Writer’s Block as Internalized Rejection

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Okay, this post is about something that has taken me a very very long time to figure out.

Most of my writer’s block comes from rejection.

Now, this isn’t the type of term where I have submitted my work, been rejected, and I react internally to that rejection on some level, usually applying it as some sort of inadequacy on my part. That, my friends, is internal rejection. That makes perfect sense, really. That’s just a internal reaction to an external interaction.

I’m talking internalized rejection, the internalization of rejection. Wikipedia helps us out with the term internalization:

Internalization means an individual’s acceptance of a set of norms and values (established by others) through socialization. John Finley Scott described internalization as a metaphor in which something (i.e. an idea, concept, action) moves from outside the mind or personality to a place inside of it.”

Now, I am familiar with this term because of a concept familiar to a lot of queer people called internalized homophobia. Basically, you internalize that the world fears or hates gay people because of how that information has been presented in society–including fiction (this is a whole other topic)–and then apply that ostracization and othering to yourself. This is why, even if you have a supportive family, it can be very difficult to:

Realize you are, in fact, not heterosexual, and
Come out because you expect the consequence to be the negativity you internalized.

So I finally realized that this concept applies to myself as a writer. Basically, I have been socialized to reject my own creative ideas as being “not good enough” or being “undeveloped and unworthy” or being “childish and infantile”. Basically, I expect that my stories ideas will not be met with curiosity of fascination, but with ridicule. My internalization of rejection has made me ashamed.

How has this rejection been socialized into me? Well, let’s face it, childhood is not pleasant with sparkles and glitter for everyone. I won’t go into the nitty-gritty. I will point out that I have had some people in my life who were incredibly supportive of my writing. However, those few positive people who respected my work and received it with positivity and enthusiasm, were not enough to overcome the rest of the shit that had been socialized into me.

Also, school systems do little to value creativity. I was a fantastic student in regards to following the rules, hitting all the required points of assignments, meeting all the criteria necessary to be seen as a success. However, the fiction taught to me in school (K-12) was written by cis het white dudes. The examples of successful, interesting, “worth reading” fiction taught to me in school was what I was not.

Where was I going to fit? Only in the small space of masculine-minded stories, apparently. Newsflash: I’m a lesbian woman. This misogynistic, racist, heteronormative view of valued creative voices did me a whole hell of a lot of harm.

AND I’M ONLY JUST FIGURING THIS OUT.

Source

So, now, let’s follow this up with the last part of the definition of internalization, per Wikipedia because, let’s face it, I’m not on an academic platform and there is no professor telling me I’ll be dinged a mark for sourcing Wikipedia:

The structure and the happenings of society shapes one’s inner self and it can also be reversed.

Should I point out what I bolded again? It can be reversed. My internalized rejection of my ideas–my frivolous, gay, spectacular, non-patriarchy-abiding ideas–can be reversed.

My creative voice can be valued, not only by others, but by myself.

Excuse me while I go write. Finally.

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