HastyWords's Blog, page 31

MISCONCEPTION

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The heat rises

Evaporating thoughts

Borrowing hate

From past lives

Disturbing bones

Long ago buried

Naked emotions

Stripped of dignity

And laid prone

To beliefs held

TURBULENCE

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The turbulence is there

Even in the quiet

Inside the gentle rocking

The to and fro of life

It’s always, always there

Like a crouching cat

Just waiting

To release its fury

Because at its core

Turbulence is furious

And before you know it

Before you can hold on

With great sweeping tides

And deep churning swells

It knocks you off your feet

And laughs as you wobble

On rubber-band legs

It mocks you as you collapse

Over and over again

As you roll in a heap

From one edge to another

It’s when you stop fighting

Stop trying to stand

As if on stable ground

It’s when you close your eyes

Long enough to feel the pattern

That life begins to lead

And then turbulence

Becomes just another beat

You’ve learned to dance to

SEDIMENTARY LIVES

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Experience falls upon us

Settling in layered beds

Muddy rust, shiny silver

Crystals of every color

Debris and rotted roots

Every single one of us

A unique mix of sediment

With treasures not easily seen

But always worth digging for

CHALK OUTLINE

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There it was just lying there

Purpose holding tight to hope

Clinging so hard to the dwindling

Dominance of a careless faith

That the ground began to rise

As if dark itself was being born

JAGGED LITTLE PIECES

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Like glitter falling from a broken sky

Jagged little pieces of atmosphere

Cut through these hands of mine

There are no silver horizons and

Only shards to illustrate the moon

Who will fall out of these reflections

Once the ground collects their souls

WORTHless

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It’s reality

My perspective

It’s dangerous

It’s painful

It’s persistent

My heart

Is silent

My brain

Is chaotic

My life feels

MEANINGless

My efforts feel

WORTHless

IGNORANCE IS DANGEROUS

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As much as I’ve read and as much as I’ve dealt with my own situation I’m still shocked at how certain things will trigger me. Each time I’m telling myself to just get over it already. Yes, as a victim I tell myself that.

I’m ashamed and infuriated that some things still attack the parts of me that dump a crap load of adrenaline into my system and shut my brain and my heart down for days.

It’s not even the act of unwanted sex it’s the emotional damage that kind of violence does. It’s that complete loss of choice, of control. There isn’t one part of who you are that can forget that.

It’s not a 5 minute act it’s a moment branded with fire into your soul.

I tell myself I’m lucky that it wasn’t worse. That so many people have much worse happen. But trauma of any kind is not “lucky” it’s awful. It’s something awful that has happened and it’s your job to learn from it, from yourself, and find a way to…. live despite it. And if you are “lucky” you’ll save some people from the same fate.

Ignorance is dangerous as this article discusses. Breaking through that ignorance is hard. I’m still breaking through mine because part of me believes I deserved it. I didn’t. Communication is imperative.

https://time.com/5503804/ive-talked-with-teenage-boys-about-sexual-assault-for-20-years-this-is-what-they-still-dont-know/

IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE

[image error]I remember the exact moment it felt like everything in my life changed. It was like a strange shift. A falling through floors. As if destiny was reaching out urging me to take its hand. To be honest, that night was blurry as though I wasn’t in my right mind or had too much to drink. But I was sober. And I had the strangest sense of clarity as if what was about to happen was preordained.

I had an opportunity to become different than I was and I grabbed tight as gravity absorbed me into its belly and took me on a crazy ride before spitting me out… bruised and worn.

I’m not really superstitious. I don’t believe things happen for a reason. I believe we find reasons to move us in a direction that feels right. I believe we have the power to create good from bad.

I changed because life demanded it. I sought because my soul was burnt. Instead of standing still I’ve chosen to run forward fast and hard. Because I know a thing or two about loss. I know it hurts. I know it angers. I know it survives the physical passing and evolves very much like an invisible feeling that grows into action.

No matter where my life goes from here I know that such loss and heartbreak will only serve to carry me through the troubles of tomorrow. That I will be more complete in my wisdom because of those I’ve chosen to get to know. That life won’t matter much once it’s gone so it has to matter now because that’s what we have.

My recent book collaboration can be found here : If Not Words: Poetry for the faint of heart

My art can be found on Instagram HastywordsArt where I have a store linked in my bio. Follow me there

IF NOT WORDS

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I started writing over a decade ago. Just started this blog one day and started writing. No game plan other than to write. I was tired of trying to drown my thoughts out with music. Tired of trying to explain how torturous my thoughts were to those close to me. Tired of feeling “crazy” or like I was seeking attention.

I think normally or maybe just generally, people want to be around happy people. It is perhaps a natural gravitation and part of individual survival. For the most part it’s connections and relationships that get us through the deeper and many times shittier parts of life.

Nonetheless, I was tired of trying to explain depression. I needed to find people like me who had been through it. That understood it. And I found a boatload of people to connect with right here on this blog.  You are all a part of the valuable healing process I had to go through.

I’m not sure there is anything harder than trying to explain an invisible illness and what it does to you. How it hurts you. I published books trying to explain it in poetic form. I spent countless hours here on this blog and on other WordPress blogs connecting, learning, and trying to find ways to kick depressions ass.

Skip to the present.

I have a boyfriend Byron Hamel who literally spent a few weeks weeding through my poetry trying to understand depression. My depression. He bookmarked and sat with over a 100 poems. He combined many that said the same things. He clarified a few thoughts. He edited and arranged each poem into an overall story.

He took the time to try to help me explain depression and in order to do that he had to try to understand it. He wanted me to know he loved me enough to try to understand me.

I mean… I have no words.

That’s how “If Not Words” was born. It’s a story about me and the man who loves me. It’s about listening and learning and growing.

I hope you buy the book. That you read it. That you maybe learn not just about how depression feels but about how two people found a way to communicate about something invisible. And I hope you enjoy the journey with us.

The picture below will take you to Amazon. Be kind. Listen to one another.

Love,

Angela

 

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[image error]Partners in life and in business, Hasty and Byron split their time between Oklahoma City and Winnipeg.  Though they have produced several films together one of which is “If I Go Missing” .  You can also find a series titled “How to Get Beat Up” on YouTube. Follow their production company Wierdo Hat to stay up to date with their new projects.  “If Not Words” is their first co-written book.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DANGEROUS FALSE NARRATIVES

When I was a little girl I remember reading about the Great Depression. I read the Grapes of Wrath. That was the first time I’d heard about poverty. I learned that before that men jumped out of windows because the stock market crashed and I thought “why in the world?’.

Did you know that men did not leap from windows on Black Monday? I didn’t until about 5 years ago. I spent a good chunk of my life believing that false narrative.

These days when something happens and adrenaline fueled reports are whizzing by faster than falling stars I have to sit back and breathe. Give the journalists a few days to contradict each other. And try to weed through the information. What happened? Where? And why?

Right now we have people in our country who are being fed false narratives, dangerous false narratives. There are groups of people who sincerely believe if they don’t act then nothing will change. Unfortunately, their action is hate driven and their energy is spent hurting good people.

How do we unravel these dangerous false narratives? What did they come to believe with so much passion they are willing to give up their own life and take so many of their “enemies” with them?

We can and should work on providing better mental health for those that need it. But most countries have worse mental health issues and they aren’t experiencing our problems with mass shooters.

We can and should work on gun access laws. But had they not had guns they would have plowed into crowds or poisoned food.

When you grow up believing you are superior and everyone else is trash. If you grow up neglected and your only friends believe they are superior to everyone else. When you have nobody you admire to break that narrative then you become hard wired to that narrative. When you become an adult and you hear speeches with the words “them vs us” from powerful people you will fit that into your false narrative. No amount of arguing will convince them that their entire life has been spent on a false narrative. They will turn all their hurts into that hate driven narrative.

WE have a problem and it’s an US vs THEM mentality. We are good they are bad.

I’ve seen sports fans get so riled up for their team US vs THEM that they will literally spew intense hatred for the opposing fans. I’ve seen old men yell at small children wearing opposing team jerseys.

How does someone begin to hate a whole group of people???? Dangerous false narratives.

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