Nik Nicholson's Blog, page 15

Here- Alessia Cara

I’m sorry if I seem uninterested

Oh I’m not listenin’, oh I’m indifferent

Truly I ain’t got no business here

But since my friends are here, I just came to kick it

But really I would rather be at home all by myself

Not in this room with people who don’t even care about my well being

I don’t dance, don’t ask, I don’t need a boyfriend

So you can, go back, please enjoy your party

I’ll be here, somewhere in the corner

Under clouds of marijuana with this boy who’s hollerin’

And I can hardly hear

Over this music I don’t listen to

And I don’t wanna get with you

So tell my friends that I’ll be over here

Oh oh oh here, oh oh oh here

Oh oh oh I asked myself, what am I doin’ here?

Oh oh oh here, oh oh oh here

And I can’t wait ’til we can break up out of here

Excuse me if I seem a little unimpressed with this

An antisocial pessimist, but usually I don’t mess with this

And I know you mean only the best and your

Intentions aren’t to bother me, but honestly I’d rather be

Somewhere with my people, we can kick it and just listen to

Some music with a message, (Like we usually do)

And we’ll discuss our big dreams, how we plan, to take over the planet

So pardon my manners, I hope you’ll understand that I’ll be here (Ooh)

Not there in the kitchen

With the girl who’s always gossipin’ about her friends

Oh tell them I’ll be here

(Ooh) right next to the boy who’s throwin’ up

‘Cause he can’t take what’s in his cup no more

Oh God why am I here?

Oh oh oh here, oh oh oh here

Oh oh oh I asked myself, what am I doin’ here?

Oh oh oh here, oh oh oh here

And I can’t wait ’til we can break up out of here

Hours later congregatin’ next to the refrigerator

Some girl’s talkin’ ’bout a hater, she ain’t got none

How did it ever come to this? I should’ve never come to this

So holla at me, I’ll be in the car when you’re done

I’m stand-offish, don’t want what you’re offerin’

And I’m done talkin’, awfully sad it had to be that way

So tell my people when they’re ready that I’m ready

And I’m standin’ by the TV with my beanie low

Yo I’ll be over here

Oh oh oh here, oh oh oh here

Oh oh oh I asked myself, what am I doin’ here?

Oh oh oh here, oh oh oh here

And I can’t wait ’til we can break up out of here (Oh oh, oh oh)

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: music, poem, poetry

Response to not receiving my artist grant 11/14/2015

i don’t want to dream

too big

too big

cause i don’t want fall

so far

so far

down.

i just want to dream

a little bit

a little bit

and take

one step forward

never looking back

never looking back.

I’d already started to plan for how I would distribute money over my projects. I was going to pay for health insurance for a year.  My job reviews how many hours we work for health insurance every six months.  So even if I were willing to take the financial hit to take time and write, I couldn’t keep my health insurance.  I’d like to just take the Affordable Health Insurance, so I’m not having to constantly stress about whether I’m getting and/or working enough hours.

I was going to take a couple weeks to tour with my poetry book.  I’d already started to discuss with another poet how we would book the tour, through bookstores, coffee shops, poetry groups and colleges.  Something told me to wait until I found out if I actually got the grant before I got too emotionally invested.

I was going to cut my hours at work so I could focus on producing more projects.  I think I could get three books out next year if I owned more of my time.  When I moved to St. Louis and was looking for a new job, I also completed a novel.  Editing and rewriting was consuming.  With minimal time obligations it took about six months.  Now I’m so tired some days, I don’t answer the phone or even open my laptop.

I planned to work part time and work full time on my projects.  Which meant spending entire days at the library.  Especially since this current project is also research intensive.

The long term goal was to produce enough work, that it would sustain me… And I could permanently work part time and create full time.

I had already started interviewing editors who specialize in dialect.  I want my work to always be improving.  I was going to actually have money to pay professional editors.  Not that I don’t love my friends and appreciate their feedback.  I just feel a few professional editors would be a great addition to the process.  Not to mention, I learned so much from the writer who edited my first book.

It would be awesome to get a budget for the video I’ve been trying to complete.  I have so many projects going at one time, so few financial resources and I’m dividing what little I have between them… sometimes it feels impossible.

I can still do all the things I want, but it’s a struggle. I make just enough to live… So, not getting this grant is not going to stop my work but it will delay it.  I’ll just have to go on payment plans with editors and cover producers.  It’s heartbreaking to say the least.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: a writing life, art, artist, focus, funding, goals, grants, poem, poet, poetry, writer, writing

The Perfect Printer for a Starving Writer

I bought a printer about a year ago.  Because I’m a #writer and print a lot for #editing, I choose my printer based on the cost of ink.  Usually I price ink on Ebay, Amazon and at my local Target.  For this printer, I can replenish all the ink for about $6.  Which is awesome because if I bought the name brand ink it would be $38.38 before taxes, (I just priced it).

Still when I received the printer it was challenging setting it up. I was really disappointed because it didn’t have the functionality advertised.  I bought it online but didn’t hook it up until I needed to use it.  By then, I’d missed the window to return it.  It was so difficult getting it to print.

Eventually it printed Google Docs and anything online, but wouldn’t print directly from my PC. It also set itself up to print for anyone on the network, still not from actual PCs.  This Wifi access was something new, though not fully functioning.  The previous printer, which I had forever, only printed directly from one PC.  I’d had the previous printer since back when I used a desktop.

You only buy cartridges one time. Then you fill them as needed. The refill ink is inexpensive. You can get all the colors for $15. I can’t tell how big the jug is and it doesn’t list the volumes online, but I’m sure it’s considerably cheaper than brand ink.

Recently I had to change the ink on my new printer.  As a result, it stopped printing.  I was so frustrated and I was kind of disappointed with myself all over again that I chose this printer.  I mean, I did all this research and still bought a problem.  I don’t have money to throw away so I’ve been finding ways to make it work.

Over the coarse of Googling methods to fix it, I found these How-to videos on Youtube.  Turns out different computers require different steps to set up printers on them, which are not all outlined in the printer manual.  In the process of fixing the ink issue, I finally connected the printer to the actual computer. I also found and explored all these other functions.   Now I can print not only from my PC, but my phone and remotely. It is pretty cool.

On the downside, every time I change the ink I can look forward to cleaning the header to make it accept the ink and print. The upside, the ink is far cheaper than standard.  Also you get what you pay for.  I bought this printer so that I could print the most at the best value.  So I will have to clean the headers as a normal step to changing the ink, every single time. Based on previous experience, there is usually some weirdness whenever you buy off brand ink. I’m just glad there is a solution to this problem.  I’m ok with having an extra step to save tons of money.

If you are big on the environment and recycling you can get this. You never have to change out the cartridges, you only have to pour more ink into the canisters. Also you can visually monitor the ink and not rely on your printer’s system information. Depending on how much you print this is listed as two years of ink.  This ink is also fairly inexpensive to refill. If you are like me, you won’t use much colored ink.

Going forward, I will read reviews, specifically negative ones so I can fully comprehend what I’m buying.  The truth is, normally I would read reviews, but because I decided to buy this printer after seeing it in Target and pricing the ink I didn’t vet it the way I do, when I’m getting a product online.  I felt like I was making a great decision when I decided to buy it online because it was $50 more in the store.  I could tell by the stars, there were negative reviews, but I’ve had success with things online where other people had problems.  On top of that, I know you can’t please everyone.

Truthfully, there are more positive reviews than negative…  It’s almost at five stars.  However, I think the negative ones are more helpful and honest.  Some of the positive reviews after I actually read them seem more like marketing more than actual consumers.  While the negatives all seem to hi-light the same challenges.

Had I initially read the negative reviews, I would have started off with the cheap knock off ink, so the printer would NOT be programmed by the expensive branded half empty chipped ink included.  Until today, I didn’t know they put a programming chip on the initial ink cartridges to keep you from being able to use off brand cartridges.  After reading several reviews, I learned it’s this printer’s policy to make it difficult to use cheaper ink.  Which I also get, we’re capitalist.  Had I started off with the cheap off brand I may not have had to do all the steps it took to make it finally accept the new ink.  There are always positives in every negative.  Then again, I don’t’ know if I would have felt comfortable buying it.

I couldn’t decide if I should include the printer because people gave it really bad reviews, for good reason.  This printer requires a lot of time and patience.  If it were not for my commitment to the investment, I wouldn’t have resolved several of the initial challenges.  If I had tons of disposable income, I might have chucked it and payed $40 every single time I needed to get more ink, which by the way would be often.

Over all, I decided to write this post to share ink options and because it has been a long battle with this printer.  It’s only fair that I note, it’s usually challenging to use cheaper ink for all printers.  My last printer sometimes would not recognize the cheaper cartridges.  Which was fine, because I buy both ink and paper in bulk.  So I’d always have several cartridges on hand it would recognize. Because cheaper ink is like $1 per color, while the expensive name brand charges $24 per color unless you buy in bulk, which brings them down to about $18-20 per color.  I was ok if one didn’t work every now and then, I was still saving.  There were fewer steps in changing the ink with my previous printer, but it was also much older and very straight forward.  My laptop is older too, so I’m not sure if the connection issues are about the printer or my laptop.   Still, I am grateful it all finally worked out and I’m finally getting what I bargained for.

Filed under: Uncategorized

God Is Trying To Tell You Something

This is one of my favorite movies and a scene that has stayed with me years after seeing it. I have read the Color Purple several times over the years and always find something new to love about it.  I was introduced to the movie before I knew there was a book… I was a kid when the movie came out and forbidden to watch it.  I spent years trying to see it.  Then when I found out it was a book, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I feel this scene is symbolic on so many levels.  One, the worse sinner based on the time period brings the entire juke joint, a din of sinners to church.

Shug Avery was a nonconforming woman.  Shug was bisexual, promiscuous, a singer of the devil’s music, took lovers, took risks, spoke her mind, traveled with a band and did not apologize for her freedom.  All this during a time, when it was customary for men to beat their wives.  When to be a good woman meant to be long suffering and self sacrificing.  She said to hell with all that and lived.

In reading the novel you see how even though she chose freedom she mourned all those who abandoned her because she was free.  Which I think makes her story so relative. We all have to make the best choices for ourselves and sometimes that means the people we are attached to will remove themselves from our lives.  Which is something we all fear, not being loved or accepted… While needing to love and accept ourselves.  So many powerful messages and lessons in “The Color Purple.”

In the end, she is the person who shows that we are all spiritual beings, we are all connected and she bridges the gap man dug with his religion of exclusion.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: affirming self, african american history, alice walker, art, bible, bisexual, black female writer, black history, Black Women, book, coming out, inspiration, lesbian, queer, religion, Spiritual Journey, spirituality, The Color Purple

We Teach People How To Treat Us

I’m contemplating this saying, “We teach people how to treat us.”  I’m considering my treatment and asking myself what kind of instructions am I giving.  I am surrounded by love. I am surrounded by creative, passionate, hardworking, evolving, spiritual and loving people.  I think they are reflections of who I am.

A few people, the ones closest to me have really hurt me lately.  I can’t teach my parents or family how to treat me by what I allow.  I needed them before I knew about allowing.  Now that I can choose what I allow, I’m considering relationships where I’m feeling hurt, dismissed or ignored.  I don’t feel like I’m accepting this behavior. But maybe I am.  I don’t believe in abandoning people because we are all human and I’ve definitely harmed.  I’ve definitely been inconsiderate, callous, selfish and dysfunctional.

I am grateful for all the people who stayed.  I am grateful for their forgiveness and belief in me being a better person than a moment, action or words.  I am grateful for their honesty, in speaking their expectations and allowing room and time for me to grow.  I also am grateful for them acknowledging and accepting me as a changed person.  Sometimes we harm, and all people see is how we’ve hurt them.  They don’t see how we’ve grown or how sincere we are about not hurting them, others or ourselves.  Also, I don’t think it has ever been my intent to hurt anyone.  Unless it was a reflex, like speaking in response to being wounded or swinging in defense.

Forgiveness teaches me not to take it personal when someone hurts my feelings.  Because I’ve been forgiven and I’ve forgiven myself I enter every situation in that awareness.  We all have pasts. A lot of people are not operating in the moment. A lot of people are responding to what they are projecting… Even me. I’m projecting forgiveness.  I’m projecting compassion.

I’m projecting all the things a few people haven’t given me.  There are people who have decided to remain angry with me.  Which I’m grateful for too.  It reminds me how hurt can anchor us in the past.  It reminds me how I cannot limit anyone’s growth to my experience with them, especially years ago.  It encourages me to tackle any unresolved anger.

I used to feel guilty and wish there was something I could do to smooth out the places I’ve made mistakes.  After forgiving myself, I found when it was most difficult to forgive others it was because of what I allowed.  I wasn’t actually angry with them, but with myself.  So whenever I see someone, who is still in a weird space regarding me, I can’t help but wonder what opportunity are they using me to avoid… Maybe I’m projecting.

I have let some people go, who showed it as their goal to be harmful and dishonest.  Like they were growing to have their destruction less detectable.  I also don’t speak against them.  All the people I know and love, are so enlightened they usually figure it out.  I also don’t speak against them, because like me, they may be different.  I believe commitments to destructive behavior is a complete lack of faith in themselves and others, so they are trying to create an optimal situation with dishonesty, destruction and harm.  I am always praying for all of our healing.  Black women, we have so much inherited dysfunction.

I definitely inherited hatred for my skin, my hair, my body type and even speaking my mind.  Now, I feel like I love myself.  Could I love me more? Yes.  Am I working towards that?  Yes. Every day, I love me a little bit more.

But let me be real. I don’t always stick to the diets I put myself on. I go to sleep or hang out on Facebook when I could be working out.   I stay up watching Netflix, reading, writing, drawing, researching or whatever when I should be asleep.  Then I’m exhausted and suffering the next day.  That’s not love. LOL!  I’d even argue, I’m more forgiving of others than I am of myself.  I beat myself up for being human.  I don’t write as much as I should. I don’t paint as much as I could.  There are tons of opportunities I am not following up on, and I feel that isn’t loving me… So if I had to speak for how I’m loving myself I’d said I’m a pretty shitty lover.  So there is room to grow… I can also see how others witnessing the way I break promises to myself may feel they can half ass love me too.

So where do I draw the line? What is too much? When do I end relationships with people? How do I teach people to treat me better?  Especially as I’m practicing loving me better as I write.  This is my meditation.

Filed under: random, Self Reflection, Spiritual/ Religious Tagged: a writing life, affirming self, black woman, Black Women, faith, finding self, focus, god, inspiration, Love, meditation, nik nicholson, patience, religion, self reflection, self-love, spirit, writing

Note to Self: Conjure.

Love is freedom.

I remember you, wild

Freeing

‘fore you knew

You were the meaning

Of freedom.

Your being

What love looks like

Personified.

Before you realized

Before you needed to self-actualize

Before you went searching, outside

Binding yourself

Within yourself

Beyond your grasp.

Hurting, yourself

Afraid, you were not worthy.

I remember you holy

Whole

I remember you sanctified

A sanctuary for souls.

I remember you,

Your own salvation.

Prayers or spells

Before judgment

You saw no difference in them.

Conjuring.

Within yourself.

Power filled.

Humble.

As your thoughts and dreams became tangible

You believed them miracles

Taught trees grew

Without earth or roots.

You worshiped

An idol

A book named Bible

Til’ fruitless.

Longing to be planted.

Longing is,

A spell

Against yourself.

You surrendered your will.

Bid yourself to submit

To dead languages

And foreign male strangers.

Conjuring.

Shape shifter.

You became a misogynist

You called it a holy ghost dance

What you did

Before the whole congregation.

Grateful

To be baptized

And subjugated.

Conjuring.

Beckoning

Please,

Off your knees.

You’d have no needs

If you’d stop

Giving yourself away.

Pray

For the stars

And the moon

And the Sun

Which you are.

Conjure!

Know

Trees Are grounded!

Trees have roots

And so do you.

Take off your shoes.

Bury your heels

In the plush grass.

Your roots are vines

Of light

Reflecting the colors of your past

Unveiling your path.

Dyed and muddied by your life

Feel the connection

Anchoring your instep

Feel your chakras align

Heal.

You, you are divine.

Conjure.

In spells and prayers.

Speak inwards

So loud

Your spirit is bound

To carry the sounds

Elevating.

You up and out

Of all the creations and manifestations

Conjured.

Speak

What spirit shows you.

Speak, like you know you.

Speak your dreams.

Speak lightening and fire

Speak your heart’s desire.

Speak.

You are the bar you are raising

You are your greatest expectation

You are a light

Beaming in the night

Leading yourself to herself

Home.

A spirit

Reckoning

With the flesh.

A mind

An ego

Reasoning against itself

A child who learned false facts

Reared to be self-destructive.

Speak now

As a grown woman

No longer questioning

Loving herself.

Speak

Accepting yourself without exceptions

Or conditions.

Speak as one coming to fruition.

Embrace your intuition

Harness your strength

Speak with the power of your ancestors

Wield your influence

In every realm.

Speak your peace.

Speak.

You are free,

To conjure.

Filed under: Free-write, Poem, Poetry, Self Reflection, Spiritual/ Religious, Uncategorized Tagged: a writing life, black woman, Even Deities Evolve, free-write, meditation, poem, poet, poetry, religion, spirit, writer, writers, writing, writing journey

Anxious

This is a map of some places that existed during the Harlem Renaissance.

There are so many things to do.  Feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day.  Feels like I’m always going. I tell myself let’s get organized.  Then I end up working on something in the middle of organizing.

I’m not afraid any more. I’m not anchored. I feel like I can do anything, go anywhere and be whatever I set my heart on.  It’s definitely a different feeling to see the world as an abundance of opportunities.

It’s also a spiritual struggle now, not to allow anyone to taint this view, because honestly, the world is however you say it is for the most part.  We cannot change people but we can certainly adjust ourselves to who we learn people are.  We can also apply ourselves and get focused.

I am really focused.  I have to sort and decide what needs to be done immediately. I accomplished a lot today. I’ve done a lot of editing of another writer, some reading (I finished Teryn’s poetry book), I put my map of Harlem up.  I did some research. I went to the post office. I went to FedX to get the map laminated until they told me their machine might eat the map and they wouldn’t replace it.  I went all the way to Harlem to get this map.  So, I decided to pass on them possibly ruining it.  I got some more grocery shopping in. I unpacked some.  I cleaned up.  I organized my work space.  I went to the library.

I edited my own work. Now I’m trying to figure out how I can work without a Word program on either of my laptops.

I know that things are going to get better and be amazing because I’m having so many challenges.  I won’t get into them all, but I will say that every time I look up something I need breaks.  I write to music. I’ve gone through two MP3 players and an Ipod in two months.  Neither of my laptops will allow me to access Word.  Neither of my laptops will allow me to download another writing program.  I’ve been making a lot of connections and doing a lot of business through my phone… It cuts off when it feels like it, and is slow as all get out.

Still, life keeps getting better. I don’t know.  I hope I can stay in this place of light.  Where I can focus on all the head way I’m making and not all the issues.

Sidenote, something is going on with the cursor, which I’m aware of, but it’s still annoying… Right now as I’m typing, it just goes in the middle of some random line and starts putting the keystrokes.  So I lose my place.  And have to figure out what isn’t suppose to be there… Oh, cause the letters are delayed showing up. I don’t think I type faster than my laptops… Well, not this one.  And the power in my office is doing this weird thing where it flashes like it’s going out.  I’ll be glad when I have tons of money and I can have everything state of the art, with some help to do mundane tasks so I can focus on creating.

I am writing my dreams. I am acting on my dreams.  I am speaking my dreams into reality.  Documenting my evolution…

I am also becoming really radical in my thoughts and actions.  I kind of get a rush from saying what needs to be said or doing what needs to be done. It’s a crazy space to be in.

So much love. So much freedom. So many opportunities.

Filed under: publishing, random, Research, Self Reflection, Spiritual/ Religious Tagged: a writing life, focus, inspiration, manuscript, meditation, poetry, publishing, Research, writer, writing, writing journey

Research in Harlem 8/16

I chose to travel to Harlem and begin my research the day of my birthday, because I wanted to enter my new year doing what I love.  I planned to document the research through blogs.  However, after I arrived in Harlem I was so busy with researching I didn’t have time to blog. I actually wrote one blog, I am holding as a draft.  I don’t know if I will ever finish it.

When I realized I didn’t have time to write full blogs, I thought, well, I will post images and say a few words about them.  This was impossible because I used a real camera and not my phone.  Above all this, I wanted to be present. I wanted to experience rather than talk about experience.  I didn’t want to discuss the future or the past, I just wanted to be in the moment.  I think documenting the moment undermines the moment.  There were so many sunsets, buildings, people, dances, foods and dreams come true I wanted to share and at the same time I was too selfish.  I just allowed myself to be, there.

As I’m wrapping up my trip, not necessarily the research I wanted to check in.  I’ve scheduled this day as a writing day.

I also realized Harlem changed me as an artist and I wanted to share that.  Most importantly, I have a lot to say that won’t ever be in a novel or poetry collection. This is mostly about the

I’ve been a poet and painter for years.  I feel passionate about art. No matter what happens in my life I am going to write.  No matter what happens I am going to paint.  I don’t care if I ever get paid for it.  I hope I do, though.  If I could make money doing what I love, it would free me from doing things to survive and allow me more time to be creative.

I love poetry.  I love reading other poets.  I love the sharing of words in readings and performances. I also love the communion after a poetry event.  So much of the poetry experience is about the community that embraces the art.

I will probably be referring to the experience of meeting and speaking to Sonia Sanchez for the rest of my life.  In seeing her speak, she said that she believed poets were born. I sincerely believe this.  She also said, that poets belong to the people.  Which is why, I also think it’s important if you are a poet to tell anyone you may date you need to be open… Which means discussing them and how you evolve as a result of being in a relationship with them, publicly.  Poets are the voice of the people.  We articulate our struggles, triumphs, joys and wisdom.

Harlem changed me.  First, the idea that someone believed in my work enough to fund my research made me feel like a serious writer.  When I was applying for the grant I had to document my work and what my future projects were.  Until someone asks me who I was, I hadn’t thought about it.  I realized that I am a really hard work and I make a lot of progress. I have a lot of projects going on.  Because I don’t discuss all the projects I work on anonymously, under an alias and because I’m compelled to give energy, I don’t always take myself seriously.  To see all the things I accomplished in the past few years in writing was sobering.  It wasn’t until I was writing the grant did I start to believe I deserved it.

Once I received the grant, I learned what a planner I am.  I am very calculating, patient and driven.  Writing, requires all of those personality traits.  The planning of the trip allowed me to feel powers I take for granted. I am always in the motion of doing, not necessarily thinking about it.

Making time for research was so life altering, it was like finding a new religion.  I took off work for almost three weeks, when I’d been struggling to make time to write in my daily life.  The idea, that writing allowed me to be free to express myself was the equivalent of having a conversation with God.  Especially because I often say to myself and other writers, writing won’t make time for itself.  Not true anymore, my writing made this grant possible.  I use to say, writing, won’t demand you do it the way a spouse asks for your attention, the way a job needs you there at a certain time, the way rituals required like eating, sleeping and laundry do.  In Harlem, writing was like “get up we’ve only got so many days to be together.  We have to see this place.” Writing didn’t allow me the time to do blogs. Writing asked for an entire two weeks with me.

Harlem also reminded me I could accomplish anything.  Harlem made me feel creative, passionate, open, adventurous, aggressive, focused and determined.  I always feel like I know who I am, at the same time sometimes I feel like a shadow of myself.  Sometimes when I’m writing, I’m not sure anyone cares what I say.  Sometimes when I’m working on a project I’m not sure I’m the right person to bring it to completion.  Sometimes when I am trying to make time for writing, I feel guilty.

Harlem reminded me I’m hungry.  Everyone I ran into, every time I actually sat down to eat people on either side of me were discussing business ventures.  I started to feel like the only time people ate in restaurants was to discuss making money.  Sometimes, for me, I feel like wanting to get paid for what I’m compelled to do is wrong.  Being around other people using their gifts to live reminded me that knowing my purpose was a blessing.  More importantly, living in our purpose should free us and not be a burden or hobby.  I started to imagine a world where we all lived in our purpose.

I’M ALREADY A WRITER! Harlem made me scream this in my spirit.  If I want to write for a living I’m going to have to move in that direction with purpose.  I started to look for opportunities to grow income. I also started to think about support, friends, family and other artists.  I am now considering how I can help other artists so we can barter. It is important to pay artists. At the same time, when you aren’t established in a community.  Meaning you don’t know the best mechanic or when something breaks in your house, you pay through the nose.  When you don’t have relationships that support you, like people helping your move, paint or figure things out for daily life, you have to pay someone.  Which leaves your art shorted when you need to pay for editors, book cover designers, framers for paintings and so on…  You have to haggle over their price, even though they deserve the full price, you just don’t have the resources to pay them… Which really means you don’t have the money to invest in yourself.

I AM AN ARTIST. This does not mean I will work for free. I have bills just like you. THANK YOU, for understanding.

This makes other artist hostile at times.  It makes them feel like you don’t appreciate their work.  I want to apologize, here, to all the artist who I’ve asked for discounts or a hook ups.  It’s not that I didn’t want to support you. It’s not that I don’t know you need to survive.  I think too much explaining undermines and apology. I just want to apologize for making you feel like I didn’t value your vision, being, purpose and hard work.

With that being said, I am going to start off finding artist open to bartering, who I can help.   I’m willing to answer phones, drive artist places, pick them up from the airport, help them set up events and share work space.  Because we all need each other.  I’d also love to do creative cyphers.  Mainly because a lot of our work is solitary, it’s always invigorating for me to work in the same space as someone else.  Or, in some cases do collaborations.  Some of the best work I’ve seen is when a lot of people are involved.  Also, I am going to be doing some editing and hopefully someone will edit me.  I’m also going to explore how we all can make money collectively.

This blog, is all over the place. I have a lot of thoughts. I’m going to stop here.

Love and Light

Filed under: Daughter of Zion, Poetry, publishing, random, Research, Spiritual/ Religious, Uncategorized Tagged: a writing life, art, artist, black woman, focus, growing as an artist, inspiration, meditation, patience, plotting, poetry, regional arts commission, Research, writers, writing, writing journey

I want to thank my creator for allowing me to know even w...

I want to thank my creator for allowing me to know even when unknowing. I am grateful to finally be following the knowing.  Even though I am struggling and arguing with my higher self or the higher spirit, I still follow.

 

The other day on the street, something said buy an  umbrella.  The umbrella was only $2.00.  Something said, you forgot your own umbrella. Then I noted, I couldn’t have gotten that big thing in my suitcase anyway.  Finally, I reminded myself of Erykah Badu’s “Bag Lady” and told myself I need to stop accumulating things.

 

Yesterday, I was marveling at how beautiful the weather is in New York, more specifically in Harlem. It’s warm without being humid.  There is always a cool breeze. I was thinking how amazing their summer is.  I was reminding myself that it’s an island and the water may be the reason it’s so nice.  At the same, I was chastising myself for buying that umbrella.

Last night, I put out jeans and socks for my tennis shoes. I’ve been wearing flats or sandals since I arrived.  I only wear sneakers on the plane.  Cause it gets cold and I’m dragging and lifting.

 

Today I woke up to racket and wondered if it was finally confirmed that this old building is haunted.  Nope, that’s still a question.  But it was raining and it was raining hard.  I don’t know how I knew it, but I’m grateful for all the ways I was prepared for today.

I am learning to trust my knowing… Yes, I am still questioning it.  Questioning is a good place and an evolution. I use to dismiss it without a discussion.  Now, I’m actually listening and considering it.  I am grateful for this new place of being.

 

Filed under: Daughter of Zion, Research, Self Reflection, Spiritual/ Religious

A restrospective 7/19/2015

I was looking for something else when I came across this video.  It’s painful to watch.  Mainly because I am struggling to embrace who I am.  Mainly because, I am surrounded by people who do not support my being.  They are people who I believe, think they love me sincerely.  What does love look like?  How does one perform the act of love?  I think it’s challenging when all the people around you are dealing with hurt and in various stages of healing or denial.

I don’t think walking away from people is the solution.  However the work required to stand with folks who are suffering, while you are suffering is at times overwhelming.

This video made me sad and impressed.  Sad, because as soon as I started watching it all I could do was criticize myself… All I could hear were negative things I’ve heard about it.  I have to be forgiving of those comments because I myself made them… I have to allow those comments, because we all need others to help us get a clear picture of how we are perceived… received.  It made me reconsider all of my relationships.  I haven’t watched it since I initially made it. I still didn’t watch it all the way through today.

I was impressed.  One that I’d made a video, because I’d forgotten it existed.  I was impressed that I documented my attempt to work through some of the stuff I’ve been handed regarding my weight, natural hair, skin color, voice and goals.  I still don’t know how anyone learns to love their self, outside of simply loving themselves.  So here I am, present in my body.  Deciding to make myself at home in my being.

 

 

Filed under: random, Self Reflection, Spiritual/ Religious Tagged: affirmation, finding balance, finding my voice, self reflection