K.J. Masters's Blog

Leaving is NOT an Option - Domestic Violence (Part Two)

I am a Domestic Violence Victim. Or am I a Domestic Violence Survivor? They label us as BOTH, but they are really the same.  

WE ARE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIMS WHO HAVE SURVIVED.  

My ex-boyfriend physically, verbally, emotionally, mentally and spiritually abused me.
 
Not only is it hard for me to talk about, but then the justice system TOTALLY let me down.
 
Surprise, surprise!
 
I cannot tell you how many “prosecutors” told me I didn’t have a case. When I questioned it ...  “What do you mean? There are pictures the police took of my face and my body. How could I not have a case?” … they pretty much said the said thing, “Our justice system is screwed up and because of that he’s going to get off.” And he did.

I’m just ANOTHER woman who has been beaten by a man. That’s it! End of story. I didn’t die, so it’s okay. He didn’t kill me, so it’s all good.  

Just. Move. On.
 
I’m going to start it off like this:

After I FINALLY filed charges on my abuser, I had a detective call me and tell me that he would/could face prison time and lose his job, because it was his SECOND Domestic Violence charge, so that made it a third degree felony. I immediately stepped back, just like soooo many victims do. Prison time? Lose his job? I don’t want to ruin the guy’s life.  

(REALLY? The way he ruined mine?)  

Our thinking becomes so distorted after enduring such evilness.

I told the detective to drop the charges, because I didn’t want to be responsible for sending someone to prison.  

IMMEDIATELY, my friends and family stepped in. “You didn’t ruin his life. He ruined it on his own by his choices. Don’t take responsibility for his punishment when he’s the one who caused it by his own hands. He could have changed at some point in his life, but chose not to. He’s evil.”  

I thought about this long and hard and I understood their point, but it wasn’t until I spoke to my counselor a few days later that I decided to go ahead with the charges.  

And here’s why.
 
LADIES, listen up!!!!!
 
My counselor was in an abusive relationship with a man and she finally left him. She filed charges against him, but then dropped them. I’m guessing for the same reason we all do. She didn’t want to go through another battle, she wanted it to just be over. Be done with it and move on.  

Well, six months later she got a call from the police and they informed her that her ex-boyfriend she didn’t file charges against had killed his current girlfriend. She had two small children and it was her parents who had to make the decision to take her off life support.
 
My counselor, who is a very beautiful, sweet soul, has to live with that decision for the rest of her life.

She asked me point blank, “Can you live with this? Because I don’t think you can. No one can.”
 
I reinstated the charges at that point and felt good about it. We, THE VICTIMS, THE SURVIVORS, did NOT do this to ourselves. We are VICTIMS of abusive, evil men who lurk and watch and prey on innocent women. Women they consider to be weak. I admit, I’d been through a lot of life tragedies when I met my ex-boyfriend. He knew I was extremely vulnerable at that point in my life, so I was the PERFECT PREY for him. The ideal victim.  

I don’t want to get into a lot of detail or drag this out. So I’m just going to list SOME of the abuse I went through and then I will post pictures.
   
My ex-boyfriend:

Cheated on me repeatedly throughout the relationship.Was seeing escorts/prostitutes.Was a raging alcoholic.Threw my cat across the yard when she was in her kennel, twice, injuring her.Put all my car windows down during a storm and soaked the inside of my interior.Ripped the gas cap cover off my car. Vandalized my car on several occasions.Broke my $1,500 laptop I needed for my new job.Ripped up a bunch of my clothing on numerous occasions.Broke the majority of my makeup, repeatedly.Stole my notebook I had my counseling notes written in.Tried to get me fired from my job by contacting the CEO of my company and telling lies about me.Turned the electricity off in the house so I would be in the dark all night.Punched holes in walls.Broke doors down when I would lock myself in a room to get away from him.Dumped the food I would cook down the sink.Purposely turned the water off and on in the kitchen while I was in the shower, so I couldn’t take a comfortable shower.Would turn the AC off (remember, this is Texas) and remove the thermostat off the wall.Would turn the thermostat up or down so it would be either too cold or too hot.Would open up the doors and windows so my cat would run away.Constantly bashing my head into walls or punching me in the head.Shoved cigarettes into my mouth.Flipped me backwards in chairs numerous times.  Dragged me off the bed by my ankles on numerous occasions.Threw me into a pile of broken glass repeatedly, causing a deep wound on my foot and did not offer to take me to the hospital or pay the doctor’s bill. I had major nerve damage.  Head-butted me on numerous occasions.Threw me into the fireplace causing severe injuries to my face. Again, refused to help me get medical attention.Hitting me, shoving me down to the ground repeatedly, kicking me, grabbing me by my hair. Bruises all over my body and face on a consistent basis to where I wasn't able to go out or to work until they healed.Locking me out on the back patio all night for six hours in the cold. I was wearing only a t-shirt.Forcibly kept me in the house by blocking me every time I tried to leave.Hit me in the head with my car keys.Hit me in the head with a beer can.I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here. You can see what a monster he is.

He also committed horrible and unthinkable acts against other women.

Not only did he beat his past girlfriends, but he verbally and emotionally abused them as well. And then he violated some of the women he dated by taking naked pictures of them while they were passed out in his bed and did the UNTHINKABLE!!! He sent these pictures to his friends. If I wouldn’t have found the proof of this on his phone, these women would have never known.

And I’m sure there have been numerous women he's violated in this manner over many years.

He is a CRIMINAL and no one is stopping him. He continues this behavior, because he gets away with it and always has.
 
Apparently, the justice system thinks he’s fit to be living among the rest of us. In other words, they don’t care about the despicable crimes he’s committing against women. But now it’s on their heads. I did my duty by turning him in to the police and pressing charges. There’s nothing more I can do. I hold the prosecutor personally responsible for the acts of violence he will commit in the future. Criminals with a track record like his don’t just stop committing crimes one day. That’s why his record goes back longer than a decade.
 
I wish I could warn every woman who innocently steps in his path, but it’s out of my control. 
Luckily, some have looked up his criminal record online through the Bexar County Court Records website and have found the Protective Order I placed against him, plus the felony charges that were filed, and have contacted me asking questions about what happened.
So, I have been able to save a few of them from his animalistic behavior, and I thank God for this!  

I’m posting a few pictures, mainly because I feel it’s my duty. Every time I come across women who post pictures of what their abusers have done to them, I always feel like it’s the bravest and most courageous thing they’ve done, besides ESCAPING!





*This is Part Two of a blog series I’m working on.  

Part Three “Narcissistic/Psychopathic Abuse” will go into detail about dangerous and toxic people and the devastating effects they have on others.

**If you are being abused, please seek help immediately.
Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233)  

Leaving is Not an Option

"Leaving is NOT an option." 

These are the words my ex-boyfriend repeated to me from the very beginning of our relationship.

He was on a mission from the very start to instill in me and program me to think in a way where even my friends and family would not be able to coax me away from him once his mask would crack. And he was experienced to know, no matter how HARD he would try, his mask would eventually crack, because it always did.

 Mental and emotional issues can never be hidden more than a few months. The truth always comes out. I should have seen the red flags then, but never being exposed to someone as conniving and sneaky as him, I was an innocent pawn in his games of lies and deceit. I never stood a chance.  

After only a few weeks together, one of his ex-girlfriends hit me up on Facebook and told me he had cheated on her with me. About a week later, another ex-girlfriend of his messaged me on Facebook and told me the same thing. Then a few months later, another ex-girlfriend told
one of my friends that he had cheated on her with me.  

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!  

So, why did I stay?

I’m sure you’re asking yourself this question.

Here’s the short answer and then I’ll get into the details.

My ex is a psychopath!

What does that mean? Well, there’s a lot of buzz going around about narcissists these days. Scroll any social media site and you will come across numerous posts about the severe damage a narcissist can do to another person. What’s the difference between a narcissist and a psychopath? Just add VIOLENCE! Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths are very much the same. Calculated, manipulative and controlling. BUT … the psychopath has a much more destructive and dangerous element to him because he is also VIOLENT!  





I’m going to touch on some of the things he did to me psychologically before I reveal the physical abuse, because psychopaths inflict the psychological abuse FIRST in order to keep you “trapped” and “brainwashed” so you don’t leave once they start the physical abuse.  

Remember, “Leaving is not an option!” He also grilled it into my head that only weak people give up on relationships. He would tell me how he was always the “hero” and “winner” of all his relationships because he was the only one strong enough to “not give up.”  

“I always stay longer than I should, but when I’m done, I’m done.” He must have repeated those words to me over a hundred times in the year we were together. Of course, in the beginning, I had no idea what kind of sick, manipulative meaning those words really had. He was trying to paint a pretty picture of himself in an attempt to conceal the “BEAST” lurking inside.  

Brainwashing statement: “I always stay longer than I should, but when I’m done, I’m done.”

True meaning: "I attempt to control and manipulate you until I can no longer keep my mask from cracking. I push you to the limits of insanity, and then, when I have completely destroyed our relationship, I have to check-out because it no longer serves me.  You hate me now and I can no longer receive from you what I need, which is attention. Once that’s done … I’m done!"  





I learned all this the hard way. I had to endure so much abuse before I realized what was happening to me. What he was doing to me. Don’t ever think you can outsmart, or out-do, a narcissist, because you CAN NOT!!!! Trust me! They are way too evil for the average, ordinary person. They are evilly skilled beyond anything your innocent, ordinary mind can imagine.

My ex-boyfriend knows from the beginning that he has to program women in order for them to stay with him for any significant amount of time. Otherwise, they wouldn’t want him. He’s got it down. All narcissists/psychopaths do.

They are MASTER MANIPULATORS! You’re no match for them.  

Things I learned about narcistic behavior from my sick ex:

Things he falsely accused me of were accurate descriptions of himself.

He would push me to the breaking point with relentless emotional and physical abuse until I would snap and then he’d delight in the fact that my reaction to such toxicity was “unhinged” and he’d make himself look like the victim in order to justify his despicable behavior.

He’d immediately pick up the phone and call his mommy, or his friends, and describe my “reaction” to his abuse, instead of what he’d done to me to make me react the way that I did. All the while making himself out as the victim.  

LADIES …. This is the WEAKEST man out there! Men don’t come WEAKER than this COWARD!  






Women want a strong man . Why? Because we are STRONG!

So to be with such a weak coward is humiliating.  

Narcissists/psychopaths do NOT pick women who are losers. They target the best of the best. The strongest. The smartest. The most capable. The ones who surpass their own level. So keep this in mind. You’re better than they are. You’re smarter than they are. You’re more capable than they are. You’re a survivor, and they know it. They need you!!!! NOT the other way around!  
 
Phase One of a Narcissit/Psychopath: Charming beyond belief. Working hard to convince you that you each have everything in common. This is the stage where they start to program you.

Phase Two: Their mask starts to crack a bit, and there’s nothing they can do about it. They have no control over their instantaneous behavior so they have to start blaming the victims for the toxicity in the relationship. If not, they’ll be found out.  

Phase three: They have completely destroyed the relationship beyond repair. Now, total blame has to go to the victim, so they shut up! That’s right. They create the toxicity and fights, chaos and drama in the relationship until it’s completely destroyed. Then they go silent. They give the silent treatment knowing it will drive their victim mad. That way they can push all the blame onto the victim.  

They’ll say, “I just sat there not talking. I didn’t say a thing. You were the one going crazy and yelling at me. I was just sitting there quiet letting you be crazy, hoping you would stop. Didn’t you see me not participating? I was trying to make peace by not engaging.”  

This is another calculated move!!! 





Once the relationship gets to this destructive point, the narc/psycho pretends to “back down” and puts himself into the victim role, because he now knows he’s destroyed, not only the relationship, but YOU! Yes, he’s very much aware at this point that he’s destroyed YOU as a person, friend, lover.  

I’ll never forget one night when I overheard him talking on the phone to his mother (who is the person he ran to constantly. Why? Because men like this are WEAK. They cling to anyone, ANYONE, who will be on their side) and I heard his mother say, “I don’t know what you’ve done to her, but you need to get your s*it together and start over.”  
I was floored!!!
 
First of all, that comment revealed she was very much aware of his abuse to other women, yet didn’t care.

Secondly, she was advising him to “throw away the women you’ve damaged, because it’s beyond repair now and move on to a new victim.”

SICK! 





See the game yet?

Only an extremely TOXIC person could even think this way. Normal people can’t even fathom this type of thinking, or reality, and that’s why we’re no match for them.

We can’t beat them because we are nowhere near as sick as them.
 
Accept that the narcissist/psychopath will win, because you really don’t have a choice. REJOICE that they got the victory. That sounds crazy, right? Here’s why you need to rejoice. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re NORMAL!

It means they're evil and you’re NOT.

It means they are PREDATORS and you are INNOCENT.

They win because they use evil to cheat.  

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5: 3-5.

Be proud you didn’t need to lie, deceive, slander or cheat your way to victory. Because in the end, it NEVER matters what man believes. It ONLY matters what GOD believes. And trust me, GOD knows the TRUTH and will judge and punish according to the FACTS!  

God has seen every evil thought my ex-boyfriend has had toward me and every other woman. God has seen his sick and abusive behavior. He aims to destroy others and is VERY good at it. God knows his EVIL HEART and already has a plan set up to stop him!  

Keep this in mind (and run as fast as you can and as far away as you can): Someone who uses your anger against you when your anger is a justified reaction due to their abusive behavior is an evil, manipulative, sneaky, controlling man who is ABUSING YOU!!!!  

Get help immediately!  

And never forget:
The fact you stayed loyal to the truth shows how much STRONGER YOU ARE than your abuser could ever hope to be!  

YOU WIN!!!!!   
 





*This is Part One of a blog series I’m working on.  

Part Two “Domestic Violence” will discuss physical abuse and I will post pictures and details of my court case with my abuser.  

**If you are being abused, please seek help immediately.
Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233)  

Do I Stay or Do I run? Focusing on the Positive When Life is Full of Negatives

When everything is going wrong in my life, the last thing I want to hear someone say is “Just don’t think about it. Focus on the good things in your life.” This makes me want to punch them in the mouth! I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Everything is crashing down around me, and I’m supposed to ignore it and just “focus on the good things?” This statement could possibly make me homicidal.

That being said, I see the truth in it. The truth being that Scripture instructs us to do exactly that: to focus on the positive things in our lives.

The apostle Paul’s letter to the Philippians speaks about joy in every chapter. In fact, it was the most positive of all his letters, yet it was written while he was imprisoned and he knew the end was near. IMPRISONED, people!

I might be overwhelmed in guilt right now. How dare I piss and moan about my struggles in life while Paul practices positivity and joyfulness knowing his execution isn’t far off. I’m despicable!

“… whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things,” Paul writes while chained to a Roman guard. (Phil. 4:8)

In other words, keep your mind off the execution that is sure to come and instead think on lovely thoughts. Somebody, slap me!





I want to talk about dwelling on the past and I want to do it as succinct as possible, because I could really go on and on about this … for days, even. I become obsessed that way.  
 
Okay, lets get started. There are two mistakes we make when it comes to the past. The first is getting caught up in it and not being able to let go. The second is running from it without ever having dealt with it. I fall into the latter category.

I’m a runner! What I don’t face, I don’t feel. I have the miraculous ability to get over a situation (even a tragedy) in a mere few days, or a couple of weeks, because I immediately MOVE ON. The problem is, I move on without ever dealing with it. This could cause it to resurface later in life and maybe even cause irreparable damage, especially in relationships.

I never got to fully grieve after my dad passed away, because three months later my husband had an affair and I had to deal with that instead. I remember speaking on the phone with a friend, informing him about the decisions I was having to make for my future. “I have a new life with new adventures awaiting me” I explained. He said, “Uh, hon, I think you may have skipped over a few steps of the grieving process. You seem to have gone from step one to step five.”

I thought it over for a minute and then decided: No, I’m good!

No, I wasn’t. I was running from tragedy and continued to run until just recently. I justified this behavior by telling myself the only other option I had was to let what happened to me consume me. But that’s not true. There is a happy medium. We can face our mistakes, troubles, and problems in life without allowing them to overcome us.



Paul had the right idea. Accept what’s happening, but look forward. Deal with what’s going on around you, but move onward. Don’t stop, but don’t run.

Don’t linger in your suffering, but don’t rush through it to where it never gets processed.
You can still be joyful even when life is throwing you one curve ball after another. I saw this quote by Dale Carnegie the other day: “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage.”



ACTION is what will get you from dreaming of freedom to walking in freedom. There will always be mistakes and failures in life. But think about this: Without a FAILURE there can be no VICTORY. So don’t be discouraged over your past.

If you need hope, look to God. He is HOPE! God will use what happened TO you FOR you! He will cause a shift so that it will work for your benefit. He will use it to strengthen you and bring you into your purpose. Blessings WILL come out of it.





What has helped me in my healing process:

Acceptance – Accept what has happened to you knowing it is out of your power to change it. You have no choice but to move on, so you might as well do it “joyfully,” as Paul instructs.
 
Control – You may not have control over a situation, but God does. Go to Him in prayer and ask Him to help you. God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. (Psalm 147:2)

Moving On – There will always be BETTER things/times ahead. I’ve learned what bothers me today I won’t even care about in a few days, or a few weeks, from now. When I think about that, I feel a relief come over me and I remind myself this place of darkness is TEMPORARY!

God Makes a Way – God will make a way for you, even through the wilderness, but He requires that you NEVER GIVE UP. Nothing is impossible no matter how impossible it may seem. That’s because “All things are possible with God,” said Jesus! (Matt. 19:26) God is omnipotent. We never have to give up, because God has already made a way for us.
 
Sharing – Share your messy life with others. Your mess becomes your MESSAGE, which God wants you to use to help others who are going through the same thing. I’m shocked at all the messages I’ve received over the past year-and-a-half from other people who have gone through heartache, especially since I was never public about my divorce or what happened. I kept it private. Some of these women I don’t even know well. They follow me on social media and were able to put two-and-two together and wanted to know how this crazy broad has gotten through it and is living a happy and prosperous life.

Ha! There’s the delusion of social media. Playing tricks on your eyes and plucking at your heartstrings. My life is not always happy and it’s not always prosperous. It’s been a struggle, to say the least, but I stay hopeful because I know God is making a way! There’s still good days and bad days, but life marches on.







If there is ANYONE who wants to unload, ask questions, or just share what’s happened to them, you can message me anytime. I would be more than happy to talk with you. In fact, I look forward to it and welcome it with every ounce of my being.  

I’m going to leave you with two things I want you to practice on a daily basis:
Don’t worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Tell God what it is you need and thank Him for all He has done. (Phil. 4:6) This causes miracles to happen.Worship, worship, worship! The best antidote for worry is WORSHIP.   



With love,
Your sister in Christ
XOXO

How Divorce Has Changed Me

I don’t know if you all watch The Bachelorette (I usually DON’T, but somehow got reeled in this season … my bad!), but this go around with Hannah was quite a shocker! She allowed Luke P. to stick around WAAAYY too long, then sent home two really great guys, just to end up with a cheat!! This might be the story of my life (eye roll). And after all that drama and heartache, Hannah didn’t regret a thing because of the way this experience has CHANGED her. It made her a stronger and more confident person. She loves who she is now because of it.

She kind of reminds me of myself in that I always seem to pick the WRONG guys while allowing the RIGHT guys to slip through my fingers. Also, like her, I have emerged from my break-up a much different person. I’m definitely not the same woman I was going in as coming out.

I’m stronger, wiser, more confident, and bolder than ever before in all areas of my life. I truly know what I want and I’m not willing to settle for less. I saw a quote from Keanu Reeves the other day that really hit home with me. In fact, I posted it on my Facebook timeline. It reads “At this point in my life, I catch one wrong vibe … I’m out!”





Since I’ve been single again, I can honestly say I WATCH EVERYTHING the other person is doing. If I have an interest in a man, I really dig deep to find out his motives. What’s his track record with other women? How does he treat people? What does he want out of life?

How about his moral character?! For me, character is most important. Psychologist Lawrence Pervin defines moral character as “a disposition to express behavior in consistent patterns of functions across a range of situations.”

If a guy is sleeping with his ex-girlfriend’s friend just for a roll in the sack every now and then, he’s not for me. If he’s using his large salary to try and impress me or gain my interest, he’s not for me. If he’s married or committed to another woman … guess what? … he’s not for me! (That last one should be a given, but you’d be surprised, or not.)

One guy who was interested in taking me out had the audacity to tell me “You’re too picky” when I wasn’t interested in him. You’re damn straight I am! Sorry, not sorry! I have the right to be picky. I’ve earned it!



In fact, the dictionary defines wisdom as:
the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being wise.the soundness of an action or decision with regard to the application of experience, knowledge, and good judgment.  Oh, my goodness! Does that read “good judgement?” That may be something some men don’t want us to partake in.

Anyone who tries to convince you that you’re too picky is someone who knows they can’t live up to your expectations, so they want to guilt you into lowering them.

There are a set of standards I hold a man to, because I’m at a point in my life where I don’t have the time or the patience for anything less than what I deserve in a partner. I’m no longer willing to settle for someone who has potential. Either they’re grown up, or they’re not. It’s that simple. It’s not my job, or yours, to “fix” a man.

I love this quote by Julia Roberts: “Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him, or raise him. You want a partner, not a project.”






Most of you know I’m from Texas, but I was married and living in a different state for over ten years. After coming back to San Antonio as a single woman, the men were plentiful (wink!). My phone was bombarded with calls, texts, and messages all hours of the day and night. Although the opportunity was certainly there, I have NOT dated a single guy. Why? Because I haven’t found the right one and I refuse to settle for anything less.

Recently, I heard the Lord speak to me. He revealed that I would not have to chase the right man. He told me I’ll know who he is because “the right one will be the one to pursue you. You’ll never have to chase after My blessings for your life.”

At the time, there was someone I was very interested in and I was pursuing him, but once the Lord revealed this to me, I held back and this guy did not pursue me the way the Lord had said he should. So I moved on.

If you have to chase someone then they don’t want to be with you. Use this time, instead, to chase personal growth, find out who you are and what you want, not only in a partner, but in life itself.






Like Hannah, I’m not in a place where I need a man, but I want a man, eventually. There’s a big difference. But for now, I’m good on my own. I’m rediscovering ME and for the first time in eleven years, I have the freedom to do ANYTHING in life. I can go ANYWHERE and do whatever I want and that feels GREAT!  

It’s a freedom I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before. I have the opportunity to live for ME for the first time in my life and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

IF the RIGHT man comes along during my journey, and pursues me the way God told me he should (and I do have details), I will definitely take note and see where it leads. But until then, I’m living for ME with my focus on God’s purpose for my life and where He’s leading me.

I guess you could say the ONLY love in my life is Jesus, and I am soooo good with that!!!

If you’re going through a difficult breakup, or have been through one recently, decide to sit back and have peace, living for today and enjoying the journey God has you on right now!
There are times in life when God wants you all to Himself. He wants to shut down the distraction and clutter relationships can cause, because He’s not finished working in you yet!

Picking up the Pieces When Life happens

I’m just going to cut to
the nitty-gritty, because we as a society today don’t have the patience (or the
stomach) for fluff. In fact, the only fluff I can stomach these days is the
kind that comes on dessert.

So, here’s the dirty
truth! Grab a drink (or a shot, depending on how your day has gone), pull up a
chair and get ready to be entertained!

 

Here’s what broke me:

My dad died
unexpectantly. A month later a close relative was diagnosed with cancer. A
month after that my husband decided to have an affair with a hideously ugly
woman. Two months later, I left everything I owned and drove to Florida to be
with an ex-boyfriend. (Let me pause for a moment, when God closes a door, peeps,
do not, I repeat, DO NOT reopen it! He closed it for a reason. On the other
side exists HELL!) I was like a machine pumping out one bad decision after
another. I was unstoppable. Somebody needed to pull the plug and save me from
myself!

Feeling trapped and far
from home (oops, wait a minute, I didn’t have a home), and still dealing with
my divorce, I picked up the millions of broken pieces that was my life, and,
begrudgingly, moved back to my hometown of San Antonio. (Not without stopping
in New Orleans first for a drink and some Cajun eats. What can I say, even in
my darkest moments NOLA was calling out to me, enticing me with its voodoo!)  

I was a MESS!

I was a BASKETCASE! 

I was back in San
Antonio! 

Surrounded by friends and family (of whom I desperately needed from the start, but couldn't see the light because of the dark. Oh God, I think I just rhymed), I was going through the healing process. The long arduous task of picking myself up and finding ME again.

Yeah, my life sucked and I was on a quest to make it un-suck!

 

Questions I asked myself:

Who the hell am I?

How did I get here?

Where the hell am I going?

And who do I want to be?

 

I've got this ONE life. There's no escaping it. There's no escaping myself, although God knows I've tried. Some of my prayers sounded like this: God, save me from myself. Remove me from my body and my life and insert me into someone else's. Not just anyone's ol' life, Lord. Someone prettier, stronger, more successful, good taste in clothes and makeup … and skinnier with a high metabolism … skinnier is always good.

 

When it dawned on me God was not going to grant me this wish, I knew I'd have to fight where I was and make the most of what I had. 

The first thing I did was go to work on my body. Isn’t that what we all do, ladies? I’m gonna get me a REVENGE body! How ya like me now? BAM!

 

I chose the
hardest workout routine I could find (I’m very pleased with my results, by the
way) and started taking a bunch of supplements and vitamins in order to regain
my health and strength.

 

I also went to work on my
brain! Church, Bible studies and devotionals out the yin-yang. Physical health
is a necessity, but mental and emotional health come first. If your brain isn’t
healthy, your body will be sick. Put that revenge body on hold, if you must,
while you power-up your brain. Your thoughts have got to be in line with God’s
Word or there’s no substance to hold it all together. Faith is KEY!

 

I was powering through. My friends and family were amazed and filled my ego with such words as these: Wow! You’re a strong woman! You really know how
to bounce back! Look at her go! She doesn’t need a thing! She can do it all on
her own! 

 

Shortly thereafter, the
high wore off and I stumbled a bit, tripped over myself and landed flat on my
arse. Except this time I didn’t want to get up. My pep talks went from “I can
do all things through Christ who strengthens me” to “Screw it, the view’s not
so bad from down here. I kinda like lying in the dirt, picking the bugs from my
hair.”

After wallowing in my
sorrow a bit more, my innermost voice spoke up and yelled “GET UP!” This voice
was no joke. It actually startled me a bit because I knew it was coming from
the heavens. God was done foolin’ around with me. He’d had enough of my
indecision, my ups and downs and my inexplicable ability to be the queen of
excuses. 

Sooo, I got up and
started over … again!

Joking aside, God placed me in a period of REST and it wasn’t over until He told me it was over. Every attempt I made to move forward, He blocked me. Now I’m not sure if that’s because I had a talent for bad decision making at this point in my life, or if it’s because He wanted me to stay in the Secret Place under His wings a little longer. But I do know what God says is LAW. You can fight it all you want, but you will lose! I lost! But when He came to me one ordinary Saturday morning and said “Do this.” I moved quickly.  

Sometimes I wonder how I’ve gotten
through all this with my sense of humor intact. Honestly, I’ve never considered
myself a funny person … because I’m not. In fact, I’m too damn serious in life.
To tell you the truth, I wish I’d lighten up a bit, gheez! Life would be a
freakin’ bowl of cherries if I’d just be patient enough to chew and spit! The
theatrical aspects of my life are not the result of my sharp wit and vivacity,
but more of my satirical comedy that kind of just spills out of me naturally
and uncontrollably. 

 

I didn’t gain the nickname Goldie
Hawn by accident. But the difference between her and me is that she’s acting
and I’m not. I’m not sure if I should have admitted to that. I’m a goofball and
I thank God every day for that. Sometimes laughing at myself is what gets me
through the tough times in life. 

So as I bring this jumbled mess (which is my brain
functioning at optimum level) to a close, I want to leave you with one final
thought to ponder. Not that I’m crazy, we’ve already established that, but that
PAIN causes GROWTH! I’m not the same person coming out of this mess who went
in. I am changed. I am stronger. I am better. I am wiser. And I’ve learned
there’s nothing I can’t do or can’t survive. God is my strength and through
CONSTANT prayer He’s leading me down the path He’s chosen for me. 

 

I would also like to
leave you with this thought. This is for the single men who happen to read my
blog: 

 

I’m available. Did I mention
that? Well, it’s quite obvious by now, I suppose. Although, I don’t hold out
much hope of obtaining a date after publishing this blog. Jaded, I am not.
Determined, I am! And I know somewhere out there is a man who could appreciate
a little Goldie Hawn in his life. Who doesn’t appreciate a wild ride once in a
while? A loose canon to liven things up a bit? A sweet, but psycho chick who
can release you from the mundanity and boredom life can sometimes be?  

 

Call me if you’re
interested!        

PS. My revenge body is
coming along nicely! (Wink!)

What God Showed Me About Grief

​Most of you know my dad went to be with the Lord recently. Actually, today makes twenty days. I’m not myself. Sometimes I believe I’ll never be myself again, but I find hope in the words of my dear friends who have lost a parent: Time heals all wounds.



Even though their words help keep me going, it’s in the Lord in which I find TRUE comfort.

I’ve learned something detrimental from God during this time. I say “detrimental” because I know in my heart I can’t live (wouldn’t want to live) without all He has given me. It’s the same thing He has given YOU! In fact, it’s something He has given all His God-fearing children! None of us are void of His comfort, we just have to understand how to tap into it, and that’s through FAITH!  

 

The day my dad died is the same day God left my presence. This isn’t really accurate, but just bear with me. You see, I can feel the Lord’s presence in my life every day. From the moment I wake up and say my morning prayer, to the time I doze off during my nightly prayer, I can feel God’s presence. He’s ALWAYS with me, and I’m aware of this fact. But when my dad passed away, I could no longer feel the Lord’s presence. It was as if He’d left me.



I was greatly disturbed by this, to say the least, and I was also confused. In all my days, if there was ever a time I needed God the most, it was now; during the worst time of my life. So, where was He?



I cried out to Him asking exactly that: Where are you God? Where did you go? How come I can no longer feel you around me? Why would You leave me during a time like this?  I cried out to Him for three days, but got no answer.



It was then that I came to my senses. I pushed my FEELINGS aside, and, instead, I rooted myself in His Word, which tells me “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).



I reminded myself of what I know as TRUTH! Hebrews 4:12 tells us “For the Word of God is alive and powerful.” God’s Word is living, it’s power, and it’s truth! Because of this, no matter how I may FEEL at any given time, the truth is in the Word, and the Word tells me God is close to the brokenhearted, which meant God was close to me regardless of how I felt at the time.



It was then that I told the Lord I would quit asking Him where He was because I knew He was with me! I stood on God’s Word in faith, even though what I felt was in contradiction.

​   

Three days later, God revealed something to me I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. He showed me a vision of myself standing near a very large shade tree. The sun was shining down full force, but the large tree, with it’s many branches and leaves, blocked the sunrays from hitting me. I was completely covered in the shade from this tree.

​

Then the Lord spoke, “This is you, this tree represents your grief, and I am the sun. Because your grief is so big, so deep, and so full, you can’t feel my warmth. Your grief has become a barrier.”



I immediately understood, and I could see it, too. My grief was so heavy, I couldn’t feel God’s presence, even though He was right there next to me. I didn’t question Him anymore. I just, once again, accepted the fact that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” Psalm 147:3.



“Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9.



Now, God is not saying that we shouldn’t grieve. Grieving is one of the human emotions He’s given us. We're supposed to grieve. What He’s saying is that sometimes in life we can get so wrapped up in our emotions that it’s difficult to feel His presence, even when He’s right here with us, helping us through every trial (Isaiah 41:13).



This reminds me of Footprints in the Sand:



“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You'd walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”



He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you.”



I only saw one set of footprints, but the truth is … there will never, ever be a time when God turns His back on us. His Word is alive, it’s powerful, and it’s REAL!



Stand on it in faith!

Is the Book Really Better than the Movie?

Several years ago, I had a debate with a friend about whether books are better than movies. He strongly held the position that no book could be better than a movie. This left me curious, because most readers claim the book is always better, and I concur. I immediately became suspicious he’d never read a book-turned-movie before, and guess what? I was right. So how could he possibly make such a statement without actually knowing for sure? His reasoning? He couldn’t imagine how a book could ever be better than a multi-million-dollar production. It almost sounds as if he has a strong argument … but that’s only if you’ve never read a novel that's hit the big screen before.

So, what makes the book better?

With a book, you are able to crawl into the character’s head and get inside his (or her) thoughts. The character’s emotions become your own. There’s so much more detail and meaning to every scene. Add in your own imagination and you’re pretty much seeing what you want while living inside their head, experiencing their lives, passions, and desires right along with them.   

With a movie, the scenes are much quicker, losing a lot of details, resulting in a loss of emotion. The viewer isn’t really sure what’s going on in the character’s head because he’s not a part of their thoughts. A movie may have the power of visual stimulation and effects, but it’s limited when it comes to painting a picture using descriptive dialogue. In other words, thoughts and emotions get lost in the translation.

Additionally, movies don’t leave much room for the viewer’s imagination. The audience is limited to observing the characters and settings through the eyes of the filmmaker. The reader is never limited by Hollywood glam. A character or scene can be everything the reader wants it to be. Scenes in the movie version are too restricting because they don’t allow for imagination. Leaving the scenes and imagery in a book to the imagination of the reader is what makes a book such an exciting event.

Because a book takes hours, to days, to weeks to read (depending on how long one stretches it out), it tends to stay with the reader a lot longer. It becomes a part of the reader’s life during that time, and if it’s a good enough novel, even long after the reader has finished it. A movie is only a mere one to three hours long. Once it’s over, the viewer has moved on.

​Returning to my debate with my movie-watching friend, he was disqualified. Why? Because he was debating on a subject he knew very little about. He couldn’t very well give an honest opinion about something he’d never experienced. I informed him he needed to read the book before seeing the movie and then we could resume our debate.

I’m still waiting for that day!    

What Happened to My Life When I Quit Drinking

​​Over the years, I've read articles written by people who have quit drinking for a whole thirty days. (THIRTY DAYS?) They want to tell us how it affected them, and what differences they noticed.



The articles pretty much mimic each other: I felt better because I didn’t have a hangover. I had more energy because I didn’t have a hangover. I got more done because I didn’t have a hangover. I saved money because I wasn’t spending it on alcohol. I felt healthier because I wasn’t killing my body with drink.

​These are pretty typical results for anyone who quits a bad habit. They’re not really life-changing because thirty days isn’t enough time to transform a person’s life. If you drink, and you really want to know what will happen to your life if you stop … then STOP!

I don’t mean take a thirty-day break. I mean really quit drinking and see what happens.

I clearly remember what prompted Toby and I to stop drinking. We didn’t like what it was doing to our lives. We wanted to be true servants of Christ and knew that as long as alcohol was a part of our lives, we’d never be who God created us to be. We chose God over alcohol and our lives changed drastically!!!

What happened in the first thirty days of sobriety? NOTHING! Oh, wait! We weren’t hungover anymore! That’s it. Now ask me what has happened over the last eight years (that’s how long it’s been since we’ve had a drink). We have new lives, new passions, new goals, new purposes. We can easily say we have completely transformed our lives.

We’ve reached new heights we never imagined, craved after, or even thought about before. We became more ambitious. We quit giving up on things that seemed “too hard to achieve.” We started believing in ourselves more. We picked up new hobbies; things we didn’t even know we were interested in when we were drinkers, because we were too busy drinking every weekend.

Here are some of the things we’ve done over the past eight years. We both went back to school and got our bachelor’s degrees (at the same time). Toby became more ambitious in his career, which led to numerous promotions. His salary has more than tripled! He is about to complete his master’s degree. He’s an avid reader now and has studied theology in his spare time over the last eight years. You may be thinking, Big deal! He read some books. When I met Toby, he had absolutely no interest in reading anything … ever! He was completely satisfied with his life where it was. No drive. No ambition. No goals. Just existing. Alcohol-free, he is on a quest for knowledge. He never stops learning.  

I wasn’t too far off. The difference between us was that I had huge goals, but absolutely no idea how to achieve them, so I gave up on them. All my prayers and all my dreams seemed out of reach, so I moved on and built myself a career in real estate.

After I quit drinking, my life improved in every area. I won’t go over how much better I felt physically, because that’s a given. But, suddenly, I found I had the time to do anything I wanted to do in life.

I’ll be honest here: I really believed I was nuts to think I could transform my life, but I had a husband who encouraged me to quit my job and go after my dreams. I went back to school fulltime and got a degree in theology. I graduated summa cum laude from Liberty University. I wrote two Christian books while in school and then after graduation I pursued the writing career I’d always wanted. I’ve written four fiction books and I’m currently working on my next masterpiece.

If you’re a drinker and you’re reading this thinking: Well, that’s what happened for THEM. I could never transform MY life like that. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t have the means, or the money. I’m not ambitious, etc…  Think again!  

Let’s take a closer look at living a sober life. Anytime you give up your sinful lusts and choose to live in obedience to God’s Word, He will rain blessings down on you. He will create opportunity, open doors, and give you favor. He paves the way. Your goals are attainable, because all things are possible with God! ALL THINGS! Jesus said so (Matthew 19:26)! He also said anything is possible if a person believes (Mark 9:23). Do you think He knew what He was talking about?!!

Every time huge changes are about to happen in my life, God sends me this Scripture: “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland” (Isaiah 43:19).

Don’t waste your time on these articles that say: quitting drinking saved me money, gave me more energy, I quit making a fool out of myself, I was healthier, blah, blah, blah.

You have to look at the BIG picture. Do you really want to see HUGE changes in your life? Then quit drinking now and completely transform your life into what you want it to be. What are your career goals? Your health goals? Your relationship goals? I know you don’t have healthy relationships if you’re a regular drinker or substance abuser.

Toby and I did not have the healthiest relationship when we drank because it would cause us to fight when we were intoxicated. I’m putting it all out there for you today! We would drink and then fight. Let me tell you something remarkable! When we quit drinking, our relationship AUTOMATICALLY became healthy. For almost a decade we’ve enjoyed a strong, healthy, loving, happy, God-blessed marriage. In fact, I regularly write blogs and posts about how to have (and keep) a healthy and happy marriage. There are steps you can take, being sober is one of them.   

When Toby and I look back over our drinking years, we see repeated bad behavior and nonexistent goals. Life in the slow lane. When we look back over our nondrinking years, we realize we’ve lived more life in the last eight years than we had in the seventeen years we drank. Did you hear that? We’ve achieved more in eight years than we did in seventeen. Wow! That’s something to think about!    

 If you want to stop drinking (maybe you’re struggling with it, or you think you can’t quit), take it to the Lord and confess what’s in your heart. Remember, anything is possible with God and you can achieve anything, if you believe. You have a future ahead of you, and it’s a bright one filled with hope and promise because we serve a good God! Your life can be anything you want it to be.

I’ve never shared our testimony about our drinking, but today the Lord prompted me to put this out there. There’s someone reading this right now and you think your life will never improve. You think there’s no hope or opportunity for you; that your life could never be more than what it is today. That’s not true. God created us to live bold lives.

​If anyone feels compelled to write to Toby and me, please feel free to do so. We would love to talk with you!

Love and Blessings!               

You Are Destined For More

The other morning I came across a video where a woman was talking about taking a leap of faith. She said the only way to grow is to step out of your comfort zone. I do agree change entails getting uncomfortable, but she also said there’s never going to be the right time or the right circumstances to take that BOLD step.

​People, I can tell you right now, God clears a path for us and times it just right to ensure our success. That bold step is not without His favor. It’s not a fluke that we decided to step out in faith and things just happened to work out for us. It wasn’t pure luck. It worked out because God had already planned it that way.



Back in 2011, I was unhappy with my real estate career, even though it was very successful for me. Although the money was good, my circumstances weren’t, and I felt like I was missing something in life. I wasn’t operating at my fullest potential. Toby would point out that I’m entrepreneur-minded and needed to be working for myself. He took it a step further and told me that once he was making my same salary, along with his own, he wanted me to quit and go into business for myself.



He said this repeatedly, and even though I heard him loud and clear, I didn’t believe he could make that much money any time soon. Not only that, I didn’t have confidence I could go into business for myself. I had attempted it once before and it hadn’t worked out for me.



Surprisingly, a year later Toby was making my salary in addition to his own. At this point, he told me to stop working in real estate, and instead start doing what I dreamed of ... but I couldn’t trust the process! I didn’t want to take the chance of it not working out for me again, so I continued to stay in real estate, traveling down that unfulfilling path. What I didn’t realize at the time was that my discontent in that job was because God had greater plans for me. Deep inside I knew I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing.  



During this same time, I’d been looking at universities for Toby so he could finish his degree. I finally found one that impressed me, and thought, this is perfect for Toby. That’s when I heard the Lord speak, “No, this is perfect for you!”



I realized then it was God’s plan for me to get out of real estate and into what I was created to do—what I was supposed to be doing—to use my God-ordained talent and go to work for Him. This is how I ended up getting a degree in Theology and resuming the writing career I had once hoped for many years ago.  



​In my mind, I was not in a position to do these things. But guess what … it doesn’t matter what I think! It doesn’t matter what man thinks. If God says “YES” the answer is yes!!!



When you're ready to step into your God-given purpose in life, there is a RIGHT time and it will be under the RIGHT circumstances. His timing is perfect. Trust in it! Trust in HIM!   

   

Now, there are things we’re to do when God moves in our lives!



TELL EVERYONE!



Give your TESTIMONY!



Give GOD the GLORY!



What a shame when the Lord creates miracles, moves mountains, and covers someone in His supernatural anointing and they keep it to themselves.



Yell it from the mountaintops.



Yes, some people will come against you. Some will want to diminish what God has done in your life out of pure jealousy or hatred … give your testimony anyway. Let the jealous be jealous, because it’s not YOU their hate affects, it’s only THEMSELVES!!! There’s a price to pay for the person who comes against what God has done in your life. God will never allow man or demon to steal or destroy what He has given you!  



“So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God,” 1 Cor. 10:31.



Your testimony not only brings God the glory He deserves, but it ENCOURAGES others. It reminds them we can always have HOPE in every situation because of the Lord.



​These words came out of the mouth of Jesus, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible,” Matthew 19:26. Aren’t you glad we don’t have to rely on man!!!



Start speaking your destiny out in your praise to God and watch it unfold! Put your faith in God and trust the process!



 “Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness,” Psalm 115:1.

"A Lady In Disguise" by Sandra Byrd (Book Review)

​In this intriguing novel of romance, mystery, and clever disguise set in Victorian England, a young woman investigates the murder of her own father.

After the mysterious death of her father, Miss Gillian Young takes a new job as the principal costume designer at the renowned Theatre Royal, Drury Lane. But while she remembers her father as a kind, well-respected man of the Police Force, clues she uncovers indicate he’d been living a double life: a haunting photograph of a young woman; train stubs for secret trips just before his death; and a receipt for a large sum of money. Are these items evidence of her father’s guilty secrets? His longtime police partner thinks so.

Then Gillian meets the dashing Viscount Thomas Lockwood. Their attraction is instant and inescapable. As their romantic involvement grows, Gillian begins to suspect even Lockwood’s motives. Does Lord Lockwood truly love her? Or is his interest a front for the desire to own her newly inherited property? And what should she make of her friend’s suggestion that Lockwood or men like him were involved in the murder of her father?

Soon Gillian is convinced that her father has left evidence somewhere that can prove his innocence and reveal the guilty party. But someone wants to stop her from discovering it. The closer she comes to uncovering it, the more menacing her opposition grows. With her life on the line, Gillian takes on an ingenious disguise and takes on the role of a lifetime to reveal the true killer—before it’s too late both for her and for those that she loves.

​






​If you’d like to be transported into the late nineteenth century, "A Lady in Disguise" will certainly take you there.



This is a beautifully written Victorian Gothic romance novel that will hook you from the first page. I was immediately captivated and loved every delicious minute of this read. Sandra knows how to keep a reader engaged and on the edge of their seat. This was a book I had trouble putting down, and when I did, it stayed with me all day.



The story has a little bit of everything: mystery, intrigue, suspense, and romance. Her detailed description of Victorian England makes you feel as if you've traveled back in time. She masterfully weaves fact with fiction, leaving the reader captivated. Sandra’s true-to-life characters come alive on the pages, forcing you to fall in love with each and every one.



The heroine is delightful and admirable, not to mention strong in faith. She's very passionate about everything she does, whether it be her profession, her charity work, or investigating the death of her father.



This is a mystery with just enough twists and turns to keep you guessing all the way up to the end. A splendid and delightful read!