Kaye Wright's Blog, page 18

Should A Woman Ever Pay?

Should A Woman Ever Pay?

“Be honest.  If you asked a woman out on a date, do you think she should pay for anything?  Should she split the bill or nah?”

“Absolutely not.” Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  My heart sang in agreement.  “If I am interested enough to ask a woman out, she should not pay.  I’m a man.  I think that’s my job, if I’ve ask her out.  I should pay to take her out and show her a good time.”

“My ni$$a!” In my Denzel from Training Day voice.

“Girl you crazy!  Get off my phone, man!”

Even though the conversation was lighthearted, it was a topic that gets a lot of serious attention.  It seems like everyone has an opinion on the topic of money as it relates to dating.  And not just passive opinions, but very strong opinions.  I have gotten into all out verbal fights.  Knock down drag out fights with dear friends who see things differently than I do.

As I said above, I think a man who asks you out should pay.  It really doesn’t mean that much to me in terms of right or wrong.  For me, it’s a matter or manners.  You have asked me to go out with you because you are interested in me.  So, ok, let’s go and let’s do this.  That’s not to say that I haven’t ever paid.  I have gone on many a date that has ended in a split check.  I am perfectly fine with that.  I pulled out my money and paid my half.  I never went out with his ass again, but I paid my part and was as pleasant as ever while doing so.

Sometimes I feel that the movement toward equality among the sexes has been turned into something it was not meant to be.  Women not being paid the same rate as a man who performs the same job, in the same way and with the same level of productivity, is one thing.  You not paying for a date you invited me out on, is quite another.

I do agree with a particular theory I heard about this.  SOME men, not all, but SOME men use excuses to justify not spending money on the women they are interested in.  For various reasons, some guys choose to minimize the expense associated with finding Mrs. Right.  They call us gold diggers, users, lazy and a whole host of other negative names.  This puts a stigma out into the atmosphere.  No one wants to be associated with a negative stigma, so what happens as a result, is that women shy away from  the ‘norm’ of expecting a man to pay.  It makes them more appealing to the men who are looking to spend as little as possible on dates, and to themselves, in their own minds.  The men who are dating don’t end up spending top dollar on multiple outings with various different women, and thus, they save money and still, hopefully, find the woman of their dreams.  Go figure.

Have I ever paid for things for the men I’ve dated?  Of course I have.  I love, love, love giving gifts and once I’m in a committed relationship, I will buy my man whatever gift I think will make him most happy.  So it’s truly not about the money.  As the saying goes, it’s the principle.

I also believe in creating my own lifestyle.  The things I want, I get for myself.  The things I need, are taken care of above all else.  I would never look for a sponsor or a sugar daddy.  Even a man who come in and plays Captain Save a Hoe, would not appeal to me.  For one, I’m not a hoe, but more importantly, I don’t ask for or expect more than what I’m able to provide for myself.  Anything a man brings to the table is extra, in my opinion.  If you shop at Payless, have several seats if you are out her trying to get the many you date to buy you red bottoms.  Girl, please.

On the flip side of that, however, is that if I am living a red bottom type of lifestyle, please know that you cannot date me and then expect me to suddenly become ok with Payless.  No shade to Payless; y’all summer sandals are A1 when I want something cute and quick.  But, I would expect to attract and date a man who can and will be able to create experiences for and with me, that are equal to what I’m doing for myself, when I meet him.

Recently, xoNecole (by Necole of Necole Bitchie fame) featured a piece on Rob Riley.  In it he talks about intellectual compatibility.   He speaks in terms of being on the same level when it comes to intelligence so that neither person feels inferior to the other.  I think this thinking is transferable.  Similarly, if two people enter into a dating situation, and later a relationship, where they are equals, or where they feel equal, there is much less room for him feeling as if he’s being used because of his financial situation.  That type of idyllic situation also prevents the woman from feeling controlled because she is experiencing things only because of the man she is attached to.

So all in all, I do think that a man should pay.  Call me old fashioned or whatever, but I think it sets a tone for the things to come if a relationship is the result. It says, I got you if you need me to, but more importantly, I got you because I want to take the weight of it off you.

Do you think a woman should ever pay? Why or why not?  Share your thoughts in the comments section.

 

The post Should A Woman Ever Pay? appeared first on Kaye Wright.

Is Sex “Too Quick” A Real Thing? It Depends.

How Soon Is Too Soon

Sex is awesome.  It’s amazing.  It feels good, yada, yada, yada.  Here’s the thing: We make it whatever it is in our own individual lives.  Like most things, it’s as big or as small as you want it to be.  Ha! Ha! Pun intended.  Seriously, it’s all relative.  What works for one person, may not work for the next person.  You have to assess your situation, be HONEST with yourself about what you really want, and then take intentional steps toward whatever that goal is for you. With that being said, let’s get into the following scenarios.

When You Know He Ain’t The One… But He’s Fine.

I met this guy once.  I was out with friends, I was drunk, and I was feeling devilish.  Outside of the club, my friends and I decided we would count how many men we saw before we saw one who was fine.  Hey, we were drunk and it was late.  We began the game.  One of the more sober people in our group decided to be the counter.  As the men came out of the club and walked to their cars, we counted.  We also laughed at the ridiculous outfits, haircuts and shoes that provided plenty of entertainment while we waited on at least ONE fine dude to come our way.  Let me just say that it took a long ass time.

We were well into the 60’s before he showed himself.  He blessed us with his presence and it was good. It was all good.  That one dude made it worth the wait.  Yes Lord, there is a God! And God is good!  We all sang in unison, ‘DAAMMMMNNN!”  And with the same uniformity, we all hung our heads in drunken embarrassment when he heard us and turned in our direction.

My drunk ass, stepped off the curb and waved at him.  He replied with a smile that lit up the night’s sky.  Well, not really, but it sounded really good to add it there.  He motioned for me to come over to him.  And like a real G, I walked half way and then stopped.  I motioned for him to come to me.  I didn’t want to seem desperate.  After some back and forth, numbers were exchanged and cheers were heard as I made my drunken way back to my group of equally drunk and obnoxious group of friends.

Fast forward about 3 weeks and I had asked for a picture, purely because I had no idea what he looked like when my sobriety returned the next day, and we had talked numerous times on the phone. Because of both our schedules, we hadn’t been able to meet up since that night on the curb outside the club.  Finally at about the one month mark, we met for lunch and had a really nice date.

As soon as he walked up to the restaurant me and my loins alerted my brain tot he fact that I was going to have sex with him.  This dude was unbelievably fine.  Like fine, fine.  Like fine as the day is long, fine.  Like Idris fine.  Oh yeah, it was definitely going to happen.  As I flipped through my mental log of How Not To Be A Hoe, I thanked the heavens above that we had technically been ‘getting to know one another’ for an entire month. That meant that me giving up the ass was completely within reason.

Chile I would’ve told myself anything to be laying up next to that fine ass specimen naked.  And so it was.  The night it would all go down, I was on the phone with my uber conservative, prudish friend, who frantically tried to talk me out of having sex with the man of my dreams; and hers.

“Girl, bye.  It’s going down.  Tonight.  Do you hear me?  I’m going to get that!”

“No, he needs to put in more work.  He hasn’t taken you out enough.  Don’t do it.”

“I’ve gotta go.  Your are truly killing my vibe.  I’ll tell you how it goes.”

Mr. Right For Tonight

I got dressed and headed out.  On the way, I called another friend so that I could discuss the real issue of importance.  There’s a theory based on fear and scarcity that I’ve learned from my BFF.  It’s totally irrational, but here it is:  Something always has to go wrong.  If things are going well, prepare yourself for the proverbial dropping of the shoe.   I figured he would be lacking in the bedroom.  Or in his boxers, specifically.  My hope was that he did not have a thumb sized penis and that he was not a minute man and that he was not quick on the draw and that he was not rhythmically challenged.

My other girlfriend schooled me, quickly, on how to get out of the situation if any of the above fears realized themselves.  So totally prepared and equipped, it went down.  He did not disappoint and to this day I don’t regret sleeping with him.  Instinctively I knew at that first lunch date that he was not boyfriend or husband material.  I also knew that he was a nice, decent guy who was super sexy and who I wanted to have some fun with.  Which I did.  I had my fill.  Was a month too soon to have sex?  Did I give it up too quick?  In that situation, no.

The Grunge Fuck

Back in the day I was riding with my brother and we got on the topic of men, women, relationships and sex.  During the conversation I mentioned that women are ‘supposed’ to play hard to get and make a man chase them for sex.  I said it in a matter-of-fact way because at that time, I really believed that was the truth.  I had been taught that the way to deal with men, was to basically manipulate them because they were … well, dumb.

My reasoning didn’t sit well with my brother.  There was a woman he was ‘dating’ that hadn’t given up the goods and I think what I said made him feel some type of way.  To top it all off, he was offended that I could think men were dumb and should be manipulated because he was a man and I knew those things didn’t apply to him.  *Kanye shrug* I guess.  I rolled my eyes for most of his monologue.  But, when he said ‘grunge fuck’, my ears perked up.  Dear brother, what is this thing you speak of?

“What kind of fuck?”

“I said grunge fuck.  What you will do is end up on the receiving end of a man trying to nail you to the bed.”  Oh girl, he was mad.

“I don’t get it.  Why would a guy do that?  To hurt a female?”

He broke it down to me like this.  A man will meet a woman, have no ill intentions toward her.  He will be respectful, polite and treat her well.  He’ll spend money wining and dining her to show her that he does indeed like her.  All of this, according to my brother, is in an effort to let the young lady in question know that he is interested in getting to know her.  Getting to know her the right way.

Now, once he is clued in to the fact that she thinks he’s dumb and should be played, he will do one of 2 things.  Play it cool.  Continue to date her and take her out, treating her with the utmost respect, all while plotting to hit her with the one, two jab once the resentment has built up to a point where he can’t hold it in any longer.  When HE is ready and when she has bought his game hook, line and sinker – he will grunge fuck her like she’s a hoe he picked up in the parking lot of the Waffle House.  After, he will promptly disappear, never to be heard of again.  Damn! Damn! Damn!

The other option is much simpler.  He will simply cuss her out and leave her wading in her own tears.

The theory behind this, as I’ve confirmed with many different men since, is that men don’t like to be on the receiving end of being played.  They don’t take too kindly to a woman withholding sex merely as a ploy.  Especially when he is genuinely interested in more than just sex and has taken steps to show the woman that.  If you like him, he likes you, you are both on the same page in terms of what both are seeking in terms of a relationship, and the woman keeps the boo boo kitty at bay to see how much she can get out of him.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am well aware that men run game on women every second of the day, but they can’t take it even though they dish it.

As a word of caution, be sure that when you are holding out on sex as a ploy, you don’t end up grudge fucked.  In that case, too soon or too quick is irrelevant.  If things are right and he’s treating you the way you want to be treated, and you both want to embark on a relationship, do it when it feels right, not after he spends enough, takes you out enough, or whatever other ring of fire you have for him to jump through.

Sex won’t make or break it.  If it’s meant to be, it will be.  If it ain’t meant to be, you can hold out for 5 years and it still won’t … be.

Getting Him Out of Miami and Into Seattle

If, you are on a quest to land in a loving, healthy relationship, you need to be strategic about it.  There are absolutely certain things you should and should not do when dating for a long-term relationship.  As with anything, understand that nothing is full proof, but some things are FOOL proof.  By dating smart, you can increase your odds for success and decrease your chances of heartbreak.

Too Quick In The Sac Can Land You Alone

Men are visual.  Let’s just be honest.  They like tits and ass.  They are drawn to a woman’s skin, her smile, her hips and thighs and her femininity.  When you are out and about and a man approaches, please know that it’s highly likely your physical attributes are what brought him over.  This is not right or wrong, it’s just the way it is.  And further, it’s perfectly ok.  You want your man to be physically attracted to you, right?  Right.

The key to this game is knowing that as a woman, you are the one who decides if this man gets your time and attention.  When you decide that he does, you have to be smart about the way you proceed.  Men are in Miami most of the time. What that means is, they’re in party mode.  Have you ever been to Miami?  Really BEEN to Miami?  You should know, then, that when in Miami, seriousness and responsibility and thoughts of where you will be in 5 years, are not thoughts that occupy your mind.  Hell, thoughts of where you will be in 5 minutes don’t occupy your mind.  This is where men live, mentally, for a lot of the time.  This again, is not wrong, it just is what it is.

Your job is to create a level of being that requires him to come to Seattle to get your time and attention.  Been to Seattle?  That shit ain’t Miami.  Not by a long shot.  See where I’m going?  In Seattle folks are not screwing drunk, behind the club or in the car or back at the room in a day or two.

In this instance, you want to keep him out of Miami at all costs, so no fooling around, heavy petting, oral sex (some of y’all act like you don’t that this is still sex), watching porn; nothing that will put him in a sexually aroused state.  Not until he’s at least packed his bags and is driving to Seattle.  Exactly when that is, will be something you will have to gage yourself.

Do know that this requires time.  Men can and will stay in Miami and dress like they’re going to work in Seattle for a long time.  A long, long time.  Got it?  A loooooong time.  They’re dedicated.  They want the draws, they will play the role.  Stay with me, here’s the beauty of it, though.  This is a great Catch 22.  When you create an atmosphere of Seattle and behave in a way that let’s him know he has to come to Seattle to be with you, and he does GENUINELY come to Seattle, it means that he thinks you’re worth the time to at least explore Seattle.  The bonus is that once he’s invested the time (if he stuck around we’re assuming he likes what you’re giving) he will not be prone to easily walk out on his investment, YOU!

So tread lightly and don’t sex him down on date 2!

Please, please, please understand that I am not against sex.  I am not advising any woman to not have sex when she wants to and with whom she wants to.  All I’m saying is that you need to be clear when you lay it down and be able to pick it up after the deed is done.

Can you be too quick to have sex?  It still depends.

 

The post Is Sex “Too Quick” A Real Thing? It Depends. appeared first on Kaye Wright.

The Difference Between Self Esteem And Self Confidence

Self Esteem vs. Self Confidence

“If one more person says that, I will literally die.”  The level of frustration was overwhelming.  The new wave of ‘consciousness’ had brought with it a slew of overused, inaccurate and severely misunderstood phrases and terms.

From the things I read, to the things I saw, to the things shoved down my throat by way of advertisements, SELF ESTEEM had found it’s way onto my shit list.  I was completely OVER it!  Like lots of things before and since, the term had somehow been associated with any and every damn thing.  If someone dropped out of school, it was because she had low self esteem.  If a woman’s husband cheated, it was because she had low self esteem.  If person A earned less money than person B, then person A had low self esteem.  Irrespective of any other possible contributing factors, it felt like all things not positive were associated with self esteem.  A dog could have run away from home and some way, some how, the term low self esteem would’ve crept into the analysis of why it happened.

It was ridiculous.  As I do with lots of things I either observe or encounter, that don’t make sense to me, I questioned why and where the phenomenon came from.  It seemed to me that it was one of the terms born from the self-help movement that stuck because it appeared to fit so many different scenarios.

As socialized humans, we love to find ways to redirect attention away from ourselves.  Bad attention, that is.  Many times, even without being aware of it, we will create acceptable ways of laying blame for our misfortunes on outside factors.  Low Self Esteem was the perfect vehicle.  It became known as a problem that needed to be tackled, treated and cured.  In the interim, while it was being ‘conquered,’ the problems of one’s life were put on hold because the person was ‘working on it.’  That’s another phrase that works my damn nerves to no end.  But that’s a whole other post.

When I looked into self-esteem, I found a shit load of psycho babble about how it was meant to describe how an individual viewed their own worthiness.  Outside of that definition, which took a long time to find because I had to wade through all the residual self-help products associated with annihilating low self esteem, there was very little information available about the difference between worthiness and self esteem.  So I concluded that self esteem was basically whether a person feels they deserve … fill in the blank.  Ok, moving on.

After that realization, I went back and applied my definition of self worth to the areas I saw the ‘problem’ of lack of self esteem being most overused.  As I had suspected, shit didn’t line up.  The thing was that most people do feel like they deserve or are worthy of what it is they don’t yet have.  Again, fill in the blank.  If you ask someone, do you feel you deserve to live in a nice home?  They will likely answer, yes.  Do you feel you are worthy of earning a salary commensurate with your skill or ability? You’d be hard-pressed to get a negative response to that question.  So that leads us to WTF?

If self worth is equivalent to self esteem and people DO, in fact, feel they are worthy of … fill in the blank, then why the hell are we diagnosing every perceived failure or lack of maximization of potential, as low self esteem?  Cuz just like with Uggs and Crocs, people have simply fallen for the BS.

Low self esteem ain’t what’s wrong with you.  On my sideline quest for the realness behind the fad, I came across a term that piqued my interest.  My interest was piqued simply because the term and it’s implications made sense to me.  Lack of self confidence presented itself as a much more accurate and applicable label.  And further, it was something that could be easily identified and improved upon.  Another thing I liked about the self confidence approach was that it did not divert attention or blame away from the individual.  Instead, it pointed the finger directly at the individual and said, You are not confident in your ability, so you haven’t achieved.  Point blank period.  But just after the initial jolt of that revelation, lack of self confidence applied a soothing balm with the follow up, However, you can gain self confidence and then you’ll be a’ight.

Self confidence is defined as your security in your ability to produce a certain result.  Think of it in simple terms.  If you know how to ride a bike, and someone sits a bike in front of you and says, ride this down the street and I’ll give you $100.00.  You automatically think, oh wow I have a hundred dollars.  Your security in your ability to pedal, balance and move the bike forward is set in stone.  You have no doubt that you can ride the bike.  That security is independent of any thought you may have about whether or not you are worthy of riding a bicycle or receiving the $100.00.  You are confident in your ability, your ride the bike down the street, do not pass GO and you collect happily your $100.00.

Now, if someone pulled up with a bull and said, ride this bull for 30 seconds and I’ll give you $1,000.00.  For purposes of this demonstration, let’s assume that you are not a bull rider.  You would not have the seemingly automated response you had about the prior offer, oh wow I have a thousand dollars.  The difference in response and your possible failure in obtaining the $1,000.00 has absolutely nothing to do with your self esteem, but instead, it has everything to do with your self confidence, your security in your own ability to stay atop a bull for 30 seconds.  You are unsure, afraid and after realizing you will likely fail, you walk away from the offer and do not collect the $1,000.00.

Do you feel worthy of $100.00?  Sure.  How about $1,000.00?  Probably so.  If the situations above related to the salary you earned for say, being a consultant, many, many, many, wrong ass people would attribute you walking away from the bull riding offer as an indication of low self esteem or some deep seated issues you have with receiving $1,000.00 instead of the lower $100.00.  No such a thang.  No such a thang.

Lack of Confidence or Low Self Esteem?

If you took bull riding lessons your entire child hood and you knew how to ride a bike, you would tackle both offers with the same level of security. You would also likely walk away with $1,100.00.  If this information is applied to life situations, you could see where women in bad relationships, or workers who don’t ask for and receive a raise, or individuals who drop out of college or a myriad of other supposed failures, really are displaying their lack of confidence in the ability to produce a different outcome.  With that being said, you could see how gaining confidence by learning how to successfully produce a desired outcome, would lead to different choices across the board.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it is always easy or simple to gain confidence in your abilities, I’m only saying it’s possible and far more practical than ‘working on’ self esteem for 20 damn years when you may already feel worthy.  I’m just saying.

The book, The Confidence Code, written by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, goes into much more detail than I have in this post.  They also offer loads and loads of scientific data and first hand interviews with many successful women who speak to how self confidence propelled them or held them back in different endeavors over the years.  I also mentioned this book in my post, 5 Reasons Victims of Domestic Violence Stay, where I talked about the lack of confidence victims often feel because of the psychological abuse they often endure.

Interestingly enough, the text book definition of self-esteem is: self-respect; worthiness; self-confidence.  Society has taken the term and modified it’s meaning in a way that makes it a crutch instead of a tool.  The definition of self confidence is: confidence in oneself and in one’s powers and abilities.  I think it has also been modified in a way that takes away it’s power.  You can learn how to produce a certain result.  And once you learn, you know forever.  You also know that you can learn the next thing and the next thing and the next thing.  It is a very empowering concept.

What are some other terms that have been skewed?

 

Click here for a FREE download of my book MESSY MARVIN.  It’s a true story of how I survived a horrible situation.  I didn’t have self esteem or self confidence when I endured that situation.

The post The Difference Between Self Esteem And Self Confidence appeared first on Kaye Wright.

Will Sex Ever Turn Into Respect or A Relationship?

Will Sex Ever Turn Into A Relationship

“I like having sex with her.  She’s cool.” As can be the case during conversations with men, I suspected there was something just under the surface of that superficial answer.  I decided to pry.

“So, you would be with her?”  I already knew the answer to my question, but it was a means to an end.

“Be with her how?”  As if there are multiple ways to ‘be’ with someone.  He was playing stupid, but again, it was fine.  There was a method to my madness.  I continued.

“You know damn well what I mean.  Be with her like, take her out in public, spend time and money, meet her family. You said she was cool.”

“Oh, like that?  Hell naw.  She cool for what we do and all, but yeah, nah I’m not trying to make her my woman or anything like that.”  Umm hmm.  I knew he was being manish.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.  I’m just not feeling her like that.  I don’t feel like I want her to be in my life long term or anything. She just…a’ight.  She’s cool.” Boooyah!  And there it was.  The truth of the matter.  He was just out there getting his peen wet.  I felt for ole girl, whoever she was, but I wanted more insight for my own selfish purposes.

“Is it a respect thing?  Are there levels of respect and she just doesn’t meet the criteria or what?”  That was really the heart of my question.  I thought that a man couldn’t respect a woman that he saw as only being good enough for sex.

“I respect her.  I wouldn’t ever be disrespectful to her.  I don’t see her like a female that should be disrespected.” Interested, I pressed on.

“Could her status with you ever change?”

“Umm, it could.” Now, my friend was an over analytical type.  I figured he was answering in terms of  – in the realm of all worldly possibilities.

“Has that shit every really happened?  In your life?  Have you ever gone from sex with a woman to respect enough to make her your woman?”  He chuckled.

“Well, nah.”

Like I said, my thoughts were that a man had only 2 categories of women.  Respect and Disrespect.  In my mind, anything that is less than what your best is, is disrespectful.  If you are only screwing me and never intend on things going any farther than that, it’s disrespectful.  I have learned over time that there are many more categories that one can fall into when it comes to men and women being involved with one another.

One friend of mine explains it as a box.  There are check marks inside the box.  The more checks a female gets inside the box, the closer she moves to him opening himself up to her emotionally and investing in a relationship. There are also check marks outside the box.  Those are checks that are nice to have, but are not essential to relationship status.  Most THOTS have many check marks … outside the box.  Womp womp womp.

From what I’ve come to understand, he is either feeling you or not.  There is no way to elevate your status.  You can, however, knock yourself down a few pegs by doing certain things or by behaving a certain way.  For instance, if you’re a 10 in his eyes, you can flirt with his friend and knock yourself down to a solid 6.  You cannot, though, be a 6 and do something so impressive that you move yourself up in ranks to a 10.  It ain’t gonna happen.

That theory leads me to believe that a lot of the popular and sometimes dead on, dating advice floating around now, is aimed at women who are in the 10 position.  If you find a guy who sees you as a 10, this is how to remain in that spot and command a man’s best. The goal should be to ferret out the bums and find the guy or guys who see you as a 10 and from there, you begin to apply the rules.  All of this only matters if you want to end up in a relationship.  If you want to hoe around and be queen THOT, then by all means, do what you do, the way you do it.

I, myself learned this the hard way.  There are so many things I see now about the way I dated wrong in the past.  And it’s all good, because now I can pass on what I’ve learned.  My pain was not in vain.  As controversial as it may be, Steve Harvey’s book, Straight, No Chaser brings home the points I am trying to make.  A super brief breakdown of the basis of that book is, if he sees you as a 10, this is how he will show it, and if he shows it, this is how you can prevent effing it up.  He’s talking to women, about men.  There are things I disagree with, but the overall idea, I think is dead on.  I will admit that I didn’t read his other book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, but I’m sure there were some takeaway gems in that one as well.

Think about it this way, have you ever re-respected someone?  If someone does something awful enough that you genuinely loose respect for them as a person, do you ever really regain that same level of respect for them?  Prolly not.  I haven’t.  Same thing for men.  If there is something (whatever it is doesn’t matter) that causes a guy not to see you as his ’10’ then there is nothing you can do to change that.  IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.  So just let it go and move on toward the guy that’s out there who thinks you are the baddest bitch.  It beats trying to defy the odds.

Have you ever moved from bed buddy to bride-to-be?

Click here for a FREE download of my book Messy Marvin.

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Why We Teach Girls To Chase Marriage

We Teach Girls to Chase Marriage

“So, what’s wrong with you?” My brow immediately furrowed.  I couldn’t believe he had just asked me such a rude question.

“What’s wrong with you? ”  I was offended and pissed, so I threw the rudeness back at him.  Then the thoughts of what else I could say to convey my anger flooded my mind.  He was not the one to talk.  Physically, he was just – ‘ok’.  From what he was wearing, he looked to be no richer than the next working class dude.  His body was mediocre and overall, he looked dusty, his hair was uneven…

“Me? I’m a man.  It’s not the same for us.  I don’t have to answer that question, like you do.”  He was serious and he was stupid.  Who, in their right mind, would say something so inflammatory while on a date?  I sat there for the next 20 minutes trying to think of how I could get up and leave without ‘You’re really fucking stupid’ coming out of my mouth.

During that 20 minutes, he went on to tell me how there had to be something wrong with any woman who was over the age of 28 and single.  The crazy thing was, he was 35 and had never been married his damn self.

Before that blatant outburst, I hadn’t realized how much of a stigma was attached to unmarried women, even though I was an unmarried woman myself.

I labeled that date – The Douchebag Dinner.  The DBD got me to thinking.  I began to poll friends of mine.  Both males and females.  I quickly learned that there was an outright, unwritten rule of sorts floating around.  When it came to the way society viewed men, women and marriage, women clearly bore the burden.  To my surprise, I heard stories from female friends of mine about how they had been taught, or groomed, to be considered suitable for marriage.  They were sent the message very young that a man should choose them to be his wife.  And further, in order for that to happen, a woman had to conduct herself in a way that was acceptable to a man and to society.

That shit was news to me.  I simply did not know I was supposed to be out here behaving in compliance with rules I wasn’t even aware of.  I have older brothers who were married.  I asked what their thoughts were and again, the same message was conveyed.

The realization that people would think something was wrong with me because I couldn’t attract a husband, really floored me.  Especially when I considered all the duds I had encountered out in the dating world.  Was I just supposed to settle for one of those guys so that society would deem me worthy and accept me?

As I got older, the question of why I didn’t have a husband continued to dig at me.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t adverse to marriage.  I wanted to find that right someone and create a life together, but I also knew that I wanted to still be happy with my husband 20 years down the line.  As friends and loved ones began marrying at what seemed like turbo speed around me, the feelings of not fitting in started to get to me.  I began feeling like everyone else was right, and there truly was something wrong with me, because I hadn’t been chosen by a man yet.  A sadness set in.

Time passed and I slowly started to see that the thing I coveted was not so grand after all.  Lots of people who were married were just that.  Married.  They weren’t necessarily happy.  Eventually I began to understand that marriage in and of itself didn’t equal happiness or even satisfaction.  I have to admit, it made me feel a little better.  My new revelation meant there was still hope for me to find happiness, which meant I could peacefully stop chasing marriage for myself.

I saw how mundane their lives seemed.  The ones who had been praised for ‘finding a husband.’ I paid attention to co-workers, family members and friends and it didn’t seem like their lives were better than mine in any particular day-to-day kind of way.  Those observations led me to question why it seemed that landing the ring was made to be such a big deal.  I watched and questioned even more than I had before.

Should girls aspire to marriage

I found out that we actually teach girls to chase marriage.  From very early on, marriage and being chosen by a man is presented as something for girls to aspire to.  The focus isn’t on happiness or even finding the mate who is most fitting, but rather, it’s just on GETTING THE RING!  But why though?

I still don’t have a definitive answer.  The best I can come up with is, because it’s always been done that way.  Or maybe, to prevent being an outcast.  Who knows?  I’m still not opposed to marriage.  I think it’s a marvelous thing.  But, I think we would be better served and more productive in life if society taught girls to focus on developing their God given gifts and talents and finding a partner who is best suited to help them along that path.  But, I could be completely off the mark here.  I think I’m closer to the truth than most, though.

Author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie gave an amazing TED talk about feminism.  During her talk, she touches on the way society teaches girls to aspire to marriage and how that creates competition.  Girls and women compete with one another for the attention of men.  She talks about how girls are taught to reach for the sky, all the while being sent the message that it is not ok to reach too high because it is not appealing to men.  But even more detrimental, girls are taught that they should aspire to marry simply because of their gender.  If you want to read more, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s bio can be found on Goodreads, along with more information about her other books.  You can check out my profile on Goodreads as well.

From fairytales to songs to music to movies, the message to girls is a dominant and hard hitting one that seems to be based in fear of rejection.

Were you taught this lesson?  Do you have daughters?  What messages are you sending them about marriage?

Click here to download your FREE chapters of my book Messy Marvin.

The post Why We Teach Girls To Chase Marriage appeared first on Kaye Wright.

How To Move On When An Apology Is Not Enough

How To Move On When An Apology Isn’t Enough

“How did I not know all this? Oh my God! Girl, I’m so sorry.” In shock, she offered a heartfelt apology.

“I don’t know. I mean, it wasn’t something that I talked about. Plus, you were living out of town at the time so it was really easy to hide. It’s not like you should have known. Nobody really knew.”

My best friend sat dumbfounded. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she surfed through dates and events long since passed. She had just learned of the terror I lived in for over a year at the hands of an ex boyfriend of mine.

“Dang. I just can’t believe it was that bad and I didn’t have a clue. That’s crazy.”

“Yeah.  Well, it’s over now and in the past. I’m just glad it’s behind me and that I made it out ok. A lot of people don’t.”

We both thought of the ones we knew who had not made it out. Or, the ones who had made it out, but wore life long scars.  We felt sorrow for them.

I knew those who loved me were terribly sorry that I had endured an abusive relationship.  My best friend had just told me how sorry she was that she didn’t know it had happened to me.  My abuser even told me he was sorry, several times.  So when is an apology not enough?  And When do you need to let go anyway?

I was one of the ones I considered lucky. I knew the horrors of what could be.  Tears streamed down my face as I watched Evelyn Lozada on her new show on OWN – Livin’ Lozada the other night. In one of her testimonials, Evelyn cries for the women who are not lucky enough to make it out of their violent relationships. When she said, ‘Not everybody makes it out’ I was right there with her. The feelings of compassion were in my heart and hers, simultaneously. The night I left my abuser was positively one of the scariest nights of my life. That night I mustered more courage than I was aware I had. Little did I know, there would be a confrontation between myself and Messy Marvin that would require even more courage on my part.

After weeks of being apart and me beginning to allow security to have a place in my life, I was faced with my abuser’s rage and irrational need for control on a lonely and dark street in the middle of the night. I thought I might die at his hands that night. But, I didn’t and I lived to tell the harrowing tale years later, in my book.

As I wrote, events and memories and even physical emotions came back to me. Those were things I had long since buried away and by and large, dismissed. Parts of me still retained some of the bitter taste that relationship had left in my mouth. But, for the most part, I had truly moved on. Messy Marvin was not something that occupied space in my mind on a regular basis.

Recently, with the release of the new movie Straight Outta Compton chronicling the rise of the group N.W.A., there came publically acknowledged accusations of abuse between Dr. Dre and former girlfriends of his. Although I absolutely sympathize with any survivor or domestic violence, I did wonder when letting go of past hurts, no matter how horrific, would be appropriate. How long is too long to hold on to the hurt? And further, what is considered enough penance for an abuser to pay? Should he be publicly stoned? Should I cry and hurt for a decade? Two? Three? Where the hell is Sway with my damn answers? He still ain’t got ’em, huh?

When An Apology Isn’t Enough

Moving on is an overused phrase, in my opinion. It has become particularly popular with the infusion of superficial distractions that have infused society as of late. People now use catch phrases and “psycho babble” terms to give the impression that all is well, when in reality they are suffering and dying inside.

For me, the question of GENUINELY moving one, is a monumental one. How does a woman move on? I don’t know what will work for each and every individual, but for me, I had to accept what happened. I had to accept the role I played in the sequence of events. That meant, the bad, like allowing myself to be mistreated in such ways. That also meant, the good, like digging deep and finding the strength to risk death by leaving once I was in it. I also had to forgive my abuser. What that looked like for me was releasing the need to experience him suffer. I don’t have any desire to see harm or even punishment come to Messy Marvin. After all, it’s about me.

I think 20 years is a very long time. Sharing your story can be cathartic and it is definitely inspiring and encouraging for others who may also be familiar with your pain. Don’t misunderstand me, wrong is wrong and that half-assed, politically correct, I’m gonna acknowledge it, but not fully, apology-but-not-really – statement – was some BS. But, at some point, you have to just let it go, and forgive. And as cliché as it sounds, you have to move on.

When you let go, it means you don’t look back. SO even if a movie comes out, you don’t feel compelled to dive back into the misery of it all. Besides, you should be busy living your new life. Your life that is about you and not your Skeletor looking abusive ex-boyfriend.

When is it time to let go and let an apology be enough?

The post How To Move On When An Apology Is Not Enough appeared first on Kaye Wright.

Why Men Turn Into Bitches When You Leave

What turns a man into a bitch?

I stumbled into the living room of our tiny apartment as I ran away from Marvin’s crazy ass.  That night the fight had escalated to a level I hadn’t experienced before.  There had been incidents of him flipping out on me before, even hitting me, but that night was different.  Death was closer to me than it been before and it scared me.

That night, I made a decision to leave.  It was pouring down raining outside, but I had to get the hell outta there.  At the bottom of the stairs, while he was crying like a baby, this same man who had beat the crap out of me and threatened to kill me, more than once, was begging me to stay.  He had been a monster to me, but the night I decided I had been through enough and was ready to leave, there he sat whimpering like a 2 year old toddler.  With a snotty nose and wet face, he begged me to stay.  (Get the full story in my book Messy Marvin.)

What the hell is it?  How do they go from boss to bitch?

This same foolishness that inspired my last post, stirred the pot for this one as well.  I have pondered many things on many separate occasions, but one recurring theme has been Why Men Turn Into Bitches When You Leave?

I’m sure there are countless women who have grown tired of the straight BS and have packed their bags (and their children’s bags) and hit the road – Jack.

Contrary to popular belief, it takes a lot for a woman to allow herself to love you when you are less than “sensational.” But, as women, we do tend to look beyond a man’s faults and see the good that dwells within him.  That’s usually the thing that gets us.  The tug at our heart strings exists simply because we can see the good in a bad situation.  In retrospect, that seems like it’s a flawed thing, sometimes.  But the truth of the matter is that what you focus on will grow.  When a woman focuses on the good in a man, plenty of times that good will grow exponentially.  But then a mofo will get too big for his britches and start tripping on you.  Then you have to make the decision:  should I stay or should I go?

So if the above is true, imagine how much garbage it takes for that same woman that saw the good, to actually pick up and move.  Imagine what it takes for her to uproot her child(ren), herself and to upset the balance of her entire life to leave.  When that decision is made, a woman has to be some kind of unhappy.  I get it.  I do.  What I don’t get, though, is why it seems that the man never sees this coming?  How could he not?  Do men think women are content to accept mediocrity once they are in love?  Is it that men don’t even get that deep, because they simply don’t ponder these things at all?  Are they acting unconsciously?  What the heck is it?

I could be wrong, but then again, I could be dead on.  I think the real issue is a deep seeded one.  Love and relationships make people do some crazy things.  And some of those things are understandably crazy if you examine where the person is coming from.  In a relationship a person’s most hidden insecurities will show themselves.  This is true for both men and women.  More than show themselves, sometimes, the are  floating across the night’s sky in neon green highlighter.  Bright as ever.  When insecurities surface, feelings of vulnerability can take over.  When that happens, a person will do almost anything to dim the light of their shortcomings.

I’ve seen relationships where men respond to the discomfort of vulnerability in ways that would blow your mind.  Their behavior, in that state, is in complete contrast to the masks they wear on a daily basis.  For some men, a state of vulnerability equals a lack of status.  If he sees himself as the ‘man’ and as the leader and the head, his insecurities being out in the open can seem like the woman has trumped him within their relationship.  Then fear sets in.  That can lead him to thoughts that this woman who once saw so much good in him, will not want to be with a man she is above.  A man who is flawed and cannot lead.   Some of this may be conscious, but a lot of it may simply be going on subconsciously for a man in the situation.

I referenced an article by Dr. Phil in my post, 3 Reasons You Keep Ending Up In Bad Relationships.  He has some insights that are worth checking out if you really are looking to understand how men behave in relationships.  In that article, highlights about how men are socialized to be strong, apt leaders, sheds some light on why men don’t do well with vulnerability.  When those basic attributes he has associated with his entire life, are called into question, there is gon’ be trouble, trouble.  I also write about this phenomenon in my book Messy Marvin, where the man who was abusing me would loose his sh_t when he felt that any weaknesses he had, were being exposed.

While this pot may be silently simmering in a man’s world, the woman is simply tired of the BS and may make the decision to leave, due to the new dynamic.  She is fully within her rights to leave if she so chooses.  If that is the decision, so be it.  A man could just as easily and rightfully make the same decision if he found himself displeased with the goings-on in his relationship with his woman.

But back to what the post is about, the bitch-assness that shows itself when a woman makes that move.  It baffles me.  I am amused and amazed by it each time I see it happen.  Or each time I have experienced it happen.  You know I only say it cuz I’m truly genuine.

Women, on the other hand from men, are socialized to be resilient when it comes to matters of emotions and vulnerability.  We take a licking and keep on ticking. Over time we adapt and we learn how to deal with the aftermath of an emotional setback.  We develop skills and become masters of keeping it moving.  When other girls are catty and fall out with us, we curse them out, build ourselves back up, meet some new friends and call it a day.  Men break our hearts and we cry, moan, beg and plead, then we find a guy who worships the ground we walk on, and we deal with it and move on.  Not that our ways are perfect, we are just more accustomed to bouncing back after something makes us feel vulnerable and exposed. Men?  Not so much.  The result?  They act like bitches when we leave them.

This recent backlash, acting out and tantrum like behavior, that now has folks in court asking for full custody and lawyers billing out the ass, is uncalled for.  It’s a shame.  But it will not be the last we hear of this type thing, unfortunately.

Have you ever seen a man go from boss to bitch?  What triggered the switch?

The post Why Men Turn Into Bitches When You Leave appeared first on Kaye Wright.

How Many Licks Does It Take… For You To Become A Whore?

How Many Licks Does It Take… For You To Become A Whore?

What makes a woman a whore?

My friend entered the room with a bow legged walk.  She gingerly lowered her bottom onto the seat.  When our eyes met, I raised my eyebrows into a question mark.  She answered by simply shaking her head in a ‘no’ motion.

“Girl!  What the hell happened?”  We had lost each other the night before as a result of a set of crazy and unfortunate circumstances.

“You would not believe how big this dude’s junk is.  Like, for real.  It’s huge!”

“Damn you gave him some ass last night?”  I was shocked even though I was well aware that my friend was a little loose, to put it nicely.

She replied proudly, “I did.”  Although others labeled her a whore, my friend was completely self-aware.  She knew exactly what she was doing.  Every time she slept with a guy, she was doing what she wanted to do.  What she felt in the moment.

What does it take for a woman to be considered a whore? Is there a quantifiable number of lovers a woman has to bed in order to qualify for the illustrious title?  Wanna know what the masses say?  I took the liberty of looking up the definition of the word whore.  I didn’t want to chance things by looking up ‘hoe’ – reading IS fundamental ya know.  According to Webster, a whore is: “(noun) – a woman who engages in sexual acts for money; also a promiscuous or immoral woman.”  Y’all can go to the Urban Dictionary on your own.  I will not take any part in that.  This still doesn’t help, because I thought that was a THOT.

The recent Tomfoolery surrounding a female celebrity, her son and her new boo really got me to thinking: Is every woman who likes to get her back cracked regularly a hoe? What if she likes variety when it comes to her back crackers?  And why is it assumed that women are getting played every time they give up some ass?  We are grown.  We know what we’re doing here folks!

This chick simply introduced her son to the man she is dating and people really lost their minds.  And by people, I mean mostly insecure men.  She didn’t do a public strip tease for him or ‘leak’ a sex tape of her getting banged out.  All she did was go to the man’s practice with her baby boy and BAM! Just like that, you’s a hoe! How in THEE hell?

I was offended for her.  She isn’t even screwing the dude (according to what she says) and she’s publicity dated fewer men than most of us did in college.  Give the girl a break.  And even though I felt this was all some straight up BS, I kept wondering though, is she a hoe?  If so, who decided?  Can men be hoes too?  Cuz Lawd knows they stick peen to 10 times as many women as we see men in our beds.  Where is Sway?  We can sit together with no answers, because I’m confused.

That same friend of mine, once tell me flat out that she was a nypho.  I damn near fell out of my chair.  I felt so bad for her.  I thought, she will never get married or be respected.  But, au contraire mon amie.  It never seemed to slow her down or even tarnish her shine.  On the other hand, I’ve known women who have barely let 1 man touch them and ended up pregnant and labeled for life.  That goes to show that obviously I don’t know what measuring stick is being used to come up with the label of whore or who.  It must not be merely how many men you sleep with.  Then, is it how frequently you accept new peen into your deep dark crevice?  What gives?  Is it how freaky deeky you are once the man is in your bed?  And whatever the rules are, who made them up?  Can I talk to him?  It had to be a dude.  No woman would have created this system.  It’s too flawed.

I’ve recently seen slut walks organized in the name of  this new thing called ‘slut shaming’ and it all perplexes me.  I understand that some women want to be held on an equal plane as men when it comes to their sexual … conquests.  I get that.  Men can screw every thing with a hole and it’s all good.  Praise worthy even.  But as soon as a woman gets her freak on she’s suddenly no longer capable of being a good parent, teacher or wife.  I definitely see where the frustration at the double standard arises.  I still don’t know if I’m marching on behalf of sluts, though.  (I watched Selma this morning, so it just doesn’t seem right.  Sorry, ask me again in a month.) They’re a step beneath hoes, right?  Who the hell knows? SWAYYYY!

What does it take for a woman to be considered a whore?

 

 My opinion is, who you are banging in your bed (or theirs), is your business.  It’s yours, and the other willing participant’s business only.  Whatever y’all do, is what y’all do.  If no innocents are harmed, hell, go for it!  Wrap glo sticks around your balls and have a jolly good time.  It makes no difference to me if I’m not there.  So, if we start there, with it being only YOUR business, how would anyone know how many folks you have been with, or what y’all did together, or if they paid you?  Unless somebody is running their damn mouth, there should be no numerical way to determine your hoe-ness.  In other words, do you boo.

Now on the other hand, if you straight bed hop, my dear, word will indeed get around as it tends to do when something is cheap and easy (see all the ‘celebrities’ on Instagram: free to create an account CHEAP and simple to scam folks into believing you’re famous EASY).  In that instance, others may have an idea of your body count.  But, still, does their approximate knowledge give them all the necessary authority and judgment to label you a whore?  I think not.  And what if you’ve stopped bed hopping by the time the word gets out? nIs it retroactive?  Can you redeem yourself at any point?  Again, I need to have several seats with Sway, so I can ask him how.

At the end of the day, the people who are talking trash about whores probably have done worse than what they’re condemning these women for.  Live your life.  Hell, you only get one life.

What behavior do you think constitutes being called a whore?

 

The post How Many Licks Does It Take… For You To Become A Whore? appeared first on Kaye Wright.

3 Main Reasons You Keep Ending Up In Bad Relationships

Reasons You Keep Getting Into Bad Relationships

3 Main Reasons You Keep Ending Up In Bad Relationships

Why and how do you keep ending up in bad relationships?  Ever asked yourself this question?  If so, keep reading…

For the longest time I believed that simply by progressing chronologically, a person would somehow acquire the tools and skills necessary to ‘get it together.’  In my mind, I had markers for when folks should have certain parts of their lives perfected.  By 28 your professional life should be on track; by 35 your financial and personal relationships should be great; and by 40, my God, by 40 you should simply be coasting through the rest of your time here on Earth.

Needless to say, by the time I reached 28 and realized I was ‘off track’ by my own definition, I let go of that misguided notion.  Even though I learned that my barometer was off, I still found that there was no set chronological age by which a person figured out any damn thing.  That led me to ponder why I repeatedly found myself reliving similar life situations over and over.   I also noticed that I wasn’t the only one.

Friends who had always had family issues, continued to have those type issues.  Those who seemed to regularly struggle professionally, still had not hit the mark after years of trial and error, either.  But, of all the topics, the one of particular interest to me was romantic relationships.  If you’ve read my post on why I wrote my book Messy Marvin, you know that I was in an extremely abusive relationship at a young age.  And although I learned the warning signs of abusive men, I continued to struggle with finding a mate that brought me real happiness.

Not too long ago, I read a piece titled Man-ual.  It was written by Dr. Phil and it sparked my desire to set out on a quest to figure out what it was that I, and many others, were doing wrong in seeking out romantic love.  Since then, I have devoured countless hours of information and I do think I have a much better understanding of why we keep ending up in bad relationships.  Below are 3 of my main takeaways.

1. Society has set you up for failure.

Here’s the deal: most of what we are socialized to believe about romantic relationships and their purpose is complete BS.  From princess cartoons and bedtime stories, to romantic movies that end happily ever after, to the version of events our closest friends tell us about their real-life relationships — it is all A LIE!  The best definition I have come across about what a relationship is truly meant to be is by author of Seat of The Soul, Gary Zukav  —  A “partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth.”  That is a long way from the idea that we are to search and search until we find a partner who can telepathically sense our needs and magically fulfill them all, and by doing so, make us feel and be complete so that we can then get back to that cruise control notion we discussed above.  Girl, bye!  Not going to happen.  If, instead, we began our search with the mindset that we are searching for a partner who can help us reach our full potential and  who we can help fulfill their full potential, we would be in a much better position to reach our goal of romantic happiness.  No one can read your mind.  No one can give you everything you think you need to be happy.  It’s a fantasy, it’s immature and it’s impractical.

Why You End Up In Bad Relationships

2. Your brain is rigged against you.

These cells ain’t loyal.  I’m not gonna get too deep here, because a brief explanation will likely do.  As much as you don’t want to accept it, your childhood impacts the rest of your life.  Now that we’ve got that out of the way, back to the issue at hand.  As a child you experienced lack in some area.  No matter how terrific your parents were, there was one day or time when you wanted them to look you directly in the eye and they were busy or you wanted a hug and instead got a peck on the forehead.  Your psychological needs within a relationship will be dependent upon where your level of neglect falls on the spectrum.  So basically, your relationship is the place your brain unconsciously leads you to fix what is broken about your childhood.  It sounds bad, but it really is a good thing.  Think of it this way, the sooner you can fix your bugs, the sooner you will reach your full potential and contrary to popular belief, that’s the only real way to reach cruise control.

3. You think you know what you want, but you really don’t.

Remember the MTV tag line, ‘You think you know, but you have no idea.”  Well, that’s what your  brain is saying to you behind your back.  When you are seeking a partner, your unconscious (child) mind is really in control.  That’s why you find yourself attracted to who you are attracted to.  It’s the reason you choose men who deep down inside possess the same or very similar qualities.  It’s like being stuck in a time warp.  Until you recognize the real issues and address them, you will always be attracted to the same type partner.  Beneath it all, your mind is looking for that hug instead of that peck on the cheek and that look directly into your eyes instead of a busy backside.  So, even though you think it’s his wash board abs or his deep conversation or how sweet he is to you when throw a temper tantrum, really you are looking for your mama or daddy and if you give it long enough you will find that because you aren’t driven by what you think are driven by.

You keep finding yourself in bad relationships and it’s nature’s way of trying to force you into the direction you need to go to become your most complete self.  How did I find this out?  Great question.  I read a book by Harville Hendrix.  He has spent over 30 years studying human relationships and then implementing what he learns in his own relationship with his wife.   The book I took the most from was Finding and Keeping Love, however, his most popular book Getting The Love You Want, was equally informative and enlightening.

To sum things up, adjusting your mindset about the purpose of a relationship, acknowledging your unconscious emotional needs and recognizing that you have to heal those wounds before you will be able to grow and help your partner grow, are all things that will get you moving in the direction you need to be headed to find your fulfilling romantic relationship.

Does any of this make sense?  Have you found your perfect relationship yet?

The post 3 Main Reasons You Keep Ending Up In Bad Relationships appeared first on Kaye Wright.

Why I Wrote An Entire Book About Getting My Ass Beat

Why I Wrote An Entire Book About Getting My Ass Beat

Why I Wrote Messy Marvin

One evening, I was on the phone chatting with a close friend of mine.  As usual, the conversations bounced around and we covered the gamut of topics from Michele Obama’s haircut, to the latest handbag design, to how people survive in sexless marriages for decades without going insane.  At some point, the topic of domestic abuse made its way into the chatter that clogged our atmosphere that night.  She made an off-handed witty comment about women who find themselves victimized by men they are romantically involved with being of a certain socioeconomic class.  There may have also been some reference to trailer parks and trash.  I can’t quite remember.  What I do remember, is that something inside me responded to her remark and I felt my face and hands go hot.

My friend knew first hand that I had experienced being hit by a man I dated years earlier.  She also knew my background and that I had not come from a broken home or a park with trailers that people lived in.  A part of me was very surprised by her nonchalant attitude toward domestic abuse.  Another part of me felt extremely offended that a woman who had been hit by her partner, but who was not categorized as poor or uneducated, would have her experience minimized in the minds of others.  My experience had been very real and in fact, it had changed me forever.

By the time I got my wits about myself again, my friend was already on to the next topic, but I stopped her and asked her some very pointed questions about why she was of the opinion that only poor, uneducated women were true victims of domestic abuse.  She went on to tell me, basically, that the common image of domestic violence victims was one of a weak-minded women with few options who made bad decisions when it came to the men she dated or married.  And furthermore, a different type of woman would easily navigate that situation and find her way out quickly so as not to continue to be victimized.

Domestic Violence Can Happen To Anyone

I knew the impact that single relationship had on my life.  I also knew that my friend was grossly mistaken in her views.  After some questions and answers specific to my own experiences, I realized that I hadn’t ever shared the truths of what being a victim of domestic violence were for me.  My friend only knew that I dated a man (Messy Ass Marvin) who ‘hit me’ because that was the extent of what I had divulged to her or to anyone else.  It was then that I understood how I could use my own story to shift the misguided viewpoint of my dear friend and the countless number of others who thought the way she thought.

My first inclination was to scream my story from the mountaintops.  I quickly gathered up my senses and began to think of more practical ways to get the word out.  While I was sitting in class one night, not paying attention and browsing my Instagram feed, I came across a contest for book submissions.  If selected, the winner would receive a publishing deal.  The contest called for the author to submit the first 3 chapters of their manuscript for consideration.  Right away, I began typing.  I knew  I could write and I decided that writing would be the mode by which I would shed light on the realities of domestic violence that seemed to be going unnoticed.  I quickly penned the first 3 chapters of a book that would become a documentation of me getting my assed kicked mentally AND physically for 2 years, Messy Marvin.

Writing my book, Messy Marvin, was one of the best things I have done for myself in the last 15 years.  Even though I did get the call from that Instagram contest, ultimately, the publishing deal didn’t work out.  After it fell through, I decided to self-publish the book.  My desire was still to give a voice to the victims who looked and felt like me.  I let friends read it (yes even that friend) and the book did exactly what I hoped it would.  By and large the overwhelming response was, “Wow! I never realized it was like that..”  I felt like I was on the right track.  Eyes were being opened because I was sharing my story, truthfully.  I was proud of myself.

So, in response to Why I Wrote An Entire Book About Getting My Ass Beat, it was to show others the raw and unedited truth about domestic abuse.  The truth of the matter is that any woman can find herself in a violent relationship.  The truth is that it is extremely difficult to survive and escape domestic abuse.  The truth is that others have been sold a lie about domestic violence which prohibits them from facing their own truths, and in turn, empowers abusers.  The truth is that someone you know is probably experiencing domestic violence now, but because she doesn’t come from a certain socioeconomic class, you are unavailable to help her because you’re blind to it and quite frankly, ignorant.

The book is raw, it addresses each and every aspect of domestic violence as I experienced it.  I highlight every time he punched me in the face and choked me out.  Each time I was forced to have sex with him after a beating and the night he tried to kill me once I decided I was going to leave.  Messy Marvin, the book, is all that it was meant to be.  To get your copy click here or you can purchase it from Amazon.com.

What other misconceptions are out there about domestic violence?   What type woman do you think falls victim?

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