Chris Rodell's Blog, page 51
August 30, 2016
Kaepernick, Omaha! & why NFL needs teams to perform national anthem talent shows
(673 words)
My most exasperating gift is an uncanny ability to earn vast sums of money for those who don’t need it while simultaneously earning squat for myself.
Sadly, the most frequent recipient of this mental largess is, alas, the greedmeister billionaires who run the NFL. I’m always coming up with ways to improve our most popular, yet flawed game.
One example they adopted last
My most exasperating gift is an uncanny ability to earn vast sums of money for those who don’t need it while simultaneously earning squat for myself.
Sadly, the most frequent recipient of this mental largess is, alas, the greedmeister billionaires who run the NFL. I’m always coming up with ways to improve our most popular, yet flawed game.
One example they adopted last
August 29, 2016
The giant Trump who ate Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood
(720 words)
Seventy days before election day and Donald Trump is already bringing jobs to western Pennsylvania!
They hired a security dude to make sure nobody vandalizes the 20-foot likeness of him at what is known as the Trump House right here in Youngstown, Pa.
It’s a wee bit late. Somebody last week drilled a BB about a foot from the smiling Trump crotch, what I imagine was the
Seventy days before election day and Donald Trump is already bringing jobs to western Pennsylvania!
They hired a security dude to make sure nobody vandalizes the 20-foot likeness of him at what is known as the Trump House right here in Youngstown, Pa.
It’s a wee bit late. Somebody last week drilled a BB about a foot from the smiling Trump crotch, what I imagine was the
August 27, 2016
The summer I ran away with the carnival (from '13)
(1,058 words)
We were in the midst of the gaudy sensory overload known as the Westmoreland County Fair when my wife surprised me with a career suggestion.
She thinks I should write a book about the summer I ran away with the carnival.
I was surprised for two reasons: One, her career suggestion didn’t involve me giving up writing entirely to become a plumber; and two, I’d never really
We were in the midst of the gaudy sensory overload known as the Westmoreland County Fair when my wife surprised me with a career suggestion.
She thinks I should write a book about the summer I ran away with the carnival.
I was surprised for two reasons: One, her career suggestion didn’t involve me giving up writing entirely to become a plumber; and two, I’d never really
August 26, 2016
Drawing cheer from the pain and suffering of vapid morons (from '14)
(727 words)
I was having a bad day. No one was returning my calls. The previous day’s sales were less than anticipated. Uncharacteristic hopelessness seemed to surround me.
I’m not ashamed of that. It happens.
But I am ashamed of what spurred me to depart my Friday funk.
It wasn’t the encouragement of loved ones. It wasn’t a happy song. It wasn’t prayer.
No, I saw three idiots
I was having a bad day. No one was returning my calls. The previous day’s sales were less than anticipated. Uncharacteristic hopelessness seemed to surround me.
I’m not ashamed of that. It happens.
But I am ashamed of what spurred me to depart my Friday funk.
It wasn’t the encouragement of loved ones. It wasn’t a happy song. It wasn’t prayer.
No, I saw three idiots
August 24, 2016
The white man who broke MLB's color barrier
(565 words)
I’ll be taking our 10-year-old to the 12:30 Pirate game today because it’ll simultaneously allow me to achieve two things foremost to my existence: one, have fun; two, brainwash my offspring into believing the old man was once wise and nimble-minded.
It’s easy for me to do today because I’m a student of the game.
I’ll tell Lucy stories of Pirate greats Roberto Clemente,
I’ll be taking our 10-year-old to the 12:30 Pirate game today because it’ll simultaneously allow me to achieve two things foremost to my existence: one, have fun; two, brainwash my offspring into believing the old man was once wise and nimble-minded.
It’s easy for me to do today because I’m a student of the game.
I’ll tell Lucy stories of Pirate greats Roberto Clemente,
August 23, 2016
Resolving a friend's feelings of failure
(689 words)
It’s not yet become frequent enough to declare it a trend, but a few of my friends are moving home to live with their mamas.
Understand, I’m not friends with any 18 year olds who see extending the summer job at the Pizza Hut as a career killer.
No, my friends are all like me, all gray and grizzled. We’ve spent our lives bouncing between prosperity and destitution. We’ve
It’s not yet become frequent enough to declare it a trend, but a few of my friends are moving home to live with their mamas.
Understand, I’m not friends with any 18 year olds who see extending the summer job at the Pizza Hut as a career killer.
No, my friends are all like me, all gray and grizzled. We’ve spent our lives bouncing between prosperity and destitution. We’ve
August 22, 2016
16 random thoughts on Rio Olympics/Lochte/etc.
• Does winning 51 more Olympic medals than the world’s second winningest nation mean we’ve made America great again?
• When announcers said divers were judged on size of the splash, I told daughters I’d divined a way to become the greatest one-time diver in Olympic history. “Before my dive, I’d ask them to remove all the water from the pool.” Like I said, it’d be a one-time feat.
• I
• When announcers said divers were judged on size of the splash, I told daughters I’d divined a way to become the greatest one-time diver in Olympic history. “Before my dive, I’d ask them to remove all the water from the pool.” Like I said, it’d be a one-time feat.
• I
August 21, 2016
Proper prayer posture (from '12)
I was in the fetal position in bed praying that God doesn’t discount the prayers of guys too lazy to get down on their knees to worship.
I mostly pray in bed with my fingers crossed like they taught in Sunday school. But unlike Sunday school, I’m naked and usually cuddled up against my wife, not at all what they teach in Sunday school, at least in the boring ones I attended.
My most
I mostly pray in bed with my fingers crossed like they taught in Sunday school. But unlike Sunday school, I’m naked and usually cuddled up against my wife, not at all what they teach in Sunday school, at least in the boring ones I attended.
My most
August 19, 2016
Today I tried to break Usain Bolt's record
(718 words)
The Olympics will be more satisfying when each event includes a participating representative from the core viewing demographic.
I came to this conclusion after basking in the greatness of Trayv on Bromell.
Who?
He’s the 21-year-old Waco, Texas, sprinter who finished dead last in the Olympics 100 meter dash. Shameful, right?
Wrong. He was just 0.25 seconds behind
The Olympics will be more satisfying when each event includes a participating representative from the core viewing demographic.
I came to this conclusion after basking in the greatness of Trayv on Bromell.
Who?
He’s the 21-year-old Waco, Texas, sprinter who finished dead last in the Olympics 100 meter dash. Shameful, right?
Wrong. He was just 0.25 seconds behind
August 18, 2016
PA should annex West Virginia: Our visit to Oglebay
(554 words)
I’d checked nearly all the boxes you see in the splashy West Virginia tourist ads.
I’d hiked. I’d bungeed. I’d biked. I’d rafted. I’d scaled. I’d golfed. And I’d zip lined across the leafy Appalachian tree canopies until I thought all my hair was going to fly off.
It was wild. It was wonderful.
And it was as exhausting as it was exhilarating.
So during a summer
I’d checked nearly all the boxes you see in the splashy West Virginia tourist ads.
I’d hiked. I’d bungeed. I’d biked. I’d rafted. I’d scaled. I’d golfed. And I’d zip lined across the leafy Appalachian tree canopies until I thought all my hair was going to fly off.
It was wild. It was wonderful.
And it was as exhausting as it was exhilarating.
So during a summer
