Kern Carter's Blog, page 102

Waking up to See Your Eyes and the Most Beautiful Smile — You Found Me!

A letter to myself is what I needed today

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Self Love, a Poem

Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

Sometimes it rains, but the sun does shine.

Sometimes I get wet, but I’m still all mines.

Would you rather be broke or give it all up for a million-dollar joke?

Would you save your temple and stay pure…so simple.

Would you play yourself to prove a point?

Or rise above it all and say no while puffing on a joint?

Do you think you’re worth it?

Or do you think you’re worthless?

Do you have goals and dreams?

Where is your self-esteem?

Do you look to others for approval?

Or do you look to yourself — or should you?

It’s called self-love and it starts by establishing you are already loved by your Creator who is above.

All the hurt, all the tears, all the frustrations, and all the fears.

Sometimes it rains, but the sun does shine;

Sometimes I get wet, but I still got my peace of mind.

© 1999 Tamika Morrison Okeleke

Self Love, a Poem was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

When things get hard, do you push harder? Here’s what to do instead:

Musings from the yoga mat: Day 3 — Stepping off the struggle bus.Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on UnsplashHow many times have you been told to stay focused on what you want?

You hear over and over that all you need to do is keep your eye on the prize. In the world of manifestation and the law of attraction, you’re told to “keep the end goal in your vision and feel it.”

While there’s truth to that, there’s also a degree of danger in it. Perhaps I missed the memo, but where are the people telling you to be sure you’re living and enjoying your life as well?

Actually, that’s something I already knew. I simply forgot.

You see, I’ve been after a prize of my own for a couple of years now — to the point of complete obsession.

I always said I would never be that person who worked on the weekends. I would always keep my health and my relationships at the top of my priority list.

Now that I’m back on my yoga mat, I’m realizing where things need to shift for me. I haven’t been living the life I always thought I would by having a business working from home. Getting an online business going is much more difficult than people lead you to believe.

In a sea of others attempting the same thing, you get to see the highlight reels of those who have made it.

All the rest of us are over here floundering, keeping our eyes on the prize, and following all the breadcrumb trails of the “experts” who have the next best tactic that WORKS.

All you need is the right strategy.

That may be true; There is no cookie-cutter approach though. What works for one may not work for another.

And the niche thing?

I’m sure there’s some semblance of reality in that… But, in my two years of doing this, I’ve tried a couple of niches, and guess what?

The people who have contacted me for help have had nothing to do with the niche of the moment. They’re the people who feel lost and don’t know what they want. They feel stuck and don’t know why.

Do you want to know the funny thing? That stuckness is what I wanted to design my coaching practice around from the beginning.

I realized that last night on my mat. Profound things happen in my brain when I don’t have my eyes glued to social media. When I let go of searching for someone else’s version of what works, my truth comes out.

I suppose my truth has been there all along, but I was too wrapped up in getting ahead to notice. The exhaustion I’ve been feeling is real.

Chasing doesn’t work.

When everything you do is about trying to get followers, potential clients, money, or even love, of course it’s going to feel like a struggle. These are the wrong reasons to do anything. It’s not the way to live an authentic life.

What if we all decide to focus on feeling good? I feel good on my yoga mat, spending time with my husband, time out in nature, and sitting in the sun. I do feel good here, sitting at my desk. Writing makes me feel good. I suspect there’s been a writer inside me, dying to get out, for years. To write what’s on my heart — not what I think will get me the next client, but what I truly feel, think and believe.

To an extent, most of what I write IS what I feel, think and believe — I’m just so over adding a call to action to everything!

There was a time when I felt this same feeling of overwhelming exhaustion before I re-met my husband.

I was a single mom, working in a job I hated, and all I could focus on was finding love. I was talking to a few men — and making myself available to whoever wanted to show me attention.

I ignored bright red flags on the off chance they would change and become what I needed.

When I realized that none of these men were on the same page as me, I sank deeper and deeper into a jaded perspective.

One day I had had enough.

There wasn’t any particular incident that drove me over the edge. I was just done.

I was sitting on a train headed to Chicago for a dental convention. That alone was agonizing, but at least I could read while I traveled. The book was Planetary Healing. In the first chapter of the book, the author spoke about her relationship with her husband. She said they were true soul mates. The way she described her relationship with him drew me in. I finished the chapter and sat for a while.

I contemplated my life and what I had been allowing.

The relationship that the author described was the type of relationship I was looking for, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t going to find that on a dating website, and I certainly wasn’t going to find it in any of the men I was allowing to walk all over me.

I decided at that moment that I was done.

Done searching, done hoping, and done trying. I wasn’t giving up on the idea of love. I was giving up the struggle. Deciding right then and there that I would let love find me, I got off the train and went about my day.

I felt lighter than I had in a long time.

Suddenly, instead of feeling alone in the world, I felt like I had gained new strength. I had a new best friend and protector — in myself.

Fear slipped away, and contentment set in.

Just a few hours later, my phone buzzed. It was a message from my very first love. We were 15 at the time — a lifetime ago. We are married now, and we have the kind of relationship that I read about in that book. That’s the funny thing about manifestation. What you’re looking for does show up eventually. You have to let go of the struggle first though.

So, when you’re feeling like all the searching and trying is becoming an obsession — you’re focusing too hard.

You’ve lost the point of what you’re doing. It’s time to bring your attention back inward. Ask yourself what it is that you want.

Then, hold out for that. Do something that feels good that has everything to do with what’s in your heart.

For me, that’s yoga, writing, and it’s helping people who feel lost — like I used to feel.

What is it for you?

When things get hard, do you push harder? Here’s what to do instead: was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Call for Poetry Submissions—Merging Realities: Mind vs Matter

Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash

Let’s keep it real: finding common ground between what your mind believes and what the world shows you can be one of the most frustrating battles throughout our lifetime.

When I was young, I’d get caught up in thinking, “Man, I deserve better because of all that I’ve been through.”

Or;

“Man, when is my time going to come?”

Or;

“Why can’t I create the realities that I envision?”

But the thing is—the world doesn’t owe us anything.

We make that judgment ourselves.

It can be confusing to find meaning and belonging in two worlds—the mental and the physical.

But finding a way to merge these two realities is how you get rid of anxiety and welcome in holistic harmony.

This is why it’s important to challenge our perceptions—often.

We all view the world from a subjective viewpoint, and while there’s nothing wrong with that, relying on that perspective alone can hold us back from progressing towards earthly desires.

I’m talking about traveling, finding a suitable career, finding love, and creating a life on our own terms.

Whether we like it or not; we need to understand how the physical world operates in order to create the realities within our minds.

It’s going to require honesty, acceptance, and courage.

It’s going to be a long-distance pursuit.

But step by step, with each new lesson learned, we find a way to get closer to our desired equilibrium that creates the reality held deep within our souls.

So, what’s this battle been like for you?

Do you still struggle to find a balance between what your mind wants and what the world shows you?

Have you been able to make peace with your mental and physical world?

Has this battle made you give up on that reality that your soul wants so badly to be true?

Let it all out in this week’s call for poetry submissions.

Love.

A few new rules:Keep your submission to ~ 350 words max.Format the poem as it is meant to be read.Make sure to put the “poetry” tag on your story.Focus on clarity — make sure your piece has a clear premise and takeaway.The same rules still apply:You can submit to this or ANY of our past writing prompts. Just scroll through our previous newsletters. They’ll be marked “Call for Submissions.”If you’re already a writer for CRY, go ahead and submit.If you’re not a writer for CRY but would like to submit to this or any other prompt, let us know and we’ll add you ASAP. Include your profile handle in your message or comment.Be as creative as you want in your submissions. As long as you stick to the topic, we’ll consider it.Just because you submit doesn’t mean we’ll post. If you haven’t heard back from us in three days, consider that a pass.

Please reach out if you have any questions at all. If you are new to Medium, here’s how you submit a draft to a publication.

Call for Poetry Submissions—Merging Realities: Mind vs Matter was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Call For Submissions: How Are You Transforming?

Teacher of the year and recovering alcoholic. For many years, Jessica Dueñas was living a double life as she battled the peaks and valleys of alcoholism. In her Love & Literature series, Drowning in Shallow Water, she writes about her five weeks at a rehab facility.

Losing control from being intoxicated, she was forced to face her truth behind those hospital walls. Now sober since November 28, 2020, it took Jessica eight hospitalizations to get there.

When we take time to look honestly at who we are and where we are, we have the power to transform ourselves into someone completely new.

So let’s talk about transformations. What big change have you made in your life that has set you on a new path? What area of your life are you working on to transform?

Same rules still apply:You can submit to this or ANY of our past writing prompts. Just scroll through our previous newsletters. They’ll be marked “Call for Submissions.”If you’re already a writer for CRY, go ahead and submit.If you’re not a writer for CRY but would like to submit to this or any other prompt, let us know and we’ll add you ASAP. Include your profile handle in your message or comment.Be as creative as you want in your submissions. As long as you stick to the topic, we’ll consider it.Just because you submit doesn’t mean we’ll post. If you haven’t heard back from us in three days, consider that a pass.

Please reach out if you have any questions at all. If you are new to Medium, here’s how you submit a draft to a publication.

Call For Submissions: How Are You Transforming? was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Thunder

Can you feel the thunder?

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Sound Out On Paper

A letter to myself about pursuing writing

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I Am Not Well, Mentally

I think I can manage it, as long as I keep reminding myself about itPhoto by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

A couple of weeks back, I was miserable. I could barely hold my tears in. I wanted to cry and put it all out. I wanted to scream and let it all out. I wanted to lay back on the couch, close my eyes and not think, at all. I wanted to intoxicate myself so that I could calm my nerves. My cheekbones had started to hurt, keeping it all inside.

Honestly, there was no good reason for me to feel that way.

It was a beautiful day out, warm, not windy and partly sunny. My husband and I had planned to visit the Cliffs of Moher, a popular tourist destination in Ireland, a couple of hours drive from where we live. My husband and I both were very excited and hopeful that the weather is calm and pleasant, which is otherwise harsh, rainy and windy on the eastern edge of Atlantic waters.

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland. Photo by Jarek Skowron on Unsplash

All was good until Saturday evening when it all started to get into my head. I was cooking dinner for the night and was engaged in a random conversation with my husband when he said something about buying a PlayStation and that was it. I am not sure what happened to me. In a moment, I went on from being excited, happy to being outrageous, uncalm and unhappy. One thought led to another and soon, anxiety had taken over me.

I kept thinking he has everything else on his mind but me.

On the next day, I was silent throughout our ride to the Cliffs, my husband was not very pleased too. He was upset, I could tell. I had ruined the trip for him and there was no way I could make it better without letting it all out. I felt even worse, more guilty for snapping out the previous night on him and for mudding the settled waters. When we reached the Cliffs, nature’s serenity helped both of us feel a little better and for a few hours we focused on how beautiful the ocean looked. We could see the horizon and sat on the Cliffs for a while, thinking how amazing a sunset would look from there.

I had the most amazing man, sitting beside me, doing everything he can to make me happy, to give me comfort and to make me feel loved but there I was, doubting him, questioning him and making him feel worse for doing everything he was, for me. I knew this all along. I know him. I know that he loves me, a lot. He cares for me. He is not very expressive but I know, in there, in his heart, he has a lot of love, respect and attachment for me.

Why then, am I not convinced of his truth, genuineness and his innocence?Why then, do I fail to see his love, his efforts towards the relationship?Why then, do I keep seeking validations, reassurances from him?

Honestly, I don’t know.

I had it all out when we returned home. I blamed him, I poured my anger on him. I told him he was not doing enough. I ranted my fears, my what ifs, my insecurities. He sat there, looking at me, feeling very hurt, disappointed and confused. He didn’t say a word until I was done. When I finally stopped speaking (rather crying in despair), he came to me and gave me a very warm, intimate hug. He said, let’s talk. He kept his arms around me the whole time we talked. He told me he can’t stand me crying and seeing me cry pisses him off more than anything else. He gave me explanations. He gave me validations. He told me he loves me.

I felt a lot better afterwards.

Photo by M. on Unsplash

I apologized like I always do, but while I was lying on my bed that night, trying to sleep peacefully, I thought — this can’t happen over and over again. I was trying to make sense of what had got on to me and why I behaved so rashly, so wildly and so emotionally!

What is with the sudden drift of emotions?What is it about building extreme scenarios in my head?

Not only did it put a strain on the health of my relationship but it made me tremendously sick, mentally. I was exhausted. My brain needed to catch a break, so badly! I realized I was creating chaos for myself and I was deliberately hurting my own relationship. I sensed that something must be wrong with me. I thought about whether I should seek help. I wondered if this is just the start to a greater mess. What if I ruin everything? What if my husband regrets his decision to be with me, as this is just the beginning of our life together and I am already being so hard to deal with?

In my head, I tried hard to justify myself. I kept failing. In fact, as I was getting back to my senses, I realized how useless the whole event was. Insecurity and anxiety are very common, but what is not common is lashing out, not being able to keep it inside you, to experience an outburst of unhealthy emotions and feeling the need to talk to someone right there to get past it.

As hard as it may be, I have to acknowledge that I am not mentally healthy. I have been reading a lot about it and I am only more sure about my illness. This was not a sole incident. I have experienced a similar situation in the past as well, once with my friend and once with my sister. I know those who love me will always understand me and forgive me, but do they really deserve such behavior from me?

It’s not you, it’s me

But how long can it keep going?

I will seek professional help once I can afford it, but for now, I have to work to control my thoughts and exercise my mind. I am sure I can work on it myself, bit by bit. In comparison to the fictional fears which I let reside in my head, the fears of mental illness taking over me are far more real, genuine and demand my attention at the earliest.

A good start is journaling your emotions — I have tried this in the past but very inconsistently. I have started again. I hope it really works and the next time I get such an anxiety attack, I can realize I am getting one so that I can try to control myself accordingly and seek help if needed. This way, I can be in constant touch with my emotions which will help me look after myself.

I Am Not Well, Mentally was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Creativity

A poem

Continue reading on CRY Magazine »

Lovely

Image by Choat

That’s the way I’m feeling right now. Thanks to self-medicating I’m able to float freely; higher than I’ve ever gone before.

Everything feels so warm and inviting.

Finally, a safe space for me to let go. I feel my eyes roll back as I fall into a deep sleep. I’ve always loved it here, no fears, free from stress and judgement. Just completely out of reach the negative energies of the world. Far from the people who want to cause me harm. I feel most alive when I’m asleep.

As I lay here, appearing to be lifeless in my bed is when I feel most free. Here my possibilities are endless and the world is always in my favour. I feel in control and blissful almost, a feeling I’ve always been a stranger to.

Sometimes I just wish that this was my reality and that the real world was just a nightmare I had to wake up from. I mean I could stay here right? And just not go back. I think it might be time to make this “dreamland reality” a permanent one.

Lovely was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.