HastyWords's Blog, page 29
April 1, 2020
Day 1: JOKE – I’M NOT A JOKE
It isn’t a joke, I whisper
The tears you see
Are a part of me
A churning sea
A steady roar
Filled to capacity
Waves of brine
Crashing inside me
Knocking my ribs
Tearing at stability
I am a boat, I whisper
And what you see
Is the storm trying
To break free
I’m a strong boat though
Just a few leaks you see
So don’t laugh at me
It’s not…
I’m not a joke
Day 1: JOKE: I’M NOT A JOKE
It isn’t a joke, I whisper
The tears you see
Are a part of me
A churning sea
A steady roar
Filled to capacity
Waves of brine
Crashing inside me
Knocking my ribs
Tearing at stability
I am a boat, I whisper
And what you see
Is the storm trying
To break free
I’m a strong boat though
Just a few leaks you see
So don’t laugh at me
It’s not…
I’m not a joke
March 31, 2020
MY CURSE
It’s a curse to feel it all
The heart aching words
They eye kicking looks
Like a tide turning pulse
Racing like falling stars
Across my universe
The sky wants to fall
Full of ice sharpened birds
With piercing claw hooks
And a needling impulse
To open up these scars
Yet again, I’m immersed
X MARKS THE SPOT
It wasn’t a castle
But it was his castle
I wasn’t a servent
But I felt like one
Obedience worn
As decades fell
And it was those
My years of life
Screaming at me
Forever hoping
I’d be worth
More than that
X marks the spot
Decades lost
Beneath my feet
EVEN THOUGH
The world can be dark
Even though there is sun
It can be cold and sad
Even with birds singing
You can have plenty
Want for nothing
And desire most
To give it all away
Because even stuff
Deserves more
Than to be stuck
In a world of despair
With you
March 30, 2020
BLUE SKIES
I’m depressed today. It feels cold…maybe because of the rain but maybe not. Maybe it’s just because we have a lot more to worry about. If we don’t manage our worries and anxiety it’ll cause depression.
At a time when so many are facing economic uncertainty, health worries, and possible life and death decisions I am sitting here thinking about how useless, horrible, and a total waste my feelings and thoughts are. Chastising myself for even wanting, for one moment, to be heard, felt, or understood. How dare I even care at a moment such as this about how I feel.
Talk about feelings of guilt. I feel and think so many things but… I’ve learned to act beyond those things. Beyond my emotions. And it is so hard.
I do things. I contribute. I have a daughter I am raising. I have people who depend on me. I have so much to be thankful for and my existence does not depend on how my brain decides to torture me today. I avoid absorbing things my brain will use against me. I spend my time feeding myself positivity. Looking for joy. It doesn’t always work but sometimes it does. Those times are worth it.
Just because I feel broken and useless doesn’t mean I am broken and useless. It’s important to remember you are part of a bigger world than the one your brain creates. I may not feel joy or love the way someone without depression does but every now and then I enjoy a blue sky too.
I feel like this is a pointless post. Like what I say or ...
I feel like this is a pointless post. Like what I say or think doesn’t really mean anything. Maybe we all feel that way?
I saw something beautiful the other day. Families outside spending time. Not just parks or walking but actively playing. Chalks in driveways, playing catch, or jump rope. To me that’s more valuable than keeping up with reading and math. Play time for parents 101. But it made me think…
Can you feel it yet? The patterns that emerge. The rhythm that life breathes into all of us when something extreme happens?
I think we feel it most when we experience the birth of new life but also again when we see, feel, experience death. When we feel complete joy and deep grief. We can feel inside our deepest selves how impermanent life is.
And we tend to forget. We forget the value and gift that life is. Stripped of everything and having nothing we all have one thing in common. Life.
We forget because we are too busy searching for, then working towards, something meaningful. We forget because we are reaching for success, for notoriety, for stability, for comfort, for…. love.
No matter your situation or station you are a life. It’s rare that we as an individual, as a nation, as a global community are reminded together at the same time how impermanent life is. How strong yet completely fragile we are inside our own humanity.
What makes life important? How we connect with others. We should value that more.
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A raindrop falls alone
With its own story
Its own dreams
Its own perspective
Landing in oceans
In fields of dirt
On mountains
And skyscrapers
Joining the world
To be connected
Part of the more
It was born for
How beautiful many can be
When joined together as one
March 23, 2020
DISREPAIR
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The big iron gate
Used to swing
Easy on its hinges
It was beautiful
With a purpose
An entrance to behold
It was cared for
And needed by many
It belonged
And it was useful
One day it creaked
Rust was setting in
People found it irritating
And stopped coming by
Caretakers left
Found new gates to love
And this old gate
Fell into disrepair
Having nothing left
No person left
To swing for
January 20, 2020
DEPRESSION
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It rests upon me
A silent partner
Waiting to choke
The life out of me
December 30, 2019
LEAVING YOU COLD
There is a coldness that has nothing to do with temperature and if you aren’t careful with your heart you’ll understand what I mean.
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They say things
They don’t mean
And pretend
Until you believe
Until you trust
But pay attention
And you’ll hear
And you’ll see
The deception
They weave
They craft
To fool you
But not before
A spell is cast
A bitterness left
Leaving you cold
