To Me, From Me

Photo by Benjamin Wedem on Unsplash

Dear Cristi,

Today is a momentous day for you. It is your first day of college. It will feel a bit like summer camp at first, but you will find your groove. Speaking of finding things. Go find Sara Jane. She lives in your dorm. She is going to be your fiercest friend for life. And she is hella cool, like you.

You are probably wondering how I know that. Well, I am you. I mean, not you, but you in the future. I am living in Nebraska now. Did not expect that did you? It’s a long story. You may be trying to figure out how I got this letter to you. You would not believe the technology we have in the future. Think: self-driving car. Crazy, right?

Wow girl, you have a multitude of lessons to learn. However, before I dive into all my elderly wisdom, I know what you really want to know is your future. I will give you an overview. Only so you will pay attention to the important stuff later. I know you.

You find her. You find your biological mother. She is alive, and you get to meet her. She remembers you, and loves you. It is one of the most beautiful moments of your life.

You find love. Like big time LOVE. Damn girl, he is incredible. You really did get lucky with this one. He is handsome, witty, kind, and patient. He is the yin to your yang. The peanut butter to your jelly. The mac to your cheese. The…well, you get it. You guys get each other.

You have children. They are all your biological children, which I know was important to you. However, in (my) hindsight, the love for your children would not change no matter how they came to you. You will have three kids, two of which are twins. Yes, it is fun. Yes, it is hard. Yes, you will love them beyond measure.

Okay, that is all the fortune telling you are getting. Here is some advice that I think you would do best to heed. You can trust me. I am you after all.

First, you are so goddamn smart. You are! You do not believe that right now, but you really are. I know you do not have many people in your life cheering for you. So take it from me, you are capable of anything. Seize this time to pour yourself into bettering yourself and your mind. You are the most important person in your life right now. No one else. One day, there will be a husband and kids, and adulting crap. By then, it will be a struggle to put yourself first for even a minute.

Second, you are worthy of love. You are worthy of respect. If you do not receive the treatment you deserve, then get up and walk out the door. You can do it. It is not locked! You are the master of your life. You do not have to take shit from anyone. You are amazing, Cristi. Do not let anyone forget it.

Third, your beautiful, convoluted mind is a treasure trove. You want to major in English, but Dad told you a Masters in Fine Arts degree “would not lead to a very lucrative career.” I do not know if that is true. But I can tell you one thing for sure, you will not regret it. You truly love literature. There is nothing else that captures your passion and attention like story and all it entails. It gives you pure joy. You get lost in your own worlds, as you always have. Flex that muscle now. Read and write something every day. Dive in deep girl. *Bonus fortune telling fact: You get a Bachelor’s of Science degree in Nursing (because you are smart remember?). You do not love it. And you end up a stay-at-home mom anyway. So you might as well pursue a degree in something you actually enjoy. Like writing!

Finally, you need to acknowledge your pain. Your profound, life-altering pain. You have not begun to process it. That is okay. But you should let yourself feel it all. I know it hurts. No one wants to feel sad, angry, and depressed. All feelings are meant to be felt. Believe it or not, you are able to withstand the pain. You can walk through fire and make it through the other side.

I will end with the best advice I have been given in my (your) life so far: Do not believe everything you think. Everyone has struggles and challenges. Yes, some have more privilege. But to struggle is to be human, and we are all human.

Okay, my self-driving car has arrived at the virtual reality department store, so I need to go. Just kidding! Your kids just poured cereal all over the floor.

Love,

You (No wait is it Me? Us?)

To Me, From Me was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.