I Can't Think of a Good Title for this Post, but it Explains My Recent Hiatus.

"I was in a really dark place. I even thought of packing it in, but I just could not bring myself to do it."
X Marks the Spot, by Sonata Arctica from their album Pariah's Child, 2014.

I want to start out by saying that yes, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation about my most recent absence. But this is something I feel I need to write. Something I need to be honest with not only myself, but everyone else too. Before I go any further, I also want to say that this isn't a cry for attention or anything like that.

Oh, and this blog might get a little long and heavy at times. Also there is a lot of complaining and airing of grievances.
Buckle in.

I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, and, at one point, even thought of letting go. Ending it. Why? Well...

My last blog post was in December of 2018. That came at the end of another hiatus. From there, I reworked Morning Star Academy, but I still wasn't feeling it totally. During this period I got really poor feedback on one of the works I was really proud of - Run for Me. I basically paid someone to shit on my novel. Someone claiming to be a professional read it and send feedback that essentially came down to everything in the novel was "absurd". I tried to let it roll off my back, but instead I let it eat away at me. But I managed to write a short novel inspired by another game series I enjoy. It was simple, unhindered, and it may never see the light of day.

But it was also during this time that somethings in my life went to shit.
My job as an assistant manager basically imploded. Because the manager was and is too stupid to hire and/or keep employees, I ended up working 6 days a week. Most shifts were 2PM to 12AM. Not good for the mind and body. Then I had Saturdays, where my shift was 5AM to 2PM. Combined with the fact that my manager and her useless crony took delight in tearing every other employee down and telling me that I don't know how to do my job because they were too stupid and lazy to do theirs really took its toll on my mental health.

I was in a constant state of short-circuiting. Things I once enjoyed were doing nothing for me and soon became a means of survival rather than a release or enjoyment.

Why didn't I leave? I was trying. I was applying to every job that had little chance of killing me but finding mixed results. I wasn't totally ready to leave. But two nice little peaks really sold me on getting the hell out.

Peak number one: The manager was notorious for being, well, a piece of crap. Giant one. Her crony didn't help either and no one really did anything about it until little justice-seeking me. I went and filed a complaint with the owner and had a nice little sit-down with him that ended with me being accused of trying to steal the manager's job. No, you jackass, I didn't want her job. I wanted you to get off your ass and do something.
But nah. I was asking too much.

Peak number two: Ironically, I had a job interview one Friday. Foolish manager called me to cover for someone calling off for a few hours (not to close because, well, I opened the damn store the next day). I told her I would call her back "in a few hours" (after my interview that she didn't know about and didn't need to know about).

Now, side break time. That job interview was a wild ride. I won't say where, but I will say this. Even though I felt dead inside, I was hired on the spot. Hell, the manager at this new place (my now CURRENT manager) didn't even ask if I wanted the job. She told me I had it. Back to the main story.

When I was driving to the gas station for my cover-shift... I had a thought. A powerful thought. Let go of the steering wheel. If I did, there was a good chance I would hit something and, well, you know, die. I'd be free. Free...

But like the quote that opens this blog, I couldn't do it. Something inside me and the things outside of me made me press on. I knew there were people who still cared about me, even if some made it their life's work to destroy me and make them just as joyless and hopeless as themselves. My wife even ended up coming to my workplace that evening and begged me to leave. I wasn't sold.

Peak 2.5 sold me. I intended to call the manager at the new job and let her know I wasn't interested. But the next day, a Saturday when I usually worked 5AM-2PM, something fun happened. Whoever was due in at 2PM didn't show up. Someone was scheduled, but they weren't available. So I called the manager and asked her what the deal was. She tells me that she forgot to schedule someone to work 2PM to 12AM that night and, here's the kicker, asked me to stay for the shift.

My response?

"Gas Station Manager's Name, I'll kill you."

I was fed up. I set my jaw and girded my loins and that following Tuesday, I told her I was leaving. I didn't care anymore. Took a few people with me too. Haven't looked back.

But things haven't been all sunshine and daisies. The above occurred between June and November of 2019, I was there three years.

It was due to that and some other wild circumstances that I sought therapy in September. This was my second go-around with therapy and things got better for me slowly. I was put on an anti-depressant as well. I was making progress, but something wasn't quite right. Once the anti-depressant set in, I found myself unable to write. Sure, I could write technically for school, but not creatively. I brought it up to both my therapist and the nurse-practitioner handling my meds and they agreed on something. It might be the meds, or it might be me.

Even though I started my new job as a retail supervisor and LOVE it, I couldn't write.
I wracked my brain, I pushed my buttons, I tried to write.

But nothing.

For the second time, I thought of packing it in. This time I wanted to swear off of writing. Kill of my pages on Twitter and Facebook and pull everything from Amazon. I wasn't finding success, so what did it matter?

Well, it did matter. I remembered, as I frequently find myself remembering, that I wasn't doing this just for monetary success or fame. I was doing it doing it because I liked telling stories. I liked writing. I liked reading.

So I took another break. I backed off again. It hit me then that writing, like video games and other things, became a means of survival rather than an outlet. That was the roadblock I had to overcome, among other things.

A few weeks ago, I did the unthinkable. I went back to Morning Star Academy and started thinking about how I wanted the novel to change. To improve. I started outlining and analyzing again.

I'm doing better now. I love my job, my school work is overcome with ease, my manager isn't a loon or a butt head and actually respects me and what we do, and they are cutting back the meds.

I'm doing better now, even if I am laid off due to the pandemic and losing track of the days (which is hilarious to me).

I'm doing better now because I'm starting to listen to those around me.

To close out this blog entry, I want to give some thanks and shout-outs.
My wife, Jess. You mean the world and the universe to me. It's because of you that I took a job that scared the hell out of me and survived a dangerous situation. You and our fur-children saved my life.

My parents, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and my friends. You are there for me all the time. What more can I say?

Catherine DePasquale for your support and concern and your prayers. I'm not a terribly religious person, but every little bit helps when you need the help.

With that, I'm going to close out by voicing one more thing.

We are in some... Bad times. Even if you or your loved ones are healthy physically, this pandemic might be taking a toll on your mental health. Check in on your friends and family, neighbors, everyone. This isn't a time to let anything separate us, but to figuratively come together in mutual support.
If you or a loved one is facing difficulties with mental health, I implore you to contact a support center in your area.
The National Suicide Prevention Helpline is also always there to help, talk or text.
1-800-273-8255 is the number you reach out to.
Don't be afraid. Don't be embarrased. Don't be ashamed.

Take care of yourselves, ya'll.
Be kind to one another.

And I'll see you soon.

Cheers.