Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 124
November 11, 2014
Harry Potter
SERIES TITLE: Harry Potter
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
RATING: Either PG or PG-13, depending on fantasy violence, brief language, and disturbing moments
GRADE: Pass
It takes many movies to tell the story of a young prodigy wizard named Harry Potter. His parents were slain by the dark sorcerer Voldemort and he grew up in a foster family that never gave a damn about him. And yet, with each year at Hogwarts School of Wizardry, this everyday boy continues to impress as he gets closer to saving the world from Voldemort and his dark forces. But of course, Harry’s tale is so famous that a synopsis is almost unnecessary. You’d have to be living under a rock to not see him grow up into the powerful man he was by the end of the series.
I always give praise to fantasy and sci-fi movies that establish limits on a wizard’s power. With Star Wars, every Jedi was blessed with light saber skills and telepathic powers. In Harry Potter, the students’ magical prowess is what you’d expect of someone who isn’t blessed with beginner’s luck. Harry and his friends can only do so much with knock back spells and defensive shields. They’re not fireball slingers and lightning bolt throwers. And yet, this little bit of power is enhanced with creativity and slick thinking on Harry’s part. In the end, brains will always defeat brawn.
The one aspect of each movie that pulls at my heartstrings every time is the relationships between Harry and his fellow students. From the beginning, he establishes a close kinship with Ron Weasley and his family, so much so that Harry is allowed to stay at their house when he argues with his own foster family. And then you have the lovely Emma Watson’s character Hermione Granger, who is the very essence of a strong feminine character. She can take care of herself, but at the same time she stays loyal to those who need her. The romantic undertones are that much more believable with a strong female lead as opposed to a Mary-Sue.
Harry also has a profound influence on minor characters as evidenced in their trust of him when the authoritarian teacher Dolores Umbridge takes over Hogwarts. Strong characters make for a strong story. In the case of Harry Potter, they’re more memorable than the sorcery used to combat evil.
If you want an idea of how much of a strong bond the characters have with each other, listen to this. The actors who portrayed those characters were actually getting brokenhearted when the Harry Potter series was coming to a close. The audience was feeling their pain of loss every step of the way. Your heart would sink to the bottom too if you even heard a rumor about Emma Watson having tears in her eyes, knowing how much of an influence she had on the series.
But it’s true: the Harry Potter movies are finished and the actors have gone their separate ways. They’re closing the door on their final project, but the memories and the magic remain. Every spell cast, every enchantment placed, every scream of pain, every tear of joy, every bright smile, they’re not going away that easily despite the ending of a long running series. Each of these movies took a piece of our hearts and imagination with them. The audience has been begging JK Rowling, the mastermind behind the books that were eventually made into movies, for more Harry Potter stories. When the magic is that strong, it can’t be ruined by some jerk-ass saying “Get a life”. I can only close this out by saying one thing: long live Harry Potter!
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
RATING: Either PG or PG-13, depending on fantasy violence, brief language, and disturbing moments
GRADE: Pass
It takes many movies to tell the story of a young prodigy wizard named Harry Potter. His parents were slain by the dark sorcerer Voldemort and he grew up in a foster family that never gave a damn about him. And yet, with each year at Hogwarts School of Wizardry, this everyday boy continues to impress as he gets closer to saving the world from Voldemort and his dark forces. But of course, Harry’s tale is so famous that a synopsis is almost unnecessary. You’d have to be living under a rock to not see him grow up into the powerful man he was by the end of the series.
I always give praise to fantasy and sci-fi movies that establish limits on a wizard’s power. With Star Wars, every Jedi was blessed with light saber skills and telepathic powers. In Harry Potter, the students’ magical prowess is what you’d expect of someone who isn’t blessed with beginner’s luck. Harry and his friends can only do so much with knock back spells and defensive shields. They’re not fireball slingers and lightning bolt throwers. And yet, this little bit of power is enhanced with creativity and slick thinking on Harry’s part. In the end, brains will always defeat brawn.
The one aspect of each movie that pulls at my heartstrings every time is the relationships between Harry and his fellow students. From the beginning, he establishes a close kinship with Ron Weasley and his family, so much so that Harry is allowed to stay at their house when he argues with his own foster family. And then you have the lovely Emma Watson’s character Hermione Granger, who is the very essence of a strong feminine character. She can take care of herself, but at the same time she stays loyal to those who need her. The romantic undertones are that much more believable with a strong female lead as opposed to a Mary-Sue.
Harry also has a profound influence on minor characters as evidenced in their trust of him when the authoritarian teacher Dolores Umbridge takes over Hogwarts. Strong characters make for a strong story. In the case of Harry Potter, they’re more memorable than the sorcery used to combat evil.
If you want an idea of how much of a strong bond the characters have with each other, listen to this. The actors who portrayed those characters were actually getting brokenhearted when the Harry Potter series was coming to a close. The audience was feeling their pain of loss every step of the way. Your heart would sink to the bottom too if you even heard a rumor about Emma Watson having tears in her eyes, knowing how much of an influence she had on the series.
But it’s true: the Harry Potter movies are finished and the actors have gone their separate ways. They’re closing the door on their final project, but the memories and the magic remain. Every spell cast, every enchantment placed, every scream of pain, every tear of joy, every bright smile, they’re not going away that easily despite the ending of a long running series. Each of these movies took a piece of our hearts and imagination with them. The audience has been begging JK Rowling, the mastermind behind the books that were eventually made into movies, for more Harry Potter stories. When the magic is that strong, it can’t be ruined by some jerk-ass saying “Get a life”. I can only close this out by saying one thing: long live Harry Potter!
November 7, 2014
Marcus Edge
Diablo II: Lord of Destruction wasn’t just a videogame for me back in the early 2000’s; it was an influence. It was a digital drug. I killed the brothers of evil over and over again as time passed into the 2010’s. I used a variety of characters to do it, but my favorites were the barbarian and the paladin since they were both badass brawlers. Then again, any character class from that game can be a badass brawler if the right skills were chosen.
Which brings me to the druid class. Druids, like any other character, had a skill set sorted out into three categories. The ones particular to him were elemental magic spells, shape-shifting spells, and summoning spells. If you’re playing Diablo II and you want to turn your druid into a brawler, put your skill points into the shape-shifting category, particularly were-bear transformation and maul. How the hell are Diablo’s minions supposed to compete with a big ass bear who only gets stronger and hungrier with every blow?
The answer to that question is easier than you think, unfortunately. When druids transform into were-bears, their attack speed is significantly slower. Even when they’re armed with weapons with a very fast attack speed, the strikes still come slowly and awkwardly.
Now imagine if the druid was armed with something heavy like a great maul, which has a very slow attack speed. If he transformed into a bear, his new attack speed would be so slow his victims would look like Matrix characters with how easily they dodge the strikes. Now imagine if your ursine druid was frozen, which slows down running and attack speed. Duriel, the boss enemy for act two, has a freezing aura around him at all times. Do the math and you’ll see right away that tortoises don’t always beat hares.
This was the story for a druid I played with named Marcus Edge. If that name seems familiar to you, you were probably logged onto Deviant Art and reading a story called The Meaning of Laugh, which was about a raunchy comedian of the same name who has a heart attack on stage. That story won’t be published in any short story anthologies anytime soon due to the crappy writing style I employed in 2012.
The Diablo II version of Marcus Edge was a lethal warrior. His slowness, however, made it impossible to defeat Duriel and I ultimately deleted him from my archives. But this doesn’t mean his career in a creative field is over. Druids in general are fascinating to me. As an animal lover, I should know this, because druids specialize in summoning and transforming into these furry creatures. If I ever write another dark fantasy story and need a druid, I would gladly use Marcus Edge as my main character. Perhaps he can get notoriety in more ways than his name being used for a crappy comedian character.
***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***
“When I was playing Final Fantasy videogames as a child, I’d always wondered what the hell a ‘phoenix down’ was. I knew what it did, but I didn’t know why it was called that. Turns out this whole time I’ve been sprinkling bird feathers on my unconscious warriors. Smelling salts would be more practical, but they probably wouldn’t conform to the magical element of Final Fantasy games.”
-Me-
Which brings me to the druid class. Druids, like any other character, had a skill set sorted out into three categories. The ones particular to him were elemental magic spells, shape-shifting spells, and summoning spells. If you’re playing Diablo II and you want to turn your druid into a brawler, put your skill points into the shape-shifting category, particularly were-bear transformation and maul. How the hell are Diablo’s minions supposed to compete with a big ass bear who only gets stronger and hungrier with every blow?
The answer to that question is easier than you think, unfortunately. When druids transform into were-bears, their attack speed is significantly slower. Even when they’re armed with weapons with a very fast attack speed, the strikes still come slowly and awkwardly.
Now imagine if the druid was armed with something heavy like a great maul, which has a very slow attack speed. If he transformed into a bear, his new attack speed would be so slow his victims would look like Matrix characters with how easily they dodge the strikes. Now imagine if your ursine druid was frozen, which slows down running and attack speed. Duriel, the boss enemy for act two, has a freezing aura around him at all times. Do the math and you’ll see right away that tortoises don’t always beat hares.
This was the story for a druid I played with named Marcus Edge. If that name seems familiar to you, you were probably logged onto Deviant Art and reading a story called The Meaning of Laugh, which was about a raunchy comedian of the same name who has a heart attack on stage. That story won’t be published in any short story anthologies anytime soon due to the crappy writing style I employed in 2012.
The Diablo II version of Marcus Edge was a lethal warrior. His slowness, however, made it impossible to defeat Duriel and I ultimately deleted him from my archives. But this doesn’t mean his career in a creative field is over. Druids in general are fascinating to me. As an animal lover, I should know this, because druids specialize in summoning and transforming into these furry creatures. If I ever write another dark fantasy story and need a druid, I would gladly use Marcus Edge as my main character. Perhaps he can get notoriety in more ways than his name being used for a crappy comedian character.
***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***
“When I was playing Final Fantasy videogames as a child, I’d always wondered what the hell a ‘phoenix down’ was. I knew what it did, but I didn’t know why it was called that. Turns out this whole time I’ve been sprinkling bird feathers on my unconscious warriors. Smelling salts would be more practical, but they probably wouldn’t conform to the magical element of Final Fantasy games.”
-Me-
November 6, 2014
WWE Hell in a Cell: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
TITLE: WWE Hell in a Cell: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and brief language
GRADE: Pass
A Hell in a Cell match is more than a typical steel cage fight. In this case, the cage surrounds the entire ring and exposes the concrete floor. You can’t win the match by escape because there is no escape. It’s just you and your opponent inside a wire mesh cage with no rules or regulations to hold you back. As heel commentator JBL so appropriately puts it, the only limit to your attack is your imagination. Dean Ambrose has a wild imagination in case you couldn’t tell from his erratic behavior. Seth Rollins can be just as sadistic and crazy. The first Hell in a Cell match between John Cena and Randy Orton was…acceptable. But this main event match between Ambrose and Rollins was going to steal the show.
Normally a match of this caliber would start in the ring and the bell would sound off three times to start the battle. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that. Carrying a kendo stick like a samurai sword with him, he wanted to start on TOP of the cell. Seth Rollins along with his two stooges Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble were (kind of) happy to humor him. Mercury and Noble got kendo stick welts for their troubles and Rollins and Ambrose fell off the cage and crashed through the English and Spanish-speaking announce tables.
It could have been over before it started. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that ending. He got off of his stretcher and chased Seth Rollins down before throwing him in the cell to officially start the match. Once the bell rung three times, these two warriors brutalized each other. They used chairs, sticks, steel stairs, and wooden tables, all in an effort to achieve victory. Corporate Kane was outside the cell and interfered by blasting Ambrose in the face with a fire extinguisher. That didn’t cool off the fire in the Lunatic Fringe’s belly. He wasn’t just pissed off at Seth Rollins; he had a bloodlust for him. He wanted to torture and twist him in the most painful ways possible.
Dean Ambrose was so close to exacting his revenge when he put an unconscious Seth Rollins’ head on top of cinder blocks to set up for Rollins’ own finisher move, the curb stomp. And then the arena went black and strange tongues were being spoken with a lantern and a ghost in the center of the ring. The speaker of that tongues was none other than the hypnotic and frightening Bray Wyatt, who downed Dean Ambrose with a spinning face buster and allowed Seth Rollins to cover Ambrose for the 1-2-3 pin. The match is over, but the emotional scars bleed like waterfalls and the physical pains burn like hellfire.
And now for the actual critique. To put it shortly, this match was as violent and psychotic as anybody could ask for. The blood was minimal, but the pain was at its maximum with the creative use of weaponry and the multi-story fall from the start of the match. This wasn’t just a wrestling match; this was a fight for survival. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins beat each other so badly after that fall it was amazing they didn’t have a hearse parked outside the arena. You’re damn right they were sore and bruised.
Believe it or not, the finish to the match where Bray Wyatt interfered didn’t bother me in the least bit. Yes, I wanted to see Dean Ambrose curb stomp Seth Rollins’ head into powder and slush. But then again, Bray Wyatt had been off of WWE television for a long time and needed a grand reintroduction. And now that the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view is in the books, we’re looking at a rivalry between Ambrose and Wyatt.
You know what that means? It means two crazies, two psychopaths are going to tear each other apart at some point. Dean Ambrose is like The Joker and Bray Wyatt is like Charles Manson. The two wrestlers have the mindset of serial killers and if they have to bleed each other out to get to the climax of their battle, well, let me put it his way: Seth Rollins is the luckiest guy on the planet. If these two loony tunes play enough mind games with each other for long enough, one of those minds will be running down a sewer drain while the other is bleeding with psychological trauma.
What you have to remember when watching WWE is everything happens for a reason. All you have to do as a fan is wait patiently for your favorites to triumph. It’s not an instant situation. It takes time for a climax to launch. Lots of time.
When Daniel Bryan was screwed out of the WWE Title at Summer Slam 2013, it took him until Wrestlemania XXX, which is an April 2014 pay-per-view to regain it. The point of this analogy is if you’re a fan and you want to see Seth Rollins get brutalized over and over again, but eventually for a final time, wait patiently. WWE waited patiently for Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins to climax and it paid off in the most violent way possible, which is why this match in particular gets a passing grade.
GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and brief language
GRADE: Pass
A Hell in a Cell match is more than a typical steel cage fight. In this case, the cage surrounds the entire ring and exposes the concrete floor. You can’t win the match by escape because there is no escape. It’s just you and your opponent inside a wire mesh cage with no rules or regulations to hold you back. As heel commentator JBL so appropriately puts it, the only limit to your attack is your imagination. Dean Ambrose has a wild imagination in case you couldn’t tell from his erratic behavior. Seth Rollins can be just as sadistic and crazy. The first Hell in a Cell match between John Cena and Randy Orton was…acceptable. But this main event match between Ambrose and Rollins was going to steal the show.
Normally a match of this caliber would start in the ring and the bell would sound off three times to start the battle. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that. Carrying a kendo stick like a samurai sword with him, he wanted to start on TOP of the cell. Seth Rollins along with his two stooges Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble were (kind of) happy to humor him. Mercury and Noble got kendo stick welts for their troubles and Rollins and Ambrose fell off the cage and crashed through the English and Spanish-speaking announce tables.
It could have been over before it started. Dean Ambrose didn’t want that ending. He got off of his stretcher and chased Seth Rollins down before throwing him in the cell to officially start the match. Once the bell rung three times, these two warriors brutalized each other. They used chairs, sticks, steel stairs, and wooden tables, all in an effort to achieve victory. Corporate Kane was outside the cell and interfered by blasting Ambrose in the face with a fire extinguisher. That didn’t cool off the fire in the Lunatic Fringe’s belly. He wasn’t just pissed off at Seth Rollins; he had a bloodlust for him. He wanted to torture and twist him in the most painful ways possible.
Dean Ambrose was so close to exacting his revenge when he put an unconscious Seth Rollins’ head on top of cinder blocks to set up for Rollins’ own finisher move, the curb stomp. And then the arena went black and strange tongues were being spoken with a lantern and a ghost in the center of the ring. The speaker of that tongues was none other than the hypnotic and frightening Bray Wyatt, who downed Dean Ambrose with a spinning face buster and allowed Seth Rollins to cover Ambrose for the 1-2-3 pin. The match is over, but the emotional scars bleed like waterfalls and the physical pains burn like hellfire.
And now for the actual critique. To put it shortly, this match was as violent and psychotic as anybody could ask for. The blood was minimal, but the pain was at its maximum with the creative use of weaponry and the multi-story fall from the start of the match. This wasn’t just a wrestling match; this was a fight for survival. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins beat each other so badly after that fall it was amazing they didn’t have a hearse parked outside the arena. You’re damn right they were sore and bruised.
Believe it or not, the finish to the match where Bray Wyatt interfered didn’t bother me in the least bit. Yes, I wanted to see Dean Ambrose curb stomp Seth Rollins’ head into powder and slush. But then again, Bray Wyatt had been off of WWE television for a long time and needed a grand reintroduction. And now that the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view is in the books, we’re looking at a rivalry between Ambrose and Wyatt.
You know what that means? It means two crazies, two psychopaths are going to tear each other apart at some point. Dean Ambrose is like The Joker and Bray Wyatt is like Charles Manson. The two wrestlers have the mindset of serial killers and if they have to bleed each other out to get to the climax of their battle, well, let me put it his way: Seth Rollins is the luckiest guy on the planet. If these two loony tunes play enough mind games with each other for long enough, one of those minds will be running down a sewer drain while the other is bleeding with psychological trauma.
What you have to remember when watching WWE is everything happens for a reason. All you have to do as a fan is wait patiently for your favorites to triumph. It’s not an instant situation. It takes time for a climax to launch. Lots of time.
When Daniel Bryan was screwed out of the WWE Title at Summer Slam 2013, it took him until Wrestlemania XXX, which is an April 2014 pay-per-view to regain it. The point of this analogy is if you’re a fan and you want to see Seth Rollins get brutalized over and over again, but eventually for a final time, wait patiently. WWE waited patiently for Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins to climax and it paid off in the most violent way possible, which is why this match in particular gets a passing grade.
November 5, 2014
Athoptlorys
If you’re seeing this character’s name and you have no idea how to pronounce it, here’s a little something to help you out: “uh-THOPT-low-riss”. Now that you know how to say the man’s name, it’s time to tell you a little about him. Usually when somebody has such a mystical singular name, it always means trouble. That trouble comes in the form of a dark lord who wants to turn the entire world into one nation under his rule.
If he should ever come into power, he could make your life a living hell. Getting your documents checked and your blood alcohol level tested are the least of your problems under an Athoptlorys dictatorship. Getting shoved into death camps and harvested for energy? That sounds like something from The Matrix, but when it comes to sadistic villainy and blood-stained worlds, nobody has a monopoly on that.
In order to create such a dystopian nation, you have to consider what kind of world Athoptlorys is trying to rule. Judging from the main villain’s devilish name, it sounds like he’s trying to control a dark fantasy world. But why stop there? Why not dominate the sci-fi genre as well? The earth is divided not by nations, but by time periods. There are separate nations for the dark ages, the prehistoric era, the steam punk revolution, and there’s even one nation dedicated to the space opera genre despite not being in space. This world is a lot like Chrono Trigger, but it’s all jam packed into one world we all must share.
How exactly do you do that? How do you share a world with dinosaurs, barbarians, alien warriors, Egyptian mummies, Chinese dictators, and Japanese warlords when all of these people and more want to kill the main character? And how do you cram all of these time zones and cultures into one prose? It would either have to be a series of novels or one novel the size of Webster’s Dictionary. If Athoptlorys is to create one nation under his thumb, he’s got a shit ton of work to do. He’d better be really powerful or at least have a lot of powerful minions. You think a T-Rex is going to surrender peacefully to someone who wants to use his carcass for food and energy? Bullshit, man!
If this nameless novel actually came to fruition, one of two things would have to happen. Either Athoptlorys would become the almighty god of this earth or the various cultures across time would consume each other in a scorched world apocalypse. If you thought our current world nations don’t get along with their Muslim vs. Christian gimmick, try pitting an army of crusaders against a multi-story tall blob monster whom they perceive to be the devil in another form. These time periods include early stages of racial, religious, and sexual prejudice. A black lesbian nun might fare well in one part of the world, but not in another.
That also begs the question of who would be the biggest threat to the main hero: Athoptlorys or this hodgepodge of time zones? Yes, dark lords are always sadistic and powerful, but this is a thunder dome of hatred we’re talking about here. If an ordinary person can survive both the forces of Athoptlorys’ government and the forces of prejudice, then he’s not only a hero in my book, he’s a god. He could start his own religion and lead the people of earth to a peaceful future where cultures get along and nobody has to worry about whether they’re going to survive another day in hell. The main hero would definitely have a push to the top of the literary charts, but when approaching this novel, it’s important not to shoot myself in the foot and make things TOO impossible.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“When did we become these sinking stones? When did we build this broken home? Holding each other like ransom notes. Dropping our hearts to grip our brother’s throat.”
-Nothing More singing “This Is the Time (Ballast)”-
If he should ever come into power, he could make your life a living hell. Getting your documents checked and your blood alcohol level tested are the least of your problems under an Athoptlorys dictatorship. Getting shoved into death camps and harvested for energy? That sounds like something from The Matrix, but when it comes to sadistic villainy and blood-stained worlds, nobody has a monopoly on that.
In order to create such a dystopian nation, you have to consider what kind of world Athoptlorys is trying to rule. Judging from the main villain’s devilish name, it sounds like he’s trying to control a dark fantasy world. But why stop there? Why not dominate the sci-fi genre as well? The earth is divided not by nations, but by time periods. There are separate nations for the dark ages, the prehistoric era, the steam punk revolution, and there’s even one nation dedicated to the space opera genre despite not being in space. This world is a lot like Chrono Trigger, but it’s all jam packed into one world we all must share.
How exactly do you do that? How do you share a world with dinosaurs, barbarians, alien warriors, Egyptian mummies, Chinese dictators, and Japanese warlords when all of these people and more want to kill the main character? And how do you cram all of these time zones and cultures into one prose? It would either have to be a series of novels or one novel the size of Webster’s Dictionary. If Athoptlorys is to create one nation under his thumb, he’s got a shit ton of work to do. He’d better be really powerful or at least have a lot of powerful minions. You think a T-Rex is going to surrender peacefully to someone who wants to use his carcass for food and energy? Bullshit, man!
If this nameless novel actually came to fruition, one of two things would have to happen. Either Athoptlorys would become the almighty god of this earth or the various cultures across time would consume each other in a scorched world apocalypse. If you thought our current world nations don’t get along with their Muslim vs. Christian gimmick, try pitting an army of crusaders against a multi-story tall blob monster whom they perceive to be the devil in another form. These time periods include early stages of racial, religious, and sexual prejudice. A black lesbian nun might fare well in one part of the world, but not in another.
That also begs the question of who would be the biggest threat to the main hero: Athoptlorys or this hodgepodge of time zones? Yes, dark lords are always sadistic and powerful, but this is a thunder dome of hatred we’re talking about here. If an ordinary person can survive both the forces of Athoptlorys’ government and the forces of prejudice, then he’s not only a hero in my book, he’s a god. He could start his own religion and lead the people of earth to a peaceful future where cultures get along and nobody has to worry about whether they’re going to survive another day in hell. The main hero would definitely have a push to the top of the literary charts, but when approaching this novel, it’s important not to shoot myself in the foot and make things TOO impossible.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“When did we become these sinking stones? When did we build this broken home? Holding each other like ransom notes. Dropping our hearts to grip our brother’s throat.”
-Nothing More singing “This Is the Time (Ballast)”-
November 4, 2014
Clerks
MOVIE TITLE: Clerks
GENRE: Independent Comedy
RATING: R for graphic language and sexual themes
GRADE: Pass
Convenience store clerk Dante Hicks is called into work on his day off and has to deal with a barrage of moronic customers from anti-smoking zealots to tabloid freaks to egg sorters to even two drug dealers named Jay and Silent Bob. To pass the time, Dante has philosophical pop culture conversations with his best friend Randal Graves, who works at the video store across the street. Dante’s love life is on the line as well as he contemplates keeping his loyal girlfriend Veronica or shacking up with his high school sweetheart Caitlin. All of the nasty things that happen to Dante reiterate his catchphrase “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” again and again.
Because it’s an R-rated movie, Clerks relies heavily upon crude sexual humor, the most prominent examples being the significance of the number 37 (don’t ask), Randal ordering porn movies in front of young customers, and Dante and Randal having a conversation about nudie booth janitors in front of an easily offended customer.
There’s also humor in the antics of the stupid customers who torment Dante and Randal on a frequent basis, the opening example being a Chewley’s Gum salesmen who riles up a crowd of smokers to sell more gum. Others include the “milk maids” (women who look for jugs of milk with the latest expiration date), a girl who asks for an item’s price even though the sign is right behind her, and a perverted old man who takes a porn magazine into the bathroom and dies on the toilet.
If the humor doesn’t get you laughing until your ribs hurt, it should at least make you crack a smile. As funny as this movie is, it also has a serious side to it near the end. The lesson learned from Dante’s love triangle is to choose the girl who loves him the most. It should be obvious to him, but strong crushes and even stronger memories make choosing hard.
The other lesson this film teaches is to take responsibility for your own actions. Dante was offered chances to go to college with Veronica, but instead he stuck around at the convenience store and he has to pay for that with his misery. He also gets in a fight with Randal near the end because he believed everything that went wrong that day was Randal’s fault. In short, if you’re in your 20’s, act like it. You’re not in high school anymore; you’re a man. Reckless zeal will cost you valuable opportunities.
Is it any coincidence Clerks was the breakout film for now famous director Kevin Smith? Is it also any coincidence this movie was a multiple-time award winner? How about the fact this movie earned cult classic status? If your skin is thick enough to withstand the sexual humor, give Clerks a try. I first saw this movie in 1998 when I was 13 years old. I didn’t understand a lot of the humor at first, but looking back now, there’s a reason Clerks was a staple of my youth: because it’s that damn good.
GENRE: Independent Comedy
RATING: R for graphic language and sexual themes
GRADE: Pass
Convenience store clerk Dante Hicks is called into work on his day off and has to deal with a barrage of moronic customers from anti-smoking zealots to tabloid freaks to egg sorters to even two drug dealers named Jay and Silent Bob. To pass the time, Dante has philosophical pop culture conversations with his best friend Randal Graves, who works at the video store across the street. Dante’s love life is on the line as well as he contemplates keeping his loyal girlfriend Veronica or shacking up with his high school sweetheart Caitlin. All of the nasty things that happen to Dante reiterate his catchphrase “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” again and again.
Because it’s an R-rated movie, Clerks relies heavily upon crude sexual humor, the most prominent examples being the significance of the number 37 (don’t ask), Randal ordering porn movies in front of young customers, and Dante and Randal having a conversation about nudie booth janitors in front of an easily offended customer.
There’s also humor in the antics of the stupid customers who torment Dante and Randal on a frequent basis, the opening example being a Chewley’s Gum salesmen who riles up a crowd of smokers to sell more gum. Others include the “milk maids” (women who look for jugs of milk with the latest expiration date), a girl who asks for an item’s price even though the sign is right behind her, and a perverted old man who takes a porn magazine into the bathroom and dies on the toilet.
If the humor doesn’t get you laughing until your ribs hurt, it should at least make you crack a smile. As funny as this movie is, it also has a serious side to it near the end. The lesson learned from Dante’s love triangle is to choose the girl who loves him the most. It should be obvious to him, but strong crushes and even stronger memories make choosing hard.
The other lesson this film teaches is to take responsibility for your own actions. Dante was offered chances to go to college with Veronica, but instead he stuck around at the convenience store and he has to pay for that with his misery. He also gets in a fight with Randal near the end because he believed everything that went wrong that day was Randal’s fault. In short, if you’re in your 20’s, act like it. You’re not in high school anymore; you’re a man. Reckless zeal will cost you valuable opportunities.
Is it any coincidence Clerks was the breakout film for now famous director Kevin Smith? Is it also any coincidence this movie was a multiple-time award winner? How about the fact this movie earned cult classic status? If your skin is thick enough to withstand the sexual humor, give Clerks a try. I first saw this movie in 1998 when I was 13 years old. I didn’t understand a lot of the humor at first, but looking back now, there’s a reason Clerks was a staple of my youth: because it’s that damn good.
Tina Bryan
Correct me if I’m wrong, but with the addition of Tina, this marks the third character I’ve blogged about with the last name Bryan, the first two being Mario (schizophrenic college student) and Wade (D&D fighter). I swear I’m not doing that on purpose. In other words, Tina, Mario, and Wade are not related in any way. They’re not even from the same genre. But if you fan fiction junkies want to make something out of this, then I won’t try to stop you. In fact, I’ll applaud your creative minds with a standing ovation.
When I was writing a story called Hardcore Hell (formerly known as Hardcore Hate), Tina was nothing like Wade or Mario. In fact, she was what TV Tropes would refer to as Mrs. Fan Service. She was created to cater to the male crowd in a lot of ways. She was a sexy blond, she wore tight clothing, she was the lead guitarist of an all-girl metal band, and she was bisexual. The first moment in Hardcore Hell that should have made putters stand up was when Tina was flirting with the ultra-conservative paladin Gayle Rinehart and even kissed her on the lips. Despite her religious beliefs, Gayle put up very little resistance against the lesbian kiss. That’s fan service right there. And we all know by now I will do anything for my most loyal fans.
Tina Bryan was more than a sex object, though. Were you so blinded by her sexiness that you forgot she knew how to play the electric guitar? She was so talented she drew comparisons to Dimebag Darrell from Pantera and Max Cavalera from Soulfly. That kind of heavy metal talent doesn’t go unrecognized for long. She eventually joined an all-girl metal band called The Angry Amazons. The group’s gimmick was that they spread a politically liberal and radically feminist message in a mostly religious town called Leakee. They played one of their heaviest shows to a crowd of thousands and afterwards they were ambushed by Paladine’s Watchdogs before being crucified for the whole town to see. The members of the Angry Amazons died a slow and painful death.
The scene between Gayle and the Angry Amazons took place in heaven, where the deity of Gayle’s religion, Paladine, told her she was wrong in using her zeal to punish and persecute liberals. The lead singer of the Angry Amazons, Lara Spider, was even harsher than the loving god Gayle “worshipped” so much. Lara flat out told her she was disgusting and deserved to burn in hell for her sins. Tina took an entirely different approach to confronting a zealous member of Paladine’s order. The lesbian kiss and the flirting wasn’t just for fan service. It was a form of diplomacy. It was Tina’s way of letting Gayle know she was forgiven now that she learned her lessons. It was a smoking hot way of doing it, but it was convincing nonetheless.
The question becomes, now that Hardcore Hell has been exorcised from my library due to its irreparably bad writing, what do I do with the Angry Amazons? Will they get back together for another gig? But since this blog entry deals with one member specifically, what’s going to happen to Tina Bryan? Should she be discarded due to her being a “stereotype”? Should she be dismissed due to her being Mrs. Fan Service? To those of you who answered yes, I want to let you in on a little secret: fan service isn’t offensive. That’s why they call it fan service: because it’s service. Isn’t that right, Princess Leia? How about you, Crazy K? What’s the latest from Susanna from The Way Way Back? Not a goddamn thing, because Princess Leia, Crazy K, and Susanna don’t give a shit, that’s why. Tina Bryan shouldn’t give a shit either. She’s a badass heavy metal goddess and if she sees the light of day again, it’s going to happen despite criticism.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I’ll throw the first punch, ‘cause I’ve kept my mouth shut for far too long. Enough’s enough. And you say I’m wrong, but it feels right. And it’s about damn time. It’s been too long. Enough’s enough. Right between the eyes!”
-Nothing More singing “First Punch”-
When I was writing a story called Hardcore Hell (formerly known as Hardcore Hate), Tina was nothing like Wade or Mario. In fact, she was what TV Tropes would refer to as Mrs. Fan Service. She was created to cater to the male crowd in a lot of ways. She was a sexy blond, she wore tight clothing, she was the lead guitarist of an all-girl metal band, and she was bisexual. The first moment in Hardcore Hell that should have made putters stand up was when Tina was flirting with the ultra-conservative paladin Gayle Rinehart and even kissed her on the lips. Despite her religious beliefs, Gayle put up very little resistance against the lesbian kiss. That’s fan service right there. And we all know by now I will do anything for my most loyal fans.
Tina Bryan was more than a sex object, though. Were you so blinded by her sexiness that you forgot she knew how to play the electric guitar? She was so talented she drew comparisons to Dimebag Darrell from Pantera and Max Cavalera from Soulfly. That kind of heavy metal talent doesn’t go unrecognized for long. She eventually joined an all-girl metal band called The Angry Amazons. The group’s gimmick was that they spread a politically liberal and radically feminist message in a mostly religious town called Leakee. They played one of their heaviest shows to a crowd of thousands and afterwards they were ambushed by Paladine’s Watchdogs before being crucified for the whole town to see. The members of the Angry Amazons died a slow and painful death.
The scene between Gayle and the Angry Amazons took place in heaven, where the deity of Gayle’s religion, Paladine, told her she was wrong in using her zeal to punish and persecute liberals. The lead singer of the Angry Amazons, Lara Spider, was even harsher than the loving god Gayle “worshipped” so much. Lara flat out told her she was disgusting and deserved to burn in hell for her sins. Tina took an entirely different approach to confronting a zealous member of Paladine’s order. The lesbian kiss and the flirting wasn’t just for fan service. It was a form of diplomacy. It was Tina’s way of letting Gayle know she was forgiven now that she learned her lessons. It was a smoking hot way of doing it, but it was convincing nonetheless.
The question becomes, now that Hardcore Hell has been exorcised from my library due to its irreparably bad writing, what do I do with the Angry Amazons? Will they get back together for another gig? But since this blog entry deals with one member specifically, what’s going to happen to Tina Bryan? Should she be discarded due to her being a “stereotype”? Should she be dismissed due to her being Mrs. Fan Service? To those of you who answered yes, I want to let you in on a little secret: fan service isn’t offensive. That’s why they call it fan service: because it’s service. Isn’t that right, Princess Leia? How about you, Crazy K? What’s the latest from Susanna from The Way Way Back? Not a goddamn thing, because Princess Leia, Crazy K, and Susanna don’t give a shit, that’s why. Tina Bryan shouldn’t give a shit either. She’s a badass heavy metal goddess and if she sees the light of day again, it’s going to happen despite criticism.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I’ll throw the first punch, ‘cause I’ve kept my mouth shut for far too long. Enough’s enough. And you say I’m wrong, but it feels right. And it’s about damn time. It’s been too long. Enough’s enough. Right between the eyes!”
-Nothing More singing “First Punch”-
October 29, 2014
Dead Man Down
TITLE: Dead Man Down
GENRE: Crime Thriller
RATING: R for violence, language, and bullying scenes
GRADE: Mixed
Victor is a man with anger in his heart and revenge on his mind after his wife and child were murdered by mafia boss Alphonse Hoyt. To satisfy his vindictive needs, Victor infiltrates Mr. Hoyt’s crime syndicate in an attempt to find the right opportunity to kill the brutal boss. While Victor bides his time, he befriends a disfigured, yet beautiful neighbor named Beatrice, who at first wants to date him, but then blackmails him into exacting her revenge against the drunk driver who disfigured her in the first place. The entire movie is a struggle to find the balance between justice and vengeance as well as coldness and love.
The slow, dramatic pace, Victor’s convincing cover, and his relationship with the forlorn Beatrice make this movie a believable crime thriller. Everything was executed correctly from the shootings to the explosions. Plus, they were executed at the right time. The whole film is about a man who bides his time for the right moment to strike. Not only does he strike first, he strikes hard. Victor knows exactly what he’s up against and times his attacks perfectly so Alphonse Hoyt doesn’t suspect a thing.
Having said all of these things, you’re probably wondering why this movie receives a mixed grade rather than a passing one. The crime thriller conformity was perfectly done, but there’s one aspect of the movie that makes me cringe every time I think about it. Beatrice was disfigured in a drunk driving accident and as a result, the neighborhood kids bully her relentlessly. The bullies’ main gimmick is calling her a “monster” every time they see her and build “jokes” off of that. They even went so far as to carve the insult on her apartment door. These kids need to have the shit beaten out of them, but it never happens. They get away with everything they do and are never heard from again. As someone who experienced bullying in high school, this lackadaisical approach is sickening to me.
The other issue I have with this movie is the lack of screen time for Bad News Barrett, a WWE superstar whose role in the movie was so hyped up it’s the only reason I agreed to see it. Anybody who watches wrestling knows how convincing of a villain Mr. Barrett is. He enslaved John Cena, he led a team of rookies into destroying a WWE arena, he insults the crowd on a regular basis, and he just might win the Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic award for 2014 because he insulted a kid from the Make a Wish Foundation. With all of these evil credentials under Bad News Barrett’s belt, why would they make so little use of him? Why even bother calling Dead Man Down a WWE films production? Sounds like false advertising to me.
If you make the decision to watch this movie, do it because you love crime thrillers. If you’re doing it because you want to see revenge against bratty bullies or because you want to see Bad News Barrett kick some ass, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Despite the flaws this movie has, I can’t really hate it at all. I enjoyed the movie, but not enough to give it a passing grade.
GENRE: Crime Thriller
RATING: R for violence, language, and bullying scenes
GRADE: Mixed
Victor is a man with anger in his heart and revenge on his mind after his wife and child were murdered by mafia boss Alphonse Hoyt. To satisfy his vindictive needs, Victor infiltrates Mr. Hoyt’s crime syndicate in an attempt to find the right opportunity to kill the brutal boss. While Victor bides his time, he befriends a disfigured, yet beautiful neighbor named Beatrice, who at first wants to date him, but then blackmails him into exacting her revenge against the drunk driver who disfigured her in the first place. The entire movie is a struggle to find the balance between justice and vengeance as well as coldness and love.
The slow, dramatic pace, Victor’s convincing cover, and his relationship with the forlorn Beatrice make this movie a believable crime thriller. Everything was executed correctly from the shootings to the explosions. Plus, they were executed at the right time. The whole film is about a man who bides his time for the right moment to strike. Not only does he strike first, he strikes hard. Victor knows exactly what he’s up against and times his attacks perfectly so Alphonse Hoyt doesn’t suspect a thing.
Having said all of these things, you’re probably wondering why this movie receives a mixed grade rather than a passing one. The crime thriller conformity was perfectly done, but there’s one aspect of the movie that makes me cringe every time I think about it. Beatrice was disfigured in a drunk driving accident and as a result, the neighborhood kids bully her relentlessly. The bullies’ main gimmick is calling her a “monster” every time they see her and build “jokes” off of that. They even went so far as to carve the insult on her apartment door. These kids need to have the shit beaten out of them, but it never happens. They get away with everything they do and are never heard from again. As someone who experienced bullying in high school, this lackadaisical approach is sickening to me.
The other issue I have with this movie is the lack of screen time for Bad News Barrett, a WWE superstar whose role in the movie was so hyped up it’s the only reason I agreed to see it. Anybody who watches wrestling knows how convincing of a villain Mr. Barrett is. He enslaved John Cena, he led a team of rookies into destroying a WWE arena, he insults the crowd on a regular basis, and he just might win the Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic award for 2014 because he insulted a kid from the Make a Wish Foundation. With all of these evil credentials under Bad News Barrett’s belt, why would they make so little use of him? Why even bother calling Dead Man Down a WWE films production? Sounds like false advertising to me.
If you make the decision to watch this movie, do it because you love crime thrillers. If you’re doing it because you want to see revenge against bratty bullies or because you want to see Bad News Barrett kick some ass, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Despite the flaws this movie has, I can’t really hate it at all. I enjoyed the movie, but not enough to give it a passing grade.
Billy Rogue
I’ve been watching the wrestling tag team of The French Pirates in my head for quite sometime. It appears as if they’re living…two lives. One of the lives is Jonathan Thief. He broke away from the tag team and became a successful multi-time world champion and future Hall of Famer. He has a social security number (not really). He pays taxes (to his home country of France). He even takes out his landlady’s garbage.
The other life is Billy Rogue. He couldn’t find the same success his tag team partner did and fell into obscurity. He is also guilty of virtually every drug crime the US has a law for. One of these lives has a future. The other does not. Billy Rogue is the one who doesn’t have much of a future.
The French Pirates draw a lot of comparisons to the real life WWE tag team from the early 90’s, The Rockers. Jonathan Thief found the same amount of success Shawn Michaels did. Billy Rogue couldn’t, a la Marty Jennetty. Having said that, what do you give a man who has no future? A bottle of poison? A loaded gun? A grudge-match storyline against his old tag team partner? No, no, and yes.
But more importantly, you give Billy Rogue drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. You make him so depressed with his lack of success (that rhymes) his only option is to use every kind of illegal drug imaginable. Pot is becoming legal in a lot of states and it has no harmful side effects, so that doesn’t count. I’m talking about the hard stuff. The extreme stuff. The tubes of glue. The balloons of cocaine. The bigger balloons of heroin. And then wash it all down with a nice big bottle of vodka.
Sending Mr. Rogue to rehab would seem like the right way for a wrestling company to spend its money. If he followed the right steps, he could make a full recovery much like former WWE superstar Joey Mercury did and become an inspiration to those wanting to be sober. But how do you sell such a gigantic bill of goods to someone who still harbors jealousy toward his former tag team partner? If he gets sober, can he stay that way? Even if he does get sober, will he not find another destructive outlet for his raw feelings?
Let’s say it’s possible. Let’s say for the sake of argument Billy Rogue quits drugs and alcohol altogether and becomes a better person for it. His criminal record is spotless and he’s actually able to hold down a job. What kind of life is there for him on the other side of recovery? He didn’t have much of a life before he turned to drugs, what makes you think he’ll have one after? You think he’s going to be content with sitting in an office building or getting his computer science degree? Or maybe he can completely dork out and sell popcorn for the same wrestling promotion he was a part of.
This is a struggle that is all too familiar in drug fiction and nonfiction. It can be said about any kind of addiction, really. You don’t have to constantly shoot heroin in your arm in order to relate to addiction. There are porn addicts, adrenaline addicts, self-harm addicts, and then there’s that one addiction I personally can relate to: food addiction. Billy Rogue is to drugs what I am to food.
I’ve been addicted to food ever since going on my first round of schizophrenia medication. I used to be a skinny little twig in high school. In today’s world, my belly is large, my clothes barely fit, and my energy is gone. Food was the one thing I could turn to that gave me just a little bit of satisfaction in a world where mental illness kept me from having fun. One Reese’s Cup was more intense for me than any song written by Rammstein or Pink Floyd. Because I was so attracted to that constant high, my weight spiraled out of control and now I’m left with the daunting task of having to lose all the weight and keep it off permanently.
Addiction is the only thing Billy Rogue and I have in common. Though I live through my own characters, I don’t want to be the guy who lives through someone who openly admits to having no future. I refuse to accept dystopia. If I have a big belly and a weird appearance for the rest of my life, it wouldn’t matter to me as long as I still had a future worth working toward. That future starts with editing the crap out of Brawl Mart and sending it to a reputable publisher instead of doing the heavy lifting myself with Smash Words. I don’t know how far away that time in my life will be, but it is there. I will make my own dreams come true one way or another. I’m an adult. It’s my right to make my dreams come true.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I’m torn to pieces. I’m broken down. I still see your face when you’re not around. I sit here in misery wondering if I’ll ever be half the man you wanted me to be.”
-Pop Evil singing “Torn to Pieces”-
The other life is Billy Rogue. He couldn’t find the same success his tag team partner did and fell into obscurity. He is also guilty of virtually every drug crime the US has a law for. One of these lives has a future. The other does not. Billy Rogue is the one who doesn’t have much of a future.
The French Pirates draw a lot of comparisons to the real life WWE tag team from the early 90’s, The Rockers. Jonathan Thief found the same amount of success Shawn Michaels did. Billy Rogue couldn’t, a la Marty Jennetty. Having said that, what do you give a man who has no future? A bottle of poison? A loaded gun? A grudge-match storyline against his old tag team partner? No, no, and yes.
But more importantly, you give Billy Rogue drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. You make him so depressed with his lack of success (that rhymes) his only option is to use every kind of illegal drug imaginable. Pot is becoming legal in a lot of states and it has no harmful side effects, so that doesn’t count. I’m talking about the hard stuff. The extreme stuff. The tubes of glue. The balloons of cocaine. The bigger balloons of heroin. And then wash it all down with a nice big bottle of vodka.
Sending Mr. Rogue to rehab would seem like the right way for a wrestling company to spend its money. If he followed the right steps, he could make a full recovery much like former WWE superstar Joey Mercury did and become an inspiration to those wanting to be sober. But how do you sell such a gigantic bill of goods to someone who still harbors jealousy toward his former tag team partner? If he gets sober, can he stay that way? Even if he does get sober, will he not find another destructive outlet for his raw feelings?
Let’s say it’s possible. Let’s say for the sake of argument Billy Rogue quits drugs and alcohol altogether and becomes a better person for it. His criminal record is spotless and he’s actually able to hold down a job. What kind of life is there for him on the other side of recovery? He didn’t have much of a life before he turned to drugs, what makes you think he’ll have one after? You think he’s going to be content with sitting in an office building or getting his computer science degree? Or maybe he can completely dork out and sell popcorn for the same wrestling promotion he was a part of.
This is a struggle that is all too familiar in drug fiction and nonfiction. It can be said about any kind of addiction, really. You don’t have to constantly shoot heroin in your arm in order to relate to addiction. There are porn addicts, adrenaline addicts, self-harm addicts, and then there’s that one addiction I personally can relate to: food addiction. Billy Rogue is to drugs what I am to food.
I’ve been addicted to food ever since going on my first round of schizophrenia medication. I used to be a skinny little twig in high school. In today’s world, my belly is large, my clothes barely fit, and my energy is gone. Food was the one thing I could turn to that gave me just a little bit of satisfaction in a world where mental illness kept me from having fun. One Reese’s Cup was more intense for me than any song written by Rammstein or Pink Floyd. Because I was so attracted to that constant high, my weight spiraled out of control and now I’m left with the daunting task of having to lose all the weight and keep it off permanently.
Addiction is the only thing Billy Rogue and I have in common. Though I live through my own characters, I don’t want to be the guy who lives through someone who openly admits to having no future. I refuse to accept dystopia. If I have a big belly and a weird appearance for the rest of my life, it wouldn’t matter to me as long as I still had a future worth working toward. That future starts with editing the crap out of Brawl Mart and sending it to a reputable publisher instead of doing the heavy lifting myself with Smash Words. I don’t know how far away that time in my life will be, but it is there. I will make my own dreams come true one way or another. I’m an adult. It’s my right to make my dreams come true.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I’m torn to pieces. I’m broken down. I still see your face when you’re not around. I sit here in misery wondering if I’ll ever be half the man you wanted me to be.”
-Pop Evil singing “Torn to Pieces”-
October 27, 2014
Godzilla
TITLE: Godzilla (2014 version)
GENRE: Monster Sci-Fi
RATING: PG-13 for language and disaster-style violence
GRADE: Pass
If you hear the name Godzilla, you can expect the movie he’s associated with to be all about mass destruction. He’s a multi-story tall monster with other multi-story tall monsters to contend with. And when they fight, they’ll take the entire world with them if they have to. Entire cities will fall into piles of rubble and their people will either be displaced or brutally murdered by these gigantic warriors. Even America’s military is powerless against these monsters despite having nuclear weapons at their disposal and tanks that would otherwise knock over entire buildings.
This extreme feeling of hopelessness is paramount in creating a disaster movie of any kind. The lower your chances for survival, the more amazing it’s going to be when you finally achieve your goals. We all know most movies will end happily. What we don’t know is how and why. Even with the biggest guns and the most destructive bombs, it’s not enough. So how else can the world combat these multiple giants? Seems impossible, right? It just might be. If you’re made to believe it is, then the movie you’re watching will become much more entertaining.
Aside from the extreme violence and mass destruction, Godzilla has also been praised for having a memorable storyline, particularly as it relates to the Brody family’s strong bond. In the beginning, Dr. Joe Brody is determined to contain the moth-like monster he has imprisoned in a nuclear reactor. He’s so dedicated to his work it interferes with his ability to sleep at night. Fifteen years later, Joe’s son Ford joins the military and has his own battle to fight: civilian life with his wife and child. The love and dedication the Brody family shows for each other is a beautiful thing. Their love is so strong not even monsters as tall as a skyscraper can keep them apart. They will fight for each other to keep from being bubblegum on the bottom of Godzilla’s foot.
The last thing I’m going to touch on deals with the movie’s pace. As with books, I also enjoy a fast pace when it comes to movies and TV shows. Godzilla has a slow pace and it doesn’t bother me one bit. With a rich storyline and brutal destruction rolled into one neat little package, a slow and stalking pace shouldn’t bother the people who watch this movie. You’ll get your chance to be on the edge of your seat. Don’t think of this movie as being slower than a snail crawling through peanut butter. Think of it as slow torture for your mind. Picture your face being scraped across the concrete ground for two-plus hours. The only difference is it won’t hurt your brain; it will hurt your soul. Badly!
I gave this movie a passing grade and you will too. If you’re not like me and you use a letter system, you’ll probably put enough pluses next to that A to make a novel out of your grade. Although, I don’t recommend you actually do that, because then it really WILL be like slow torture (for your brain, not for your soul). Enjoy the show!
GENRE: Monster Sci-Fi
RATING: PG-13 for language and disaster-style violence
GRADE: Pass
If you hear the name Godzilla, you can expect the movie he’s associated with to be all about mass destruction. He’s a multi-story tall monster with other multi-story tall monsters to contend with. And when they fight, they’ll take the entire world with them if they have to. Entire cities will fall into piles of rubble and their people will either be displaced or brutally murdered by these gigantic warriors. Even America’s military is powerless against these monsters despite having nuclear weapons at their disposal and tanks that would otherwise knock over entire buildings.
This extreme feeling of hopelessness is paramount in creating a disaster movie of any kind. The lower your chances for survival, the more amazing it’s going to be when you finally achieve your goals. We all know most movies will end happily. What we don’t know is how and why. Even with the biggest guns and the most destructive bombs, it’s not enough. So how else can the world combat these multiple giants? Seems impossible, right? It just might be. If you’re made to believe it is, then the movie you’re watching will become much more entertaining.
Aside from the extreme violence and mass destruction, Godzilla has also been praised for having a memorable storyline, particularly as it relates to the Brody family’s strong bond. In the beginning, Dr. Joe Brody is determined to contain the moth-like monster he has imprisoned in a nuclear reactor. He’s so dedicated to his work it interferes with his ability to sleep at night. Fifteen years later, Joe’s son Ford joins the military and has his own battle to fight: civilian life with his wife and child. The love and dedication the Brody family shows for each other is a beautiful thing. Their love is so strong not even monsters as tall as a skyscraper can keep them apart. They will fight for each other to keep from being bubblegum on the bottom of Godzilla’s foot.
The last thing I’m going to touch on deals with the movie’s pace. As with books, I also enjoy a fast pace when it comes to movies and TV shows. Godzilla has a slow pace and it doesn’t bother me one bit. With a rich storyline and brutal destruction rolled into one neat little package, a slow and stalking pace shouldn’t bother the people who watch this movie. You’ll get your chance to be on the edge of your seat. Don’t think of this movie as being slower than a snail crawling through peanut butter. Think of it as slow torture for your mind. Picture your face being scraped across the concrete ground for two-plus hours. The only difference is it won’t hurt your brain; it will hurt your soul. Badly!
I gave this movie a passing grade and you will too. If you’re not like me and you use a letter system, you’ll probably put enough pluses next to that A to make a novel out of your grade. Although, I don’t recommend you actually do that, because then it really WILL be like slow torture (for your brain, not for your soul). Enjoy the show!
October 21, 2014
Dominick Zola
Dominick Zola does not sparkle. He burns. He wraps himself in a fiery cocoon and brings entire cities to their knees with his occult powers. But why would he want to do any of that when he’s the highest ranking mafia boss in the city of Seattle? Does he not have enough machinegun-wielding vampire buddies to do his heavy lifting for him? The conundrum Mr. Zola faces now is whether he wants to burn Seattle to the ground or control its citizens for as long as he feels they’re useful. It’ll be a while before Dominick gets bored with his puppetry. He is a vampire, after all, meaning an average human will be nothing more than a speck of dirt by the time Mr. Zola is on a metal slab. Will they even have medical examiners that far in the future? Will the world still be whole by then?
This violent nut job was slated to be the main villain for a Vampire: the Masquerade RPG session between me and my good friend Heather. If that role-play would have materialized into something, Dominick Zola would be a hard villain to kill. Then again, powerful villains with god complexes shouldn’t be easy prey anyways. Look at the people who are trying to bring him to his knees: a pregnant rape victim (Heather’s character), a man-child vampire, a human detective, and a vampire nurse. This is clearly not a fair fight; Heather’s team needs more people. How many more people? Probably the same amount who conform to Dominick Zola’s beliefs on a regular basis, which is an entire crime syndicate.
Mr. Zola bears an uncanny resemblance to Bob Geldof’s character from Pink Floyd the Wall in terms of the way he influences people. Both are charismatic leaders in their own way: Dominick is a vampire warrior (and who wouldn’t want to follow a cool guy like a vampire warrior) while Pink is a rock star who fantasizes about turning his audience into Nazi skinheads. Both leaders use the crossed hammers symbol to get their message out there and they both like to use the phrase “Trust Us” as a slogan. Well, Pink doesn’t actually say that in the movie, but I have seen the slogan on Roger Waters T-shirts, as well as that same performer’s inflatable pig.
It may take an army to bring down Dominick Zola. It may take a mythical god. It may take the entire world population just to restrain him for a few seconds. No matter which way you slice it, you don’t stand a fucking chance against this warlord. There are two ways this campaign would have played out if it was allowed to continue. One way is for Heather’s pregnant character and her three friends to flee the state of Washington toward higher ground (I originally suggested Hawaii, but vampires tend to not do well in a state known for its constant sunshine). The other way would be to give the four characters enough fighting experience and build them up before the apocalyptic fight. The WWE does the same thing when they’re choosing wrestlers to compete in the main event: they give one wrestler a string of victories to make him look believable for when that championship opportunity arises.
Because the latter of the two scenarios is more likely to happen, I’m going to have to establish a new rule with Heather if I ever play with her again. From here on in, her characters are not allowed to get pregnant or get injured constantly. If her character ever does conceive, then she can’t be bummed out when a villain kicks or punches her in the stomach. As a GM, I demand action. There’s no action sitting on the sidelines. All of the action is on the frontlines and my players will find themselves right in the middle of it regardless of their characters’ condition. What’s that? You’ve got two broken legs and a concussion? Suck it up, buddy. If you’re looking for sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. Dominick Zola isn’t going to just commit suicide for your pleasure. Either strap your boots on or burn in his destruction.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
JOURNALIST: What kind of action can we expect from you when you return?
BIG SHOW: I’m going to be picking my fucking nose, what do you think I’m going to do?
This violent nut job was slated to be the main villain for a Vampire: the Masquerade RPG session between me and my good friend Heather. If that role-play would have materialized into something, Dominick Zola would be a hard villain to kill. Then again, powerful villains with god complexes shouldn’t be easy prey anyways. Look at the people who are trying to bring him to his knees: a pregnant rape victim (Heather’s character), a man-child vampire, a human detective, and a vampire nurse. This is clearly not a fair fight; Heather’s team needs more people. How many more people? Probably the same amount who conform to Dominick Zola’s beliefs on a regular basis, which is an entire crime syndicate.
Mr. Zola bears an uncanny resemblance to Bob Geldof’s character from Pink Floyd the Wall in terms of the way he influences people. Both are charismatic leaders in their own way: Dominick is a vampire warrior (and who wouldn’t want to follow a cool guy like a vampire warrior) while Pink is a rock star who fantasizes about turning his audience into Nazi skinheads. Both leaders use the crossed hammers symbol to get their message out there and they both like to use the phrase “Trust Us” as a slogan. Well, Pink doesn’t actually say that in the movie, but I have seen the slogan on Roger Waters T-shirts, as well as that same performer’s inflatable pig.
It may take an army to bring down Dominick Zola. It may take a mythical god. It may take the entire world population just to restrain him for a few seconds. No matter which way you slice it, you don’t stand a fucking chance against this warlord. There are two ways this campaign would have played out if it was allowed to continue. One way is for Heather’s pregnant character and her three friends to flee the state of Washington toward higher ground (I originally suggested Hawaii, but vampires tend to not do well in a state known for its constant sunshine). The other way would be to give the four characters enough fighting experience and build them up before the apocalyptic fight. The WWE does the same thing when they’re choosing wrestlers to compete in the main event: they give one wrestler a string of victories to make him look believable for when that championship opportunity arises.
Because the latter of the two scenarios is more likely to happen, I’m going to have to establish a new rule with Heather if I ever play with her again. From here on in, her characters are not allowed to get pregnant or get injured constantly. If her character ever does conceive, then she can’t be bummed out when a villain kicks or punches her in the stomach. As a GM, I demand action. There’s no action sitting on the sidelines. All of the action is on the frontlines and my players will find themselves right in the middle of it regardless of their characters’ condition. What’s that? You’ve got two broken legs and a concussion? Suck it up, buddy. If you’re looking for sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. Dominick Zola isn’t going to just commit suicide for your pleasure. Either strap your boots on or burn in his destruction.
***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
JOURNALIST: What kind of action can we expect from you when you return?
BIG SHOW: I’m going to be picking my fucking nose, what do you think I’m going to do?
