Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 122
January 16, 2015
Darthania Gaveston
NAME: Darthania Gaveston
AGE: 20
OCCUPATION: Wizard
CANONS: Dungeons & Dragons: The Middlesex Campaign and Fireball Nightmare
Technically, this character doesn’t belong to me. She belongs to my good friend Heather, who I used to play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons with back in 2010. She was the wife of my human barbarian Brutus Warcry, who I’ve talked about in previous character profiles. This couple did everything together. They chased bounty heads, they competed in mixed-martial arts, they went on missions to kick some villainous ass, and they even protected the mayor of Middlesex Shawn Simms on more than one occasion. Darthania and Brutus’ romance and adventures were the ultimate rags to riches tale. They started off begging for handouts and became eighth level millionaires.
Darthania comes from a similar romantic background to her husband Brutus in the sense that he was not her first choice. Before Brutus came into her life, Darthania was studying wizardry at the Middlesex Academy of the Arts. She was a damn good student as well as the man she fell in love with at the time, Randy Farrell. They’d do experiments together whether they were wizardry assignments or otherwise…and my definition of otherwise is very loose if you know what I mean. Hehe!
They started off as lab partners and became lovers destined for marriage. And then one day, an accident during class caused a chemical explosion that poisoned Randy and killed him slowly while he rested in a hospital bed. Darthania never got to say goodbye to Randy and still missed him even after marrying Brutus. Brutus never got over Kai Nightwolf and Darthania never got over Randy Farrell. The relatives of the dead lovers entered Brutus and Darthania’s lives as government-paid bodyguards, those guys being Electra Nightwolf, Sandra Nightwolf, and Windham Farrell. It’s not the same, though. It’ll never be the same again.
Darthania had a huge impact not just on Brutus’ life, but on the lives of everybody who participated in that game from Heather to TJ to Sid to Amber. She was so much of an icon that I asked Heather for permission to use her in Fireball Nightmare. Not only did she say it was okay, but she said she was honored since she admires my writing skills (not to brag about it or anything. Hehe!).
In Fireball Nightmare, Darthania Gaveston’s new role was the ex-lover of Brutus in a love polygon that involved anywhere up to seven people. That’s a lot of emotional turmoil to go through. And a lot of condoms. But if she could put those dark feelings aside, then she would have been responsible for Deus, Brutus, and company finding the Lunar Crystal, which when dropped down Vahd’s volcanic opening would cool the earth off from the hellfire it was subjected to. In other words, Darthania would have been responsible for earth’s freedom. But because of confusing plot holes, perfect characters, and all around shabby writing, Fireball Nightmare has been deleted from my archives and is yet another failed project. I had a chance to make Heather’s character famous and I blew it. That’s worth a deep sigh.
Since I already asked once if it was okay to use Darthania in a novel of mine, I’m sure Heather will say yes every time after that as well. It all depends on how many times until I find the perfect fit for the lovely elf wizard. Like every other unemployed character I plan on using, Darthania’s chances of being chosen for a story are random. But if she’s going to stay in my archives indefinitely, the right thing to do would be to let Heather have a crack at writing a story for her. Granted, I’ve never read any of Heather’s writing before, but judging from how well she played Darthania in the D&D sessions, I know she can hack it as a writer.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“You could say I’ve lost my faith in politicians. They all seem like game show hosts to me. But if I ever lose my faith in you, there would be nothing left for me to do. I could be lost inside their locks without a trace. But every time I close my eyes, I see your face.”
-Sting singing “If I Ever Lose My Faith In You”-
AGE: 20
OCCUPATION: Wizard
CANONS: Dungeons & Dragons: The Middlesex Campaign and Fireball Nightmare
Technically, this character doesn’t belong to me. She belongs to my good friend Heather, who I used to play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons with back in 2010. She was the wife of my human barbarian Brutus Warcry, who I’ve talked about in previous character profiles. This couple did everything together. They chased bounty heads, they competed in mixed-martial arts, they went on missions to kick some villainous ass, and they even protected the mayor of Middlesex Shawn Simms on more than one occasion. Darthania and Brutus’ romance and adventures were the ultimate rags to riches tale. They started off begging for handouts and became eighth level millionaires.
Darthania comes from a similar romantic background to her husband Brutus in the sense that he was not her first choice. Before Brutus came into her life, Darthania was studying wizardry at the Middlesex Academy of the Arts. She was a damn good student as well as the man she fell in love with at the time, Randy Farrell. They’d do experiments together whether they were wizardry assignments or otherwise…and my definition of otherwise is very loose if you know what I mean. Hehe!
They started off as lab partners and became lovers destined for marriage. And then one day, an accident during class caused a chemical explosion that poisoned Randy and killed him slowly while he rested in a hospital bed. Darthania never got to say goodbye to Randy and still missed him even after marrying Brutus. Brutus never got over Kai Nightwolf and Darthania never got over Randy Farrell. The relatives of the dead lovers entered Brutus and Darthania’s lives as government-paid bodyguards, those guys being Electra Nightwolf, Sandra Nightwolf, and Windham Farrell. It’s not the same, though. It’ll never be the same again.
Darthania had a huge impact not just on Brutus’ life, but on the lives of everybody who participated in that game from Heather to TJ to Sid to Amber. She was so much of an icon that I asked Heather for permission to use her in Fireball Nightmare. Not only did she say it was okay, but she said she was honored since she admires my writing skills (not to brag about it or anything. Hehe!).
In Fireball Nightmare, Darthania Gaveston’s new role was the ex-lover of Brutus in a love polygon that involved anywhere up to seven people. That’s a lot of emotional turmoil to go through. And a lot of condoms. But if she could put those dark feelings aside, then she would have been responsible for Deus, Brutus, and company finding the Lunar Crystal, which when dropped down Vahd’s volcanic opening would cool the earth off from the hellfire it was subjected to. In other words, Darthania would have been responsible for earth’s freedom. But because of confusing plot holes, perfect characters, and all around shabby writing, Fireball Nightmare has been deleted from my archives and is yet another failed project. I had a chance to make Heather’s character famous and I blew it. That’s worth a deep sigh.
Since I already asked once if it was okay to use Darthania in a novel of mine, I’m sure Heather will say yes every time after that as well. It all depends on how many times until I find the perfect fit for the lovely elf wizard. Like every other unemployed character I plan on using, Darthania’s chances of being chosen for a story are random. But if she’s going to stay in my archives indefinitely, the right thing to do would be to let Heather have a crack at writing a story for her. Granted, I’ve never read any of Heather’s writing before, but judging from how well she played Darthania in the D&D sessions, I know she can hack it as a writer.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“You could say I’ve lost my faith in politicians. They all seem like game show hosts to me. But if I ever lose my faith in you, there would be nothing left for me to do. I could be lost inside their locks without a trace. But every time I close my eyes, I see your face.”
-Sting singing “If I Ever Lose My Faith In You”-
January 11, 2015
Nadia Rinehart
NAME: Nadia Rinehart
AGE: 19
OCCUPATION: Street Fighter
CANON: Hardcore Hell 2 and Chainblazer
As a staunch democrat, most of the characters in my story identify as politically liberal atheists. I’m not alone in projecting my views on my characters, because CJ Box and Carl Hiaasen do the exact same thing for their parties. Naturally, my conservative characters are few and far between. And yet, they do exist. Keegan Day from “Occupy Wrestling” qualifies. Gail Reinhold once held those beliefs and she was a hero. And now let’s add one more name to that small, yet growing list: Nadia Rinehart.
Before I changed her name to something that didn’t sound like a NASCAR redneck’s name, Gail Reinhold’s last name was Rinehart, which meant she was related to Nadia. Gail got her start in Hardcore Hell 1 and then a whole generation passed into Hardcore Hell 2, where we get Gail’s now grownup niece, Nadia.
During her time in Hardcore Hell 2, Nadia proved to be an even nastier version of her aunt when it came to brutal fighting skills and a general mean streak. She was part of a straightedge gang called Throw Down, Motherfuckers, which is a conservative parody of the real life gang Fuck Shit Up aka Friends Stand United.
If you smoked weed, shot heroine, drank vodka, or even thought about using the lord’s name in vain, Nadia and her boyfriend Johnny Filter were there to put you in the ICU. Punches, kicks, elbows, knees, and the occasional judo hip toss were employed by Nadia and her gang. No guns were necessary, because guns are for pussies (even though Nadia is against gun control).
By the time Hardcore Hell 2 went in the shitter after ten chapters, Nadia was recycled into another story entirely: Chainblazer, a cyberpunk neo-noir story where corporations turned ordinary people into mindless, yet ultra-powerful slaves by wrapping fiery chains around their wrists and ankles. Nadia’s role this time wasn’t a conservative gangster, but rather a criminal informant whose transgressions were minor compared to what she did in Hardcore Hell 2.
Then again, living on the streets with no parental supervision of any kind lent itself to a life dependent on the kindness of strangers. Nadia’s help as a CI led the two main characters, Rollin and Tarja, to the release of a corporate slave named Marcus McKnight, a muscle-bound black dude who was the prototype for those fiery chains. Marcus then revealed information to everyone that these chains were being mass produced and the corporation responsible needed to be raided. In the happy ending, Nadia’s reward for all of her help was being set up with a job and low cost housing. Not bad!
Chainblazer was yet another story that went ker-plunk before it even had the chance to be ripped apart by critics. The excessive number of plot holes, the no-selling of attacks, and the froufrou writing style led the story down the path of destruction. And this all means now that Nadia is once again without employment.
During her experiences on my word processor, she’s been both a villain and a hero. If I ever use her again, I’d want her to be the badass gangster bitch she was in Hardcore Hell 2 since that’s what I originally envisioned for her. She was great in Chainblazer, but too weak for my tastes. Besides, as I look at my unemployed character ledger, I have more female heroes than I do female villains. Get in line, Nadia Rinehart. You’ll see the light of day again.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“All marriages are same-sex marriages. Every night, it’s the same sex.”
-Bill Maher-
AGE: 19
OCCUPATION: Street Fighter
CANON: Hardcore Hell 2 and Chainblazer
As a staunch democrat, most of the characters in my story identify as politically liberal atheists. I’m not alone in projecting my views on my characters, because CJ Box and Carl Hiaasen do the exact same thing for their parties. Naturally, my conservative characters are few and far between. And yet, they do exist. Keegan Day from “Occupy Wrestling” qualifies. Gail Reinhold once held those beliefs and she was a hero. And now let’s add one more name to that small, yet growing list: Nadia Rinehart.
Before I changed her name to something that didn’t sound like a NASCAR redneck’s name, Gail Reinhold’s last name was Rinehart, which meant she was related to Nadia. Gail got her start in Hardcore Hell 1 and then a whole generation passed into Hardcore Hell 2, where we get Gail’s now grownup niece, Nadia.
During her time in Hardcore Hell 2, Nadia proved to be an even nastier version of her aunt when it came to brutal fighting skills and a general mean streak. She was part of a straightedge gang called Throw Down, Motherfuckers, which is a conservative parody of the real life gang Fuck Shit Up aka Friends Stand United.
If you smoked weed, shot heroine, drank vodka, or even thought about using the lord’s name in vain, Nadia and her boyfriend Johnny Filter were there to put you in the ICU. Punches, kicks, elbows, knees, and the occasional judo hip toss were employed by Nadia and her gang. No guns were necessary, because guns are for pussies (even though Nadia is against gun control).
By the time Hardcore Hell 2 went in the shitter after ten chapters, Nadia was recycled into another story entirely: Chainblazer, a cyberpunk neo-noir story where corporations turned ordinary people into mindless, yet ultra-powerful slaves by wrapping fiery chains around their wrists and ankles. Nadia’s role this time wasn’t a conservative gangster, but rather a criminal informant whose transgressions were minor compared to what she did in Hardcore Hell 2.
Then again, living on the streets with no parental supervision of any kind lent itself to a life dependent on the kindness of strangers. Nadia’s help as a CI led the two main characters, Rollin and Tarja, to the release of a corporate slave named Marcus McKnight, a muscle-bound black dude who was the prototype for those fiery chains. Marcus then revealed information to everyone that these chains were being mass produced and the corporation responsible needed to be raided. In the happy ending, Nadia’s reward for all of her help was being set up with a job and low cost housing. Not bad!
Chainblazer was yet another story that went ker-plunk before it even had the chance to be ripped apart by critics. The excessive number of plot holes, the no-selling of attacks, and the froufrou writing style led the story down the path of destruction. And this all means now that Nadia is once again without employment.
During her experiences on my word processor, she’s been both a villain and a hero. If I ever use her again, I’d want her to be the badass gangster bitch she was in Hardcore Hell 2 since that’s what I originally envisioned for her. She was great in Chainblazer, but too weak for my tastes. Besides, as I look at my unemployed character ledger, I have more female heroes than I do female villains. Get in line, Nadia Rinehart. You’ll see the light of day again.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“All marriages are same-sex marriages. Every night, it’s the same sex.”
-Bill Maher-
January 8, 2015
The Matrix
MOVIE TITLE: The Matrix
DIRECTOR: The Wichowski Siblings
YEAR: 1999
GENRE: Cyberpunk
RATING: R for violence, language, and disturbing moments
GRADE: Pass
Thomas Anderson is an everyday guy who works a nine-to-five job and pays his taxes like a good little worker bee. Neo, on the other hand, knows there’s more out there than what his five senses will tell him. Neo comes into contact with a hacker named Morpheus, who tells him that the world he knows is nothing more than a dreamscape used to disguise the ugly dystopian future that the world really is, where machines control everything and humanity is fighting to survive. Neo wants to be a part of this war against the machines, but has to deal with Agent Smith, a virus in the matrix who wants to keep the sheepish people in their dreamlike states. The sooner Neo becomes accustomed to the matrix being one big lie to the world, the sooner he can achieve the greatness he was destined for.
One of the many interesting things about this movie is that it was published in 1999, when computer hacking and the internet were both in their infancy. For all we know, Neo could have been using America Online this whole time, where all he has to do is point and click. The cell phone he receives to contact Morpheus is a huge dinosaur that looks like a tumor growing out of his ear. Imagine if The Matrix was published in today’s world with Twitter, Face Book, smart phones, tablets, and all that crazy stuff. Hacking would be a lot easier to get away with, that’s for sure. Maybe Neo could be a member of Anonymous, you never know. Maybe he IS a member of Anonymous, which would make Agent Smith quiver in his Gucci shoes. The anachronistic nature of The Matrix back then and today makes for an interesting debate among scholars or those who have just smoked a bowl of marijuana.
Another thing I enjoyed about this movie was the message it sent of questioning everything around you and not seeing the world in black and white. Chances are good that in the real world, we’re not being controlled by gigantic machines and no FBI agents are going to take away our mouths anytime soon. But some would argue that we are living in a dreamlike state 24/7. We live paycheck to paycheck, we do everything we’re told to do, we try our best to live up to everyone else’s standards of what the American Dream should be, and nobody questions it, because questioning it would make you a bad member of a society that thrives on blindness. When you lose the ability to think for yourself, you’ll never break out of the cycle and live up to your potential.
And of course, I’d be remised if I didn’t mention the biggest elephant in the room when it comes to The Matrix: special effects. The freezing of time while circling the camera around, the slow motion dodging, the convincing fight scenes despite the actors having no martial arts training, these are all things you can thank The Matrix for revolutionizing. What I don’t understand is why every comedy movie that was made after 1999 feels the need to parody this style of cinema. Shrek did it during a fight sequence with Princess Fiona, there was a Scary Movie scene where the masked killer bent backwards to dodge a projectile, and I’m pretty sure there’s a WWE videogame somewhere that parodies Trinity’s freeze-frame crane kick. Parodying The Matrix’s special effects is not funny. It’s cliché. Leave the fancy martial arts madness to the directors of this film.
If you take the blue pill, you will go back into your dreamlike state and you’ll never have to deal with dystopia again. If you take the red pill, you’d better fasten your seatbelt, Dorothy, because Kansas is going bye-bye. If you need a more convincing argument to take the red pill, the blue one is in suppository form and is the size of a tennis ball. It’s time to wake up, people, and you can do it by spending a little quality time with The Matrix.
DIRECTOR: The Wichowski Siblings
YEAR: 1999
GENRE: Cyberpunk
RATING: R for violence, language, and disturbing moments
GRADE: Pass
Thomas Anderson is an everyday guy who works a nine-to-five job and pays his taxes like a good little worker bee. Neo, on the other hand, knows there’s more out there than what his five senses will tell him. Neo comes into contact with a hacker named Morpheus, who tells him that the world he knows is nothing more than a dreamscape used to disguise the ugly dystopian future that the world really is, where machines control everything and humanity is fighting to survive. Neo wants to be a part of this war against the machines, but has to deal with Agent Smith, a virus in the matrix who wants to keep the sheepish people in their dreamlike states. The sooner Neo becomes accustomed to the matrix being one big lie to the world, the sooner he can achieve the greatness he was destined for.
One of the many interesting things about this movie is that it was published in 1999, when computer hacking and the internet were both in their infancy. For all we know, Neo could have been using America Online this whole time, where all he has to do is point and click. The cell phone he receives to contact Morpheus is a huge dinosaur that looks like a tumor growing out of his ear. Imagine if The Matrix was published in today’s world with Twitter, Face Book, smart phones, tablets, and all that crazy stuff. Hacking would be a lot easier to get away with, that’s for sure. Maybe Neo could be a member of Anonymous, you never know. Maybe he IS a member of Anonymous, which would make Agent Smith quiver in his Gucci shoes. The anachronistic nature of The Matrix back then and today makes for an interesting debate among scholars or those who have just smoked a bowl of marijuana.
Another thing I enjoyed about this movie was the message it sent of questioning everything around you and not seeing the world in black and white. Chances are good that in the real world, we’re not being controlled by gigantic machines and no FBI agents are going to take away our mouths anytime soon. But some would argue that we are living in a dreamlike state 24/7. We live paycheck to paycheck, we do everything we’re told to do, we try our best to live up to everyone else’s standards of what the American Dream should be, and nobody questions it, because questioning it would make you a bad member of a society that thrives on blindness. When you lose the ability to think for yourself, you’ll never break out of the cycle and live up to your potential.
And of course, I’d be remised if I didn’t mention the biggest elephant in the room when it comes to The Matrix: special effects. The freezing of time while circling the camera around, the slow motion dodging, the convincing fight scenes despite the actors having no martial arts training, these are all things you can thank The Matrix for revolutionizing. What I don’t understand is why every comedy movie that was made after 1999 feels the need to parody this style of cinema. Shrek did it during a fight sequence with Princess Fiona, there was a Scary Movie scene where the masked killer bent backwards to dodge a projectile, and I’m pretty sure there’s a WWE videogame somewhere that parodies Trinity’s freeze-frame crane kick. Parodying The Matrix’s special effects is not funny. It’s cliché. Leave the fancy martial arts madness to the directors of this film.
If you take the blue pill, you will go back into your dreamlike state and you’ll never have to deal with dystopia again. If you take the red pill, you’d better fasten your seatbelt, Dorothy, because Kansas is going bye-bye. If you need a more convincing argument to take the red pill, the blue one is in suppository form and is the size of a tennis ball. It’s time to wake up, people, and you can do it by spending a little quality time with The Matrix.
January 3, 2015
Gail Reinhold
NAME: Gail Reinhold
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Paladin
CANONS: Final Fantasy Hardcore, Tribe, Hardcore Hell, and Fireball Nightmare
Your eyes don’t deceive you and quite frankly I don’t know why they would unless you were having an acid flashback. Gail Reinhold has been a part of four different failed stories, thus making her the most experienced heroine I’ve ever had (and no, that’s not an invitation for the W-word, so piss off). No matter what canon she was a part of, she was always the eventual arm candy of Deus Shadowheart, the most popular and experienced character I have.
Deus Shadowheart is a smelly barbarian who can rip someone in half with his thumb and forefinger. Gail Reinhold is a beautiful paladin who can be both tough-minded and tenderhearted at the same time. How exactly do these two people find each other attractive? How does a beautiful flower like Gail give consent to a barbaric beast like Deus and then the two live happily ever after? In all the times they’ve been together, it was always because Deus was saving Gail from an abduction, one that happened over and over again, might I add. Doesn’t exactly make Gail a strong feminine role model despite supposedly being a badass magic-wielding paladin.
With the random selection I put my characters through, it’s not likely Deus and Gail will ever be a couple again. They might not even be part of the same canon. Were they ever really good for each other if Gail was only a damsel in distress? How about she actually put her magic and combative skills to good use and save a man’s life for a change. Or save another woman’s life. Or save her own life. Make her tough and independent at the same time. She can still be the tender and emotional sweetie pie I always made her out to be, and that might actually work in making her a flawed character despite being nearly invincible in combat.
In addition to being multi-dimensional as a character, she can also be that way when it comes to the time period she occupies. Paladins are Dungeons & Dragons characters by nature, which in plain English means they’re medieval warriors in medieval times. But what if this was the future? What if she was an intergalactic princess with an energy sword (I can’t say light saber lest I be sued by Disney) and unlimited magic powers? Or here’s a crazy idea: she could actually make it in the modern world with no fantasy or supernatural elements whatsoever. She could be a badass marine, a rookie cop, or a digital Robin Hood, all while using a sword. A cop with a sword? A marine with an energy blade? Hell yeah, now we’re talking!
If Gail does find another story to be a part of, then I can’t make the same mistakes I made with her in the past, which are make her too fragile and kill her off with no sympathy or empathy for her character. Gail has a lot of potential to be something great. She shouldn’t be ruined by an early death or a Mary-Sue stigma. I might have to go all the way with her and make her the main character of whatever story she’s a part of. Gail Reinhold: a badass diva with a blade and an attitude. I like the sound of that! It almost sounds like it has graphic novel implications. Bottom line: I believe in Gail’s star power. She can have the charisma if I give it to her. But the question now is, what story will she be a part of? Let’s go to Random.org to find out!
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If Natalya won the Divas Title, that wouldn’t be good for Tyson Kidd. He’d have more things to carry.”
-John “Bradshaw” Layfield-
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Paladin
CANONS: Final Fantasy Hardcore, Tribe, Hardcore Hell, and Fireball Nightmare
Your eyes don’t deceive you and quite frankly I don’t know why they would unless you were having an acid flashback. Gail Reinhold has been a part of four different failed stories, thus making her the most experienced heroine I’ve ever had (and no, that’s not an invitation for the W-word, so piss off). No matter what canon she was a part of, she was always the eventual arm candy of Deus Shadowheart, the most popular and experienced character I have.
Deus Shadowheart is a smelly barbarian who can rip someone in half with his thumb and forefinger. Gail Reinhold is a beautiful paladin who can be both tough-minded and tenderhearted at the same time. How exactly do these two people find each other attractive? How does a beautiful flower like Gail give consent to a barbaric beast like Deus and then the two live happily ever after? In all the times they’ve been together, it was always because Deus was saving Gail from an abduction, one that happened over and over again, might I add. Doesn’t exactly make Gail a strong feminine role model despite supposedly being a badass magic-wielding paladin.
With the random selection I put my characters through, it’s not likely Deus and Gail will ever be a couple again. They might not even be part of the same canon. Were they ever really good for each other if Gail was only a damsel in distress? How about she actually put her magic and combative skills to good use and save a man’s life for a change. Or save another woman’s life. Or save her own life. Make her tough and independent at the same time. She can still be the tender and emotional sweetie pie I always made her out to be, and that might actually work in making her a flawed character despite being nearly invincible in combat.
In addition to being multi-dimensional as a character, she can also be that way when it comes to the time period she occupies. Paladins are Dungeons & Dragons characters by nature, which in plain English means they’re medieval warriors in medieval times. But what if this was the future? What if she was an intergalactic princess with an energy sword (I can’t say light saber lest I be sued by Disney) and unlimited magic powers? Or here’s a crazy idea: she could actually make it in the modern world with no fantasy or supernatural elements whatsoever. She could be a badass marine, a rookie cop, or a digital Robin Hood, all while using a sword. A cop with a sword? A marine with an energy blade? Hell yeah, now we’re talking!
If Gail does find another story to be a part of, then I can’t make the same mistakes I made with her in the past, which are make her too fragile and kill her off with no sympathy or empathy for her character. Gail has a lot of potential to be something great. She shouldn’t be ruined by an early death or a Mary-Sue stigma. I might have to go all the way with her and make her the main character of whatever story she’s a part of. Gail Reinhold: a badass diva with a blade and an attitude. I like the sound of that! It almost sounds like it has graphic novel implications. Bottom line: I believe in Gail’s star power. She can have the charisma if I give it to her. But the question now is, what story will she be a part of? Let’s go to Random.org to find out!
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If Natalya won the Divas Title, that wouldn’t be good for Tyson Kidd. He’d have more things to carry.”
-John “Bradshaw” Layfield-
January 1, 2015
Mickey and the Giant
EPISODE TITLE: Mickey and the Giant
SHOW: Disney Cartoons
YEAR: Late 1930’s
GENRE: Children’s Cartoon
RATING: TV-G
GRADE: Pass
An oafish giant terrorizes a nameless kingdom to where a multi-mullion pazooza bounty is placed on his head. Mickey Mouse is oblivious to this news as he’s busy in his tailor’s shop mending clothes. Seven flies swarm in on him and he swats them all before proudly proclaiming to the town, “I killed seven with one blow!” The townsfolk and the king all think he’s talking about giants, so the king appoints Mickey to slay the giant and collect the bounty while also taking the hand of Princess Minnie. There’s just one problem: Mickey is microscopic compared to the giant and all he’s armed with is a pair of tailor’s scissors and a spool of thread.
When I was a tiny kid growing up in Port Townsend, Washington, my parents bought me a VHS tape of three different Mickey Mouse cartoons. Mickey and the Giant happened to be the last one on the cassette. I would watch that tape over and over again like any small child would, but I would never understand the plotline of the cartoon or any of the structural elements of Disney’s storytelling, also like a small child. I have to admit that I was a little disturbed by Mickey sewing the giant’s sleeves together and then yanking on his nose before tying him up and defeating him. As an adult, I can’t understand why that would be disturbing, but as a kid, I didn’t question my irrational emotions. Maybe it was the dramatic, fast-paced music, I don’t know.
Nonetheless, I enjoyed the hell out of that cartoon. I particularly liked the creative ways in which the giant went about his daily routine of eating, smoking, and relaxing. He relaxed by sitting on somebody’s house and crossing his legs. When he was hungry, he ate an entire wheelbarrow full of pumpkins like they were candy pieces. When he got the hiccups from Mickey yanking on his uvula, he drank an entire well full of water. And when the giant wanted a nice smoke to go with his meal, he rolled up a bale of hay like a cigar and lit it up with a kitchen stove from inside the house. Looking back now, the giant didn’t seem like a particularly cruel person. He was just a harmless fool. Unfortunately, he was too big of an inconvenience for the kingdom, so he had to be taken down. And when he was, he snored into a windmill that powered an entire amusement park. More creativity on the part of Disney.
And then there’s the favorite part of any 99-percenter looking for a hero: the underdog defeating the favorite in convincing fashion. It’s a G-rated Disney cartoon, so chances are good that the oafish giant’s opponent won’t be a juggernaut in steel armor who wields a barbed wire lance in one hand and a fiery metal staff in the other. It would be a convincing victory, but it wouldn’t be particularly amazing since that outcome is to be expected from someone of such power. Mickey Mouse is not a powerful character. Compared to the giant, he’s finger food. At any moment, the giant could have crushed him like a bug and that would be the end of it. Mickey wasn’t going down that easily. He used his quick wits and stealthy strategy to overcome a nearly impossible opponent. He hid in the various food, beverage, and tobacco items and when his cover was blown, he used the giant’s own momentum against him. The giant wasn’t too bright, so this ending was believable.
This cartoon was still on You Tube the last time I checked. That’s how I got reacquainted with it in the first place. If you’re a big kid who wants to relive his playful days or you have a child of your own who needs entertainment, I would definitely recommend this cartoon. It’s cute, it’s creative, and it’s fun for the whole family. Enjoy!
SHOW: Disney Cartoons
YEAR: Late 1930’s
GENRE: Children’s Cartoon
RATING: TV-G
GRADE: Pass
An oafish giant terrorizes a nameless kingdom to where a multi-mullion pazooza bounty is placed on his head. Mickey Mouse is oblivious to this news as he’s busy in his tailor’s shop mending clothes. Seven flies swarm in on him and he swats them all before proudly proclaiming to the town, “I killed seven with one blow!” The townsfolk and the king all think he’s talking about giants, so the king appoints Mickey to slay the giant and collect the bounty while also taking the hand of Princess Minnie. There’s just one problem: Mickey is microscopic compared to the giant and all he’s armed with is a pair of tailor’s scissors and a spool of thread.
When I was a tiny kid growing up in Port Townsend, Washington, my parents bought me a VHS tape of three different Mickey Mouse cartoons. Mickey and the Giant happened to be the last one on the cassette. I would watch that tape over and over again like any small child would, but I would never understand the plotline of the cartoon or any of the structural elements of Disney’s storytelling, also like a small child. I have to admit that I was a little disturbed by Mickey sewing the giant’s sleeves together and then yanking on his nose before tying him up and defeating him. As an adult, I can’t understand why that would be disturbing, but as a kid, I didn’t question my irrational emotions. Maybe it was the dramatic, fast-paced music, I don’t know.
Nonetheless, I enjoyed the hell out of that cartoon. I particularly liked the creative ways in which the giant went about his daily routine of eating, smoking, and relaxing. He relaxed by sitting on somebody’s house and crossing his legs. When he was hungry, he ate an entire wheelbarrow full of pumpkins like they were candy pieces. When he got the hiccups from Mickey yanking on his uvula, he drank an entire well full of water. And when the giant wanted a nice smoke to go with his meal, he rolled up a bale of hay like a cigar and lit it up with a kitchen stove from inside the house. Looking back now, the giant didn’t seem like a particularly cruel person. He was just a harmless fool. Unfortunately, he was too big of an inconvenience for the kingdom, so he had to be taken down. And when he was, he snored into a windmill that powered an entire amusement park. More creativity on the part of Disney.
And then there’s the favorite part of any 99-percenter looking for a hero: the underdog defeating the favorite in convincing fashion. It’s a G-rated Disney cartoon, so chances are good that the oafish giant’s opponent won’t be a juggernaut in steel armor who wields a barbed wire lance in one hand and a fiery metal staff in the other. It would be a convincing victory, but it wouldn’t be particularly amazing since that outcome is to be expected from someone of such power. Mickey Mouse is not a powerful character. Compared to the giant, he’s finger food. At any moment, the giant could have crushed him like a bug and that would be the end of it. Mickey wasn’t going down that easily. He used his quick wits and stealthy strategy to overcome a nearly impossible opponent. He hid in the various food, beverage, and tobacco items and when his cover was blown, he used the giant’s own momentum against him. The giant wasn’t too bright, so this ending was believable.
This cartoon was still on You Tube the last time I checked. That’s how I got reacquainted with it in the first place. If you’re a big kid who wants to relive his playful days or you have a child of your own who needs entertainment, I would definitely recommend this cartoon. It’s cute, it’s creative, and it’s fun for the whole family. Enjoy!
December 27, 2014
Kai Nightwolf
NAME: Kai Nightwolf
AGED: 23
OCCUPATION: Medicine Woman
CANON: Dungeons & Dragons: The Middlesex Campaign
Have you heard George Carlin’s latest idea for world peace? It’s simple: every person in the world has to get in a parallel line and shake the hands of the people in the other line. In other words, if everybody knew each other a little better in spite of the races and cultures, they’d be less likely to kill each other because they’d develop empathy that way. Before the Dungeons & Dragons world even heard of Electra and Sandra Nightwolf, there was a completely different tribeswoman who would break down racial barriers through her romantic escapades with Brutus Warcry. Her name was Kai Nightwolf.
Kai was not a warrior in any sense of the word. Her role within the Nightwolf Tribe was to heal those who came to her with illnesses, whether they were mental, physical, or spiritual. If you think a paladin’s “lay on hands” trick is pretty neat, try spending a night in Kai’s medical hut (don’t get any perverted ideas, you’re not getting any action). When entering Kai’s hut, think of yourself as a Diablo II character with one hit point left and poison running through your bloodstream. With one click, Kai will refill your health meter and expel the venom from your body. Okay, so that’s not exactly real time, but she was that good.
She had heard stories about the Warcry Tribe and how brutal they were (despite the Nightwolves being just as brutal themselves). And yet, when she was out picking herbs and berries for her natural medicine, a wounded warrior from the Warcry Tribe needed her the most. Kai knew this stranger was considered the enemy, but she still laid him on the ground and worked her healing magic. Within an hour of shamanistic rituals and medicine dances, Brutus was patched up and ready to go back into battle. But he didn’t want to go back to battle. He wanted to fall in love with Kai.
Brutus began to visit Kai more often even for little injuries like a hangnail or a splinter. The two of them began to realize how stupid racial hatred was. Despite their differences in flesh hues (Nightwolves were brown and Warcries were black), they went on dates together, long walks among the creek, naps in the forest, and they even made love once or twice. A barbaric extrovert like Brutus should have been used to having multiple women gather around him for sex. But this wasn’t sex with Kai. This was love making. This was a moment of beauty and passion, not shallowness and disgust. It’s because of moments like these that Kai and Brutus even considered running away from their respective tribes to get married.
Kai never made it. The day before she and Brutus could escape the tribal grounds, an army of Warcry warriors led by two unenlightened halfwits named Titus and Cabal surged through a Nightwolf encampment and slaughtered anybody with brown skin, including Kai, who had her head chopped off by Titus and Cabal themselves. Scalps were taken, weapons and treasures were looted, and dead bodies created an ocean of brown and red violence. Brutus found out about this heinous assault and excommunicated himself from the Warcry Tribe immediately.
Brutus was so heartbroken that he ran off to the city of Middlesex just to get away from his so called “family”. He never got over Kai. The feel of her smooth skin. The jasmine scent of her hair. The beauty of her chocolate eyes. The sensitivity and intellect within her tormented soul. Everything about Kai Nightwolf was beautiful to Brutus. He told this to his future wife Darthania and she too confessed that she never got over a past love of her own: a wizard named Randy Farrell. Brutus and Darthania were so lonely that they had nobody’s arms to run to but each other’s. They married while Kai and Randy’s spirits were floating in the heavens. Where’s the justice in that?
AGED: 23
OCCUPATION: Medicine Woman
CANON: Dungeons & Dragons: The Middlesex Campaign
Have you heard George Carlin’s latest idea for world peace? It’s simple: every person in the world has to get in a parallel line and shake the hands of the people in the other line. In other words, if everybody knew each other a little better in spite of the races and cultures, they’d be less likely to kill each other because they’d develop empathy that way. Before the Dungeons & Dragons world even heard of Electra and Sandra Nightwolf, there was a completely different tribeswoman who would break down racial barriers through her romantic escapades with Brutus Warcry. Her name was Kai Nightwolf.
Kai was not a warrior in any sense of the word. Her role within the Nightwolf Tribe was to heal those who came to her with illnesses, whether they were mental, physical, or spiritual. If you think a paladin’s “lay on hands” trick is pretty neat, try spending a night in Kai’s medical hut (don’t get any perverted ideas, you’re not getting any action). When entering Kai’s hut, think of yourself as a Diablo II character with one hit point left and poison running through your bloodstream. With one click, Kai will refill your health meter and expel the venom from your body. Okay, so that’s not exactly real time, but she was that good.
She had heard stories about the Warcry Tribe and how brutal they were (despite the Nightwolves being just as brutal themselves). And yet, when she was out picking herbs and berries for her natural medicine, a wounded warrior from the Warcry Tribe needed her the most. Kai knew this stranger was considered the enemy, but she still laid him on the ground and worked her healing magic. Within an hour of shamanistic rituals and medicine dances, Brutus was patched up and ready to go back into battle. But he didn’t want to go back to battle. He wanted to fall in love with Kai.
Brutus began to visit Kai more often even for little injuries like a hangnail or a splinter. The two of them began to realize how stupid racial hatred was. Despite their differences in flesh hues (Nightwolves were brown and Warcries were black), they went on dates together, long walks among the creek, naps in the forest, and they even made love once or twice. A barbaric extrovert like Brutus should have been used to having multiple women gather around him for sex. But this wasn’t sex with Kai. This was love making. This was a moment of beauty and passion, not shallowness and disgust. It’s because of moments like these that Kai and Brutus even considered running away from their respective tribes to get married.
Kai never made it. The day before she and Brutus could escape the tribal grounds, an army of Warcry warriors led by two unenlightened halfwits named Titus and Cabal surged through a Nightwolf encampment and slaughtered anybody with brown skin, including Kai, who had her head chopped off by Titus and Cabal themselves. Scalps were taken, weapons and treasures were looted, and dead bodies created an ocean of brown and red violence. Brutus found out about this heinous assault and excommunicated himself from the Warcry Tribe immediately.
Brutus was so heartbroken that he ran off to the city of Middlesex just to get away from his so called “family”. He never got over Kai. The feel of her smooth skin. The jasmine scent of her hair. The beauty of her chocolate eyes. The sensitivity and intellect within her tormented soul. Everything about Kai Nightwolf was beautiful to Brutus. He told this to his future wife Darthania and she too confessed that she never got over a past love of her own: a wizard named Randy Farrell. Brutus and Darthania were so lonely that they had nobody’s arms to run to but each other’s. They married while Kai and Randy’s spirits were floating in the heavens. Where’s the justice in that?
WWE TLCS: Erick Rowan vs. The Big Show
MATCH: Erick Rowan vs. The Big Show in a Steel Stairs Match
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Tables, Ladders, Chairs, and Stairs
YEAR: 2014
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence
GRADE: Pass
The WWE broadcast team calls The Big Show the World’s Largest Athlete for a reason. He’s over seven feet tall and weighs a quarter of a ton. He’s not just a guy who hit the genetic jackpot. He’s strong, agile, and hits so hard his victims feel the pain for years on end. The Big Show started his wrestling career in the 90’s with WCW and won several championships there. He jumped to WWE in the latter part of that decade and is still a dominant ass-kicker in today’s wrestling world, having won even more world championships and being billed as a future first ballot Hall of Famer. I can’t say The Wrestling Observer Newsletter readers like him very much judging from all the negative awards they’ve given him over the years, but whatever.
And then there’s his opponent Erick Rowan, a seven foot tall, over three hundred pound Generation Y member who just arrived on the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of The Wyatt Family. Though he never won any major championships while he was with the group, he did make a major impact as somebody who was also strong and agile at the same time. He and his brethren Luke Harper and Bray Wyatt have dominated WWE by assaulting top tier guys and leaving them broken heaps. The three of them even won a Best Gimmick award from the WON in 2013 for being a backwoods cult. The Wyatt Family has since split up on account of Bray Wyatt “curing” Luke Harper and Erick Rowan, but these three ring warriors are no less dangerous.
Rowan and Show’s rivalry started when they were both on Team Cena at the Survivor Series 2014 pay-per-view against Team Authority, where Big Show betrayed his team at the last minute by knocking out John Cena and having him eliminated. Though Team Cena would still win the match, the anger towards Big Show from the WWE Universe was still strong for his cowardly act. Who would be the first to confront him and show him what an idiot he was? Erick Rowan, who in no uncertain terms said he doesn’t like bullies before dispatching of The Big Show.
And now we have this Steel Stairs Match at the TLCS pay-per-view the following month of December. In this match, there are no count-outs or disqualifications, only pin falls or submissions. Steel ring stairs are not only legal to use as weapons, they’re encouraged as such. Steel ring stairs weigh about as much as a typically-sized wrestler, which is somewhere north of 220 lbs. Erick Rowan and The Big Show are so huge and so strong that when they pick up steel stairs, those big pieces of metal look like toys in their arms. They make lifting the stairs look easy and make using them as weapons look even easier. It’s like a D&D-style gnomish rogue carrying a punch dagger. It’s that easy and that crafty.
To start off the match, Erick Rowan threw a martial arts spin kick and knocked Big Show down. I repeat, a 350 lbs. man threw a spin kick like he was Adrian Neville or Sami Zayn, both of whom are cruiserweights. Then the two wrestlers threw each other into the posts, into the barricades, and slammed each other on the outside floor, which is made of concrete and nothing more.
After the beginning flurry from Erick Rowan, The Big Show put on a dominant, squash match-style performance for the rest of the fight. Among the things the Big Show used the steel stairs for included as a battering ram, as a throwing weapon, as a slamming surface, as bowling pins for throwing Erick Rowan, he even put that huge piece of metal on the English announce table and scared the crap out of Michael Cole, JBL, and Jerry Lawler.
Over and over, Big Show smashed Erick Rowan with those stairs and knocked him unconscious several times. Rowan was dizzy and dumb after multiple blows to the head. His “high IQ” dropped a few points after this destructive ass-beating. And then to top it all off, Big Show figured Erick Rowan was going to kick out anyways, so Show held the steel stairs against Rowan’s gigantic chest and pinned him for a three count with all of that pressure. Even a zombie wouldn’t be able to kick out of that.
The creative ways to beat people with stairs, the impact of the blunt force trauma, the easiness of their use by both men, and the athletic displays also by both men are all what make me want to give this match a passing grade. There’s just one thing that bothers me, but it’s not enough to demote this match to a mixed grade, so don’t worry. Ever since this one-sided ass-kicking from Big Show to Erick Rowan, the latter was very rarely seen on television, and by television I mean Raw and Smackdown and not anything on the WWE Network.
The last time I heard of Rowan’s whereabouts was that he had a match with “The Swiss Superman” Cesaro on a minor league show called WWE Superstars. How exactly does a former Wyatt Family member with that much hype go from a deadly war at TLCS to being mingled with lower-status wrestlers? My theory was that Erick Rowan was only carrying the top spot until various injured wrestlers came off the shelf. It’s sad and unfortunate to think of Erick Rowan that way. He had and still does have lots of potential.
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Tables, Ladders, Chairs, and Stairs
YEAR: 2014
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence
GRADE: Pass
The WWE broadcast team calls The Big Show the World’s Largest Athlete for a reason. He’s over seven feet tall and weighs a quarter of a ton. He’s not just a guy who hit the genetic jackpot. He’s strong, agile, and hits so hard his victims feel the pain for years on end. The Big Show started his wrestling career in the 90’s with WCW and won several championships there. He jumped to WWE in the latter part of that decade and is still a dominant ass-kicker in today’s wrestling world, having won even more world championships and being billed as a future first ballot Hall of Famer. I can’t say The Wrestling Observer Newsletter readers like him very much judging from all the negative awards they’ve given him over the years, but whatever.
And then there’s his opponent Erick Rowan, a seven foot tall, over three hundred pound Generation Y member who just arrived on the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of The Wyatt Family. Though he never won any major championships while he was with the group, he did make a major impact as somebody who was also strong and agile at the same time. He and his brethren Luke Harper and Bray Wyatt have dominated WWE by assaulting top tier guys and leaving them broken heaps. The three of them even won a Best Gimmick award from the WON in 2013 for being a backwoods cult. The Wyatt Family has since split up on account of Bray Wyatt “curing” Luke Harper and Erick Rowan, but these three ring warriors are no less dangerous.
Rowan and Show’s rivalry started when they were both on Team Cena at the Survivor Series 2014 pay-per-view against Team Authority, where Big Show betrayed his team at the last minute by knocking out John Cena and having him eliminated. Though Team Cena would still win the match, the anger towards Big Show from the WWE Universe was still strong for his cowardly act. Who would be the first to confront him and show him what an idiot he was? Erick Rowan, who in no uncertain terms said he doesn’t like bullies before dispatching of The Big Show.
And now we have this Steel Stairs Match at the TLCS pay-per-view the following month of December. In this match, there are no count-outs or disqualifications, only pin falls or submissions. Steel ring stairs are not only legal to use as weapons, they’re encouraged as such. Steel ring stairs weigh about as much as a typically-sized wrestler, which is somewhere north of 220 lbs. Erick Rowan and The Big Show are so huge and so strong that when they pick up steel stairs, those big pieces of metal look like toys in their arms. They make lifting the stairs look easy and make using them as weapons look even easier. It’s like a D&D-style gnomish rogue carrying a punch dagger. It’s that easy and that crafty.
To start off the match, Erick Rowan threw a martial arts spin kick and knocked Big Show down. I repeat, a 350 lbs. man threw a spin kick like he was Adrian Neville or Sami Zayn, both of whom are cruiserweights. Then the two wrestlers threw each other into the posts, into the barricades, and slammed each other on the outside floor, which is made of concrete and nothing more.
After the beginning flurry from Erick Rowan, The Big Show put on a dominant, squash match-style performance for the rest of the fight. Among the things the Big Show used the steel stairs for included as a battering ram, as a throwing weapon, as a slamming surface, as bowling pins for throwing Erick Rowan, he even put that huge piece of metal on the English announce table and scared the crap out of Michael Cole, JBL, and Jerry Lawler.
Over and over, Big Show smashed Erick Rowan with those stairs and knocked him unconscious several times. Rowan was dizzy and dumb after multiple blows to the head. His “high IQ” dropped a few points after this destructive ass-beating. And then to top it all off, Big Show figured Erick Rowan was going to kick out anyways, so Show held the steel stairs against Rowan’s gigantic chest and pinned him for a three count with all of that pressure. Even a zombie wouldn’t be able to kick out of that.
The creative ways to beat people with stairs, the impact of the blunt force trauma, the easiness of their use by both men, and the athletic displays also by both men are all what make me want to give this match a passing grade. There’s just one thing that bothers me, but it’s not enough to demote this match to a mixed grade, so don’t worry. Ever since this one-sided ass-kicking from Big Show to Erick Rowan, the latter was very rarely seen on television, and by television I mean Raw and Smackdown and not anything on the WWE Network.
The last time I heard of Rowan’s whereabouts was that he had a match with “The Swiss Superman” Cesaro on a minor league show called WWE Superstars. How exactly does a former Wyatt Family member with that much hype go from a deadly war at TLCS to being mingled with lower-status wrestlers? My theory was that Erick Rowan was only carrying the top spot until various injured wrestlers came off the shelf. It’s sad and unfortunate to think of Erick Rowan that way. He had and still does have lots of potential.
December 23, 2014
Laya Murderspell
NAME: Laya Murderspell
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: Sorceress
CANONS: Diablo II and Zeromancer
A dark fantasy novel wouldn’t be complete without a psychotic sorceress named Laya Murderspell. Any woman with “murder” in her last name has got to be trouble. After all, you wouldn’t want a woman named Laya Murderspell doing your taxes, would you? How about babysitting your children? Or taking you out for dinner and dancing at Taco Bell? I like a good burrito every now and then, but I love my life even more, which is why I won’t be romanced by Miss Murderspell anytime soon.
Laya is yet another dark fantasy character who got her start in a game of Diablo II: Lord of Destruction. As I’ve said with another sorceress whose name was Audrey Chainsaw, magic users aren’t my cup of tea when it comes to playing videogames. They’re not known for going toe-to-toe with their blades by their sides, so their fighting ability is extremely limited. They use magic attacks that require mana points. And once those mana points deplete, what then?
The other problem with Laya as a Diablo II character was her element of choice, which was fire. Burning people alive in a videogame is one of my favorite pastimes. But in this videogame, fire attacks don’t have the same nasty side effects that poison and cold elemental spells do, poison quickly depletes HP and cold magic slows movement.
What can you do with fire? Damage. That’s about it. If you’re going to do damage to somebody, would you rather it be with a barbarian with an axe (which requires no mana) or a sorceress with a fireball (which requires more mana than she’s worth).
In a 2011 dark fantasy novel I wrote called Zeromancer, Laya wasn’t bound down by videogame limits. I even dare say that she was a likeable character. She was the best friend of an Amazon warrior named Fatima Runetooth, who needed a best friend in the worst way after being sodomized by a gang of barbarians led by the main villain of that act, Rinehart Blackwolf.
Laya was a great friend who would do anything for Fatima. She would braid Fatima’s hair, share secrets with her, chat with her at 500 words per minute, and throw a fireball or a lightning bolt at anybody who tried to take advantage of her bestie. Laya Murderspell, despite having a scary last name, was great to have not only in the high school cafeteria, but also in the trenches.
I know I’ve been joking about Laya’s last name throughout this whole character analysis. And not one time did I joke about Laya sharing the same name, but different spelling with the metal bikini-wearing sex goddess from Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. If I really wanted to play the fan service angle, I could do that with Laya.
But the last name of Murderspell makes her a character to be feared instead of trusted. If I want to make her into a realistic hero, the last name has to be changed. Otherwise, she’ll be misconstrued as a villain for the rest of her existence. If she does get taken for a hero, she’ll only be good for one thing and that’s being undefeated in combat, which would in turn make her a Mary-Sue. In short, Laya Murderspell has a lot of reconstruction to undergo if she’s going to be used as a reliable hero. But since I have a shortage of female villains in my archives, I think keeping her as is would be best for business. Problem solved!
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: Sorceress
CANONS: Diablo II and Zeromancer
A dark fantasy novel wouldn’t be complete without a psychotic sorceress named Laya Murderspell. Any woman with “murder” in her last name has got to be trouble. After all, you wouldn’t want a woman named Laya Murderspell doing your taxes, would you? How about babysitting your children? Or taking you out for dinner and dancing at Taco Bell? I like a good burrito every now and then, but I love my life even more, which is why I won’t be romanced by Miss Murderspell anytime soon.
Laya is yet another dark fantasy character who got her start in a game of Diablo II: Lord of Destruction. As I’ve said with another sorceress whose name was Audrey Chainsaw, magic users aren’t my cup of tea when it comes to playing videogames. They’re not known for going toe-to-toe with their blades by their sides, so their fighting ability is extremely limited. They use magic attacks that require mana points. And once those mana points deplete, what then?
The other problem with Laya as a Diablo II character was her element of choice, which was fire. Burning people alive in a videogame is one of my favorite pastimes. But in this videogame, fire attacks don’t have the same nasty side effects that poison and cold elemental spells do, poison quickly depletes HP and cold magic slows movement.
What can you do with fire? Damage. That’s about it. If you’re going to do damage to somebody, would you rather it be with a barbarian with an axe (which requires no mana) or a sorceress with a fireball (which requires more mana than she’s worth).
In a 2011 dark fantasy novel I wrote called Zeromancer, Laya wasn’t bound down by videogame limits. I even dare say that she was a likeable character. She was the best friend of an Amazon warrior named Fatima Runetooth, who needed a best friend in the worst way after being sodomized by a gang of barbarians led by the main villain of that act, Rinehart Blackwolf.
Laya was a great friend who would do anything for Fatima. She would braid Fatima’s hair, share secrets with her, chat with her at 500 words per minute, and throw a fireball or a lightning bolt at anybody who tried to take advantage of her bestie. Laya Murderspell, despite having a scary last name, was great to have not only in the high school cafeteria, but also in the trenches.
I know I’ve been joking about Laya’s last name throughout this whole character analysis. And not one time did I joke about Laya sharing the same name, but different spelling with the metal bikini-wearing sex goddess from Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. If I really wanted to play the fan service angle, I could do that with Laya.
But the last name of Murderspell makes her a character to be feared instead of trusted. If I want to make her into a realistic hero, the last name has to be changed. Otherwise, she’ll be misconstrued as a villain for the rest of her existence. If she does get taken for a hero, she’ll only be good for one thing and that’s being undefeated in combat, which would in turn make her a Mary-Sue. In short, Laya Murderspell has a lot of reconstruction to undergo if she’s going to be used as a reliable hero. But since I have a shortage of female villains in my archives, I think keeping her as is would be best for business. Problem solved!
December 18, 2014
Clair Deus
NAME: Clair Deus
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: Witch Hunter
CANON: None
Back in the years 2007 and 2008, whenever I was strapped for fantasy movie script ideas, I would come up with multiple lists of 100 original characters and randomly select from those lists to determine which ones would be in the same story. The list items would have a name, a race, and a class. That’s it. No back story, no psychology, no flaws, just the basics. The good stuff would be developed as I wrote the script. Unfortunately, Clair Deus, Human Witch Hunter, was never randomly chosen for a script, so she stayed on the list she was a part of indefinitely.
But the more I thought about the potential Clair Deus had, the more I began to develop her for no real reason inside my own head. I always envisioned her as a medieval dark fantasy version of Kate Beckinsale’s character from the Underworld saga. The few differences were, Clair had gothic makeup on her face and used crossbows and magic wands instead of guns and knives. Not much original thought put into Clair’s character, I agree.
It was the characters closest to her on the list that allowed me to develop her even further. Many of those extra characters had “mancer” in their class title. “Mancer” is a Greek suffix that signifies the person has magical powers in the prefix of his choosing. For example, a pyromancer works with fire, because pyro is a prefix for fire. A cryomancer uses ice, a hydromancer uses water, an electromancer uses lightning, and of course, we all know after playing Diablo II for half of our lives that necromancers deal in death. With so many people surrounding Clair Deus’ spot on the list with “mancer” in their job titles, you’d think she would have plenty of “witches” to choose from when she goes hunting for evil bastards.
All of these possibilities flowing through my head made me wonder why I couldn’t just cherry pick characters from these lists and do whatever the hell I goddamn want. I favor random selection for a number of reasons. One, it’s an exercise in discipline. If I force myself to conform my story to the selections I’ve made, I will have established myself as a disciplined writer who didn’t let his only form of controlled chaos get too overwhelming. Two, if I randomly select from whatever list I’m working with, I’m giving every list item an equal chance of being chosen. When everything has an equal chance and there’s no favoritism of any kind, that would be the equivalent of parents raising multiple children. I treat list items like I would treat my own children if I wanted any: with justice and fairness.
Although I use randomness every day whenever I’m working creatively (in fact, I use it to choose blog topics as well), Clair Deus will have to settle for being an unemployed character on Garrison’s Library. But if she stayed there indefinitely, it would defeat the purpose of having old characters’ biographies on my blog in the first place. I want to use Clair in a dark fantasy story someday. The question is, how big of a role will she play (if any at all) and will she have enough flaws to make her a believable character rather than a Mary-Sue badass? That’s the problem I’ve faced in the past with a lot of my dark fantasy characters: they were too perfect for their own good. Nobody likes perfection, because life is far from perfect. Although we should all strive to be better people, we will never be perfect, which is what makes real life such an interesting story. Shouldn’t Clair Deus’ story reflect that kind of creativity? And before you ask, no, Clair’s last name isn’t a recycling of Deus Shadowheart’s first name. The two characters are unrelated.
AGE: 24
OCCUPATION: Witch Hunter
CANON: None
Back in the years 2007 and 2008, whenever I was strapped for fantasy movie script ideas, I would come up with multiple lists of 100 original characters and randomly select from those lists to determine which ones would be in the same story. The list items would have a name, a race, and a class. That’s it. No back story, no psychology, no flaws, just the basics. The good stuff would be developed as I wrote the script. Unfortunately, Clair Deus, Human Witch Hunter, was never randomly chosen for a script, so she stayed on the list she was a part of indefinitely.
But the more I thought about the potential Clair Deus had, the more I began to develop her for no real reason inside my own head. I always envisioned her as a medieval dark fantasy version of Kate Beckinsale’s character from the Underworld saga. The few differences were, Clair had gothic makeup on her face and used crossbows and magic wands instead of guns and knives. Not much original thought put into Clair’s character, I agree.
It was the characters closest to her on the list that allowed me to develop her even further. Many of those extra characters had “mancer” in their class title. “Mancer” is a Greek suffix that signifies the person has magical powers in the prefix of his choosing. For example, a pyromancer works with fire, because pyro is a prefix for fire. A cryomancer uses ice, a hydromancer uses water, an electromancer uses lightning, and of course, we all know after playing Diablo II for half of our lives that necromancers deal in death. With so many people surrounding Clair Deus’ spot on the list with “mancer” in their job titles, you’d think she would have plenty of “witches” to choose from when she goes hunting for evil bastards.
All of these possibilities flowing through my head made me wonder why I couldn’t just cherry pick characters from these lists and do whatever the hell I goddamn want. I favor random selection for a number of reasons. One, it’s an exercise in discipline. If I force myself to conform my story to the selections I’ve made, I will have established myself as a disciplined writer who didn’t let his only form of controlled chaos get too overwhelming. Two, if I randomly select from whatever list I’m working with, I’m giving every list item an equal chance of being chosen. When everything has an equal chance and there’s no favoritism of any kind, that would be the equivalent of parents raising multiple children. I treat list items like I would treat my own children if I wanted any: with justice and fairness.
Although I use randomness every day whenever I’m working creatively (in fact, I use it to choose blog topics as well), Clair Deus will have to settle for being an unemployed character on Garrison’s Library. But if she stayed there indefinitely, it would defeat the purpose of having old characters’ biographies on my blog in the first place. I want to use Clair in a dark fantasy story someday. The question is, how big of a role will she play (if any at all) and will she have enough flaws to make her a believable character rather than a Mary-Sue badass? That’s the problem I’ve faced in the past with a lot of my dark fantasy characters: they were too perfect for their own good. Nobody likes perfection, because life is far from perfect. Although we should all strive to be better people, we will never be perfect, which is what makes real life such an interesting story. Shouldn’t Clair Deus’ story reflect that kind of creativity? And before you ask, no, Clair’s last name isn’t a recycling of Deus Shadowheart’s first name. The two characters are unrelated.
The Lego Movie
MOVIE TITLE: The Lego Movie
DIRECTORS: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Kids Adventure
RATING: PG for comic mischief
GRADE: Extra Credit
In a world inhabited by Lego characters and creations, the evil Lord Business plans on using a weapon known as Kragle to freeze Lego parts in place and make everybody conform to his ideal utopia. The only thing that can neutralize Kragle is a special block known as the Piece of Resistance, which came into the hands of an everyday dork named Emmet Brickowski. Emmet has no fighting abilities nor creativity when it comes to building things, unlike the Master Builders he aligns himself with, who take full advantage of their creative prowess. Can an everyday loser like Emmet become something greater with this quest or will he forever be a conformist member of Lord Business’ bland culture?
This movie was so awesome that it became the first of the ones I’ve reviewed to be graded “extra credit”, which means it exceeded expectations. Then again, as a Lego collector myself who made an entire childhood of playtime with these toys, I’m kind of biased. The nostalgic feeling of a happy childhood made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. This movie has shown me that even though growing old is inevitable, but growing up is overrated. Kids learn the power of storytelling through Legos, just like I did. When they grow into adults, they’re still playing with Legos, but they’re recording the action in the form of art in order to better their wallets and their imaginations. You’re damn right I’m biased!
The message of retaining your creativity in the face of adversity is one that doesn’t get spread enough. We keep hearing about kids going to school and having their individuality crushed by sadistic teachers and cruel students. The last time I saw something like that, it was in the music videos for “The Happiest Days of Our Lives” and “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” by Pink Floyd. Another part of this equation is telling children that they’ll starve if they become artists. While it is hard to be an artist and survive, it’s even harder to be a soul-dead office jockey with high stress and a bland life. The Lego Movie makes us believe in the power of our imaginations once again with the antics of the Master Builders, one of which includes an 80’s astronaut named Benny who has a zealous fervor for building spaceships.
Last, but certainly not least, every intricate detail in The Lego Movie plays out like a child using his imagination to create a story for himself. Everything and everyone in this movie has a purpose. No stone is left unturned. The Piece of Resistance is a cap and Kragle is superglue. The Master Builders’ abilities to create anything they want allows them the weapons and equipment they need to overcome their villainous obstacles. The fan fiction elements (Superman, Batman, Ninjas, Gandalf, etc.) also have a purpose: because pop culture and nostalgic fuzzy feelings go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly, a snack eaten by those who refuse to grow up and be boring people.
Thank you, Lego Movie, for rekindling my interest in the toy franchise and reigniting my creative spirit. Thank you, Lego Movie, for telling us to never stop believing in ourselves, that we can create anything we want and still make a happy life for ourselves. Thank you, Lego Movie, for bringing happiness to my life when I was seriously doubting myself as a writer. Sometimes we just need somebody or something to tell us we can make it through life with our souls intact. The evils of the world such as politics, war, and prejudice often make us lose ourselves along the way. And then comes The Lego Movie to remind us that….(cue techno music)…”Everything is awesome!”
DIRECTORS: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Kids Adventure
RATING: PG for comic mischief
GRADE: Extra Credit
In a world inhabited by Lego characters and creations, the evil Lord Business plans on using a weapon known as Kragle to freeze Lego parts in place and make everybody conform to his ideal utopia. The only thing that can neutralize Kragle is a special block known as the Piece of Resistance, which came into the hands of an everyday dork named Emmet Brickowski. Emmet has no fighting abilities nor creativity when it comes to building things, unlike the Master Builders he aligns himself with, who take full advantage of their creative prowess. Can an everyday loser like Emmet become something greater with this quest or will he forever be a conformist member of Lord Business’ bland culture?
This movie was so awesome that it became the first of the ones I’ve reviewed to be graded “extra credit”, which means it exceeded expectations. Then again, as a Lego collector myself who made an entire childhood of playtime with these toys, I’m kind of biased. The nostalgic feeling of a happy childhood made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. This movie has shown me that even though growing old is inevitable, but growing up is overrated. Kids learn the power of storytelling through Legos, just like I did. When they grow into adults, they’re still playing with Legos, but they’re recording the action in the form of art in order to better their wallets and their imaginations. You’re damn right I’m biased!
The message of retaining your creativity in the face of adversity is one that doesn’t get spread enough. We keep hearing about kids going to school and having their individuality crushed by sadistic teachers and cruel students. The last time I saw something like that, it was in the music videos for “The Happiest Days of Our Lives” and “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” by Pink Floyd. Another part of this equation is telling children that they’ll starve if they become artists. While it is hard to be an artist and survive, it’s even harder to be a soul-dead office jockey with high stress and a bland life. The Lego Movie makes us believe in the power of our imaginations once again with the antics of the Master Builders, one of which includes an 80’s astronaut named Benny who has a zealous fervor for building spaceships.
Last, but certainly not least, every intricate detail in The Lego Movie plays out like a child using his imagination to create a story for himself. Everything and everyone in this movie has a purpose. No stone is left unturned. The Piece of Resistance is a cap and Kragle is superglue. The Master Builders’ abilities to create anything they want allows them the weapons and equipment they need to overcome their villainous obstacles. The fan fiction elements (Superman, Batman, Ninjas, Gandalf, etc.) also have a purpose: because pop culture and nostalgic fuzzy feelings go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly, a snack eaten by those who refuse to grow up and be boring people.
Thank you, Lego Movie, for rekindling my interest in the toy franchise and reigniting my creative spirit. Thank you, Lego Movie, for telling us to never stop believing in ourselves, that we can create anything we want and still make a happy life for ourselves. Thank you, Lego Movie, for bringing happiness to my life when I was seriously doubting myself as a writer. Sometimes we just need somebody or something to tell us we can make it through life with our souls intact. The evils of the world such as politics, war, and prejudice often make us lose ourselves along the way. And then comes The Lego Movie to remind us that….(cue techno music)…”Everything is awesome!”
