Jake Eagle's Blog, page 5

The Experiment of a Lifetime

I’m in the midst of the most profound experiment I’ve ever done. I wrote about this idea in a previous article, and now I can unequivocally state that the results are not only mind opening but heart opening.

For the first time in my life, I understand the famous T.S. Elliot quote:

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.

I have come home to my heart. And I know this place for the first time. I am not afraid of this place—of living with an open heart, nor am I a master. But I am discovering how to live with an open heart as part of this experiment, which involves working with a partner—a buddy—in my case it’s a colleague of mine, Mike, who’s also a therapist. To be clear, we’re not doing therapy with each other. Actually, we’re doing the opposite.

Therapy reinforces safety consciousness

All we are doing is reminding one another that we have a choice—almost all the time—to live in heart consciousness instead of safety consciousness.

In safety consciousness, I am focused on doing things to make myself feel safe and secure, including setting goals, being productive, solving problems, managing my finances, setting clear boundaries with people—all necessary activities. And this is where most of us live most of the time. In safety consciousness, the smallest hiccup can cause anxiety, reactivity, negative self-talk, judgments, and inappropriate behaviors on my part.

Heart consciousness is very different from safety consciousness. When I’m in heart consciousness I appreciate so much about my life—not just the “good” things, but even many of the “hard” things. Not only do I appreciate what I have, simple things, like I have two legs and two arms that work, I can also walk and run, dance and exercise. I have a cool cat, Maow, a wonderful wife, Hannah (maybe I should have listed Hannah before Maow?), and a few dear friends. But even more fundamental than what I have is the simple fact that I’m alive. That alone is a reason to feel grateful.

Mike and I are learning that we can experience something that might typically be considered difficult, challenging, or scary, and still stay in heart consciousness by practicing being grateful. Here’s an example Mike shared with me. After visiting his dentist, he wrote the following:

For as long as I can remember I suffered my way through dental procedures with thoughts like:

I hope this asshole knows what he’s doing.
He’s probably a sadist.
He’d better not screw up. Is he drilling the right tooth?
God this sucks.
I might have to pee. What if I piss my pants right here?
Ooh, that hurt. It’s gonna start hurting. Wait…wait, it’s hurting! Maybe not. Don’t be a baby.
How can anyone be happy being a dentist? Rooting around in people’s disgusting mouths all day…
How come my teeth suck so bad? It’s genetics. I hate my parents.
I can’t believe how expensive this is. I could go on a vacation for this money, but no, here I am being tortured so he can drive his Porsche.
I’m losing parts of my body that have been with me forever. I’m slowly dying off…grief.
I’m sweating. Can they see it? Of course they can. God this is embarrassing.
Is it starting to hurt for real now?

Today, being in heart consciousness, my thoughts were different:

Wow, those poor people in the old west: a shot of whiskey, some dudes to hold you down…
This guy is actually very good.
That’s a thoughtful method, starting the drill very lightly, making sure it doesn’t hurt before applying more pressure.
Can you imagine life without modern dentistry? That scene from Castaway…
This is so friggin’ cool if you think about it.
Grind away dude!
Hey, the sound of the drill blows out internal dialogue.
I’m gonna stick my tongue in that spit sucker thing next time, just for fun.

Looking up at these two faces, with the bright operating light just behind them – the image is so clear and close and stark. There we were, the three of us saving me from what would have been horrendous if not for this procedure. It was cool. I was comfortable. My body tensed up from time to time. My jaw and neck hurt from staying in that position for hours. But I wasn’t suffering. Best dental procedure ever. I don’t feel normal.

Laughing out loud

I laughed out loud when I read Mike’s story. I entirely related to the first part, going to the dentist and being in safety consciousness. The second part was a whole new concept for me. But, for the past several months I’ve been test driving how to work with my consciousness, and the results have been life-changing. And to further my understanding, I started a beta-group, leading ten people through a 21-day online course. Each person has a buddy, which is key to the course design, and over the course of 21 days, they learn ways to access heart consciousness.

There is much I could share about this, but for now, I want to highlight three key points.

1) To be content and feel satisfied in my life requires that I live mostly in heart consciousness.

Even when I use all the psychological tools I have, which have helped me cope with anxiety and insecurity my whole life, the problem is that I am operating within safety consciousness. The result, no matter how proficient I am at communicating, setting intentions, and maturely expressing my feelings, still leaves me in safety consciousness. I believe it is essential to be good at navigating safety consciousness, but it’s also a trap.

2) Safety consciousness is almost invisible

What water is to fish, safety consciousness is to human beings. I don’t recognize safety consciousness because I grew up in safety consciousness. The only way I see to break out of the habitual pattern of safety consciousness is to have someone I trust point it out to me time and again. I’ll share with you an example of how this works.

I was on the phone with Mike, telling him that I’ve mostly been living in heart consciousness, but lately, I’ve also been in safety consciousness. He immediately challenged me and said, “Nah, I think you’re in safety consciousness, and you’re kidding yourself.”

Jake: “Well, you may be right, but that’s because we moved to Hawaii and I have to figure out how to make a living here, I’m managing very complex issues at a company where I serve as chairman of the board, and I’m trying to work out a bunch of details with the contractor who’s building our home.”

This was the key

Mike responded very slowly, almost speaking one word at a time: “Well . . . that’s really . . . really, interesting . . . because you can make a shitload of money in heart consciousness, manage the board of directors while you’re in heart consciousness, and work out details with your contractor while you’re in heart consciousness. On principle, there is no reason why you would need to go to safety consciousness to do the things you need to do. You don’t need to be in safety consciousness, and your needs won’t be met nearly as well in safety consciousness. You do so much better, have so much more success, feel so much better doing all of this in heart consciousness.”

Jake: POP! “You’re absolutely correct. I get it. I’m presupposing that to do certain things I need to be in safety consciousness. Justifying being in safety consciousness.

Mike: “Yeah, yeah, you’re saying some of the time you need to be in safety consciousness to do certain things, you don’t like going there but, you just have to go there. But, whoa, no, no, no . . . you don’t need to go there!”

3) It is realistic to live mostly in heart consciousness

This is a new insight for me. Before this experiment, I believed that I needed to live most of the time in safety consciousness, because of the business and busyness of life. I thought that only when I felt safe, I could shift into heart consciousness. I no longer believe this. I now recognize that I can live most of the time in heart consciousness and only when I feel genuinely threatened do I need to go to safety consciousness.

In my next article, I’ll share with you how I’m learning to manage the impulse to go into safety consciousness at times when I don’t need to.

Our 21-Day Experiment

Meanwhile, the first beta-group is wrapping up, and it’s been a great 21-day experiment for people interested in learning more about this way of living. I’m so excited about the results I’m going to offer another one. I know that many people who have been to our retreats want to do this course, and I will do one for our retreat participants in a few months. For now, I’m looking for people who have not been to our retreats because I’m curious to see how this model works if you have not learned the other models we teach. I want to understand how this approach to heart-consciousness/gratitude stands on its own.

What I will say about the course is that I inspire myself with the results. I’m seeing people open their hearts and form nourishing connections. I’m seeing them let go of their reasons for withholding, controlling, or defending themselves. And, at times, they may choose to withhold, control or defend because they truly don’t feel safe, but it’s a choice, not a habituated response. I have inspired myself with those who are participating in the first course, and I look forward to starting another one in March.

At some point in time we’ll start charging a fee for this 21-day course, $299, but for now we’re doing another beta-group—which means that it’s free, but we expect participants to share ideas and feedback so we can refine the experience. If you want to apply, please fill out the form below. If you applied before and didn’t get in, check the appropriate box.

I Want To Be Thrilled

I Want To Be Thrilled To Be Alive*YesI am already, but want to learn moreName



First




Last


Email

Please select all that you think are true

I have strong communication skills


I am emotionally mature


I take a high degree of personal responsibility


I am not interested in complaining


I do not suffer from depression


I do not suffer from post-traumatic stress




I have a pretty wonderful life and want to appreciate it more
Please tell us a little about yourself and why you're interested in this group.*I applied before but didn't get in.














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Quit Resisting Yourself

My whole life I have resisted owning my gifts, my beauty and the fullness of my heart. A wise man who knew this about me asked, “Why do you resist such great stuff?”

My answer is that I resist what is unfamiliar and being happy, feeling full and exhilarated every morning when I wake is still pretty unfamiliar, but it’s a lot more fun and satisfying than where I’ve spent most of my life.

Then the wise man said, “I encourage you to see if you can make sense of how you’ve resisted yourself because so many people resist their health, resist their beauty, resist their capabilities…What does it take to really embrace your wonderful qualities?”

So far I’ve come up with several answers. The first is, don’t quit.

When I first went to a Live Conscious retreat I had a fierce determination to make a better life for myself. But this was not the first time I had that powerful determination. My profound desire to be happy and to be free of the limiting beliefs and stories I had about myself has been with me for most of my life. What made this time different was the Live Conscious work and Jake and Hannah.

I’ve been through many cycles of trying to find a way out of my own self imposed hell—of course, I didn’t know it was self imposed until recently—but I wanted out for as long as I can remember. And every time I failed, every time I found myself stuck back in my own self-loathing, it was like adding gasoline to an already raging fire.

So, don’t quit is my first answer. No matter what, don’t quit.

The second answer is about Jake and Hannah. I clearly remember my first session with Jake clearly, not the details so much, but I remember how I felt—I felt seen. I remember he didn’t waste any time on bullshit about where I grew up, what my folks did for a living, or how I felt about my mom. He went right to heart of my conflict and that’s where we began. I immediately rose to his expectation—he was with me to help me free myself and he spent no time encouraging or validating my self-pity or my stories. He saw my determination, my brilliance, my gifts and my heart and from that first meeting he expected me to succeed, nay, to surpass my own expectations.

With his kind and incisive direction we began finding the lost and shattered parts of myself that I had dismissed, hidden and shunned for most of my life and with his help I began to gather myself together and heal. Hannah also played a profound role in my healing by treating me homeopathically—her remedies had a profound effect on my nervous system and I was able to immediately access a state of calm and peace, previously unavailable to me. And equally important she loved me and modeled for me how to be a kind and loving woman.

In the early months of my work with them, I soared. I made remarkable progress because for the first time in my life I had healthy models of how to parent myself and I was reconnecting with myself in deep and meaningful ways. But then, once I started to feel stable, I began to resist. I could spend the next eighty pages writing a long story about why I began to resist, but instead, I’ll tell you what happened every time I resisted—nothing. Jake and Hannah stood still, continued to love me, continued to hold high expectations of me and simply waited for me to get over my tantrums. What I wanted was for them to throw me away, to turn their backs on me, so I could retreat back into my cave of being a self-loathing victim. But they didn’t. And each time I resisted, I really suffered myself. The contrast between my life when I resist and believe my old stories, compared to how I feel when I am embracing the light in me is remarkable. I’m talking a moonless night and the brightest longest day. Eventually, I couldn’t stand my own prison, so I gave up.

I know that earlier I said, “don’t quit,” but there is one thing I needed to quit. I quit resisting.

The one thing I never did was give up on me; I did however, give up resisting me. In a relatively short period of time I have moved from misery to freedom and now I have the opportunity to work with people who are in similar situations. I am beyond fortunate, beyond grateful; I am thrilled to be able to pass this work on to others who are suffering themselves and living in their inner prisons. I can’t give them the determination I have, but I can witness them, I can love them and I can share with them what I have done in hopes that they will light their own fires and continue to feed the flames. It is this fire that will light the future and it is this fire that will eventually free us all—need a match?

 

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Thrilled To Be Alive

Most of my life I have worked hard to figure out ways to make myself happier and to be a better person. Up until a year ago if you asked me, I would have told you I was pleased with my results . . . but even back then there was something niggling around in the back of my head. I felt some un-ease, and I suspect that un-ease was part of what prompted Hannah and me to uproot our lives and move to Hawaii.

As long as we stayed in our relatively comfortable life in Santa Fe, it seemed unlikely that any significant changes were likely to come about. Everything was in its proper place, so much so that I felt boxed in by my reputation, routines, and the Identity I had worked so hard to establish. The box I was in was quite beautiful, but I had a sense that I was missing something, Hannah too, so we came to Hawaii for a month to explore the Big Island.

We fell in love with Hawaii and we both felt twenty years younger. We were more playful, relaxed and inspired so we crazily decided we’d go back to Santa Fe, sell our home and move to Hawaii. Less than a year later we were living here.

The move was surprisingly hard

All those things that boxed me in—my reputation, my community, and my routines—were left behind. Without those things my Identity was in limbo. Who am I when I have no work to do, no clients to appreciate me, no role to play in a community that I’d been part of for over fifteen years? No kids, grandkid, nothing familiar. Who am I?

I’d always believed in the value of having a clearly defined Identity—you can call it ego if you like. Many people don’t recognize the value of having a healthy ego, but I think it’s essential, and it’s not the same as being egotistical. To have a healthy ego allows me to know and respect myself, my needs and wants, and yes, even my limitations. A healthy ego provides a sense of grounding, which I need because like all of us I live in a world full of uncertainty. My ego offers me continuity, a sense of myself that I take with me wherever I go. It evolves gradually over time, unless I do something radical, like move to Hawaii.

In that case, the “who am I” question looms large because all the things I used to rely on to remind me of “who I am” are absent. So I have a choice. I can either do the things I’d always done to reorient myself—start offering workshops, teaching classes, seeking clients, building my reputation, writing articles for local papers—or I can do something different. But, I more or less know the results I’ll get if I do the same old thing. So . . .

I decide to do something different

The thing I’ve always done pretty well is think. I’ve thought a lot in my life. My thinking resulted in many constructive ideas about how to relate well with people and help other people relate well. My thinking also led to fresh insights and ideas about developing emotional maturity, individuating, parenting, aging and group dynamics. All of these helped me be an effective therapist—because I’d thought so much about human behavior I was able to offer insights and practical tools to the people I worked with.

So . . . I arrive in Hawaii—and even with all the knowledge and tools I have—I’m lost. I’m determined not to do what I’ve always done. Instead, I try something new. I try not thinking, or more accurately, thinking in a different way.

My old way of thinking was born out of safety consciousness. Safety consciousness is about being productive, protecting what we care about, measuring ourselves against others, creating emotional boundaries, and building our lives around things and ideas that feel familiar to us, because familiarity makes us feel safe (even if it isn’t actually safe).

Safety consciousness is also about solving problems—small problems and big problems. If I’m impatient with Hannah and I think that’s a problem, and I work to change my behavior, I’m in safety consciousness. I’m trying to make myself feel safer by being a better partner. If I feel like I’m stuck in the wrong relationship and I need to get out—to feel safer—I make decisions from within safety consciousness. If my bank account gets too low I may seek another job, safety consciousness. On and on . . .

Too much focus on safety

Before I moved to Hawaii I had this budding awareness that almost all the work I’d done on myself over several decades was in safety consciousness. And I’d worked on my self-development in many different ways. There was no question that I was growing as a person, but I was growing in a lopsided way. I was just getting better and better at safety consciousness, going faster and faster in a particular hamster wheel.

How quickly could I resolve conflicts? How could I be a better listener? How non-reactive could I become when I was around people I didn’t like? How clear could I be in my communications with other people? How much space could I create between a stimulus and my response—the idea being that with more space I would be more thoughtful in my response. How maturely could I express my feelings when I felt I was treated unfairly, like when my mother passed away, and had changed her will to my disadvantage without letting me know?

Faster and faster I went, more skills, more tools, more models . . .

And, yet, I landed in Hawaii with all these tools, skills, and models and I was miserable. It made no sense. I was living a dream life with my dream partner, yet I was unhappy. I realized I had a big problem to solve—something was wrong—and for the first few weeks all I did was think about how to solve my problem. Why was I unhappy, what did it mean? Was my Identity that fragile? Did I need a continuous stream of other people appreciating me to feel okay about myself? Was I overly dependent on Hannah, because I was spending a fair amount of time making myself anxious about what I would do if something happened to her?

The contrast between how my life appeared—living the dream—and how I felt was so striking that I saw something I might never have seen had I not been in this situation. It was staring me in the face . . . I began to realize that the only problem I had was thinking I had a problem.

Problems everywhere I look

And this is the result of living in safety consciousness; I’m always looking for the solution to my latest problem. At times that’s exactly the right thing to do, and at other times it’s no longer necessary, but I’m habituated. And this is what I now recognize as a flaw in personal growth techniques, counseling, coaching and even some forms of mindfulness. All these tools and models reside in safety consciousness and perpetuate the myth that we are beset with problems.

I vowed to myself that I would not to try to solve my problem; because working to solve a problem validates the fact that there is a problem.

I had a few friends—they were also colleagues—with whom I shared my misery. I didn’t like revealing how poorly I was doing so I downplayed my unhappiness because I was embarrassed, but they knew I was struggling. They would try to help me in various ways, but all their ideas were coming from safety consciousness. They would try to reassure me that things would get better, but all that did was reinforce the idea that things weren’t okay as they were. They would remind me how resourceful I am. That meant, ‘yes, you have a problem, and you can solve it.’ In everything they said, in an effort to be helpful, they reinforced my story—I had a problem.

Until . . .

One day I had a fantastic moment. I remember it vividly. I woke up in the morning and as I opened my eyes I saw Hannah, she had just gotten out of bed and was putting on her bathrobe and when she saw me she smiled. It was glorious. In that moment I said to myself, “You should be thrilled to wake up.” And, yes, I get to be extra thrilled because Hannah’s my partner, but the underlying point of my comment was that I should be thrilled to wake up—period.

Martin Heidegger captured this when he wrote,

One marvels not about the way things are, but that they are.

Just the fact that I am alive is amazing. And, like some percentage of people on the planet—not everyone—I can choose what I want to do in the next ten minutes. I can notice the beauty that surrounds me. I can tell someone in my life that I love them, and I have people who will tell me they love me. I can listen to music, dance, sing (not well), or play with my cat. I can express myself and feel myself and be myself. I should be thrilled to be alive.

For the rest of that day I saw everything from a different perspective. What had happened is that I discovered a way into a different level of consciousness—heart consciousness. In heart consciousness—which is a state of gratitude—everything takes on a different meaning as compared to the meaning I make when I’m in safety consciousness. Heart consciousness was not new to me, I’d been exploring it for some time, but it was the experience of extreme contrast that propelled me into realizing I can actually live from a place of awe and gratitude—most of the time— regardless of what’s going on in my life.

In my life I’ve experienced a few paradigm shifts, but none as significant as this one.

The next day I wake up and the first question I ask myself is, “Am I thrilled to be alive?” My answer—“yes.” Later that day I’m talking with one of my friends, also a counselor, and I tell him about my experience. At some point in the conversation I ask him, “Are you thrilled to be alive?” He hesitates. For the next couple of minutes I remind him of the details of his life—healthy, happily married, successful, doing work he loves, all of his children are alive and healthy. I share with him the idea that in the next ten minutes he is free to do all sorts of amazing things. Whoosh—he lights up—he gets it!

We decide to try an experiment

We agree that for the next twenty-one days we will practice waking up and asking ourselves if we are thrilled to be alive. We agree to share daily emails, checking in with each other and once a week we’ll have an extended conversation to see how we’re doing. We also agree that if either one of us feels lost we’ll call each other.

Well, I’ll be damned if this guy doesn’t take this idea and run right past me. I mean it’s truly revolutionary. I’ve known this guy for twenty-five years and I’ve seen him happy-ish from time to time, pleased with his life from time to time, always working hard on himself, learning and growing and searching—but I’ve never seen him thrilled to be alive, until now. It was truly something to witness.

Me on the other hand—I continued to struggle but to a far lesser degree. Part of the difference is that my friend has every thing in place in his life. In other words, his Identity is solidly intact. His routines are in place. His community is in place. His income stream is steady. So when he drank the rocket fuel of gratitude he started to fly.

My experience is different, and equally or more significant, because my Identity is shaken up, my routines are non-existent, my community is remote and discombobulated, and my income stream is drying up. Yet, when I drank the rocket fuel of gratitude I stepped out of despair and into awe—awe of life. And with this different consciousness my “problems” appeared different. They weren’t gone, but I’d changed my relationship to them.

Over the next twenty-one days my friend, Mike, and I documented our process. Within ten days or so I was flying at an altitude and attitude similar to Mike’s. About two thirds of the way through the twenty-one days, Mike hit some turbulence. We figured out how to navigate those moments that are inevitable—part of life’s turbulence—and carried on. The conclusion we reached is that life includes problems, but it doesn’t need to include suffering (except in more extreme circumstances).

Key insights

Mike and I identified a key pattern, which is the difference between primary and secondary emotions. The primary emotions are instinctive responses we are born with such as happiness, sadness, anger, and fear. These emotions don’t last long; the chemicals that produce our emotions have a life span of about ninety seconds. They aren’t the cause of our suffering. It’s the secondary emotions we have that cause our suffering. The secondary emotions are the feelings we have about the feelings we had. These emotions are not in response to life events, but internal dialogues and stories we tell ourselves about life events. Both of us noticed that as soon as we entered a state of heart consciousness we weren’t telling ourselves stories and we were less attached to the stories we used to tell.

We also noticed that we both move easily from heart consciousness back to safety consciousness when necessary, almost seamlessly. However, when working with clients who hadn’t done the necessary growth in safety consciousness—meaning they hadn’t yet developed good communication skills, emotional maturity, and high levels of personal responsibility—we realized that these clients needed more skills to make themselves feel safe and adept in safety consciousness. It seems that we need certain skills in order to travel between levels of consciousness, and both Mike and I had been developing those skills for years, as many people have, but we didn’t know when enough was enough.

So, here we are, two guys who have been dedicated to helping ourselves and other people solve problems—especially emotional problems, and now we are presenting this radically new idea that even if we have problems, we don’t have to suffer . . . not when we live in a state of heart consciousness.

There is more to say about all of this. After the twenty-one days were over we both said, “No way are we stopping now, we can do this for the rest of our lives.” Our process continues and we continue to learn many key insights into how we can live in a continuous state of gratitude and heart consciousness. And we are well aware that this approach isn’t for everyone, some people are struggling to a degree that might make this approach unrealistic.

A thrilling invitation

We will be fine-tuning this process in the weeks and months, and probably years to come. The first thing we’re going to do is invite ten people to join us for another twenty-one day experiment. This will involve the two of us facilitating small group meetings via the Internet and participants partaking in a buddy system, just like Mike and I did for the first twenty-one days.

If you’re interested in joining us, fill out the form below letting us know a little about yourself and what you hope to get out of being part of this group. We will offer more groups in the future, but the first group, the beta-group, is often very special as we all learn and discover together.

I Want To Be Thrilled


I Want To Be Thrilled To Be Alive*YesI am already, but want to learn moreName



First




Last


Email

Please select all that you think are true

I have strong communication skills


I am emotionally mature


I take a high degree of personal responsibility


I am not interested in complaining


I do not suffer from depression


I do not suffer from post-traumatic stress


Please tell us a little about yourself and why you're interested in this group.*

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A Reason For Hope

Even in these challenging and divisive times, there is a reason for hope. That reason is that we all have access to the greatest capability ever created. Individually, we can use this capability to shape our lives. And when leaders use the same capability they can change the world. The capability is consciousness.

People often glaze over when they read the world “consciousness,” but I find it helps to think of consciousness simply as a state of awareness. What am I aware of? Am I aware that I’m in danger—then that’s my state of consciousness. Am I aware that I’m extremely fortunate to have the life I have—then that’s my state of consciousness.

And, here’s my point—we can each direct our state of awareness. We do it all the time. Look out at a scene in front of you right now. You will see more than you can take in so just focus on one thing—doesn’t matter what it is. That’s called conscious sight. You are seeing one thing consciously. Go to a party and listen to the cacophony of sounds, then focus on what one person is saying. That’s called conscious listening.

The same thing applies to how you think. You can experience conscious thoughts by directing your mind. Any time a thought arises you have a choice, or almost any time. If you are truly in a threatening situation then the freedom to choose diminishes, but mostly we are safe and can choose our thoughts.

So, do you choose to think about things that upset you and make you anxious, fearful, regretful, or do you think about things that make you calm, present, and hopeful? Directing consciousness is the key to living an intentional life. This is what we do in the Live Conscious community—we share tools and practices for living more consciously.

In the movie Allied, with Brad Pitt, there is a scene in which Pitt is talking to a young lieutenant, just before the man is ready to depart on his first combat mission. The man is visibly scared and Pitt asks him, “What are you thinking about?” and the young lieutenant replies, “My mother.” Brad Pitt says, “Don’t. Think about your father. He’s proud of you.”

For a young man going into battle, thinking about his mother will most likely produce feelings of tenderness and vulnerability, which although valuable, may not be the most helpful way to feel when getting ready to fly a combat mission. “Think of your father, he’s proud of you,” produces a completely different state of awareness.

When we ask other people questions about themselves, we are directing their consciousness. I encourage you to pause before asking questions and think about whether your question is likely to be helpful or not.

Great leaders throughout history have been able to direct the states of awareness—the consciousness—of millions of people. FDR did it at a time when our country was in a state of despair. John Kennedy did it when he directed us to “put a man on the moon by the end of the decade.” When I look at the problems our country is facing today, as well as the problems we see around the world, I believe the solutions will come when we have leaders capable of directing our consciousness in ways that unite us.

But we don’t need to wait for leaders before we take charge of our own lives. We can do so by directing our consciousness in proactive ways. To do this I recommend starting every morning with three simple acts.

1) Set your intention for the day. What kind of person do you want to be today? How do you want to conduct yourself? Just one or two words will be sufficient.

2) Spend a few minutes reading something intelligent, thoughtful, well written. This will be your first “conversation” of the morning. It will direct your consciousness. Make it count.

3) If you don’t have time for a longer meditation, take time to do our 4-minute meditation, which you can find here and download onto your phone or iPod. This is a thoughtfully designed practice that will help you strengthen your consciousness muscles.

Learn to direct your consciousness, and you can alleviate suffering—yours and other people’s. Learn to use your conscious, and you can create hope—for yourself and other people. Hope begins with each one of us and then it has a ripple effect, touching the lives of people around us.

 

 

 

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The Most Powerful Form of Mindfulness

Given a choice, how will you live? There are two basic ways in which we can live our lives, maybe not when we are youngsters, but certainly by time we reach our thirties—we have a choice.

Martin Heidegger, the German philosopher, said the choice is to exist in a state of forgetfulness of being or a state of mindfulness of being. Most of us live in a state of forgetfulness of being without ever choosing to do so. Forgetfulness of being doesn’t require us to make a conscious choice; it is natural and happens unconsciously.

It is where I find myself when I spend time on Facebook, engage in idle chatter, drive to work on auto-pilot, worry about what others think of me, and lose myself in unmemorable forms of entertainment. And that is why I do my best to avoid all of the above.

The writer Irvin Yalom explains what Heidegger meant:

When one lives in a state of forgetfulness of being, one lives in the world of things and immerses oneself in the everyday diversions of life: One is ‘leveled down,’ absorbed in ‘idle chatter,’ lost in the ‘they.’ One surrenders oneself to the everyday world, to a concern about the way things are.

Mindfulness off the cushion

But this is not the only way we can live. We can wake up to a state of mindfulness of being. This is not mindfulness limited to the meditation cushion; this is mindfulness off the cushion.

Yalom goes on to explain:

In the state of mindfulness of being, one marvels not about the way things are but that they are. To exist in this mode means to be continually aware of being. In this mode, which is often referred to as the ‘ontological mode’ (from the Greek ontos, meaning ‘existence’), one remains mindful of being, not only mindful of the fragility of being but mindful, too, of one’s responsibility for one’s own being. Since it is only in this ontological mode that one is in touch with one’s self-creation, it is only here that one can grasp the power to change oneself.

I so very much appreciate the sentiment of these words, in particular, “One marvels not about the way things are, but that they are.” This helps me live with the continuous awareness that life is a miracle. All of life—even the times when I struggle, scare or disappoint myself. When I access mindfulness of being I experience gratitude for life, for being alive, and I shift into what I call heart consciousness. In heart consciousness I embody love that is not dependent on another person; love emanates from within me.

None of us are likely to experience mindfulness of being until we are jarred out of our innocence of forgetfulness. One of the most common ways this occurs is when we experience visitations from death. It is when we come to recognize the impermanence of life that we recognize the preciousness of life and fully embrace it—all of it . . . including the challenges and the struggles, the disappointments and hurts, as well as the joy, humor, and beauty.

Accepting anxiety reduces anxiety

Our anxiety about death motivates us to distract ourselves—leading to the forgetfulness of being. The problem with this is that if I live my life in a state of forgetfulness I will very likely experience increasing anxiety as I age. In the back of my mind I ask the question, “Is this all there is to life?” I don’t have a sense of deep fulfillment, precisely because I’ve been trying to minimize my anxiety by distracting myself with ‘idle chatter’ and lost in the ‘they’ (overly concerned about what other people think).

Yalom summarized his writing about Heidegger by saying:

Forgetfulness of being is the everyday mode of existence. Heidegger refers to it as ‘inauthentic’—a mode in which one is unaware of one’s authorship of one’s life and world, in which one “flees,” “falls,” and is tranquilized, in which one avoids choices by being “carried along by the nobody.” When, however, one enters the second mode of being (mindfulness of being), one exists authentically. In this state, one becomes fully self-aware . . . one embraces one’s possibilities and limits; one faces absolute freedom and nothingness—and is anxious in the face of them.

“…and is anxious in the face of them . . . “ This statement may surprise you, but the point isn’t to escape our anxiety, the point is to use our anxiety to keep ourselves awake, mindful, and making the most of our lives.

Our work at Live Conscious is to continue to create and support a community of like-minded people—people who are committed to experiencing the mindfulness of being. In our small dynamic group we find companionship and unity in our sense of purpose and our intention to live consciously. If you are interested in living in a state of mindfulness, join us. Let us know you are out there by writing in our comment section below.

 

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Stop Thinking and Be Present

I’ll keep this short because I don’t want you to think too much about what I’m sharing with you. That’s the point of this short article, to suggest you think less.

I’ve been a therapist for twenty-five years, worked with hundreds of people, and seriously thought about life for fifty years. Only now do I see the limitations to thinking too much. I’ll explain . . .

Life is life; it unfolds in all its various forms. Births, injuries, ecstatic moments, beauty, trauma, connection, love, conflict, disconnection, aloneness, anxiety, curiosity, and death. It’s all life.

Everything is an expression of life

Everything that happens is an expression of life. If we choose to be present for whatever is happening, without resistance, we move from moment to moment—without suffering. Yes, there may be times of sadness or despair, but if we don’t resist them, they don’t last, they change into something else as life continues to unfold.

It is the mental process of thinking that seems to be the source of much of our frustration and suffering. What do we usually do when we are frustrated or suffering? We think harder. But, there comes a time in our lives when it is possible, and helpful, to stop thinking. When I do stop thinking I am no longer trying to work out the problem, think my way through it, use a technique, or even try to change the meaning. Instead, I am choosing to show up for life. To be present with whatever is happening.

Giving Up

Hannah and I both remember key moments in our lives that were turning points. What happened, for each of us in different situations, is that we gave up. We had been trying really hard to work out a problem, to find a solution. Eventually, we wore ourselves out and literally gave up. In that moment, we found a different kind of answer—not a mental answer, something much more profound.

I could explain it, but that would just be an invitation for you to think about it. Instead, what I want to suggest is that you stop thinking about whatever it is you are struggling with, acknowledge whatever is going on, be with that and then expand your awareness—go beyond your thinking self.

If you don’t know how, join our next retreat and learn how to navigate different levels of consciousness. Most of us live in safety consciousness, which is why we think so much. As we shift into heart consciousness and spacious consciousness, we think less and are more present. If you want to learn to do this for yourself, or with a partner or a friend, we have two places still available for our retreat that starts September 14th.

 

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How to Work with Chronic Fatigue, Mild Depression and Erectile Dysfunction

When I wrote the headline for this article I thought it sounded like the opening for a good joke, (A Christian preacher, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi are out on a boat for the day…), but this isn’t a joke and I don’t have a punch line to share with you. Instead, I want to share a very pragmatic approach for dealing with the challenges that come from chronic fatigue, mild depression and certain types of erectile dysfunction. This article will present an alternative view for dealing with these challenges and if you want to learn more you can join our upcoming webinar.

When you think about these three different problems you may notice that they have one thing in common. They all embody a certain physiological state. To help explain this I’ll share with you the “Physiology Map.” (NLP Master’s Training Manual, 1993).

Rev up

Our autonomic nervous system includes two different branches, the sympathetic and parasympathetic. On this map the lower half represents the parasympathetic nervous system and the upper half represents the sympathetic nervous system. It is our sympathetic system that revs up in emergencies or stressful situations when we may have to “fight or flee.” Heart rate increases, blood pressure increases, pupils dilate, and there is a surge of adrenaline.

Calm down

And it is our parasympathetic system that allows us to “rest and digest.” During times of low stress, reading a good book or sitting quietly, this is the system that controls our basic bodily functions.

“… the physiological effects caused by each system are quite predictable. In other words, all of the changes in organ and tissue function induced by the sympathetic system work together to support strenuous physical activity and the changes induced by the parasympathetic system are appropriate for when the body is resting.” (American Journal of Pharmaceutical Education, v71, 2007)

When we look at the left side versus the right side of the map we see a continuum that reflects our frame of reference; is it internal or external? We each operate within a continuum, some of us use a more internal frame of reference while others use a more external frame of reference. Those who are more external (left side of the map) tend to measure themselves against the feedback and opinions they receive from other people. Those who are more internal (the right side of the map) rely more on their own judgments, feelings, and opinions, and are less inclined to ask for advice.

By identifying one’s frame of reference (internal or external) and one’s autonomic nervous system activity, we can create a map containing four quadrants, each one consisting of certain character traits, emotions, and attitudes, as described below:

Wind: peaceful, self-contained, unattached and passive
Earth: stable, responsive, carefree and cheerful
Fire: active, angry, excited, blaming and impulsive
Water: anxious, reserved, pessimistic and quiet

What I commonly see when I work with people struggling with chronic fatigue, mild depression or certain forms of erectile dysfunction, is that all these issues/symptoms relate to a pattern in which people resist going into the Fire quadrant. Studying over 500 patients for the past 25 years my observation is that people struggling with chronic fatigue, mild depression or certain forms of erectile dysfunction generally resist the Fire quadrant and are stuck in the Water quadrant.

Chronic fatigue

One might expect a person struggling with chronic fatigue to be identified on the lower portion of the map because they seem to lack energy. However, more often than not these people have highly activated sympathetic nervous systems, which manifests as anxiety. This is part of why they feel fatigued, because they expend a great deal of energy being anxious.

Many therapeutic solutions for addressing chronic fatigue direct the client toward self-soothing practices like meditation or affirmations. These approaches are inviting the client to go from the Water quadrant (anxious) to the Wind quadrant (peaceful), which is physiologically very hard to do without passing through the Fire quadrant. Notice the thick black line between these two quadrants that represents a barrier. It is physiologically rare to go directly from a state of anxiety to a state of equanimity, especially when people have a high degree of internal mental chatter.

People must proceed through the Fire quadrant as a way to discharge some of their built up energy (arrow #1). This requires a willingness to feel some of their emotions, and hopefully express those emotions in appropriate ways. When this is done the client’s physiology will down-regulate from sympathetic arousal to parasympathetic rest, rejuvenation, and recovery.

Therapeutic strategies that encourage clients to unilaterally forgive others or love themselves are attempts to bypass Fire and go directly to Wind. Based on my observations, this strategy seldom works and usually results in very long term treatment.

Alternatively, it is possible to work with the emotions that have accumulated over time, which are likely to include despair or resentment when the person resides in the Water quadrant. And as the person moves into the Fire quadrant their emotional charge can be redirected and then their anger can be maturely expressed by taking such actions as redefining personal boundaries with other people, or standing up for oneself in situations that feel unfair.

Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile Dysfunction is often, though not always, a result of not being able or willing to sufficiently access the Fire quadrant. In fact, it is necessary to access a state of sympathetic arousal for a man to ejaculate. That means going into Fire.

Once again, we see that common therapeutic responses to erectile dysfunction include self-acceptance, forgiveness, and mindfulness practices intended to alleviate anxiety. All of these are attempts to down regulate the nervous system and avoid the Fire quadrant. But down regulation is not what’s needed, what’s needed is an outward expression of the sympathetic nervous system—and that takes place in the Fire quadrant.

I have witnessed consistently high rates of improvement of erectile dysfunction when men are willing to access the Fire quadrant, with the guidance of a therapist, so that they get in touch with their feelings—typically anger—and express their feelings in a robust, animated and appropriate way. I am not suggesting they remain in this state, but passing through Fire can help the phoenix rise again.

Mild Depression

Mild depression often involves pessimism, reservations and anxiety. These passive emotions often lead to self-pity, sulking, regret and despair. The downward spiral continues reinforcing itself at each turn. When these passive emotions are actively expressed in an outward manner—by going into the Fire quadrant—the cycle is broken.

Initially, the outward expression may include blaming, which is an immature expression, but as the individual’s nervous system begins to discharge, and by learning certain skills, anger can be maturely expressed, which is the goal. A mature expression of anger is not blaming other people, but taking responsibility for one’s own participation in whatever is going on.

In all these situations—dealing with chronic fatigue, mild depression or erectile dysfunction—going into Fire can be part of the solution. For many people struggling with these challenges, and for many therapists, this approach may seem counter-intuitive. When people are in a highly anxious state (Water) we want to help them calm down so we try to quell their anxiety. However, from a physiological point of view, going through Fire is often a necessary step to reduce anxiety.

The key is being able to access feelings of aggression, anger, and frustration and then express them—but to do so with a mature voice. If the client simply expresses their anger immaturely, that is likely to create conflict in their lives, which is what they have been trying to avoid and part of why they were stuck in Water.

Any emotion can be expressed in one of two ways: immaturely or maturely

Mature expression of emotions is best accomplished by using Perception Language, which empowers the person and makes it easier to take responsibility for their feelings. Additionally, mature expression of emotions requires a person to expand their time frame—to think about more than how they feel in the moment. And it requires expanding their perspective to include other people who are affected by the situation. When one expands their time frame this helps put the challenging situation in perspective and when one considers other people who are being affected this reduces the tendency for the “sufferer” to get lost solely in their point of view.

To learn more about this subject, join our upcoming webinar.

 

References:

Nelzon Zink, (1993) NLP Master’s Manual, NLP Santa Fe
Laurie Kelly McCorry, PhD (2007, August 15) Physiology of Autonomic Nervous System. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...

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Living An Inspired Life

Are you living the life you want to be living—an inspired life? What’s it take to live an inspired life? We learned so much about this in the past year since we were inspired to sell our house in Santa Fe and move to Hawaii. It was pure inspiration. And we acted on it. But it didn’t go exactly the way we expected.

Life in paradise

We had vacationed in Hawaii many times, and we often dreamed about living here. But a two week vacation didn’t seem like a fair trial, so last year we took five weeks off and rented a home on Hawaii. Day by day we felt younger and became more adventuresome than we’d been in twenty years. We fell in love with the place, the people, and more deeply in love with each other. We were inspired to make Hawaii our home.

It took us a year to sell our home in Santa Fe, thin out all the stuff we had accumulated over the previous decades, wrap up certain aspects of our lives, pack, move to temporary housing, unpack, pack again, and move to Hawaii to unpack one more time. It was exhausting. We had no idea. Well, Hannah had some idea, she said, “This isn’t going to be easy,” but I ignored her comment.

Where is paradise?

We arrived in Hawaii in May, 2017, looked up and saw an empty canvas. Although we were still inspired, mostly we were tired. We contracted, pulled inward, starting wondering and worrying about how we would make a living. We started questioning what we had done. We over-examined ourselves and that added to our fatigue. That’s about the time the embarrassment set in. We didn’t even want to tell people how we were feeling so we kept it to ourselves, which made us feel more isolated.

That was the first couple of months of our new lives in Hawaii. We couldn’t find paradise even though we were living in paradise. And even though it was very difficult, we were both highly motivated to reconnect with our inspiration. Some of our self-management tools—Perception Language and various mindfulness practices—were helpful, but not enough. That’s when we started delving deeply into the process of inspiration. Where does it come from? Why does it get squelched? How can we foster it?

We’ve found answers to those questions—at least for ourselves, incredibly valuable answers. We’ll be sharing them with anyone who would like to join our upcoming webinar—Sunday, July 30th.

Inspiration is hampered by memory

To lead an inspired life requires living in the present moment and letting go of all those old tapes, justifications, limiting beliefs and personal narratives that we use to define ourselves. All that stuff comes from memory. It is all from the past. When we live from memory we inhibit ourselves from seeing what’s possible in this moment.

Each of us contains great wisdom and deep knowing—this is where inspiration comes from. If we listen and then act from a place of inspiration, we feel expansive and energized, alive. There is no guarantee that each thing we pursue will work out the way we want, but we’re engaged, living fully, learning and growing. And generally when we act from inspiration we increase the likelihood of getting positive results because other people want to be around us and join us in whatever we’re doing.

Many of us have a hard time living inspired lives, partially because of the pressures of day-to-day life, but mostly because we don’t have a clear understanding of how to do so. Even when we have glimpses of inspiration, very quickly we cover up our inspired selves with layers and layers of distractions, hurt feelings from the past that caution us to be careful, the need to be right, the need to fix other people, old fears and self-doubt. And when we listen to all this crap we can no longer hear our own inspired voices.

Listen to your inspired voice

Inspiration is not always grandiose. It may not be about changing THE world, it may be about changing the way you treat your partner or child. Or it may be about speaking the truth when it is unpopular, or committing an act of kindness when it is inconvenient. Or it may be about writing that article or song you’ve been waiting to write, discovering the artist within, or about something you’ve not yet imagined.

We moved away from our life in Santa Fe not because it was bad, but because after we tapped into our inspiration during those five weeks in Hawaii, we said, “This is how we want to live all the time.” Now we’re here and we’re not on vacation any more, but we are doing very specific daily practices to reconnect with our inspiration. We believe this is part of why we came here, to learn how to live inspired lives and share what we learn with other people.

Our work at liveconscious.com offers ways to find and speak with your inspired voice. We hope you will join us for a free webinar, this coming Sunday.

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Is Your Compassion Conditional or Unconditional?

Are you a compassionate person? I suspect that most people will answer by saying things like, “most of the time,” or “generally, yes.” But I’m intentionally looking for a “yes” or a “no” answer. And although this may cause some people to squirm a little, there’s a reason I ask the question this way.

We are living in a culture in which we seem to think that just about everything is conditional. For example, I think of myself as compassionate, but when we recently sold our home and our neighbor extorted us for money, I had no compassion for him. This suggests that I have compassion for you unless you do something to hurt me, then I don’t. Such compassion is conditional. In other words, how you treat me determines how I treat you. If you hurt me, I feel justified in hurting you.

Is everything conditional?

If everything is conditional (also sometimes called “transactional”), what are the core principles that we live by? This is my concern with the current Trump era. I am concerned that our highest values are being eroded. For example, to talk about groping women and then justify the comment as “locker room banter” doesn’t make it okay. That suggests that it’s okay to talk about women disrespectfully in one situation (the locker room), and then talk about them differently (respectfully) in other situations, and claim that you respect women. But if you respect women then you only talk about them respectfully—all the time.

Some things are conditional

There is nothing wrong with certain behaviors and values being conditional. We spend most of our lives living in safety consciousness—establishing boundaries, making agreements, holding people accountable and being held accountable—which is all pretty conditional. For me to trust you and feel safe with you I need you to do certain things—those are my conditions. For me to follow through on my commitments I expect certain considerations—those are my conditions.

I believe that love between adults is conditional. For me to love you I need you to behave in certain ways and honor certain agreements—those are my conditions. I know many people who believe love between adults is unconditional. This creates many challenges—“If you love me you’ll accept my poor behavior. If you love me you’ll give me another chance. If you love me you’ll forgive my transgressions.”

I’m not saying that love is always conditional. It depends on what level of consciousness I’m in. In our Live Conscious community we make distinctions between different levels of consciousness and this helps people sort out when love is conditional and when it’s unconditional. When I’m in safety consciousness, which is where I am most of the time, love is conditional—appropriately so.

However, when I shift from safety to heart consciousness, love becomes unconditional. Why is love different in heart consciousness? Because, in heart consciousness my love is not derived from another person, but from within myself. My love is not dependent on another behaving in certain ways, but from recognizing the beauty that surrounds me and the miracle of being alive. In heart consciousness love is not earned; it is energized.

And some things are not conditional

Although love may be conditional, I believe other qualities are not. Even when I live in safety consciousness, there are several qualities I live by regardless of how other people treat me. They are unconditional. They have nothing to do with other people. For example, for me, honesty, integrity, and kindness are unconditional.

I am honest whether or not you are honest. I believe I can say whatever I need to say in a kind way, regardless of how you speak to me. My integrity is not contingent upon how you behave.

Is compassion conditional?

Is compassion something I practice with one person, but not another? Is compassion something I extend to you, but not myself? Is compassion something I practice in public but not in the “locker room”? Or, am I compassionate with all people, including myself, all the time? Why would I think that honesty is unconditional, but compassion is conditional?

My understanding is that some values and behaviors are based on reciprocity—there is an exchange. This is what I was saying earlier about love between adults, it involves an exchange. What you give to me and how you treat me influences what I give to you and how I treat you. I share, you share. I invest in us, you invest in us. We don’t each have to give exactly the same thing or in the same amount, as long as the exchange we make works for both of us.

Love will ebb and flow. When one person invests more in a relationship they are likely to earn more love. At times when the reciprocity gets out of whack, that’s when we need to make a course correction—go to couples counseling, attend a Live Conscious retreat—and we reestablish the flow and reciprocity that keeps our love alive.

What about honesty?

For me, honesty is different. It is not predicated upon any kind of exchange, but rather my personal intention to live my life in a certain way—regardless of what others do or don’t do. I am honest with you not because you are honest with me, but because being honest simplifies my life and eliminates confusion. Same thing for integrity. It is something I choose for myself regardless of what others choose.

So, what about compassion? Is your compassion conditional, dependent upon how others behave and how they treat you? Or, is compassion like honesty and integrity, a way of being that you choose for yourself, regardless of what others do?

Maybe answering the following questions will help you identify your relationship with compassion.

Do you have compassion for Donald Trump?
Do you have compassion for the person you believe wronged you?
What happens after you are impatient with a loved one? The first question to ask is do you have compassion for the other person, but the second question is equally worth asking—do you have compassion for yourself . . . after you have behaved in a way that you don’t feel good about?

Compassion is not forgiveness

As you answer these questions, please consider that there is a difference between compassion and forgiveness. I’m not suggesting that because we are compassionate we condone inappropriate behaviors or forgive them. Compassion does not mean passivity; it can be the roots of activism.

Compassion comes from recognizing suffering and then doing something to alleviate it—taking action. People suffer from being abused as well as being abusers. They also suffer from their own ignorance and limitations. Can I recognize such suffering without judging the person as being good or bad? When I don’t understand other people I often judge them. And when I don’t understand myself I often guilt myself.

Severe judgment and guilt both inhibit connection and compassion. When I say “severe judgment” I mean labeling people as bad. This is different than objecting to their behaviors or even judging their behaviors as being inappropriate. After I severely judge someone as being bad, it’s hard to find compassion for him or her. I can’t easily connect with others when I guilt myself. I can’t easily connect with you when you guilt yourself; guilt is a wall. Severe judgments and guilt both limit connection. Compassion builds connection.

Compassion comes from asking, “What is this experience like for you?” not “What would this be like for me if I were in your shoes?” When I ask the latter question I interject myself into the situation. It becomes about me, my feelings, my beliefs, my values. This is why Live Conscious makes it easier for people to be compassionate, because we learn how to witness people without making whatever they are going through be about us.

What values are unconditional in your life?

I hope you take time to consider the questions in this article. For you, what values are conditional, dependent upon how other people behave? And, what values are unconditional?

I have always liked the word “congruent,” and believe that living a congruent life is the key to living a satisfying life. For me to be congruent means that I live according to a few unconditional values. When I deviate from my values I am no longer being congruent. When there is a gap between what I say I value (honesty, integrity, kindness and compassion) and how I actually live, I’m being incongruent.

To justify not living according to my values (honesty, integrity, kindness and compassion) because of some condition—internal (how I feel) or external (how you treat me)—is an excuse for being incongruent. And here’s a question for you, “In those times when we are incongruent, should we be compassionate with ourselves?”

Based on my definition of compassion, “Compassion comes from recognizing suffering and then doing something to alleviate it,” my answer is “yes.” First I seek to understand my own incongruence and then I do something to alleviate it.

When I lacked compassion for my neighbor after he extorted us for money, it was largely because I was preoccupied with my suffering, “How could he do this to me?” Only after I recognized my own incongruence—I don’t want to victimize myself, but sometimes I do—did I realize that I was giving my neighbor the power to determine how I felt. I took the time to understand that he was acting out of his own fears and judgments about me, and if I had those fears and judgments I would be doing the same thing he was doing. The action I took to alleviate suffering—at least my own, maybe his—was to communicate with him that I regretted the way things turned out and I wished him the best.

I did relieve my suffering; I don’t know what it did for him. It cost me nothing. It’s how I choose to live my life and it supported my belief that compassion can be unconditional.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How To Deal With Despair

What emotion do you find most challenging? For me, it’s despair. I leave myself empty with despair. I used to find it hard to see any value at all in despair. Despair is not like anger—with anger I can motivate myself in constructive ways. It’s not like depression—when I depress myself I often gain valuable insights. Despair is unique because it lacks energy. But there are valuable lessons to be learned from despair.

The word “emotion” means, “to move.” Emotions make us move, stimulate us to take action. That’s their purpose. Those actions can be as simple as expressing ourselves through laughter, or as dramatic as rushing into danger to rescue a person we love.

And whether we talk about the so-called “positive” emotions such as joy and trust, or “negative” emotions such as anger and disgust—what they all share in common is that they contain energy. I move myself (energetically) forward when I experience joy and trust. I move myself (energetically) backward—pulling away, withdrawing—when I anger or disgust myself. With all emotions I feel the impulse to move—except despair.

Despair is unique in that it lacks energy—leaving me empty and hopeless

Yet, I have learned two valuable lessons from the times when I have despaired myself.

I have discovered deeper compassion.
And I have experienced greater resiliency.

Compassion for people who experience despair, and resiliency from having lived through my own despair. Despair, like all emotions is temporary. I can go into any emotion and if I move myself—instead of resist myself—then I come out of that emotion.

The reason despair is more challenging than other emotions is because it lacks energy, therefore it lacks expression. And without expression—movement—emotions last longer.

There are a few ways to deal with despair that I have found to be very helpful.

1). Consider that despair is actually a blanket emotion, meaning it is covering something else that I don’t want to feel or deal with. When this is the case I can help myself by finding ways to express my despair. This may involve drawing, writing, speaking. Ask yourself, “What does my despair look like or sound like?” Draw what it looks like or make a sound that conveys the feeling. It doesn’t matter how you do it, but find a way to express your despair and it’s likely that you’ll find yourself in the emotion you have been covering up.

2) Recognize that nothing means anything other than the meaning you give it. So, take whatever it is that contributes to your despair and alter the meaning. Explore some different questions, for example, “What might I learn from this experience? What is this experience asking of me?” Or, imagine a person you know and admire, someone who has passed away and ask, “Would that person want to be alive if they had to deal with my situation?” Another approach, “What would I tell my best friend if they were in my shoes?” The point with all of these questions is to loosen up the meaning you are making and gain a new perspective.

3) Realize that there is a good chance you are being narcissistic. Most people suffering from despair are indulging in their pain. Not everyone, some people are facing terribly difficult circumstance, but not most of us.

Despair is very often a self-indulgent emotion—we indulge in our fantasy of how hopeless our situation is. If in actuality, our circumstances are truly horrific, then other emotions may be more appropriate than despair. So, why despair? Because despair keeps me from feeling what I don’t want to feel. That’s the function of despair. And this is where compassion helps—recognizing that I am afraid of feeling my deeper feelings. As soon as I acknowledge that I am scared, I open a doorway, a way out of despair.

Finally, I believe that despair is an intellectual emotion, not a primal emotion. It comes as a result of thinking too much. So don’t overthink this. Go do something, anything—jumping jacks, take run or a swim, do Tai Chi, dance, or go outside and work in the garden. Plant your seeds of despair in the soil and you may surprise yourself with what grows—you do.

 

 

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