Chris Rodell's Blog, page 49
October 6, 2016
Toothpaste: Our most pleasant poison (from '10)
My wife was furious. The kids wouldn’t take the poison. They cried. They screamed.
“Please! Please, Mommy, don’t make us do it!”
I’d had enough. I dragged them both into the bathroom and roughly put the poison in their mouths.
Then I took them to bed, knelt down and did a soulless auctioneer’s version of the “if I should die before I wake” prayer.
Finally, the house was at
“Please! Please, Mommy, don’t make us do it!”
I’d had enough. I dragged them both into the bathroom and roughly put the poison in their mouths.
Then I took them to bed, knelt down and did a soulless auctioneer’s version of the “if I should die before I wake” prayer.
Finally, the house was at
October 5, 2016
Saying goodbye to Arnold Palmer
(664 words)
Dead 10 days, I guess it’s now a safe bet Arnold Palmer won’t be coming back.
That’s a pity, not to mention a solid argument against cremation.
Historians said George Washington had a morbid fear of being buried alive.
I call it rational.
I can’t tell whether I believe Palmer’s really dead or that a man that magnificent ever really lived.
Attending his memorial
Dead 10 days, I guess it’s now a safe bet Arnold Palmer won’t be coming back.
That’s a pity, not to mention a solid argument against cremation.
Historians said George Washington had a morbid fear of being buried alive.
I call it rational.
I can’t tell whether I believe Palmer’s really dead or that a man that magnificent ever really lived.
Attending his memorial
October 4, 2016
Aiming for good seats at Palmer memorial
(604 words)
My standard admonition that every well-lived life concludes with loved ones bitching about parking difficulties at your funeral is about to undergo a winged revision.
As we’re about to witness, a life truly well-lived involves pilots complaining about difficult-to-obtain landing permission as they circle the skies above the airport named in your honor.
That’s what we’re
My standard admonition that every well-lived life concludes with loved ones bitching about parking difficulties at your funeral is about to undergo a winged revision.
As we’re about to witness, a life truly well-lived involves pilots complaining about difficult-to-obtain landing permission as they circle the skies above the airport named in your honor.
That’s what we’re
October 3, 2016
Results of my first reader survey
(722 words)
The results of my first reader survey are in and they’re spectacular.
This blog is loved by everyone, everywhere!
I say this with the humble understanding that the survey margin of error is plus/minus 100 percent.
So I was pleased when a friend texted me that many of his co-workers tried to goad him into reading my post about the death of Arnold Palmer. This is
The results of my first reader survey are in and they’re spectacular.
This blog is loved by everyone, everywhere!
I say this with the humble understanding that the survey margin of error is plus/minus 100 percent.
So I was pleased when a friend texted me that many of his co-workers tried to goad him into reading my post about the death of Arnold Palmer. This is
September 30, 2016
Tweet come-back month: September's best
I think the reason many writers disparage twitter is because they’re not that good at it. They’re incapable of the little bursts of wit it requires to reliably compose something funny or insightful. Maybe twitter isn’t for people who aspire to compose soaring literature; maybe it’s for people who aspire to compose fortune cookie sayings. Either way, I enjoy it and was bummed the last three
September 29, 2016
Yukkin' it up over laugh track history (from '15)
(647 words)
I plan to spend tomorrow commemorating the 2003 death of Charles Douglass by laughing my merry ass off.
I’ll chortle, giggle, titter, guffaw, hoot, howl, cackle and generally spend the day behaving like I’m being tickled by invisible feathers.
Douglass died 12 years ago tomorrow at the age of 93. If his funeral was a sad one, I think Douglass would have disapproved. His
I plan to spend tomorrow commemorating the 2003 death of Charles Douglass by laughing my merry ass off.
I’ll chortle, giggle, titter, guffaw, hoot, howl, cackle and generally spend the day behaving like I’m being tickled by invisible feathers.
Douglass died 12 years ago tomorrow at the age of 93. If his funeral was a sad one, I think Douglass would have disapproved. His
September 26, 2016
RIP Arnold Palmer: a lucky local says goodbye
(929 words)
Half the fun of watching Arnold Palmer golf was watching him extricate himself from impossible situations.
I don’t think he can club his way out of this one.
Then again he’s only been dead one day.
I’m touched by the number of people who’ve reached out to me over the death of a man I was privileged to call a friend.
They say it’s going to be alright, that time heals
Half the fun of watching Arnold Palmer golf was watching him extricate himself from impossible situations.
I don’t think he can club his way out of this one.
Then again he’s only been dead one day.
I’m touched by the number of people who’ve reached out to me over the death of a man I was privileged to call a friend.
They say it’s going to be alright, that time heals
September 25, 2016
RRS: Dining discounts for device-free families
(663 words)
A growing number of restaurants are giving 5 percent discounts to families who agree to put the damn devices down and engage loved ones during vital meal time.
Their motto: “Disconnect phones, reconnect families.”
I think it’s a great idea. I read about on my phone last week while I was ignoring my family at a local restaurant.
I think it would be fun to exasperate a
A growing number of restaurants are giving 5 percent discounts to families who agree to put the damn devices down and engage loved ones during vital meal time.
Their motto: “Disconnect phones, reconnect families.”
I think it’s a great idea. I read about on my phone last week while I was ignoring my family at a local restaurant.
I think it would be fun to exasperate a
September 23, 2016
Charlotte: Skin-coloring pills will solve America's racial problems
(650 words)
I predict within five years our socially-conscious pharmaceutical manufacturers will develop a pill that will for weeks at a time alter our skin pigments. The pill will act like hair dye, but for the whole epidermis.
Trendy kids will pick vivid blues, fiery reds and canary yellows.
I’d like to see as part of their training our white police officers be given ones that let
I predict within five years our socially-conscious pharmaceutical manufacturers will develop a pill that will for weeks at a time alter our skin pigments. The pill will act like hair dye, but for the whole epidermis.
Trendy kids will pick vivid blues, fiery reds and canary yellows.
I’d like to see as part of their training our white police officers be given ones that let
September 19, 2016
Soulful encounters while waiting for gyros
(740 words)
Saturday morning I had one of those moments so sweetly humane you later sit back and think, man, I just hope God was watching.
Even if He was not, a lot of people at the Ligonier Farmer’s Market were. I’d gone there jonesin’ for gyro.
So were about six other people. The long, slow-moving line had me feeling crabby and I began making petty judgements about those who were
Saturday morning I had one of those moments so sweetly humane you later sit back and think, man, I just hope God was watching.
Even if He was not, a lot of people at the Ligonier Farmer’s Market were. I’d gone there jonesin’ for gyro.
So were about six other people. The long, slow-moving line had me feeling crabby and I began making petty judgements about those who were
