HastyWords's Blog, page 32
July 24, 2019
WE ARE BOOKMARKS
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She fell away from me
Differently from the others
I sat watching as pieces
Fell apart then together
As she struggled earnestly
And sometimes gave up
Exhausted from the trying
She had found and built
Something solid finally
A plan, a person, a life full
So many smiles and laughs
So much beauty and love
My heart burst for her
And selfishly broke for me
Life is a balance of old and new
Sometimes we are bookmarks
Left holding pages
That everyone else has turned
Friendships. They change over time. You are either fully let it when it begins to change or you become one of those… yeah we were good friends once kinda friends.
I’ll take them both ways. It seems I am the “we were good friends once” type of friends.
July 19, 2019
GATE TO HELL
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My eyes traced the concrete fractures
This is where the dread and unease
Detonate the fear I’ve been hiding
Rough edges jagging into erratic lines
Deep, dark, wide gaps that if stepped on
Would break your mother’s back
And conjure an army of fiends
Of monsters and ogres, of ghosts
Cracks that if tread upon would
Open up and swallow you whole
To spit you back out a meaty skeleton
To be picked and fed upon by carrion
My eyes traced the concrete fractures
Before turning and breaking away
From this seemingly innocuous gate to hell
NOTE
When I was young I was afraid of what might be in the ground below our feet. I believed that was where Hell was. I was deathly afraid of potholes and cracks in the ground.
July 18, 2019
SOMETHING FAITHFUL
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I still pray
God give me strength
Give me wisdom
Give me patience
But I never
Not once left it at that
Because he gave me life
A thinking brain
A versatile will
A moveable body
He provided the nails
And made me the hammer
I’ve always believed
That together we’d build
A whole life using…
Strength
Wisdom
Patience
July 16, 2019
EMBALMED WITH DESPAIR
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It’s the kind of fog
that stole my breath
Thick and shadowy
Dark skulking movements
that stuck to my skin.
Ominous and dangerous
It held the memory
of every broken scream
I hated this kind of fog
And for the longest time
It’s the only kind I knew
It swallowed the sun
leaving me isolated, afraid
In a state of unholy detachment
that measured me for death
and embalmed me with despair
There was a time that the fog was ALL I could feel. A nightmare house filled with shadows and taunting Jesters. Dark conjurors of manipulation and deceit. It was filled with false memories of delusion and self sabotage.
In that fog I fight a war against an invisible enemy. A war that can’t be won but can be survived. The fog is a part of who I am. It’s not the only thing I am.
July 11, 2019
HASTY VERSION 2.0
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The electricity flows
Through skin and bone
Anxiety restless
A pacing back and forth
How do I look?
Examines body
Fusses over face
How do I sound?
Practices hello
I’m so happy to meet you
Smile and smile again
Laugh small
Make sure it reaches
Your mascara eyes
Practice makes perfect
Remember
People are drawn
To happy
Don’t you dare cry
Not tonight
Not again
You’ll ruin everything
Here take a drink
Take the whole bottle
You’ll be fine
The burn feels good
Warm belly
Slow breath
Calm nerves
You’re amazing
You’re beautiful
People will love
This version of you
This made up person
That isn’t at all like you
**I miss her sometimes.
The way she smiled at everything and laughed if only to keep from crying. She was an AMAZING pretender. She was genuine with her love but not with her pain. She wasn’t selfish and gave whatever was needed.
When I start missing her I remind myself of how the pretending made her drink too much. How the pain would spill out when she drank. How depressed she became and how exhausted trying to seem happy was.
She was more fun. She was more glam and less granny panty. She was more fit. But she was heartache.
In the end who she was and who I am now weren’t compatible. Only one me would survive and granny panties rule.
July 10, 2019
UNSETTLING
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It’s a bit unsettling
Knowing she’s still
A part of me
I know how strong
And fierce she is
Like a glowing ember
She is fully awake
Just waiting to burn
This house I’ve built
To protect myself
From her brutality
*I’d be foolish to believe I’ve beaten depression. She will always be waiting for an opening to take control.
June 18, 2019
HIS WORLD
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His world shaped itself
around me
His shoulders
Strengthened me
His embrace
Held my peace
His gaze
Held my wonder
And his lips
Whispered
My history to bed
And sung
My future into being
His world shaped itself
Beautifully into mine.
June 9, 2019
FROZEN BREATH
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The snow
Dropped quietly
Covering
Everything
Beautiful
Majestic
But…
Someday
She whispered
Soft and quiet
Like the snow
Someday
The cold will melt
The wet will dry
And my breath
Will float away
Without freezing
Again…
Someday
It’s so hard being a mom. Or at least a mom who cares. My girl is nearly 15 and I’m always worried. Worried she will be hurt, lost, sad, or that I won’t be there when whatever hard thing comes to challenge her.
I know… resilience is important. Some believe it’s a gift. Small hits making us tougher and stronger. How many calluses will it take to protect her from heartbreak? From brokenness?
Knowing experiences make us who we are and that I’m raising a strong girl by not protecting her from the bumps and bruises doesn’t make breathing any easier.
June 6, 2019
NOT EVERYONE IS HIM
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Can inconsistency be a trauma?
The way he said he loved me
The way his eyes devoured me
How his hands moved over me
I remember feeling so high
Destination cloud nine please
He did everything right
Made me lemon squares
Opened my doors for me
Dressed up to take me out
“Let’s just drive around
I don’t want to share you”
Sincere smile
Holds my hand
I totally believed him…his lies
I look back now
And I can’t reconcile
The person he was
With the person he became
His intention was rape and
The last door he opened
Landed me on the ground
Dumped like a bin for trash day
And… he was gone
Mostly
He still visits me
Everytime someone compliments me
Everytime I catch inconsistecy
My heart pumps adrenaline
Fearing the very worst
Not one part of me can handle
That kind if inconsistency again
And I have had to repeat
a million times or more
not everyone is him
Healing is a journey. There isn’t a place where you’ll be able to stop and say “Hey look I made it. I’m done.”
Once there is trauma it is with you forever. But just like a physical scar an emotional one can become smoother and lighter. The trauma of a loved one dying. The trauma of abuse. The trauma of a disaster. The trauma of disease.
I read a post the other day that upset me quite a bit. The man said (of a young girls trauma) how absurd and ridiculous her suicide was since she had only been raped a few times. How she should have been able to get over that and that he would have gladly traded places and been raped a dozen times over instead of what he was currently going through.
I don’t know what his current situation is. I won’t assume. But we can’t compare traumas between us. We are all healing from something. All of us. And there is no “getting over” trauma.
We can learn to cope. We can learn to not hurt others. But trauma is unpredictable. There is no “getting over” trauma.
June 4, 2019
CHEMICAL FEAR
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They call it adrenaline
But it’s just chemical fear
I can taste it on my tongue
Feel it speed through veins
Like alcohol, thin and sharp
It churns in my stomach
Makes my nerves radiate
And then… I’m a machine
I’m not me… I’m a robot
Something more innate
Wakes up and steps up
And my brain runs faster
Trying to catch up to speed
My body stands waiting
Like a sentry watching
Please forgive me
When I’m afraid
And I’m afraid…
Of a lot these days
