Kate Larking's Blog: Anxiety Ink, page 38

Writer’s Block as Internalized Rejection

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Okay, this post is about something that has taken me a very very long time to figure out.

Most of my writer’s block comes from rejection.

Now, this isn’t the type of term where I have submitted my work, been rejected, and I react internally to that rejection on some level, usually applying it as some sort of inadequacy on my part. That, my friends, is internal rejection. That makes perfect sense, really. That’s just a internal reaction to an external interaction.

I’m talking internalized rejection, the internalization of rejection. Wikipedia helps us out with the term internalization:

Internalization means an individual’s acceptance of a set of norms and values (established by others) through socialization. John Finley Scott described internalization as a metaphor in which something (i.e. an idea, concept, action) moves from outside the mind or personality to a place inside of it.”

Now, I am familiar with this term because of a concept familiar to a lot of queer people called internalized homophobia. Basically, you internalize that the world fears or hates gay people because of how that information has been presented in society–including fiction (this is a whole other topic)–and then apply that ostracization and othering to yourself. This is why, even if you have a supportive family, it can be very difficult to:

Realize you are, in fact, not heterosexual, and
Come out because you expect the consequence to be the negativity you internalized.

So I finally realized that this concept applies to myself as a writer. Basically, I have been socialized to reject my own creative ideas as being “not good enough” or being “undeveloped and unworthy” or being “childish and infantile”. Basically, I expect that my stories ideas will not be met with curiosity of fascination, but with ridicule. My internalization of rejection has made me ashamed.

How has this rejection been socialized into me? Well, let’s face it, childhood is not pleasant with sparkles and glitter for everyone. I won’t go into the nitty-gritty. I will point out that I have had some people in my life who were incredibly supportive of my writing. However, those few positive people who respected my work and received it with positivity and enthusiasm, were not enough to overcome the rest of the shit that had been socialized into me.

Also, school systems do little to value creativity. I was a fantastic student in regards to following the rules, hitting all the required points of assignments, meeting all the criteria necessary to be seen as a success. However, the fiction taught to me in school (K-12) was written by cis het white dudes. The examples of successful, interesting, “worth reading” fiction taught to me in school was what I was not.

Where was I going to fit? Only in the small space of masculine-minded stories, apparently. Newsflash: I’m a lesbian woman. This misogynistic, racist, heteronormative view of valued creative voices did me a whole hell of a lot of harm.

AND I’M ONLY JUST FIGURING THIS OUT.

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So, now, let’s follow this up with the last part of the definition of internalization, per Wikipedia because, let’s face it, I’m not on an academic platform and there is no professor telling me I’ll be dinged a mark for sourcing Wikipedia:

The structure and the happenings of society shapes one’s inner self and it can also be reversed.

Should I point out what I bolded again? It can be reversed. My internalized rejection of my ideas–my frivolous, gay, spectacular, non-patriarchy-abiding ideas–can be reversed.

My creative voice can be valued, not only by others, but by myself.

Excuse me while I go write. Finally.

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Words Have Power: Stop Saying “Should”

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If you’re here and reading this, I believe it’s safe to assume that you would agree that words have power.

I can’t be the only one to whom “should” feels like an admission of failure. I should be writing (but I’m not). I should be cleaning my house, or working, or running errands (but I’m not). With the insinuation that whatever I’m doing instead is of less worth.

I tend to write stream-of-conscious blather, especially when I just have to put pen to paper but my brain isn’t functioning on a story level. Most of these start out, “I should be . . . ”

It has taken an incredibly long time to figure out that every “should” made me feel worse – less productive and more failure. And every time I skim back over that blather, usually looking for some story notes that may have snuck in along the way, those “should”s have the exact same affect.

The solution: stop writing it. Stop saying it.

Sometimes I need to write out a to-do list because they help me get a handle on things. I realized that most of the time I wrote “should” was to couch or frame those to-dos. Now I just make the damn list.

And you know what? I feel so much better. Less depressed, more energetic.

It’s about solutions, rather than just poking at the problem. I may not have the energy or ability to do a thing at that moment, but putting it on a to-do list gives me a plan of attack. Saying, “I should go to the post office,” isn’t a plan. It’s not holding me to anything; there’s no accountability. Chances are, I’ll end up procrastinating even more. Which means stressing even more. (I know; it makes no logical sense, but that’s how I work.)

Words have power. They shape our perceptions of reality. This is why it’s so important to be aware of sexism and racism and ableism in word choice. One tiny little word has had such a significant impact on me – my attitudes and energy and mental health. How much more damage are other words doing?

And how much good could the right ones do?

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Advice

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Arguably, one of the best pieces of life advice I ever received was given to my class at large by our grade 10 English teacher. I don’t know if it struck anyone else as deeply as it did me, I can only say I hope so.

During one particular day the topic of compromise came up. Now, I’m not anti-compromise, but neither do I think that you should settle when it comes to the really important things. Compromise has a time and a place.

Basically, what Mrs. G said, as she was telling us a personal story, is this (poorly recalled nearly 10 years later, mind you):

“30 years from now, when your parents are gone –because all parents unfortunately pass on– and you’re a doctor because that’s what they wanted for you, are you going to be happy? Are you going to be happy having done what they wanted, to make them happy, when all is said and done and it’s just you years from now?”

Nope, happiness is not the most important thing. But satisfaction, a sense of purpose, and passion are all important things. Those things, and maybe a bit of happiness, are what I really read into when I recall this memory.

And I live by this. I really do. I’ve always been stubborn and done things my way, and this idea cemented my need to embrace those personality traits. It likely comes across as extremely selfish, maybe it truly is, but I don’t care. Making others happy by making myself unhappy is not something I’m willing to do. Sure, circumstances dictate, but big picture-wise I have to root for myself.

This piece of advice reinforced my decision to get an English degree, it has even given me the courage to write, to strive to turn writing into my career, despite all of the people who told me none of these were a very good idea.

Years from now I can look back and say I did everything I did, how I did it, the way I wanted to, for me and not for anyone else. That makes me happy.

What is the best piece of advice you’ve received?

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Writing Goals for 2016 – First Check-In

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Phew! It’s already been quite the quarter for me. I won’t do much in the way of preamble so here’s the update:

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Writing + Publishing Goals:

Comic – The goal was to write a chapter per month but that fell behind due to edits and revisions. Chapter three is on its way and I hope to up production soon, minus my hellish day-job work time in May-June.

The comic goals at this point are to have new chapters published as ebooks on the below schedule:

Chapter 1 – March 1, 2016 – Crash and Burn Chapter 1 Published March 8th!
Chapter 2 – June 1, 2016 – This may shift to August 1 to align with the first print volume.
Chapter 3 – November 1, 2016


Tame the POD monster – Still planned!
Keep Anxiety Ink going – I have fallen into the crunch time posts again, instead of the ahead-of-time planned content. I will need to up my game before work gets busy.

Administrative Goals:

Set up the Crash and Burn Patreon – Done! It is here if you would like to support the comic!
Website Redesign – Still on the goals. I’m hoping to have this one done before WWC
Tidy up Twitter and tumblr – Upping my game a bit on Twitter. Still suck at tumblr.

Learning Goals:

Continue learning Japanese – Japanese 2 classes weren’t run this winter. So I will either try for Spring (if it runs) or enroll in a different academy in fall. In other news, I did all my inventory count at the bookstore in Japanese. My brain hurt for days.
Study comic book writing – Got the books but not the time XD! Learning by fire, still.
Read more – Reading ARCs as I can. Currently in love with The Geek Feminist Revolution by Kameron Hurley. I will be buying this book as soon as it comes out, and gifting it this year, for sure.

Things left out:

NaNoWriMo – I am getting the itch for NaNo for Camp NaNo. I like the customized goals and the sense of community…but not the progress bars, graphs, and notable end-point to the writing spurt. So I am setting up some writing dates for my own free-form commitments.
Timelines for my own writing projects – Previously posted: I’m really conflicted about not mentioning my own projects on this post. I have my spacepunk book, I have a poetry collection started, I have my cyberpunk book that is roaring back from the dead, I have my first fantasy book begging to be written because it’s complicated enough now to not be Mary-Sue-y and even if it was who cares! Write me because you love me! *ahem* My life charges rapidly and I have one fully structured project on the go at the moment. So if I can make a fiction project published and happening, I will. But it depends on all the other stuff that is above this bullet point.

I am trying to step this up. Trying to get moving and keep moving.


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First Check-In: 2016 Goals

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It’s that time again! Let’s see how I did . . .

Sewing lessons were put on hold while my grandmother was with my sister. Now she’s back (yay!), but I start rehearsals Monday. This one will have to wait a bit.

Social goals: So far so good. Had a few wonderful dates with friends, though I haven’t kept precise track of when. They were fantastic and gave me so much creative energy and focus. Here’s hoping they continue! After this next show closes, of course.

I’ve actually posted over on my personal blog – more than once in the last couple months – so that’s an improvement, but there’s room for more. A lot more.

Theatre: I’ve been cast in a show! The first comedy since I returned to acting (full show – not counting that staged reading). We’re doing two Fawlty Towers episodes, with some Monty Python thrown in. It’s a chance to work with some amazing and talented performers; I’m looking forward to learning from them. I also signed up for a couple theatre workshops, but had to cancel.

In travel goals, we have our tickets. Visiting my grandmother-in-law in Florida is a go!

My reading goal . . . will be revisited.

I put the rough draft on hold due to the glacial speed of progress and am now editing. Which is also proceeding at a glacial pace. But today, I sat in a coffee shop and wrote for an hour. On a play, rather than either novel. It was nice, and I’d like to make it something of an occasional habit. Writing elsewhere tends to help significantly.

The writing workshop I wanted to run was canceled for reasons outside of my control. So I took one instead: a Writer’s Digest webinar on synopsis writing. Because that terrifies me.

Not a bad start to the year, but we’ll see how the next few months go.

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2016 Goals: First Check-In

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Look at that, another third of a year is behind us! Spring is in the air, although for those of us in the Calgary area it’s been here for weeks, and it’s already time to check in with those January goals.

Like I said when I outlined my plans for the year, I have an issue with quantitative goals. In the short term I think they’re wonderful. In the long term, I just can’t make them. That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned –yet again– in the past three months.

The first item on my list has been haunting me a wee bit. I’ve had a terrible go writing-wise since the start of February. I’d like to blame my full social calendar, not to mention all the life-necessary things that also filled my calendar, high personal stress, more hours at work, plus some new allergy medication that knocked me on my butt through most of the month, but I’m not going to.

What it really came down to, with this particular goal, was me not hitting my goal of 3 000 words a week often enough that I felt successful. I’d have a bad week, feel bad, then have to climb out of that mental well for the next week. I just wasn’t up to that in February. So I didn’t even crack my WIP, which, piled on my lack of target success, made me feel worse.

I debated throughout the month whether I should rephrase the goal into something more qualitative, but I can’t find the words. So I’m making a minor edit and hoping that in the next three months I can get my act together.

Write close to a minimum of 3 000 words per week, half that for blog weeks –that’s a less stressful target, right?
Shop “Brew Disaster” around –I’ve been so neglectful of all the writing things.
Shop my literary stories around –see the comment above.
Read a minimum of 68 books over the year –the year is young.
Introduce something new to Anxiety Ink –oh the plans I have, that I need to work on….
Write a new short story –I have lots of new novel ideas?
Learn how to meditate –I should get on this sooner rather than later.
Keep up the exercise to boost energy –now this is a goal I’m taking serious!!
Run 5 km without stopping –since January I’ve upped my distance by 0.29 miles or .47 km to a total of 2.01 mi/3.2km. I know that’s small number-wise but really big for me.
Cook more often –does making myself smoothies count? I didn’t think so.
Try something new –working up to this.
Be POSITIVE –I need to up my game with this one.
Participate in NaNoWriM0 2016 and exceed 2015’s word count.
Finish writing RA2 –I am SO close!
Turn RA1 into a readable manuscript –RA2 needs to be done first.
Read a Shakespearean play –I should do this during Easter.
Be greener –working on!
Set goals for myself at the day job and hit them –I’ve set the goals and have seen vast improvement. Last week I was 100% off, but Monday is a new day.
Edit and complete my crow story –my poor writing.
Draw more –I actually have things I need to draw for RA2, so two birds and one stone.

After writing my little update comments I actually feel a lot better about my goals. Yay! I’ve been obsessing so much on the first one and being negative that I didn’t realize I was actually making steady progress on the others. Sort of.

How is everyone else faring?

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Balancing Life and Writing – Self Check-in

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My life has been more than a little bit hectic lately. I have been pushing myself mentally and physically to do my job at work. Last week, in 36 hours, I worked 24. I did 4 events in that time. Between Day 1 and Day 2, my brain reeled from one event to the possibilities of the next day’s success, or failure.

While the overtime gives some nice benefits, and some of the events I do can be nice to take in, I was running myself into the ground. I wasn’t sleeping well–my brain refused to turn off–and my body ached to the point I could only marginally move without pain. Worst of all, there was no room in my brain for writing, no physical stamina to even do some writing.

Photo source

So I took a step back.

I took a day off to center myself. I looked ahead at my schedule and looked to see what specifically I could cut in order to make room for my mental recovery and to not mess up my body to the point I needed to book emergency massages and lay still while pain medication took effect. So I’ve relaxed on some optional work commitments and let people know that I’m unavailable for some meetings this month.

Mostly, I looked ahead to see where I could make room for what I wanted to be doing: writing. Full time work with overtime is not a pleasant challenge to face when you want to be writing. But it means taking a step back from time to time in order to assess and judge whether or not you are really doing the best thing for yourself and your goals.

I set some goals at the beginning of the year, making sure to take my life and possible changes into account. And I won’t achieve those if I don’t make sure to set aside the time–and make sure that I am functional during those times. That’s what balancing life and writing is about.

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Book Recommendation: China Mountain Zhang

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the writing process as I’m going through this edit – how all the pieces fall together to create a cohesive whole greater than the sum of its parts. In that vein, I have a book recommendation for you: China Mountain Zhang by Maureen F. McHugh.

The book is sci-fi, the story beautiful and worth the read for that alone, but this particular book recommendation is for the glimpse into the writing process.

In the world McHugh created, there is a thing called organic architecture. I read the description of how it works how all the pieces happen to come together to create perfect, ingenious systems and relationships – so many details the architect can’t possibly hold in his conscious mind all at once. Then I had to go back and read it again. And again.

A writer-friend asked me once how I planned out stories and made these disparate parts intertwine and feed together. I pointed her at this book. Because I can’t explain how it works.

Details will appear in rough drafts for no particular reason, only to find out it was necessary foreshadowing or a building block to a major part of the story later on. (Remember: I’m not a planner.) As I’ve grown as a writer, I’ve come to recognize those helpful sorts of details earlier.

Editing, there are things I have to change to cover plot holes and fix lazy writing. I consider and play with my options. The possibilities that just don’t feel right are dismissed fairly quickly. The ones that do feel right, when they click into place, has a cascade effect on the rest of the book. Suddenly, older story decisions make more sense and newer story decisions have a better, more solid foundation.

For me, writing is an organic process, but I didn’t really understand that until I read this book over a decade ago.

The organic architecture is a detail in the book. Rereading it, I’m always surprised at how little time is devoted to it because of the huge impression it made on me, but reading it the first time felt a bit like coming home.

It’s an excellent book, so go read it. Thank me later.

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An Evening with Zadie Smith

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In early October, I received an email informing me that this February’s guest author for The Calgary Distinguished Writer’s Program, presented annually, was none other than Zadie Smith. Zadie Smith is a name I’ve heard bandied around the writing world for years. Though I intended to read her book, White Teeth, I hadn’t yet gotten to it. Though I’d heard about her immeasurable ability with the written word, I hadn’t learned that much about her.

But I was intrigued, so I reserved a pair of tickets.

On February 6th I finished White Teeth. For me, it’s one of those books whose passages will forever be burned into my psyche. When I think back on it my gut will clench as I remember my reaction to its pieces and its whole. It’s a brilliant book, and that’s an understatement. If you’re curious I wrote about my fascination here.

On February 12th I finally saw Zadie Smith speak. For me, it’s one of those nights that I wish I recorded because I could listen to it on repeat and never get enough. After trailing into the U of C’s Mac Hall, I did a double take because I thought the event would be packed. I shrugged and my friend and I found seats we liked near the back. I grabbed the program before I sat on it, setting it aside. When the lights went low and the Arts Department’s dean started his introduction to the mayor by declaring the lands we were meeting on, I decided to crack the program to see what I was in for.

At the very bottom of Smith’s biography a lone sentence stood as the capstone to the rest: In addition to her writing, Smith taught at Harvard and Columbia universities before joining New York University as a tenured professor of fiction in 2010. I should mention that she was educated at Cambridge. And that she’s currently 40 years of age.

I won’t lie, I had an image of her –personality included– in my mind as I listened to Nenshi introduce the next member of faculty who would finally introduce Zadie Smith. I’ve been around the literary and academic scenes long enough to know there are a lot of stuffed vests. Smith was such a pleasant surprise. She’s one of those people who just has to open their mouths and you know they’re intelligent. Yet she’s also one of those people who are very secure in their intellect. She’s not condescending or pedantic, she’s completely down to earth.

I’m taking a breath because uber fan-girl-dom is about to spew.

Smith covered so many topics that I find I’m having difficulty arranging my thoughts even though I took notes throughout. I’m going to condense the ideas I want to cover under three headers for all our ease.

Why Write?

Smith read a lecture she called “Why Write?”, a phrase she took from Orwell from which she removed the subject and added a question mark.

By introducing her topic, she delved into the semantics of her own question. Why Write? she believes it both too broad and nominally self-regarding. Quoting Raymond Williams, she brought up the etymology of the word “create”, which at one point meant counterfeit/imitation, a legacy that haunted artists across ages. But is art ever original? Doesn’t it primarily reflect the status quo?

But back to the question: Why Write? Attraction to the fantasy lifestyle? To please? To fill a pre-existing demand? These are the answers for many but they are not ideal answers. Smith believes, and I have to say I agree wholeheartedly, that a good piece of art refuses to see the world as it has already been seen. It should risk displeasure; it should refuse.

Returning to Orwell, there are four reasons one should wish to write aside from earning a living:

Sheer Egoism (the desire to leave a legacy),
Aesthetic Enthusiasm (love of the written word),
Historical Impulse (the desire to see things as they are), and,
Political Purpose (all writing is political and wishes to push an audience in a certain direction).

Smith focused largely on the third point, Historical Impulse, stating that a writer should be able to read between the lines, but also needs to read the lines. Skepticism must be balanced with a grip on reality so that one can counter the false reality that pushes on us from all around.

There is always a reason why one writes, whether it’s a self-focused answer or a widely based one. Regardless of what gets you writing words on the page, use those words to counter contentment with the common order.

Creatively Refuse

Smith moved onto the idea that writing is itself a radical practice defined by seeing things as they really are, not singularly, because it is an art form that deals in specifics and details, it doesn’t have time for generalizations.

By pushing against the status quo, an artist is rejecting generalizations. I think we can all agree that that is a positive? It may seem overly political on the surface but every creative choice is a political statement regardless of one’s genre. Smith brought up Le Guin, who uses fantastic characters and worlds to discuss very real topics like gender. She quotes Nabokov who in his writing had to “create America” by countering the reality of the admen of the 50s era.

By writing, by creating, you are throwing your voice into the noise. Refuse to make the same noise as everyone else.

Writer versus Reader

Near the end of her lecture Smith brought something up that really hit home for me, she wondered how many people attended this talk as writers because they don’t identify as readers. After all, reading is just as political a practice as writing. Prior to reading White Teeth, I was attending as a writer. Afterwards, a reader absolutely. And I can’t help but find the previous notion ludicrous!

How many readings have I attended as a writer thinking I will get something out of them? Too many. Anyone who has been writing for a long time knows that there is no secret to it, no magic formula to get you from point A of being a newbie to point B of being a NYT bestselling master. To be a writer, to be successful, you simply need to write. That’s it. Attending as a reader is far more rewarding, and as I’ve said before, I am a reader even before I am a writer.

We live in an era where every writer is expected to have a platform well developed prior to publication –heck, prior to writing! Honestly, why? We have developed into a legion of people obsessed with the writer, not the written word. Smith said she learns more about a person reading what they’ve put on the page than by any other means. I have to go one step further and wonder why we aren’t more interested in the product than the producer. But like Smith, I’ve spent most of my years reading writers long dead.

Smith tied her concerns about the cult of the writer to the commodification of creativity. While I agree wholly with her, I don’t share the widespread literary view that one can sell their work and become impure to it. I believe Smith is on the same page because she said more than once that success isn’t bad, it’s how one gets there that matters. The commodification of the product isn’t the problem, it’s the commodification of the process.

This is where we come back to that Why Write? response about answering a pre-existing demand. Are readers looking to hear the same thing they’ve heard before or do they desire a new answer?

It’s gotten a bit academic here, so this is my summary translation: write what you want to write because you have something to say, not because you think you’re saying what others want to hear.

I’ll wrap it up with this refreshing (and probably comment-inducing) idea Smith imparted: writer is not an identity, writing is a practice. Writing is something you do, not something you are.

All the people who could have filled those empty seats missed out on something special.

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New Release – Crash and Burn Chapter 1

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In lieu of a post this week, I only have fantastic news.

Crash and Burn Chapter 1 is now available in ebook form. This book was a lot more challenging than the Prologue because there were edits, formatting hurdles, converting to new formats, and assorted struggles.

But it is up! Check it out on these retailers.

Gumroad

Kobo

Amazon.com

Amazon.ca

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