Jake Eagle's Blog, page 18

How To Love — another perspective

Learning To Love Better.

How can we learn to love better? How do we make our intimate relationships feel like a haven, be deeper and more meaningful?

To a great degree, we can do this by learning to speak to each other in a different way. If we can truly begin to communicate with our loved ones—with the kindness and honesty that we would appreciate receiving—we can create relationships that we enjoy most of the time—ones we’ll want to grow old with.

Why Do We Hurt Each Other?

Generally, it’s in our most intimate relationships that our deepest insecurities can arise. And so, it’s often those we love the most who suffer the worst effects of our insecurities. But when differences pop up—which stimulate our insecurities— what if we could just disagree without being offended or taking it personally? That’s a lot to ask of ourselves, isn’t it?

Can we give each other the freedom to be ourselves, not a carbon copy of each other—let you be you and me be me?  We can, if we learn to be more responsible for our own feelings and realize that our partner is not responsible for our feelings. When our partner disagrees with us they are not telling us about us, they’re telling us about them. Once we realize that, we’re better able not to take their comments personally.

Cultivating a Sense of Humor Helps Us Learn How To Love Better

One thing that helps is to be curious and even find humor where we once might have taken offense. We can begin to chuckle at ourselves, and even learn something from another’s perspective, rather than feel threatened because their view is different from our own.

We Used To Fight

Early in our relationship, Jake and I were more reactive in our relating—that means we fought! When feeling insecure, we would take offense when none was intended. We would either fight to be right or turn away from each other and withdraw for hours.

Now that we’ve learned to not only accept our differences but love (most of) our differences—we don’t have to see the world in the same way—we’ve stopped fighting to be right or make the other person wrong. We’ve become much more accepting of ourselves and each other. As a consequence we’ve learned how to love each other better.

A Very Different Paradigm From The One We Grew Up With

Those things that we used to take offense at are now commonly things that bring laughter into our relating . . . we see how different we are while appreciating our uniqueness. This skill is not something innate to our species, nor are we taught how to relate in this way when we are growing up.

This is the nuts and bolts of Reology, which teaches a way to communicate consciously . . . using language in a way that helps us take responsibility for our perceptions and encourages us to stop fighting over different perspectives. We don’t have to view the world in the same way.

Reology shows us how to do no harm when speaking to anyone, and allows us to leave a healthy emotional footprint in the wake of all our relating with the ones we love. When I communicate this way, I am being the partner I would want to be with.

If you are single or coupled and want to learn how to create a nurturing relationship and feel more secure, you will actually change your life and your ability to love by attending a Reology retreat. Reology teaches us how to love.

 

 

 

 

 

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How To Love

It can be easy

I want to share with you part of a recent therapy session I conducted. The work I did is counter-intuitive in many ways. It connects to a previous article I wrote, Love or Fear. So much of therapy is based on minimizing people’s fears, and although at times this is necessary and appropriate, I think therapists should look for the opportunity to promote love when they can. Reminding people how to love is one of the best parts of my job.

The couple who came to see me were in their sixties and seventies. They’ve been together many years and now she is choosing to spend part of every year back in her native country in Europe. This means they will be apart for two or three months at a time. The husband wasn’t happy about this. At first, he worried that his wife’s decision was a reflection on him. But it’s not. All you need to do is be in the same room with both of them to see how deep her love is for him.

The next issue for the husband was that his wife’s decision to spend time in her homeland reminded him of women from his past, women who used him to stabilize their lives and then they left him. I pointed out that putting his wife in this category with other women was a bit disrespectful. She is not those women and he is not that man from years ago.

Finally, he explained that he felt like she was doing something to him. But, she’s not doing something to him; she’s simply honoring herself. It may be important to know that she invited him to come with her for as much time as he chooses to be with her. I pointed out to him the danger of him acting like she is doing something to him because by doing so he is victimizing himself. If he victimizes himself he will likely result in feeling justified to be being angry at her and then treat her poorly.

Maybe we don’t need to explore our feelings

A traditional therapeutic approach would be to tackle all of the above by delving deeply into what is going on and exploring what is behind their feelings. Why does he think her actions are about him? Does this remind him of other times in his life when people have rejected him or pushed him away? What unfinished business does he have with women from the past? How can he resolve those old feelings? How can he best express those feelings? Why does he give away his power to women? What does he need from her to feel reassured of her love? All of these would be reasonable avenues to pursue.

I chose not to pursue any of them.

Instead I made a few observations and suggestions.

First, to the husband, I pointed out that his wife’s decision wasn’t about him, it’s about her. Just listen to her and you will hear the need and desire she has to return to her homeland. I pointed out that his wife is not like any other woman he’s ever been with and if he wants to know if she is using him as a stepping-stone he should ask her. He asked. She said “no.” I was convinced, so was he. Finally, I pointed out his wife is not doing anything to him and if he victimizes himself he will damage the relationship.

I told him the mistake he is making is in trying to protect himself. To protect himself he is pulling back from his wife, turning away from her. This is the wrong strategy. He would help himself and heal himself by loving her more fully and turning toward her. He immediately recognized the truth in what I was suggesting. And he’s capable of turning toward her—which he demonstrated in the moment.

Then I spoke to her. I suggested that she stop trying to explain to her husband why she needs to go to her homeland. I said, “every time you try to explain yourself you are validating his fears, acting as if they need to be answered, acting as if you need to justify your actions. Instead, just love him, reassure him you love him, and let him know what you need to do to honor yourself.” She was speechless for a long time . . . a very long time. The transformation occurred in the silence. She felt seen. She reconnected with herself.

Later, as we were wrapping up our session she said, “I knew it was wrong to try and explain myself.” She was right about that.

A typical mistake in conventional therapy

Yet, so much conventional therapy endeavors to help people try to explain themselves, as if they need to justify who they are. My sense is that when we are less aware of ourselves, less in touch, less clear—we do need to spend time explaining ourselves, partially as a way to figure ourselves out. But as we become wiser, more mature, clearer—explaining ourselves is retreating instead of moving forward.

Why can’t she just say, “I love you, I want you in my life, and I need to spend more time in my homeland. I’ll miss you when I’m gone and you can be with me as much as you choose to. This is something I need to do now.” And then he can step toward her, loving her—even loving her need to spend time in her homeland—and they will grow more deeply because they are loving their differences while honoring themselves.

You might think that she is honoring herself, but what about him? How is he honoring himself? He is doing so by loving his wife well and not treating her like she is one of the women he used to date and not victimizing himself when he experiences his own insecurities. Instead of exploring and giving voice to his past, saying, “I need to express my fears,” I suggested he step directly into his love. Right here and right now.

p.s.

Please do not misinterpret the point I’m making in this article. I am not saying that if the wife were to say, “I need to go have a love affair” that this would in any way be similar to saying, “I need to spend some time apart from you.” For most couples, having an affair would violate something sacred between the two people. Whereas, the wife spending time in her homeland, and offering her husband a chance to be with her is something she needs to do for herself without violating any sacred agreements.

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How To Liberate Yourself

The ReDo.

We launched our new website a week ago and we’ve been inundated with questions about the “ReDo.” So we’ll tell you a bit more about this powerful principle, behavioral tool, and way to liberate yourself.

How does a ReDo work, why is a ReDo possible and what does all this mean?

How does a Redo work?

Only human beings can ReDo themselves. We can stop and pause, then in that precious space between the stimulus and the response, we can re-consider our behaviors, ideas, and attitudes. We can make internal adjustments—re-calibrating ourselves—and then we can ReDo ourselves, behaving in ways that we feel good about.

This is quite amazing when you think about it. We don’t have to be stuck inside of our misstatements or momentary lapses. When we make mistakes, we can liberate ourselves, instead of shaming ourselves. Of course this depends on the magnitude of our mistakes, but for most of them we can opt for a ReDo.

Why is a ReDo possible?

Because the meaning of everything is made up. It’s all subjective, open to interpretation. What’s warm to an Eskimo is cold to a Hawaiian. There’s a Zen poem that says, “To her lover, a beautiful woman is a delight; to an ascetic, a distraction; to a wolf, a good meal.”

At times we may interpret things in one-way and other times we interpret—or re-interpret—the same thing in a completely different way. Do you remember dating someone who slurped their soup and you thought it was cute. A year later the same noise was irritating as nails on a blackboard. Or, the first time you heard the soup slurp you wondered why this person lacked etiquette, now, after being married for twenty-five-years you’ve come to love the very same sound that s/he makes.

Many things influence how we make meaning, but few things influence us more than fear. When our survival system is aroused we interpret things through a different neurological set of filters. Our range of interpretations and responses are dramatically narrowed when we feel under threat. Basically, our responses are limited to fighting, fleeing, or freezing.

But not after we learn the ReDo. The ReDo broadens our range of interpretations and responses. We increase our behavioral flexibility. Of course, this isn’t the case if a tiger is chasing us—but when’s the last time you were chased by a tiger? A more interesting question—when’s the last time you responded as if you were being chased by a tiger? Most of us are incredibly safe 99.9% of the time, but we don’t act like it. If you start using the ReDo you will calm your survival system and begin to have more choices in your life.

What does a ReDo mean?

It means that we can open the space between the stimulus and the response. We can buy ourselves more time to re-consider, re-lease anxiety and fear, and re-right ourselves so that when we speak we are expressing ourselves from a higher place, a more mature place, a more thoughtful and caring place.

If we embrace the ReDo we are embracing one of the greatest gifts of being human—our ability to make meaning and make choices so that we re-create our lives as we wish them to be.

 

 

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What Do You Think Of Our New Site?

We’ve cracked the human emotional/maturity code!

The model that we teach and share with people was originally developed more than fifty years ago. At first it was called Percept Language, which was developed by John and Joyce Weir, our mentors. Today, we are introducing a new evolution of this work: Reology. And the language we teach will now be called ReSpeak. With our new emphasis on the prefix RE we are doing several significant things that will make this work stickier and more digestible—easier to remember and use.

The two most significant changes

RE becomes a mnemonic device, which is a learning technique that aids us in remembering what we learn. Mnemonics aim to translate information into a form that the human brain can retain better than its original form. After spending a week in one of our Reology Retreats, every time you use a RE word, you will realize you have a choice in how you conduct yourself.
The REDO. This may be the most exciting new development, the freedom to Redo ourselves any time we are less than pleased with our own behavior. And if we are with a partner who understands this model, we can invite them to Redo themselves when their behavior makes it hard for us to understand or appreciate them.

Please write a comment (below) sharing with us your thoughts and reactions to our new site and new presentation:

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How To Meditate

Our way to practice is one step at a time, one breath at a time.

                                                                                                Shunryu Suzuki

 

For many years I attended week-long meditation retreats.  After each retreat I would return home and practice diligently for a while and then my commitment to the practice would fade. My meditation cushion would begin to collect dust in the corner as I devoted less and less time to sitting on it.

I knew fairly well how to meditate, and taking only 20 to 30 minutes out of my day did not seem like too much to dedicate to each day. Yet, unless I scheduled this first thing in the morning, my daily meditation became less and less frequent.

After a while I began looking for how to meditate in a way that I could be meditating throughout most of my day, even while, perhaps, I was accomplishing something!

In 1984, Rick Fields wrote a book called Chop Wood Carry Water. He wrote about how we could make every day activities a part of our spiritual path.  I bought the book in 84, but never gave it the attention it deserved until many years later when I realized, this was a core piece of what I was looking for.

Since then I have begun to practice a practical, yet profound form of meditation, which allows me to spend more time in the present moment throughout my whole day.

What I call a “Meditation of the Senses” is the practice of being impeccably focused on everything that I am experiencing/doing—through my sensory system—as I move myself through the ordinary and un-ordinary activities of my day. I take notice of everything that presents itself to my senses. It could be simply feeling my breath or my movement through space, the breeze or the sun’s warmth on my skin.

Right now it is my fingers manipulating the keys of my computer, feeling my bottom on the chair cushion and my cat rubbing against my leg under my desk. I am hearing the bird outside my window chirping, feeling my movement to the window as I get myself up to see the bird, then noticing the purple flowers with yellow and black butterflies.

When I shower, I fully experience everything about my shower—not lost in my head in thoughts about what comes next, but feeling the water massaging my skin, seeing the water drops creating design on the glass shower door.

While Sensing, I have my attention on my entire experience of the world at this moment. And as I begin to really connect, I notice my breath slowing down. I become much more present throughout my entire day. I end up ‘making the most’ of my day instead of having this be another day that goes by unnoticed. For me, that’s how to meditate!

I hear a dog bark outside my door, I move myself out of my chair. I feel my bare feet touching the floor and my body moving through space. I reach out, grab the doorknob, feel the coolness and shape of the knob in my hand, notice what my hand does to turn the knob and pull the door open. I smell the freshness of the air rushing in. I see my neighbor’s dog, Ghost, who has come to visit, notice the smile on her face, her hair shining in the sun, her expectant eyes meeting mine, and I say “Hello Ghost, I delight myself to see you.”

This practice is woven into each of our Reology Retreats. I hope some day we will be sensing the world together in some remarkably beautiful venue.

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Happier World

  Can You Redo Yourself?

This morning while driving our grandson to school, his mother called him on his iPhone. (I don’t think 12-year-olds should have iPhones, but his father bought it for him and his parents are divorced—and well—you can imagine the rest.)

At least he uses the speaker phone so not to expose his head to damaging cell-phone radiation—which is why I was able to overhear his conversation when his mom called.

His mom was out of town on a design job and checking in with her normal chipper, “Good Morning!” He had been happy and connecting with me since he woke up, as well as on the drive to school, so his morose mono syllabic response to his mom seemed odd and unwarranted.  I assumed he wants her to think that he is suffering because she is gone for a couple of days.

After he finished his call, I shared my observation, asking him if he was aware that he sounded unhappy to hear from her. He said, “No.” I asked, “Are you mad at her for going away?”

Alexander: “No, she needs to make money and she enjoys getting away.”

Me: “You know, she is not perfect, but she is one of the best moms I know.”

Alexander: “I know. She takes really good care of me.”

Me: “From the way you were talking, if I were your mom, I would have no idea that you feel that way. I don’t think she would get the message that you love and appreciate her. I think it’s important to treat your mom well because that will likely be the way you will treat women when you get older.”

Alexander:  sits quietly.

Me: “Grandpa and I teach people how to ‘redo’ themselves. Did you know you can ‘redo’ yourself.”

Alexander: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, you can. Anyone can. When we say or do something that we don’t like, we actually get to do ourselves over. It’s really very cool. And then we can feel good about ourselves for doing so.”

Alexander: sits quietly.

I hear him dialing a number on his phone.

Alexander: Exuberantly….”Hi Mom,” as though they had not spoken just 3 minutes ago. “How are you?”

I can hear her respond with the same exuberance but sounding a little astonished.

Alexander: sits silently.

Me: “Do you want to tell her anything else?”

Alexander: “Mom, I love you and I miss you.”

We are pulling up to the drop off area at his school. He says goodbye to his mom and gets out of the car. I perceive he is definitely feeling better about himself. He has a smile on his face. Wishes me a great day, grabs his backpack and closes the door.

I hope he will remember this redo. I wish everyone knew how to redo themselves. I believe this is a powerful, yet simple, step we can take to create a happier world.

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