Tina Gilbertson's Blog, page 2

For Those Thinking of Taking a Leap

In 2001, I took a leap.

I up and quit my sexy job in TV to pursue a more meaningful career in the helping professions.

It was a needed change, but getting there wasn’t all sunshine and roses. Overnight I went from HBO to the H-E-L-L of unemployment.

I was living in New York City at the time, and in a feat of bad timing I quit right before 9/11. Suddenly there were thousands of people out of work, flooding the temp agencies where I was trying to stay afloat until I could start a new career.

Former World Trade Center employees took priority, and I wasn’t one of them. It was a rough time for everyone.

That leap I took? It almost broke my legs.

If you’re thinking of taking a leap — whether it’s changing careers, going back to school, or starting your own business — you might want to listen to this thought-provoking interview with Jeff Goins.

Jeff and host Jordan Harbinger discuss a number of really interesting ideas about finding and pursuing your calling.

The Slow-Motion Leap

One golden nugget from the interview is that taking a leap doesn’t have to look like what I did. It can be more like building a bridge.

Jeff calls it “taking a slow-motion leap.” You don’t just quit what you’re doing and hope for the best. You start doing something in the direction you want to go, before quitting your old gig.

You take some time to build a foundation under yourself so that when you step off that cliff, there’s a bridge leading to your next career.

For example, if you want to be a writer, you have to write. Right now, today. Jeff Goins did so for two years while holding down another job before taking his “leap” into writing full-time.

There are many ways to get started. In 2001 I was interested in counseling and teaching, but had no credentials in either. Still, I managed to find teaching jobs in places that didn’t require teaching credentials, and I got counseling training and experience by volunteering with a community organization.

You might not be able to experiment like that if your bag is, say, performing surgery or defusing bombs, but most people can find SOME way to explore an interest that may become a calling.

Whether you build a bridge or take a sudden leap like I did, your path will unfold before you only when you do something. There’s no substitute for movement.

Here’s a link to that interview again. Enjoy:

The Art of Charm #463 – Interview with Jeff Goins

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Fat On the Inside

No one has ever called me fat.

A boy named Howard called me “bean pole” and “Mother Goose legs” in the 5th grade. I was skinny and my legs were long, in case the Mother Goose reference confused you.

(It still confuses me. I thought Mother Goose was an old woman who was not particularly tall. Tell me if I’m wrong.)

But I’ve never been called fat. Not even once. Unlike millions of other people, I bear no scars from fat-bashing bigots.

So why is it that whenever I see a person being humiliated, shamed, or otherwise treated badly because of their size, I feel outraged to my core?

Why do I rush to intervene when someone makes a disparaging remark to a stranger about her body?

Why was I offended by the ridiculously tiny bathroom on a recent domestic flight? I managed to use it, but there are plenty of people who would’ve had to hold it till we landed, because there’s no way they’d fit inside.  

If that doesn’t strike you as wrong, we need to talk.

“Fat on the Inside” Manifesto

I am fat on the inside. And I’d like to believe I’m not alone.

If your friend is rude to a fat person in my presence, I will have words for your friend.  You might want to warn them that not every fat person is identifiable on sight. Some of us travel incognito. And we will stand up for ourselves and each other.

If you feel the way I do, please speak up when you witness discrimination.

Complain when things are too small, whether in clothing, bathroom stalls, or anything else that should make life more (not less) pleasant.

Don’t stand by and watch someone be insulted, ignored, or otherwise disrespected. Be an advocate.

If you’re thin and you dislike fat people, please educate yourself about obesity. If its only cause were a lack of self-discipline, you and I would be as big as houses. It’s not that simple.

If you’re fat and you dislike fat people, you’ve been brainwashed. Self-compassion, along with education about the complexity of weight gain and loss, may help. They’re a start in the right direction, at least.

Please try not to bash your own body, or anyone else’s. I know it’s hard to resist in a society that demands punishment for being fat. But every time you fat-bash, even yourself, you’re upholding a reprehensible system. 

If I’ve offended anyone by claiming a status I have no right to claim, I understand and I’m sorry. I just don’t know how else to convey the strength of my solidarity. Calling myself an ally doesn’t quite capture it.

I expect to get hate mail for this post. There seems to be a lot of hatred aimed at fat-positive messengers.

I wonder where all that hatred comes from.

 

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Getting in Fights with Strangers

I saw a video on Facebook. Two drivers, apparently contesting a parking space, were ramming each other’s cars. They were using their vehicles like bumper cars at an amusement park. But there was nothing amusing about the video.

Below the video, people had left thousands of comments.  Many decried the stupidity of the combatants. I don’t think low intelligence had anything to do with it. I saw rage.

And I’ve been there.

I’ve never rammed someone else’s car with my own, but I have felt like it. Wanted to do it. Fantasized about it.

It Takes Two

Scenes like the one caught on video, in which so much physical damage is done, aren’t commonplace. But that’s not because the impulse is rare.

Usually at least one participant manages to grab hold of their last scrap of rational thinking and hold on tight.

Either that, or fear gets in the way. Fear of immediate harm or later punishment.

Statistics don’t favor both opponents letting go of reason and caution at the same time. One normally ends the madness by restraining their behavior.

Even When You Win…

I’m ashamed to say I’ve been involved in unfriendly disputes with strangers before. No matter what the outcome, I always feel like a loser afterwards.

When I let a stranger’s poor behavior influence my own, I lose my sense of being an okay person. For the rest of the day, I’m stuck on a skewer of shame for having participated in something ugly.

Whether you win or lose a rage-fueled contest with a stranger, you lose.

That’s why I feel sorry for the women (both drivers turned out to be women) in the video. They both drove away in cars that were wrecked. But I suspect the damage went deeper than that.

Road Rage

The real culprit in this story is rage.

Rage takes no prisoners. It tries to destroy everything and everyone, including the rager.

I think rage comes from two places:

Chronically suppressed anger

and/or

Childhood emotional injuries that have become triggers.

In my case, I have a trigger. My anger tends to take over when others “assert themselves at my expense.”

I put quotes around that because those words have burned themselves into my psyche, I’ve repeated them to myself so many times trying to figure out my reaction.

There’s something about someone asserting themselves at my expense that takes my anger from zero to sixty in no time flat.

I suspect it has something to do with having had an older sibling who took my toys. It’s that basic.

Emotional Reactivity

When we suffer injustice early in life, a pattern of emotional reactivity can be established in our brains.

Overcoming irrational impulses fired by that trigger takes time and effort, yes. But mostly it takes awareness.

If I physically attack someone because they’re being an a-hole to me, that person is NOT the problem.

The real problem is that I can’t handle myself around people who are acting like a-holes.

Rage steps in, urging me to pillage and burn instead of taking a step back.

I don’t know the stories of those two aggressive drivers on the video. But I know it was rage that made them do what they did.

And I can imagine how they felt afterwards.

The words, “There but for the grace of God go I” come to mind.

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Your Life Purpose Might Have Nothing to Do With Service

This post was inspired by this recent video from Marie Forleo, whom I appreciate and admire. It touches on the concepts of life purpose, service, and meaning.

A fan had written to Marie to ask how she could make sure her personal fulfillment didn’t decrease when she left her service profession and switched to art.

The fan was worried that her sense of meaning and purpose might suffer now that she was no longer serving others.

Now, Marie routinely offers some of the most straightforward, thoughtful and practical advice on the Web. So when I heard her answer to this question, I realized just how potent a trap she’d fallen into.

The Service Trap

Marie’s answer to the chaplain-turned-art-dealer was that her work would still serve people and be potentially world-changing. She listed specific ways in which art serves the world.

Though Marie is always enjoyable to listen to and she made wonderful points, I was troubled by the underlying assumption that a sense of meaning is tied to being of service to others — or making the world a better place.

I’m a funny one to reject this idea, since I feel my own life purpose is basically one of service. It’s what gives my life meaning.

But that’s me.

I want to say, for the record, that it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round. Your “deep purpose” might not change the world. And it doesn’t have to.

Don’t Worry About the World

There is such a thing as a life purpose that has nothing to do with service. Sure, artists and other creatives can improve the world. But for most of them, that’s just a pleasant coincidence. 

The important thing is to pursue YOUR purpose, whatever it is. That will change YOUR life. Start there.

If you’re not sure how your purpose in life serves others or makes the world better…

If you’re not even sure what your purpose in life IS…

Have a read of my recent post and let me know what you think:

Source: Service Is Not Your Purpose in Life | Psychology Today

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Making Decisions Gets Easier With Practice

I don’t like making decisions, especially about stuff I don’t have strong feelings about.

I find it easier to defer to others when I’m not sure what to do. Because guess what: It IS easier to leave decisions to other people. It’s like letting someone else clean your kitchen. How easy is that?

Making decisions all the time is a chore and a  half … but it’s one that pays off in the long run.

Think of it like exercising your muscles. Sure, it’s easier to let someone else do everything for you so you never break a sweat. Or even get out of your chair.

But over time, your muscles atrophy and you’re no longer fit enough to do anything.

If you suddenly decide you want to do something for yourself one day, you may find you CAN’T get out of the chair. You can’t do it because lack of exercise destroyed your fitness.

I recently wrote a post about why it’s important to make small, inconsequential decisions every day, and included some thoughts on how to do that if it’s hard for you.

As always, please let me know what you think.

Here’s the post: Difficulty Making Decisions? | Psychology Today

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Forget the Past? Bad Idea!

As a therapist, I sit with many people who’d like to forget the past, along with its most piercing injuries and disappointments, but they can’t. The past won’t let go of them.

Others have already forgotten huge chunks of their personal history, but they still feel stuck in it somehow, as if the past were so much invisible waist-high goo, keeping them from striding forward with confidence.

The Past Under Attack

There’s an almost angry insistence in our culture that the past is dead; it’s supposedly over and done with, and we should just get over it, no matter what horrible injustices we suffered, or what random awfulness took place. Read More

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9 Signs of Healthy Self-Esteem

What do you think of a person who always speaks well of others? Does she have high or low self-esteem?

You could argue that in order to speak well of others, one must think highly enough of oneself not to be threatened by other people’s excellence. Such a person could be thought to enjoy healthy self-esteem.

On the other hand, you might say that a person who always speaks highly of others is a people-pleaser who suffers from low self-esteem.… Continue reading

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How to Validate Someone

The need for validation, whether conscious or not, is universal. We all want to feel acceptable, worthy, and not-kooky in other people’s eyes.

But what is validation, anyway?

Most of us are a little fuzzy on this concept, and for good reason: Validation can be hard to come by in everyday life.

Let’s talk first about what validation feels like on the receiving end, and then we’ll look at how to do it.

Validation is a Gift

When someone validates us, we feel like we’re no longer alone.… Continue reading

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8 Things to Absolutely Expect in Relationships

Even though there’s a lot of talk about how entitled young people are these days, I see a lack of entitlement among all age groups in my practice as a therapist.

I see people putting up with pretty poor behavior from people they love, without uttering a word of protest.

Or, if they do protest, there are no consequences when the other person ignores them and keeps on behaving the same way.

There seems to be a pervasive fear — and when I say pervasive, I mean I feel it too — of getting too … uppity.

I believe this is a hold-over from childhood. Back then, our rights were limited and if we asked for something, we didn’t always get it.

Some of us  had the experience of making important people angry by expressing our needs and desires. So we stopped asking for what we wanted/needed, and focused instead on trying to be good, humble, and generous.

We try to give others what they need, but when it comes to receiving, we’re often clueless as to what to ask for.

With this in mind, I thought of 8 things we should all be expecting from our most important relationships. How many of these are in place for you?

8 Expectations It’s Good to Have in Relationships | Psychology Today

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What to Do When Someone Won’t Talk to You

How to Deal with Estrangement
Important Note: If you were abandoned with no explanation by your parent(s), this article doesn’t apply to you.

Note to parents: Read this first if your TEEN or YOUNG ADULT child has cut you off
Also, bookmark Chapter 1 from the Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children

Estrangement from important others is a sad fact of life for many people. One of the most painful experiences a parent can have is to be rejected by an adult child who appears to want nothing to do with them. Estrangement between siblings, in-laws, neighbors, even coworkers, is also common.

The reasons for estrangement are as diverse as the parties involved. Sometimes there was a very close relationship in the past, and something happened that created distance.
This may have happened either slowly over time or rather suddenly, but once that distance was created, it solidified into estrangement. Or, the relationship was never as close as it could have been, and the gap just kept getting wider, until there was no relationship at all.

If you’re estranged from an adult child, a sibling or someone in your social circle, and the estrangement is their choice rather than yours, you’re probably feeling rejected.

Rejection is a powerful emotion that can lead to all sorts of defensive behavior, which in turn can further alienate the rejecting person. If someone has chosen to have little or no contact with you, it’s important to acknowledge any softer feelings you may have about that.
Often when we’re hurt we resort to anger, resentment or vengefulness. But these are indicators of unacknowledged sadness, loss and grief.
What NOT to Do

There are steps you can take to try to mend fences. It’s worth trying to do so, because the other person may be suffering just as you are.

If it turns out that you both value the idea of having a relationship again (and that is definitely an if), you’ll avoid an unnecessary loss for both of you by doing what you can to make amends.

No matter what the history, cause or present state of your estrangement from the other person, one thing is certain: Trying to convince them verbally that they’re wrong to reject you is a losing strategy.
If you’ve tried anything at all, you’ve probably tried that. You may have explained your position in full detail, and been annoyed, confused or stymied to find the person unmoved by your compelling argument.

You must understand that the other person has a reason for wanting to reduce contact with you. It hurts to think about being rejected at all, and to accept that there’s a reason you were rejected is one of the hardest things any of us can do. However, it’s also necessary if you want to have a relationship with the person again.

And, by the way: What do you really want? Is it a relationship with this person that you truly desire, or do you simply need them to know that they’re wrong to reject you?

If it is truly a relationship that you want with this person who doesn’t seem to want one with you anymore, your options are limited, but you do have them.
There is much you can do to give the relationship a really good shot, but ultimately, you must realize that there’s only so much that’s within your control.
Don’t give up prematurely, though! Here’s what you need to know.
When someone won’t talk to you…
1. How they feel is the most important “fact.”
Their emotions constitute the absolute truth of the matter for them, regardless of how differently you may see things. Arguing about facts is useless. People don’t end important relationships on a whim; at some point they really must have felt hurt/unseen/devalued/attacked/vilified/dismissed/damaged/ignored/betrayed/rejected/disrespected by you enough to build that wall.
Of course you never meant to hurt anyone, but they got hurt somehow anyway. That’s reality. That’s a fact.

Understand, acknowledge, empathize, and apologize. Any attempt to excuse or explain your behavior will make things worse between you.

2. Curiosity is seen as caring.
You can tell someone all day and night how much you care about them, but if you’re not the least bit curious about how they feel, how deep can that caring really go? To be genuinely curious about someone else’s experience is a gift not commonly given.
Now is the time to give the other person the gift of your curiosity about them.

You might send a letter or an email acknowledging their rejection of you, taking a guess as to the cause if appropriate, and asking for details of their experience. Finish by asking what you can do to make amends. Make suggestions you know they will appreciate, if appropriate.

3. Make an effort on their behalf.
Think of how you might set things right between the two of you, in a way that speaks to the other person. What do they want? What might they need? How can you selflessly be of assistance to them right now? Actions do speak louder than words, so you’ll need to balance your curiosity (see #2 above) with a contribution of active energy.
Making an effort, going out of your way to say or do something meaningful to the other person (rather than to you), will demonstrate your good intentions.
4. Validate their feelings.
You do not have to agree with their view of what happened in order to do this! You need only understand how they see things from their point of view.
 
See my article on Validation for details.
Right about now, you might be feeling that all of this is WAYYY too one-sided. How is it fair that you have to bend over backwards to fix things, while they do nothing?
It’s not.
It’s not fair, but since they’re ready to end the relationship and walk away, fairness is moot.
And along those same lines…
5. This is not about you.
Your story is not interesting right now to the person who rejected you. They are only interested in their story.
Since it was they who initiated the estrangement, your only remaining option is to be curious about them, to validate their feelings, and to be available to them in a way that they define as positive or useful.

Imagine if you went to a dentist with a sore tooth, and the dentist came into the waiting room and sat down beside you and said, “I know you’ve got a sore tooth, but I am so upset today I can barely work.”

Imagine the dentist launching into a story about what’s going on at home that’s got her so upset. How much do you care, as you sit there with your hand on your cheek and your tooth aching like crazy, about the dentist’s problems?
When you’re hurting, it’s hard to be interested in others. Realize that the person who cut you off is hurting, even if they don’t act like it.
6. Accept their decision.
For whatever reason, no matter what you do, the other person may decide not to let you back into their life.
Let them know that you accept their decision, that you genuinely wish them well, and that the door is always open if they change their mind. Acknowledge to yourself the loss of the relationship, and allow yourself to mourn. Practice constructive wallowing.

Accept the new reality of your life without that person in it. You will survive without them. Your life may look and feel different to you, but it will be yours to do with as you please.

If they ever do change their mind and come knocking on your door, decide right now to let them find a peaceful, whole person on the other side. 
 
Help is at hand for Parents of Estranged Adult Children
 

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