Kaye Wright's Blog, page 17

Are Married Women More Naive Than Single Women?

Are married women more naïve than single women?

If you are on social media and you want to be entertained, you should probably follow some of the hilarious comedians out there.  One in particular, Lil Duval, cracks me up on a daily basis.  He posts to twitter and Instagram, and for the most part, what he posts is straight comedy.  But, there are the times when he posts things that can be thought provoking.  Some of his tweets are meant to reach out to the young folks out there who are searching for guidance. A lot of what he says are things that I agree with, while some are things that I’m on the fence about.  Then there are times that I vehemently disagree with him.  But who doesn’t that happen to? Such is life.

Recently Lil Duval posted a comment to Instagram and in the caption he said something that went like this:   most married women are a little naïve.  get some cluelessness … cuz you can’t handle the truth.

When I read the caption, I was a little shocked, but immediately after I laughed because as harsh as it sounds, there’s some truth to it.  Understand that not all men fall into the category I’m about to describe.  However, there are some men who would really make women regret being women.  There are some guys who are so wild and so outrageous that a woman who hasn’t been exposed to that would be completely blown away.

I have a lot of brothers.  I’ve witnessed a lot of things that men do.  I also have a lot of male friends.  Men can be a lot sometimes.  The game is real and it is no joke.  And just like with anything, there are levels to the game.  Everything is relative.  I say that to say that there are always gonna be the cornballs who never realize how corny they really are.  They are truly clueless to where they actually fall on the totem pole.  People rarely rise above where they are to take a look around them.  Because they only see what is in their vicinity, they take a gander around and think, “oh I’m the man” but in real life they are living in cornball USA.  Harsh reality.

Other types out there include guys who actually do have real game.  Guys who are attractive or who have some degree of swag.  These guys know how to get in a girls’ drawers.  They know how to mack hoes and get ass, they have a little money and/or success and they have a sense of what it’s like to have women come for them.

Then you have the crème of the crop.  The real ballers or the uber attractive men.  The super rich, the ones who are completely on another level.  At the top of their respective games, both literally and figuratively.  These men have women throwing all morals aside just to get on their dicks.  They don’t even have to make an attempt to get women.  The women are there.  Reared and ready to go at any given moment.  This is the danger zone.  I repeat, this is the danger zone.  These are the guys Duval is referring to.  The things that go on within this realm are BEYOND BELIEF!

This is not fact, but conjecture, however I feel like the men on this level do not have a consciousness about the things the rest of the world sees as wrong in terms of how they interact with women.  It’s not necessarily their fault.  Many times, the way they view women and the way they interact with women is a product of the environment they live in.  Females are just accessories to these kind of men.  Just as you would toss a pair of earrings onto the dresser after you remove them, they throw women around the say way.

The women who are raised by loving, nurturing parents are not exposed to this segment of society. Sure, they may come into contact with a wild guy here or there or maybe in high school, but by and large, they have NO IDEA about the men who treat women like pieces of costume jewelry.

Men can and do behave badly, we know that.  I also know that men do find themselves and they do find their way.  Those same doggy dog men are still human beings who crave companionship and love.  When those men who have been the worst of the worst come to a point where they are ready to have a meaningful relationship with a woman, they don’t want all those tarnished and broken pieces of costume jewelry that lines the dresser top.  They usually find themselves a nice young lady to commit to and build with.

THOSE are the women who are naïve and who are better off remaining that way.  I’ve seen it a thousand times.  The sweet girl who ends up with that guy who has now turned a corner and wants something real.  I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with it, but I do understand Lil’ Duval’s point.  If she only knew, she would not be with that guy.  Even though it’s in his past, it’s so bad, that a knowledgeable woman would not be able to look past it.

So even though it was mean to be a joke, there is some truth to the statement that married women are more naïve than single women. It would be interesting to know what percentage of women who are single are so because they have seen the dark side and aren’t able to get over it and trust that she could have a man who doesn’t have any of that in him.

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What do you think?  Are married women more naïve than single women?  Leave your comments below.

The post Are Married Women More Naive Than Single Women? appeared first on Kaye Wright.

Does Love Deter Sex Outside Of A Relationship?

In Love?  Does Love Deter You From Having Sex With Someone Else?

I once had a man tell me that he had never been in love.  Wondering if he was sure, I asked him if he had ever felt anything for any particular woman.  He explained to me that he thought he might have cared deeply before, but love?  Nah.  I sympathetically asked him what made him so sure he hadn’t experienced love. Think about it, if you’ve never been in love, then you don’t know what it feels like. So maybe you actually have been in love, and you just didn’t recognize it for what it was.

If you’ve never been in love u don’t know what to expect. So maybe you've been in love & didn’t know.
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This man went on to explain to me how he came to the conclusion he’d never been in love because he had never felt deterred from cheating on any one woman he had been involved with.  Not that he had cheated every time the opportunity presented itself, but when he did choose not to cheat, it had nothing to do with the woman he was committed to or the fact that he was committed.  My face was contorted as I listened to what sounded like crazy-talk to me.  He had a follow up theory to help me understand.

He believed that love would be such a force that it would alleviate the desire to cheat.  So much so that even if a beautiful and desirable woman threw herself at him, he would simply say no because the love for the woman he was committed to wouldn’t allow him to even perform.  Hmmm, it was romantic theory if nothing else.  The kind of thing that makes a love story a number one hit at the box office.  Beyond that, I wasn’t so sure about the theory.

A few years later I was in the early euphoric stages of a new relationship.  A friend of mine pegged the rate we were progressing at TURBO speed.  I still laugh now every time I think about it.  During a late night session of making love through the phone, he said the most interesting thing.  He told me that love is what prevents a man from cheating on a woman.  I was dumbfounded.  Not because that was what he believed, but because in my mind, it meant certain death for our romance.  Womp womp womp.

The thing is, I don’t believe in the theory.  Commitment is one thing.  Separate and apart from love.  I believe that your commitment to the relationship is what keeps you faithful.  Anything else invites an atmosphere ripe for cheating.  Deciding to remain faithful is something that shouldn’t be effected by outside forces.  Relying on feelings of love is faulty because even within the most stable relationships, ebbs and flows happen.  I believe you can be in love and have a downward swing in the relationship.  The downward swing might only last for say, 2 weeks, but during that 2 weeks if someone comes along, then BAM! you cheat because the feelings of love weren’t at their height?  I don’t think so.  Commitment is what prevents you from cheating even if things aren’t going so well.

To add fuel to the fire of my disagreement, I believe love and sex are mutually exclusive.  I can be completely in love with someone and then have unattached meaningless sex with someone else.  The love doesn’t change the sex and the sex doesn’t affect any love I may feel for someone else.  I don’t feel that the 2 have anything to do with one another.  Not even remotely close.

Love & sex are mutually exclusive. I can be in love w/some1 & have unattached sex w/some1 else. Right?
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As time has gone on, I’ve heard other people say that they share the same belief about love preventing cheating.  I couldn’t understand it.  I’ve read Dr. M. Gary Neuman’s articles and I’ve watched the videos where he interviewed married men who say they loved their wives, but have cheated.  The men talk about why they cheated and Dr. Neuman talks about what causes men to cheat.  Not one of the men who participated said anything about not loving their wives.  If love prevents cheating, how the hell do you explain this?  Are all these men lying?  Or do they not really love their wives?  Like, what the eff gives?

To further confuse myself, I started doing what I do, polling everybody I can access.  I have a lot of male friends.  I also have a lot of brothers.  And if I needed any more men I could ask, I have a gang of uncles.  When the thought crossed my mind, I so happened to be in the presence of 2 of my uncles and 1 of my brothers.  Let me preface this by breaking down the personalities at play before I go into this and y’all think I’m crazy and my whole family too.

My one uncle, let’s call him Unc 1, is a flat out whore.  He’s a male THOT.  Nasty, will lay down with whatever and his ass is just…yeah.  That’s that one.  My other uncle, Unc 2, however is the complete opposite.  Always has been (according to my mama) responsible, kept to himself, respectful and never been wild like his brother.  He married young, has been with the same woman for 50 leven years, never had drama that anyone knew about and is just an all-around good guy.  My brother, well, he falls somewhere in the middle.  I wouldn’t label him a THOT or a whore, but he’s no angel either.  So those are the three poll-ees.

I posed the question as we stood at the kitchen counter, “What do you think makes a man cheat?”  It was just a teaser to get them talking.  They each gave an opinion about what could contribute to a man’s infidelity, but they all agreed that there was not one single thing that could be pointed to as the end-all be-all reason for cheating.  Ok.  I was cool with that thought.  I’m sure there are multiple factors that contribute to the demise of any relationship and cheating is a form of demise.  Cool.

Then I stirred the pot a bit more and asked if there was anything that could prevent a man from cheating.  Unc 2 immediately said, “Love and commitment.”  WHAT!! I was shocked. Now, the commitment part I could rock with.  I also expected it from him. But, that love shit had me thrown.  Like, really?  He’s so reasonable and sensible and I just knew he would be the one who would solidify that I was right.  Damn, I was way off.

I couldn’t control my response and before the other 2 men could chime in, I had yelled out, “LOVE? That’s crazy!”  Unc 1 thought it was hilarious and he soon had an inside joke type back and forth going with my brother.  Unc 2 noticed it also and said, “Y’all can laugh, but I don’t understand the way you two roll either.  To each his own.”  My head jerked back and forth from Unc 2 over to Unc 1 and my brother who were huddle up together.  They saw how curious I was and put me out of my misery.

“Tell her how you can’t even do it.”  Unc 1 was poking Unc 1 from the other side of the counter.  My responsible Uncle was not phased at all.  He gave a good ole Kanye shrug and continued to sip his drink.  My brother took over and began to tell me the story of how the two Uncs were out togetrh one night when they were younger.  A woman was coming on the Unc 2 and he was not in the mood.  Even though she was gorgeous according to the both of them.  At the time this all happened my Uncle was dating my aunt.  They weren’t married, engaged, nothing.  Just 2 people who were dating.

The chick was about her business and she wouldn’t let it go.  She was grinding up against my Uncle and kissing his neck.  The whole 9.  The highlight of this story was that the girl eventually walked away after my Uncle whispered something in her ear.  The people with him didn’t hear what he said to her.  But, everyone saw her walk away.  When they asked my Uncle what happened, he told them he was tired of her wasting her time and he knew he wouldn’t cheat on my aunt, so he just told her that he was in love with another woman and that it wasn’t going to happen.  Well damn!

I was so confused and disappointed.  If he was on to something, then my theory was wrong as hell.  I hate losing and being wrong is the same thing as losing.  Now, I love LOVE, but I really felt like what I thought about cheating was right and undeniable.  I was desperate for a contradictory answer, but when I looked at the options before me, asking a hoe didn’t seem like the most practical thing.  Hell, he cheated just for the sake of a nut.  He was not the one to look to for backing.  Damn! Damn! Damn!

“But people in love have sex with other folks.  It’s happened before. So love alone cannot be the sole deterrent to cheating.”

My uncle politely broke it down, and broke me down in the process. “You’re looking at it as if there’s an incredible urge to cheat.  Like the Incredible Hulk is inside waiting for an opportunity to bust out.  If that was how it was, then yes, love would not be enough.  But, the thing of it is, I’m not looking to cheat.  It’s not on my mind.  I’m not fighting the feeling.  If something comes up and I have to think about cheating or even consider it, then my thought goes to how much I love my wife and it’s a no brainer.  It’s just like saying no to someone offering you heroin if you’re not a drug user.  The answer is simply ‘no’.”

Cheating is like saying no to someone offering you heroin if you’re not a drug user. The answer is simply no.
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Well, damn then.  I began to realize that my way of looking at cheating and love and relationships was skewed.  Who the hell had messed my mind up?  And when the heck had it happened?  I do not know.  But, what I did know was that I did not walk around on a daily basis trying to convince myself not to get high on heroin.  Wasn’t even something that crossed my mind once a year, so my uncle’s analogy was perfect for helping me understand.

My whole approach had always been one of thinking that a man who was wanting to cheat, would not be deterred by love alone.  Which, is probably true.  However, the man who is not seeking out side coochie, isn’t battling a desire, so love for that guy was indeed enough (probably).

Every man can cheat, but not every man will cheat.  And for the guy looking to be faithful, love is his ally.  It’s a source of strength that can help keep him faithful.  That’s actually a comforting thought.  Situations can create an environment where even the most well intentioned man can begin to look for satisfaction outside the relationship.  That man can be in love with you, but he can also cheat, even though under other circumstances, he would not.

This conversation with my Uncs happened years ago.  Recently I re-asked the question to 3 male friends of mine.  Here is a quick synopsis of what their answers were:

Have you ever cheated on a woman you were in a relationship with?

Yes! (All these fools have strayed.  I need new friends!)


Why?

I was young and wild and didn’t care about the consequences; I wanted to, so I did; I was drunk


Did you love her at the time you cheated?

No; Yes and I felt like shit afterwards; I’m not sure

And just to clown around, here is another video of men explaining why they cheat and how love can deter cheating.

As with most issues of the heart, it pays to know your man and to be honest with yourself about the type of dude you’re sharing yourself with.  Is he an evolved, emotionally mature man?  Is he a boy still?  Does he know himself and have standards he lives by?  What are those standards and do they fit with your own?

Do you think love can prevent sex outside of a relationship? Leave your comments and subscribe to kayewright.com below.

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A Boy A Baby & A Bullet

This post is all about my newest book – A Boy A Baby & A Bullet!

If you’ve read this blog, or have visited my site before, then you are probably aware of my debut novel, Messy Marvin.  That book is something that I’m very proud of.  It was a complete fluke that I ended up writing it and actually turning it into a real book.  I talked about how it came to be in this post.

How I came to be an author

Messy Marvin is a true story that chronicles my involvement in a physically abusive relationship.  In it, I talk about how I missed all the signs of typical domestic violence and how I eventually escaped the grasp my abuser had over my entire life.

Once I finished Messy Marvin and my publishing deal fell through, I was convinced that I could self-publish the book.  Which I did.  I was equally convinced that I wanted to continue writing and make it my business.  After writing something so heavy and so dark, I knew I wanted to explore less serious topics in my subsequent books.

Because Messy Marvin was a true story, I thought that God had spoken to me and that I was meant to tell all the stories of events in my life that had impacted me.  With that in mind, I set out to write my next book.  Originally I wanted to explore love and relationships.  That quickly turned into another dark topic.  Go figure!  I gave myself a word per day limit and I set out on my way to book number two.

Writing my second book 

I wrote diligently and when I finished I called the one person who I knew would tell me the truth.  JB.  If you read Messy Marvin, then you know who JB is.  She is my ride or die.  My A1 since day one, literally.  We have known each other since birth and she will, without doubt, tell me the truth about anything, and I do mean anything, that is going on.  She had read Messy Marvin and loved it.  I asked her to read my second book and tell me what she thought.

About a week later I got a call from JB.  She hated the book.  Oh shit!  That wasn’t what I had anticipated at all.  Maybe some constructive criticism, but damn.  She told me that the book was, basically, boring.  She said I was preachy and she didn’t like that I wrote from a kind of ‘hindsight’ perspective.  In Messy Marvin one of the things she had enjoyed was that I told the story from a current day perspective; as if it was happening as the reader read.

I picked my lil’ pride up off the floor and I went back to the drawing board.  Now, I knew that I could write.  And that I could write well.  I always have been really good at creative writing. I threw out the entire first draft and started over from scratch.  That time I started with a different intention in mind.  I was going to write to entertain.  I wanted to create a story that took the reader on a journey and kept them wanting to turn the page.  Even though I wanted to create an adventure, going overboard was something I tried to intentionally steer away from.

A Boy A Baby & A Bullet

The story began like all my stories begin.  I had an idea of some incident I wanted my character to be a part of.  The fun part is making up the circumstances needed to get my character to the incident that I want them to be involved in.

Enter A Boy A Baby & A Bullet.  This book is part 1 of what will be a 3 part series.  It did not begin this way, but let me tell you what had happened.

I wanted to have a female leading character.  I knew that.  Maybe because I’m female, who knows?  But I was clear that the lead would be a woman.  I also wanted to explore relationships.  We all have been in some situation or another and wondered how the hell things got so bad.  That is what I wanted to do with my lead character.  She would be troubled and complicated.  But I wanted her complexity to be of her own doing.  I didn’t want her to have come from an abusive background and have that as a crutch.  That led me to create the circumstances around her relationships with 2 men that she could twist and foul up.

THE CHARACTERS

My Leading Lady.  So for my leading lady, I gave her what each of us struggles with at some point or another in our lives.  A super fine, sexy ass bad boy.  He’s mysterious, he’s just a tad bit harsh, but ooh wee wee what’s in his pants.  She can’t resist it.

To keep it interesting, our girl gets a good guy also.  The man that she knows is the practical choice.  The man who wants a family, who works regularly and who provides.  The contrast of those two and the familiarity that so many of us females have with that dichotomy was fun for me.

She finds herself pregnant and torn between the two men and that is where the lies and self blame start.  From that starting point, she manages to tear up the lives of everyone close to her.  Even her own life ends up in shambles by the end of this tale.  She is a mother of 2 girls and she sneaks off to screw her bad boy, lies to her main dude and drinks like a fish to cover her pain.  The lies she tells herself are only the half of it.  She lies to everyone from her kids to her lover and ends us having a bullet finally tell her truth.

Marcus is the responsible one.  He is the family man and he is the one who tries to create a family with the lead character.  He loves her, in his own way.  She has hurt him in a way that triggers all of his own insecurities.  Which is always the case, isn’t it?  Even though he has accepted her, flaws and all, he can’t seem to shake the feeling of betrayal that lingers.  Valiantly, he fights it, but it is there, tapping on his shoulder at each and every turn.  Subsequently, he takes his rage out on everyone around him.  He also finds comfort between the legs of another woman.  No surprise there.

Brandon.  Brandon is the uber sexy, mysterious, troubled bad boy.  He represents the fantasy.  That, not quite right, Luther Vandross curl that didn’t quite curl all the way over, if only he would just – man of your dreams, fantasy.  The guy that only needs to be tweaked to be perfect.  Except that the tweaking he needs as in all the areas that dude is dead set on NOT fixing. The sometimes life-long tug and back and forth of trying to get the broken bad boy to fix himself and trying to figure out how much of his bullshit you can take without breaking, was what I wanted to do with Marcus.  He is much more troubled than anyone knows. Marcus has some chemical imbalances that push him farther over the edge than anyone ever expected.  His disappointment in losing to Marcus drives his crazy.  Literally.

Laiyah & Mikayla.  Things get complicated any time you add kids to the mix.  So, that’s what I did.  I put two beautiful baby girls into the story.  Laiyah is the youngest.  She’s a sweet little girl.  Loving, pretty and the apple of her parents’ eye.  Her older sister is Mikayla, is a baby that was born prior to Marcus coming into to the picture, nonetheless, he takes on the role of father in her world and she and her sister Laiyah live a pleasant life.  They are unaware of the goings on of their off kilter parents, who go to great lengths to shelter them from the real truth.

Candi.  Candi is that one street friend we all know.  She’s the one that’s just a bit grittier than we’re comfortable with, but we deal with her because we are on her good side.  She has dated the guys who are now doing 25 to life and she held her own beside them.  Candi is about that life, but she has never been in trouble, that anyone knows about, and she is down with the leading lady and helps her in more ways than one when shit hits the fan.  Candi helps the leading lady sort through the mess she has made by trying to play both these men, and when the two of them sneak off into the night to break into an insane asylum, you get a real view of Candi and what she’s capable of.

THE PLOT

The thing driving this story is the conflict between Marcus and Brandon.  The two men are at each other’s throats, but there are secrets they’re both unaware of.  They both blame ole girl for their turmoil.  They both think they are Laiyah’s father.  But, the thing is, neither of them realize that Laiyah’s DNA is the answer to their current problems and the Pandora’s box to even more angst than they’re currently dealing with.

Brandon ends up committed, and not to a woman, but to an institution.  Not far behind Brandon, Marcus ends up on a therapists couch.  All the while, the lies that are the catalyst to all of this mess, live on through the leading lady even after a gun is drawn and one of the characters ends up dead.

These characters have so much more to say than what I could pack into book one.  Stay on the lookout for books 2 and 3 of this series.  It will keep you coming back.  The book is available in both paperback and eBook formats.  For $7.99 you can download the eBook and open and read it on your Kindle or Kindle app.  There’s also a bundle sale going on right now for both Messy Marvin and A Boy A Baby & A Bullet.  You can download both eBooks for only $9.99 HERE!  If you prefer to feel real pages, get the paperback version of A Boy A Baby & A Bullet for $11.99 HERE or buy both Messy Marvin and A Boy A Baby & A Bullet in paperback for $14.99 HERE.

For a FREE sample of A Boy A Baby & A Bullet, subscribe to kayewright.com below.  The first 3 chapters will be on me.

 

 

When lust, lies and life’s limitations come together, a recipe for disaster results.

The tug between the truth, which would ruin it all, and the lie that would lead to happily ever after, is where our leading lady finds herself.  She loves Marcus, but he would be crushed if he knew the truth about her involvement with Brandon.  And although Brandon makes her heart race with lusty desire, he can’t give the stability that Marcus provides. Having her daughter Laiyah while tangled up with both men, only adds to the turmoil and anguish.  Now two men are pitted against one another with a baby in the middle. Although Brandon and Marcus are both strong willed, only one of them can win in the end.  A woman and her selfish desires have brought them both to the brink, but when one of them lets go, an innocent life will hang in the balance between their two worlds. Who will win?  The Boy, The Baby, or The Bullet

Get the first 3 chapters FREE by clicking here! Don’t miss out on this exciting story.

 

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Is T.I. Sexist or Are We Simply Overreacting?

What the Hell Is T.I. Talking About?  Were His Comments Sexist or Are We Over Reacting?

Listen, I love Tip.  I love southern Cadillac music and I damn sho love me all the hip hop that has and continues to come outta the ATL.  Aside from what folks have to say about his past run ins with the law, I pay that no mind.  Every saint got a past and T.I. has done his time, so basically, get over it.

I continue to be in love with T.I. & Tiny both on and off the screen.  I think the way he fathers his kids is beautiful.  It’s something we needed.  We, the collective, needed that imagery of a black father and husband with his family, redeemed.

All that being said, I can’t say that I’m surprised by the comment itself.  If you’re unfamiliar, T.I. was asked during an interview if he would vote for a female president.  He responded with some less than politically correct answers and explanations about women making rash decisions emotionally and the Loch Ness Monster having a better chance of being elected than a woman.

Now, yes that shit was crazy, but c’mon, he’s not the only man who still feels like that in 2015.  He’s just probably the only who was brazen enough to say it aloud to an interviewer.  Many men believe that women are capable to rising to very high ranks in life.  So long as those ranks occupy all the spaces that are beneath their own ranks. Y’all are not new to this, which is why I was surprised to see people really get in their feelings about this whole conundrum.

Was the comment supportive of feminine equality?  No, but so what?  T.I. feeling a certain type of way and voicing those feelings is not the worst thing in the world that could have happened to women’s lib.  And honestly, when we as a nation take on something as large as the possibility of placing a woman in the White House, there will absolutely be genuine feelings that will surface.  Those feelings otherwise, would remain hidden because there would be no platform or purpose for them.

Even when a woman does a job that is comparable to a man, there will be naysayers and those who will find a way to minimize it and make it less impactful.  I don’t even know that they do it intentionally.  I truly believe that the thought of women being inferior to men is something that is deeply embedded in our society and our culture.  The messages and signals confirming that women are beneath men are sent subtly from the crib to the cradle.  It simply is what it is.

I’ve had downright screaming arguments with men who have no basis for their stance that Michelle Obama and Beyonce and Oprah, although they are absolutely on par with men if a comparison was to be made on the basis of ability and proven success, are still not on the same level as men.  Once while I was in class, a heated debate broke out as was common in law school.  The topic of discussion was whether or not a woman should have to ask her husband for permission to do … fill in the blank.  Hell, I don’t even remember any more.  A classmate of mine became so pissed that he had no reasonable evidence to back up his asinine claims that it was mandatory for a wife to ‘ask’ permission, that he resorted to yelling out, “Dammit!  Just because he’s a man and she’s a woman!  That’s why!”  Boy, if you don’t sit yo….

This whole T.I. thing is a minor blip on the radar.  He will feel the way he does and his mind won’t be changed.  Again, it is what it is.

Do you guys think he should have kept his feelings to himself?  Do you think women will ever be viewed as equals by the masses?  Are we equal or do men have the upper hand? Leave your comments below.

 

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The post Is T.I. Sexist or Are We Simply Overreacting? appeared first on Kaye Wright.

Is Integrity Dead?

Why Isn’t Integrity Celebrated? Is Integrity Dead?

We are so quick to dub someone as “awesome” or “great” or “the shit” – but what are the qualifiers for those labels we deem so positive?

I’ve begged to differ so many times that I began to question whether or not I was simply being a hater.  When I broke it all down, usually my disagreement came due to the person’s lack of integrity in one area or another.  It was usually an area different than the one they were being praised within.  And it more times than not, had to do with them being less than faithful.

Isn’t the overall goal in life for us to find balance?  Mind Body & Spirit being maximized, right?  Isn’t that how we are able to be most fully used by God?  If so, then how is it that a person can be deserving of the labels above, when they are desperately lacking in any one of those areas?  Baffling is a word that comes to mind when I try to work out in my head how a man who has been unfaithful, or who has harmed a child or an innocent person, or who has stolen or lied, be touted as “awesome” or “great” or “the shit”?  Could we not find more appropriate terms and save the grandiose ones for those who have truly mastered success in the three areas of mind, body and spirit?

This feels similar to the theory of handing out trophies to all the kids who are on the team.  Whether or not they have accomplished anything worthy of noting or celebrating.  My overall fear is that we will sink into a pit of mediocrity.  That pit will prevent greatness and we will all perish.  Ok, that’s a bit dramatic, but it’s steeped in a real and legitimate concern.

We all are created with greatness inside us.  I believe that.  I’ve raised my children to know that about themselves.  I think the journey of life is one in which you set out to find the thing at which you are great.  Even before you are conscious of it, I think that is our charge, each of us.  How can you ever be incentivized to find your “IT” if you are never allowed the gift of failure?  Failure teaches us 2 things.  1: Better is possible; and 2: The person who beat you has found what they’re better at than you.  If we celebrate participation as an accomplishment, we will never create the desire for experiencing the feelings that the person standing on the pedestal receiving the accolades received.

What if a person is the best pole vaulter ever to walk the face of the Earth?  Now, what if that same person played baseball as a kid and received rewards for simply participating.  Awards he received right alongside his teammate who just happened to be the greatest baseball player to ever walk the Earth.  If he was an average or even above average baseball player, he may be content simply to play baseball.  He will never realize his potential in pole vaulting.  But, maybe if he never received praise for simply being average at baseball, and he was forced to stand by and watch his teammate, who was the greatest, receive reward after reward, maybe then he would be moved to find the thing that he, himself is great at and can be rewarded for.

This theory, in my mind, applies to multiple areas of life.  We seem to be at a place in human existence where we praise ‘success’ in business or money making or political endeavors as equaling ‘success’ or greatness in life overall.  Shouldn’t we save the label of successful or masterful for the ones who have truly put in the work in ALL areas of their lives?  What happens when someone manages to conquer success in Mind, Body & Spirit?  We are left with only the words and connotations that have been watered down.  Therefore, those people who indeed are masters, or greats, get demoted to the same category as the dude who won his political race by a landslide, but whose children hate him and all have drug and alcohol addictions because daddy wasn’t there for them.

So, my questions then are: Is integrity dead?  Does success abolish personal responsibility?  What do we do to clear the blurred lines we’ve created?  Leave your thoughts and comments below.

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What VH1’s Couples Therapy Taught Me About Value & Self-Worth

What I Learned From VH1’s Couples Therapy

 

I sat watching the screen and internally scolding myself.  I had vowed not to watch anymore ratchet TV shows.  Promised myself I would stick to Shonda Rhimes and any other well written FICTIONAL folks who lived lives that were disasters.

Watching other people’s emotions, be they good or bad, is entertaining.  As much as I don’t really like to admit it, I am as much of a voyeur as the next person.  Even if what I’m watching is a train wreck, I can’t seem to turn away.  And so, I regretfully admit that I watched Couples Therapy on VH1.

I am selective in the trash I choose to ingest.  And please understand that you are indeed ingesting anything you allow to occupy your space.  Whether you are conscious of it or not, it is being absorbed by you and it will not go anywhere.  As long as there’s space, it will dwell within you.

Now, off the pedestal and back to the story at hand.  I don’t usually watch the shows that I feel are contrived and/or set up.  Especially when it’s done on the premise of ‘helping’ the participants.  I think there’s a fine line between exposing and exploiting.  Because of my beliefs, certain shows never make DVR status in my home.

Couples Therapy was one of those shows, but after seeing a quote about what Joe Budden said to Kaylin during a one-on-one session with Dr. Jan, I was intrigued and impressed.  Basically Joe told Kaylin that her behavior had said to him that she “valued herself very little, it at all.”  Damn! Damn! Damn!  That had to hurt.  That is painful to witness; I can’t imagine what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that comment.

As crazy as it seems Joe Budden spoke some truths a lot of women don't want to hear #couplestherapy

— Kaye Wright (@_kayewright) October 10, 2015

What intrigued me about the comment was that it felt so genuine.  Not in a harmful way, but in a very vulnerable and truthful way.  I think it is so important for females to understand and to GET how our actions are perceived and interpreted by the men we involve ourselves with.  This statement was like a million ton brick dropped by the most unlikely of suspects.

What was even more revealing to me, was Kaylin’s reaction.  Her face told the tale of how true what he said was.  It hit home.  HARD!  She couldn’t have hidden that reaction if her life had depended on it.  I felt for her in that moment.  I wanted to do nothing more than just console her, but I couldn’t get through the TV screen.

We tend to operate from a very superficial place a lot of the time.  We aren’t connected to what the real driving forces are in our lives.  It’s a product of many things, but this day and age engulfs us with justifiable reasons to be constantly and continually disconnected.  From our phones to our friends to all the made up reasons we rely on to prevent us from stopping, connecting and paying attention.  We move about on auto pilot.  And for that reason, so many times, we as women are not aware of how we are misusing our power.  Because we don’t acknowledge it.  We don’t even recognize our power when it shows itself to us.

So many times we as women are not aware of how we are misusing our power. #knowyourworth
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When you allow a man to mistreat you or to disrespect you, essentially what you are doing is saying to him by your actions, that it is ok for you him to do that to you; it is ok for him to make you feel that way; it is ok for him to dishonor you.  That says to him, as it would to anyone, I don’t require more than this poor treatment because that is all I feel I’m worth.

Look at it this way, if you walked into a department store and a Chanel bag were on sale for $250.00, what would you think?  You would think it was a joke, or that the bag was a knock off, or that something hugely out of place was happening, right?  You may not even walk over because you would have an expectation of what the price may be.  If you did approach, and if you confirmed that the bag was indeed authentic, and that you were not on an episode of Punk’d, and that the Earth had not stopped spinning, you would snatch that sucker up and run for your life, right?  Now fast forward 6 months.  You walk into a different department store and see the same Chanel bag on sale for $4,000.00.  What would you think?  “Tuh – they got me effed up.  I’m not paying that when I can get it for less than $300.00.”  Right?  Right.

The same thought process applies to the way you’re perceived by the men you choose to be romantically involved with.  Think of yourself as the Chanel bag.  You are coveted, you are fabulous, you are wanted.  There is a cost that is associated with being able to have you and all that you offer.  So a man walks into an event and sees you sitting there.  His assumption is that you are worth a lot.  If he thinks he can’t ‘afford’ you he will not even approach.  If he is up for some shopping, he will come over.  Now, you as the woman set the standard for what it ‘costs’ for this man to gain access to your world.

You as a woman set the standard for what it ‘costs’ for a man to gain access to your world #goaldigger
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If all he has to do is take you on 2 dates, tell you some nice lies, drive you around in his fancy car, and then BOOM, he gets the booty – that is what he is willing to pay for you or your type.  He will snatch you up just as you would that low cost Chanel bag, and run!  If he sees something similar or even the same type woman as you, in a different setting and the price is more than dinner, lies and his car, he will likely walk away for the same reason you wouldn’t pay the $4,000.00 for the Chanel bag.  Get it?

The value associated with the Chanel bag from the department store diminished the perceived value of the item.  You would likely end up treating that bag the same as you do your other $250.00 bags.  They’re nice at first and you’re happy, but after a year or so it’s on the floor of your closet with ink marks inside from all the junk you’ve sloppily thrown into it over time.  Now, if you saved and planned and paid $4,000.00 for the coveted Chanel bag, where would that sucka be in a year and half?  Hell, in 3 years?  I’ll tell you.  It would be in the dust bag, on the tippy top shelf of your closet and a mofo better not dare play with it like it’s ok to not worship the Chanel bag.

This is how I think men perceive us.  If they have decided to invest, plan and acquire all that we as women have  to offer, then we are put up on the top shelf, cared for, protected and treated like we are well worth the price that’s been paid for us.  The THOTS on the other hand, they are in a graveyard of other cheap and easily acquired items on the closet floor, rarely ever thought of and hardly never ever valued in any real way.

What Joe Budden told Kaylin taught me to make sure I stay aware of what my value is and ‘charge’ accordingly.  But further, to make sure that I do what it takes to maintain my value.  You have to stay worth it.  You must ‘pay’ for me with respect, honor, honesty and good D doesn’t hurt either.  The price is what it is and it’s that way because that is what I know I’m worth.  I treat myself that way, so in order for you to occupy space in my world, you have to pay the associated fees.

What Joe Budden told Kaylin taught me to make sure I stay aware of what my value is and ‘charge’ accordingly…
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Let me add that this is not easy.  It’s not simply throwing out a bunch of clichéd terms or catch phrases about self-worth.  It is much more about connecting and being aware of what you may be doing subconsciously or unconsciously.  It can be a painful and difficult process because there is a lot of hurt that has to be addressed to get to real happiness.  It is also an ongoing thing; it’s not a one shot solution.  Even when you think you’ve done everything that is required to identify your self-worth, there can be mental blocks that still cause you to devalue yourself and put a sale on your worth.  So pay attention and do your work.  I’m constantly doing my own.

In the end, when you allow yourself to be devalued, please understand that you have created that price tag attached to your head.  It’s your responsibility to create your own value and for those unwilling to pay, they gets no access baby!  That’s just it, because Chanel stay selling out of bags, so you know that there are folks who appreciate its value and who are willing to ‘pay’ what it takes to have one.  Be the Chanel bag boo!  Be the Chanel bag!

Are you dying to read a great book?  Well, Messy Marvin will give you what you need. It is unlike any book you have ever read before.  In it, I share my personal story of how, as a young naive girl, I found myself in the clutches of a violent man who was unable to control his rage.  From the first time he hit me to the day I was finally free. I take you along for the ride and let you in on how I plotted and executed my escape. There were times I almost didn’t make it out alive. This book has all the excitement you crave and it will keep you turning the pages. You won’t want to put it down! All the while remembering, it’s a TRUE story!

Get the first 2 chapters FREE by clicking here! Don’t miss out on this TRUE story of abuse, escape and survival.

 

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The post What VH1’s Couples Therapy Taught Me About Value & Self-Worth appeared first on Kaye Wright.

I Survived Domestic Violence

 

I am a survivor of domestic violence.

At a very young age I found myself trapped inside the world of my abuser.  I had moved in with him, and he had successfully ‘urged’ me into alienating myself from my close friends, family and loved ones.  The experience was a horrific one that came about as a result of tragic circumstances.  The circumstances were that I, as a young woman new to the dating world, was not even aware that there was a thing called domestic violence.  I knew nothing of its existence.  I had simply met a man, began dating him, and all hell had broken loose.

Growing up, I was not abused.  I was not battered or treated poorly.  My household was a stable and loving one.  But, as with most young adults, I thought I knew it all.  I was confident that I had my shit together and further, that I did not need to be coddled by anyone.  That combination made me a prime target for the type of man I ended up meeting and getting myself involved with.

I met Marvin at a night club when I was with a group of my girlfriends.  Even though we had both been living in the same city for years, I knew nothing of his past.  There was nothing to indicate to me, that he was dangerous.  However, I would find out that I was not the first, or last, woman he had been abusive with.  Within 6 months I wanted out of the relationship.  By that time, I was in too deep and simply leaving, was not a smart or viable option.  It would ultimately take me over a year to break the ties.

I’ve written about domestic violence before on this site and it’s the topic of my debut novel Messy Marvin, but I think it’s important to reiterate here that women who find themselves abused should not be judged or ridiculed.  To put it plainly, there is no place for it in the equation that will bring about change.  This is such an epidemic and it is by far, one of the most misunderstood of human injustices.  Abuse is not just physical, it is also psychological.  By and large, those psychological side effects are what binds its victims before, during and long after the relationship has ended.

Women who find themselves abused in a domestic violence situation should not be judged or ridiculed.
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In a prior article I wrote about the top 5 reasons victims stay with their abusers.  You can read that article in detail here.  Re-tweet it, re-pin it, and share it as much as you can with others.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I have chosen October to further delve into the areas of domestic violence that often go over looked.  I will cover each topic I touched on in my prior blog post, but in much more detail.  And so as not to merely whine about an issue, I will offer tips and insight into how to escape a situation, if you yourself are being abused, as well as how to lend aid if you are on the outside and witnessing a loved one suffer.  At the end of each post I will leave links to resources that are available for those who are interested.

Now, let’s get into the first reason victims stay: MONEY!

Let’s just be real about this thing.  Money makes the world go round. And in the society in which we currently exist, you need money to live.  Point blank, period.  With that being said, understand that abusers are well aware of this fact.  One of the ways they maintain control, is by making and keeping access to money at a bare minimum, for their victims.  This, like most other control tactics, begins very slowly and is often cloaked in the disguise of love, care, concern and a desire to ‘take care of you’ or ‘make your life easier.’

Neither is the real case, but this decoy often works wonders, especially in the early stages of a relationship when things are euphoric and new and the sky seems to be the limit of how much love is shared between the two in the relationship.  Even to an outsider, the initial acts of controlling finances may appear harmless and even sweet.

Even to an outsider, the initial acts of control & abuse may appear harmless and even sweet.
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I will give you an example to illustrate my point of the subtly of how this can begin.

A man and woman who are in a new relationship are out at the mall.  She goes into a shoe store and begins to swoon over a pair of perfect pumps.  “Oh my God!  These are absolutely gorgeous!  I’ve been looking for the perfect nude pump for so long and this is it!”  She goes to flip the shoe over to view the price tag and her new lover gently brushes her hand away and lovingly strokes her forearm.

“Baby, let me get them for you.  You seem to love them so much.  I love to see that smile on your face.  To see you happy.  I’ve got it.”  He slowly takes the shoe from her hand and motions for her to sit.  Next he calls over the sales associate and points at his beloved.  “She will need these in a …” with a raised brow, he looks longingly into her eyes.

Stammering, she gathers her composure and blurts out, “Ummm, 8 and a half.  Please.”  She is blown away.  What a wonderful feeling.  No worries about price, or complaints about how many shoes she already has that look so similar, NOTHIING.  Just pure, unadulterated bliss.  Wow!  She is wooed.

“But you didn’t check the price.  I don’t want you to buy me something that is out of budget. It’s not a necessity.  And I can get them for myself.  I don’t want to put you out.”

“Not a problem at all.  I’ve got it.  It’s fine.  Just let me pamper you.”  At that moment, the sales associate returns with the size requested and she tries them on.  Of course, it’s a perfect fit.

“We will take them.  I’ll meet you at the register.”

And with this he walks over to the register and pays as she stands like a lamb, watching, still in disbelief.

Let’s be clear, here.  It isn’t the fact that a man has bought this newly in love woman a gift. Women are accustomed to receiving gifts from men they are dating.  And you if you’re not, you may wanna get you a real one.  But that’s another topic.  It is the way he manages the situation.  The way he seemingly takes the worry out of her hands as an act of love and adoration.  This will mutate into an ugly beast of burden named control within a very short time.

In my own personal experience, Marvin wooed me by paying my rent and buying me clothes and giving me cash.  As a young college student, I think we all know the woes that come with the financial strain of the first few years of school.  So for me, it was sooo sweet of him.  Little did I know what kinds of strings were attached to those funds.  Check out the final chapters of Messy Marvin to see how the money he spent on me, literally came back to haunt me.  This also illustrates the level of control and the depth of the obsession to maintain control, that abuser will go to.  Money is a tie that binds victims to their abusers in a very real way.  This Forbes article outlines some of the ways financial dependency keeps victims stuck.

It is that simple for things to begin to head down that dark path.  The next weight he may take off her shoulders, may be something bigger, like the rent or her car payment.  It is very flattering and it’s not done in a domineering way, most times.  So the woman will be agreeable nine times out of ten.  The down side is when a victim attempts to break free from her abuser, that financial hold on the day-to-day dealings of life become a noose around the neck and it is hella hard to break away.

70% of victims are killed while attempting to leave their abuser
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I’m sure someone is thinking or asking how this could happen to a woman who works and earns her own money.  That is a very valid question.  I will break it down as it happened to me.  I lived with my abuser and we paid the household bills together.  My money was something he had access to and over time he slowly made me feel comfortable with him ‘taking care’ of me and our finances.  I was not asking him for money or walking around with only a quarter to my name.  I had access to the funds.  I had cash money on a daily basis; enough to eat with and get to and from school and work.  When I declared that I was going to leave him, I, pissed off an uncontrollable, controlling and violent man.  His response to what he perceived to be a loss of control, was to use the access he had to both his and my funds, to strip away the money from me that I needed to leave him.  He had the ATM card (which he had always kept with him because I carried cash).  He refused to pay any of my bills, so I had no phone and no ability to get to the funds to get things in my life moving again.  He refused to take me to and from work and/or school, so I was at risk of losing my job and my grades were slipping for non-attendance.  The cash I usually carried, was quickly depleted and I felt stuck.  That episode turned into one of my failed attempts to leave, because I went back out of sheer desperation.  And yes, I was still being abused within the house during all of that time.

Trust me when I say that it can and DOES happen and it is something that seems impossible and that seems like it is not an insurmountable stumbling block, but if you literally have only $20 and are being terrorized, beaten and threatened with death daily, not having access to all the money that is in the household is a real issue.

Imagine not knowing when your cell phone bill was last paid.  Now imagine that he stops paying it and your cell phone is disconnected, without you even knowing it’s happening.  How will you get it turned back on?  How do you even go about calling the cell phone company?  Most folks have direct deposit (If they are working within the confines of the abusive relationship.  Lots of abuse victims have stopped working.) and if he has access to the account, it becomes incredibly challenging to get the bill paid without involving him. I was very young and did not even have credit cards of my own.  Even stopping your direct deposit and getting your employer to give you an old school paper check, usually takes some time to process.  What do you do in the interim?

The deeper issue here is that the money is a tool of control, but it is not the only one.  If money were the only barrier, many quick witted women would figure a way around that single issue.  It is the cumulative effect of all the areas of your life that an abusive relationship spills over into.  Marvin drove me to work and picked me up every day.  It, like the scenario described above, had begun as a way for him to make my day better; to make my life a little easier.  Who doesn’t want to be chauffeured around?  Ever wonder why Uber is so successful?  Yeah.  It was great, at first.  But, when I needed to make a sneak run to pay a bill with cash, how could I do it with him driving me?  How could I prevent him from knowing that I was plotting my escape?

Women who have children have the added encumbrance of needing enough money to get away, care for their children and sustain whatever life they set up after leaving, for a long enough period to truly be in the clear and remain safe.  That is a lot of money when you are left to squirreling away bits and pieces of a paycheck or change from grocery store runs.

Women with children have an added encumbrance when leaving an abusive relationship
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80% of women who leave their abusers, go back.  And they go back several times.  It’s not just once or twice.  It’s seven to eight times!  A lot of that return rate can be attributed to the lack of financial backing that it takes to leave and stay gone.  After so many false starts, even willing friends and family will become exasperated and leave victims to fend for themselves and their children alone.  That actually increases the rate of return for so many women who eventually end up dead. Read this article to see the statistics about how many times victims attempt to leave before they actually make it out for good.

80% of women who leave their abusers, go back ...7 or 8 times
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There are so many myths about domestic violence victims and the abusers that victimize them.  Most are really just misconceptions.  Here is a link to some common myths that may help those on the outside have a clearer understanding of things.

When a baby is crying and hungry, a mother will return to a dangerous situation if that will mean her baby gets to eat.  It is a sad reality of domestic violence.  It is also an indicator of where we as a community and society can step up our efforts.

If you are looking for some tips on how you can help, please click this icon – Buy Now – to download a free list of 5 easy and practical ways you can lend aid to someone who is trying to get out.  (Enter “0” for the price and download).  No one wants a useless list of phone numbers to call or organizations that collect donations, so I’ve done my best to make sure that this list contains practical and easy steps you can take that truly make a real-life difference.

Are you dying to read a great book?  Well, Messy Marvin will give you what you need. It is unlike any book you have ever read before.  In it, I tell of how a young naive girl finds herself in the clutches of a violent man who is unable to control his rage.  It has all the excitement you crave and it will keep you turning the pages.  You won’t be able to put it down!  And the bonus – it’s my TRUE story!

Get the first 2 chapters FREE by clicking here! Don’t miss out on this TRUE story of abuse, escape and survival.

 

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You Are No Better Than The Next Woman

What makes a person choose?  Is one choice better than the next?  Can one woman be better than the next woman?  If so, what determines who is better?  Or, maybe in reality, it’s all relative.

Men leave relationships.  Women leave relationships.  Men and women both leave relationships for greener pastures.  Or do they? Maybe the simply leave because they are unhappy.  Unhappy to the extent that it drives them to seek out more fulfillment elsewhere.

This can all become very complicated because there are so many levels to human happiness or perceived human happiness.  When you factor in desire, social standards, peer pressure and plain old misguiding, you could end up with a cluster.

Age and wisdom are wonderful things.  Once you have lived and observed long enough to be able to look back, often you realize that the world is cyclical.  Things come, they go, but they repeat themselves too.  One of the things that I’ve seen a lot of, is relationships beginning and ending and then subsequent, new relationships beginning and ending.

It makes me wonder, is one woman really better than the next?  If we are all created equal, how can one be ‘better than’ the next?  It has a lot to do with the one doing the deciding.

I was watching a popular reality TV show and a woman sat talking to her mother about the difficulties she was experiencing in her marriage.  Her husband had been, and was continuing to be, unfaithful.  She was distraught and asked her mother for her thoughts.  He mother told her that she had made a poor choice in her husband.  She went on to tell her tearful daughter how the man she chose was not the type of man to be a good husband and father for her.  The young wife paid no attention to what her mother told her.  Instead, she countered with a diatribe about how she was better than all those other women her husband chose to sleep with.  For factual backup she threw out a litany of the usuals: I am educated.  I have my own business.  I’m respectable.  I cook.  I clean.  I’m a good mother.  I’m pretty and I have my own money.

I empathized with her mother, who shook her had in defeat.  I’ve had similar conversations with my own daughter.  Her mother made an attempt to further explain that the choice was not a wise one because those things she had outlined didn’t matter.  The daughter promptly interrupted her mother, once again, and went deeper down the rabbit hole.  “But those girls, they’re just trashy girls. All he does is sleep with them.  They’re like nothing girls.”

Clearly this young wife had swallowed a giant gulp of the koolaid.  We have been sold a lie.  The lie has spread and festered and become an ugly thing.  It pits women against one another in an imaginary contest for the affections of men.  It’s steeped in the belief that there is not enough.  Not enough men who want to be married.  Not enough men who are and can become wonderful fathers to our children.  It’s a sad thing.

Cooking, cleaning, working, obtaining financial success, and being pretty have nothing to do with your self-worth.  Contrary thoughts are extremely damaging.  Thoughts of such things put unnecessary emphasis on external factors which have no real value, when you explore them more deeply.  You can change your hair, beat your face, plump everything from you lips to your hips and none of those things can ever make you more valuable or better than the next woman.  Why?  Because everyone can do those things.

The beauty of life is that each one of us has been bestowed with special and unique gifts and talents.

Those gifts and talents are within you and are for you to expose to the world.  The gifts that are only yours, are for you to share with the world.  That’s what makes you unique.  That uniqueness is perfection for someone else on this Earth.  That someone else may be singular, or it may be massive.  Whichever it is, is irrelevant.  Reaching the masses or simply touching the spirit of your child inside your own home, is equally impactful.

As far as romantic relationships are concerned, there is a person who will benefit most from your unique gifts and talents.  That person will also come stocked with their own set of gifts and talents.  The two of you together will build each other up where you are torn down and strengthen each other where you are weak.  That is the key.  Why do you think they say that love is blind?  Because external beauty is not the epitome.  What has been put inside you is irreplaceable and its beauty shines through.  Love is blind to the external.

So, the next time you find yourself comparing what you ‘offer’ or what you ‘bring to the table’ to that of what you perceive another woman to have, check yourself.  Create opportunities to acquaint yourself with the internal gifts and talents of other women before you pit yourself against them or pit them against some other woman.

The human spirit is a wondrous thing.  We are hardwired to find our way back to the things that matter most and feed our souls.  Often times when a relationship ends because someone is in search of greener pastures, which they think they’ve found, it is simply them answering the call within that leads us to our mates.  That mate that is the match to our own uniqueness.  That uniqueness comes in all different shapes and sizes.  And when our spirits are in a state of unrest, we feel unhappy.  That unhappiness moves us to find something soothing.

You are not better than the next woman.  And she is not better than you.  There is no hierarchy in the human spirit.  On that level, we are all equals.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow and it is much easier said than done, because it is contrary to all that most of us know.  But, if you can, give it a try.  If a man leaves you for a different woman, know and understand that it has nothing to do with you.  That person is on their own path.  And obviously, he didn’t think you were better than her, because he made a different choice.

Identifying and developing your internal gifts and talents is one of the best things you can do for yourself.  It’s a much better use of your energy and efforts.

What are your thoughts?  Can one woman be better than the next woman? If so, how?

The post You Are No Better Than The Next Woman appeared first on Kaye Wright.

5 Ways To Be Sexy As A Mom

“I don’t know. It was weird. It was like she felt that she had to justify what she was wearing. And nobody had even said anything because she had just posted the picture, but within seconds she began to explain herself.”

“I wonder why. Maybe someone had said something to her in the past. Or even, maybe, in her earlier years or something. That’s kind of sad. Don’t you think?”

“I do think it’s sad. It’s sad if someone has or is making her feel that way. And it’s sad if she is putting that amount of pressure and guilt on herself unprompted.”

“That’s true. I didn’t even think of the fact that she may be doing that to herself.”

“And you know what’s worse? She also added a caption to the photo to justify why she had on what she had on.”

“Does she have kids? Sometimes women feel like they need to be more modest after they give birth and become moms?”

“You know what she did recently have a baby. I think her son is 1 or 2 years old.”

“I bet that’s it.”

We see women all around us who are owning their sexuality. The way each woman chooses to do that is different.
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No one way is right for everyone. Also, no one way is appropriate for every woman.

Owning and showcasing your sexuality as a woman is something we all do, in one way or another. There are times when I feel completely sexy and I want to dress to showcase how I feel. It’s the same as when I feel professional and like the boss of my day and I want to wear a bad ass power suit.

For anyone who has had a baby, you know and understand how your body completely changes after the birth. But, more than your body, society’s perception of you changes, too. You suddenly become a non-sexual being. Or, more accurately, you are expected to become a non-sexual being. I always laugh at how people get on their soap boxes about, “She has a child.” or “She’s someone’s mother.” Girl, please. Sit down. No one scoffs at men who are fathers walking around with their shirts off of wearing moose ball tight pants or swimming trunks. The double standard. *le sigh*

To some extent, I do understand that children will inevitably be exposed to the things that their parents do and say. Even things that are done outside of the home or in the confines of their parents’ bedrooms. I mean, who hasn’t mistakenly heard their parents doing the do? Let’s face it, it happens.

Being a sexual being and being a mother can co-exist. The two things do co-exist, whether or not people want to acknowledge or admit it. Just because you give birth, doesn’t mean your sexual desires suddenly leave your body. Hello! People have multiple children so somebody is still hunching.

As with most things, there is a best way to accomplish a particular goal.
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I think there is a way for a woman to be sexy and still be able to show her face to her 12 year old son, and not be ashamed. Below are 5 ways moms can be appropriately sexy.

One: Right not tight. Wear clothes that are fitted, but not yeast-infection-coochie-cutting-camel-toe tight. Like, for real, don’t nobody wanna see that. Mom or not, nobody (besides bae) wants to see your who ha displayed during the daylight hours. There are clothes that come in sizes that fit your body, no matter what your body shape may be. This includes tops too. Put the girls inside your shirt. Not half in/half out. An appropriate amount of cleavage is the amount you don’t feel you would have to cover up if your man’s grandmother were to walk into the room.

Two: Keep it private. Look, every one of us has a freak number. Whatever that number is, it is not to be publicized outside of your bedroom. This does one of two things. First off, it significantly decreases the chances of something getting out into the public domain, that you don’t want publicly consumed. What you do in the privacy of your bedroom is just that, private. You and your man can do whatever kind of sexually nasty things you can conjure up, just keep that freakiness IN THE ROOM!

Three: Class over ass. A beautiful woman can be alluring and sexy in so many ways that don’t involve showing her nakedness. A sexy demeanor, a flirty smile or a simply batting of her lids, and a woman who knows and owns her sexuality can allude more sexual energy than a woman standing stark naked in a room full of men. Well, ok, maybe not, but you can be super sexy without being trashy.

Four: Don’t’ take no shit. Other people’s opinion of you is not something you should be overly concerned about. Sometimes after the birth of a baby, women long for the good old days when every time they stepped out of the house, men were falling all over them and women envied their every move. In an attempt to get that old thing back, they often times go way too far left and end up overdoing the sexy. You’ve seen those women who are trying way too hard and it just is … well … sad. Embrace the change. Your body is often more voluptuous, you feel more confident after having pushed out another human, your boobs are bigger, so there are so many new ways to take hold of your new definition of sexy. Become comfortable with it.

Five: Don’t fight the feeling. If you are feeling yourself, then do that shit. Strut down the street. Make love to your man like you never have before. Get freaky or whatever else you do to express your sexuality. Becoming a mother is not the end of the world and it most certainly is not the end of your sexual life. You shouldn’t chastise yourself or try to bury the natural feeling you will still have after birth. It’s all good. Soon you will be feeling so comfortable in your ‘new’ self that you won’t even remember the time before the baby or how you felt way back when.

Sexiness has an appropriate time and place, and just because those times and places may change a little after you have a child, doesn’t mean they cease to exist. So, enjoy you. Enjoy your body and enjoy your man. Get ya freak on.

For a FREE download of my book Messy Marvin, click HERE.

The post 5 Ways To Be Sexy As A Mom appeared first on Kaye Wright.

He’s Not Your Boyfriend.

I’m a thinker.  I analyze.  I research.  I am a lover of information.  I believe knowledge is power.  Because of these convictions, for years I read countless self-help books about love and relationships.  I devoured information relating to making a relationship happy and healthy and keeping it that way.  Anytime there was the slightest opportunity to get my hands on a nugget of what I perceived to be insider intel, I was all on it like white on rice.

Once I consumed the latest tidbit of information, I would immediately go to work. Work for me was the implementation of the latest tips and tricks within my own relationships.  And sometimes, I did see results.  Real, measurable results.  Slight improvements here or there, or some breakthrough or another.  But, what alluded me was the one true desire I held so close to my heart.  It’s the same one that I believe a lot of us hold.  I wanted true love.  A real relationship with a real partner.  I longed for growth and increased closeness.  That ‘share my life with you’ kind of kindred-ness I had seen and witnessed and knew to be available.

While reading one of the most recent of my ‘study manuals’ there was a simple line that caught my attention.  The author was explaining an exercise for couples.  During the introduction he stated that the exercise would be most useful to couples, and that if a single person were reading, they should find a ‘friend’ to practice the exercise with.  Hmmm, a friend, eh?  I thought long and hard.  I put the book down and though a bit more.

For whatever reason, that statement resonated with me.  I thought back through all of the times in the past where I had so-called implemented the strategies I’d studied and read about.  After sleeping on it, I woke to a better understanding of why my efforts of finding my happily ever after had been stalled.  It was actually quite simple.  I had simply been blind to it all.  As lots of us are, I think.

If you're not in a committed relationship, relationship advice is not applicable to your 'situation.'
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The reason I wasn’t able to get to 100 with the men I had  been involved with, was because they were not my boyfriends.  They were men I was merely dating, or involved with, but none of them had professed their commitment to me or to our relationship.  This makes for a disaster for the poor, unaware women out here trying to do the voo doo that they doo on men who see them as nothing more (or less) than a female they are interested in.

Interest, my friend, is a far, far cry from a committed relationship.  Men are misunderstood in many ways.  From what I understand about them, one of those ways is how they behave with they are interested in women.  There are levels of interest, categories of interest and depths of interest.  Men are much more aware of the things society would have you believe that they are oblivious to.

One of the main reasons some men are hesitant to jump into a committed relationship is because they understand the weight of what that means.  It is not something they take for granted, nor something they take lightly.  Amongst other factors, men also consider the woman, her behavior, her ability to manage her own emotions and their own personal readiness to give.  There are men out there who make excuses, but most times, I think, that is simply because they are either not  ready and they are not wiling to do what it takes to be ready OR more commonly, you just ain’t the one and they’re trying to be PC about not committing to you, boo.

The number of women I’ve seen chase a man who has made it clear that she is not his ONE, is humorous.  Like, girl, can’t you see he is trying to be nice, but he’s not into you like that.  You’re not FAB like that to him! (to quote Aunti Debra)  If a man wants you, he will make it known.  There will be little to no doubt about it.

The relationships that women create in the confines of their own minds, often is the thing that gets them into…
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I never want to seem like I’m pointing fingers and most of what I know I have learned from first hand experience.  You know I only say it cause I’m truly genuine.  Don’t think I haven’t been through the same predicament.  Ms. Hill was telling y’all the truth and so am I.

I asked an ex of mine once, long after we had ended our ‘situation’, why things had never become more solid between us.  We had ‘dated’ for over 2 years.  I met his son, him, my daughters.  I knew his friends.  We went out, knew one another’s finances, we talked everyday and talked (vaguely) about the future.  So, in my mind, he was my boyfriend.  BONK! Wrong!  He was never my boyfriend.  His honesty in answering my question was shocking, but only to me.  He was actually surprised that I thought of things any differently than he had.

His answer to me was straight forward and sickeningly simple.  He said, “You never asked or required that I commit to you as your boyfriend.  So, I never did.”  Wow!  I followed up with a question that was hard to get out because it required me to take responsibility for the part I had played in our demise.

“If I had asked or demanded commitment, would you have committed?”  I was afraid of what his answer would be, but I had to know.

“Absolutely.  I thought you were the total package.  I still do, but things have long since moved pass that.”

“But why didn’t you ask me?”  I still hadn’t accepted that the ball had been in my court.

“Because women know what they want.  Confident women are always clear about what matters to them.  So since you never asked, I assumed a commitment wasn’t what you were looking for from me.”

My stomach jolted when my heart landed there from the reality of his words.  Damn! Damn! Damn!  I had shot myself in the foot and didn’t even realize it.  After that hard pill I swallowed, I made a decision to take ownership for the part that I played with men in the future.  I knew his words were ultimately going to become words of wisdom for me.  And I can say that they truly have.

Since then, I have learned to date differently.  What I found out was that I had been afraid to rock the boat.  Once a man showed interest and began dating me, I secretly hoped that he would move things to the next level and commit to me.  The flaw in that, is that by taking that approach, I was putting what I wanted my future to look like into the hands of someone else and hoping that they didn’t disappoint me.  That NEVER WORKS!  It never works because we are all responsible for actively and intentionally creating our own futures.  The dream you have or the picture you have, is yours and you have to honor it and take ownership of it by putting the work into making it a reality YOURSELF.  That is the key.

My fear was that the man I was dating would not want what I asked for and I would lose the ‘half’ a man that I thought I had by him sticking around and dating me and let’s be real, sleeping with me too.  Whether we realize it or not, lots of us do this.  The truth is this: If he leaves when you make your desires known, he wasn’t the one.  This is a good thing. In fact, it’s an AWESOME thing.  It means you are one step closer to the one who IS for you.

I saw a post on Instagram about this very thing.  It said something to the effect of: ‘all men don’t cheat.  some of y’all just don’t know that you’re not in a relationship.’  It cracked me up, but it’s so true.  Until a man commits to you and TELLS you that he is committed to you out of his own mouth, he does not see you as his girlfriend.  He does not see himself as your boyfriend.  He does not feel wrong in any way when he does something that a boyfriend should not do to his girlfriend.  Why?  Because that ain’t your boyfriend, boo.  He’s within his rights to do as much as he wants to do as a single man.  Ladies, learn and know this as fact.

If your friend asked you to paint her nails, and you tell her that you are not good at polishing nails, but she insists and you go ahead and paint her nails.  When they come out jacked up and she’s upset, do you feel bad?  Hell no!  Why?  Because you already told her you were no good at it.  This is how men see us.  He told you, either by his words or actions, that he is not trying to be your boyfriend, but you insist and act as if he is.  When something happens and you get mad, he feels nothing because he already made it clear that he is not your boyfriend.

Your best bet is to find you a man who wants to be your boyfriend.  One who commits to being your boyfriend and one who treats you like his girlfriend AFTER he commits to you.

I have an eBook on this topic that I will be making available later this week.  Click HERE to get your FREE copy and also a FREE sample of my book Messy Marvin.

What do you think? Does a man have to specifically say he’s your boyfriend? Or do you go by his actions alone?

 

The post He’s Not Your Boyfriend. appeared first on Kaye Wright.