Nick Bolock's Blog: Nick's Insight to Madness
April 27, 2021
Acceptance and the End
This is a blog post I've been meaning to write for a while. Something I've meant to do but didn't, but the time to come out and say it isn't any better or worse than it was yesterday or the day before. I should have posted this probably a year ago, but hey.
Without any other obstruction or delay:
I've decided to quit being an author and/or professional writer.
That's it, that's all. You can stop reading now and go about your day. Or read on just for some little insight or something.
Truth be told, I haven't been writing at all really. What I have written, I don't really like. There were a number of factors that played into this decision. Number one among them was the confidence-destroying beta reader I dealt with who I basically paid to shit all over something I was proud of - probably the work I was most proud of, really. Number two is my own lack of enthusiasm over just "writing" anymore. Me writing, much like me playing the piano, is something people tend to target for the not-so-nice kind of criticism. I've dealt with, honestly, more than enough bullshit in my grad school classes over writing to really want to be bothered anymore. Number three, and my last point, is I really don't care for the process anymore. I don't like having to write and edit and find cover art and coordinate deadlines and rely on people to do stuff and etc, etc, etc.
My writing ability just isn't what it used to be anymore either. Some how it fell off, don't know why, don't really need to find out why either.
I'll still be writing, but whatever I write will be mine and mine alone. No one besides me will see my work again.
Everything I have written that is available for sale will remain up on Amazon until I have the time to remove it. Eventually I'll delete this profile as well.
Until then...
Cheers, mates.
Without any other obstruction or delay:
I've decided to quit being an author and/or professional writer.
That's it, that's all. You can stop reading now and go about your day. Or read on just for some little insight or something.
Truth be told, I haven't been writing at all really. What I have written, I don't really like. There were a number of factors that played into this decision. Number one among them was the confidence-destroying beta reader I dealt with who I basically paid to shit all over something I was proud of - probably the work I was most proud of, really. Number two is my own lack of enthusiasm over just "writing" anymore. Me writing, much like me playing the piano, is something people tend to target for the not-so-nice kind of criticism. I've dealt with, honestly, more than enough bullshit in my grad school classes over writing to really want to be bothered anymore. Number three, and my last point, is I really don't care for the process anymore. I don't like having to write and edit and find cover art and coordinate deadlines and rely on people to do stuff and etc, etc, etc.
My writing ability just isn't what it used to be anymore either. Some how it fell off, don't know why, don't really need to find out why either.
I'll still be writing, but whatever I write will be mine and mine alone. No one besides me will see my work again.
Everything I have written that is available for sale will remain up on Amazon until I have the time to remove it. Eventually I'll delete this profile as well.
Until then...
Cheers, mates.
December 30, 2020
Jettison 2020 Please and Thank You
If you're reading this you've almost made it to 2021!
Congratulations!
Now the real fun begins. *Cue boss fight music*
In all seriousness 2020 has been... Something. I wanted to do a year in review of sorts just to square up but I'm not even sure where to start. Advanced warning, this blog post might be all over the place.
Everyone has been talking about how long this year has been. To me, everything seemed normal until I read a list of celebrity deaths this year. Many, many famous losses brought me to think how long this year was in... An abstract kind of way. I guess. There were some I was aware of - David Prowse, Carl Reiner, Charlie Daniels, Chadwick Boseman - and some I wasn't aware of until I read the list. Young, old, any loss is devastating. Personally, I lost a cousin I was close with to cancer and a great aunt. My wife and I also lost one of our dogs, Kairi, somewhat suddenly.
It wasn't until All Souls' Day that the losses that I really felt the pain. When my dad, who is a priest, was doing the Reading of Remembrance and got to the end, he crossed the names of the most recently deceased. My old boss, my cousin, my great aunt. I broke down a hair. Kairi's death is still hard to cope with however.
There were a lot of ups and downs. Pandemic and stuff. I was one of the "lucky ones" who was laid off in the shut down. I am grateful that I was able to collect and stay home. I went fishing a lot and played Animal Crossing until my brains turned to slop. Didn't get much writing done to be honest.
Yeah...
Oh, yeah. Almost flunked out of graduate school. That was super fun. Swell. Yeah, going into the Fall 2020 semester I needed to walk out with a 3.5 average to NOT get tossed out.
What did I do? Buckle down and did my best. I ended this semester with a 4.0 GPA. That is the FIRST time in my school career that I've managed to do that. Not in high school or either of my times working towards my bachelor's degree had I even achieved a 4.0.
That's... Monumental for a slacker like me.
So... Yeah. I can't think of much else. I wanted to avoid going on and on about what the pandemic did or changed for me because... Well... Not much? I mean, concerts and movies and a few weddings, but I am grateful to the universe that I and my family have made it thus far unscathed.
I promise to be more communicative with author things. Keep an eye for new announcements as I learn of them. Like, my fans will learn of things as soon as I do... If not a few minutes after.
Peace out!
Congratulations!
Now the real fun begins. *Cue boss fight music*
In all seriousness 2020 has been... Something. I wanted to do a year in review of sorts just to square up but I'm not even sure where to start. Advanced warning, this blog post might be all over the place.
Everyone has been talking about how long this year has been. To me, everything seemed normal until I read a list of celebrity deaths this year. Many, many famous losses brought me to think how long this year was in... An abstract kind of way. I guess. There were some I was aware of - David Prowse, Carl Reiner, Charlie Daniels, Chadwick Boseman - and some I wasn't aware of until I read the list. Young, old, any loss is devastating. Personally, I lost a cousin I was close with to cancer and a great aunt. My wife and I also lost one of our dogs, Kairi, somewhat suddenly.
It wasn't until All Souls' Day that the losses that I really felt the pain. When my dad, who is a priest, was doing the Reading of Remembrance and got to the end, he crossed the names of the most recently deceased. My old boss, my cousin, my great aunt. I broke down a hair. Kairi's death is still hard to cope with however.
There were a lot of ups and downs. Pandemic and stuff. I was one of the "lucky ones" who was laid off in the shut down. I am grateful that I was able to collect and stay home. I went fishing a lot and played Animal Crossing until my brains turned to slop. Didn't get much writing done to be honest.
Yeah...
Oh, yeah. Almost flunked out of graduate school. That was super fun. Swell. Yeah, going into the Fall 2020 semester I needed to walk out with a 3.5 average to NOT get tossed out.
What did I do? Buckle down and did my best. I ended this semester with a 4.0 GPA. That is the FIRST time in my school career that I've managed to do that. Not in high school or either of my times working towards my bachelor's degree had I even achieved a 4.0.
That's... Monumental for a slacker like me.
So... Yeah. I can't think of much else. I wanted to avoid going on and on about what the pandemic did or changed for me because... Well... Not much? I mean, concerts and movies and a few weddings, but I am grateful to the universe that I and my family have made it thus far unscathed.
I promise to be more communicative with author things. Keep an eye for new announcements as I learn of them. Like, my fans will learn of things as soon as I do... If not a few minutes after.
Peace out!
June 30, 2020
My Opinions on Ethical Consumption
Ethical Consumption: (A) form of political activism based on the premise that purchasers in markets consume not only goods but also, implicitly, the process used to produce them. From the point of view of ethical consumerism, consumption is a political act that sanctions the values embodied in a product’s manufacture. Britannica
But is it possible?
In short, sure. In truth, maybe not.
The reason I bring this up is, well, the moral quandary as of late raised by supporting certain people.
Author J.K. Rowling of Harry Potter fame made transphobic comments on social media a few weeks back. The comments were condemned and calls were made for the Harry Potter books and movies to be rejected or "canceled".
Now, when something like this happens, I tend to seek out as many viewpoints as possible after I form my initial opinion because I want to be well-informed and responsible. I've read comments on Twitter, articles in various online magazines, and opinion pieces from all over. I think the opinion that stayed with me best advocated for the Harry Potter fandom to reclaim the works from Rowling and separate "the art from the artist", as it were. Which makes sense to me. Why?
Simple. Another comment I saw hit the nail on the head. If we destroy all our art for the artist's flaws, what will we be left with? Nothing much. Humans are flawed. Am I in anyway condoning what Rowling said? Hell no. But I do believe that separating the art from the artist is vital.
I personally believe this because of how much the Harry Potter series as a whole - books and movies and theme parks all - mean to people of my generation or those around my age. These were the "coming of age" novels that grew with us. Much like Andy in the Toy Story movies great with the audience; Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and the lot grew with us. To me, the books were interesting and exciting as a child. My mom would read them to me as bedtime stories. But I was never really pulled into the fandom like other people. To be honest, I've never finished reading the series; nor have I seen all the movies in their entirety. Though I do understand what these novels mean to other people and the devastating effects the vitriol of the artist can have on fans of the art.
The same goes for Ender's Game written by Orson Scott Card. When I was doing viewpoint research, the one article I read mentioned Card as another example of separating art from artist. Ender's Game (which I have never read, but was a big novel in my younger years) focuses on the idea of loving your enemy, love not war, and acceptance. Except that there are numerous instances of Card's racism, homophobia, and other hateful pieces spewed across the internet. Again, a novel that meant a lot to many is the product of a madman.
These are two just two examples, and I'm sure the list goes on of those who've created astounding works yet weren't the best people themselves. (Tolkien falls in there somewhere, as I've recently learned.)
Then there are less extreme examples. A few years back, Disney fired James Gunn from the Guardians of the Galaxy movies because of old tweets he made joking about pedophilia. Eventually Disney relented on their decision and welcomed Gunn back to the series. The reason I say that this is a less extreme example is because in no way was Gunn advocating pedophilia, nor was he condoning it in anyway. Context is important here. I won't go into the validity or invalidity of saying "it was a joke" instead of apologizing, because that is a, pardon my language, shit show that I don't want to wade into. Too, we need to consider the weight of statements. How much harm is or isn't intended by said statements? Rowling's transphobia has much more potential for harm than Gunn's pedophilia jokes.
So this brings me back to my original question. Is ethical consumerism possible?
On one hand, we, as consumers, can easily separate the art from the artist. Sure, these artists might gain profit when we introduce Harry Potter or Ender's Game to a new generation, but it's so easy to love the art, not the artist. By spreading the words they wrote, but not their personal message, we can see the art outlive the artist. There are a lot of examples of art outliving the artist in both bad and good cases.
On the other hand, consumption or demand of these artworks supports their artists. Thus this allows these artists space to spread their ideas. It gives them voice. Supporting an artist in any sense grows their platform.
In short, there are pros and cons to each side. I think the best thing to do is separate the art from the artist where possible but the greatest potential is to seek out works from new voices. Harry Potter, Ender's Game, and other works aren't the "be-all-end-all" for youth or young adult literature. There are many other works out there that are less as well known. Percy Jackson (which I never read) comes to mind. I've heard that Rick Riordan is a pretty cool dude. Esperanza Rising is another novel that was part of my childhood (and never read. God, where was my head as a kid?) I'm sure there are thousands more that I'm not aware of. Your mileage may vary.
Really. Let's elevate new voices to the spotlight. Let's elevate authors who are gay, lesbian, non-binary, and trans. Let's elevate the voices of black authors, Asian authors, Latino authors, Hispanic authors, and more. We have a rich corpus of works as human beings from minority authors that get ignored because, well, someone doesn't agree with their lifestyle. (I'm speaking about race, sex, gender, and the like. I am not supporting those who use a platform to spread any kind of hate speech. Those that use their platform to spread hate speech deserve a special place in hell.) Supporting new voices isn't some wildly daunting task either. Do some research, buy a book or two or five, or even go like follow a Twitter page.
Cheers.
But is it possible?
In short, sure. In truth, maybe not.
The reason I bring this up is, well, the moral quandary as of late raised by supporting certain people.
Author J.K. Rowling of Harry Potter fame made transphobic comments on social media a few weeks back. The comments were condemned and calls were made for the Harry Potter books and movies to be rejected or "canceled".
Now, when something like this happens, I tend to seek out as many viewpoints as possible after I form my initial opinion because I want to be well-informed and responsible. I've read comments on Twitter, articles in various online magazines, and opinion pieces from all over. I think the opinion that stayed with me best advocated for the Harry Potter fandom to reclaim the works from Rowling and separate "the art from the artist", as it were. Which makes sense to me. Why?
Simple. Another comment I saw hit the nail on the head. If we destroy all our art for the artist's flaws, what will we be left with? Nothing much. Humans are flawed. Am I in anyway condoning what Rowling said? Hell no. But I do believe that separating the art from the artist is vital.
I personally believe this because of how much the Harry Potter series as a whole - books and movies and theme parks all - mean to people of my generation or those around my age. These were the "coming of age" novels that grew with us. Much like Andy in the Toy Story movies great with the audience; Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and the lot grew with us. To me, the books were interesting and exciting as a child. My mom would read them to me as bedtime stories. But I was never really pulled into the fandom like other people. To be honest, I've never finished reading the series; nor have I seen all the movies in their entirety. Though I do understand what these novels mean to other people and the devastating effects the vitriol of the artist can have on fans of the art.
The same goes for Ender's Game written by Orson Scott Card. When I was doing viewpoint research, the one article I read mentioned Card as another example of separating art from artist. Ender's Game (which I have never read, but was a big novel in my younger years) focuses on the idea of loving your enemy, love not war, and acceptance. Except that there are numerous instances of Card's racism, homophobia, and other hateful pieces spewed across the internet. Again, a novel that meant a lot to many is the product of a madman.
These are two just two examples, and I'm sure the list goes on of those who've created astounding works yet weren't the best people themselves. (Tolkien falls in there somewhere, as I've recently learned.)
Then there are less extreme examples. A few years back, Disney fired James Gunn from the Guardians of the Galaxy movies because of old tweets he made joking about pedophilia. Eventually Disney relented on their decision and welcomed Gunn back to the series. The reason I say that this is a less extreme example is because in no way was Gunn advocating pedophilia, nor was he condoning it in anyway. Context is important here. I won't go into the validity or invalidity of saying "it was a joke" instead of apologizing, because that is a, pardon my language, shit show that I don't want to wade into. Too, we need to consider the weight of statements. How much harm is or isn't intended by said statements? Rowling's transphobia has much more potential for harm than Gunn's pedophilia jokes.
So this brings me back to my original question. Is ethical consumerism possible?
On one hand, we, as consumers, can easily separate the art from the artist. Sure, these artists might gain profit when we introduce Harry Potter or Ender's Game to a new generation, but it's so easy to love the art, not the artist. By spreading the words they wrote, but not their personal message, we can see the art outlive the artist. There are a lot of examples of art outliving the artist in both bad and good cases.
On the other hand, consumption or demand of these artworks supports their artists. Thus this allows these artists space to spread their ideas. It gives them voice. Supporting an artist in any sense grows their platform.
In short, there are pros and cons to each side. I think the best thing to do is separate the art from the artist where possible but the greatest potential is to seek out works from new voices. Harry Potter, Ender's Game, and other works aren't the "be-all-end-all" for youth or young adult literature. There are many other works out there that are less as well known. Percy Jackson (which I never read) comes to mind. I've heard that Rick Riordan is a pretty cool dude. Esperanza Rising is another novel that was part of my childhood (and never read. God, where was my head as a kid?) I'm sure there are thousands more that I'm not aware of. Your mileage may vary.
Really. Let's elevate new voices to the spotlight. Let's elevate authors who are gay, lesbian, non-binary, and trans. Let's elevate the voices of black authors, Asian authors, Latino authors, Hispanic authors, and more. We have a rich corpus of works as human beings from minority authors that get ignored because, well, someone doesn't agree with their lifestyle. (I'm speaking about race, sex, gender, and the like. I am not supporting those who use a platform to spread any kind of hate speech. Those that use their platform to spread hate speech deserve a special place in hell.) Supporting new voices isn't some wildly daunting task either. Do some research, buy a book or two or five, or even go like follow a Twitter page.
Cheers.
May 13, 2020
Vulnerability
One of the things I've struggled with since bringing myself to self-publish is allowing myself to be vulnerable. I admit it. I've allowed myself to be jaded when it comes to my own work, thinking I can succeed by keeping everything a secret. It was hard for me to speak up to anyone and say "Yo, I write books!". Honestly, at times, I felt stupid for saying it.
And I felt vindicated for not letting myself be vulnerable after Run for Me got shit on by "a professional". (That's something I'm not going to let go for a while. I'm mad at myself for letting someone else dictate how I role.)
But then when some older dude walks into your workplace with his wife and walks up to the counter and says "Hey, you like books?" and throws a business card at you... What do you got to lose?
Side note. I shit you not. Dude walks in with his wife, shops around, and when they are at the counter paying he looks me in the eye and asks if I like books. Didn't have the courage to say "Yeah, so much that I write the fool things." but hey. Lessons learned.
I ended up buying one of his books. It was Will Wyckoff. Rabbit Trails is a good read. Not exactly my cup of tea, but heck. Get out of your comfort zone a bit.
That experience made me realize how much I'm missing out on by not being confident, and by extension, vulnerable. Who cares if people think I'm weird. EVERYONE is weird somehow. Not everyone likes the same things and if someone thinks less of me for it, hell with them.
So I've been off and on promoting my stuff on Reddit in the self-published sub-Reddit. Nothing major, but it's a start.
Another area where I've been hesitant is writing reviews. I've been worried about saying the wrong things and upsetting someone and having it reflect poorly on me. But then again, who cares? People hop on the internet, mad as all hell, every day anyway. Someone, somewhere, that I don't even know hates me already!
It's a start.
PS: I mentioned to my wife about getting business cards that say something along the lines of Nick Bolock - Author of the Occult with a Star of Solomon on it. Somehow she was onboard when I was really trying to spook her. Aw well. Back to the drawing board.
And I felt vindicated for not letting myself be vulnerable after Run for Me got shit on by "a professional". (That's something I'm not going to let go for a while. I'm mad at myself for letting someone else dictate how I role.)
But then when some older dude walks into your workplace with his wife and walks up to the counter and says "Hey, you like books?" and throws a business card at you... What do you got to lose?
Side note. I shit you not. Dude walks in with his wife, shops around, and when they are at the counter paying he looks me in the eye and asks if I like books. Didn't have the courage to say "Yeah, so much that I write the fool things." but hey. Lessons learned.
I ended up buying one of his books. It was Will Wyckoff. Rabbit Trails is a good read. Not exactly my cup of tea, but heck. Get out of your comfort zone a bit.
That experience made me realize how much I'm missing out on by not being confident, and by extension, vulnerable. Who cares if people think I'm weird. EVERYONE is weird somehow. Not everyone likes the same things and if someone thinks less of me for it, hell with them.
So I've been off and on promoting my stuff on Reddit in the self-published sub-Reddit. Nothing major, but it's a start.
Another area where I've been hesitant is writing reviews. I've been worried about saying the wrong things and upsetting someone and having it reflect poorly on me. But then again, who cares? People hop on the internet, mad as all hell, every day anyway. Someone, somewhere, that I don't even know hates me already!
It's a start.
PS: I mentioned to my wife about getting business cards that say something along the lines of Nick Bolock - Author of the Occult with a Star of Solomon on it. Somehow she was onboard when I was really trying to spook her. Aw well. Back to the drawing board.
April 23, 2020
I Can't Think of a Good Title for this Post, but it Explains My Recent Hiatus.
"I was in a really dark place. I even thought of packing it in, but I just could not bring myself to do it."
X Marks the Spot, by Sonata Arctica from their album Pariah's Child, 2014.
I want to start out by saying that yes, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation about my most recent absence. But this is something I feel I need to write. Something I need to be honest with not only myself, but everyone else too. Before I go any further, I also want to say that this isn't a cry for attention or anything like that.
Oh, and this blog might get a little long and heavy at times. Also there is a lot of complaining and airing of grievances.
Buckle in.
I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, and, at one point, even thought of letting go. Ending it. Why? Well...
My last blog post was in December of 2018. That came at the end of another hiatus. From there, I reworked Morning Star Academy, but I still wasn't feeling it totally. During this period I got really poor feedback on one of the works I was really proud of - Run for Me. I basically paid someone to shit on my novel. Someone claiming to be a professional read it and send feedback that essentially came down to everything in the novel was "absurd". I tried to let it roll off my back, but instead I let it eat away at me. But I managed to write a short novel inspired by another game series I enjoy. It was simple, unhindered, and it may never see the light of day.
But it was also during this time that somethings in my life went to shit.
My job as an assistant manager basically imploded. Because the manager was and is too stupid to hire and/or keep employees, I ended up working 6 days a week. Most shifts were 2PM to 12AM. Not good for the mind and body. Then I had Saturdays, where my shift was 5AM to 2PM. Combined with the fact that my manager and her useless crony took delight in tearing every other employee down and telling me that I don't know how to do my job because they were too stupid and lazy to do theirs really took its toll on my mental health.
I was in a constant state of short-circuiting. Things I once enjoyed were doing nothing for me and soon became a means of survival rather than a release or enjoyment.
Why didn't I leave? I was trying. I was applying to every job that had little chance of killing me but finding mixed results. I wasn't totally ready to leave. But two nice little peaks really sold me on getting the hell out.
Peak number one: The manager was notorious for being, well, a piece of crap. Giant one. Her crony didn't help either and no one really did anything about it until little justice-seeking me. I went and filed a complaint with the owner and had a nice little sit-down with him that ended with me being accused of trying to steal the manager's job. No, you jackass, I didn't want her job. I wanted you to get off your ass and do something.
But nah. I was asking too much.
Peak number two: Ironically, I had a job interview one Friday. Foolish manager called me to cover for someone calling off for a few hours (not to close because, well, I opened the damn store the next day). I told her I would call her back "in a few hours" (after my interview that she didn't know about and didn't need to know about).
Now, side break time. That job interview was a wild ride. I won't say where, but I will say this. Even though I felt dead inside, I was hired on the spot. Hell, the manager at this new place (my now CURRENT manager) didn't even ask if I wanted the job. She told me I had it. Back to the main story.
When I was driving to the gas station for my cover-shift... I had a thought. A powerful thought. Let go of the steering wheel. If I did, there was a good chance I would hit something and, well, you know, die. I'd be free. Free...
But like the quote that opens this blog, I couldn't do it. Something inside me and the things outside of me made me press on. I knew there were people who still cared about me, even if some made it their life's work to destroy me and make them just as joyless and hopeless as themselves. My wife even ended up coming to my workplace that evening and begged me to leave. I wasn't sold.
Peak 2.5 sold me. I intended to call the manager at the new job and let her know I wasn't interested. But the next day, a Saturday when I usually worked 5AM-2PM, something fun happened. Whoever was due in at 2PM didn't show up. Someone was scheduled, but they weren't available. So I called the manager and asked her what the deal was. She tells me that she forgot to schedule someone to work 2PM to 12AM that night and, here's the kicker, asked me to stay for the shift.
My response?
"Gas Station Manager's Name, I'll kill you."
I was fed up. I set my jaw and girded my loins and that following Tuesday, I told her I was leaving. I didn't care anymore. Took a few people with me too. Haven't looked back.
But things haven't been all sunshine and daisies. The above occurred between June and November of 2019, I was there three years.
It was due to that and some other wild circumstances that I sought therapy in September. This was my second go-around with therapy and things got better for me slowly. I was put on an anti-depressant as well. I was making progress, but something wasn't quite right. Once the anti-depressant set in, I found myself unable to write. Sure, I could write technically for school, but not creatively. I brought it up to both my therapist and the nurse-practitioner handling my meds and they agreed on something. It might be the meds, or it might be me.
Even though I started my new job as a retail supervisor and LOVE it, I couldn't write.
I wracked my brain, I pushed my buttons, I tried to write.
But nothing.
For the second time, I thought of packing it in. This time I wanted to swear off of writing. Kill of my pages on Twitter and Facebook and pull everything from Amazon. I wasn't finding success, so what did it matter?
Well, it did matter. I remembered, as I frequently find myself remembering, that I wasn't doing this just for monetary success or fame. I was doing it doing it because I liked telling stories. I liked writing. I liked reading.
So I took another break. I backed off again. It hit me then that writing, like video games and other things, became a means of survival rather than an outlet. That was the roadblock I had to overcome, among other things.
A few weeks ago, I did the unthinkable. I went back to Morning Star Academy and started thinking about how I wanted the novel to change. To improve. I started outlining and analyzing again.
I'm doing better now. I love my job, my school work is overcome with ease, my manager isn't a loon or a butt head and actually respects me and what we do, and they are cutting back the meds.
I'm doing better now, even if I am laid off due to the pandemic and losing track of the days (which is hilarious to me).
I'm doing better now because I'm starting to listen to those around me.
To close out this blog entry, I want to give some thanks and shout-outs.
My wife, Jess. You mean the world and the universe to me. It's because of you that I took a job that scared the hell out of me and survived a dangerous situation. You and our fur-children saved my life.
My parents, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and my friends. You are there for me all the time. What more can I say?
Catherine DePasquale for your support and concern and your prayers. I'm not a terribly religious person, but every little bit helps when you need the help.
With that, I'm going to close out by voicing one more thing.
We are in some... Bad times. Even if you or your loved ones are healthy physically, this pandemic might be taking a toll on your mental health. Check in on your friends and family, neighbors, everyone. This isn't a time to let anything separate us, but to figuratively come together in mutual support.
If you or a loved one is facing difficulties with mental health, I implore you to contact a support center in your area.
The National Suicide Prevention Helpline is also always there to help, talk or text.
1-800-273-8255 is the number you reach out to.
Don't be afraid. Don't be embarrased. Don't be ashamed.
Take care of yourselves, ya'll.
Be kind to one another.
And I'll see you soon.
Cheers.
X Marks the Spot, by Sonata Arctica from their album Pariah's Child, 2014.
I want to start out by saying that yes, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation about my most recent absence. But this is something I feel I need to write. Something I need to be honest with not only myself, but everyone else too. Before I go any further, I also want to say that this isn't a cry for attention or anything like that.
Oh, and this blog might get a little long and heavy at times. Also there is a lot of complaining and airing of grievances.
Buckle in.
I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, and, at one point, even thought of letting go. Ending it. Why? Well...
My last blog post was in December of 2018. That came at the end of another hiatus. From there, I reworked Morning Star Academy, but I still wasn't feeling it totally. During this period I got really poor feedback on one of the works I was really proud of - Run for Me. I basically paid someone to shit on my novel. Someone claiming to be a professional read it and send feedback that essentially came down to everything in the novel was "absurd". I tried to let it roll off my back, but instead I let it eat away at me. But I managed to write a short novel inspired by another game series I enjoy. It was simple, unhindered, and it may never see the light of day.
But it was also during this time that somethings in my life went to shit.
My job as an assistant manager basically imploded. Because the manager was and is too stupid to hire and/or keep employees, I ended up working 6 days a week. Most shifts were 2PM to 12AM. Not good for the mind and body. Then I had Saturdays, where my shift was 5AM to 2PM. Combined with the fact that my manager and her useless crony took delight in tearing every other employee down and telling me that I don't know how to do my job because they were too stupid and lazy to do theirs really took its toll on my mental health.
I was in a constant state of short-circuiting. Things I once enjoyed were doing nothing for me and soon became a means of survival rather than a release or enjoyment.
Why didn't I leave? I was trying. I was applying to every job that had little chance of killing me but finding mixed results. I wasn't totally ready to leave. But two nice little peaks really sold me on getting the hell out.
Peak number one: The manager was notorious for being, well, a piece of crap. Giant one. Her crony didn't help either and no one really did anything about it until little justice-seeking me. I went and filed a complaint with the owner and had a nice little sit-down with him that ended with me being accused of trying to steal the manager's job. No, you jackass, I didn't want her job. I wanted you to get off your ass and do something.
But nah. I was asking too much.
Peak number two: Ironically, I had a job interview one Friday. Foolish manager called me to cover for someone calling off for a few hours (not to close because, well, I opened the damn store the next day). I told her I would call her back "in a few hours" (after my interview that she didn't know about and didn't need to know about).
Now, side break time. That job interview was a wild ride. I won't say where, but I will say this. Even though I felt dead inside, I was hired on the spot. Hell, the manager at this new place (my now CURRENT manager) didn't even ask if I wanted the job. She told me I had it. Back to the main story.
When I was driving to the gas station for my cover-shift... I had a thought. A powerful thought. Let go of the steering wheel. If I did, there was a good chance I would hit something and, well, you know, die. I'd be free. Free...
But like the quote that opens this blog, I couldn't do it. Something inside me and the things outside of me made me press on. I knew there were people who still cared about me, even if some made it their life's work to destroy me and make them just as joyless and hopeless as themselves. My wife even ended up coming to my workplace that evening and begged me to leave. I wasn't sold.
Peak 2.5 sold me. I intended to call the manager at the new job and let her know I wasn't interested. But the next day, a Saturday when I usually worked 5AM-2PM, something fun happened. Whoever was due in at 2PM didn't show up. Someone was scheduled, but they weren't available. So I called the manager and asked her what the deal was. She tells me that she forgot to schedule someone to work 2PM to 12AM that night and, here's the kicker, asked me to stay for the shift.
My response?
"Gas Station Manager's Name, I'll kill you."
I was fed up. I set my jaw and girded my loins and that following Tuesday, I told her I was leaving. I didn't care anymore. Took a few people with me too. Haven't looked back.
But things haven't been all sunshine and daisies. The above occurred between June and November of 2019, I was there three years.
It was due to that and some other wild circumstances that I sought therapy in September. This was my second go-around with therapy and things got better for me slowly. I was put on an anti-depressant as well. I was making progress, but something wasn't quite right. Once the anti-depressant set in, I found myself unable to write. Sure, I could write technically for school, but not creatively. I brought it up to both my therapist and the nurse-practitioner handling my meds and they agreed on something. It might be the meds, or it might be me.
Even though I started my new job as a retail supervisor and LOVE it, I couldn't write.
I wracked my brain, I pushed my buttons, I tried to write.
But nothing.
For the second time, I thought of packing it in. This time I wanted to swear off of writing. Kill of my pages on Twitter and Facebook and pull everything from Amazon. I wasn't finding success, so what did it matter?
Well, it did matter. I remembered, as I frequently find myself remembering, that I wasn't doing this just for monetary success or fame. I was doing it doing it because I liked telling stories. I liked writing. I liked reading.
So I took another break. I backed off again. It hit me then that writing, like video games and other things, became a means of survival rather than an outlet. That was the roadblock I had to overcome, among other things.
A few weeks ago, I did the unthinkable. I went back to Morning Star Academy and started thinking about how I wanted the novel to change. To improve. I started outlining and analyzing again.
I'm doing better now. I love my job, my school work is overcome with ease, my manager isn't a loon or a butt head and actually respects me and what we do, and they are cutting back the meds.
I'm doing better now, even if I am laid off due to the pandemic and losing track of the days (which is hilarious to me).
I'm doing better now because I'm starting to listen to those around me.
To close out this blog entry, I want to give some thanks and shout-outs.
My wife, Jess. You mean the world and the universe to me. It's because of you that I took a job that scared the hell out of me and survived a dangerous situation. You and our fur-children saved my life.
My parents, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and my friends. You are there for me all the time. What more can I say?
Catherine DePasquale for your support and concern and your prayers. I'm not a terribly religious person, but every little bit helps when you need the help.
With that, I'm going to close out by voicing one more thing.
We are in some... Bad times. Even if you or your loved ones are healthy physically, this pandemic might be taking a toll on your mental health. Check in on your friends and family, neighbors, everyone. This isn't a time to let anything separate us, but to figuratively come together in mutual support.
If you or a loved one is facing difficulties with mental health, I implore you to contact a support center in your area.
The National Suicide Prevention Helpline is also always there to help, talk or text.
1-800-273-8255 is the number you reach out to.
Don't be afraid. Don't be embarrased. Don't be ashamed.
Take care of yourselves, ya'll.
Be kind to one another.
And I'll see you soon.
Cheers.
December 16, 2018
The Reason for My Hiatus
A few months back, I decided to go on hiatus. I didn’t write, think about writing, do author things, or anything like that. I came back to do NaNoWriMo (which I’ll talk about in a future post), and now am back on course.
But what caused all of this? Funny story, sort of.
For a few weeks before my hiatus I worked with a guy who was big into rap music, and wrote his own lyrics, put them to music, etc. Over the course of him explaining how he works and his success and all that business, he revealed to me that all of his backing tracks, rhythms, and music were all made by someone else and he simply paid for the rights to use them and monetize them. Not going to lie, here, folks, but that blew my mind. Why?
Well, I was under the impression that he did it all himself. But the guy puts out (easily) a song/week or an album/month. Prodigious, I know, and I was kind of impressed until he told me that he only wrote the lyrics and recorded himself. Which lead me to think about the aspects of quantity over quality.
And then I started to think about my own pacing. How I work. How I do what I do.
He was all gung-ho about promoting himself (sometimes stretching the truth miles longer than it should) where I really wasn’t. It had become a back burner kind of thing to me.
So I took some time to think about how I was doing this. Why I was doing this. Was I thinking too much of my own success? Was I thinking too little of what I’ve done? Was I being too hard on myself?
And I’ll admit. I was very close to walking away. Just quietly going out and never returning to writing. What was I really accomplishing with my time and energy?
It didn’t seem like much until I stopped thinking about what I could be and starting thinking about what I should be. This really isn’t a career for me. It’s for fun and, hell, if I make money - great - if not - pbt.
Somewhere along the way I started taking myself too seriously in regards to what I’m doing. In doing so, I created a beast of burden for myself that dragged me down into the depths. For all its worth, I’m writing about fantasy critters pooping glitter and the like. How seriously should I even be taking myself? Really. Think about it.
After thinking about it that whole month I was on hiatus I came to the conclusion that I’m going to do whatever I wanted at the moment. Writing a book that serves as my love letter to the Shin Megami Tensei/Persona series with demonic possessions and everything else? Sure, why not?
(An additional thought: Part of the problem too was having too many works finished but not working. Un-working, if you will, and me not having a solution to fixing them. I think I do now, but no promises.)
In any case, I did NaNoWriMo. Nothing too interesting to report other than I completed it and, for once, I am definitely willing to admit the first draft is an absolute mess. Too bloated, too end-heavy. My usual level of work.
And you know what?
It’s fine. I can fix it. I can go back to it when I’m ready and rework it so it is not the mess that is it now.
I can do this.
But what caused all of this? Funny story, sort of.
For a few weeks before my hiatus I worked with a guy who was big into rap music, and wrote his own lyrics, put them to music, etc. Over the course of him explaining how he works and his success and all that business, he revealed to me that all of his backing tracks, rhythms, and music were all made by someone else and he simply paid for the rights to use them and monetize them. Not going to lie, here, folks, but that blew my mind. Why?
Well, I was under the impression that he did it all himself. But the guy puts out (easily) a song/week or an album/month. Prodigious, I know, and I was kind of impressed until he told me that he only wrote the lyrics and recorded himself. Which lead me to think about the aspects of quantity over quality.
And then I started to think about my own pacing. How I work. How I do what I do.
He was all gung-ho about promoting himself (sometimes stretching the truth miles longer than it should) where I really wasn’t. It had become a back burner kind of thing to me.
So I took some time to think about how I was doing this. Why I was doing this. Was I thinking too much of my own success? Was I thinking too little of what I’ve done? Was I being too hard on myself?
And I’ll admit. I was very close to walking away. Just quietly going out and never returning to writing. What was I really accomplishing with my time and energy?
It didn’t seem like much until I stopped thinking about what I could be and starting thinking about what I should be. This really isn’t a career for me. It’s for fun and, hell, if I make money - great - if not - pbt.
Somewhere along the way I started taking myself too seriously in regards to what I’m doing. In doing so, I created a beast of burden for myself that dragged me down into the depths. For all its worth, I’m writing about fantasy critters pooping glitter and the like. How seriously should I even be taking myself? Really. Think about it.
After thinking about it that whole month I was on hiatus I came to the conclusion that I’m going to do whatever I wanted at the moment. Writing a book that serves as my love letter to the Shin Megami Tensei/Persona series with demonic possessions and everything else? Sure, why not?
(An additional thought: Part of the problem too was having too many works finished but not working. Un-working, if you will, and me not having a solution to fixing them. I think I do now, but no promises.)
In any case, I did NaNoWriMo. Nothing too interesting to report other than I completed it and, for once, I am definitely willing to admit the first draft is an absolute mess. Too bloated, too end-heavy. My usual level of work.
And you know what?
It’s fine. I can fix it. I can go back to it when I’m ready and rework it so it is not the mess that is it now.
I can do this.
October 31, 2018
NaNoWriMo 2018: Welcome Back
So I'm back for however long I decide to be back.
And my first order of business is:
NANOWRIMO 2018:
Mourning Star Academy
"You've met with a terrible fate....
Haven't you?"
Calvin Carpenter dies well before his time in a car accident, leaving the frayed threads of his life behind.
The Keeper of Souls makes him an offer to finish his senior year of high school as a Shade at Mourning Star Academy before passing onto the afterlife.
At the end of his first day at Mourning Star, Calvin wakes up in his earthly bed as if nothing happened. No one heard of his accident.
And life continues as normal.
But the balance of life and death is out of order, and Calvin soon finds that he is The Defiler, a being born to balance the unbalance. That might be hard, when everyone is hiding their demons from him.
That's my little jacket synopsis of Mourning Star Academy. It is essentially a redo of my attempts at The Defiler before. I was able to loop it more towards the influences that it flows from. Which is good because it gave me a clearer ending and clearer plot structure.
I'll talk more about my hiatus in another blog, and my motives behind it, but for now. NANOWRIMO AHOY
And my first order of business is:
NANOWRIMO 2018:
Mourning Star Academy
"You've met with a terrible fate....
Haven't you?"
Calvin Carpenter dies well before his time in a car accident, leaving the frayed threads of his life behind.
The Keeper of Souls makes him an offer to finish his senior year of high school as a Shade at Mourning Star Academy before passing onto the afterlife.
At the end of his first day at Mourning Star, Calvin wakes up in his earthly bed as if nothing happened. No one heard of his accident.
And life continues as normal.
But the balance of life and death is out of order, and Calvin soon finds that he is The Defiler, a being born to balance the unbalance. That might be hard, when everyone is hiding their demons from him.
That's my little jacket synopsis of Mourning Star Academy. It is essentially a redo of my attempts at The Defiler before. I was able to loop it more towards the influences that it flows from. Which is good because it gave me a clearer ending and clearer plot structure.
I'll talk more about my hiatus in another blog, and my motives behind it, but for now. NANOWRIMO AHOY
September 18, 2018
Taking a Step Back, A Hiatus.
Hi all,
I just wanted to drop by and write this short post about my current state of affairs.
Right now, I'm going on hiatus from writing, authoring, being professional, etc. I'm at a point right now where I have time, energy, motivations, and all that good stuff to write, but I just don't feel like it, you know? Maybe it's because I've finally hit the wall. Maybe it's because I'm just not as good as I thought. Maybe it's because I just can't figure out the massive set of rewrites I have to work on.
It takes a lot out of a person to write a whole novel and then have to redo all of it because it's half-done or the plots in shambles, etc. The characters need more to them, the plot is too closed and emotionless.
And that's the current state of Run for Me.
It takes a lot for a person to write a novel influenced by a culture, put the utmost care into research and development, and then have to worry about nonsense and being called out for doing something wrong.
That's the current state of Trials of the Solar Ordinance.
I was rewriting the whole Defiler novel I was working on, the one that was a send-up of Shin Megami Tensei, from the ground up because I had new and better ideas.
The Storyteller War is on hold indefinitely, even though I was working on the last entry in that saga. I had more planned even. But it's just not happening right now.
So... Hiatus until further notice. I don't know when that further notice will be. It could be NaNoWriMo, it could be next year.
It could be never.
It all depends on when I'm actually in tune with what I'm doing and able to do it.
Until we meet again,
Peace.
I just wanted to drop by and write this short post about my current state of affairs.
Right now, I'm going on hiatus from writing, authoring, being professional, etc. I'm at a point right now where I have time, energy, motivations, and all that good stuff to write, but I just don't feel like it, you know? Maybe it's because I've finally hit the wall. Maybe it's because I'm just not as good as I thought. Maybe it's because I just can't figure out the massive set of rewrites I have to work on.
It takes a lot out of a person to write a whole novel and then have to redo all of it because it's half-done or the plots in shambles, etc. The characters need more to them, the plot is too closed and emotionless.
And that's the current state of Run for Me.
It takes a lot for a person to write a novel influenced by a culture, put the utmost care into research and development, and then have to worry about nonsense and being called out for doing something wrong.
That's the current state of Trials of the Solar Ordinance.
I was rewriting the whole Defiler novel I was working on, the one that was a send-up of Shin Megami Tensei, from the ground up because I had new and better ideas.
The Storyteller War is on hold indefinitely, even though I was working on the last entry in that saga. I had more planned even. But it's just not happening right now.
So... Hiatus until further notice. I don't know when that further notice will be. It could be NaNoWriMo, it could be next year.
It could be never.
It all depends on when I'm actually in tune with what I'm doing and able to do it.
Until we meet again,
Peace.
July 14, 2018
Face Wall; Inset Cranium
I am proud to announce without too much pomp that my beta draft of Run for Me is completed. I finished it Wednesday afternoon and have been sitting on the info until now, since this is the first time I've really gotten to sit down since.
It was a weird experience to finish it. In rewriting, I got a lot of insight into the characters - some of which wouldn't have occurred had I not taken a LGBQT+ training at my (now former, explain later) employer, FCRSD. The training answered some question I had about my characters that I couldn't answer, and that I was afraid to ask. The real motives of some characters, their livelihood, etc. It's all come together now, even with a sprinkling of other little things here and there to enhance the novel .
Surprisingly, I cut 5 whole chapters and around 10k words. Impressive for me, Mr. Wordy, as my wife calls me. I'm waiting on seeing if anything else strikes my interest before I start querying. Otherwise, I have my big book-o-agents and am ready to kick ass and chew bubblegum.
And I'm not a fan of bubblegum.
With RfM out of the way, I can focus on the long-neglected Glass, Thread, Fabric, now called Trials of the Solar Ordinance to better capture the plot. You might say to yourself, self, how bad could THIS manuscript be for Mr. Wordy?
You don't have half a clue, Self.
I think I may or may not have mentioned it in a blog post before, BUT unfortunately I was never sure of the opening of Trials. My first attempt started during the funeral of the emperor. Too slow, too much build up for nothing to happen besides exposition. Then I started before the funeral with some action-y stuff. Nope. Didn't work. Too long and clunky.
So I cut the funeral to save the setting and world building for a later chapter. Heck.
But that creates a bigger issue: No funeral, no set-up, many messed up chapters. Events take place that don't need to, things are described that don't exist.
My solution is to read through, take an outline of each chapter, and rewrite that way. Seems easier. I hope.
So, about my former job. I try not to get too personal in the blog, just my own motive, yet I feel as though I need to bring this up.
I am in my last college course of my bachelors degree, and with that comes the start of my Masters. The school I applied to has a policy that, for a Master's in Arts of Teaching, student teaching must be done. And during said student teaching, I am not to hold a job.
That means Mr. Wordy has to save money, and I a'int doing that working two jobs for A) No money, B) Few hours. There was no room for growth for me at the school anyway. So I decided to find something else to save me that sweet wampum. (Which I may or may not rub my ass with my Mr Krabs, which is the only reason I used the word wampum.)
It was a weird experience to finish it. In rewriting, I got a lot of insight into the characters - some of which wouldn't have occurred had I not taken a LGBQT+ training at my (now former, explain later) employer, FCRSD. The training answered some question I had about my characters that I couldn't answer, and that I was afraid to ask. The real motives of some characters, their livelihood, etc. It's all come together now, even with a sprinkling of other little things here and there to enhance the novel .
Surprisingly, I cut 5 whole chapters and around 10k words. Impressive for me, Mr. Wordy, as my wife calls me. I'm waiting on seeing if anything else strikes my interest before I start querying. Otherwise, I have my big book-o-agents and am ready to kick ass and chew bubblegum.
And I'm not a fan of bubblegum.
With RfM out of the way, I can focus on the long-neglected Glass, Thread, Fabric, now called Trials of the Solar Ordinance to better capture the plot. You might say to yourself, self, how bad could THIS manuscript be for Mr. Wordy?
You don't have half a clue, Self.
I think I may or may not have mentioned it in a blog post before, BUT unfortunately I was never sure of the opening of Trials. My first attempt started during the funeral of the emperor. Too slow, too much build up for nothing to happen besides exposition. Then I started before the funeral with some action-y stuff. Nope. Didn't work. Too long and clunky.
So I cut the funeral to save the setting and world building for a later chapter. Heck.
But that creates a bigger issue: No funeral, no set-up, many messed up chapters. Events take place that don't need to, things are described that don't exist.
My solution is to read through, take an outline of each chapter, and rewrite that way. Seems easier. I hope.
So, about my former job. I try not to get too personal in the blog, just my own motive, yet I feel as though I need to bring this up.
I am in my last college course of my bachelors degree, and with that comes the start of my Masters. The school I applied to has a policy that, for a Master's in Arts of Teaching, student teaching must be done. And during said student teaching, I am not to hold a job.
That means Mr. Wordy has to save money, and I a'int doing that working two jobs for A) No money, B) Few hours. There was no room for growth for me at the school anyway. So I decided to find something else to save me that sweet wampum. (Which I may or may not rub my ass with my Mr Krabs, which is the only reason I used the word wampum.)
May 30, 2018
Not a Completionist
It's no secret that I like video games. But did you realize that I (seemingly) rarely finish any of them?
I think I've started more games than I've finished, and even fewer I've done the whole 100%, collect everything nonsense. The only two games I know I've gone 100% are Legend of Mana and Pokemon: Ruby. Or maybe it was Diamond? Hell if I remember. Long story short. One of the Pokemon games I actually completed the PokeDex.
I've seen the final boss or ending cut scenes of few games. Maybe not. It just seems to me, right here, in this moment, that I've not completed a lot of games I've bought.
For example, I've been playing Dragon Quest VIII for the better part of a month now (and letting it disrupt my work) but tonight, just maybe an hour from the final boss, I hit the wall and thought "Man, I'm bored."
That's what usually happens to me with games. They get too long, too complicated, too whatever and I walk away.
So to me it's a miracle that I've finished three books, a handful of short stories, NaNoWriMo twice, and edits and whatnot. I'm not consistent in the least.
It's also a miracle that I read books to the end. Maybe because it's easier? Who knows. I'm a strange beast.
Right now, I'm doing edits on Run for Me. In the vein on consistency, there's a lot of INconsistencies. Characters disappear and reappear, events are mentioned twice. You can tell I was writing it half-assed using a Bluetooth keyboard on my phone at work.
But the hope is that I can fix it. So far, so good.
As long as I don't get distracted by all the wonderful video games coming out that I won't finish.
I think I've started more games than I've finished, and even fewer I've done the whole 100%, collect everything nonsense. The only two games I know I've gone 100% are Legend of Mana and Pokemon: Ruby. Or maybe it was Diamond? Hell if I remember. Long story short. One of the Pokemon games I actually completed the PokeDex.
I've seen the final boss or ending cut scenes of few games. Maybe not. It just seems to me, right here, in this moment, that I've not completed a lot of games I've bought.
For example, I've been playing Dragon Quest VIII for the better part of a month now (and letting it disrupt my work) but tonight, just maybe an hour from the final boss, I hit the wall and thought "Man, I'm bored."
That's what usually happens to me with games. They get too long, too complicated, too whatever and I walk away.
So to me it's a miracle that I've finished three books, a handful of short stories, NaNoWriMo twice, and edits and whatnot. I'm not consistent in the least.
It's also a miracle that I read books to the end. Maybe because it's easier? Who knows. I'm a strange beast.
Right now, I'm doing edits on Run for Me. In the vein on consistency, there's a lot of INconsistencies. Characters disappear and reappear, events are mentioned twice. You can tell I was writing it half-assed using a Bluetooth keyboard on my phone at work.
But the hope is that I can fix it. So far, so good.
As long as I don't get distracted by all the wonderful video games coming out that I won't finish.
Nick's Insight to Madness
This is the semi-official blog of author Nick Bolock. I'll write here about my writing, some things around me, ideas I've worked on, and some other things along the way.
Keep checking back! ...more
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- Nick Bolock's profile
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Nick Bolock isn't a Goodreads Author
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