Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 118
June 11, 2015
WWE Payback: John Cena vs. Rusev
MATCH: John Cena vs. Rusev in an “I Quit” match for Cena’s United States Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Payback
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
Ever since arriving in the WWE in early 2014, Rusev has been an unstoppable force. With his manager slash girlfriend Lana as his mouthpiece, the two of them represented the Russian federation and Vladimir Putin in their quest to show how “weak” the United States of America is. With an undefeated streak that extended all the way to Wrestlemania of 2015 and a United States Championship reign, Rusev made a convincing case as to why he should be taken seriously. His endless victories were over the likes of Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, The Big Show, and the biggest American patriot of them all, Jack Swagger. He also caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in the form of two positive awards for 2014: Most Improved and Best Gimmick (alongside Lana as Russian nationalists).
To stop this runaway train known as Rusev, who is north of 300 lbs. and has backgrounds as a rower, a sumo wrestler, and a Muay Thai kick boxer, it would take someone who was not only known for winning big matches, but also for winning them consistently over the course of a 13-year career. That man was the 15-time World Champion, proud American patriot, and future Hall of Famer, John Cena. Cena couldn’t get the job done at WWE Fast Lane due to him passing out in Rusev’s submission hold The Accolade, which is really just his own version of a Camel Clutch. At Wrestlemania of that year, however, John Cena not only pinned Rusev, but handed the Russian nationalist his first defeat and took away the United States Championship.
By being undefeated for a lengthy period of time and beating the best in the world, Rusev made the United States Championship a legitimate award once again. John Cena continued that tradition when he issued a weekly open challenge for the title every night on Raw. So what kind of match would finally end the rivalry between two legitimate badass athletes who are so proud of their respective countries? How about an “I Quit” match at Payback. The rules of that match are exactly how they sound: there are no pin falls, submissions, count-outs, or disqualifications. The only way to win the match is to get your opponent to say “I Quit” when the referee holds a microphone to his face.
The match at Payback could very well be a top contender for Match of the Year and could catapult John Cena vs. Rusev in the Feud of the Year as well. Considering the fact that neither athlete would ever say “I Quit” (John Cena has a spotless record in this kind of match), they would have to do some horribly violent things to each other that not only hurt physically, but broke their spirits.
And boy did they ever torture each other. Rusev put on a martial arts clinic with his Muay Thai kicks and bullied John Cena around throughout much of the opening part of the match. But then as the match started taking place around the arena, Cena and Rusev were really turning up their game. They put each other through tables, threw each other against electrical equipment, rammed each other into barricades, there was even a spot when John Cena threw Rusev into the pyrotechnics area and ignited the fireworks. And Rusev still wouldn’t say “I Quit”! So John Cena suplexed Rusev through a metal barricade and bent the damn thing in half. Guess what: Rusev still wouldn’t quit!
The action returned to the ring and a desperate Rusev loosened to the top rope and bound it across John Cena’s face as he went for The Accolade. While Cena didn’t say, “I Quit”, he did pass out. However, passing out does not constitute a victory like it did at Fast Lane when it was one fall to a finish. The Russian nationalist would have to wake Cena up and try again. Except this time Cena was ready. He dropped Rusev on his stomach and applied his own submission hold, the STF, with the rope bound across the anti-American’s nose.
Referee Mike Chioda held the microphone to Rusev’s face and asked if he wanted to quit. Instead of giving a definitive answer, he started rambling on in a foreign language, either Russian (like his gimmick says he is) or Bulgarian (his actual native tongue). The only one who could translate what he was saying was his manager Lana, who promptly told the referee her boyfriend said “I Quit” and mercifully ended the match with John Cena still the United States Champion.
The ending to this match was shrouded in controversy since Rusev was rambling in a foreign language and didn’t make himself clear as to whether or not he actually quit the match. Lana basically had to throw in the towel for him, which made Rusev angry enough to want to dump his girlfriend and be on his own. The angry Bulgarian was supposed to compete at the Elimination Chamber event on the WWE Network for the Intercontinental Championship, but he fractured his ankle and put himself on the injured reserve list, though he still made appearances to harass Lana.
As for John Cena, the United States Championship is still a symbol of excellence and an example of American pride. He would eventually be defeated at the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view, but not for his championship. Instead it was a non-title match versus another brash up-and-comer, the NXT Champion Kevin Owens. Cena made Owens work hard for his victory and forced him to pull off flashy high risk moves that don’t normally come from a guy Owens’ size. Putting over Kevin Owens was a brave move on the part of WWE management and considering everything John Cena has been through not only with Rusev, but also his entire career, it was a worthy victory.
The future looks bright for both athletes despite a monumental loss for John Cena and an ankle injury for Rusev. High profile matches are written in the stars for these two deadly athletes and nobody is more deserving. Congratulations, you two, on putting on a badass match at Payback!
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Payback
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass
Ever since arriving in the WWE in early 2014, Rusev has been an unstoppable force. With his manager slash girlfriend Lana as his mouthpiece, the two of them represented the Russian federation and Vladimir Putin in their quest to show how “weak” the United States of America is. With an undefeated streak that extended all the way to Wrestlemania of 2015 and a United States Championship reign, Rusev made a convincing case as to why he should be taken seriously. His endless victories were over the likes of Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, The Big Show, and the biggest American patriot of them all, Jack Swagger. He also caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in the form of two positive awards for 2014: Most Improved and Best Gimmick (alongside Lana as Russian nationalists).
To stop this runaway train known as Rusev, who is north of 300 lbs. and has backgrounds as a rower, a sumo wrestler, and a Muay Thai kick boxer, it would take someone who was not only known for winning big matches, but also for winning them consistently over the course of a 13-year career. That man was the 15-time World Champion, proud American patriot, and future Hall of Famer, John Cena. Cena couldn’t get the job done at WWE Fast Lane due to him passing out in Rusev’s submission hold The Accolade, which is really just his own version of a Camel Clutch. At Wrestlemania of that year, however, John Cena not only pinned Rusev, but handed the Russian nationalist his first defeat and took away the United States Championship.
By being undefeated for a lengthy period of time and beating the best in the world, Rusev made the United States Championship a legitimate award once again. John Cena continued that tradition when he issued a weekly open challenge for the title every night on Raw. So what kind of match would finally end the rivalry between two legitimate badass athletes who are so proud of their respective countries? How about an “I Quit” match at Payback. The rules of that match are exactly how they sound: there are no pin falls, submissions, count-outs, or disqualifications. The only way to win the match is to get your opponent to say “I Quit” when the referee holds a microphone to his face.
The match at Payback could very well be a top contender for Match of the Year and could catapult John Cena vs. Rusev in the Feud of the Year as well. Considering the fact that neither athlete would ever say “I Quit” (John Cena has a spotless record in this kind of match), they would have to do some horribly violent things to each other that not only hurt physically, but broke their spirits.
And boy did they ever torture each other. Rusev put on a martial arts clinic with his Muay Thai kicks and bullied John Cena around throughout much of the opening part of the match. But then as the match started taking place around the arena, Cena and Rusev were really turning up their game. They put each other through tables, threw each other against electrical equipment, rammed each other into barricades, there was even a spot when John Cena threw Rusev into the pyrotechnics area and ignited the fireworks. And Rusev still wouldn’t say “I Quit”! So John Cena suplexed Rusev through a metal barricade and bent the damn thing in half. Guess what: Rusev still wouldn’t quit!
The action returned to the ring and a desperate Rusev loosened to the top rope and bound it across John Cena’s face as he went for The Accolade. While Cena didn’t say, “I Quit”, he did pass out. However, passing out does not constitute a victory like it did at Fast Lane when it was one fall to a finish. The Russian nationalist would have to wake Cena up and try again. Except this time Cena was ready. He dropped Rusev on his stomach and applied his own submission hold, the STF, with the rope bound across the anti-American’s nose.
Referee Mike Chioda held the microphone to Rusev’s face and asked if he wanted to quit. Instead of giving a definitive answer, he started rambling on in a foreign language, either Russian (like his gimmick says he is) or Bulgarian (his actual native tongue). The only one who could translate what he was saying was his manager Lana, who promptly told the referee her boyfriend said “I Quit” and mercifully ended the match with John Cena still the United States Champion.
The ending to this match was shrouded in controversy since Rusev was rambling in a foreign language and didn’t make himself clear as to whether or not he actually quit the match. Lana basically had to throw in the towel for him, which made Rusev angry enough to want to dump his girlfriend and be on his own. The angry Bulgarian was supposed to compete at the Elimination Chamber event on the WWE Network for the Intercontinental Championship, but he fractured his ankle and put himself on the injured reserve list, though he still made appearances to harass Lana.
As for John Cena, the United States Championship is still a symbol of excellence and an example of American pride. He would eventually be defeated at the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view, but not for his championship. Instead it was a non-title match versus another brash up-and-comer, the NXT Champion Kevin Owens. Cena made Owens work hard for his victory and forced him to pull off flashy high risk moves that don’t normally come from a guy Owens’ size. Putting over Kevin Owens was a brave move on the part of WWE management and considering everything John Cena has been through not only with Rusev, but also his entire career, it was a worthy victory.
The future looks bright for both athletes despite a monumental loss for John Cena and an ankle injury for Rusev. High profile matches are written in the stars for these two deadly athletes and nobody is more deserving. Congratulations, you two, on putting on a badass match at Payback!
June 9, 2015
Clue
MOVIE TITLE: Clue
DIRECTOR: Jonathan Lynn
YEAR: 1985
GENRE: Black Comedy Mystery
RATING: PG for mild violence and suggestive themes
GRADE: Pass
Mr. Boddy and his butler Wadsworth have invited six guests to their mansion for what seems like a normal dinner. That is, until it’s revealed that Mr. Boddy is the one blackmailing all six of them for their dirty little secrets. What started out as a citizen’s arrest for blackmail turned out to be a murder mystery involving several members of Mr. Boddy’s network of informants, all of whom are dropping dead as the night progresses. The police are scheduled to show up soon, so what will Wadsworth and his guests tell them once they show up?
If the names Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet, and Mr. Green sound familiar to you, it’s because you’ve been playing the board game Clue and are now discovering that it has been made into a full-length movie in 1985, my birth year. Hollywood has tried time and time again to draw creative fuel from even the most unlikely of sources. They’ve done it with Battleship, Dungeons & Dragons, Super Mario Brothers, and Street Fighter II. Some of these attempts have been successful, others have not. Clue is an example of an attempt that has been successful at least in my mind. Taking a board game and creating an elaborate black comedy out of it takes a lot of creativity on the part of the directors and screenwriters. Now all we need is for someone to make a movie out of Tetris, which sounds hard on the surface, but I’m sure someone out there is creative enough to do it.
You know what else I like about Clue? It can be easily adapted to theater. I have a minor in theater arts from Western Washington University, so seeing a play pulled off to perfection will always leave a smile on my face. The whole movie takes place in the mansion with only a few scenes taking place on the side of the road. While everything in the mansion will take place onstage, the road scenes could take place in the aisles. A little stagecraft never hurt anybody and since there are no unnecessary special effects, that makes adapting this film to theater that much easier. Watching the movie on DVD would be an excellent way for the actors to study their lines before getting on stage to perform.
Which brings me to the third and final reason why Clue gets a passing grade: the dialogue. Would you like some sound bites? Sure, you can have some sound bites. When Mr. Green asks, “Who would want to kill the cook?”, Miss Scarlet nonchalantly says, “Dinner wasn’t that bad.” Colonel Mustard didn’t think the wise crack was funny, but I thought it was hilarious. There’s also a scene where Mr. Green, who revealed himself to be gay at the beginning of the movie, say he’s a plant for the FBI. Miss Scarlet, being the smart-ass she is, says, “A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.” Not only do the characters in this movie all have silver tongues, but they’re sharper than a barbarian’s battleaxe. Witty banter and snarky remarks can be expected from the start of the movie until the very end.
Even though I was only nine years old when I first saw this movie, I still had enough hormones within me to have a crush on Yvette the Maid. She was this super cute woman with a French accent and a French maid’s outfit. It may be a PG-rated movie, but there was some definite sexual tension between the audience and Yvette. Have you seen the actress in today’s world? The sexual tension will be gone within seconds and your hormone-induced childhood will be over. But hey, it was fun while it lasted, right? If I sound like a shallow pig right now, it’s because I’m a guy and I take special notice of these things all the time. I should start drinking my Diet Coke from a trough. Hehe!
If you want a nostalgic experience, a chance to see creativity at work, or if you want to ogle Yvette the Maid before you find out what she looks like in today’s world, check out Clue and give it a passing grade yourself. And if anybody tries to ruin this fun viewing experience for you, then make the following accusation: you killed the critic in the hall with the revolver. Or if you really want to know what it’s like to beat someone with a candlestick, give that a try to. Either way, don’t let a bunch of mixed reviews spoil what should be a pleasant viewing experience.
DIRECTOR: Jonathan Lynn
YEAR: 1985
GENRE: Black Comedy Mystery
RATING: PG for mild violence and suggestive themes
GRADE: Pass
Mr. Boddy and his butler Wadsworth have invited six guests to their mansion for what seems like a normal dinner. That is, until it’s revealed that Mr. Boddy is the one blackmailing all six of them for their dirty little secrets. What started out as a citizen’s arrest for blackmail turned out to be a murder mystery involving several members of Mr. Boddy’s network of informants, all of whom are dropping dead as the night progresses. The police are scheduled to show up soon, so what will Wadsworth and his guests tell them once they show up?
If the names Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet, and Mr. Green sound familiar to you, it’s because you’ve been playing the board game Clue and are now discovering that it has been made into a full-length movie in 1985, my birth year. Hollywood has tried time and time again to draw creative fuel from even the most unlikely of sources. They’ve done it with Battleship, Dungeons & Dragons, Super Mario Brothers, and Street Fighter II. Some of these attempts have been successful, others have not. Clue is an example of an attempt that has been successful at least in my mind. Taking a board game and creating an elaborate black comedy out of it takes a lot of creativity on the part of the directors and screenwriters. Now all we need is for someone to make a movie out of Tetris, which sounds hard on the surface, but I’m sure someone out there is creative enough to do it.
You know what else I like about Clue? It can be easily adapted to theater. I have a minor in theater arts from Western Washington University, so seeing a play pulled off to perfection will always leave a smile on my face. The whole movie takes place in the mansion with only a few scenes taking place on the side of the road. While everything in the mansion will take place onstage, the road scenes could take place in the aisles. A little stagecraft never hurt anybody and since there are no unnecessary special effects, that makes adapting this film to theater that much easier. Watching the movie on DVD would be an excellent way for the actors to study their lines before getting on stage to perform.
Which brings me to the third and final reason why Clue gets a passing grade: the dialogue. Would you like some sound bites? Sure, you can have some sound bites. When Mr. Green asks, “Who would want to kill the cook?”, Miss Scarlet nonchalantly says, “Dinner wasn’t that bad.” Colonel Mustard didn’t think the wise crack was funny, but I thought it was hilarious. There’s also a scene where Mr. Green, who revealed himself to be gay at the beginning of the movie, say he’s a plant for the FBI. Miss Scarlet, being the smart-ass she is, says, “A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.” Not only do the characters in this movie all have silver tongues, but they’re sharper than a barbarian’s battleaxe. Witty banter and snarky remarks can be expected from the start of the movie until the very end.
Even though I was only nine years old when I first saw this movie, I still had enough hormones within me to have a crush on Yvette the Maid. She was this super cute woman with a French accent and a French maid’s outfit. It may be a PG-rated movie, but there was some definite sexual tension between the audience and Yvette. Have you seen the actress in today’s world? The sexual tension will be gone within seconds and your hormone-induced childhood will be over. But hey, it was fun while it lasted, right? If I sound like a shallow pig right now, it’s because I’m a guy and I take special notice of these things all the time. I should start drinking my Diet Coke from a trough. Hehe!
If you want a nostalgic experience, a chance to see creativity at work, or if you want to ogle Yvette the Maid before you find out what she looks like in today’s world, check out Clue and give it a passing grade yourself. And if anybody tries to ruin this fun viewing experience for you, then make the following accusation: you killed the critic in the hall with the revolver. Or if you really want to know what it’s like to beat someone with a candlestick, give that a try to. Either way, don’t let a bunch of mixed reviews spoil what should be a pleasant viewing experience.
June 5, 2015
Tony Wayne
NAME: Tony Wayne
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Competitive Motorcyclist
CANON: The Motorcycle Man
If there’s ever any doubt as to whether or not Tony Wayne should be on my unemployed list, consider this: “The Motorcycle Man” was a movie script I wrote in the early 90’s. When I was alive and well in the early 90’s, I was still going to elementary school in Vancouver, Washington. Do you think that a little kid at that age has it in him to write a full-length movie script? That’s a lot of work for someone that small. I had a hard enough time figuring out adding and subtracting.
Paying attention to literary details? That was clearly asking too much. The script for The Motorcycle Man amounted to me writing all of the dialogue for Tony Wayne and nothing more. The “script” was about as long as a half sheet of sketching paper. But it must have been a movie script, because it had the Parntitmount (which was how I spelled “Paramount”) logo at the beginning of it. Back then I took more interest in the vanity logos than I did with the actual movies. Comprehension was not my strong suit when I was a kid. Then again, it might be because I was born with autism. Or it could be because I was a kid and didn’t know better.
The vision I had for this movie came about when I went to a yard sale with my mom and she got me a little toy motorcycle with a rubber rider on top of it. I would run this motorcycle all over the furniture thinking the couches, desks, and boxes were all part of an elaborate obstacle course. I could have fight scenes, chase scenes, and the occasional gratuitous showing off with this toy alone. Tony Wayne, at least in my imagination, was America’s next big action movie hero.
You’re probably wondering why I would resurrect a character from my childhood and bring him into my adult life considering Tony Wayne didn’t have a whole lot going for him in the way of development. You would be right to ask such a bold question, because Tony’s resume is a blank slate at this point. Yes, he entertained me for hours as a toy, but as a character in one of my stories, he doesn’t have much to work with.
Okay, so he’s a motorcyclist and an action hero. Since I’m not into motocross or anything like that, I should just stick Tony in the action hero category. If that’s the case, he would be a lot like those guys in “The Fast and The Furious”: a bunch of con men trying to get away with something. But since Tony is meant to be a hero, his conning could be seen as an homage to Robin Hood. Let’s see if his motorcycle trickery can get him across the Canadian border when he makes off with a backpack full of Citi Bank’s money.
I know, I know. It’s a backpack, so mass wealth distribution isn’t going to work out the way he had hoped. But maybe he can bring the backpack to a homeless hangout that’s really personal to him. One act of Robin Hood kindness can spread quicker than a Trojan Horse virus on the internet. Would that mean Tony Wayne has partners in crime? The more, the merrier! He could start his own motorcycle gang and do good for the people instead of exploiting them like the Hell’s Angels and Mongrels do.
Anywhere with an action and adventure setting is sure to attract a thrill-seeker such as Tony Wayne. He could visit Disneyland and ride his motorcycle across the rollercoaster tracks in an attempt to thwart an evil plot. He could jump across the Grand Canyon to thwart another evil plot. He could ride across the stage at Carolina Rebellion and have Lamb of God be his live soundtrack. That’s the beautiful thing about having a clean slate: they’re fun to fill up. Would you rather have an experienced character who has so much baggage or would you rather have a young gun you can mold into whatever you want? Think about it.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Neville is so quick that every time I try to call his matches, I get more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.”
-Jerry Lawler-
AGE: 30
OCCUPATION: Competitive Motorcyclist
CANON: The Motorcycle Man
If there’s ever any doubt as to whether or not Tony Wayne should be on my unemployed list, consider this: “The Motorcycle Man” was a movie script I wrote in the early 90’s. When I was alive and well in the early 90’s, I was still going to elementary school in Vancouver, Washington. Do you think that a little kid at that age has it in him to write a full-length movie script? That’s a lot of work for someone that small. I had a hard enough time figuring out adding and subtracting.
Paying attention to literary details? That was clearly asking too much. The script for The Motorcycle Man amounted to me writing all of the dialogue for Tony Wayne and nothing more. The “script” was about as long as a half sheet of sketching paper. But it must have been a movie script, because it had the Parntitmount (which was how I spelled “Paramount”) logo at the beginning of it. Back then I took more interest in the vanity logos than I did with the actual movies. Comprehension was not my strong suit when I was a kid. Then again, it might be because I was born with autism. Or it could be because I was a kid and didn’t know better.
The vision I had for this movie came about when I went to a yard sale with my mom and she got me a little toy motorcycle with a rubber rider on top of it. I would run this motorcycle all over the furniture thinking the couches, desks, and boxes were all part of an elaborate obstacle course. I could have fight scenes, chase scenes, and the occasional gratuitous showing off with this toy alone. Tony Wayne, at least in my imagination, was America’s next big action movie hero.
You’re probably wondering why I would resurrect a character from my childhood and bring him into my adult life considering Tony Wayne didn’t have a whole lot going for him in the way of development. You would be right to ask such a bold question, because Tony’s resume is a blank slate at this point. Yes, he entertained me for hours as a toy, but as a character in one of my stories, he doesn’t have much to work with.
Okay, so he’s a motorcyclist and an action hero. Since I’m not into motocross or anything like that, I should just stick Tony in the action hero category. If that’s the case, he would be a lot like those guys in “The Fast and The Furious”: a bunch of con men trying to get away with something. But since Tony is meant to be a hero, his conning could be seen as an homage to Robin Hood. Let’s see if his motorcycle trickery can get him across the Canadian border when he makes off with a backpack full of Citi Bank’s money.
I know, I know. It’s a backpack, so mass wealth distribution isn’t going to work out the way he had hoped. But maybe he can bring the backpack to a homeless hangout that’s really personal to him. One act of Robin Hood kindness can spread quicker than a Trojan Horse virus on the internet. Would that mean Tony Wayne has partners in crime? The more, the merrier! He could start his own motorcycle gang and do good for the people instead of exploiting them like the Hell’s Angels and Mongrels do.
Anywhere with an action and adventure setting is sure to attract a thrill-seeker such as Tony Wayne. He could visit Disneyland and ride his motorcycle across the rollercoaster tracks in an attempt to thwart an evil plot. He could jump across the Grand Canyon to thwart another evil plot. He could ride across the stage at Carolina Rebellion and have Lamb of God be his live soundtrack. That’s the beautiful thing about having a clean slate: they’re fun to fill up. Would you rather have an experienced character who has so much baggage or would you rather have a young gun you can mold into whatever you want? Think about it.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Neville is so quick that every time I try to call his matches, I get more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.”
-Jerry Lawler-
June 4, 2015
Sonya Jade
NAME: Sonya Jade
AGE: 18
OCCUPATION: Student
CANON: Beauty and the Barbarian
As humans looking for a loving companion, we owe it to ourselves and our partners to find a balance between romance and shallowness. We all have shallow instincts whether we want financial stability or physical beauty from our significant other. And then you have a woman like Sonya Jade, who recently got “fired” from a short story that was included in the now defunct anthology Dragon Machinegun, “Beauty and the Barbarian”. Her claim to fame would have been the fantasy genre’s most shallow woman if she actually rose to that level of notoriety.
Sonya was the beauty, obviously, and the barbarian was a super handsome gentleman named Ogre Bladefist. Sonya found herself in trouble no matter where she went. She was almost molested by a group of goblins after leaving a tavern drunk as a skunk. She was also bloodily spanked by a group of teachers and schoolmasters at a religious college. Who would rescue her from both of these brutal assaults? Ogre, no less. In addition to being easy on the eyes, he was also a vicious fighter who shattered bones with the laziest of efforts. A muscle-bound stud with ponytail hair and overly protective fighting skills? Cha-ching! Sonya scored big time!
Sonya would have spent the rest of the night in bed pleasuring herself if it hadn’t been for Ogre sneaking into her cottage and…(clears throat)…”giving her a hand with that”. The orgasm of the century was on the horizon until a bitchy old witch named Rose Lovelace tracked Ogre down and turned him into the most hideous monster she could think of. Brown razor teeth, shit-covered fur, constant green drool…basically, all of the things in a monster that gave Sonya nightmares and nausea fits. Could she still love her man after all of this?
Therein lies the question of the day. If she was really the deep thinking, three-dimensional character we all want to get behind (in more ways than sodomy), then she would have stayed with Ogre until the very end. But she didn’t. She immediately demanded that her man sneak into Rose Lovelace’s castle and abscond a cure for his ugliness. After an uphill battle with the nearly indestructible Rose, Ogre found the cure, but chose not to stay with Sonya after she showed her true colors. To be honest, I couldn’t blame him for the choice he made and my readers probably couldn’t either.
So there you have it: a harsh way of telling my audience to choose everlasting love and a beautiful soul over something as temporary as good looks and an oversized bank account. As someone with a round tummy and no employment history, I’ve been preaching this message for a long, long time. Am I biased? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean the message can’t have any meaning. Unfortunately, due to the piss-poor writing style I used to write “Beauty and the Barbarian”, it never saw the fame and fortune it could have potentially had.
Besides, what could I truly do with a woman like Sonya Jade? Her shallow point of view doesn’t make her very sympathetic. But her beauty could be an asset to someone for reasons other than animalistic sex. She has long purple hair, milky white skin, rose red lips, and irises that live up to her last name. That, and she happens to be a passionate lover. I could see Sonya Jade being a seductive rogue character in a D&D campaign. She could use her beauty and passion to make men (and lesbian women) fall in love with her while Sonya steals their riches right from under their noses.
And then to really make her three-dimensional, she could donate her treasure to a worthy cause such as protecting animals from being abused or giving shelter to rape victims who want to run away from their own abusers. As my lovely beta reader Marie Krepps once said, “Talk dirty to me!” Of course, she wasn’t trying to come on to me; she was merely suggesting that my ideas were good. I hope she likes this idea as well!
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“There are millions of fine-looking women in the world. They won’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them will just cheat on you.”
-Silent Bob from “Clerks”-
AGE: 18
OCCUPATION: Student
CANON: Beauty and the Barbarian
As humans looking for a loving companion, we owe it to ourselves and our partners to find a balance between romance and shallowness. We all have shallow instincts whether we want financial stability or physical beauty from our significant other. And then you have a woman like Sonya Jade, who recently got “fired” from a short story that was included in the now defunct anthology Dragon Machinegun, “Beauty and the Barbarian”. Her claim to fame would have been the fantasy genre’s most shallow woman if she actually rose to that level of notoriety.
Sonya was the beauty, obviously, and the barbarian was a super handsome gentleman named Ogre Bladefist. Sonya found herself in trouble no matter where she went. She was almost molested by a group of goblins after leaving a tavern drunk as a skunk. She was also bloodily spanked by a group of teachers and schoolmasters at a religious college. Who would rescue her from both of these brutal assaults? Ogre, no less. In addition to being easy on the eyes, he was also a vicious fighter who shattered bones with the laziest of efforts. A muscle-bound stud with ponytail hair and overly protective fighting skills? Cha-ching! Sonya scored big time!
Sonya would have spent the rest of the night in bed pleasuring herself if it hadn’t been for Ogre sneaking into her cottage and…(clears throat)…”giving her a hand with that”. The orgasm of the century was on the horizon until a bitchy old witch named Rose Lovelace tracked Ogre down and turned him into the most hideous monster she could think of. Brown razor teeth, shit-covered fur, constant green drool…basically, all of the things in a monster that gave Sonya nightmares and nausea fits. Could she still love her man after all of this?
Therein lies the question of the day. If she was really the deep thinking, three-dimensional character we all want to get behind (in more ways than sodomy), then she would have stayed with Ogre until the very end. But she didn’t. She immediately demanded that her man sneak into Rose Lovelace’s castle and abscond a cure for his ugliness. After an uphill battle with the nearly indestructible Rose, Ogre found the cure, but chose not to stay with Sonya after she showed her true colors. To be honest, I couldn’t blame him for the choice he made and my readers probably couldn’t either.
So there you have it: a harsh way of telling my audience to choose everlasting love and a beautiful soul over something as temporary as good looks and an oversized bank account. As someone with a round tummy and no employment history, I’ve been preaching this message for a long, long time. Am I biased? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean the message can’t have any meaning. Unfortunately, due to the piss-poor writing style I used to write “Beauty and the Barbarian”, it never saw the fame and fortune it could have potentially had.
Besides, what could I truly do with a woman like Sonya Jade? Her shallow point of view doesn’t make her very sympathetic. But her beauty could be an asset to someone for reasons other than animalistic sex. She has long purple hair, milky white skin, rose red lips, and irises that live up to her last name. That, and she happens to be a passionate lover. I could see Sonya Jade being a seductive rogue character in a D&D campaign. She could use her beauty and passion to make men (and lesbian women) fall in love with her while Sonya steals their riches right from under their noses.
And then to really make her three-dimensional, she could donate her treasure to a worthy cause such as protecting animals from being abused or giving shelter to rape victims who want to run away from their own abusers. As my lovely beta reader Marie Krepps once said, “Talk dirty to me!” Of course, she wasn’t trying to come on to me; she was merely suggesting that my ideas were good. I hope she likes this idea as well!
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“There are millions of fine-looking women in the world. They won’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them will just cheat on you.”
-Silent Bob from “Clerks”-
June 2, 2015
NCIS: Los Angeles
TV SHOW TITLE: NCIS: Los Angeles
CREATOR: Shane Brennan
YEARS ACTIVE: 2009-present
GENRE: Crime Drama
RATING: TV-PG or TV-14, depending on the level of violence
GRADE: Pass
The NCIS Special Ops team solves Navy and Marine-based murders in Los Angeles using a mixture of raw firepower and technological brilliance. Every case they tackle has national security implications and creating international incidents would not be uncommon among the crooks. Through it all, this dedicated team of government agents has each other’s backs until the very end. There may be the occasional infighting, but loyalty and efficiency always come first when completing a mission.
As of today, there are three different NCIS shows: one based in Washington, DC, one based in New Orleans, and the subject of today’s review, the one based in Los Angeles. Out of all three of these franchises, Los Angeles can be considered the most action-packed, which is perfect for anyone looking to get out their primal urges. The shootouts are dramatic, the explosions are intense, the fight scenes are brutal, and every victory achieved by the NCIS team is earned with blood. Occasionally, there will be a Deus Ex Machina ending where a bunch of soldiers come in to save our agents asses, but they don’t come without a compelling explanation, hence why they’re not Deus Ex endings anymore. If you want raw action that makes Bruce Lee movies look like TV-Y snore fests, NCIS; LA is your kind of show.
But of course, no matter which part of the country NCIS is stationed, there will always be colorful characters that bring the series to life and give the audience a reason to be giddy, even if only for a few minutes before the heart-racing action begins. The two main agents are G. Callen and Sam Hanna, two guys who can have a conversation about anything and make it sound like a lot of fun. Then there are the two technical geeks, Eric Beal and Nell Jones, who can be described as delightfully nerdy and giggle-worthy. Then there are the two overseers, Director Henrietta Lange and Assistant Director Owen Granger, who while they both employ a more serious and stern conversational style, they’re still fun to watch since these are two people who make their opponents pay dearly for their sins.
I’d be remised if I didn’t mention the one partnership that everybody is starry-eyed and lovey-dovey about: Detective Marty Deeks and Special Agent Kensi Blye. Marty Deeks can be described as a smart-ass who can crack jokes at seemingly the most serious times. Kensi is the straight woman to all of Marty’s jokes. In fact, she has snarky remarks of her own that bring their chemistry to almost romantic levels on screen. NCIS: Los Angeles fans have been clamoring for these two to finally become a couple instead of just partners. After comforting each other for recent traumas they went through and being around when they need a good emotional breakdown, the fans are sooner than later going to get their chance. And when they do get together, it’s going to be television magic. The fan boys and fan girls will be doing back flips and somersaults, trust me on this one.
If a show comes on TV and it has the NCIS tag in front of it, don’t change the channel. NCIS: Los Angeles is no exception to this rule. It is fast-paced, it is witty, it is heartbreaking, and it will bring the audience and characters closer together with every episode. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wipe something out of my eye after talking about Deeks and Kensi, otherwise known as Densi.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DEEKS: Am I missing something here?
KENSI: Yeah, a cerebral cortex.
CREATOR: Shane Brennan
YEARS ACTIVE: 2009-present
GENRE: Crime Drama
RATING: TV-PG or TV-14, depending on the level of violence
GRADE: Pass
The NCIS Special Ops team solves Navy and Marine-based murders in Los Angeles using a mixture of raw firepower and technological brilliance. Every case they tackle has national security implications and creating international incidents would not be uncommon among the crooks. Through it all, this dedicated team of government agents has each other’s backs until the very end. There may be the occasional infighting, but loyalty and efficiency always come first when completing a mission.
As of today, there are three different NCIS shows: one based in Washington, DC, one based in New Orleans, and the subject of today’s review, the one based in Los Angeles. Out of all three of these franchises, Los Angeles can be considered the most action-packed, which is perfect for anyone looking to get out their primal urges. The shootouts are dramatic, the explosions are intense, the fight scenes are brutal, and every victory achieved by the NCIS team is earned with blood. Occasionally, there will be a Deus Ex Machina ending where a bunch of soldiers come in to save our agents asses, but they don’t come without a compelling explanation, hence why they’re not Deus Ex endings anymore. If you want raw action that makes Bruce Lee movies look like TV-Y snore fests, NCIS; LA is your kind of show.
But of course, no matter which part of the country NCIS is stationed, there will always be colorful characters that bring the series to life and give the audience a reason to be giddy, even if only for a few minutes before the heart-racing action begins. The two main agents are G. Callen and Sam Hanna, two guys who can have a conversation about anything and make it sound like a lot of fun. Then there are the two technical geeks, Eric Beal and Nell Jones, who can be described as delightfully nerdy and giggle-worthy. Then there are the two overseers, Director Henrietta Lange and Assistant Director Owen Granger, who while they both employ a more serious and stern conversational style, they’re still fun to watch since these are two people who make their opponents pay dearly for their sins.
I’d be remised if I didn’t mention the one partnership that everybody is starry-eyed and lovey-dovey about: Detective Marty Deeks and Special Agent Kensi Blye. Marty Deeks can be described as a smart-ass who can crack jokes at seemingly the most serious times. Kensi is the straight woman to all of Marty’s jokes. In fact, she has snarky remarks of her own that bring their chemistry to almost romantic levels on screen. NCIS: Los Angeles fans have been clamoring for these two to finally become a couple instead of just partners. After comforting each other for recent traumas they went through and being around when they need a good emotional breakdown, the fans are sooner than later going to get their chance. And when they do get together, it’s going to be television magic. The fan boys and fan girls will be doing back flips and somersaults, trust me on this one.
If a show comes on TV and it has the NCIS tag in front of it, don’t change the channel. NCIS: Los Angeles is no exception to this rule. It is fast-paced, it is witty, it is heartbreaking, and it will bring the audience and characters closer together with every episode. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wipe something out of my eye after talking about Deeks and Kensi, otherwise known as Densi.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DEEKS: Am I missing something here?
KENSI: Yeah, a cerebral cortex.
May 30, 2015
Violet Smith
NAME: Violet Smith
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: Mixed-Martial Artist
CANON: Choice
Abortion is a sensitive topic no matter who you talk to. The mixed-martial arts community are not known for their sensitivity. So why then would I in 2012 write ten-page long story that combines both of those things? The MMA community is the same group of people who went bat shit crazy when Fallon Fox came out as a transsexual woman. How do you think they’re going to handle news of a female fighter having an abortion so that she can continue her career? They’re going to handle it the same way conservative wing nut and MMA fighter Violet Smith handled it: with hellfire and fury.
In the story known as “Choice”, the main character and fellow MMA featherweight Rachel Gustafson dispels pregnancy rumors at a press conference by sugar coating the fact that she had an abortion. Violet Smith, another featherweight and a religious zealot, screamed at Rachel and almost got in a fight with her right there at the conference. Somewhere down the line, Rachel and Violet would meet inside the eight sides of steel. Not only would Rachel win in the first round, but she would steal Violet’s abused boyfriend Neil Hahn afterwards.
I’ve always envisioned Violet Smith as being the conservative version of fellow female villain Colleen Owens. Violet is loud, obnoxious, in-your-face, crass, rude, and egotistical. To show you how much of a crazy bitch she is, in “Choice”, she compared Rachel Gustafson to kid rapist Phil Garrido in the sense of how they treat small children. If that doesn’t get your blood boiling, nothing will. That’s the kind of sick joke that causes PTSD in a lot of people. Violet Smith was the clear villain of that short story.
But did she need to be THAT much of a villain? Did she need to achieve Complete Monster status by not only traumatizing women who’ve had abortions, but also abusing her boyfriend at the time Neil Hahn? The poor guy had a 1-4 MMA record and thought he could jump start his career by hanging out with a woman who was 12-3, a former Women’s Featherweight Champion, and a multiple time post-fight bonus money winner. Neil shed the blood, sweat, and tears it took to be an MMA elite, but only because he was being slapped in the face and screamed at by Violet, criminal that she was.
As a writer, it’s my job to invoke emotions within my readers. Extreme anger may not be the best choice, which is why Violet Smith is currently in my unemployed pile. I actually had an idea of what I could do with her. I could Clockwork Orange her ass! Yeah! If she wants to go around beating up helpless women and downtrodden men, let her pay the same price as Alex De Large.
She could be shown films of anti-abortion and other Christian crusaders committing violence while a Demon Hunter, Skillet, or We As Human song is playing in the background. And then afterwards she can confront the ghosts of those she hurt in a sensory deprivation chamber, but that’s not Clockwork Orange, that’s Tales From the Hood’s fourth story Hardcore Convert.
But if I put Violet Smith through a Clockwork Orange storyline, will she be as defiant as she was when she was free or will she break down and have a moment of clarity? Can she really look a hallucination of Rachel Gustafson in the eyes and ask for forgiveness? Can she do the same thing to real life female MMA fighters like Liz Carmouche and Raquel Pennington, who are both openly lesbian and probably offended by Violet’s zeal?
But since this is an MMA fighter we’re talking about, maybe instead of confronting the hallucinations and giving them a bunch of false answers, we could have an actual match. Yeah! If Violet is really as remorseless as she says she is, let’s see if she can put Jessica Andrade in a rear-naked choke or TKO Fallon Fox into oblivion. If that’s the case, she won’t be winning any major championships. She’ll be showing the prison guards that she’s far from ready for normal society.
The Clockwork Orange angle is just one possibility that I’ve thought about. There are so many other things she can do. She can be a Dungeons & Dragons cleric for all I care. And since she’s good at unarmed combat, she can probably be a cleric and monk homebrew class. She can tell people to “Choose life!” while throwing a flying bullet kick a la Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat. But no matter what role she took, she will always be a villain due to her obnoxious Complete Monster mentality. In the case of D&D, she would be a level five lawful evil cleric/monk. Violet, have you met my good friends Deus Shadowheart and Brutus Warcry? They’re dying to get to know you! Hehe!
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I apologize, you son of a bitch!”
-Vince McMahon to CM Punk-
AGE: 28
OCCUPATION: Mixed-Martial Artist
CANON: Choice
Abortion is a sensitive topic no matter who you talk to. The mixed-martial arts community are not known for their sensitivity. So why then would I in 2012 write ten-page long story that combines both of those things? The MMA community is the same group of people who went bat shit crazy when Fallon Fox came out as a transsexual woman. How do you think they’re going to handle news of a female fighter having an abortion so that she can continue her career? They’re going to handle it the same way conservative wing nut and MMA fighter Violet Smith handled it: with hellfire and fury.
In the story known as “Choice”, the main character and fellow MMA featherweight Rachel Gustafson dispels pregnancy rumors at a press conference by sugar coating the fact that she had an abortion. Violet Smith, another featherweight and a religious zealot, screamed at Rachel and almost got in a fight with her right there at the conference. Somewhere down the line, Rachel and Violet would meet inside the eight sides of steel. Not only would Rachel win in the first round, but she would steal Violet’s abused boyfriend Neil Hahn afterwards.
I’ve always envisioned Violet Smith as being the conservative version of fellow female villain Colleen Owens. Violet is loud, obnoxious, in-your-face, crass, rude, and egotistical. To show you how much of a crazy bitch she is, in “Choice”, she compared Rachel Gustafson to kid rapist Phil Garrido in the sense of how they treat small children. If that doesn’t get your blood boiling, nothing will. That’s the kind of sick joke that causes PTSD in a lot of people. Violet Smith was the clear villain of that short story.
But did she need to be THAT much of a villain? Did she need to achieve Complete Monster status by not only traumatizing women who’ve had abortions, but also abusing her boyfriend at the time Neil Hahn? The poor guy had a 1-4 MMA record and thought he could jump start his career by hanging out with a woman who was 12-3, a former Women’s Featherweight Champion, and a multiple time post-fight bonus money winner. Neil shed the blood, sweat, and tears it took to be an MMA elite, but only because he was being slapped in the face and screamed at by Violet, criminal that she was.
As a writer, it’s my job to invoke emotions within my readers. Extreme anger may not be the best choice, which is why Violet Smith is currently in my unemployed pile. I actually had an idea of what I could do with her. I could Clockwork Orange her ass! Yeah! If she wants to go around beating up helpless women and downtrodden men, let her pay the same price as Alex De Large.
She could be shown films of anti-abortion and other Christian crusaders committing violence while a Demon Hunter, Skillet, or We As Human song is playing in the background. And then afterwards she can confront the ghosts of those she hurt in a sensory deprivation chamber, but that’s not Clockwork Orange, that’s Tales From the Hood’s fourth story Hardcore Convert.
But if I put Violet Smith through a Clockwork Orange storyline, will she be as defiant as she was when she was free or will she break down and have a moment of clarity? Can she really look a hallucination of Rachel Gustafson in the eyes and ask for forgiveness? Can she do the same thing to real life female MMA fighters like Liz Carmouche and Raquel Pennington, who are both openly lesbian and probably offended by Violet’s zeal?
But since this is an MMA fighter we’re talking about, maybe instead of confronting the hallucinations and giving them a bunch of false answers, we could have an actual match. Yeah! If Violet is really as remorseless as she says she is, let’s see if she can put Jessica Andrade in a rear-naked choke or TKO Fallon Fox into oblivion. If that’s the case, she won’t be winning any major championships. She’ll be showing the prison guards that she’s far from ready for normal society.
The Clockwork Orange angle is just one possibility that I’ve thought about. There are so many other things she can do. She can be a Dungeons & Dragons cleric for all I care. And since she’s good at unarmed combat, she can probably be a cleric and monk homebrew class. She can tell people to “Choose life!” while throwing a flying bullet kick a la Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat. But no matter what role she took, she will always be a villain due to her obnoxious Complete Monster mentality. In the case of D&D, she would be a level five lawful evil cleric/monk. Violet, have you met my good friends Deus Shadowheart and Brutus Warcry? They’re dying to get to know you! Hehe!
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I apologize, you son of a bitch!”
-Vince McMahon to CM Punk-
May 29, 2015
Danger Mouse
TV SHOW TITLE: Danger Mouse
CREATORS: Brian Cosgrove and Mark Hall
YEARS ACTIVE: 1981-1992
GENRE: Children’s Spy Comedy
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass
In merry old London, England, the world’s greatest secret agent Danger Mouse and his trusty, yet clumsy hamster sidekick Penfold constantly save humanity from the hostile takeovers of the evil toad Baron Greenback and his sinister crow henchman Stiletto. Mr. Greenback has tried everything from weaponizing laundry machines to stealing the world’s landmarks in an attempt to drop them all on the unsuspecting heroes. With impeccable martial arts skills, a crafty personality, and the occasional help of his dimwitted hamster friend, Danger Mouse can overcome any obstacle Greenback throws his way.
Watching this TV show as a kid and again as a freshman college student was an entertaining experience that made me feel giddy and warm inside. Part of the reason is because of the show’s sarcastic tongue-in-cheek dialogue, which is appealing to both children and adults. One example is when Danger Mouse and Penfold are riding around in the former’s flying car and DM says, “The engine’s knocking!” Penfold, being the lovable moron that he is says, “Does it want to come in?”, to which DM politely says, “Shush!” Even little catchphrases like Danger Mouse’s “Shush!” and Penfold’s “Crumbs!” and “Oh, heck!” can make the viewers feel like playtime will never end. Then again, with Penfold being as cute and cuddly as he is with his mole-like features, tiny blue suit, and thick-rimmed glasses, childhood innocence is beginning all over again! Aww!
If you still need a reason to be excited about an episode of Danger Mouse, look no further than the open and closing theme music. With fast-paced and dramatic music accompanying the lyrics, the wife of David Jason (the voice of Danger Mouse) proudly sings, “He’s the greatest! He’s fantastic! Wherever there is danger, he’ll be there! Danger Mouse! Powerhouse! He’s the strongest, he’s the quickest, he’s the best!” David Jason’s wife (whose Gaelic name I can’t spell or pronounce to save my life) no doubt has a lovely voice that’s full of emotion, which is what contributes to the drama of the theme music. As a kid, the music did startle me a little bit, especially during the end credits when a round bomb was being exploded. As an adult, I embrace every note and lyric.
While it is true that the original version of Danger Mouse was ended in 1992 (when I was only seven years old), the legacy it left behind is alive and well. There are full episodes of Danger Mouse on You Tube as well as Hulu or any other digital channel you might have on your TV or computer. If you’ve seen all of the old episodes and want something new, know that sometime in 2015, the show will be revived under a new format and Stephen Fry will be one of the voice actors. Stephen Fry, man! Stephen Fry! If you’re worried about the revived version being able to live up to the potential that the old version had, don’t sweat it. It will still have the same British gentlemanly spirit, the giggly dialogue, and the mass age appeal. Or to put it in a way that makes use of my rhyming skills, Generation Z is the place to be! You’re darn right this is getting a passing grade!
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DANGER MOUSE: Come, Penfold! Help me find the manual so that I can stop this train!
PENFOLD: But I don’t speak Spanish!
DANGER MOUSE: Not Manuel, Penfold…ugh, never mind!
-Danger Mouse’s Orient Express Episode-
CREATORS: Brian Cosgrove and Mark Hall
YEARS ACTIVE: 1981-1992
GENRE: Children’s Spy Comedy
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass
In merry old London, England, the world’s greatest secret agent Danger Mouse and his trusty, yet clumsy hamster sidekick Penfold constantly save humanity from the hostile takeovers of the evil toad Baron Greenback and his sinister crow henchman Stiletto. Mr. Greenback has tried everything from weaponizing laundry machines to stealing the world’s landmarks in an attempt to drop them all on the unsuspecting heroes. With impeccable martial arts skills, a crafty personality, and the occasional help of his dimwitted hamster friend, Danger Mouse can overcome any obstacle Greenback throws his way.
Watching this TV show as a kid and again as a freshman college student was an entertaining experience that made me feel giddy and warm inside. Part of the reason is because of the show’s sarcastic tongue-in-cheek dialogue, which is appealing to both children and adults. One example is when Danger Mouse and Penfold are riding around in the former’s flying car and DM says, “The engine’s knocking!” Penfold, being the lovable moron that he is says, “Does it want to come in?”, to which DM politely says, “Shush!” Even little catchphrases like Danger Mouse’s “Shush!” and Penfold’s “Crumbs!” and “Oh, heck!” can make the viewers feel like playtime will never end. Then again, with Penfold being as cute and cuddly as he is with his mole-like features, tiny blue suit, and thick-rimmed glasses, childhood innocence is beginning all over again! Aww!
If you still need a reason to be excited about an episode of Danger Mouse, look no further than the open and closing theme music. With fast-paced and dramatic music accompanying the lyrics, the wife of David Jason (the voice of Danger Mouse) proudly sings, “He’s the greatest! He’s fantastic! Wherever there is danger, he’ll be there! Danger Mouse! Powerhouse! He’s the strongest, he’s the quickest, he’s the best!” David Jason’s wife (whose Gaelic name I can’t spell or pronounce to save my life) no doubt has a lovely voice that’s full of emotion, which is what contributes to the drama of the theme music. As a kid, the music did startle me a little bit, especially during the end credits when a round bomb was being exploded. As an adult, I embrace every note and lyric.
While it is true that the original version of Danger Mouse was ended in 1992 (when I was only seven years old), the legacy it left behind is alive and well. There are full episodes of Danger Mouse on You Tube as well as Hulu or any other digital channel you might have on your TV or computer. If you’ve seen all of the old episodes and want something new, know that sometime in 2015, the show will be revived under a new format and Stephen Fry will be one of the voice actors. Stephen Fry, man! Stephen Fry! If you’re worried about the revived version being able to live up to the potential that the old version had, don’t sweat it. It will still have the same British gentlemanly spirit, the giggly dialogue, and the mass age appeal. Or to put it in a way that makes use of my rhyming skills, Generation Z is the place to be! You’re darn right this is getting a passing grade!
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
DANGER MOUSE: Come, Penfold! Help me find the manual so that I can stop this train!
PENFOLD: But I don’t speak Spanish!
DANGER MOUSE: Not Manuel, Penfold…ugh, never mind!
-Danger Mouse’s Orient Express Episode-
May 25, 2015
Clerks II
MOVIE TITLE: Clerks II
DIRECTOR: Kevin Smith
YEAR: 2006
GENRE: Comedy
RATING: R for vulgar language and bestiality
GRADE: Pass
Dante Hicks shows up for work at the Quick Stop Convenience Store only to find out it burned to the ground after a coffee pot was negligently left on overnight. Fast forward to the present where he and his best friend Randal Graves now have jobs at a fast food restaurant. Randal still takes pleasure in screwing with the customers while Dante does what he did in the first movie and “over-compensates for having what’s basically a monkey’s job”. That, and Dante has another love triangle to take care of now that Caitlin and Veronica are gone from his life.
A comedy can only be a comedy if it’s funny. When I first saw this movie with my dad when it came out in theaters, I was laughing my ass off throughout the entire thing. It’s been twelve years since the first Clerks movie and Randal Graves still has his silver tongue. He even has an alternative ending to the Lord of the Rings movies since they’re not entertaining enough due to the constant walking scenes. He also has an interesting take on how “porch monkey” shouldn’t be a racial slur, but a normal insult.
And to top the whole thing off, for a going away party for Dante, he buys him a donkey show. If you don’t know what a donkey show is, don’t ask me, because I actually want to maintain my appetite. If it seems like I’m telling instead of showing, it’s because I want you to see these crass, but funny jokes for yourself and find your own laughter. When I was a kid, my dad used to spoil jokes for me by saying what they were before they happened on TV (because I would laugh twice that way). That drove me nuts.
In addition to being a hyena laugh comedy, Clerks II also has some serious philosophical messages that should be noted. Just like in the first movie with Caitlin and Veronica, Dante finds himself in a love triangle, but with two different women. He’s scheduled to marry a woman named Emma and go to Florida with her to get his life on the right track and start a car wash business.
Meanwhile, Dante is actually in love with his boss at the fast food joint Becky, who midway through the movie tells him that she’s pregnant. Right here it seems appropriate to quote a famous Glenn Frey song: “Are you going to stay with the one who loves you or are you going back to the one you love. Someone’s going to cry when they know they’ve lost you and someone’s going to thank their stars above.”
Which brings me to the main philosophical point the movie makes: live your life the way it makes sense to you and don’t let society’s standards dictate who you should be. Randal already knows what he wants from life: to eat free food, watch movies, insult customers, and hang out with Dante all day long, just like he did when he worked at RST Video. It’s not the most glamorous way to make a living, but it’s what Randal loves and nobody’s going to tell him he’s wrong.
Dante on the other hand is so much of a conformist that he’d rather go to Florida with Emma (who he could care less about) so that he can start a new life and be a “winner” in the eyes of the public. He doesn’t realize until the end of the movie that in making this bold move, he’s abandoning his best friend of many decades Randal and tearing him apart in the process. Dante is basically trading his individuality for a piece of the pie and part of his individuality is his longtime friendship with Randal.
A lot of Kevin Smith fans, my dad included, are firm believers that the first Clerks movie can never be topped. I respectfully disagree. When I saw this movie in 2006, I needed a good laugh due to my mental illness getting the best of me. Clerks II provided constant laughs throughout the entire movie and made me believe in life again. In fact, my horse laugh made everyone else in the movie theater laugh twice. They’d laugh once at the jokes in the movie and laugh again when they heard my own laugh. If you though that was something, wait until Clerks III comes out!
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I really wish you would have told me this when I first met you, that one day you were going to bail on our friendship. If I would have known you were going to flake on me a couple decades later, I wouldn’t have even bothered with your ass in the first place.”
-Randal to Dante-
DIRECTOR: Kevin Smith
YEAR: 2006
GENRE: Comedy
RATING: R for vulgar language and bestiality
GRADE: Pass
Dante Hicks shows up for work at the Quick Stop Convenience Store only to find out it burned to the ground after a coffee pot was negligently left on overnight. Fast forward to the present where he and his best friend Randal Graves now have jobs at a fast food restaurant. Randal still takes pleasure in screwing with the customers while Dante does what he did in the first movie and “over-compensates for having what’s basically a monkey’s job”. That, and Dante has another love triangle to take care of now that Caitlin and Veronica are gone from his life.
A comedy can only be a comedy if it’s funny. When I first saw this movie with my dad when it came out in theaters, I was laughing my ass off throughout the entire thing. It’s been twelve years since the first Clerks movie and Randal Graves still has his silver tongue. He even has an alternative ending to the Lord of the Rings movies since they’re not entertaining enough due to the constant walking scenes. He also has an interesting take on how “porch monkey” shouldn’t be a racial slur, but a normal insult.
And to top the whole thing off, for a going away party for Dante, he buys him a donkey show. If you don’t know what a donkey show is, don’t ask me, because I actually want to maintain my appetite. If it seems like I’m telling instead of showing, it’s because I want you to see these crass, but funny jokes for yourself and find your own laughter. When I was a kid, my dad used to spoil jokes for me by saying what they were before they happened on TV (because I would laugh twice that way). That drove me nuts.
In addition to being a hyena laugh comedy, Clerks II also has some serious philosophical messages that should be noted. Just like in the first movie with Caitlin and Veronica, Dante finds himself in a love triangle, but with two different women. He’s scheduled to marry a woman named Emma and go to Florida with her to get his life on the right track and start a car wash business.
Meanwhile, Dante is actually in love with his boss at the fast food joint Becky, who midway through the movie tells him that she’s pregnant. Right here it seems appropriate to quote a famous Glenn Frey song: “Are you going to stay with the one who loves you or are you going back to the one you love. Someone’s going to cry when they know they’ve lost you and someone’s going to thank their stars above.”
Which brings me to the main philosophical point the movie makes: live your life the way it makes sense to you and don’t let society’s standards dictate who you should be. Randal already knows what he wants from life: to eat free food, watch movies, insult customers, and hang out with Dante all day long, just like he did when he worked at RST Video. It’s not the most glamorous way to make a living, but it’s what Randal loves and nobody’s going to tell him he’s wrong.
Dante on the other hand is so much of a conformist that he’d rather go to Florida with Emma (who he could care less about) so that he can start a new life and be a “winner” in the eyes of the public. He doesn’t realize until the end of the movie that in making this bold move, he’s abandoning his best friend of many decades Randal and tearing him apart in the process. Dante is basically trading his individuality for a piece of the pie and part of his individuality is his longtime friendship with Randal.
A lot of Kevin Smith fans, my dad included, are firm believers that the first Clerks movie can never be topped. I respectfully disagree. When I saw this movie in 2006, I needed a good laugh due to my mental illness getting the best of me. Clerks II provided constant laughs throughout the entire movie and made me believe in life again. In fact, my horse laugh made everyone else in the movie theater laugh twice. They’d laugh once at the jokes in the movie and laugh again when they heard my own laugh. If you though that was something, wait until Clerks III comes out!
***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“I really wish you would have told me this when I first met you, that one day you were going to bail on our friendship. If I would have known you were going to flake on me a couple decades later, I wouldn’t have even bothered with your ass in the first place.”
-Randal to Dante-
May 22, 2015
Lawrence Moody
NAME: Lawrence Moody
AGE: 43
OCCUPATION: Romance Author
CANON: It’s Just a Story
Whenever a celebrity is accused of bigotry, it can be a traumatizing experience for that person, especially if he or she is innocent of those charges. Does anybody remember a former UFC bantamweight fighter named Miguel Torres? He was once fired from the company for tweeting a rape joke.
The backlash against him was brutal and maybe he deserved some of that. But in order to ease himself of the trauma, he donated his time and money to rape shelters in Chicago and took sensitivity classes. He was subsequently rehired by the UFC. Dana White could be quoted as saying, “Everybody fucks up. It’s what you do afterwards that makes you who you are.”
And thus we have a segue into Lawrence Moody, a romance author who gears his books toward piggish male fantasies and responds to his critics not by apologizing or taking sensitivity classes, but by physically assaulting them or arranging to have them beaten by police or security detail. The most disgusting part about this? Most of his critics are women and Lawrence is much bigger than all of them.
It didn’t help matters that Lawrence was dating a Filipino model named Venice Reyes and used her sexy photographs as part of the covers to his novels. If anybody needed to be convinced of Lawrence’s “innocence”, it was Venice. The couple got into many arguments over the subject of sexism, mostly while trying to get away from angry female protesters who threw eggs with stinging impact.
Lawrence could do his damnedest to try and convince Venice that he was just a normal guy and not a bigot, but when she actually read his recent novel, she found out what exactly it was he was promoting: wife swapping. Their final argument ended when Lawrence accidentally shoved Venice down the stairs of their home and crushed her skull. The story concluded with Mr. Moody turning himself in to the police.
The fact that I didn’t get any backlash from writing this 12-page story was a stroke of luck. After all, Lawrence was portrayed as the hero and the feminist protesters and critics were the evil antagonists. Originally, I wrote this story to prove the point that zeal, no matter what form it comes in, is no good for anybody. But instead it read like a chauvinist manifesto that I’m now ashamed of.
While it didn’t happen for this story, I have been accused of bigotry before whether it was against women, children, or just plain guys from the deep south. Suffering that wave of verbal assaults was traumatizing for me. Sometimes I would respond by screaming in my critics’ faces and it would bring about even more backlash than before. When I actually apologized for my actions and told the truth of not being bigoted, things calmed down and were much happier for me.
Over the years, I’ve learned being diplomatic is better than being violent. Hatred breeds more hatred while love breeds more love. During the times I was accused of bigotry, I wasn’t aware that I was being prejudiced in the first place. I actually thought those things were normal. Thanks to a broader worldview and a lot of experience, I know how to cool down the fires I start, intentional or not.
If I ever do use Lawrence Moody again, it won’t be in a heroic fashion. He will be portrayed as an example of what NOT to do if you’re an artist of any kind. He will be aggressive. He will be unsympathetic. He will be everything my audience hates in a villain. When he is conquered by his own boiling cauldron of hot rage, he will deserve every minute of his suffering.
He may take the form of a sexist romance author. He may be a politician. He may even be part of the top one-percent of the top one-percent, in which case, he better be ready for Mr. Robot to serve his ass on a platter. No matter what role he takes, Lawrence Moody will never speak for my misguided past ever again.
***CELEBRITY QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If a man wants you for your breasts, thighs, and legs, send him to KFC. You’re a lady, not a cheap value meal.”
-Nicholas Cage-
AGE: 43
OCCUPATION: Romance Author
CANON: It’s Just a Story
Whenever a celebrity is accused of bigotry, it can be a traumatizing experience for that person, especially if he or she is innocent of those charges. Does anybody remember a former UFC bantamweight fighter named Miguel Torres? He was once fired from the company for tweeting a rape joke.
The backlash against him was brutal and maybe he deserved some of that. But in order to ease himself of the trauma, he donated his time and money to rape shelters in Chicago and took sensitivity classes. He was subsequently rehired by the UFC. Dana White could be quoted as saying, “Everybody fucks up. It’s what you do afterwards that makes you who you are.”
And thus we have a segue into Lawrence Moody, a romance author who gears his books toward piggish male fantasies and responds to his critics not by apologizing or taking sensitivity classes, but by physically assaulting them or arranging to have them beaten by police or security detail. The most disgusting part about this? Most of his critics are women and Lawrence is much bigger than all of them.
It didn’t help matters that Lawrence was dating a Filipino model named Venice Reyes and used her sexy photographs as part of the covers to his novels. If anybody needed to be convinced of Lawrence’s “innocence”, it was Venice. The couple got into many arguments over the subject of sexism, mostly while trying to get away from angry female protesters who threw eggs with stinging impact.
Lawrence could do his damnedest to try and convince Venice that he was just a normal guy and not a bigot, but when she actually read his recent novel, she found out what exactly it was he was promoting: wife swapping. Their final argument ended when Lawrence accidentally shoved Venice down the stairs of their home and crushed her skull. The story concluded with Mr. Moody turning himself in to the police.
The fact that I didn’t get any backlash from writing this 12-page story was a stroke of luck. After all, Lawrence was portrayed as the hero and the feminist protesters and critics were the evil antagonists. Originally, I wrote this story to prove the point that zeal, no matter what form it comes in, is no good for anybody. But instead it read like a chauvinist manifesto that I’m now ashamed of.
While it didn’t happen for this story, I have been accused of bigotry before whether it was against women, children, or just plain guys from the deep south. Suffering that wave of verbal assaults was traumatizing for me. Sometimes I would respond by screaming in my critics’ faces and it would bring about even more backlash than before. When I actually apologized for my actions and told the truth of not being bigoted, things calmed down and were much happier for me.
Over the years, I’ve learned being diplomatic is better than being violent. Hatred breeds more hatred while love breeds more love. During the times I was accused of bigotry, I wasn’t aware that I was being prejudiced in the first place. I actually thought those things were normal. Thanks to a broader worldview and a lot of experience, I know how to cool down the fires I start, intentional or not.
If I ever do use Lawrence Moody again, it won’t be in a heroic fashion. He will be portrayed as an example of what NOT to do if you’re an artist of any kind. He will be aggressive. He will be unsympathetic. He will be everything my audience hates in a villain. When he is conquered by his own boiling cauldron of hot rage, he will deserve every minute of his suffering.
He may take the form of a sexist romance author. He may be a politician. He may even be part of the top one-percent of the top one-percent, in which case, he better be ready for Mr. Robot to serve his ass on a platter. No matter what role he takes, Lawrence Moody will never speak for my misguided past ever again.
***CELEBRITY QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“If a man wants you for your breasts, thighs, and legs, send him to KFC. You’re a lady, not a cheap value meal.”
-Nicholas Cage-
May 15, 2015
Caribbean Cutthroats
CANON: Caribbean Cutthroat
NAME: DJ Rouge
AGE: 21
OCCUPATION: Cocaine Harvester
NAME: Riff De La Luka
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: Street Guitarist
Let me ask you all a practical question. How is it that a West African drug worker (DJ Rouge) becomes part of a team called The Caribbean Cutthroats if those two locales are separated by a big fucking body of water like the Atlantic Ocean? Maybe Mr. Rouge is a Caribbean transplant. Either that or the whole thinking behind this would-be anime series was completely misguided and uneducated.
The idea for the weekly television show Caribbean Cutthroat was conceived after listening to “Peruvian Cocaine” by Immortal Technique and misinterpreting the lyrics. Immortal Technique is an articulate speaker; how exactly does someone like me misunderstand what he’s trying to say?
Because when I first heard the song, I was 19 years old and had the maturity of someone half my age, which meant no research and an unwise worldview. For further insight as to what the hell I was thinking, here’s how the series was supposed to go before I pulled the plug after two episodes.
For the first ten episodes of the anime series, DJ Rouge and Riff De La Luka were going to venture around the Caribbean and into South America drumming up as much cocaine business as possible. This unlikely pairing of the quiet and introverted sword-slinger DJ and the loudmouthed and boisterous capoeira fighter Riff had to constantly watch each other’s backs despite DJ being highly annoyed with his partner’s loud ways. American and Columbian assassins both wanted DJ and Riff’s heads on pikes. Sometimes the two governments had to compete with each other just to see who got the kill.
But DJ and Riff weren’t killed. They were sent to a Colorado prison for all of the drug charges as well as the murders of several government agents. The next ten episodes of Caribbean Cutthroat were supposed to document their time in jail. All the sodomy, all the beatings, and all the heartache of growing old behind bars would have made for a depressing anime series. Sadness and anime weren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, but this was taking it to an entirely different level. And this was going to be for ten whole thirty-minute episodes. That’s 300 minutes of brutal prison action. All for what? A small sense of false hope?
Even though only ten episodes were ordered for Caribbean Cutthroat’s prison point, several decades went by before DJ and Riff were released into American society. They could have been deported back to their respective home countries, but that would have actually made sense and my 19-year-old self wouldn’t have wanted it that way. Instead, old man Riff De La Luka, who somehow retained his positive charm throughout his many decades in prison, found delight in being a toilet cleaner for a local school. If he ever did have pain on the inside, he was doing a damn good job of hiding it.
DJ Rouge made no attempt to hide his own pain. He was miserable upon being released. He somehow found work pumping gas despite the fact that he could never smile or put on a brave face for his customers. Naturally, he didn’t get any tips, only derision from the jerk-off customers. Even his boss thought he was too melodramatic.
All the rage and sorrow boiling inside DJ’s body would eventually explode in the final episode of Caribbean Cutthroat, where he would attempt to commit suicide and make a public example of himself in the process. He wanted his death to have a huge impact on society, but the one person who was finally able to talk him down was old man Riff De La Luka. It was Riff’s positive charm that bonded the two former drug runners together after all this time of being annoyed at each other.
Oh, and can you guess how many episodes were ordered just for this miserable display of sadness? Ten. Altogether, that’s 30 episodes building towards Riff and DJ finally becoming best of friends (Riff had no problems with their relationship, but DJ did). The first ten episodes were fun and adventurous. The next twenty episodes were about sorrow and pathos. You think any TV executive in Japan is going to take this would-be anime seriously enough to produce it? I don’t think so.
Even with all of my fantasies of publishing this anime under a new division of Gracie Films called Gracie Anime, it wasn’t going to unfold. The logo for Gracie Anime would have been a samurai shushing people with his katana instead of his finger while the words “Gracie Anime” would be superimposed on a full moon in the night sky. Good fantasy, but not good enough for reality.
DJ Rouge and Riff De La Luka need new jobs and those jobs aren’t cleaning toilets or pumping gas. They probably won’t be drug smugglers either. These two warriors are the closest things to gaijin samurais I have. Wait a minute. Gaijin samurai? Oh, that opens the door to a lot of possibilities! We already have street samurais in Shadowrun canons and hip-hop samurais in the form of Mugen and Jin from Samurai Champloo. Do you think DJ and Riff deserve a piece of the pie? I do! But sometimes it’s better for the main characters to nibble on the pie crust before eating the whole fucking thing. Wouldn’t want them to get upset tummies.
***RANT OF THE DAY***
“There’s a market for everything, man! There’s a market for pet psychologists! There’s a market for twisted shit fetish videos! For nipple rings! For River Dancing! For chocolate-covered roaches! But you can’t find one for hardcore hip-hop?!”
-Immortal Technique-
NAME: DJ Rouge
AGE: 21
OCCUPATION: Cocaine Harvester
NAME: Riff De La Luka
AGE: 25
OCCUPATION: Street Guitarist
Let me ask you all a practical question. How is it that a West African drug worker (DJ Rouge) becomes part of a team called The Caribbean Cutthroats if those two locales are separated by a big fucking body of water like the Atlantic Ocean? Maybe Mr. Rouge is a Caribbean transplant. Either that or the whole thinking behind this would-be anime series was completely misguided and uneducated.
The idea for the weekly television show Caribbean Cutthroat was conceived after listening to “Peruvian Cocaine” by Immortal Technique and misinterpreting the lyrics. Immortal Technique is an articulate speaker; how exactly does someone like me misunderstand what he’s trying to say?
Because when I first heard the song, I was 19 years old and had the maturity of someone half my age, which meant no research and an unwise worldview. For further insight as to what the hell I was thinking, here’s how the series was supposed to go before I pulled the plug after two episodes.
For the first ten episodes of the anime series, DJ Rouge and Riff De La Luka were going to venture around the Caribbean and into South America drumming up as much cocaine business as possible. This unlikely pairing of the quiet and introverted sword-slinger DJ and the loudmouthed and boisterous capoeira fighter Riff had to constantly watch each other’s backs despite DJ being highly annoyed with his partner’s loud ways. American and Columbian assassins both wanted DJ and Riff’s heads on pikes. Sometimes the two governments had to compete with each other just to see who got the kill.
But DJ and Riff weren’t killed. They were sent to a Colorado prison for all of the drug charges as well as the murders of several government agents. The next ten episodes of Caribbean Cutthroat were supposed to document their time in jail. All the sodomy, all the beatings, and all the heartache of growing old behind bars would have made for a depressing anime series. Sadness and anime weren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, but this was taking it to an entirely different level. And this was going to be for ten whole thirty-minute episodes. That’s 300 minutes of brutal prison action. All for what? A small sense of false hope?
Even though only ten episodes were ordered for Caribbean Cutthroat’s prison point, several decades went by before DJ and Riff were released into American society. They could have been deported back to their respective home countries, but that would have actually made sense and my 19-year-old self wouldn’t have wanted it that way. Instead, old man Riff De La Luka, who somehow retained his positive charm throughout his many decades in prison, found delight in being a toilet cleaner for a local school. If he ever did have pain on the inside, he was doing a damn good job of hiding it.
DJ Rouge made no attempt to hide his own pain. He was miserable upon being released. He somehow found work pumping gas despite the fact that he could never smile or put on a brave face for his customers. Naturally, he didn’t get any tips, only derision from the jerk-off customers. Even his boss thought he was too melodramatic.
All the rage and sorrow boiling inside DJ’s body would eventually explode in the final episode of Caribbean Cutthroat, where he would attempt to commit suicide and make a public example of himself in the process. He wanted his death to have a huge impact on society, but the one person who was finally able to talk him down was old man Riff De La Luka. It was Riff’s positive charm that bonded the two former drug runners together after all this time of being annoyed at each other.
Oh, and can you guess how many episodes were ordered just for this miserable display of sadness? Ten. Altogether, that’s 30 episodes building towards Riff and DJ finally becoming best of friends (Riff had no problems with their relationship, but DJ did). The first ten episodes were fun and adventurous. The next twenty episodes were about sorrow and pathos. You think any TV executive in Japan is going to take this would-be anime seriously enough to produce it? I don’t think so.
Even with all of my fantasies of publishing this anime under a new division of Gracie Films called Gracie Anime, it wasn’t going to unfold. The logo for Gracie Anime would have been a samurai shushing people with his katana instead of his finger while the words “Gracie Anime” would be superimposed on a full moon in the night sky. Good fantasy, but not good enough for reality.
DJ Rouge and Riff De La Luka need new jobs and those jobs aren’t cleaning toilets or pumping gas. They probably won’t be drug smugglers either. These two warriors are the closest things to gaijin samurais I have. Wait a minute. Gaijin samurai? Oh, that opens the door to a lot of possibilities! We already have street samurais in Shadowrun canons and hip-hop samurais in the form of Mugen and Jin from Samurai Champloo. Do you think DJ and Riff deserve a piece of the pie? I do! But sometimes it’s better for the main characters to nibble on the pie crust before eating the whole fucking thing. Wouldn’t want them to get upset tummies.
***RANT OF THE DAY***
“There’s a market for everything, man! There’s a market for pet psychologists! There’s a market for twisted shit fetish videos! For nipple rings! For River Dancing! For chocolate-covered roaches! But you can’t find one for hardcore hip-hop?!”
-Immortal Technique-
