Kate Larking's Blog: Anxiety Ink, page 36

Permission to Burn Out

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There is something wonderfully freeing in granting myself permission to be burned out.

In the last week, I did more editing than in possible a whole month, and I saw the wrap of a play with a ridiculously long run and a hellacious commute. Shows always leave me burned out and exhausted.

But this past Saturday was also my dad’s birthday – would have been his 73rd. In six years, I’ve had lots of wonderfully kind, intelligent people advise me to stay busy this month between his birthday and death day.

Bullshit.

Keeping busy just meant that I actually didn’t know why I was spontaneously crying on the bedroom floor when I needed to be leaving to get the oil changed in my car. Grief: no, it doesn’t get better. You just get better at pushing it aside . . . until your body makes you remember.

So in all the crazy of the weekend, I gave myself permission to steal a few minutes and drive out to the point, to walk out on the rocks and dip my toes in the frigid Atlantic and listen to the distant clanging of the channel marker buoy. The ocean is where I feel especially close to him.

I have stories I need to write for him. Because of him. And I didn’t even know that until I went to the ocean.

Remembering to be kind to myself is an active struggle, so I’m going ahead and giving myself permission to get lost in a book, or manga, or tv show. Editing may happen, but if not that’s ok.

I’m burned out, and that’s ok.

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A Quick Glance at Writing Books by Women and Men

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I have to start off by saying I am woefully generalizing in this post. However, I think my initial thoughts are going to allow me to delve into deeper territory once I start looking into it. Let’s call this post a “first impressions” post based on two primary texts. Obviously, I need more evidence and I need to think harder on the items I’ve already read.

Now, you’re probably wondering: what the heck are you talking about?

Let me tell you!

As you know, since I went on and on and on about it last month, I recently finished Margaret Atwood’s book about writing: Negotiating with the Dead: A Writer on Writing. Currently, I am a third of the way through Ray Bradbury’s Zen in the Art of Writing. Minor aside, I have to say that I can usually peg a writer’s gender via the voice their work takes on. It’s not something really relevant, but I’ve been wrong once, and believe me, I’ve read a lot of things. This has relevance eventually.

  vs.  

We can all agree that Atwood and Bradbury are names in the writing world –what they say is packed with authority, yes? Well, from the very first sentence there is a sense that Atwood fought for that authority, that as a woman she has constantly questioned the authoritative robe she wears and that she’s earned it the hard way. By the “hard way” I mean she’s fought (and won) the pack of misogynistic minds and the publishing world at large who at certain times in history would not have liked to see such a woman gain such fame in the publishing world. Bradbury, from the very start of his book, seems as though he’s sitting on a throne looking down at me while as he imparts wisdom, and I have to say he sits there as though he was always meant to.

From Atwood I get the sense that her success if kind of a novelty to her. A, “hell, look I did it,” kind of feeling. And that is not so say she isn’t brilliant and didn’t work extremely hard to get where she is. From Bradbury I get the sense that it was a right he always knew he’d receive. He talks constantly of finding his writer voice like it was always waiting for him. Atwood recounts numerous obstacles she overcame, such as certain insecurities about being a female artist.

For the record, I know nothing about Bradbury other than the titles of the major works he’s written. I was in the same boat with Atwood until I read negotiating with the dead which had numerous personal stories within its pages.

I do wonder if what I’m seeing are generational traits since these two were raised relatively at the same time and through the women’s movement. I also wonder if these are things I’m forcing onto these texts I’m reading back to back.

Yet, I can’t help but say that I still get the impression that male artists are granted this belief by society that if they only reach far enough success is within their grasp while female artists are told that if they focus, work hard, and sacrifice enough they might succeed. This doesn’t sit well with me.

That dichotomy might seem like splitting hairs, but as a female artist it hits me hard because I believe (obviously) that women artists have all the same entitlements as their male counterparts and should have to do extra to be successful.

I’m definitely going to look into this idea further to see if my hypothesis has any credence. I think there is a marked difference between what women writers have to teach about writing verses men and their attitudes towards their success. I’d love to hear from readers about writing books they’ve read and what they think!

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Experiencing and Processing Life through Fiction

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It was a clickbait headline that got me thinking. This one:

“She’s 31 and may not live to 35.”

While I won’t go into the details, I will point you to the relevant cystic fibrosis non-profit: Emily’s Entourage.

But it got me thinking. If I only had 5 more years to live, what would I want to do? What would I want to leave behind?

I want to have some words left behind. But it is the anxiety tied with my crippling perfectionism that defeats my fiction before it even begins.

I have never been a big picture thinker. Overarching strategy in when I worked in a corporate business? That’s for someone else to decide. Themes in literary works? I was more of a decode-a-quote reader, breaking down the minute and working to make it add up to something bigger.

And it was that sort of realization that helped me figure it out.

I process life by taking my experience and bits of information and forming them into a fantastic narrative. That is how my life works. The longer I dwell on one story, the longer I am holding onto older growth and not looking forward to new growth.

Fiction is the medium through which I taste life.

Whether I share that story is up to me. Is it going to be a piece of published piece of fiction down the line? Who knows. But I have a responsibility to myself process through the story as it exists at a point in time, not dwell on it into infinity, unable to pin down and process the pieces I have alive in me.

And, right now, I’m a little behind. In five years, will I catch up? No. But I want to make a dent.

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Consuming Influences

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Everything we experience affects us in some way. Being conscious and mindful of those influences can help shape who we are, both as writers and as people.

Some writers say they can look back over their early works and tell what they were reading at the time because the influence is so strong. I remember reading one writer – I think it was Neil Gaiman, but don’t quote me on that – who said that he avoids reading anything in the genre of his current story to avoid being influenced.

I had this conversation recently with a friend of mine who is hoping to direct a stage version of Gatsby later this year. Of course, I’ll be auditioning for her if she gets the green light. She was hesitant to recommend the movies because she worried about them coloring my interpretation of the characters. (Yes, ok, the book was assigned in a high school English class, but it put me to sleep and I’m fairly sure I never finished it.)

But I love immersing myself in different visions, and I think my versions of the characters were stronger for it. When I first experience a thing, I have only a narrow understanding. That view expands over time as I learn, becoming more nuanced and complex, but exposure to other interpretations shortens the time considerably and helps me to notice details I might otherwise miss.

I do that with my stories. Sometimes I’ll have an idea for a story in a sub-genre I’m not as familiar with. Then, rather than avoid it for fear of its influence, I track down as much as I can get my hands on.

Several story ideas set in Maine have dark, spooky atmospheres that remind me of the one Stephen King story I’ve ever read (it was a short story, and of course I can’t remember the name of it, but it has stuck with me). Before I tackle any of them, I want to read more of his work to study how he creates that atmosphere.

In this case, I am actively seeking that influence, but I will choose how I use that and how it affects the story. The danger lies in that influences are often unconscious and being mindful of them is often easier said than done.

Awareness is half the battle, right?

This is not one-size-fits-all. What have you found that works (or doesn’t work) for you?

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Happy Birthday To Me!

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It’s Annual Birthday Post time! Like I said last year, and probably the year before, every 7th Day of May (or roughly thereon since it’s the 6th today) I like to take a moment to reflect on my year. This birthday is a big one –quarter century and all that– and while I’m quite astonished to suddenly find myself 25, I have to admit I’m underwhelmed. Maybe because the day hasn’t arrived yet?

By underwhelmed I mean I don’t exactly feel like it’s a big deal to be 25. The only thing about it that I’m grappling with is how much time now lies behind me. And it’s really not a lot of time, though it does feel like it some days.

I’m trying to mark the occasion with some “wild” things, I got a black streak in my hair and I’m getting a piercing done today that I promised my 18 year old self I’d do to mark the big 2-5. Other than that it’s a late lunch and pedis with my two friends and then our traditional cake eating contest (oh, and an appointment with my mechanic, because I like to pile stress on…).

That’s not the focus of this post though! As usual, my birthday is a time to take a look at my personal growth over the past 12 months and see how I’ve challenged myself. What kinds of major accomplishments and setbacks did I face? What are my feelings about my current state of existence?

Accomplishments

Compared to last year I do not feel particularly accomplished this time around. I attended a fantastic writing workshop at WWC in 2015 and learned a lot about making my work saleable and what that means art-wise. I did finish my first novel! It’s a horrible mess of a manuscript but it’s a novel from start to end. Since I’ve never done that before it’s a big deal. Now I just need to get it together to finish book number two because it is SO close to being done. Finally, I got a promotion at the day job, which is awesome all things considered. I’m also excelling there, which makes me happy.

Setbacks

I struggle with the day job. I do really well at the day job, but with my promotion came a few more hours (which I do need), but damn do they drain my batteries. This balancing between the day job and writing is very difficult for me. I’m currently on my first vacation since Christmas so I’m hoping it recharges me –my art is seriously suffering right now. Plus, I’m having too many health issues. I have lots of appointments to try and figure out what the problem is but they’re not helping my productivity and they’re getting on my nerves (the issues and appointments). Lastly, I am not growing as a writer. I hadn’t realized I’d had such a stagnant year until I started writing this post. I submitted one story twice, unsuccessfully, and that’s it. And I haven’t completed any other projects. I am shaking my head at myself as I type. Bad me.

Feelings

This is an especially tricky one at the moment. This year has been CRAZY. I’ve met siblings I never thought I’d get the opportunity to meet let alone try to forge relationships with. I’ve had some rough times at work. I’ve had some rough times evaluating my life and where I’m at in it. All of that put together though, considering my change-in-life-anxieties, and I am handling things really well. I need to stop being so tough on myself. I’m only human.

And no, I’m not worried about age. That is a number, a superfluous one at that. Time, however, that’s the fickle one. Recent events (not super close to me personally) have made it abundantly clear that time is not on my side and putting things off can mean the loss of the experience all together. If I want to do something I’m going to do it.

I have a feeling 25 is going to be interesting. I still have my January goals to tackle and lots of things on my plate. I feel like expanding my horizons will be a special focus.

And despite all that I said above, I could not resist this image:

Source.

*Featured image source.

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The Purpose of Writing

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So, last week, I spent 3 days, for 10 plus hours, standing on cement. I had been behind a table at Calgary Expo before, but that was a time when I was working solely for Clare at FaeryInkPress.com. This time, I was selling my own work on one quarter of Clare’s table.

Clare has a wonderful recap of her experience at Calgary Expo here. I may or may not do post-mortems of my own–if I do, they won’t be here–but I did want to talk about a few things that came up when I was selling.

First, there is a certain emotionality that comes into play when selling your own work. Where all the hours of writing, editing, fiddling with formatting, and overall drudgery…that they are worth it. That seeing someone genuinely excited to experience your work, willing to pay for that work. There isn’t anything quite like that rush.

Second, talking with someone who is excited to have someone with a piece of their identity in the story–you can tell the moment it hits. The moment where their eyes get a little wider, their lips part as they fumble for how they can express what it means to them, and their hand drifts forward to anchor themselves to something you’re created.

Third, listening to someone express their need to belong in a creative work. I’m not talking about works where if you kind of blur your eyes, you might be able to see something queer (queer baited). I’m talking about something that is admittedly queer, doesn’t placate or soften its shots for a general market, and not something where the identity alone is the plot. That really is the purpose of writing. To give someone a story to belong in.

I was really fortunate to be face-to-face with so many positive, receptive people this weekend. I heard many stories about the journey to be comfortable in one’s own skin and/or queerness. And I did some home, tired and worn out, swearing cement had leeched into my legs and into my bloodstream, and I cried.

And then I opened my notebook to write.

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Book Challenge: Melissa’s Edition

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We all know by now that I am up for a challenge. We also know that my book counts have been abysmally low (for me) over the last couple years. So I suppose it’s only fitting that I’ve spent the last couple days immersed in reading.

Since Saturday morning, I have burned my way through Shakespeare’s A Comedy of Errors and two fantasy novels. Well, nearly two. The second should be done before bed tonight.

That’s with two performances, over four hours of driving for said performances, almost-sufficient sleep, and a full day of work.

I’m feeling rather proud of myself.

And now I’m taking up Elisa’s challenge from last week: five books I think everyone should read and why.

Except there’s a twist.

See, there are books I still haven’t read – despite some amount of interest – due to the fact that someone, at some point (likely my sister, many many times when we were kids) told me I had to read them. I’m stubborn that way. Give me some choice in the matter, and my lizard-brain is happy with the appearance of control.

Without further ado, my list, in no particular order:

Anything by Tamora Pierce. Seriously. Especially anything set in Alanna’s world. I would recommend starting with Alanna: The First Adventure. I covered some reasons in last week’s post, but the best reasons are the ones you discover for yourself.

Likewise, anything by Nnedi Okorafor. I picked up an ARC of The Shadow Speaker at the used bookstore where I used to work, and I literally did nothing else until I finished it. Few books have ever made the world disappear so completely. And every single story I’ve read since has made me equally as breathless.

Anything by Jane Lindskold. I haven’t met many people who have heard of her, though she’s been publishing for a while. I first discovered her with the book Wolf’s Head, Wolf’s Heart, the first in a series centered around a young woman named Firekeeper by the giant, intelligent wolves who raised her, and her introduction and integration into human society. Brother to Dragons, Companion to Owls is another favorite, not set in Firekeeper’s world. Her books seem to always make me look at what it means to be human.

For any kind of artist, I have to recommend Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. This is non-fiction, and a book to chew through slowly. It’s actually an entire, intensive course in freeing yourself to create. To actually follow the program takes an intense amount of time and energy, but there are so many ways to modify it to suit your life and spoons. I definitely recommend following the course as outlined in the book at least once. It provides so many strategies and approaches to being creative and living a creative life. I learned an incredible amount about writing and myself as a writer from doing this.

Last but not least, if you’re a writer – especially if you’re a newer writer at the beginning end of the spectrum – find a book that is poorly written. Bonus points if you enjoy it anyway.

At ten, I discovered a book that I immediately read over and over. When I sat back and thought about it, trying to pinpoint what I loved, I realized it was not terribly well written. In short, I realized that I could write a better, stronger story. I learned then how much can be forgiven if the story has a fast enough pace. But nothing gives me encouragement and comfort like that book.

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Book Challenge: Fiction Edition

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All writers are readers. It’s a fact of nature. And all readers have books we think everyone should read for one reason or another because they are amazing, right?

I know I’m right.

So, before I launch into my list, which I’m capping at five so that I force myself to pick and choose, I am extending my challenge to Kate and Melissa, and any readers who care to take it up: What five fiction books do you think everyone should read at least once and why?

In no particular order, I think everyone should read these titles at least one:

Monsters of Men, Patrick Ness. Though this is book three in the Chaos Walking series, it is the most important not only because it is easily the best trilogy conclusion I have ever read but because it reinforces the evils of colonialism, a key theme in this series. In book one we meet the protagonist Todd, who stumbles upon an incredible secret just before the birthday that will turn him into a man. The catch, you can’t keep secrets in Todd’s world because every man is privy to every other man’s Noise.

There is a pointed focus on men in this series because there are no women –well, not at first. The plot, characters, style, and structure make these books so important not only for younger readers but all readers. I learned so much about writing reading them.

Walk Two Moons, Sharon Creech. I read this book in fifth grade and it has stayed with me ever since. It is a story of learning to deal with one’s grief but also learning to accept another’s way of dealing with their own grief. Basically, it’s about learning to walk in someone else’s shoes, via the protagonist Sal and her story of her friend Phoebe.

There are only two unfortunate things about this book: the title and the cover; and I only say that because to this day I cannot get anyone to read the darn book! They give me that, “uh huh” look whenever I mention it. They don’t know what they’re missing!

Fool, Christopher Moore & A Thousand Acres, Jane Smiley. I absolutely paired these two together because they are both retellings of Shakespeare’s King Lear. That’s about where the similarities end.

In Fool, we follow the story from the point of view of Pocket, Lear’s chief Fool. The thing that makes this such a great read is not only Moore’s mastery as a story teller (seriously, I have never been disappointed by one of Moore’s tales), the vividness with which he honours Shakespeare is incredible, but also through the specific lens he chose. Pocket, though he might as well be invisible unless called upon to entertain, is always there. He knows everybody’s secrets and exactly how to play them. Yet as the story unfolds, we learn that Pocket has a secret of his own, one that unfolds and wraps itself around your heart.

A Thousand Acres more closely follows the structure of the bard’s play as it is written in third person with a full view of the cast, though it does focus the story through Ginny. It is a contemporary novel set on a farm in Iowa, but zings with all the tragedy that came with King Lear. My favourite part of Smiley’s work is that it is a feminist retelling and focuses on the tragedy of the two oldest daughters and what they have done to shape their lives and the life of their youngest sister, whose actions end up unravelling a lot more than anyone could have anticipated. While Fool makes me laugh and cry, A Thousand Acres makes my blood boil while I cry.

I learned a great deal about what it means to retell a story and make it your own from these two authors.

Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte & Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen. I grouped these two together not only because I couldn’t pick between them, but because I think that if ever there was a classic that every single person should read, it’s these two. Not one or the other, but both.

Jane Eyre is the perfect coming of age novel wherein we meet a brilliant woman who teaches us two fundamental life lessons: don’t let anyone treat you like garbage and fight for what you believe in. Jane is easily one of the best heroines in English literature, and her ability to break through idiotic class barriers is   nothing short of marvelous.

As for Pride and Prejudice, it’s elegant, entertaining, extremely well written, and really funny. Jane and Elizabeth have a lot in common, though Elizabeth doesn’t quite break through the class barriers of her time in the same manor, nor does she deal with the same hard knocks. Still, it’s fascinating to watch the play of class dynamics as well as the struggles between Elizabeth and Darcy. First impressions and all that, you know.

We Were the Mulvaneys, Joyce Carol Oates. I have a thing for family sagas, I’ll admit it. And this is still the book I return to whenever I think of quintessential family sagas. In it we follow the story of the Mulvaneys whose perfect life is shattered by the events of one night that haunts every family member differently, with vastly different effects. It’s a story of what ifs and whys and is just superbly composed.

Bonus: Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk. Of all of the Palahniuk titles I’ve read, and I’ve read a lot, this is easily my top pick. It is a brutal shot at the beauty industry and all the little narratives advertisements use to deceives us. A thorough analysis of beauty that is only skin deep and that fine line of things that make us visible/invisible to the eye of our fellow humans, Invisible Monsters will stay with you long after you’ve read the final page and discover the narrators dark secret.

You caught me, I totally cheated a couple of times –but I couldn’t help it! And I had to make it exclusively fiction because I couldn’t pick and choose between my non-fiction and fiction titles. So guess what a future post will be about!

And I think I will extend this challenge again at some point because a person’s favourite or important books absolutely changes depending on mood.

I’m excited to see everyone’s selections!

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Administrative Burden of Being an Indie Author

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I’m not sure if I have written about this before. Administrative burdens was something that I factored into with my 2016 Goals post–trying to not overload my plate with goals without taking into account a lot of the effort that needs to go in-and-around them.

The last two weeks pretty solidly been getting ready to share a table at Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo. Clare C. Marshall of Faery Ink Press has let the Crash and Burn Comic share a table with her–which is at once amazing and terrifying. Because it is the Comic’s first convention–and it’s a big one. Last year saw over 100,000 people attend.

Go big or go home, ne?

Things we have for the first time: printed comic issues for both Prologue and Chapter 1 (which had to be hand trimmed), new buttons, and table setting materials including sign holders and book stands. All of which involved plenty of trips to various stores, trying to navigate deals, and a lot of thought to figure out what, exactly, we needed in the first place.

When people say that artists don’t have a business sense, I call bullshit. Do you know how much it costs to invest in things like an initial print run–even when you find a micropress who is willing to help you at cost–and just everything that goes into setting up *part* of a table? We don’t even have major signage yet. Add onto that coordinating table sharing or paying table cost up front.

Anyway. First con is coming up. Today is set up and I’m caught between really excited and terrified. I feel like there is still so much to do and so little time do it.

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Favorite Characters: Gender-Bending

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I’m going to go ahead and blame Tamora Pierce for my love of cross-dressing characters. I discovered the Song of the Lioness Quartet by age seven and have reread them them at least once a year every year since.

For anyone who hasn’t read them (for the love of all that is good, please READ THEM), the main character Alanna switches place with her twin brother. He goes off to study sorcery and she goes off to become a knight. And because only boys become knights, she has to figure out how to pass as male.

I guess the younger me was highly attracted to the idea that gender is a changeable, fluid thing. Alanna: The First Adventure was my first introduction to gender boundaries being flexible and permeable.

In so many ways, I am such a healthier person for those books.

This topic is on my mind since I just binged my way through the manga W Juliet (again). The two main characters in that are a girl who prefers to look and be treated as a boy, and a boy who has to pass himself off as female all through high school so his father will allow him to pursue acting.

The theatre element alone was enough to hook me. (Though I wish there’d been more theatre. As I’m currently in tech week for a show – opening Thursday with a three week run, so we’ll see how coherent my next few posts are – there are definitely many elements of stage production that the manga glossed over. Though there are other series I can turn to for that fix . . . and I’m getting totally off-topic.)

The crossdressing characters are ones I love to read, but I don’t have any stories that use that conceit. Weird, I know. I still struggle as a writer with breaking the gender binary (and some stories of this type run the risk of enforcing the harmful binary myth).

What are some of your favorite character types, either to read or write? Please share!

I come back to characters again and again, because the characters are what make me fall in love with stories. Don’t be surprised if you see more posts on my favorites!

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