Jake Eagle's Blog, page 4

How To Get Through The Tough Times

I was talking with a friend recently, and he was sharing with me some of the ways he was struggling, trying to figure out how to help his adult daughter who is going through some hard times. I related to his struggles because Hannah and I have been worried about our adult daughter, although she is doing really well right now; just three months ago she hit bottom, and we were very aware that there was only so much we could do to help her.

Then my friend started to talk about various physical challenges he’s been dealing with, and it turned out my list was longer. These physical challenges are part of life, and regrettably, they seem more frequent as we age. My friend is probably going to have to use antibiotics to arrest an infection, and I’m probably going to need one or more root canals to resolve some dental issues I’ve been having.

These kind of challenges—seeing loved ones struggle, dealing with physical malfunctions of our bodies—are not necessarily the result of negligence or foolishness. We can’t control how our loved ones choose to live, and we can’t control completely the process of aging. We can do a lot to take care of ourselves, and my friend and I are both very conscientious about doing so, yet bodies are not invulnerable.

What helps you get through the tough times?

So, we asked the question, “what helps us the most when we encounter tough times?” We identified two characteristics that we rely upon to get through tough times: hope and personal conduct. I’ll say a little about each of these, which in my mind are very different, yet related.

By “personal conduct,” I mean, how I conduct myself. This is the primary measuring stick that I use in my life. Regardless of what’s going on, or how things turn out in any situation, I focus on my conduct. If I conduct myself well, I feel good and proud—maybe even thrilled. I especially thrill myself when I conduct myself well in difficult circumstances. (If you don’t understand the reference to feeling “thrilled,” you might want to read this article.)

One of the reasons I like focusing on “personal conduct,” is that the qualities or traits that help me the most will vary from situation to situation. In some situations humor is what’s most helpful, in other situations, maybe what’s needed is compassion. Personal conduct is an umbrella that includes many characteristics. When I pay attention, listen, contextualize what’s going on, and ask, “What’s appropriate in this situation?”  I can decide how to conduct myself best. Asking that question is one of the ways I wake myself up.

Three kinds of hope

For me, “hope” is tricker to embody. When I have hope, the world is a different place, full of possibility and promise. But, at times, hope seems elusive. That’s why I like how one of the world’s leading researchers on hope, Dr. Shane Lopez, explored the topic. He developed a simple “quiz” for students in his classes. He would say, “On the count of three, please point to where YOUR hope comes from. Given your background and all of your life experiences, where do you think hope originates . . . in your head—that thinking part of you . . . in your heart—the feelings that move you . . . or from the holy (his hand makes circles above his head)—whatever you find sacred?”

I don’t think that there is a “right” answer to the quiz, but I intrigue myself with how the quiz relates to the model Hannah and I’ve been developing for the past couple of years. Our model is based on three different levels of consciousness: safety, heart, and spaciousness. I envision overlaying Shane Lopez’s head-heart-holy model on the three levels of consciousness. Head-hope relates to safety consciousness, heart-hope relates to heart consciousness, and holy-hope relates to spacious consciousness.

Most of my life I created hope by thinking my way there; this is what Shane Lopez refers to as head-hope. As I’ve aged and faced certain challenges like I mentioned earlier—loved ones struggling and aging bodies—I find it harder to think my way to hope. Maybe I know too much, have seen too much to rely only on thinking my way to hope.

More recently, I’ve accessed heart-hope by learning to shift my level of consciousness from safety to heart. In safety consciousness, I’m focused on being productive and doing things to help me feel more secure. In heart consciousness, I’m focused on all the people and things that I value and appreciate. In heart consciousness, I find it easier to access hope because this is where love and gratitude reside. When I truly connect with love and gratitude, I feel hopeful. And it isn’t hope based on results or outcomes—things going well, me feeling better. It’s hope in the power of love. Hope that when I can’t control the outcome, love will be enough. Hope that when I lose those I love, my love will endure and sustain me.

In situations, like with my daughter, in which I don’t control the outcome, I can create hope by loving her, and loving her mom. I can engage with my daughter with an open heart. What if that’s all I can do—show up with an open heart and love people? Will that be enough? I hope so.

Is hope enough?

Is hope alone enough? I don’t know. For me, there is great value in combining personal conduct and hope. I rely on personal conduct—which for me means managing myself well in safety consciousness—as a bridge that helps me get to heart consciousness. Managing myself well in safety consciousness includes making the time to meditate every day, if even for just a few minutes, setting clear boundaries with other people, setting realistic expectations for myself, speaking as if words matter, redoing myself as quickly as possible when I behave in ways I don’t feel good about and minimizing unnecessary distractions in my life.

And if head-hope and heart-hope aren’t enough, there’s always the addition of holy-hope, which is what I access when I enter the state of spacious consciousness. I find my way into spacious consciousness through meditation. It’s a non-verbal experience, which makes it hard to explain in words. Spacious consciousness is non-verbal and timeless. It is a state of pure awareness without labels or judgments, highly expansive. In this state of non-attachment, I no longer care about things I once thought important, and curiously, this makes me hopeful.

Out of appreciation for the work Shane Lopez did on the subject of hope, I’ll close with his words, “Hope is created moment by moment through our deliberate choices. It happens when we use our thoughts and feelings to temper our aversion to loss and actively pursue what is possible.”

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A New Kind of Saloon To Soothe Anxiety

I broke my heart a little when I read and helped edit Jake’s last blog post about this upcoming retreat in Playa Viva being the last Live Conscious Lab for the foreseeable future. I inspired myself to write this article, in which I use the word “saloon” as part of the title because for me that was my solution for years to my problems. Since I began attending labs in 2013, I’ve found a new elixir to soothe my anxiety and help me with what I perceive to be my problems.

What I got when I started going to labs was nothing short of a transformation of perception. And not only did my perception of the world change, my relationship to everything changed. My relationship to my past which used to haunt me, my relationship with my family which was corrosive and my relationship with myself which was unloving—all of that changed because of what I learned and continue to practice from attending a Live Conscious Lab.

The difference between an elixir and a cocktail

The elixir is made of several parts—much like a complicated bar drink that is guaranteed to change feelings, desires, hopes, behaviors, outlooks and beliefs. Back in my saloon days, a few drinks would cause a huge alteration in all of those aspects of my life, until the next morning. The difference between an elixir and a cocktail is vast. When I drink the elixir, I wake myself up, by shifting my perception and practicing new skills and I don’t need to drink again the next day. But I do have a part to play in maintaining my new perceptions and relationships, and that is the other gift of a lab—I not only get the elixir, I learn how to maintain its effects.

Here are the parts:

1 Part Responsibility: I take complete responsibility for myself. I do this by learning a new language at the labs—a language which invites me to take full responsibility for my feelings, actions, reactions, and state of being.

1 Part No Praise No Blame: As I take responsibility I stop blaming my family, history, the current political mess, Global Warming, my inconsistent work and my cat for my state of being. Nor do I praise anyone, including me or expect anyone to save me. It’s my life now, how do I want to live?

3 Parts Conscious Elevation: I learn about different levels or degrees of consciousness and I practice moving fluidly through all of them—this ability allows me to make choices about how I respond, relate, and communicate with myself, my fellow humans, other living beings and the planet.

4 Parts Giving Back: I am so very aware at this stage in my life that what I really want to do is make a difference—give back, create more peace, love more, help more, be of service, leave a lasting footprint I am proud of and clean up any messes that I’ve left undone.

1 Part Humility: Being aware that my tiniest of actions is helpful and does make a difference. When I am kind to the ticket taker at the subway, smile at passersby, make eye contact with as many people as possible, and when I am kind to myself, I create an energetic force around me that draws people, animals and yes, even plants to me, and we heal. We heal ourselves, we create love that others use to heal themselves and we can and must find a way to heal this beautiful earth of ours who for so long has suffered our disrespect.

If you mix all these ingredients, bake for 8 days at 80 degrees on a beach in Mexico, you end up with something that will not only change your life, but change the world around you. Click here to learn more.

I was born in the ’50s, I have seen some amazing changes take place in my life. I was protesting the Viet Nam War before I was menstruating, and I have voted in every election since I was 18. And now I vote as a dual citizen in Canada and the US. But it is not enough. My protesting and my voting are actions toward change, yet I now experience a deeper sense of purpose and a higher calling, and I know I am not alone. If you want to give back, contribute to our global harmony and evolution, and learn to love more deeply, join me in Playa Viva, for one last shot at the LC Saloon.

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The Secret To Great Relationships

Today, Hannah and I fought. Maybe I exaggerate a bit, but for us, it was a fight. It lasted about ten minutes. We were walking around in our partially constructed new home, and the scene went more or less like this:

Jake, “I’m frustrating myself with people who join our conference calls, and they don’t reciprocate by donating. And it’s not because they can’t afford to. I’ve made it clear they can donate whatever they can afford, and those who can’t afford anything can send me a poem or some expression of appreciation.”

Hannah, “And you’re making up a story that makes you unhappy, so why don’t you make up a different story? Why don’t you focus on the people who wrote those beautiful emails talking about how much they helped themselves with the group calls?”

Jake, “Yup, I could do that.”

Hannah, “Well, why don’t you? It’s a good chance to practice what we teach.”

Jake, “Never mind.”

Hannah, “I don’t understand what’s going on right now. I’m suggesting you do what you’re teaching people to do—notice the stories they make up and change them, focus on the bigger picture. There is so much to appreciate. So why are you saying ‘never mind’”?

Jake, “Because you’re jumping ahead of me. I don’t feel like you understand. I want people to value this work—the courses and the conference calls—so much that they make it a priority. If they don’t, then I start questioning if it’s worth teaching. And if I’m not teaching this material that I love so much, and engaging with people in deep conversation—then I have no idea what I’m doing. And that’s what this is about for me, what will I do in the future.”

Hannah, “I get it. I understand this uncertainty about your future and your identity is a big question for you. You’ve been wrestling with this since we moved.” (Bingo)

Jake, “I have. And I believe it’s a big question I’m asking, one that’s worth answering. As we age, it becomes more difficult to hold onto our old identities, but that’s what we seem to do instinctively. And I suspect that the answer lies in the opposite direction, which is becoming comfortable with letting go of our identities.”

Hannah, “I want to remind you that if you look at the big picture of your life—like you teach people to do in the ‘canvas meditation’— and you stay connected to the wonder of being alive, you’ll be better able to answer the questions that seem unanswerable when you get too intense.”

Jake, “Right again, aren’t you? I think this constitutes our first fight in our new home, so what do you say we go and makeup. . . “

End of scene

I’m sharing this interaction with you because I want you to notice the shift that occurred right where I inserted the word “Bingo.” It was at that moment that I stopped resisting Hannah. Why? Because I felt witnessed—seen, understood. Being witnessed is different than feeling validated. I never felt like Hannah agreed with me, or that she thought my circumstances justified my mood, but I did feel like she understood that the question I was wrestling with is a big deal to me. As soon as I felt that, I relaxed.

In safety consciousness we measure ourselves

So here’s what happened to me, I was in safety consciousness, measuring myself based on how many people made donations. Not enough donations and I started to question if other people valued my work. I created a story around this. I told myself that if people don’t appreciate my work, why bother to teach it? And if I don’t teach it, then I don’t know what to do for the next twenty years. That’s the story I was making while being in safety consciousness.

While I was in safety, Hannah was in heart-consciousness, and she invited me to join her by suggesting that I could change the story I was telling myself. She encouraged me to focus on the positive aspects of my experience. But I couldn’t, or I wouldn’t. I wanted or needed to be met where I was.

So, how do you meet someone where they are without commiserating with them? In this case, it was as simple as saying, “I understand what you’re telling me, that you’re struggling with what to you feels like a big question about your identity.” (Bingo)

This demonstrates the profound effect of witnessing. As soon as I feel witnessed, my nervous system calms down. It’s a gift you can give your partner, children, or friends.

Why we need to be witnessed

My theory about this is that our need to be witnessed is a survival mechanism that resides in safety consciousness. Imagine if I come running into your house and I yell, “The house is on fire!” You respond by asking, “What’s for dinner?” This will make me crazy because I need to know that you hear me and understand what I’m saying. Our survival could be at stake.

Another reason why being witnessed is so soothing, is that when we are witnessed, we don’t feel alone. As social animals, to feel secure, we need to connect. Being witnessed is one way to connect.

Before Hannah witnessed me, I was in safety consciousness, and she was in heart consciousness. There was tension. After she witnessed me, I was still in safety consciousness, but the stress was gone. It was replaced with something called “resonance.”

When two systems (such as your nervous system and another’s nervous system) vibrate at the same rate—they are in sync, on the same wavelength—they resonate.

After Hannah witnessed me, we resonated, and then she invited me to have a higher-level conversation and this time I accepted. What happened? She “entrained” me.

When one system (Hannah’s nervous system) vibrates at a higher frequency than another person’s nervous system (mine, in this case), the person in the higher frequency (heart consciousness) can invite the other person to join them, to vibrate at the higher frequency, and this is called entraining.

There are times when we might invite someone to have a higher-level conversation (heart consciousness), and they will join us. There are other times when they will resist. If they resist, we need to take a moment or two to witness them where they are, until we resonate.

Some people, in some situations, need to be met where they are before they move. When I’m stuck in safety consciousness, there are times when I must feel understood by Hannah before I can hear her or make sense of what she’s trying to tell me.

We’ve all experienced this on our own—in relationship to ourselves. We have some feeling that we’re ignoring, something niggling away at us, but we push it aside. We distract ourselves. It doesn’t go away. Then, at some point we acknowledge how we feel, verbally or non-verbally—we witness ourselves—and as soon as we do so, we feel better, more present. We are in resonance with ourselves.

And, we’ve all had the experience of resonating with another person. We can resonate with another person in safety consciousness or heart consciousness. To resonate means we are on the same wavelength, regardless of what that wavelength is.

Beyond resonance . . .

Resonating with another person is one thing, entraining them is another. This is something Hannah and I are teaching people to do. We can do this individually, or we can do it as a group. When a group of people—about twenty people is the ideal size—are collectively entraining each other, a whole new world of possibilities opens up.

I want you to imagine being entrained by twenty people all at once, all day long, for eight days—while also playing your role entraining those other people. That’s what happens at the retreats we conduct, and we are holding another one, probably our last one, in February 2019.

Many people who read our articles and books, or who have attended the Thrilled To Be Alive course say, “Someday I’d like to go on one of your retreats.” Well, if you want to, now may be your last chance. We don’t know what we’ll be doing in the future, but we have no plans to offer more retreats like the ones we’ve been providing.

We sadden and excite ourselves with this prospect. We inherited a brilliant model from our mentors, John and Joyce Weir, and we want this model to live on. At this stage in our lives, we’re not quite sure how to breathe more life into this work. Part of the challenge is that with the internet there are lots of courses and self-help programs out there, but there’s nothing quite like this model that we’ve been stewarding for the past twenty years.

Our retreats have an invisible element built into the design that results in participants being witnessed and entrained. And it all happens organically, without thinking about it—and that’s key because thinking about this can result in people down-shifting into safety consciousness.

Do you know the power of having one person who genuinely sees you while holding your potential in their heart? Well, we’re inviting you to experience having twenty people hold your potential in their hearts for eight days in a row, hour after hour—and do it in paradise. I’m talking about our next retreat, in Mexico.

Being witnessed, resonating, learning to entrain and be entrained, all of these are why people end the retreat in love with themselves and with the other people in the group.

The Thrilled To Be Alive courses I’ve been teaching are contributing to people living their lives at a higher consciousness. But even those practitioners don’t realize how far they can take this, because they live within the chaotic buzz of our fast-paced, multi-tasking culture.

The greatest challenge I have working with people is countering the effects of the culture we live in—too fast, busy, overwhelming, and vibrating at too low a level. When we go on these retreats, we escape all those pressures and limitations. We access new levels and learn multiple skills while being part of a supportive community. We become more adept at maintaining a higher level of consciousness.

Beyond self . . .

In so doing, we create substantial change in our lives and in the lives of those we come in contact with. And this is where I resonate with Gandhi’s words, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”

As a result of Hannah witnessing me, resonating with me, and entraining me . . . I am a different man. And I’ve gotta run now because Hannah has been waiting to makeup after our “fight.”

The deadline to apply for our last retreat is December 7th.

 

(If you enjoy my articles, please know that they are edited by Katharine Rivers—a freelance editor. If you want her contact info, I’m happy to provide it.)

 

 

 

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How To Take Your Relationships Up A Notch Using Heart Consciousness

Have you ever noticed that some of the most profound things in life are simple? In this article, I will introduce you to a simple way to improve your relationships. It’s simple and profound.

Ask for what you want

If you want to connect with your partner, child, parent, or friend in a healthy way, ask for what you want instead of complaining about what you didn’t get. Most of us complain about what we didn’t get, or we complain about what we got that we didn’t like.

“I don’t like your tone of voice.”

“You haven’t been very affectionate lately.”

“You don’t take the time to understand my point of view.”

“No matter what I do it doesn’t seem like enough for you.”

Instead of complaining, why not express what you want?

“I would really appreciate it if you would try to use a softer tone of voice with me.”

“I would love it if you were more affectionate with me because I enjoy connecting with you.”

“I want you to try and understand something from my point of view.”

“I want you to let me know when you feel satisfied with me.”

Simple. Clear. And I’m not giving the other person any reason to be defensive or step back.

Two different levels of communication

The next point is to realize that I can make any request from safety consciousness or heart consciousness. If you aren’t familiar with these terms, you may want to read my previous article. But here’s the short story. When I am in safety consciousness, I’m focused on protecting myself, or my agenda—doing things with an intention to make myself feel more secure. When I’m in safety consciousness, the other person is more likely to hear my requests as demands, threats or ultimatums.

When I’m in heart consciousness I’m focused on appreciating my life, loved ones, and the sweet innocence of vulnerability. I’m feeling open and available to connect. What I am offering is an invitation, not a demand.

In the 21-day Thrilled To Be Alive course that I’m teaching, one participant asked recently, “How can we remain in heart consciousness while still creating boundaries of acceptable behaviors?”

My answer is that when I’m truly in heart consciousness, my requests are received very differently than when I’m in safety consciousness. In heart consciousness, my intention is not to change or control the other person, but to reveal myself. Then I allow the other person to respond to my invitations, not my demands. The choice is theirs.

In response to my answer, the participant in my Thrilled To Be Alive class said, “I resonate with the notion of acting in heart consciousness and allowing someone to meet you there or not—that freedom of choice. What if they choose not?”

An example of safety consciousness

This is a beautiful example because if you step back and listen, you may hear that the question being asked is coming from safety consciousness. “What if they choose not?” This question leads to hallucinations about something in the future that might or might not happen. When I am concerned about what might or might not happen, I’m in safety consciousness—not in the present.

If I ask my partner for what I want, and I do so from heart consciousness, I am not worried about their response. And my delivery will feel very different, less likely to produce defensiveness or resistance.

As to the question, “What if they choose not?”—in other words, what if they reject my request, then my partner and I have arrived at a deeper truth. Maybe that truth is that we want different things, or my partner is scared, or doesn’t understand what I want, or doesn’t know how to meet my request. We keep going. We stay in heart consciousness, and we keep going.

Or, my partner chooses not to be in heart consciousness. My partner—for whatever reasons—feels the need to stay in safety consciousness, to protect herself. If so, this is her answer. Now I know the limits of what’s possible. This leads to a different conversation, but I can stay in heart consciousness. And if I do remain in heart consciousness, the possibilities for what can happen are different than if I go into safety consciousness.

That’s the part that’s so hard for people to understand or get. Almost all the questions my students or clients ask me about how to live in heart consciousness are coming from safety consciousness. Once we access heart consciousness, many of those questions become irrelevant.

Both are necessary and valuable

I want to emphasize that both safety consciousness and heart consciousness are necessary. To have healthy relationships we need to become skillful in navigating both safety and heart consciousness. So the participants in our retreats learn to become good at both safety and heart consciousness.

We believe the best tool for navigating safety consciousness is Perception Language, which is a different way of speaking. When we use Perception Language we eliminate blame, so the other person doesn’t get defensive. We stay focused on what’s happening in the present instead of bringing the past into the present. We stop holding the other person responsible for how we feel and as soon as we do this we free ourselves from feeling like victims.

Finally, and most crucially, Perception Language is a tool that helps us realize and remember that the meaning we are making—of everything—is made up. When we get this in our bones, we become far less attached to our ideas, identities, egos, positions, and need to be right. By loosening my grip—stop trying to control the other person—I open the door and can step fully into heart consciousness.

These pieces all go together. To live in heart consciousness without knowing how to navigate safety consciousness is unrealistic. And if I don’t take the time to learn how to communicate clearly, be present, stop blaming others for how I feel, jumping to heart consciousness is a form of spiritual bypassing that muddies up the waters. After I develop safety consciousness skills, which are quite elegant, then I need to learn and practice how to shift into heart consciousness. Otherwise, I will limit all my relationships.

Our upcoming retreat is designed for people to learn, practice, and master the skills of safety consciousness, as well as to open our hearts and experience the ease of love.

 

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Life Consists of Three Kinds of Moments

There is a different way to live—a better way—for those of us seeking to be lovers of life. What does that mean? It means to love life—your life—without resistance. When we learn to live this way we spend most of our time in the present moment of possibilities.

These are extraordinary moments in our everyday lives if we recognize them. The idea is not to hold onto them, but to go from one to another. They happen all the time:

The first thing when I wake in the morning—I notice something beautiful.
When I say, “good morning” to Hannah I take extra time to look into her eyes.
As I write my first email of the day I hold the intention to make a positive contribution.
Asking the customer service agent on the phone, “How’s your day going?”
Taking one minute to stop working, walking outside and listening to the wind.
Taking four minutes to stop working so I can do the four-minute meditation.
While working, doing so with passion and purpose.
Taking a moment before I go to bed to look at the stars.

If I don’t recognize these moment they pass by as ordinary moments, lost moments, moments of angst, aches, or absence.

Life consists of three kinds of moments:

Present moments in which I am fully awake and choosing how to live.
Painful moments riddled with tension, second guessing myself, and wishing things were different.
Passive moments in which I am distracted or tempted by trivialities.

I believe that we mostly live in passive moments. And passive moments, in and of themselves, are not bad. I imagine that they may exist as a way to provide a respite from the painful moments. After too many painful moments I need a respite. And the painful moments are common, even in the world of personal growth and psychotherapy, because so often we frame our issues in ways that create pain.

For example, we spend too much time talking about how other people hurt us or disappoint us or exclude us. And in many therapy sessions this perspective is encouraged as a form of self-expression, which then gets validated as the therapist responds with empathy and understanding.

But, when issues are framed in this manner—how he or she makes me feel—the result is disempowering and often painful.

When we Live Conscious, we don’t frame issues in this way. We take full responsibility for our feelings. Other people don’t hurt me or disappoint me or exclude me. They do whatever they do—usually somewhat unconsciously. And then I make meaning of what they do in such a way that I may hurt, disappoint or exclude myself.

When I do this the key is to recognize that I’m doing these things to myself. When I pain myself the solution is seldom to blame another person. Once in a while that’s appropriate, but mostly the solution is to be with and learn from my discomfort. My discomfort informs me and will guide me—if I listen—to living my life in such a way that I stop causing myself unnecessary pain. This may require me to renegotiate agreements with other people, or to learn to let go—either of the other person or maybe of past associations I’m projecting onto the other person. Whatever the solution, the process begins by learning to be present with my pain.

Our pain is mostly a result of two things:

The ways we make meaning.
Resisting the call to grace.

The ways we make meaning are largely unconscious. They are simply adopted based on what we see other people do—especially when we were young children. It is common for all of us to make meaning by framing things as being right or wrong, good or bad, and acting as if we have the right to tell other people about them. We think all of these are “normal.” We also make meaning by blaming other people for our feelings and our failings.

The question I find helpful is, “Does the way I’m making meaning create the life I want to live?” If so, I just keep going. If not, it is possible for me to learn a new way to make meaning. That’s what Reology offers—a method for realizing and remembering that we each make up meaning moment to moment.

And as far as resisting the call to grace, this occurs as a result of being either lazy or tenacious. Lazy, in that I don’t do what I know I need to do, practice what I know will be helpful, or behave in intentional ways. Tenacious, in that I fiercely hold onto ideas about who I am as if I have a fixed and permanent identity. Have you ever said, “That’s just the way I am.”? When I say that I am resisting the call to grace. I am resisting the possibilities of the present moment, tenaciously holding onto ways I’ve been—even if they don’t serve me.

There is a better way—choosing the possibilities of the present moment.

We just came back from conducting our summer retreat, which we call a “lab.” We call it a lab—for the word laboratory—because it’s a place to experiment . . . try new behaviors . . . relate to people in new ways . . . and learn an astoundingly unique way to communicate. During the lab we live in a different world, one in which we make meaning according to a few consciously chosen principles. These principles include:

Removing praise and blame
Bringing ourselves into the present moment
Taking responsibility for our own feelings
Respecting that other people are different (not wrong)
Eliminating telling other people about them
Reminding ourselves that everything is temporary

The quality of our lives is the result of how we make meaning

I wish you could have been there with us, but I know that is not possible for everyone. So I’m writing this article for those who couldn’t be with us, as well as a reminder for those who were, as a way to encourage all of us to consider that the quality of our lives is the result of the way we make meaning. If we’re not happy, if we don’t like the way we relate with our partners and other people in the world—we can try on some new ways of making meaning and relinquish the firm convictions we have about who we are.

If you’ve been to one of our labs the key is to practice. If you haven’t been to one of our labs, I encourage you to start by reading my book, Get Weird, Make The Most of Your Life.

There is a different way to live—a better way—for those of us seeking to be lovers of life. Living in this other way allows us to connect with and express our gifts and our wisdom. Don’t wait, because to do so is a waste. The present moment of possibilities is here right now, it’s a matter of stepping up and being your full self.

 

 

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Don’t Try So Hard

Let Go. Give In. Stop Trying.

I believe hard work often pays off. I also believe there are situations in which we should try less hard. When we try hard we tend to narrow our focus—followed by a cascade of physiological changes that begin with a release of adrenaline. When we try hard we create results and to maintain those results we often must continue to try hard.

When I was 35 I set a goal to ride my bicycle over a steep mountain pass that was about 20 miles from my house. Given that I wasn’t a serious cyclist, this was an ambitious goal. I worked at my goal from late summer through the fall, but as the weather got colder and winter approached I was unable to make it up the last mile of the mountain pass—the steepest part. I put more pressure on myself, trying harder, but to no avail. Finally, when the first frost of the season came, I realized I didn’t have it in me to accomplish my goal. I quit. I hung up my bike and accepted my limitations.

Two weeks later we had a surprisingly warm fall day. I decided to take my bike off the wall and go for a short ride. I headed off in the direction I always went and after 15 miles I felt great. I decided to head up the mountain pass—just for fun—and when I was within a mile of the top I thought to myself “what the heck.” I just kept going. I rode up, up, and over. It was not effortless, but it was not insurmountable. I amazed myself.

Deadlines

More recently I was pushing myself toward a self imposed deadline to finish my book. The writing was done, but I needed to get it prepared for the printer. This meant using a design program that was new to me. I gave myself 4 days to complete the task. By Sunday afternoon—the 4th day—I overwhelmed myself with the problems I was having. I saw no way to finish in time and decided the project would have to wait for 6 weeks until I returned from my trip to Asia. Annoyed, I quit. To get out of my uncomfortable mind space I invited Hannah for a walk. After our walk we had dinner, then sat down to watch a movie. During the intermission, I went to my office and started fiddling around with the layout for my book. I had no expectations, I was just curious to try something. It worked. I decided to continue. All the problems I was previously having had obvious solutions. I didn’t watch the end of the movie, instead I finished my book layout and sent it to the printer before I went to bed.

In both situations, I stopped trying so hard. I actually gave up and in so doing I relaxed and accessed my abilities that I previously constrained with pressure and too much effort. I believe this dynamic in which trying too hard is problematic, also applies to relationships. Consider the following:

1. Trying too hard isn’t that much fun so we lose the joy that is largely the point of relating.

2. We inhibit ourselves when we work too hard at relating—worrying, evaluating, judging. Tiptoeing, holding back, or pushing too hard for a particular result. In such situations we don’t experience much flow. It’s the flow that sustains us during the challenging times. Without the flow and ease, the challenging times become too much.

3.  If we are “successful” as a result of trying really hard, we create a relationship built on hard work, effort, and tenacity. To maintain this we very likely will have to work hard, keep efforting, and remain tenacious. This is not how I want to characterize my relationships, certainly not my primary, intimate relationship.

What if we change our criteria—in certain situations—from hard work to ease? We could relax, breathe, access heart consciousness and build relationships that naturally and effortlessly evolve.

I invite you to explore not trying so hard. One way is to join our Thrilled To Be Alive online course.

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Surviving The Volcano

“I was sound asleep when I heard pounding on my door, and then the door being kicked in. The man who came in was shaking; he was scared. He hustled me out of bed, pushing me toward the door, telling me I had to evacuate my home. I got out with my purse, the nightgown I was wearing, and my two dogs. One dog volunteered to get in my car, the other hesitated, and the terrified man picked him up and threw him in the car, yelling at me to ‘step on the gas, get out of here as fast as you can.’ There was only one road out, and everyone was trying to escape the volcano’s fury. I never even heard the sirens, because the sirens, which were high up on poles, were buried under lava.

This was the fantastic story we heard from a woman standing in line at the pharmacy in Waimea. She was there with her beautiful Doberman, a well-trained assist dog named ”Rock Star”. That’s how she got our attention. Jake asked if he could connect with the dog, who was very special. She told us that she had just moved into someone’s garage on the “wet” side of Waimea, where it rains all the time.

The home she had to evacuate was her bed and breakfast at the Kapoho tide pools—which she described as, “the most beautiful place I ever found in the world, and I’ve traveled everywhere.” She bought her home in Kapoho eighteen months ago, out of foreclosure, and then used all the money she had to remodel and transform it into a bed and breakfast. It was her retirement home that allowed her to live surrounded by beauty, sharing it with guests, and making a modest income. “Now,” she said, “it’s under forty feet of lava along with everything I owned.”

Tragic, yes? Devastating, no?

Here’s what she said: “It was liberating. All the stuff I used to hang onto, the photos, the kid’s artwork, a lifetime of stuff I couldn’t let go of—it’s all gone.” Everything she knew to be a part of her life and identity were gone. And she said it was liberating. And we believed her.

She told us that the worst part was the terrified man busting in her door to rescue her and the drive to escape. That part of the experience felt traumatizing, and she was shaky for two or three days. But in the end, she is happy to be alive, and although living in a garage where it’s always raining, is challenging—she feels liberated. She’s liberating herself.

I stunned myself listening to her; she made the whole volcanic eruption far more real and personal to me. I appreciate my life and put into perspective any challenges that come my way. Nothing that happens is likely to ever come close to what this woman experienced.

We left the pharmacy, and drove home over the mountain, back to our little town, Hawi. It’s one of the most stunning drives in the world, and I felt so appreciative and fortunate.

And later that night:

That night we went to the Kava bar. Many local characters gather every Friday night at the Kava Kafe. Not your typical bar, no one is getting loaded, there is no alcohol. The place is alive with kids and dogs and neighbors, and the local characters, gathering one evening a week. There is one meal available that one can buy for supper, always vegetarian, usually with a gluten-free option. Tonight it was enchiladas, and I ate them, even though they were full of nightshades. The food was yummy and I enjoyed the moment and will probably suffer some tomorrow.

These people are real, unpretentious, gentle, loving, and happy (those drinking kava are even happier). The effect of kava is not a high. It just puts a smile on your face, if you haven’t already got one. Some of the old-timers in there were drinking kombucha. That’s the other item on the menu. But even the kombucha drinkers were smiling

What are the keys to living a meaningful life and having healthy relationships?

What can I say? I could talk about the importance of developing excellent communication skills and knowing how to express your emotions maturely. Or, I could listen to you talk about your problems, and we could explore the deeper meanings. But, I find myself saying less and less these days. I haven’t given up speaking, but I can imagine becoming monosyllabic. What would that one syllable be? Stop—Stop.

Stop what?

Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to find the right answer, as if there is a right answer. Thinking there is a right answer is one of the causes of conflict and suffering. Stop searching for more, as if there is more. Well, actually, there is always more—more stories, drama, excuses, desires. But does searching for more reinforce the idea that we don’t enough?

Do you not have enough? What is it that you’re lacking? Before you answer that, read the next two paragraphs, which are from a new novel I’m reading:

“Up in the private residence, I open one of the dresser drawers, which contains only a single item: a picture of Rachel. I have plenty of those around here, photos of her vibrant and happy, mugging for the camera or hugging or laughing. This one is for me only. It was taken less than a week before she died. Her face is blotchy from the treatments; she has only wisps of hair on her head. Her face is almost skeletal. To most people, this would be hard to look at—Rachel Carson Duncan at her absolute worst, finally succumbing to a ravaging disease. But to me, it’s Rachel at her best, her strongest, her most beautiful—the smile in her eyes, her peace and resolve.

“The fight was over at that point. It was just a matter of time, they told us—could be months, but more likely weeks. It turned out to be six days. It was six days I wouldn’t trade for any others in my life. All that mattered was us, our love. We talked about our fears. We talked about Lilly. We talked about God. We read from the Bible and prayed and laughed and cried until our wells of tears had run dry. I’d never known intimacy so raw and cathartic. I’d never felt so inseparable from another human being.” *

Appreciate. Presence. Along with “stop,” these are a couple of other words I imagine muttering as I grow older and continue working with people. People travel far to find answers, some visiting our land in Hawaii in hopes of finding the solution. And this particular piece of land is remarkable —taking away not only my breath, but my thoughts. Being on this land is more healing than any words I can offer. Yet, people wait patiently for their appointment with me. They walk into my office. I’m staring out at the ocean. They sit and start telling me their stories . . . what’s wrong, what’s not enough, how things should be.

I mumble, “Stop.”

“Stop, what do you mean? I really can’t help myself. When I was a child my mother ignored me and made me feel like a . . . “

“Stop.”

“Well, what do you mean? I’m just trying to explain why . . . “

“Stop.”

“Okay, I’ll stop. I mean I flew all this way to get some help. So I guess if you want me to stop, I could do that. Maybe you’re getting ready to tell me something and that’s why you wanted me to stop. Okay, yeah, I get it. I’m listening.”

“Appreciate.”

“A . . . appreciate?”

“Appreciate.”

“Okay, what do I appreciate?”

“Presence.”

“Appreciate presence. Appreciate presence. Do you mean like mindfulness? I’ve done some mindfulness training and what I learned is that my mind tends to wander because I’ve got a compulsive need to . . .

“Stop.”

“I’m not sure we’re getting anywhere. I think . . . “

“Appreciate.”

“Hmm. Is there more to this therapy than . . . “

“Presence. No.”

“Well, I was expecting . . . “

“Stop.”

“Okay. Now what?”

“Go sit on the land.”

“Great, an assignment. What do I do?”

“Appreciate.”

If you don’t get the point of this article, I can’t explain it. I mean, I could, but if I did, then I would be contributing to something I don’t want to contribute to.

If you do get the point of this article, you might be interested in joining my next Thrilled To Be Alive group. The purpose of these groups—this will be the fourth one I’ve conducted—is to introduce people to a new level of consciousness in which we stop working so hard on ourselves, stop endlessly processing our feelings, break free of our stories and appreciate being alive.

If you’re interested, fill out the form below. And if you do join the group, you can expect to hear me say a little more than “stop,” “appreciate,” and “presence.”

* Excerpt from: The President Is Missing, by Bill Clinton and James Patterson

I Want To Be Thrilled

I Want To Be Thrilled To Be Alive*YesI am already, but want to learn moreName



First




Last


Email

Please select all that you think are true

I have strong communication skills


I am emotionally mature


I take a high degree of personal responsibility


I am not interested in complaining


I do not suffer from depression


I do not suffer from post-traumatic stress




I have a pretty wonderful life and want to appreciate it more
Please tell us a little about yourself and why you're interested in this group.*Are You Available To Make A Full Commitment?*This course is limited to ten people. Each person is paired up with a "buddy." So if any person chooses not to show up, it messes up the experience for their buddy. That's why I ask people to make a 100% commitment if they are going to join this 21-day course. The commitment includes a weekly Zoom video conference and a brief daily email with your buddy. Can you do that?Yes, absolutely.It depends on circumstances.I need to know more about the commitment.How did you learn about this course?If someone referred you to this course, please let me know who that was. If not, how did you find out about this course?I applied before but didn't get in.














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A Thrilling Meditation

Magic Lotus flower

For much of my adult life I’ve tried to meditate—and for most of that time, I struggled. I have a busy mind and while I genuinely wanted to quiet my mind, I never really succeeded. Mostly, I spent a lot of time telling my mind to stop thinking while sitting in an uncomfortable position. I rarely felt like I was achieving a sense of peace or connection, mostly I fought myself, the teacher, the voice on the audiotape, and my posture. I also frustrated myself—I’ve met so many people over the years who love their meditation, reap great benefits and genuinely seem to enjoy sitting, and I couldn’t get it.

So even though my experience with meditation has not been positive, I recently signed up to do a 21-day course that included a different approach to meditation. Jake Eagle ran the course, which had a lot to do with my willingness to try, plus it was free.

Thrilled to be Alive

The other compelling factor was that Jake called his group, “Thrilled to be Alive.” That alone didn’t sound like most meditations I’ve encountered—I don’t ever recall hearing a Zen master talk about being thrilled—mostly I heard words like stillness, quiet, patience, repetition and years of practice. So a meditation that involved practicing being thrilled to be alive sounded pretty enticing.

The first class was on a Monday evening, ten of us met with Jake online to learn this meditation that not only invited us to be thrilled with our lives but also proposed that we could eliminate many if not most of our daily “problems,” and free ourselves from our free-floating anxiety and angst. Well, with that carrot dangling ahead of me, I was more than eager to give this practice a go, and I was willing to follow directions.

The directions were pretty simple—we paired up into five sets of ‘buddies’ and once a day we were to email our buddy focusing on whether or not we were thrilled to be alive. Jake selected the word ‘thrilled’ for a reason, and the link to his explanation can be found here… The other part of the instruction was to sit comfortably once a day and elevate my consciousness into what Jake refers to as “Heart Consciousness. ” Once I’m in this other state of consciousness I take the time to truly notice and appreciate that I am alive, relatively healthy, have people who love me and whom I love deeply, and in general I have a pretty sweet and delicious life.

Once a week we met with our buddy online and dove a little deeper into our experiences, compared notes and became better acquainted. We also had the assignment to help each other out if we were feeling less than thrilled. The point was to recognize that we often slip back into old habits of negative thinking, repetitive stories and reverting to living on auto-pilot. We also began to notice that we habitually spend time feeling anxious, bored, listless, and not awake or fully present to the miracle of life. My buddy’s job was simple—he had a form I’d filled out at the beginning of the course detailing all the things I love and appreciate in my life—all the reasons I am thrilled to be alive. And when I would forget and lose myself in negative self-talk or stories about why I was unhappy, my buddy’s job was to remind me of all the things I had written on the form.

Weekly Online Meeting

And the final component of the course was a weekly online class with Jake that consisted of doing the heart consciousness meditation as a group, learning more about the other levels of consciousness, and time for questions and discussion regarding our experiences.

I can’t begin to describe how miraculous and profound the experience was for me and I think most of the other participants would agree that the meditation and the buddy system was a powerful combination that served to anchor the benefits of the experience. Many have decided to continue not only the meditation but to continue working with their buddy as well. And I think just about everyone discovered that they have old stories and baggage swirling around in their minds that they’d ignored or been unaware of for years. We learned a clever way to notice and make choices regarding our stories, did the stories serve us, did we want to keep them, or were we ready to let them go and create different stories that reflected how we want to be in the world.

The most powerful realization for me was identifying a story I have been carrying around for most of life that has nothing to do with how I experience myself. For most of my life I had a pretty low opinion of myself, and not only is it not how I feel about myself, but it is also a story I inherited. In the past, I would have felt that I needed to process this realization, spend time with a therapist or a coach and talk about who gave me the story, why I believed it and what do I need to do now to counteract that firmly embedded story.

How To Move Past Old Stories

But as a result of joining this class, now I have a different solution. Practicing the meditation and accessing heart consciousness, I have a different way of releasing that story. I meditate, spend time savoring and appreciating my life, being grateful for the gift of being alive, and when I’m in heart consciousness, I have no attachment to the story. When I finish the meditation, I feel renewed, re-energized and my attachment to and my belief in that story diminishes each time. After 21 days the story and its hold on me has shrunk considerably. Imagine how free I’ll be of old stories in 42 days? 63? 84?

Jake is offering more of these meditation groups—if you have the opportunity I encourage you to join. It was free when I did it because I was in what he called a “beta” group, kind of a test group. I don’t know if he’s offering more of those or charging for the group. Having done it, I’d pay to do it again. And if you want to spend a week getting really good at navigating the levels of consciousness, recognizing and releasing old stories and freeing yourself from habitual anxiety, frustration or unhappiness, I recommend signing up for the July retreat. I’ll be there and so will some of my pals from the 21-day course. It’ll be great to see you there.

I Want To Be Thrilled


I Want To Be Thrilled To Be Alive*YesI am already, but want to learn moreName



First




Last


Email

Please select all that you think are true

I have strong communication skills


I am emotionally mature


I take a high degree of personal responsibility


I am not interested in complaining


I do not suffer from depression


I do not suffer from post-traumatic stress




I have a pretty wonderful life and want to appreciate it more
Please tell us a little about yourself and why you're interested in this group.*I applied before but didn't get in.

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Wake Yourself Up — live on the wild side

“We use the word “wilderness,” but perhaps we mean wildness. Isn’t that why I’ve come here, to seek the wildness in myself and, in so doing, come on the wildness everywhere, because after all, I’m part of nature too.”   Gretel Ehrlich

Gretel was considering wildness while hiking in the wilderness, but as I read her book: “Islands, the Universe, Home,” I’m sensing a connection between hiking the wildness of wilderness, and our personal growth retreats.

By chance, we recently met Gretel walking on a quiet lane between vibrant green fields of Kohala. We didn’t know who she was, nor did we recognize her NPR broadcaster husband, who was walking beside her. But she graciously gave us their phone number, offering to meet up for a future walk together.

Looking for wildness was why Jake and I moved to Hawaii. In New Mexico, we had all we needed for a beautiful life, but the adventure was missing. For our third act, we wanted to do something bold. I value boldness. Boldly being as alive as I can. Boldly doing something to wake me up from the comfort of some degree of non-conscious living.

I find that the exploration into the wilds of myself—with other like-minded explorers—at our personal growth retreats is a way to wake myself up, and re-view what I’m doing with my life so that I make the most of my time here.

With those thoughts in mind, I morph Gretel’s quote into something for myself, bridging her thoughts to what takes place in our Live Conscious Retreats:

Isn’t that why I come to these retreats, to seek the wildness in myself, and in so doing, to discover the wildness of everyone else who comes? We meet there in our human-ness, anonymously, taking on pseudonyms that represent something about ourselves that interest us—while curiously seeking what we inspire within ourselves.

Though I co-lead these retreats, I enter each week-long retreat in the same way I desire everyone else to. I come with curiosity about what I will learn and how I will thrill myself, and look forward to finding what experiences I’ll love the most.

I believe that if I seek to grow until I die, I will end up satisfied at my ending. If I do this, I’m sure I’ll have been more conscious and will have lived more open-heartedly while I was here.

Each retreat we lead is different. These retreats evolve as we evolve and if we come with an open mind, we all become more of who we are. With each retreat, I expand and discover more of myself and increase my willingness to live more boldly.

Another quote from Gretel: “Wildness has no conditions, no sure routes, no peaks or goals, no source that is not instantly becoming something more than itself, then letting go of that, always becoming.”

I invite you to your own becoming. And not to put this off any longer. For those of you who have done this before, know there is more of you to discover.

I once saw a humorous greeting card that had a little bird on the cover. Under the bird were the chirpings of the bird: “Cheer-up! Cheer-up!”

On opening the card, it said: “You haven’t got long.”

I often think that If I could live and seek wildness-in-me forever—that still wouldn’t be long enough. So here’s my call to you and to myself daily:

Wake up! Wake yourself up! You haven’t got long. This day and the rest of your life will go by so quickly.

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