HastyWords's Blog, page 33

THE COLOR OF YOU

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Painted memories

Beautiful pinks

And soft blues

Full of shadows

Of bold darks

Of gentle hues

Blended regrets

And mistakes

And triumphs too

Vivid landscapes

Full of textures

And dimensions

The color of you

LIKE TRINKETS

It’s known that hurting people hurt other people. Intentionally and unintentionally. Your traumas will always be a part of you but you get to decide how you carry them. Do you learn from them? Do you let them change you into a better more loving, compassionate, and giving person? Or do you carry them in a way that will keep wounding you?

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I’ve collected

My traumas

Like trinkets

In my pocket

I pull them out

And look at them

The angles

The points

The edges

The teeth

They change

Over time

And eventually

They will be gems

Because of me

And I’ll wear them

Proudly

For all to see

It’s known that hurting people hurt other people. Intenti...

It’s known that hurting people hurt other people. Intentionally and unintentionally. Your traumas will always be a part of you but you get to decide how you carry them. Do you learn from them? Do you let them change you into a better more loving, compassionate, and giving person? Or do you carry them in a way that will keep wounding you?

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I’ve collected

My traumas

Like trinkets

In my pocket

I pull them out

And look at them

The angles

The points

The edges

The teeth

They change

Over time

And eventually

They will be gems

Because of me

And I’ll wear them

Proudly

For all to see

IT’S DARK IN HERE

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I’d never been afraid of the hallway. The echoes it carried. The voices. The feet. The light that zigzagged across the floor. That landed on the walls. That rained from the ceiling.

It’s always been there to welcome and carry me from one room to the next. And there were always countless rooms. So many open doors. And those doors that were shut were easy to open.

I have my own room, It’s where I reboot. It’s where I go when I’m overwhelmed. I sleep. I cry alone. I bang on its walls. I scream. I sing. The room is filled with little pictures, trinkets, and notions. Filled with good and bad moments that have created me.

The hallway has always been there for me. But not today. Today it’s dark. No echoes. No open doors. Only silence.

I try the doors. Locked. Locked. Locked. Locked. My own room. Locked.

My brain… is just locked.

DEFYING GRAVITY

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I fell from the sky once.

I remember how the air refused to hold me. How fantastic it was that I was defying gravity one push at a time. My heart was soaring along with all my limbs. I was laughing. I was so happy.

And then the rope broke. It broke just as I was at the highest arc. It broke 5 feet above my uncles head. It broke… but he was there to catch me as I fell from the sky.

I miss him. I don’t know what happened to him but I wonder sometimes if he fell from the sky too and is just waiting to be caught. I never said RIP Uncle Gene but I think enough time has passed that I should. I hope wherever you are you are defying gravity.

ABSURD COBWEBS

 

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My thoughts, so many

Hung like strings

Dripping a quality

I could not pinpoint

I felt at this moment

I must bear fully

The abrupt pains

They presented

Like unwelcome visitors

Of the utmost distinction

Like fraying golden threads

In a very important seam

However, I couldn’t shake

The scheming I felt

Attached to their intrusion

And I knew then

The discomfort I felt

Was in that quality

I could not name

But felt so easily

Like breaking bones

Or like their becoming dust

And I grabbed my broom

And swept the ceiling

Clearing the thoughts

That hung like cobwebs

Inside my head

DEEPER INTO YOU

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I feel liquid

Flowing

Further away

From solid

Emotions drift

Muscles relax

And I escape

For a moment

Deeper into you

THE MOLD MONSTER

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I woke up after a long night of tossing and turning. Dreams of self-hate, disrespect, mistrust and betrayal. It felt… familiar. Like the beginning of something I still had control of.

Once I woke I identified the core feelings I needed to work on. Now I’ll work through them and get a nap later. Depression is like mold in that it starts out lurking and growing in dark places. Places you choose not to look. It gathers intelligence and stockpiles all the things you try to avoid so later when you are the most worn out… it can attack you with ALL the things.

Depression is chemical. It’s important to understand it isn’t something you can control with willpower. You can’t just BE happy.

But I believe (only my opinion) avoiding feelings, ignoring thoughts, and not working through issues is like starving yourself to feed the monster. And eventually when it is well fed and strong it will try to… take you out.

Don’t let that happen. You won’t always feel like talking but when you can…you should. Don’t wait until you can’t speak to work through things. And if you can’t speak please find a dr and find the medication you need to get to a place to empty that closet of issues. They need your attention. It’s important. You are important.

You like to torment me

Especially and mostly

When I’m doing well

You find me dreaming

And you light the stage

Playing the parts

Of all my insecurities

And writing lines

To exacerbate my fears

You call me out

All my hypocrisy

All my half intentions

My guilty pleasures

My shameful wants

You pick on my fat

On my scars, my ideas

And on the mold

Growing in my brain

Wait! What mold?

And you point

At the spreading

The blackening

The decaying rot

And it has a voice

It’s your voice

Not mine

You are the bully

The deep dark

I am the dreamer

That can and will

Wake to the light

MY METAL BRAIN

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I sit most of my day

Looking at you

I’m dependent on you

The only person

That cares about you

You hold so much info

I’d be totally lost

Completely confused

Up a muddy creek

If anything happened

To the intelligence

You possess

You hold the lock

And I literally

Hold the key

NICE TRY MR. TUMOR

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It was an early December morning and I was hungover. I had far too much to drink the night before for someone who hardly ever drank. I remember walking outside to cool off and sitting in the snow. It seemed a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Little did I know the next morning was going to save my life.

I had planned to go shopping and have lunch with my mom. It was going to be Christmas soon and it was supposed to be a beautiful day. The sun was out melting all the ice and we barely needed jackets. At lunch my mom said I looked terrible which was fair because I felt AWFUL. She expressed concern, said she loved me, and asked if I needed to reschedule. I remember thinking how amazing my bed would be but I said no… we would enjoy the day together.

By the time we finished shopping the sun had melted most of the ice. My mom was driving so I’d helped her to her door. On my way to my door my foot found the ONLY ice left in the lot.

I slipped and hit my head. Hard. I didn’t have time for pinwheel arms. I didn’t have time to reach out for anything. I was upright…and then I wasn’t.

“Angie? Are you okay?”

I heard my mom looking for me. I mean I was there one moment and the next I was gone. I jumped up and flung myself into the car and said yea I’m fine and started laughing harder than I’ve ever laughed.

It was funny to me. The image of my mom looking around for me like she used to when I hid in clothing racks when I was little. Funny that I fell so completely that it probably looked graceful.

We both laughed so hard. Probably the hardest I’d ever laughed. We talked about how funny it would have been if I slipped and just slid through the parking lot through all the cars with people staring.

It doesn’t sound funny but it was one of those moments where being there made all the difference. The point is… I fell and hit my head really hard and my reaction was one of joy and laughter.

Days went by and I felt like I had a concussion. I was dizzy and nauseous constantly. My boss, and my best friend, at the time was concerned enough after three days she made me call the doc.

I remember calling my Dr and telling his nurse how stupid I felt calling because I had just hit my head. She ordered a CT scan and ruled out a concussion and ruled in a brain tumor.

Apparently this tumor got jostled when I hit my head. It was nice and cozy minding its own business until then. It was just after the New Year, Jan 2001 when I had it removed. Surgery went well.

I spent a few days not able to move the right side of my body. The part of my head they had to put a hole in would blow up a tiny bit like a balloon when I sneezed or coughed. You could see my heart beat in my scalp. But… I was blessed.

The Dr had given me a choice to remove or watch it. He later told me that I had made the right decision. It had begun growing limbs that were headed toward a spot where they wouldn’t have been able to remove it.

It was benign. It was slow growing. It had been a part of my head for at least a decade. It’s been gone for nearly two decades now.

That moment. The slipping and falling. It saved my life. And beyond that it changed the course of my life. I decided to become a mom because of that experience. I finished my Masters degree but I didn’t use it the way I had planned. I’m glad.

I’m so very grateful and glad.

But my best friend. The beautiful woman who made me call the Dr… she died a few years ago with Brain Cancer. She was here… and then she wasn’t. I miss her. I love her.