Colleen Brown's Blog, page 80

"It felt good, didn’t it?Knowing that I was already downand you being able to push meeven..."

“It felt good, didn’t it?

Knowing that I was already down

and you being able to push me

even further into the hole

that you dug for me, 

while waving your hands around

pretending that you were

going to save me all along.”

- CB

"I hope you’re happy.”is just another way of saying“I’m unhappy without you."

“I hope you’re happy.”

is just another way of saying

“I’m unhappy without you.”

- CB

"We believed that loving each other would be enough. That no amount of milesthat separated our..."

“We believed that loving each other 

would be enough. That no amount of miles

that separated our bodies

could ever really push our hearts

apart. We convinced ourselves

that time was on our side

and that these months that had been

put between us could only 

make our desire to be together again

grow stronger. It was real, this feeling.

Our hope of being reunited could have

sheltered us from any storm

without being hurt, without being

totally destroyed. This waiting,

this forced patience had become

a second nature to me.

But while I was still holding on

and letting the bitterness

of these seasons pass,

you were moving on 

and letting go.

While I remained true

to these promises that I swore

to keep, you were emptying yours

and putting your words

inside of someone who was only

a train ride away.”

- “I was oblivious to your unexpected withdraw,” - Colleen Brown

I just want to lay beside the one I love and tell them about the many reasons to why I love them. I...

I just want to lay beside the one I love and tell them about the many reasons to why I love them. I want the moonlight to hit our skin so I can see myself drawing my own constellations on their back with my fingertips while they are dozing off, thinking of names for each cluster of created stars. I want to give and receive half asleep kisses and wake up in the middle of the night to reach over and still feel them there. To reassure myself that it wasn’t just a dream. That all of this sleepy eyed intensity actually did happened.

and I’m just hopingthat day will come soon

and I’m just hoping

that day will come soon

"When I talk about love to my father I feel like I’m 14 years old again, trying to convince him..."

“When I talk about love to my father I feel like I’m 14 years old again, trying to convince him that I know what I want and that my heart will always belong to him. Today I am 22 years old and now I understand why he always wanted me to wait, wait and wait some more. I’m sitting on the arm of the chair and he’s on the couch, watching the playoffs and asking me if I mean it this time. That if this is really what I think to be love, will I still believe in it in another 8 years? But this time, I do. This time I know it's authentic. He asks me what love is and this time I do not describe a feeling or a thought or a scene from a film, but his name. Always his name. My father takes another sip of coffee, it’s almost 11 p.m. and I don’t know how he goes to sleep with all that cream and sugar, and he asks me if he will be enough for me. He asks me if the man who wields my heart will only keep it safe and not give it back when times become too tough for him to handle, and when my heart becomes too heavy for him to hold. This time I say yes. When I was 14 I had to take a moment to think about this question that my father had always asked me whenever we discussed love in the family room, and now I am 22 and I know that there hasn’t been many years that have passed since then but this time, I can say yes and not look back at the past and wonder if it’s true. This time I can say his name and it be enough for my father to believe.”

- “When my father and I talk about love, I feel like I’m 14 again,” - Colleen Brown

"She mistook my despair for selfishness. My longing for irritation. My honesty for cruelty. And my..."

“She mistook my despair for selfishness. My longing for irritation. My honesty for cruelty. And my tenderness for fraud.”

- and that’s why we never made it

“Tell me about the one you love,”- a question that I asked my...

“Tell me about the one you love,”-  a question that I asked my followers and here are some of the anonymous responses. If you sent me one of these replies and want to be credited, let me know and I will credit you in the photograph.

how did you get over being cheated on? How did you learn to trust again enough to be with someone else? I've had bad relationships my entire life and I'm in one right now that feels good but I still spend most days feeling anxious and unable to trust. Most

It takes time, love. It always takes time. Time and especially effort on both persons parts. It’s not your fault that your heart is weary and wants to be on guard. That is a good thing actually. Sometimes you have to let people in. Mostly the right people because then it’s worth it. You just have to keep in mind that this person is not the other person. This person is different. This person may or may not hurt you. Don’t put everything inside of them yet, but don’t leave them with nothing. It all depends on your relationship. Trust is the main thing. If you can trust them, you can do anything. If you don’t have to second-guess or worry about what they are doing without you, that’s a good and healthy relationship. Or a relationship that is worth holding. 

It took me a lot of time to not only get over it but to trust others and myself when it came to giving out my hope and heart. I was always on edge or always assuming things. Mostly when it came to the person who hurt me when I stayed with them. But my heart and my head were not wrong in that situation because in the end, they did it to me again, and I wasn’t wrong. 

The man I am with now, have been with for years, I can trust him with literally every section of my being. I have never had to panic or stress because he was without me. I could fully rely on him and knowing that he would never hurt me because I would never hurt him. I knew that we both loved and still love each other. That we are the one ones that we want to come home to. That no one else comes into our mind because it’s too full of them. 

All relationships are different though. All relationships need time to grow and time to trust. There is nothing wrong with that. You just have to have hope, love. Hope that this one is not like the last. Hope that things will only grow and become even more beautiful and that this will be the one that know will never hurt you for selfish reasons or for reasons that are indeed in their control. Just have hope, love. 

the colors of this mornings sunrise are the kind that I’ve...

the colors of this mornings sunrise are the kind that I’ve always wanted to soak in,