Kern Carter's Blog, page 99
September 28, 2021
Hypervigilance, Cptsd, and Fear-A Common Problem for Adults Who Didn’t Feel Safe As Children
It’s most common for me when I am on a bike ride with my family. I see my 12-year-old son zooming right in front of me, and picture every…
September 27, 2021
To Me, From Me
Photo by Benjamin Wedem on UnsplashDear Cristi,
Today is a momentous day for you. It is your first day of college. It will feel a bit like summer camp at first, but you will find your groove. Speaking of finding things. Go find Sara Jane. She lives in your dorm. She is going to be your fiercest friend for life. And she is hella cool, like you.
You are probably wondering how I know that. Well, I am you. I mean, not you, but you in the future. I am living in Nebraska now. Did not expect that did you? It’s a long story. You may be trying to figure out how I got this letter to you. You would not believe the technology we have in the future. Think: self-driving car. Crazy, right?
Wow girl, you have a multitude of lessons to learn. However, before I dive into all my elderly wisdom, I know what you really want to know is your future. I will give you an overview. Only so you will pay attention to the important stuff later. I know you.
You find her. You find your biological mother. She is alive, and you get to meet her. She remembers you, and loves you. It is one of the most beautiful moments of your life.
You find love. Like big time LOVE. Damn girl, he is incredible. You really did get lucky with this one. He is handsome, witty, kind, and patient. He is the yin to your yang. The peanut butter to your jelly. The mac to your cheese. The…well, you get it. You guys get each other.
You have children. They are all your biological children, which I know was important to you. However, in (my) hindsight, the love for your children would not change no matter how they came to you. You will have three kids, two of which are twins. Yes, it is fun. Yes, it is hard. Yes, you will love them beyond measure.
Okay, that is all the fortune telling you are getting. Here is some advice that I think you would do best to heed. You can trust me. I am you after all.
First, you are so goddamn smart. You are! You do not believe that right now, but you really are. I know you do not have many people in your life cheering for you. So take it from me, you are capable of anything. Seize this time to pour yourself into bettering yourself and your mind. You are the most important person in your life right now. No one else. One day, there will be a husband and kids, and adulting crap. By then, it will be a struggle to put yourself first for even a minute.
Second, you are worthy of love. You are worthy of respect. If you do not receive the treatment you deserve, then get up and walk out the door. You can do it. It is not locked! You are the master of your life. You do not have to take shit from anyone. You are amazing, Cristi. Do not let anyone forget it.
Third, your beautiful, convoluted mind is a treasure trove. You want to major in English, but Dad told you a Masters in Fine Arts degree “would not lead to a very lucrative career.” I do not know if that is true. But I can tell you one thing for sure, you will not regret it. You truly love literature. There is nothing else that captures your passion and attention like story and all it entails. It gives you pure joy. You get lost in your own worlds, as you always have. Flex that muscle now. Read and write something every day. Dive in deep girl. *Bonus fortune telling fact: You get a Bachelor’s of Science degree in Nursing (because you are smart remember?). You do not love it. And you end up a stay-at-home mom anyway. So you might as well pursue a degree in something you actually enjoy. Like writing!
Finally, you need to acknowledge your pain. Your profound, life-altering pain. You have not begun to process it. That is okay. But you should let yourself feel it all. I know it hurts. No one wants to feel sad, angry, and depressed. All feelings are meant to be felt. Believe it or not, you are able to withstand the pain. You can walk through fire and make it through the other side.
I will end with the best advice I have been given in my (your) life so far: Do not believe everything you think. Everyone has struggles and challenges. Yes, some have more privilege. But to struggle is to be human, and we are all human.
Okay, my self-driving car has arrived at the virtual reality department store, so I need to go. Just kidding! Your kids just poured cereal all over the floor.
Love,
You (No wait is it Me? Us?)
To Me, From Me was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
Wilted Pink Rose
As the wind blows onto her face,Her thoughts pause momentarily,Somehow drifting away onto a past case.
Call For Submissions—Have You Changed?
I can say from experience that one of the hardest things to do is change. I think a big part of that is because changing begins with an admission that something isn’t right, and that something is usually in your control. The level of self-reflection it takes to get to this point is emotionally painful, and that’s before you take on the challenge of actually correcting it.
There’s also another type of change. It’s the change that’s inevitable. There’s nothing wrong or nothing you did that was bad, but time has a way of moving us forward and forcing change on us.
I have a tattoo on my arm that reads, “And this too shall pass.” It’s a reminder that no matter how beautiful a moment is, how perfect a duration of time might feel, inevitably, it comes to an end. That’s change.
So for this week’s prompt, tell us about how you’ve changed. What’s one noticeable way your life has been flipped on its side, for better or worse, and how have you dealt with it?
Same rules still apply:You can submit to this or ANY of our past writing prompts. Just scroll through our previous newsletters. They’ll be marked “Call for Submissions.”If you’re already a writer for CRY, go ahead and submit.If you’re not a writer for CRY but would like to submit to this or any other prompt, let us know and we’ll add you ASAP. Include your profile handle in your message or comment.Be as creative as you want in your submissions. As long as you stick to the topic, we’ll consider it.Just because you submit doesn’t mean we’ll post. If you haven’t heard back from us in three days, consider that a pass.Please reach out if you have any questions at all. If you are new to Medium, here’s how you submit a draft to a publication.
Call For Submissions—Have You Changed? was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
Poem From the Underworld
from PxhereWe were born from cotton, anchored to trees, turn to ashes, grown out of glooms, linked since forever, at the beginning of our time.
Our love lasted for ages, burn to rebirth over time.
So much water has flown, dripping black fuel and coal to keep that white candle warm.
Our hips remember a story in a song, a ballad of a First love.
We were once — we were once when plans brought us here;
when planes brought us back closer than we thought.
Over mountains and bridges, different trees, with the same blood, cut by the wind, made for each other, bodies and souls.
We were once — we were once when plans brought us here;
when planes brought us back closer than we thought.
Our time has passed, new life broke in and turned that chain into a rhythm.
We were, once, when plans brought us here; when planes brought us back closer than we thought.
My hips remember an old song, a ballad of a First love,
and I should learn to let it go.
Alessia Petrolito
Poem From the Underworld was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
Men Don’t Like Crying Women
Photo by Verne Ho on UnsplashCrying is good for the soul. It means something needs to be released and if you don’t release that something, it weighs you down, until you can hardly move.
— Erin Entrada Kelly in Hello, Universe
It’s true. I cry a lot.
I cry over small things, big fights and unmet expectations. I cry when I am angry, upset, unhappy or frustrated. I cry when I can no longer keep it inside me. Sometimes, I cry even while I am talking.
The other night, my husband and I decided to talk about and reflect on our experience of living together as a married couple. I wanted to tell him that I often felt overshadowed by his commitment towards his work. I was trying to tell him that he should want to come home early from the office and not work overtime, because I deserve his time, especially after eight months of a long distance relationship.
My voice started breaking down as I spoke.
Even when we were long distance and we used to get into an argument, I ended up crying on the phone.
He has made it clear a number of times now that he doesn’t like it when I cry.
It’s not only him. My best friend, who happens to be a male too, holds similar views on me crying.
Once, I was very frustrated because I was feeling lost in my ambitions. I had no career and the goals which I was aiming for seemed to be drawn farther away from me, for odd reasons. I felt tired from making efforts. I dialed him with an intent to talk it out. While I was talking, I started crying. He got pissed in no time. Instead of comforting me, he shouted at me asking — “Why do you start crying every time?”
I had no answer. I went on crying and he got more and more irritated by it. Maybe he had a bad day, but what’s with “Stop crying or I don’t want to talk anymore!”
I was offended by his words. I called him because I needed him to tell me that everything will fall in place, just hold yourself in there. I wanted to hear words like, “you are brave, you will shine one day”. But instead, he made it all about my crying. When I asked him “How can you talk to me like that”, still sobbing, he retaliated saying, “Stop it now, or I will come and slap you right away!”
That was it.
I didn’t speak to him for three months and he didn’t seem to care. Eventually, we met again and we spoke. He never said sorry but I forgave him nonetheless.
I had the same story with my ex boyfriend too and he always never wanted me to cry.
Photo by Hala Al-Asadi on UnsplashI am an emotional woman, a sensitive soul. Crying comes naturally to me, I don’t plan to cry. It is hard for me to hold my tears in and pretend like everything is okay. I do not see crying as a sign of weakness. I see crying as a sign of strength. It makes me feel empowered to express my emotions with utmost purity. It enables me to vent out my feelings effectively. I cry because I feel things more deeply than others. I cry because it takes the burden off of me. I don’t cry for sympathy or pity. It is a mere expression of my inner self.I hate to generalize but comforting is not a strong suit of men. I don’t understand why men feel so disgusted when they see a woman cry. It seems there’s no way they can make peace with it. For them, crying must stop at any cost or you invite their wrath!
I really want to go to the core of this.
My husband loves me. My best friend loves me too. Maybe, they hate to see me break down and in pain. They want me to be happy, always.
But they need to understand that crying is not necessarily a bad thing. They need to understand that crying is a natural human process and I have no control over it (even if I did have the control, I would never choose to suppress my tears). They need to understand that crying does not mean it is the end of the world for me. They need to stop perceiving me as someone they “have to deal” with. They need to stop behaving like my crying is disrupting their mental peace.I cry, then I stop and move on. It is the best way for me to deal with my stress, anxiety, fears and insecurities. I experience bliss after every time I cry (more like, “Thank God I cried, I feel so much better now!”). My mind is cleared to think about other things and make a fresh start. By crying, I put out everything which lay inside my heart and I think it is a lot better than keeping grudges, dissatisfactions and anger in me.
I want to shout out to all the people who cry a lot. Crying is absolutely healthy. Don’t feel pressured into vulnerability and weakness just because you are made to feel that way about yourself. Being sensitive and emotional is a precious trait which not many people possess.
Cry because it HELPS you.
Cry because it HEALS you.
Cry because it is THERAPEUTIC
Cry because it will make you STRONGER.
Any men reading my story can share in the response section if there is a particular reason why they hate to see their loved ones cry so much. I am genuinely eager to go to the depths of this.
[image error]Men Don’t Like Crying Women was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
