Jake Eagle's Blog, page 8

Protected: Spacious Meditation

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

The post Protected: Spacious Meditation appeared first on Reology.

Law of Acceptable Dishonesty

Long before we go to school we are trained to be dishonest, often by well-meaning, good people. Our parents, neighbors, friends, coaches and teachers all do it. We are all taught that white lies, omissions, minimizations and exaggerations are acceptable, especially if we justify our lies as a way to protect someone’s feelings.

Law of Acceptable Dishonesty

I call this the Law of Acceptable Dishonesty, and I came to fully recognize it in myself when Jake Eagle, one of the co-founders of Reology, recently recommended that I read a series of books about a character named Ender, by Orson Scott Card. I had no idea that I would use this science fiction novel as a way to enrich my life and elevate my consciousness, but that’s exactly what happened.

Reading this book I discovered an erroneous belief that most of us share—something we were taught almost before we could speak. What I’m referring to is the Law of Acceptable Dishonesty. Of course, it’s not written about or discussed, but it’s present everywhere and in my experience it’s a source of tension and conflict that lies hidden beneath the radar in our society.

It’s better to tell your Aunt Sarah that you love coming to Sunday dinner and hide her awful meatloaf in your napkin than tell her you’d rather eat out. It’s acceptable to decline an invitation to your co-worker’s party by saying you are sick rather than saying you don’t want to go. And it’s easier to listen to your sister complain about her lousy marriage than suggest she and her husband seek out a marriage counselor.

What’s the reasoning behind the Law of Acceptable Dishonesty? What is it that we fear will happen if we stop lying?

Will we hurt others?

When I sat and thought about how we teach our kids that lying is OK I began to unravel the flaws in our rationalizations. The first flaw is we believe that we may hurt each other’s feelings when we are honest. We are taught to believe that we are responsible for each other’s feelings—that it’s better to lie to you than risk you disappointing or hurting yourself if I speak honestly.

Is it hard to be honest?

We also believe that being honest is hard. We avoid being honest with one another because we think it’s difficult. Even our language supports this idea—we speak of being “brutally honest,” “laying it on the line,” and we are told, “this will be hard to hear, you better sit down.” We are taught to steel and brace ourselves before “confronting” someone with how we really feel. Often we won’t consider speaking honestly with our partners or family members unless we’re in counseling with them. We need trained professionals to help us through the pain and shock of speaking honestly with each other.

The fascinating thing is that’s not my experience—not any longer. Every time I am honest about why I don’t want to go to your party or why I don’t want to go to Sunday dinner at Aunt Sarah’s I feel better. And I feel better because I have learned to be honest in a kind and respectful way. And it isn’t hard.

I don’t have to tell Aunt Sarah she’s a terrible cook, I can suggest that she’s been cooking for me for years and now it’s my turn to either cook or take her out to eat. I can thank you for your invitation and gently remind you that I don’t like parties but I’d love to meet you for brunch next week. And I can tell my sister that I hurt and frustrate myself when she tells me how unhappy she is in her marriage. I can suggest that by letting off steam with me, she is delaying taking action. I can remind her that when my marriage was in trouble, Bob and I went to counseling and now we’re doing well.

Speaker for the Dead

In Orson Scott Card’s books, Ender becomes a “Speaker for the Dead,” and his role is to offer an honest eulogy of the dead. He interviews family members, friends, co-workers, and citizens of the small village. He paints an honest description of how the deceased lived, worked and related with his loved ones. In speaking honestly Ender reveals the pain, fears and secrets of the dead as well as their hopes, successes, and joys. As he gently unveils the life of the deceased, the entire village is transformed. Old wounds are healed, family members are reunited and people who colluded by keeping quiet realize their mistakes. Healing takes place where decade-long rifts and disappointments had ruled.

I inspire myself reading Card’s books and I have seen how much tension I carry when I avoid speaking honestly. I don’t have to tell huge lies to feel tension in my body; even the small seemingly innocuous evasions and omissions have a restrictive effect on my nervous system. I feel creepy and I feel a distance between myself and the person I am hiding from that wasn’t there before.

And that, for me, is the most painful thing that occurs when I lie to you. When I am dishonest, I separate myself from you. My dishonesty creates a gulf between us and the longer I ignore it the harder it is to close the gap. Instead of living separately, afraid to be honest and believing that I am responsible for your feelings, I now choose to live differently. I opt for honesty, I opt for getting really good at telling you how I feel—gently and respectfully—trusting that you are capable of hearing me because we are friends. I trust that you would rather live in ease than in the tension and separation that results from living in Acceptable Dishonesty.

When we are relating I remind myself that we are two different people. We will never see things in exactly the same way, nor will we always agree. But this doesn’t have to prevent us from being honest, nor does it have to be a source of tension.

When we respect each other we can appreciate and accept our differences.

Honesty creates safety

If I do something that causes you to frustrate yourself I want to know. If there is something about me that you irritate yourself with I want us to feel safe with each so we can talk about it. Being honest with each other creates a safe world for us to live in. We are easier with each other, kinder and more loving. When we trust each other to be honest we live in deep connection. We are free to be ourselves and love with great passion because we are safe.

What I appreciate most about the teachings of Reology is that not only do I grow as I continue with my practice, but the art of Reology is continually evolving as well. The stewards of Reology, Jake and Hannah Eagle, are always looking to find ways to reduce tension, create more ease and reach more people. As they grow individually, they teach others, and their students in turn bring their practice into the world, reducing tensions, easing conflicts and finding more grace.

 

The post Law of Acceptable Dishonesty appeared first on Reology.

Part 2: Trying To Be Present Creates Anxiety—Creating Presence Reduces Anxiety

So, you want to learn to be present—to live in the moment? There are times and places when this may be helpful, but in Part 2 of this article I want to point out that trying to be present may be contributing to your anxiety.

Why? Because when we think about being in the moment—and “moment” is defined as an indefinitely short period of time—we are using time as our measuring stick. The problem with this approach is that most people think of time as being limited; we only have so much time. And, therefore, this approach, which is at the center of our civilization, creates urgency and angst.

Too much focus on time

Our focus on time relates directly to our focus on productivity. We want to get things done. For example, when we have meetings to discuss something, we allocate a certain amount of time. Contrast this with some Aboriginal and Native American cultures that, for example, use a “talking stick.” The “talking stick” is passed around the circle until every one has nothing more to say. That’s how they know the meeting is over. Time is not a factor.

But in our culture, time is a factor, just about all the time. And as the pace of our culture speeds up—instant messaging, emailing, and instant gratification with Amazon overnight delivery—we may be losing valuable character traits. Traits such as: patience, discipline, and awareness of the consequences of our actions—not just today, but for years and generations to come. I believe that in our time-oriented culture we are unlikely to solve the problems related to time by focusing on time. Another time management course may not be the answer. And repeated attempts to be in the moment may not be the answer.

Instead, I want to share with you a new approach to experience the benefits of living in the moment, but without any urgency or angst. So, just for a minute (do you see how time creeps in even when I prefer to avoid it?), I invite you to consider an alternative to using time as the lens through which you view your world.

Enter the world of space

When I stop using time as my measuring stick, and instead I become aware of spaciousness, I’m living within what I call, “spacious-consciousness,” and all urgency and angst drop away. As my perspective (consciousness) changes, the world around me appears to change. To quote the poet, David Whyte, “When your eyes are tired, the world is tired also.”

As I see the world through spacious eyes, instead of trying to be present—in the here and now (as measured by time)—I experience presence.

Are you familiar with the expression, “She has such presence.” When we say this we are typically referring to the way a person comports herself—the way she occupies space. We sense the person is fully present, yes, and also embodied, congruent and unflappable.

Being fully present means I’m attending to what’s happening now. Being embodied means it’s not just my mind that’s present, but I’m in my body—connected, feeling, and emotionally available. Being congruent means that I’m communicating a single message, not saying one thing with my words and another with my body language, but rather, conveying the same message with my words, body language, and behaviors. And being unflappable—calm regardless of the circumstances—is largely the result of not focusing on time.

During “difficult times” in my life (again, notice this expression relates to time), I become flappable—reactive—and my sense of spaciousness shrinks. The same thing happens when I experience conflict with another person. In these situations I’m reacting to my perception of time, because when I don’t like how I feel I urgently want to escape my discomfort. I think I can do so by running away or sometimes by asserting myself—winning—and proving I’m right.

Running away doesn’t create presence. Neither does asserting my point of view, although I may mistake assertiveness for presence, but assertiveness is an example of force, which is not the same thing as presence. Presence and force are very different. Force is born out of fear. Presence is born out of existence. Presence is part of my existential nature, the space I occupy prior to making meaning.

Space exists prior to making meaning

Think about this. There is a space that exists—a state of awareness—prior to making meaning. Victor Frankl said, “Between the stimulus and the response there is a space and in that space is our power and freedom.” Frankl was talking about our power and freedom to make choices. I’m talking about accessing that space between the stimulus and the response as a way to create presence in my life.

The more I learn to live in that space, fewer things weigh down my consciousness. In that space I can soar (like an Eagle :-)). For me, spaciousness is a shift in which things in the foreground—turmoil, drama, and crises—move to the background and the background—spaciousness—moves to the foreground. This shift is more profound than any other I’ve experienced.

This idea of shifting from time-consciousness to spacious- consciousness exemplifies the underlying value of Reology, which is realizing and remembering that my experience of the world is dependent on the ways in which I make meaning. I can make meaning by using time as my filter, or I can make meaning by using space as my filter—and the meanings I make, which drive my beliefs and behaviors, will be very different.

If you want to start living with more presence, think ’space.’ And if your first question is, “How long will this take?,” it will take you longer than if you ask, “How can I do this?” Try to stop measuring and evaluating things in time.

To begin, use the three tools I offered in Part 1 of this article. They allow you to start from the familiar perspective of time-consciousness and then open a door through which you take yourself into spacious-consciousness. As a reminder, the tools I shared in Part 1 were:

Return to Now
Tell fewer stories
Learn to be present with discomfort

The next step is to start becoming more aware of spaciousness. Notice when you contract and tense yourself. Notice when you expand and relax yourself. Feel the difference in your body.

And if you don’t have a meditation practice, I encourage you to start meditating ten minutes a day. If you already have a practice, take the first few minutes of your practice to play around with expanding your sense of space. To do this, begin by expanding your awareness beyond your physical body. Allow your awareness of space to extend out into the room in which you are sitting. And, if you are able to do so, allow your awareness of space to extend beyond the room . . .

If you want more information about this practice of creating spacious-consciousness, use the form below to request a copy of my forthcoming e-book, and when it’s available I’ll notify you.

Request to be notified of new e-book
For people who want to be notified when my new e-book comes out.

Full Name*Enter Full NameEmail address*Enter Email AddressDo You Want To Be Part of The First 100?YesNo100 people will receive a free copy of the e-book and they are requested to ask questions, which will be answered and included in the book—anonymously. Please indicate if you'd like to be part of this process. Join our mailling listI am already on your mailing listYes, please add my name to the listNo thank youDo you want us to add your name to our mailing list?

 

The post Part 2: Trying To Be Present Creates Anxiety—Creating Presence Reduces Anxiety appeared first on Reology.

Part 1: Trying To Be Present Creates Anxiety — Creating Presence Reduces Anxiety

Why are so many of us exploring mindfulness practices, meditation, and yoga? I believe this is because as the velocity of our lives increases, we seek to create balance by creating some spaciousness in our lives. This is certainly true for me—I want more spaciousness.

In Part 1 of this article I will share with you some steps you can take to be more present, even while living in a fast paced culture. Then, in Part 2, I will share a truly transformative leap you can take that changes the entire game of life. I believe both are necessary—the small steps and then the leap—because when I focus only on being more present, without understanding how to create presence in my life, I inadvertently make myself anxious.

To begin, I want to share my experience. The more tension I have in my life the more I weigh myself down. When I feel weighed down or overwhelmed, one of the most disappointing side effects is that I’m not present, therefore I’m not available to have meaningful and loving connections with people. Without those connections and love in my life, I spiral further into dissatisfaction.

The steps I’ll share with you in Part 1 of this article help me be present and stay more connected with other people—even though life is whirling and rushing all around me. When I want to slow down and connect I can do three things:

1. Return to now

When I’m talking with another person, especially if there is tension or conflict, I can bring the conversation back to now. I do this by asking simple questions of the other person and myself. “What can we do right now in this moment to connect?” “What do I need right now in this moment?” “What do you need from me right now in this moment?”

The power of now is that it represents the greatest opportunity to bring about change. We can’t change the past and we can’t be sure what the future will bring. But we have great opportunity to make this moment the way we want or need it to be.

The challenge for most of us is that we have learned to talk about the past, often as a way to justify what we’re doing in the present. And we have learned to talk about the future, often as a way to threaten (“If you don’t change your behavior I won’t stay with you”), or to cajole, (“It’s no big deal, it won’t happen again, you’ll see, everything will be fine.”)

In Reology, we use the expression, “Return to now,” as a simple reminder to do what Ram Dass wrote about in his famous book, “Remember, Be Here Now.” Most people think the title of that book was “Be Here Now,” but he realized the key is remembering to be here now. And the simplest way we have found to do that is to talk about what’s happening now.

2. Tell fewer stories

The second thing I can do is to stop telling stories. Not all stories and not forever, but when there is interpersonal tension I help myself by telling fewer stories.

Many of my stories are intended to justify my actions or prove the other person was the cause of my current problems. Neither of these helps me reconnect with someone.

Can stories be useful? Sure. For one thing, a story can be a way to reveal more about myself, to make myself vulnerable, to seek to be better understood. But what would happen if I asked myself before telling a story, “What’s my intention behind telling this story?” For one thing, I would be more conscious of what I’m doing. And if I were to ask this question, there are many stories I would not tell.

The other problem with telling stories is that when I do so I often dilute my message—dilute myself. Why not simply state what I want, how I make myself feel, or take responsibility for what I’m projecting onto the other person. All of these bring me back to now.

3. Learn to be present with discomfort

Another reason I avoid being here now is because I may not want to feel negative feelings. So, part of our practice in Reology is creating space to acknowledge how we feel, even when we don’t feel good.

We have developed a three-part model that we refer to as the PRO model. (You can read that article by clicking this link). PRO stands for Pond, River, Ocean. Each one represents an energetic state that we may find ourselves in. The Pond is the state we are in when we are feeling stuck or unresourceful. When in the Pond we often want to get out as a way to escape our discomfort.

I believe that I am often better off if I go into my feelings of discomfort, fully acknowledging them—hopefully in a mature way. The PRO model offers a way to do this. All things are temporary, including my uncomfortable feelings, except when I resist them. When I resist, my discomfort seems to persist.

In summary, Part 1 of this article describes three things I can do to be here now. These steps help me have healthier connections with the people I care about, and this helps me cope better with the velocity and pace of modern life.

In the second part of this article I’ll introduce a fresh perspective, not so much about how to be present, but how to create presence. And, I encourage you to practice what’s in this article in the meantime. The ideas contained above lay the foundation for what’s to come next.

To watch our “Blab” related to this article, click on the video below. It requires that you are using Firefox or Chrome.

The post Part 1: Trying To Be Present Creates Anxiety — Creating Presence Reduces Anxiety appeared first on Reology.

Trying To Be Present Creates Anxiety — Creating Presence Reduces Anxiety

Why are so many of us exploring mindfulness practices, meditation, and yoga? I believe this is because as the velocity of our lives increases, we seek to create balance by creating some spaciousness in our lives. This is certainly true for me—I want more spaciousness.

In part one of this article I will share with you some steps you can take to be more present, even while living in a fast paced culture. Then, in part two, I will share a truly transformative leap you can take that changes the entire game of life. I believe both are necessary—the small steps and then the leap—because when I focus only on being more present, without understanding how to create presence in my life, I inadvertently make myself anxious.

To begin, I want to share my experience. The more tension I have in my life the more I weigh myself down. When I feel weighed down or overwhelmed, one of the most disappointing side effects is that I’m not present, therefore I’m not available to have meaningful and loving connections with people. Without those connections and love in my life, I spiral further into dissatisfaction.

The steps I’ll share with you in part 1 of this article help me be present and stay more connected with other people—even though life is whirling and rushing all around me. When I want to slow down and connect I can do three things:

1. Return to now

When I’m talking with another person, especially if there is tension or conflict, I can bring the conversation back to now. I do this by asking simple questions of the other person and myself. “What can we do right now in this moment to connect?” “What do I need right now in this moment?” “What do you need from me right now in this moment?”

The power of now is that it represents the greatest opportunity to bring about change. We can’t change the past and we can’t be sure what the future will bring. But we have great opportunity to make this moment the way we want or need it to be.

The challenge for most of us is that we have learned to talk about the past, often as a way to justify what we’re doing in the present. And we have learned to talk about the future, often as a way to threaten (“If you don’t change your behavior I won’t stay with you”), or to cajole, (“It’s no big deal, it won’t happen again, you’ll see, everything will be fine.”)

In Reology, we use the expression, “Return to now,” as a simple reminder to do what Ram Dass wrote about in his famous book, “Remember, Be Here Now.” Most people think the title of that book was “Be Here Now,” but he realized the key is remembering to be here now. And the simplest way we have found to do that is to talk about what’s happening now.

2. Tell fewer stories

The second thing I can do is to stop telling stories. Not all stories and not forever, but when there is interpersonal tension I help myself by telling fewer stories.

Many of my stories are intended to justify my actions or prove the other person was the cause of my current problems. Neither of these helps me reconnect with someone.

Can stories be useful? Sure. For one thing, a story can be a way to reveal more about myself, to make myself vulnerable, to seek to be better understood. But what would happen if I asked myself before telling a story, “What’s my intention behind telling this story?” For one thing, I would be more conscious of what I’m doing. And if I were to ask this question, there are many stories I would not tell.

The other problem with telling stories is that when I do so I often dilute my message—dilute myself. Why not simply state what I want, how I make myself feel, or take responsibility for what I’m projecting onto the other person. All of these bring me back to now.

3. Learn to be present with discomfort

Another reason I avoid being here now is because I may not want to feel negative feelings. So, part of our practice in Reology is creating space to acknowledge how we feel, even when we don’t feel good.

We have developed a three-part model that we refer to as the PRO model. (You can read that article by clicking this link). PRO stands for Pond, River, Ocean. Each one represents an energetic state that we may find ourselves in. The Pond is the state we are in when we are feeling stuck or unresourceful. When in the Pond we often want to get out as a way to escape our discomfort.

I believe that I am often better off if I go into my feelings of discomfort, fully acknowledging them—hopefully in a mature way. The PRO model offers a way to do this. All things are temporary, including my uncomfortable feelings, except when I resist them. When I resist, my discomfort seems to persist.

In summary, part 1 of this article describes three things I can do to be here now. These steps help me have healthier connections with the people I care about, and this helps me cope better with the velocity and pace of modern life.

In the second part of this article I’ll introduce a fresh perspective, not so much about how to be present, but how to create presence. And, I encourage you to practice what’s in this article in the meantime. The ideas contained above lay the foundation for what’s to come next.

The post Trying To Be Present Creates Anxiety —
Creating Presence Reduces Anxiety appeared first on Reology.

As Consciousness Rises Tension Decreases

Our consciousness can rise, like the sun rising in this stunning photograph taken in the Carpathian mountains in Ukraine. And it is my belief that as my consciousness rises, the tension in my life decreases.

Inversely, when there is tension in my life, the tension pulls my consciousness down to lower levels. So one of the ways I can help myself elevate my consciousness is by reducing the tension in my life.

Certainly there are some forms of tension that are constructive, like the tension that comes when we push ourselves past previous limitations. But, in general, I think most of the tension in my life, especially interpersonal tension and conflict, is unnecessary. And when I engage in interpersonal dynamics that create tension—fighting with my wife—I experience a double whammy. Not only is the tension unpleasant, but it causes my consciousness to devolve. Then, from a lower state of consciousness, I become more reactive and judgmental, less capable of understanding and connecting.

When I speak about states of consciousness, for simplicity, I condense them to three levels. Some Shamanic teachings speak of seven levels of consciousness, Buddhist teachings speak of nine level of consciousness. The three that I work with include: safety, openhearted, and spacious. In another article I will explain more about each of these. The point of this article is to suggest that the more tension we have in our lives, the more we inhibit our ability to elevate our consciousness.

Consciousness matters

Being able to elevate my consciousness matters a great deal to me, because as I do so, I experience a different relationship with everything in my life. What seems threatening to me when perceived through safety-consciousness, stimulates compassion when viewed through openhearted-consciousness, and enlightens when viewed through spacious-consciousness.

In recent weeks I’ve been focusing more on shifting my consciousness and less on trying to shift the events in my life. The results feel profound. I am approaching this from both ends—one involves a meditation practice and the other involves reducing sources of tension.

To learn more about ways you can reduce tension in your life, watch the video below. The “video” was recorded this morning, using new technology called a “Blab.” A Blab allows four people at a time to interact over the internet while being viewed by many other people. This is something we are experimenting with. We’ll be offering more Blabs in the coming weeks and we invite you to join us.

Take a peek below and see what you discover.

If the video does not show up, it’s probably because you’re using the Safari browser. Try using Firefox or Chrome.

The post As Consciousness Rises Tension Decreases appeared first on Reology.

How To Find The Sweet Spot In Your Life

In the course of our lives we are likely to experience what’s known as a sweet spot—this is a place where everything comes together and produces the best possible result with minimal effort. A sweet spot can last for an extended period of time, resulting in deep satisfaction and fulfillment.

Many people reflect upon their youth as if it were the sweet spot, but generally that’s not the case, because when we were young we expended a great deal of effort to produce results. The sweet spot for most of us will be a stage of life known as the “old adult” stage. This typically starts around the time we turn fifty and can last until we are in our seventies.

If you are younger than fifty, there are things you can do now that will increase the depth and duration of your sweet spot. If you’re older than seventy, and haven’t experienced your sweet spot, it may not be too late. I’ll say more about both of these later. And if you’re in your sweet spot now, there are things you can do to extend it. So, although this article focuses on a certain stage of life, hopefully people of all ages will find value in thinking about this.

I just turned sixty

Turning a certain age does not guarantee that we will experience a sweet spot—several factors need to align. And for me, they have. I’m right smack in my sweet spot, and I’m celebrating this every day. I hope you can do the same.

The “old adult” stage is unique in that, hopefully, we have developed our emotional maturity, financial stability, clarity about what we value, and wisdom. And, if we are fortunate, we still have our physical and mental vitality. There is only one other ingredient needed to produce a sweet spot, and that is awareness that time is running out.

With this awareness I ask myself:

How many more times will I make love to my wife? How many more belly laughs will I have? How many more inspirations will come my way while I still have the ability to articulate and share them? How many more dogs will I own and love? How many great books will I be able to read? Or write? How many more snow angels will I make in my lifetime? How many more great ski runs will exhilarate me?

My answer to all of these questions could be, “Not enough.” In that case, I focus on scarcity and scare myself. Or my answer could be, “As many as I do.” And then I am aware that the number will be limited, but I don’t place too much emphasis on that fact, just enough so that I choose to be fully present and appreciate the experiences I do have.

I don’t have time to wait

I certainly don’t have time to be angry; especially with the people I love the most. I don’t have time to leave things unsaid. I don’t have time to indulge in blaming other people, endlessly processing my feelings and recycling previous disappointments. I don’t have time to chase rainbows; instead I chase things I believe I can catch.

During the old-adult stage, life invites us to replace distractions with deeper conversations. Some people miss the invitation—because they are distracted. Some people receive it, but don’t know how to respond. But that can be the starting point. Start exploring what it would mean to have deeper conversations. As I do this I may scare away some people, but I’ll attract others. And as I do this, as I go deeper, I am taking myself in the direction of the sweet spot.

And for those people who aren’t finding the sweet spot? Why not? There can be several reasons, but the two most common reasons I’ve identified are:

They didn’t put in place the foundational pieces.


They’ve pulled back from life and lost their mojo.

I mentioned the foundational pieces earlier, but now I’ll say more about them:

Emotional maturity

This is key. When I have developed a certain degree of emotional maturity I am no longer reactive to other people. I take responsibility for my own feelings and behaviors, no longer blaming other people or circumstances for my frustrations. I have a long time-horizon, which creates patience, yet paradoxically; I live mostly in the present. I am comfortable knowing different people have different points of view, so I no longer seek a singular Truth. And, I have learned ways to maturely express my emotions, even those that are immature.

Financial stability

The sweet spot in life is sweeter when I have established a degree of financial stability for myself. I don’t have to be wealthy, but I help myself greatly by knowing that I can survive and be comfortable. If I don’t have this security, I may still have the time to catch up financially, or maybe I need to explore creative solutions—downsizing, community living, or participating in the new “sharing” economy.

Clarity about what we value

If I know what I value I will be able to focus my intentions, increasing my chances of creating what I want in my life. And if I know what I value, I will be able to pay attention—attend to—that which I have, instead of focusing on that which I don’t have.

Wisdom

Wisdom comes as a result of learning from my life experiences and then applying all that I have learned to my current circumstances. When I continue to live in the past—projecting outdated beliefs onto new people in my life—I recreate my old patterns. When I use my childhood limitations as an excuse not to step up to my potential as an adult—I am not learning, I am hiding. When I embody my wisdom I keep asking two questions:

What is an easier way?
How do I want to conduct myself in this situation?

Okay, now let’s explore the second reason why people may miss out on their sweet spot, which happens when they pull back from life and lose their mojo.

Lacking purpose

I believe that people pull back from life and lose their mojo, in part, because they have outdated ideas about aging. They think that turning sixty means their life is winding down. Often, they stop working, pull back, narrow their focus, and become preoccupied with physical limitations and ailments. But, even more disabling, they lose their sense of purpose. Whatever that sense of purpose came from—raising children, job promotions—it may be in the past, but that doesn’t mean that life is winding down.

We all make meaning of whatever happens in our lives. As we gain in wisdom we learn better ways to make meaning of whatever happens. Instead of making meaning that life is winding down in the “old adult” stage, I rely on the following simple model.

The first third of our lives is for learning, the second third for earning, and the final third for serving.

“Serving” has to do with making a contribution. Yes, raising the kids was a kind of contribution (depending on your kids), and maybe we made a contribution in our careers, but as “old adults” we have a unique capacity to make further contributions—especially if we fulfilled the foundational pieces spoken about earlier. If we have some degree of financial security, emotional maturity, clarity about what we value, and wisdom—we can have a meaningful impact on our small slice in this world.

So, what is your slice?

What do you care about? If you could make a difference, what difference would you choose to make? Find people who value what you have to offer. And, if people don’t value what you have to offer, ask yourself what you can do so that they will. There is still time, but none to waste talking about how you have no sense of purpose.

And a sense of purpose doesn’t have to be grandiose. It can be taking your meditation practice to a new depth, working with rescue dogs, or loving someone well. When my mother was eighty-nine-years old, and pretty much in constant pain, she volunteered at the local grade school to read books to young children. I remember in one of my last conversations with her she was saying, “I think I’m getting a sore throat and I just can’t get sick because I have to be at school to read to the kids on Tuesday.” She had a sense of usefulness, purpose, and belief that she was making a contribution.

If you are younger and wondering about how to accelerate the starting point of your sweet spot and make it as sweet as possible, you can do four things.

Individuate from your family of origin and/or your partner. Without doing this it’s unrealistic to develop emotional maturity.
Create a financial plan for your life.
Start a journal and write—write about the things you do to nourish yourself and write about the ways you exhaust yourself. Over time, this will help you recognize what you value.
Continually ask the question, “How would I like to conduct myself in this situation?”

If you are older and you want extend your sweet spot, or squeeze one in before you die, you can do two things.

Develop a meditation practice that focuses on two things. First, the practice should focus on not trying. This is necessary because you are at a stage of life in which it is no longer congruent to be “trying hard.” So learn what it feels like to not try. Second, the practice should focus on expanding the space that exists between the stimulus and the response. If you don’t know how to do this, let me know, and I’ll write about both of these ideas in a future article.
Identify the three things you would like to do before you are too old to do them. They should all be things that you believe will positively contribute to the world—be it one person or many. Then, do them.

Some of us will be fortunate to be serving until the day we die. This can continue well past the “old adult” stage of life. When Hannah and I met John and Joyce Weir, our mentors, they were eighty-five-years old, and still conducting workshops. But as they approached the end of their lives, when they no longer had the energy to serve, there was a final stage they entered—observing.

Learning, earning, serving . . . observing

John spoke to me about consciously observing himself in the process of dying. He seemed to find it just about as interesting as he found everything else in life. He had no resistance, only curiosity. He believed that even dying was an act of growth, if we do it consciously.

. . . If you’re in the sweet spot in your life, please leave a comment, sharing your experience with us. And if you have questions about finding your sweet spot, also, please feel free to comment and I’ll respond.

 

 

The post How To Find The Sweet Spot In Your Life appeared first on Reology.

What Is Reality?

“It is sometimes said that our image of reality is an illusion, but that is misleading. It may all be an appearance in the mind, but it is nonetheless real—the only reality we ever know. The illusion comes when we confuse the reality we experience with the physical reality, the thing-in-itself.”

Peter Russell

 

A day at a local hot springs

Occasionally my husband and I try to escape from the busy-ness of life by going to a local hot springs. During our last visit, while soaking in the soda pool, I began meditating on the water as it rippled and swirled in front of me. I noticed patterns of reflected light dancing on the surface of the water as the sun filtered through the fiberglass roof.

At one point, I surprised myself when I noticed the floor of the pool. It had an interesting pattern that I had never noticed before. It was lighter in color than I’d imagined it would be. It had lines extending the length of the pool that looked almost like metal strips dividing the concrete into sections. I wondered why they had constructed the floor in this way.

I felt the bottom with my feet. It didn’t feel the way it looked. I couldn’t feel the pattern I was seeing. Then I realized that I was actually seeing a reflection of the roof on the water. I wasn’t seeing the bottom of the pool at all. I had constructed something in my mind and had not doubted my perception, until I did.

Life is like that

Such is life. Everything I observe is just a reflection of my imagination and life experiences. I generally cannot see to the true bottom of anything. And much of what I am sure of—isn’t real at all—especially my perceptions of what other people are thinking and feeling. I am making up meaning all the time and believing what I perceive is real.

So, what’s the advantage of knowing this?

It helps to know that my “truths” come from my imagination. When I understand and remember that I’m making stuff up, then I’m less inclined to take myself and others too seriously.

When I’m aware that everything I think is a figment of my imagination, or at least, simply my own version of reality, I become less attached, less reactive and experience more equanimity in my life.

As a result, I don’t upset myself about much of anything. I don’t need to control anyone. I am free to make up any story that I want. So, I make up stories and meaning in ways that feel constructive and helpful.

I almost always have a choice as to how I feel every day and every moment. And to choose wisely, I need to let go of being attached to all the stuff I have no control over anyway.

Life and love can be easy

For the most part, this is how I live my life now. With the practice of Reology, and particularly with ReSpeak, I am constantly reminding myself that I am making up meaning all the time.

This way of being has helped me create a deeply respectful marriage—both of us understanding that we are two different people with different perceptions, different “realities.” No right—no wrong. He doesn’t have to see things exactly the way I do, nor do I have to see things the way he does. And we don’t have to control one another. We used to try, well, it’s my perception that he did, now we just love each other.

This allows us to live with more ease, humor and curiosity.

The post What Is Reality? appeared first on Reology.

Make Love Easy

Do you struggle at times to love your partner? Many people do. Some, because they’re with the wrong partner. But for many of us it’s because we never learned how to make love easy. One reason is that very few people actually believe love can be easy. We hear so much about relationships being hard work and challenging. As a result, often, that’s what we create.

Now, that’s not to say that just because you believe love can be easy it will be easy. There are certain skills, learnable skills that are necessary to make love easy, and I’ll get to those later in this article. In addition to believing that love can be easy, and developing the skills, there’s another key—it helps if you’re crazy about your partner.

Are you crazy about your partner?

Were you ever? Was that sparkle there back in the beginning? If so, maybe it can be rekindled.

Let’s begin by considering one of the obstacles to making love easy, which is that we live in a culture in which people spend endless hours asking “why” and trying to explain away behaviors that they don’t like—their own and their partners. The idea is that if I can explain why I behaved immaturely or inappropriately that makes it okay in some way, and with sufficient understanding I’ll stop behaving in those ways.

I was rude to you because the way you spoke to me reminds me of how my mother used to speak to me when she withheld her love.

I ignored you because you excluded me when we met those people at the concert last night. Being excluded triggers a response in me because that’s how my first husband treated me.

I wanted to come toward you and support you, but that’s not something people did in my family of origin so I’m not very good at it.

The thing about all of our explanations and interpretations is that the answers are made up. Sure, there may be some truth to them, but the path from cause to effect is seldom a straight line.

Two sons can be ashamed of their father because he never gets his life together. One son grows up to be a derelict and he blames his father. The other son grows up to be an admirable man because he took a vow not to turn out like his father.


A young woman is sexually abused and she grows up to believe she is damaged. Another young woman is sexually abused and she grows up feeling strong and proud because she is a survivor who can overcome anything.


One introvert uses being introverted as a reason why he can’t ask for the things he wants. Another introvert writes a book about the value of being an introvert and ends up giving a talk about it at a TED conference.

My point is that the events in our lives don’t have a singular meaning, yet we often attribute our current behaviors to past events. So here’s the question, “Do you have a choice?” Imagine someone offering you a lot of money to never be rude to your partner. Never again. Could you do it? Maybe not for $100, but what if you were offered a million dollars? Ten million dollars?

What does it take for you to stay awake and behave intentionally?

I remember spending some time with a foul-mouthed man who mostly spoke in four letter words. He was fired from one job because he cussed so much. But when his mother came to visit he only used one foul word during the entire weekend. That happened when it started to rain at the family picnic and he said, “This foul weather is ruining my picnic.”

To develop this kind of self-awareness and intentional behavior does not necessarily require understanding why I behave a certain way. The foul-mouthed fellow didn’t need to understand why he used foul language in order to stop, nor did he need to spend time examining his past, he simply chose to stop using it when his mother was present.

I’m not saying that we aren’t affected by our pasts, nor am I saying that there is never value in being self-reflective and trying to learn from our pasts. I’m saying that maybe we’ve gone too far and as I wrote about previously, maybe we’ve become self-indulgent.

Certainly, there is some value in attempting to understand our behaviors, and for some people this is more helpful than for others. But I’m skeptical that understanding alone solves my problems, and I’m concerned that doing this—searching for why—feeds the myth that there is a why, an identifiable answer. If my “answers” don’t result in a change in my behaviors then they are little more than excuses.

Try replacing explanations with declarations

I think that instead of explaining my misbehavior it’s more constructive to embrace the moment, establish clear intentions and wholeheartedly act upon them. When I do this I can transcend my history and even my habitual tendency to behave in certain ways.

So . . . if I want to make love easy, the first step is to believe it can be, and the second step is to stop using the past to justify my inappropriate behaviors today.

The idea that my past fully determines who I am today is a myth. There are four other myths that I encourage you to question if you want to learn to make love easy. They are:

Relating needs to be hard for people to grow.
Other people make us feel the way we do.
We can’t love another until we love ourselves.
Love is/should be unconditional.

None of the above are true. They are all made up ideas. If you believe them to be true the question to ask yourself is, “Do those beliefs serve me well?” In rare instances maybe one of these myths could be constructive, but in general, I think they are dysfunctional.

To make love easy, Hannah and I have adopted the following beliefs and actions. In this article I have spoken about the first one—believing that love can be easy. If you want to better understand the other six, I invite you to watch a replay of a recent webinar we presented. In the video Hannah and I go into detail about the following points.

The belief that love can be easy.
Anything can be discussed in two ways: immaturely or immaturely.
Treating a marriage/partnership as if it’s fragile makes it feel robust.
Accepting 100% responsibility for our own feelings and behaviors.
Having 4-5 clear agreements that reduce our anxiety.
Returning to NOW.
Turning toward one another instead of away from one another, even in times of stress.

The post Make Love Easy appeared first on Reology.

Make Love Easy

Click HERE to register for our free webinar















Are relationships hard work?

Not when you practice Reology. In the world we live in, romantic relationships are easy and nourishing. That doesn’t mean that we don’t put effort into our relationships—we do—but we do so without any resistance because the process we use eliminates most conflict, all aggression, and any form of disrespect. So, it’s easy. And as a bonus, we don’t spend a whole bunch of time processing “stuff.”

We’ll share with you a way to make love easy. It’s not complicated. Here are the keys:

Expect your relationship to be easy.
Treat your partner like they’re your best friend.
Hold high expectations of each another.
Have clear intentions and simple agreements.
Stay present as much as possible.
Turn toward each another in times of trouble.

Relationships are hard when:
1. You expect them to be hard.

It seems to be a common belief nowadays that romantic relationships are hard work. Many people tell us how challenging it is to be with their partner, but they frame this as a good thing, explaining, “My partner really pushes my buttons which provides an opportunity for me to grow.”

We don’t buy into that belief system. First of all, we don’t think other people push our buttons. That whole notion reinforces the idea of a victim and a bully. And except in rare situations we don’t think adults are victims.

Second, life has plenty of challenges. They’ll be no shortage of challenges that spur our growth—emotionally and spiritually. We believe people grow more when they feel safe and nourished, not when they feel threatened and judged.

2. You’re with the wrong person.

When we say the “wrong” person, what we mean is that your partner may be wrong for you. We encourage people to evaluate their partnerships by seeing how compatible you and your partner are in four areas:

Chemistry
Styles
Values
Dreams

It’s extremely helpful to evaluate compatibility when you’re dating because you can avoid wasting time with the “wrong” person. Once you’re involved in a relationship, of course it’s more difficult to walk away even if you lack compatibility. But it’s really worth assessing this question of compatibility. Some aspects of the way you relate can be adjusted, others can’t. So figure out what’s what.

Part of the solution

If you and your partner are reasonably compatible—but relating with one another isn’t easy—maybe your problem is you lack a model of what healthy romantic partnerships look like. We mentioned a few keys above, but also consider the following. . .

1. It really helps to like your partner.

We know this sounds obvious. But you’d be surprised how often couples get to a point when they no longer like each other—maybe because of too much wear and tear, too many times feeling judged, criticized and not appreciated.

2. It’s essential to believe that your partner is fundamentally an honest person.

If you don’t believe that your partner is honest you have no foundation to build upon. Too often we hear couples argue about what happened, who said what, who did what. We think this is a terrible waste of time. If you believe your partner is honest, accept what they say. Period! We know that’s hard to do for some people, but if you learn to use ReSpeak, trusting your partner becomes much easier.

3. It’s necessary to be willing to walk away.

If your relationship is not satisfying your deepest needs and desires, and you keep hanging in there, you’re sending the message, “I’ll settle for this.” Sending that message while asking for more is confusing. So it’s important to become clear about what you want out of your partnership. What’s essential to you? Once you know that, extend an attractive invitation to your partner and see how they respond.

 Come join us this Saturday for a conversation on relationships:

If you want to join our interactive webinar—

Saturday, November 7th, 2015—just click this link to register.

The program will be 60-90 minutes long and we expect it to be both informative and fun.

 

The post Make Love Easy appeared first on Reology.