Bart King's Blog, page 43

Hey, who put these @#$! tweets here?

SETTING: Two men sit alone at a bar.

MAN 1: Free-for-all. Mêlée. Donnybrook.

MAN 2 (slowly putting up fists): Those are fighting words!— Bart King (@BartKing) October 9, 2016

I accidentally used anti-deodorant this morning, and boy, do I stink.— Bart King (@BartKing) October 7, 2016

"So your full name's 'Bartholomew,' huh? But I suppose your friends call you 'Bart'."

"I wouldn't know."

". . ."— Bart King (@BartKing) October 7, 2016

In hindsight, I should have bought more toilet paper.— Bart King (@BartKing) October 5, 2016

Hey, 'gift' is the Norwegian word for both marriage AND poison. That's seriously messed up, right, honey?

Honey?— Bart King (@BartKing) October 1, 2016

This book always gets glowing reviews!

I can count on one hand the times I've re-read it. 
(It's seven.)Thanks for the heading, Alexis!The radiation recipe book

It's been a little breezy in Florida...

Why, what's the ice cream going to do? Yelp? Squeal? Caterwaul?

SCREAM?(Via.)

"You may now kiss the bride."

"NOOOO BILLY I STILL LOVE YOU!"

Hey, I always wondered what football players talk about on the field!

A video posted by NFL Films (@nflfilms) on Oct 4, 2016 at 8:13am PDT

You may need to re-read this post.

I’ve slowly been working on BartKing.net, and one of its improvements is the “Contact Me” section. Recently, I got these two charming messages . . . but they make me worry if there is a re-reading “arms race” going on!

Message 1:I just finished your Big Book of Superheroes for the third time. And, for the third time, I liked it a lot. I am just writing to ask a question and praise you on your writing. First of all, I was just wondering how long it took you to write this book. It looks like you had to do a lot of investigation for it. Second of all, I love your writing! I like the humor you put into your stories. It brightens life.
Hope to hear back from you soon! Message 2:Just wanted to let you know that the Big Book of Spy Stuff is the best book I have ever read, and I read a ton of books. I have read it 15 times (still counting) it is even starting to fall apart. I found it very informational, and funny.
Excellent writing,from [name redacted]Age 12

Wait, how do you shake hands again?

I like how by the last attempt, the guy's like, "Just forget it." :)

Hey, pick up after your dog!

On second thought, leave it. That's sort of cute! (Via.)

Here’s a Mystery!

For some reason, I never pack enough clothes when visiting my parents. (No, that’s not the mystery.) So on our last trip, I asked if Dad had an extra T-shirt I could borrow. And lo and behold, this chestnut from the 1970s was unearthed.
This was a “gift” to Dad from his nine kids. As you can see, we opted for one of those newfangled personalized designs that have stood the test of time so well. And naturally, we listed OURSELVES on the front. (There was only room for our initials, but still.)
Now, the mystery: In the name of all that’s holy, WHY did we think a high school football coach with a handlebar mustache would wear this pinkish monstrosity? (Though if I remember correctly, the actual color was listed as “necrotic salmon.”)

Anyway, he did. And he even saved it all these years later. Thanks for being a good sport, Dad!
Not-Very-Fun-Fact: Now that I look at it, my complexion could also be described as “necrotic salmon.”