the storms. Conversely, when they see a parent falling apart and becoming an emotional basket case, it does nothing to nurture a sense of security.
Still yet, they need to know we are human. I need to model for my kids that I’m nothing apart from God and that Im not capable of doing anything without Christ. So here’s the thing: the problem about a stoic “front” is it’s exactly that…a front that’s not real. It’s inauthentic. A mask, to hide behind. But true faith in God, which comes from your heart, the core of your beliefs…that’s what produces peace. That peace from God is what gives us men the strength to move forward without falling apart and crying like a baby. Trusting God is going to help us as dads. That's the thing kids need to see….the courage and stoicism that comes from a heart that believes God has got this.
Q: The Single Dad Detour is also filled with practical advice on topics from what food to keep in your fridge to how to decorate your new house or apartment. Why are these things important? Kids need a sense of home and I talk about this in The Single Dad Detour. There’s a reason why Hollywood portrays us as clueless single dads whose fridge contains nothing but sour milk. It’s because they know it’s often true to life. Now I know a lot of single dads out there have found real freedom in being able to display their Mad Max posters and their beer can lampshades. But our kids need photos of grandma and a living room floor that's not cluttered with tools. One of the easiest ways we can create a sense of home for our loved ones is to learn to cook and provide a safe environment for them to live in.
In the early months following my divorce I hadn’t learn this valuable lesson yet. I made the mistake of buying my son a dog bed. Yep you heard me right. You know the big round ones for German shepherds? I know I’m an idiot. But it seemed like a great idea at the time. And my son Caleb loved it! It took me about 30 seconds to hit me….My son’s sleeping in a dog’s bed. I got him a real bed the next day.
Q: It’s common for single dads to feel overwhelmed by their financial and relational responsibilities. How is The Single Dad Detour designed to bring meaningful change to a busy dad’s life? I wanted to be intentional in addressing this very issue. That’s why I developed an interactive element at the end of each chapter so they’d have some take-aways. Readers have an opportunity to reflect by answering some hard questions, reading a scripture passage, then planning some next steps. They can even quote a suggested prayer before moving on to the next chapter. These things are key to going beyond just reading a book, to discovering lasting change.
Q: You have now been remarried for 13 years and have two young children. How did navigating the difficult years of single parenting prepare you for the challenge of a blended family? I found I grew in several ways. First of all I was stripped bare of all my pride, arrogance, selfishness and more. Then the Lord spent those next 7 years re-building me into more of what he wanted me to be. My wife Christine has always said she would not have been attracted to the kind of man I was before. I can’t say that I blame her, God’s timing is perfect.
As far as being a better father. I consistently see how my single years changed me spiritually, emotionally and relationally so I could be a better dad both for my older kids and the two daughters Christine and I had together. It’s difficult to see that in the midst of your valley. Hindsight clears that up a lot.
QUESTION FOR READERS: When emotions arise in front of the kids about the divorce (sadness or anger) how do you deal with it?
The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce (Kregel/February 27, 2015/ISBN: 978-0825443602 /$14.99).
Q: Divorce often leaves a man feeling broken and depressed, yet pressured to put on a brave front. How can a dad authentically lead his children during such a dark time?You know authenticity is important, especially when you’re trying to lead your kids through some tough transitions. There’s a certain amount of safety and refuge a child experiences from seeing their dad strongly brave the storms. Conversely, when they see a parent falling apart and becoming an emotional basket case, it does nothing to nurture a sense of security.
Still yet, they need to know we are human. I need to model for my kids that I’m nothing apart from God and that Im not capable of doing anything without Christ. So here’s the thing: the problem about a stoic “front” is it’s exactly that…a front that’s not real. It’s inauthentic. A mask, to hide behind. But true faith in God, which comes from your heart, the core of your beliefs…that’s what produces peace. That peace from God is what gives us men the strength to move forward without falling apart and crying like a baby. Trusting God is going to help us as dads. That's the thing kids need to see….the courage and stoicism that comes from a heart that believes God has got this.
Q: The Single Dad Detour is also filled with practical advice on topics from what food to keep in your fridge to how to decorate your new house or apartment. Why are these things important? Kids need a sense of home and I talk about this in The Single Dad Detour. There’s a reason why Hollywood portrays us as clueless single dads whose fridge contains nothing but sour milk. It’s because they know it’s often true to life. Now I know a lot of single dads out there have found real freedom in being able to display their Mad Max posters and their beer can lampshades. But our kids need photos of grandma and a living room floor that's not cluttered with tools. One of the easiest ways we can create a sense of home for our loved ones is to learn to cook and provide a safe environment for them to live in.
In the early months following my divorce I hadn’t learn this valuable lesson yet. I made the mistake of buying my son a dog bed. Yep you heard me right. You know the big round ones for German shepherds? I know I’m an idiot. But it seemed like a great idea at the time. And my son Caleb loved it! It took me about 30 seconds to hit me….My son’s sleeping in a dog’s bed. I got him a real bed the next day.
Q: It’s common for single dads to feel overwhelmed by their financial and relational responsibilities. How is The Single Dad Detour designed to bring meaningful change to a busy dad’s life? I wanted to be intentional in addressing this very issue. That’s why I developed an interactive element at the end of each chapter so they’d have some take-aways. Readers have an opportunity to reflect by answering some hard questions, reading a scripture passage, then planning some next steps. They can even quote a suggested prayer before moving on to the next chapter. These things are key to going beyond just reading a book, to discovering lasting change.
Q: You have now been remarried for 13 years and have two young children. How did navigating the difficult years of single parenting prepare you for the challenge of a blended family? I found I grew in several ways. First of all I was stripped bare of all my pride, arrogance, selfishness and more. Then the Lord spent those next 7 years re-building me into more of what he wanted me to be. My wife Christine has always said she would not have been attracted to the kind of man I was before. I can’t say that I blame her, God’s timing is perfect.
As far as being a better father. I consistently see how my single years changed me spiritually, emotionally and relationally so I could be a better dad both for my older kids and the two daughters Christine and I had together. It’s difficult to see that in the midst of your valley. Hindsight clears that up a lot.
QUESTION FOR READERS: When emotions arise in front of the kids about the divorce (sadness or anger) how do you deal with it?
December 15, 2014
Interview #1 with Tez Brooks
First of a 3-part interview with Tez Brooks,Author of The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce
The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce
(Kregel/February 27, 2015/ISBN: 978-0825443602 /$14.99).
Q: The Single Dad Detour shares insights and encouragement from your time as a single dad. You’ve said it was difficult to write it because of the memories that surfaced. What led you to write it anyway?I really struggled for several years. I didn't want to go there, but the Lord started working in my heart and I remembered how there just wasn't anything out there for me when I was going through my own divorce. Especially with a Christian worldview. What was available was too preachy for me. So I wrote something that would encourage guys with a little humor and offer some practical advice.
Q: Why did you use the metaphor of cars and navigating the road in your book? I wanted it to appeal to your average Joe. And that theme actually just seemed to come naturally as I began writing. I kept comparing a divorce to a car accident. I compared the similarities between finding your way through that wreck and navigating a road trip. Those metaphors just kept coming until I realized a theme was developing. I liked it because men and cars seem to go together.
Q: Would you be willing to share a little bit about your road to becoming a single dad? Well we entered our marriage with childhood abuse that had not been dealt with, lots of selfishness, unfaithfulness, and even some mental health issues that had not been diagnosed. And we were clueless and trying to navigate through that with little to no help.
Divorce was just not something my side of the family did. But you can’t make someone love you. And you cant make someone stay. So although I didn't want a failed marriage, I saw it coming. I was married almost 10 years when I found myself single again. It was a lonely depressing time for me but I ran to the Lord in order to survive.
The kids lived with me full-time about 3 out of the 7 years I was single. They experienced a lot of loss too. As you know, no one wins. It’s a lose/lose situation. Yet here we are on the other side by the grace of God.
Q: Many men build their lives on the idea that a wife, kids and a house equals success. When that crumbles down, where can they find their identity? That’s a great question because our identity needs to be grounded in Christ to begin with. If that’s not there when tragedy strikes, we’re in trouble. That’s where I found myself. I was a Christian but I didn't really understand my identity as a child of God. I thought the American dream was where my self worth was. When that disappeared I was suddenly a man in my 30s with no real value to anyone. At least that’s what I believed.
I had embraced the world’s view of who and what I was. In essence I allowed the world to place a price tag on my forehead and suddenly that tag was marked down 95% and I was thrown in the bargain bin. It can take a long time for the message of Christ to get from our heads to our hearts. That's what needed to happen with me. Thankfully the Holy Spirit began a work to reveal the value God placed on me. It was vital to my healing.
RESPONSE QUESTION FOR READERS: What helped you to heal after your own divorce or separation?
The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce
(Kregel/February 27, 2015/ISBN: 978-0825443602 /$14.99). Q: The Single Dad Detour shares insights and encouragement from your time as a single dad. You’ve said it was difficult to write it because of the memories that surfaced. What led you to write it anyway?I really struggled for several years. I didn't want to go there, but the Lord started working in my heart and I remembered how there just wasn't anything out there for me when I was going through my own divorce. Especially with a Christian worldview. What was available was too preachy for me. So I wrote something that would encourage guys with a little humor and offer some practical advice.
Q: Why did you use the metaphor of cars and navigating the road in your book? I wanted it to appeal to your average Joe. And that theme actually just seemed to come naturally as I began writing. I kept comparing a divorce to a car accident. I compared the similarities between finding your way through that wreck and navigating a road trip. Those metaphors just kept coming until I realized a theme was developing. I liked it because men and cars seem to go together.
Q: Would you be willing to share a little bit about your road to becoming a single dad? Well we entered our marriage with childhood abuse that had not been dealt with, lots of selfishness, unfaithfulness, and even some mental health issues that had not been diagnosed. And we were clueless and trying to navigate through that with little to no help.
Divorce was just not something my side of the family did. But you can’t make someone love you. And you cant make someone stay. So although I didn't want a failed marriage, I saw it coming. I was married almost 10 years when I found myself single again. It was a lonely depressing time for me but I ran to the Lord in order to survive.
The kids lived with me full-time about 3 out of the 7 years I was single. They experienced a lot of loss too. As you know, no one wins. It’s a lose/lose situation. Yet here we are on the other side by the grace of God.
Q: Many men build their lives on the idea that a wife, kids and a house equals success. When that crumbles down, where can they find their identity? That’s a great question because our identity needs to be grounded in Christ to begin with. If that’s not there when tragedy strikes, we’re in trouble. That’s where I found myself. I was a Christian but I didn't really understand my identity as a child of God. I thought the American dream was where my self worth was. When that disappeared I was suddenly a man in my 30s with no real value to anyone. At least that’s what I believed.
I had embraced the world’s view of who and what I was. In essence I allowed the world to place a price tag on my forehead and suddenly that tag was marked down 95% and I was thrown in the bargain bin. It can take a long time for the message of Christ to get from our heads to our hearts. That's what needed to happen with me. Thankfully the Holy Spirit began a work to reveal the value God placed on me. It was vital to my healing.
RESPONSE QUESTION FOR READERS: What helped you to heal after your own divorce or separation?
October 24, 2014
Single Dad "Must See" Movie Rental of the Season
Has anyone seenHOTEL TRANSYLVANIA? Post a review here
