Tina Gilbertson's Blog

Perspective Changes

Walking through my local city park this morning, I noticed one else was there.

‘There’s no one in the park right now,’ I thought to myself.

But then I remembered that I was in the park. So there was someone in the park after all.

Small, spontaneous perspective shifts like this remind me that a change in perspective is always possible. As Daniel Kahneman said in Thinking, Fast and Slow, what we see is not all there is.

There’s a lot of “Us vs. Them” thinking in the world. Many of us believe that “They” have the wrong idea about things, whereas “We” know the truth. But what we see — or what they see — is not all there is.

I’m questioning my perspective these days. I maintain my values, but those don’t have to be tied to a particular way of seeing things. Perspective is not the same as values. Or at least, that’s not the only way to think about it.

Noticing other perspectives makes me feel like a growing version of myself, expanding and opening rather than shrinking and hardening over time.

The city park is a good place for thinking deep thoughts. I’m going to go there more often … even if no one (else) is there.

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Setting Boundaries with Adult Children: A Practical Guide

It’s natural for parents to want to support their children, no matter their age. But when it comes to adult children, setting boundaries can be especially challenging. Parents may feel torn between offering help and maintaining healthy, respectful limits.

Recently, I had the opportunity to contribute to this article in Woman’s World that offers practical guidance on how to set boundaries lovingly but firmly with adult children.

The article refers to situations that may be tricky for boundary-setting, i.e., financial assistance and sharing your home. It also provides specific language that can be used in these often difficult conversations.

The advice in the article reflects a thoughtful approach to maintaining one’s own well-being while still being there for an adult child.

Setting limits isn’t always easy, especially when you have a genuine desire to help and support your child(ren). However, it’s important to remember that protecting one’s own boundaries isn’t just about self-care; it also sets a healthy example. By establishing clear limits, you can model the importance of clear boundaries in any relationship, including within the family.

For anyone struggling with boundary-setting in their relationship with adult children, I highly recommend this article. It’s a valuable resource for navigating the complex dynamics of this stage of life.

How to Set Boundaries With Adult Children: Experts Share Firm Yet Loving Strategies

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Remember to Breathe

One of our new members over in the Reconnection Club recently posted an introduction in which she said she was reminding herself to breathe.

There was a time in my life when such a thing would have struck me as bizarre; isn’t breathing automatic? Why would anyone need to remember to do it?

But the more I learn about breathing, the more I come to understand that not all breathing is automatic

Survival breathing is what we do automatically; its only job is to keep us alive. But depending on our history and present circumstances, our survival breathing may be very different from breathing to maximize health and well-being.

In short, breathing for survival is not the same as breathing for life, which is what that wise new member is probably wanting to do.

Keep It Simple

Life- and health-giving breathing doesn’t have to be complicated. Pick ONE of the following:

– Breathe through your nose, not your mouth.

– Concentrate on inviting the breath to go deep, not stay up near your neck.

– Let your belly expand when you breathe in.

– Slow your breathing to 5-6 breaths per minute. Or…

– Make your exhale longer than your inhale.

Doing even one of these daily, even for 5 minutes, can create positive changes.

Mindful breathing is free, requires no equipment, and has been acknowledged as an effective health practice by cultures all over the world.

That’s definitely something worth remembering.

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Photos

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Stop Worrying Right This Second

What are you worried most about right now? Finances? A relationship? Someone’s health?

All of those are significant. Trouble with any is worrisome.

But as we know, worrying is pointless. It can’t pay the bills, repair a relationship, or heal a disease. 

But still, we worry.

Focus on Feelings

If you want to stop worrying, you’ve got to control your focus. Everyone knows this. But what everyone doesn’t necessarily know is that it’s not a matter of changing what you think about.

Actually, changing your thoughts is exactly the wrong way to stop worrying in the long run.

The right way is to focus on the emotions (not the thoughts) that are fueling the worry. Here’s what it looks like…

You find yourself worried about something. So you ask yourself, “What am I feeling about this?” 

It’s usually some form of fear that’s creating the worry. It might be fear of rejection, deprivation, humiliation or ruin. In extreme cases, it’s the fear of actual death.

Worry vs. Fear

Focusing on the fear itself takes the wind out of worry’s sails. Fear is the problem; worry is just a coping mechanism.

So to stop worrying (coping), you must willingly experience the fear itself. Know it. Own it. Embrace it.

Talk yourself through it, labeling the emotion. E.g., “I’m terrified that this relationship may be over. I’m scared sick at the thought of losing this person.”

You might ask, “Why on earth would I experience raw fear on purpose?” Good question.

It’s up to you. You can shepherd yourself through the reality of your fear, or you can worry.

The Hard Choice

Let’s say you choose to feel the fear. Once you’re on the other side of that, you’ll be in a different place from where you are now. You might even be a slightly different person.

As far as I can tell, there’s no “other side” of worry. It’s perpetual, unless/until the fear underneath it is faced.

Did you like this post? If so, here’s more on the topic:

How to Stop Worrying When Your Thoughts Won’t Cooperate | Psychology Today

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Being Generous Drives Business Success (Unless You’re a Woman)

Over the years, books like Adam Grant’s Give and Take have popularized the idea that you can get ahead in business by putting other people first. 

According to this wisdom, rather than looking out for Number One all the time, success-seekers should give their time and attention to others while expecting nothing in return. This is considered one of the greatest open secrets of effective networking. 

The problem is, women have been doing that for centuries without getting ahead.

Some Go-Givers Don’t Get Much Back

I really like the concept of being, in the words of Bob Burg and John David Mann, a “go-giver.” I just don’t think it works particularly well in business … unless you’re a man.

When a businessman is generous with his time, attention, or contacts, he’s considered an exceptional guy. He’s astute, forward-thinking, a wizard at business relationships. He gets ahead because he stands out.

When a businesswoman does the same thing, she’s just doing what women do, which is to help others and make their needs a priority. Her career will not take off because she’s generous. On the contrary, her time and energy are likely to be taken for granted. 

If a businesswoman does someone a favor, it doesn’t necessarily attract notice, let alone reciprocation. In some sense, it’s as if she “owes” other people her time and attention. 

Did a female entrepreneur make time to talk to you about something she’s an expert at?

Of course she did.

But if a male entrepreneur donates HIS time to help you, well. You might feel you owe him a favor.

All to say, if you’re a woman in business, don’t expect following the principles in Adam Grant’s (admittedly excellent) book to rocket you to success.

If you’re a man, though, you’ll see the potential as you read through the (mostly male) case studies.

Women and Boundaries

We women fare better in business when we place the proper value — and boundaries — on our time.

I once got an email from someone who wanted me to read a manuscript of their book, but refused to send me a hard copy. If I didn’t want to sit in front of my computer reading the whole thing, I would have had to print out the book-length manuscript myself. That is, expend my own time and resources to do a stranger a favor. 

I personally benefited from the generosity of a couple of authors (both male) who graciously agreed to read my first manuscript. So I was happy to pay it forward and do the same for someone else. But this person’s unwillingness to value my time meant that I never got the opportunity.

I drew the line at printing the manuscript, and its author couldn’t be bothered to print it for me. So I didn’t read it.

We women must set boundaries around our time and energy. If we don’t, we can’t expect others to treat those as the precious resources they are.

While men in business may need to learn to give more, women need to learn to assert and protect our value.

What do you think? Is generosity gendered? Or can women get ahead in business just as easily as men by giving to others? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think.

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Attribution Theory and Relationship Trouble

When someone acts badly, it’s tempting to see them as simply a rude, selfish, or inconsiderate person. But it might not be quite so simple.

Attribution Theory says that when others behave badly, we tend to attribute their bad behavior to personality. But when we behave in similar ways, we think of our behavior in terms of an exception to a general rule (i.e., good behavior).

We’re always the hero in our own minds, doing the best we can under the circumstances. But others? Not so much.

It’s not wrong to see ourselves as good people; we should be our own heroes. The problem comes when we don’t extend the same courtesy to others.

Good People, Bad Behavior

Imagine that someone close to you has landed in the hospital. They’re in critical condition, and you want to get to them as soon as possible. So you jump into your car and drive as fast as you safely can…

You might speed past other cars on the road. You might cut in front of someone, swerving crazily. You might even run right through some red lights on the way. 

The strangers who witness your driving won’t know you’re racing to the side of an injured loved one. Most will assume you’re either an a**hole, or stupid, or just being reckless. They don’t know you like you do. And they certainly don’t know what you’re up against right now.

The next time someone behaves badly, see if you can come up with some reasons why they might be acting that way. Nobody acts in a vacuum. There is context to every action.

If you’re the parent of an adult child who’s not talking to you, find out how this common bias might be playing in to the estrangement, and what you can do about it: Why Your Estranged Child Doesn’t Want to Reconcile | Psychology Today

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Read This ONLY If You’re Easily Embarrassed

Embarrassing moments can strike at any time.

For example, many years ago, my brother and his girlfriend were enjoying lunch at one of those sushi places where the dishes come around on a conveyor belt. Whenever you’re ready for your next bite, boom! there’s fresh food floating by right in front of you. You just reach out to the conveyor belt and scoop a plate off it.

Personally, I love a good sushi train. But on that fateful day, something unexpected happened.

Oh, Soy Can You See?

Somehow, one of the plates that had already gone past caught the corner of something.

Soon, the plates behind it started piling up. Then, with a noisy clatter, plates started falling and spilling their contents … right onto the table where my brother and his girlfriend were seated.

My brother, recognizing that he and his girlfriend hadn’t caused the accident, hardly flinched. However, his girlfriend all but disintegrated into a puddle of embarrassment.

And it’s true: Millions of people would have been embarrassed by what happened, even if they weren’t the cause of it. It’s as if it happened to them instead of just happening near them.

If you belong to that slightly more sensitive tribe, you’ll want to read my article below. In it, I talk about new research on how to keep yourself from drowning in embarrassment when “soy” happens.

Here it is: Embarrassed? Here’s How to Get Over It Quickly

(And when you’re done with that one, circle back here and read why shame is a useless emotion.)

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Forgiveness is Not a Menu Option

Every time I talk about forgiveness, I run into disagreement.

When I make the statement, “Forgiveness is not a choice,” I always get pushback from people who think I’m saying something else.

What they think I’m saying is, “Hey, you know what would be fun? Why don’t you hang on to your hurt on purpose and refuse to forgive the person who hurt you, even though you so totally could forgive them if you wanted to? Doesn’t that sound great?”

For the record, that’s not what I’m saying. And it drives me a little nuts when people think it is. 

What I’m trying to say is that forgiveness is a feeling, not just a policy. And that if you’re having a hard time forgiving, it’s not your fault. You’re not a bad person because you can’t forgive. 

It’s. Not. A. Choice.

Forgiveness is a feeling. An emotion. We don’t control what we feel any more than we control the actions of our autonomic nervous system.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before: “Refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

To me, that’s like saying, “Being short is like punching yourself in the stomach and expecting other people to double over.” I’m not good at analogies. The point is, being short isn’t a refusal to be tall, just as a failure to forgive is not a refusal to forgive.

Anyone who believes that they should be able to CHOOSE to forgive has been suckered into believing something that’s not true, that blames them for something they can’t help.

Stop Blaming Yourself

I saw a meme on Facebook celebrating the “strength” it takes to forgive in the absence of apology or remorse. It had very few “Likes,” and understandably so.  

Your instincts are correct: Forgiving someone who hurts you and shows no remorse is neither necessary nor healthier for you than continuing to feel however you do about it.

It’s not that you’re drinking poison; it’s that you’ve been poisoned. Big difference.

I fear there are people out there I’ll never convince. People who may get terribly hurt one day, and blame themselves for not being able to forgive. It’s frustrating and sad.

Here’s my original post, about the 3 conditions needed for forgiveness to occur (not be chosen), over on PsychologyToday.com:

When You Can’t Forgive

 

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Why You DON’T Need to Stay Positive

My old doctor’s office handed out a brochure called 7 Tips for Healthy Living. One of those tips was “Keep a positive mental outlook.”

I like that they linked physical and emotional health, but I’m not sure they got the details quite right.

We’ve all heard of people who bring joy to everyone around them with their sunny outlook, yet succumb to cancer in the prime of their lives.

And there’s also the cliche about mean old people who are “too ornery to die.” They’re not positive at all, but they’re healthy as horses.

On both sides of the positivity scale, there are too many examples to call these exceptions.

But let’s say we want to practice having a positive mental outlook … just in case it could have a real impact on our health.

What does it look like?

I guess it means when you miss the bus, instead of cursing and stamping your feet, you smile and say, “I’m sure another one will be along in 30 short minutes!”

Or maybe even, “Fantastic! This gives me a chance to test the hypothesis that being cold makes you stronger.'”

Just one question: How does lying to yourself like that make you healthier?

Correlation vs. Causation

While there may be a link between a positive outlook and good health, nobody knows for sure that one causes the other.

Maybe a positive disposition is carried on the same gene as longevity.

Or maybe being healthy makes you feel positive, not the other way around.

So should we try to be as upbeat as possible in order to improve our health? Not if logic matters.

Just because something sounds simple and is easy to say (e.g., “Happy people live longer”) doesn’t mean it’s true. While research is important, the analysis and significance of results is often misinterpreted by the media. Not to mention the researchers themselves in some cases.

I happen to buy the evidence suggesting a link between a [genuine] positive outlook and living longer.

But for any emotional disposition, including a positive one, to be genuine, it must be organic-like and spontaneous-ish. You can’t build a positive outlook in a workshop or bake it in an oven. Saying, wishing, or wanting it doesn’t make it so.

But it’s okay. Just be you. 

Because there’s plenty of research indicating an actual causal  relationship between attempting to be something other than what you are, and physiological STRESS. 

That means trying to be positive when you’re not feeling that way may be very bad for you. We know this with more certainty than we know why happy people live longer.

Maybe my doctor’s brochure should have read,  “Let yourself have the feelings you have, not just the ones you wish you had. You’re less likely to die from stress.”

I like that better. It’s easier to do than ignoring upsets and disappointments. 

Darn. I should have memorized the other six tips.

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