Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 123
December 13, 2014
Loretta
NAME: Loretta
AGE: 33
OCCUPATION: Professional Wrestler
CANON: WWF Smackdown 2: Know Your Role
Technically, this seven-foot tall Amazon doesn’t belong to me. When I was a teenager living in Chehalis, Washington, my brother James, our friend Nathan, and I played a lot of videogames. WWF Smackdown 2 for the Play Station just so happened to have a create your own character mode.
And boy, did the three of us make a lot of characters. My most noteworthy character was a seven-foot version of Guile from Street Fighter II. Nathan’s character was a soldier slash hippie named Me (and yes, Nathan took full advantage of the jokes that came with that name). James had a seven-foot diva named Loretta, who happens to be the subject of this journal.
Guile can’t be an unemployed character because he’s a staple of the Street Fighter franchise and using him would result in a legal shit storm I’m not prepared for. I can’t get a hold of Nathan these days since he phased out of our lives in late 2002, so I don’t even know if I have permission to use Me in a story (save your jokes, people).
I have no qualms, however, about adding Loretta to my roster since my brother James doesn’t have aspirations of being an author nor does he take wrestling seriously anyways. If I stole Loretta out from under his nose, he’d be so oblivious to it that he wouldn’t even care if he found out. If he does care, I’m happy to give her back.
Loretta wasn’t just a big chick in a long skirt, high heels, a sports bra, and sunglasses. Being big isn’t everything. Being skillful is what matters most in professional wrestling. Loretta was part of the same videogame that had Chyna on its roster. Remember Chyna from the Attitude Era of WWE? She was fucking huge. She wrestled men and looked good doing it, which is why Chyna was the only woman to have held the WWE Intercontinental Championship. Loretta makes this woman look like El Torito in the ring. She could crush Chyna underneath her high heels and scrape her off like chewed bubblegum.
In addition to being a badass in the ring, Loretta was also slated by James and Nathan to be the storyline lover of Guile, who as I said earlier was a seven-foot version of his Street Fighter self. At first I didn’t agree with that since I had a shallow bias against overly tall women back then. But the more I think about it, the more I think Guile and Loretta should tie the knot and make seven-foot babies.
You know what’s even scarier than a seven-foot baby? A seven foot baby who was made taller and heavier by a pituitary disorder. If The Big Show and The Great Khali were a part of this videogame, they’d be insects among this world of giants. It wouldn’t be a WWE arena anymore. It’d be an ant farm. What if Daniel Bryan and Rey Mysterio were a part of this game? Guile and Loretta’s children would need a microscope just to compete against them!
Several Women’s Championship matches and beauty contests later, the videogame disc for WWF Smackdown 2 was scratched and broken from overuse. It was a fun game to play, but with a broken game disc, a sold Play Station, and a lost memory card, Loretta’s adventures in the digital world are over. Which is why I’d like to bring this giantess back to the digital world for a round of literary action.
The way I see it, Loretta’s character, should I decide to use her, can play out two ways and both of them have to do with her height advantage. Either she will be an unlikely hero who gets picked on for her size or she will be a villain who crushes villagers underneath her stilettos while breathing fire on them. Both alignments are believable for a woman like this. After all, being seven feet tall is not a guarantee for a happy or beautiful life.
Would you believe it if I told you The World’s Strongest Man and WWE legend Mark Henry was bullied as a teenager? He may have been big and strong, but he was still flawed in the eyes of everyone around him, especially those who called him names. Bottom line: if Loretta ever makes it into one of my stories, she won’t be winning a Most Overrated award from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter anytime soon.
AGE: 33
OCCUPATION: Professional Wrestler
CANON: WWF Smackdown 2: Know Your Role
Technically, this seven-foot tall Amazon doesn’t belong to me. When I was a teenager living in Chehalis, Washington, my brother James, our friend Nathan, and I played a lot of videogames. WWF Smackdown 2 for the Play Station just so happened to have a create your own character mode.
And boy, did the three of us make a lot of characters. My most noteworthy character was a seven-foot version of Guile from Street Fighter II. Nathan’s character was a soldier slash hippie named Me (and yes, Nathan took full advantage of the jokes that came with that name). James had a seven-foot diva named Loretta, who happens to be the subject of this journal.
Guile can’t be an unemployed character because he’s a staple of the Street Fighter franchise and using him would result in a legal shit storm I’m not prepared for. I can’t get a hold of Nathan these days since he phased out of our lives in late 2002, so I don’t even know if I have permission to use Me in a story (save your jokes, people).
I have no qualms, however, about adding Loretta to my roster since my brother James doesn’t have aspirations of being an author nor does he take wrestling seriously anyways. If I stole Loretta out from under his nose, he’d be so oblivious to it that he wouldn’t even care if he found out. If he does care, I’m happy to give her back.
Loretta wasn’t just a big chick in a long skirt, high heels, a sports bra, and sunglasses. Being big isn’t everything. Being skillful is what matters most in professional wrestling. Loretta was part of the same videogame that had Chyna on its roster. Remember Chyna from the Attitude Era of WWE? She was fucking huge. She wrestled men and looked good doing it, which is why Chyna was the only woman to have held the WWE Intercontinental Championship. Loretta makes this woman look like El Torito in the ring. She could crush Chyna underneath her high heels and scrape her off like chewed bubblegum.
In addition to being a badass in the ring, Loretta was also slated by James and Nathan to be the storyline lover of Guile, who as I said earlier was a seven-foot version of his Street Fighter self. At first I didn’t agree with that since I had a shallow bias against overly tall women back then. But the more I think about it, the more I think Guile and Loretta should tie the knot and make seven-foot babies.
You know what’s even scarier than a seven-foot baby? A seven foot baby who was made taller and heavier by a pituitary disorder. If The Big Show and The Great Khali were a part of this videogame, they’d be insects among this world of giants. It wouldn’t be a WWE arena anymore. It’d be an ant farm. What if Daniel Bryan and Rey Mysterio were a part of this game? Guile and Loretta’s children would need a microscope just to compete against them!
Several Women’s Championship matches and beauty contests later, the videogame disc for WWF Smackdown 2 was scratched and broken from overuse. It was a fun game to play, but with a broken game disc, a sold Play Station, and a lost memory card, Loretta’s adventures in the digital world are over. Which is why I’d like to bring this giantess back to the digital world for a round of literary action.
The way I see it, Loretta’s character, should I decide to use her, can play out two ways and both of them have to do with her height advantage. Either she will be an unlikely hero who gets picked on for her size or she will be a villain who crushes villagers underneath her stilettos while breathing fire on them. Both alignments are believable for a woman like this. After all, being seven feet tall is not a guarantee for a happy or beautiful life.
Would you believe it if I told you The World’s Strongest Man and WWE legend Mark Henry was bullied as a teenager? He may have been big and strong, but he was still flawed in the eyes of everyone around him, especially those who called him names. Bottom line: if Loretta ever makes it into one of my stories, she won’t be winning a Most Overrated award from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter anytime soon.
St. Vincent
MOVIE TITLE: St. Vincent
DIRECTOR: Theodore Melfi
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Dramatic Comedy
RATING: R for fight scenes, language, and sexual themes
GRADE: Pass
Vincent MacKenna is an angry old drunk with gambling problems, a prostitute girlfriend, and an addiction to cigarettes. And yet, he’s the only one who is available to baby-sit 12-year-old Oliver while his mother Maggie is working long hours at the hospital. Vincent seems like a highly unlikely candidate for a babysitting job. He takes Oliver to gamble at the race track, drink at the bar, and even teaches him how to fight back against Catholic school bullies. Behind all of the alcoholic rage, Vincent proves to be a worthy mentor for Oliver as the two teach each other valuable life lessons. There’s not one character in this movie who isn’t permanently changed for the better by the time the movie is over.
The first thing I’d like to touch on is the relationship between Oliver and his school bully Robert. These two get into plenty of fights during the beginning moments of the movie. But when the two of them are punished with toilet cleaning duty, they bonded over the fact that they both had scumbags for fathers. Normally when I talk about bullying in movies, I always wish a hardcore beating for the ones doing the bullying. While vengeance may seem nice during a moment of rage, diplomacy will always be a superior tactic. Violence begets more violence. Peace begets friendship. Oliver and Robert found their peace and become friends over time. This should count as a spoiler, but since it happens early enough in the movie, I don’t see how a warning is necessary.
The relationships between the characters and how they improve over time is heartwarming, but since this is a comedy, there should also be laughs to go with that warmth. The biggest source of comedy comes from Bill Murray’s performance as Vincent MacKenna. Mr. Murray portrays his character like a clumsy and foulmouthed degenerate. Whenever he’s cussing somebody out, making an off-color comment, or just being socially inept, the audience is laughing alongside him. He also employs a little bit of slapstick as well when he accidentally hits himself in the face with an ice hammer and knocks himself into unconsciousness. It’s brutal, but because Bill Murray is the one portraying it, he does a masterful job of turning brutality into giggles. Richard Roeper said Bill Murray might get an Oscar for this and I’m hard pressed to disagree with him.
The entire character roster of this film is flawed in some way. We like flawed characters, because they’re relatable and perfection is boring. If Vincent MacKenna was a heroic superman with a chiseled chin and a golden smile, this movie would be a snooze fest. If Oliver wasn’t a scrawny little dork, there’s be no reason for a bullying storyline, which is a huge part of the script. If Maggie wasn’t a struggling mother with all of these obstacles in her way, then she wouldn’t have a need to introduce Oliver to Vincent, which goes against the whole point of the story. Flaws in characters should be celebrated, because they make transformation that much more believable.
I first saw St. Vincent on my last day of a vacation to San Diego where Lego Land was the main reason for going. The reason for seeing this movie was to kill time before we had to hurry up and wait at the airport to go home. I must say that seeing this movie was the perfect way to end an already delightful vacation. I’m a sucker for a good story and St. Vincent has just that. A good movie puts me in a good mood, which is something everybody should have before they engage in stressful air travel. Because I was in a good mood, my flight back to Seattle went as smoothly as I could have asked for. Positivity attracts other positive things; never forget that proverb.
DIRECTOR: Theodore Melfi
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Dramatic Comedy
RATING: R for fight scenes, language, and sexual themes
GRADE: Pass
Vincent MacKenna is an angry old drunk with gambling problems, a prostitute girlfriend, and an addiction to cigarettes. And yet, he’s the only one who is available to baby-sit 12-year-old Oliver while his mother Maggie is working long hours at the hospital. Vincent seems like a highly unlikely candidate for a babysitting job. He takes Oliver to gamble at the race track, drink at the bar, and even teaches him how to fight back against Catholic school bullies. Behind all of the alcoholic rage, Vincent proves to be a worthy mentor for Oliver as the two teach each other valuable life lessons. There’s not one character in this movie who isn’t permanently changed for the better by the time the movie is over.
The first thing I’d like to touch on is the relationship between Oliver and his school bully Robert. These two get into plenty of fights during the beginning moments of the movie. But when the two of them are punished with toilet cleaning duty, they bonded over the fact that they both had scumbags for fathers. Normally when I talk about bullying in movies, I always wish a hardcore beating for the ones doing the bullying. While vengeance may seem nice during a moment of rage, diplomacy will always be a superior tactic. Violence begets more violence. Peace begets friendship. Oliver and Robert found their peace and become friends over time. This should count as a spoiler, but since it happens early enough in the movie, I don’t see how a warning is necessary.
The relationships between the characters and how they improve over time is heartwarming, but since this is a comedy, there should also be laughs to go with that warmth. The biggest source of comedy comes from Bill Murray’s performance as Vincent MacKenna. Mr. Murray portrays his character like a clumsy and foulmouthed degenerate. Whenever he’s cussing somebody out, making an off-color comment, or just being socially inept, the audience is laughing alongside him. He also employs a little bit of slapstick as well when he accidentally hits himself in the face with an ice hammer and knocks himself into unconsciousness. It’s brutal, but because Bill Murray is the one portraying it, he does a masterful job of turning brutality into giggles. Richard Roeper said Bill Murray might get an Oscar for this and I’m hard pressed to disagree with him.
The entire character roster of this film is flawed in some way. We like flawed characters, because they’re relatable and perfection is boring. If Vincent MacKenna was a heroic superman with a chiseled chin and a golden smile, this movie would be a snooze fest. If Oliver wasn’t a scrawny little dork, there’s be no reason for a bullying storyline, which is a huge part of the script. If Maggie wasn’t a struggling mother with all of these obstacles in her way, then she wouldn’t have a need to introduce Oliver to Vincent, which goes against the whole point of the story. Flaws in characters should be celebrated, because they make transformation that much more believable.
I first saw St. Vincent on my last day of a vacation to San Diego where Lego Land was the main reason for going. The reason for seeing this movie was to kill time before we had to hurry up and wait at the airport to go home. I must say that seeing this movie was the perfect way to end an already delightful vacation. I’m a sucker for a good story and St. Vincent has just that. A good movie puts me in a good mood, which is something everybody should have before they engage in stressful air travel. Because I was in a good mood, my flight back to Seattle went as smoothly as I could have asked for. Positivity attracts other positive things; never forget that proverb.
December 5, 2014
The Nightwolf Twins (Electra and Sandra)
What do you get when you combine the hotness of the Bella Twins and the aggressive and barbaric fighting style of the Uso Twins? You get Electra and Sandra, the Nightwolf Twins. In case that reference flew right over your heads like a Frisbee, Electra and Sandra, can kick the shit out of anybody they want and look like a million gold pieces doing it. Wait a second, did I say gold pieces? What kind of fantasy world uses that currency? I pretty much answered my own question there: a fantasy world, particularly of the Dungeons & Dragons variety.
The twins got their start in the Middlesex Campaign I did with my online friends Heather and TJ, the same one that included the human barbarian Brutus Warcry, the half-orc barbarian Agrusk Xis, and the elf wizard Darthania Gaveston. As a reward for protecting the mayor of Middlesex, Brutus and Darthania were given the services of government sanctioned bodyguards to make sure they didn’t have to live in fear of criminal gangs anymore. When one of them was murdered by an MMA fighter (outside the cage), the Nightwolf Twins were his replacement. I’d say they were a huge upgrade, but that would be disrespectful to the memory of Chris Bryan, the one who was killed.
The twins proved to be more than useful and have earned their money in spades. They beat the asses of any gangster who had a price on Brutus and Darthania’s heads and they…well…here’s where their services get a little X-rated and off the clock (I said clock, you perverts). While the two of them were in a bigamous relationship with another government paid bodyguard (an elf paladin named Windham Farrell), the X-rated action wasn’t limited to those three. It got pretty interesting in the Gaveston-Warcry household. They spent more money on cleaning supplies than a subway janitor. I’ll let you all figure out what that means.
Now that you know the shallow meaning of the Nightwolf Twins (fighting and fucking), it’s time to dig a little deeper into their souls. You see, the Nightwolves and the Warcries (two barbaric tribes) didn’t always get along. In fact, they would go to war with each other and murder several warriors. Brutus’ girlfriend at the time, Kai Nightwolf, had her head cut off by two of his fellow tribesmen, Titus and Cabal Warcry. Brutus has since moved off of the Warcry Reservation and into Middlesex out of spite for his fellow tribesmen. Although the Warcries and the Nightwolves eventually made peace with each other, Brutus can’t get Kai out of his mind. Therefore, when Brutus is doing…things to Electra and Sandra, he sees Kai in both of them. It’s kind of a sick consolation, which means Brutus still has issues to work out.
Electra and Sandra had the same issues with their own tribe that Brutus had with the Warcries. The twin sisters didn’t know who to trust at that time, so they moved to Middlesex and got jobs as government protectors. Normally, there would be all of this rhetoric about not being able to trust “big government”. The mayor of Middlesex, Shawn Simms, disproved those insecurities by being the one responsible for bringing peace between the Nightwolves and the Warcries. If Electra and Sandra couldn’t trust their own people, they could find solace within the payroll of Shawn Simms. And the rest, they say, is history.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“We have a food fight every Thanksgiving…with canned goods!”
-Jerry Lawler-
The twins got their start in the Middlesex Campaign I did with my online friends Heather and TJ, the same one that included the human barbarian Brutus Warcry, the half-orc barbarian Agrusk Xis, and the elf wizard Darthania Gaveston. As a reward for protecting the mayor of Middlesex, Brutus and Darthania were given the services of government sanctioned bodyguards to make sure they didn’t have to live in fear of criminal gangs anymore. When one of them was murdered by an MMA fighter (outside the cage), the Nightwolf Twins were his replacement. I’d say they were a huge upgrade, but that would be disrespectful to the memory of Chris Bryan, the one who was killed.
The twins proved to be more than useful and have earned their money in spades. They beat the asses of any gangster who had a price on Brutus and Darthania’s heads and they…well…here’s where their services get a little X-rated and off the clock (I said clock, you perverts). While the two of them were in a bigamous relationship with another government paid bodyguard (an elf paladin named Windham Farrell), the X-rated action wasn’t limited to those three. It got pretty interesting in the Gaveston-Warcry household. They spent more money on cleaning supplies than a subway janitor. I’ll let you all figure out what that means.
Now that you know the shallow meaning of the Nightwolf Twins (fighting and fucking), it’s time to dig a little deeper into their souls. You see, the Nightwolves and the Warcries (two barbaric tribes) didn’t always get along. In fact, they would go to war with each other and murder several warriors. Brutus’ girlfriend at the time, Kai Nightwolf, had her head cut off by two of his fellow tribesmen, Titus and Cabal Warcry. Brutus has since moved off of the Warcry Reservation and into Middlesex out of spite for his fellow tribesmen. Although the Warcries and the Nightwolves eventually made peace with each other, Brutus can’t get Kai out of his mind. Therefore, when Brutus is doing…things to Electra and Sandra, he sees Kai in both of them. It’s kind of a sick consolation, which means Brutus still has issues to work out.
Electra and Sandra had the same issues with their own tribe that Brutus had with the Warcries. The twin sisters didn’t know who to trust at that time, so they moved to Middlesex and got jobs as government protectors. Normally, there would be all of this rhetoric about not being able to trust “big government”. The mayor of Middlesex, Shawn Simms, disproved those insecurities by being the one responsible for bringing peace between the Nightwolves and the Warcries. If Electra and Sandra couldn’t trust their own people, they could find solace within the payroll of Shawn Simms. And the rest, they say, is history.
***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“We have a food fight every Thanksgiving…with canned goods!”
-Jerry Lawler-
December 2, 2014
Christina McLeod
The more I think about it, the more I believe there’s a reason Christina McLeod is currently an unemployed character. As you can guess from the last name, she’s related to Mitch McLeod from Brawl Mart (soon to be separated into Occupy Wrestling). What you don’t know is that she’s his older sister. This isn’t exactly a good reason to remain unemployed (unless you ask Keegan Day about it). Christina’s Mary-Sue-like perfection on the other hand is.
When I first came up with Christina McLeod, it was during my teenaged years and a time in the WWE when sexualizing women was the norm. Teenaged boys plus sexy women equals 30 minutes of masturbation. It’s not the new math, it’s the old science. So I kept asking myself how I could make Christina McLeod as sexy as possible. Bisexuality with a preference for women always works. Long black hair? Check. Snow white skin? Got it. Skimpy wrestling clothes that look more like beachwear than sports gear? Hell yes.
And last but not least, an infamous incident in the fantasy world where she competed in a bikini contest with other WWE divas and instead came out wearing nothing but a diaper. No shirt, no bra, not even pasties, just a diaper. You think she won that contest? By a landslide, and I’m not talking about the one going on in her male fans’ pants.
But of course, sexualizing women doesn’t work in today’s wrestling world, or even in a normal society for that matter. WWE programming is rated TV-PG and TNA programming is too sucky to get the girls any real attention. On top of all that (that’s not a sexual innuendo, I swear), I’m also mature and liberal enough to recognize that women don’t owe men anything when it comes to their bodies. If women want to show them off, that’s fine. If they’d rather be remembered for something else, even more power to them. I could take the easy road and say Christina made the choice to show off her body, but coming from a male writer who invented a fictional character, that’s not going to fly, so I just let it go.
And as it turned out, if Christina McLeod would have been published, she might have been remembered for something else as well: being so good at fighting and wrestling that she could not only defeat male opponents, she could do so convincingly. According to her back story, Christina had a stint in the marines and learned martial arts and mental toughness from that institution. The only reason why she’s no longer a marine is because she beat up multiple male soldiers who tried to rape her. That’s okay, because she didn’t want to die for a country that normalized rape anyways. Suck it, Paul Ryan and Todd Aiken.
Okay, so we’ve got this super hot chick who not only looks good naked, but also could kick anybody’s ass on any given Sunday. Hell, she could win the KDW World Title tomorrow if she wanted to. But there’s a problem with these credentials. In all this time I’ve been flapping my gums, I never once gave Christina one character flaw of any kind. That’s not good. Not good at all. Flawed characters are easy to relate to. Connecting with the audience in some way is important for any character. If you’re a villain, you want to be cruel and unusual. If you’re a hero, you want to be an overachieving underdog. What do you do if you’re Christina McLeod? Pardon me, but I haven’t figured that out just yet.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
KRAMER: Things are going pretty well for me here in Hollywood. I met a girl.
JERRY: Kramer, she was murdered.
KRAMER: Yeah well, I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship.
-Seinfeld-
When I first came up with Christina McLeod, it was during my teenaged years and a time in the WWE when sexualizing women was the norm. Teenaged boys plus sexy women equals 30 minutes of masturbation. It’s not the new math, it’s the old science. So I kept asking myself how I could make Christina McLeod as sexy as possible. Bisexuality with a preference for women always works. Long black hair? Check. Snow white skin? Got it. Skimpy wrestling clothes that look more like beachwear than sports gear? Hell yes.
And last but not least, an infamous incident in the fantasy world where she competed in a bikini contest with other WWE divas and instead came out wearing nothing but a diaper. No shirt, no bra, not even pasties, just a diaper. You think she won that contest? By a landslide, and I’m not talking about the one going on in her male fans’ pants.
But of course, sexualizing women doesn’t work in today’s wrestling world, or even in a normal society for that matter. WWE programming is rated TV-PG and TNA programming is too sucky to get the girls any real attention. On top of all that (that’s not a sexual innuendo, I swear), I’m also mature and liberal enough to recognize that women don’t owe men anything when it comes to their bodies. If women want to show them off, that’s fine. If they’d rather be remembered for something else, even more power to them. I could take the easy road and say Christina made the choice to show off her body, but coming from a male writer who invented a fictional character, that’s not going to fly, so I just let it go.
And as it turned out, if Christina McLeod would have been published, she might have been remembered for something else as well: being so good at fighting and wrestling that she could not only defeat male opponents, she could do so convincingly. According to her back story, Christina had a stint in the marines and learned martial arts and mental toughness from that institution. The only reason why she’s no longer a marine is because she beat up multiple male soldiers who tried to rape her. That’s okay, because she didn’t want to die for a country that normalized rape anyways. Suck it, Paul Ryan and Todd Aiken.
Okay, so we’ve got this super hot chick who not only looks good naked, but also could kick anybody’s ass on any given Sunday. Hell, she could win the KDW World Title tomorrow if she wanted to. But there’s a problem with these credentials. In all this time I’ve been flapping my gums, I never once gave Christina one character flaw of any kind. That’s not good. Not good at all. Flawed characters are easy to relate to. Connecting with the audience in some way is important for any character. If you’re a villain, you want to be cruel and unusual. If you’re a hero, you want to be an overachieving underdog. What do you do if you’re Christina McLeod? Pardon me, but I haven’t figured that out just yet.
***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
KRAMER: Things are going pretty well for me here in Hollywood. I met a girl.
JERRY: Kramer, she was murdered.
KRAMER: Yeah well, I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship.
-Seinfeld-
November 26, 2014
WWE Summer Slam: John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar
TITLE: WWE Summer Slam: John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and language
GRADE: Pass
In order to appreciate the sheer brutality of this main event match for John Cena’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship, it’s important to understand the back story of both competitors, the champion John Cena and the challenger Brock Lesnar.
John Cena started his career in the WWE in 2002, won his first world championship in 2005, and ever since then has become the cornerstone of WWE as well as a 15-time world champion. In other words, he’s not just some schmuck from the gym. Even the heel announcers are calling John Cena a future Hall of Famer. He gave 12 years of his life to the wrestling business and has made epic memories throughout his entire career.
Brock Lesnar is an entirely different animal. He hates the wrestling business and hates people even more. He’s a mercenary with a lust for money and inflicting pain on others. He too started in the WWE in 2002, but after winning multiple world titles left in 2004 to pursue other athletic careers. His most noteworthy achievement outside of WWE is being a former UFC Heavyweight Champion with victories over Shane Carwin, Randy Couture, and Frank Mir. He returned to WWE in 2012 on a part-time basis and did the impossible: he defeated The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 30 and handed him his first defeat at that pay-per-view.
The hype surrounding this upcoming Summer Slam main event was epic. It was a battle everybody wanted to see. And when it was all said and done, Brock Lesnar shocked the world yet again. This wasn’t just a professional wrestling match. This was something John Cena would later call a “100% ass-kicking” at the hands of Brock Lesnar. The match was only 30 seconds old and already Lesnar hit Cena with his finishing move: a fireman’s carry face buster called the F5. But Lesnar was far from finished.
Using his MMA background, he delivered hard knees, wrecking ball fists, and battleaxe elbows to John Cena, rendering him so helpless that the offence he could muster was extremely minimal. On top of those hard strikes, Brock Lesnar delivered 16 German suplexes to his opponent and left him gasping for air and struggling for clear vision.
Did I mention already that John Cena is a 15-time world champion and a future Hall of Famer? Okay, I was just making sure. It would seem unrealistic that a man with John Cena’s illustrious credentials would suffer a beating as torturous as that and not have anything left to give of his own. But that’s the way it happened and Brock Lesnar won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in convincing fashion, as Michael Cole put it.
The hype leading up to this match along with the sheer brutality of Lesnar’s offence was enough to convince Dave Meltzer, a well-respected wrestling historian, to give the performance 4.25 stars out of 5. I’m not speaking for Mr. Meltzer, but I’m guessing the reason it didn’t get the full five was because John Cena took a long time to recover from each suplex and strike and it slowed the match down considerably.
I’m normally all about fast-paced matches, but in the case of Lesnar vs. Cena, I can make an exception. This match was maximum brutality and resulted in a huge push for Brock Lesnar. If somebody were to defeat him for the WWE World Title, it would be an admirable and heroic feat. You might have to search far and wide for a wrestler who’s willing to do that, but he’s there, trust me.
As for John Cena, his future was being questioned after taking such a devastating beating. Triple H, the man in charge at the time, considered not giving him his obligatory rematch. A panel of Hall of Famers, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and Hulk Hogan, actually got together to debate whether John Cena would be ready for another rematch or if he should just retire since Lesnar’s unstoppable.
If John Cena ever did get another chance at the title, he would have a huge mountain to climb. If he climbed that mountain, it would give him the biggest boost in his career and would pretty much seal the deal for a Hall of Fame induction.
To prove he was ready, Cena did the exact same thing to Bray Wyatt during an episode of Raw that Brock Lesnar did to Cena at Summer Slam: delivered a 100% ass-kicking. Bray Wyatt’s a 300-lb wrecking ball, not some loser off the streets, so giving him a 100% beating is a heroic feat in and of itself.
Everything about this Summer Slam match from the in-ring action to the hype to the aftermath was well-executed on the part of WWE. Some would question their decision to make Brock Lesnar the champion since he’s on a part-time schedule and won’t defend it that often. I don’t question it, because main event pay-per-view matches in the WWE are still top quality without Lesnar’s presence. Isn’t that right, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins?
YEAR: 2014
GENRE: Professional Wrestling Match
RATING: TV-PG for moderate violence and language
GRADE: Pass
In order to appreciate the sheer brutality of this main event match for John Cena’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship, it’s important to understand the back story of both competitors, the champion John Cena and the challenger Brock Lesnar.
John Cena started his career in the WWE in 2002, won his first world championship in 2005, and ever since then has become the cornerstone of WWE as well as a 15-time world champion. In other words, he’s not just some schmuck from the gym. Even the heel announcers are calling John Cena a future Hall of Famer. He gave 12 years of his life to the wrestling business and has made epic memories throughout his entire career.
Brock Lesnar is an entirely different animal. He hates the wrestling business and hates people even more. He’s a mercenary with a lust for money and inflicting pain on others. He too started in the WWE in 2002, but after winning multiple world titles left in 2004 to pursue other athletic careers. His most noteworthy achievement outside of WWE is being a former UFC Heavyweight Champion with victories over Shane Carwin, Randy Couture, and Frank Mir. He returned to WWE in 2012 on a part-time basis and did the impossible: he defeated The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 30 and handed him his first defeat at that pay-per-view.
The hype surrounding this upcoming Summer Slam main event was epic. It was a battle everybody wanted to see. And when it was all said and done, Brock Lesnar shocked the world yet again. This wasn’t just a professional wrestling match. This was something John Cena would later call a “100% ass-kicking” at the hands of Brock Lesnar. The match was only 30 seconds old and already Lesnar hit Cena with his finishing move: a fireman’s carry face buster called the F5. But Lesnar was far from finished.
Using his MMA background, he delivered hard knees, wrecking ball fists, and battleaxe elbows to John Cena, rendering him so helpless that the offence he could muster was extremely minimal. On top of those hard strikes, Brock Lesnar delivered 16 German suplexes to his opponent and left him gasping for air and struggling for clear vision.
Did I mention already that John Cena is a 15-time world champion and a future Hall of Famer? Okay, I was just making sure. It would seem unrealistic that a man with John Cena’s illustrious credentials would suffer a beating as torturous as that and not have anything left to give of his own. But that’s the way it happened and Brock Lesnar won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in convincing fashion, as Michael Cole put it.
The hype leading up to this match along with the sheer brutality of Lesnar’s offence was enough to convince Dave Meltzer, a well-respected wrestling historian, to give the performance 4.25 stars out of 5. I’m not speaking for Mr. Meltzer, but I’m guessing the reason it didn’t get the full five was because John Cena took a long time to recover from each suplex and strike and it slowed the match down considerably.
I’m normally all about fast-paced matches, but in the case of Lesnar vs. Cena, I can make an exception. This match was maximum brutality and resulted in a huge push for Brock Lesnar. If somebody were to defeat him for the WWE World Title, it would be an admirable and heroic feat. You might have to search far and wide for a wrestler who’s willing to do that, but he’s there, trust me.
As for John Cena, his future was being questioned after taking such a devastating beating. Triple H, the man in charge at the time, considered not giving him his obligatory rematch. A panel of Hall of Famers, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and Hulk Hogan, actually got together to debate whether John Cena would be ready for another rematch or if he should just retire since Lesnar’s unstoppable.
If John Cena ever did get another chance at the title, he would have a huge mountain to climb. If he climbed that mountain, it would give him the biggest boost in his career and would pretty much seal the deal for a Hall of Fame induction.
To prove he was ready, Cena did the exact same thing to Bray Wyatt during an episode of Raw that Brock Lesnar did to Cena at Summer Slam: delivered a 100% ass-kicking. Bray Wyatt’s a 300-lb wrecking ball, not some loser off the streets, so giving him a 100% beating is a heroic feat in and of itself.
Everything about this Summer Slam match from the in-ring action to the hype to the aftermath was well-executed on the part of WWE. Some would question their decision to make Brock Lesnar the champion since he’s on a part-time schedule and won’t defend it that often. I don’t question it, because main event pay-per-view matches in the WWE are still top quality without Lesnar’s presence. Isn’t that right, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins?
November 22, 2014
Cheryl Glenn
You’ve probably seen my posts for Devon Spirit Wolf and Constance Cable and are wondering why I have a fascination with female MMA referees. You’re already wondering if Cheryl Glenn will join the club and you’d be right in thinking so. Referees and females have something in common: they don’t get the respect and thanks they deserve for everything they do. If you’re a referee, you get criticized for every disagreeable decision you make. If you’re a woman, well, they’ll just call you things like “bitch” and “whore” while denying you the right to a safe abortion. I’d like to think of myself as someone who favors the underdogs of society.
Cheryl Glenn is somebody who is an underdog in a lot of ways. Aside from being a female MMA referee who only occasionally makes “bad” calls, she’s also in her early 50’s. She’s heard every sexist and ageist comment in the book. Since she actually is a grandmother, the sexist and ageist jokes come naturally for the ignorant masses. Mixed-martial arts is mostly watched by conservative males with a lot of energy and testosterone. If you think someone like Kim Winslow has a hard enough time being a female referee, then you can understand the plight of the fictional Cheryl Glenn as well. “Make me a sandwich, grandma!” Lovely. Just lovely.
But Mrs. Glenn isn’t one to back down from intimidation so easily. Aside from being a martial artist herself of many decades, she’s also been known to take away the ring announcer’s microphone and give the bigoted audience a piece of her mind.
Cheryl first made an appearance in a short story called “Dot Your Eyes”, where she was the referee for a lightweight main event between a gay fighter named Evan Rader and his homophobic opponent Heath Marks. Because Evan is openly gay, the audience thought it was funny to call him Evan Gay-der. Get it? Har-dee-har-har-har. My ribs are sore from forgetting to laugh. When Cheryl had her turn at the microphone, she told the audience if they didn’t stop chanting homophobic slurs, she was going to cancel the fight and declare it a No Contest due to audience distraction. They shut up pretty damn quickly after that.
Although “Dot Your Eyes” will never see the light of day due to its excessive vulgarity, there will be another time when Cheryl Glenn is used. When she has the microphone for another time, she’ll ask the lighting technicians to shine a spotlight on an certain audience member in the front row. She’ll give that audience member a speech similar to the one David Draiman from Disturbed gave at one of his concerts. It goes like this:
“Hi there! You obviously didn’t come here to watch the fights. You’ve been playing fucking videogames on your smart phone since the opening match. I’ll tell you what. Can you do me a favor? Because right now, to be honest, I can appreciate you not being a fan of the UFC. Hell, there are even times when the UFC pisses ME off. But right now, you’re being really disrespectful to the fighters who came here to perform for you. If you’d rather play videogames, then give up your seat to somebody who wants to watch the fights. So this is how this is going to work. If you want to be respectful, you can stay. If not, then security, if you see him take out his cell phone one more time, you have my permission to kick him the fuck out of here!”
It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, young or old, gay or straight: Cheryl Glenn doesn’t fear you. She may be a grandmother and she may be a woman herself, but she’ll still kick your ass if you cross her. It could be a well-placed kick between the legs. It could be a judo hip toss a la Ronda Rousey. It could be five fingers of death right to your glass jaw. If you’re really curious as to how much of a grumpy grandma Cheryl can be, push her limits. She’ll not only push back, she’ll push your ass over.
***POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.”
-Bertrand Russell-
Cheryl Glenn is somebody who is an underdog in a lot of ways. Aside from being a female MMA referee who only occasionally makes “bad” calls, she’s also in her early 50’s. She’s heard every sexist and ageist comment in the book. Since she actually is a grandmother, the sexist and ageist jokes come naturally for the ignorant masses. Mixed-martial arts is mostly watched by conservative males with a lot of energy and testosterone. If you think someone like Kim Winslow has a hard enough time being a female referee, then you can understand the plight of the fictional Cheryl Glenn as well. “Make me a sandwich, grandma!” Lovely. Just lovely.
But Mrs. Glenn isn’t one to back down from intimidation so easily. Aside from being a martial artist herself of many decades, she’s also been known to take away the ring announcer’s microphone and give the bigoted audience a piece of her mind.
Cheryl first made an appearance in a short story called “Dot Your Eyes”, where she was the referee for a lightweight main event between a gay fighter named Evan Rader and his homophobic opponent Heath Marks. Because Evan is openly gay, the audience thought it was funny to call him Evan Gay-der. Get it? Har-dee-har-har-har. My ribs are sore from forgetting to laugh. When Cheryl had her turn at the microphone, she told the audience if they didn’t stop chanting homophobic slurs, she was going to cancel the fight and declare it a No Contest due to audience distraction. They shut up pretty damn quickly after that.
Although “Dot Your Eyes” will never see the light of day due to its excessive vulgarity, there will be another time when Cheryl Glenn is used. When she has the microphone for another time, she’ll ask the lighting technicians to shine a spotlight on an certain audience member in the front row. She’ll give that audience member a speech similar to the one David Draiman from Disturbed gave at one of his concerts. It goes like this:
“Hi there! You obviously didn’t come here to watch the fights. You’ve been playing fucking videogames on your smart phone since the opening match. I’ll tell you what. Can you do me a favor? Because right now, to be honest, I can appreciate you not being a fan of the UFC. Hell, there are even times when the UFC pisses ME off. But right now, you’re being really disrespectful to the fighters who came here to perform for you. If you’d rather play videogames, then give up your seat to somebody who wants to watch the fights. So this is how this is going to work. If you want to be respectful, you can stay. If not, then security, if you see him take out his cell phone one more time, you have my permission to kick him the fuck out of here!”
It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, young or old, gay or straight: Cheryl Glenn doesn’t fear you. She may be a grandmother and she may be a woman herself, but she’ll still kick your ass if you cross her. It could be a well-placed kick between the legs. It could be a judo hip toss a la Ronda Rousey. It could be five fingers of death right to your glass jaw. If you’re really curious as to how much of a grumpy grandma Cheryl can be, push her limits. She’ll not only push back, she’ll push your ass over.
***POLITICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.”
-Bertrand Russell-
November 17, 2014
Audrey Chainsaw
Okay, so chainsaws weren’t invented in the dark ages, but it’s still pretty damn sweet to see a sorceress with the name Audrey Chainsaw coming to Deckard Cain’s rescue. The name alone is enough to send shivers down the spines of imp demons (not that they don’t already have them as evidenced by their constant evasions). If my Diablo II: Lord of Destruction sorceress was named Audrey Periwinkle, her dead enemies would come back to life just to laugh at her. She would die of low self-esteem, which sounds nastier than some of the things Diablo’s minions did to the rogue soldiers with their torture devices.
Although Audrey didn’t carry an anachronistic weapon around like a chainsaw, she was still a deadly sorceress to play with in Diablo II. She was just like any other sorceress I played with in the sense she specialized in cold magic. Just one blast from Audrey’s mystic energies would either slow down or completely immobilize her opponents (the latter provided it wasn’t a boss enemy).
Once the enemies were frozen in place, Audrey whacked them relentlessly with whatever weapon she had until they turned into puddles of water. Puddles of water can’t be resurrected in the same way a fresh corpse can, which is bad news for an imp shaman as well as Blood Raven. Then again, it’s also bad news for any necromancer that might want to be in my adventuring party since they too can raise undead minions.
In a game where fast enemies can cause a fast death, slowing them down with frost magic is essential. Unfortunately, that’s where the fun ends with Audrey Chainsaw and any other sorceress using cold magic. Audrey became so dependent on her magic that she never had the chance to beef herself up into a legitimate warrior. And what was she supposed to do against an enemy with mana burn? Or what if she used her magic so many times and drank all of her mana potions? Limited mana is the one thing about magic users that pissed me off no matter what fantasy-themed game I was playing, which is why I favored warriors since they could take a beating as well as give a relentless one.
Audrey never made it past the first act. Every time she engaged in battle with Andariel, she was killed so easily that resurrecting her became a pain in the ass after a while. While it may be too late for Audrey Chainsaw to become a legitimate threat in a videogame, it’s not too late for her as a book character.
Seeing as how her last name is Chainsaw, she’d have to have powerful cold magic right off the bat. No learning, no sharing, no growth, just straight up cold magic. But if she’s not required to learn anything, then it means she can’t be the main character of whatever book I’m writing. Main characters grow and develop while side characters may already be there and villains weaken over time. I loved playing as Audrey in Diablo II, but if she has to play second banana in order to make a story believable, then so be it. I wouldn’t even be opposed to making her the main villain. We’ll just wait and see what happens.
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
ME: Tomorrow in school, Reina is going to learn about the Norwegian deserts and the Mexican glaciers.
SUSAN: Why would she be learning about that? Wait a minute, you’re an asshole!
Although Audrey didn’t carry an anachronistic weapon around like a chainsaw, she was still a deadly sorceress to play with in Diablo II. She was just like any other sorceress I played with in the sense she specialized in cold magic. Just one blast from Audrey’s mystic energies would either slow down or completely immobilize her opponents (the latter provided it wasn’t a boss enemy).
Once the enemies were frozen in place, Audrey whacked them relentlessly with whatever weapon she had until they turned into puddles of water. Puddles of water can’t be resurrected in the same way a fresh corpse can, which is bad news for an imp shaman as well as Blood Raven. Then again, it’s also bad news for any necromancer that might want to be in my adventuring party since they too can raise undead minions.
In a game where fast enemies can cause a fast death, slowing them down with frost magic is essential. Unfortunately, that’s where the fun ends with Audrey Chainsaw and any other sorceress using cold magic. Audrey became so dependent on her magic that she never had the chance to beef herself up into a legitimate warrior. And what was she supposed to do against an enemy with mana burn? Or what if she used her magic so many times and drank all of her mana potions? Limited mana is the one thing about magic users that pissed me off no matter what fantasy-themed game I was playing, which is why I favored warriors since they could take a beating as well as give a relentless one.
Audrey never made it past the first act. Every time she engaged in battle with Andariel, she was killed so easily that resurrecting her became a pain in the ass after a while. While it may be too late for Audrey Chainsaw to become a legitimate threat in a videogame, it’s not too late for her as a book character.
Seeing as how her last name is Chainsaw, she’d have to have powerful cold magic right off the bat. No learning, no sharing, no growth, just straight up cold magic. But if she’s not required to learn anything, then it means she can’t be the main character of whatever book I’m writing. Main characters grow and develop while side characters may already be there and villains weaken over time. I loved playing as Audrey in Diablo II, but if she has to play second banana in order to make a story believable, then so be it. I wouldn’t even be opposed to making her the main villain. We’ll just wait and see what happens.
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
ME: Tomorrow in school, Reina is going to learn about the Norwegian deserts and the Mexican glaciers.
SUSAN: Why would she be learning about that? Wait a minute, you’re an asshole!
November 16, 2014
X-Men: First Class
MOVIE TITLE: X-Men: First Class
GENRE: Political Superhero Movie
RATING: PG-13 for violence and language
GRADE: Pass
In America, there are always two sides to every political battle: liberal vs. conservative, white vs. black, rich vs. poor, etc. In X-Men: First Class, a very different political battle takes place: between “normal” humans and mutants. All the mutants want is the same civil rights their “normal” counterparts are entitled to. Due to the mutants’ unstable superpowers, they haven’t been granted those rights and are often seen as second-class citizens.
If you take a peaceful and loving approach to mutant rights, you’ll want to side with the Martin Luther King, Jr. esque Professor Charles Xavier. If you want to stain your opponents in their own blood and filth, side with the Malcolm X esque Magneto. Despite being worlds apart in their approaches, Professor X and Magneto were at one point best friends. They needed each other’s friendship in the worst way in X-Men: First Class when they had to battle a powerful nemesis named Sebastian Shaw in an attempt to stop him from exploiting the Cuban Missile Crisis to further his evil agenda.
If you’re a sucker for political analogies melded into a superhero backdrop, X-Men: First Class is for you. The movie maintains a safe distance from the problems we face in the real world so that the audience can enjoy the movie without starting a riot. Those who wish to delve deeper into the movie’s meaning of social justice will also be satisfied. Or if you just want to watch a bunch of overpowered superheroes beat the shit out of each other, that’s fine too, there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you’ve seen other X-Men movies directed by Bryan Singer, then you’ll appreciate the extra effort he puts into making sure his storylines don’t contradict each other between movies. Mystique for example starts out as a beautiful human woman who only occasionally transforms into the scaly blue assassin we all know from the later movies. If you’re interested in knowing how she got that way, First Class will be happy to explain it to you. Same thing with The Beast. He starts out as a webbed foot scientist and later becomes the blue gorilla berserker we all know him to be today. No spoilers, you’ll have to watch the damn movie. Are you also curious as to why Professor X in the later movies rolls around in a wheel chair? What about where the name X-Men came from? Watch the damn movie.
This movie has everything a superhero fan could ever want: energy-tossing violence, a solid storyline that doesn’t falter or contradicts itself, a little bit of romance, a little bit of friendship, and a whole lot of interesting superpowers for these mutants to wield. Have you ever wanted to know how to win a fight with a teleporting demon? Have you ever wanted to know what will happen if a powerful mutant swallows a volcanic orb? Do you still think the ability to control metal and the ability to read minds will make you so godly that you can’t be beaten? There are no gods in this movie, only martyrs. But just because there are no gods, doesn’t mean an Armageddon flame shower isn’t possible. This is the Cuban Missile Crisis we’re talking about there, this is serious stuff. A mutant with a missile? God help us all.
A passing grade is what I give X-Men: First Class, along with any other X-Men movie in this canon. Well done, mutants. Wait a minute, did I just say “well done” in a conversation about fire? That was an accident, I swear to god, or the mutants who think they can play god.
GENRE: Political Superhero Movie
RATING: PG-13 for violence and language
GRADE: Pass
In America, there are always two sides to every political battle: liberal vs. conservative, white vs. black, rich vs. poor, etc. In X-Men: First Class, a very different political battle takes place: between “normal” humans and mutants. All the mutants want is the same civil rights their “normal” counterparts are entitled to. Due to the mutants’ unstable superpowers, they haven’t been granted those rights and are often seen as second-class citizens.
If you take a peaceful and loving approach to mutant rights, you’ll want to side with the Martin Luther King, Jr. esque Professor Charles Xavier. If you want to stain your opponents in their own blood and filth, side with the Malcolm X esque Magneto. Despite being worlds apart in their approaches, Professor X and Magneto were at one point best friends. They needed each other’s friendship in the worst way in X-Men: First Class when they had to battle a powerful nemesis named Sebastian Shaw in an attempt to stop him from exploiting the Cuban Missile Crisis to further his evil agenda.
If you’re a sucker for political analogies melded into a superhero backdrop, X-Men: First Class is for you. The movie maintains a safe distance from the problems we face in the real world so that the audience can enjoy the movie without starting a riot. Those who wish to delve deeper into the movie’s meaning of social justice will also be satisfied. Or if you just want to watch a bunch of overpowered superheroes beat the shit out of each other, that’s fine too, there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you’ve seen other X-Men movies directed by Bryan Singer, then you’ll appreciate the extra effort he puts into making sure his storylines don’t contradict each other between movies. Mystique for example starts out as a beautiful human woman who only occasionally transforms into the scaly blue assassin we all know from the later movies. If you’re interested in knowing how she got that way, First Class will be happy to explain it to you. Same thing with The Beast. He starts out as a webbed foot scientist and later becomes the blue gorilla berserker we all know him to be today. No spoilers, you’ll have to watch the damn movie. Are you also curious as to why Professor X in the later movies rolls around in a wheel chair? What about where the name X-Men came from? Watch the damn movie.
This movie has everything a superhero fan could ever want: energy-tossing violence, a solid storyline that doesn’t falter or contradicts itself, a little bit of romance, a little bit of friendship, and a whole lot of interesting superpowers for these mutants to wield. Have you ever wanted to know how to win a fight with a teleporting demon? Have you ever wanted to know what will happen if a powerful mutant swallows a volcanic orb? Do you still think the ability to control metal and the ability to read minds will make you so godly that you can’t be beaten? There are no gods in this movie, only martyrs. But just because there are no gods, doesn’t mean an Armageddon flame shower isn’t possible. This is the Cuban Missile Crisis we’re talking about there, this is serious stuff. A mutant with a missile? God help us all.
A passing grade is what I give X-Men: First Class, along with any other X-Men movie in this canon. Well done, mutants. Wait a minute, did I just say “well done” in a conversation about fire? That was an accident, I swear to god, or the mutants who think they can play god.
November 12, 2014
Rhys Jambi
Pirate culture was something I wasn’t always emotionally invested in. Even after watching two movies from the Pirates of the Caribbean series and watching an anime called One Piece, I couldn’t get behind the culture. What finally changed my mind about it was joining a Good Reads group aptly called Weekly Short Story Contests and Company, which I’m still a proud member of. We posts stories and poems and get awesome feedback whether it’s in the form of praise or critique. But more importantly, this Good Reads group has a pirate motif. It’s not just an internet group; it’s a pirate ship complete with talking mice, roughhousing, and swashbuckling. God, I love the internet!
Which brings me to Rhys Jambi, who would have been lost in the dark recesses of my character archives if it wasn’t for me joining the WSS group and being influenced by piracy. Not much is known about Mr. Jambi except via a crappy drawing I did of him in 2006, a time when the men looked like sticks, the women looked like men, and neither of them had a lot of extraordinary details. Rhys didn’t have a story to be a part of, which is probably why he’s only known through that crappy drawing. From what anybody could gather, he had tall spiky hair, baggy pants, sandals, and a giant sword with a crescent hook at the end of it instead of a point, much like the one owned by Tidus from Final Fantasy X.
So now that Mr. Jambi is known only through the drawing, it’s time to give him a personality of some kind. The pirate is not an official Dungeons & Dragons class (at least according to 3.5 edition standards), but if it were, the characters who portrayed it could be any alignment it want as long as it was non-lawful. As it turns out, hostile takeovers of other people’s ships don’t constitute the behavior of people who obey the law. Isn’t that right, Captain Phillips? Okay, that was in poor taste, but you get the point, right?
Despite freely breaking the social contract, pirates can still be either good, evil, or neutral. Once a decision is made in that regard, there still needs to be a decision made whether Rhys Jambi will be chaotic or neutral. Since I only have a small space to make those decisions, I elect that he be a mixture of all those non-lawful alignments. He can rape and pillage one minute and save a kitten from a tree the next. If I’m going to have him undertake an ambiguous alignment like that, it means he can’t do something so horrible he crosses the Moral Event Horizon. Otherwise, Mr. Jambi won’t be believable. I could make him believable if I gave him Multiple Personality Disorder, but I feel like that would be exploiting people with mental illnesses.
Aside from what I’ve already said in this post, Rhys Jambi is a clean slate. I’m sure he’ll adapt comfortably to whatever role I assign him. What could possibly go wrong? It’s like hiring a guy with no job history but a reputable education. Yes, it’s true he’s never had a job before, but he’s young and a go-getter. Shouldn’t that be enough? It sounds like I’m trying to sell this talking point to a future employer, but that ship sailed when I terminated my contract with the Department of Vocational Rehab years ago. Wait a minute, did I just make a ship analogy in a blog post about a pirate? I swear that was an accident. However, if he’s going to be a chaotic pirate, he needs a ship.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Careful where you shoot, because you might hit what you aim for.”
-Linkin Park singing “Keys to the Kingdom”-
Which brings me to Rhys Jambi, who would have been lost in the dark recesses of my character archives if it wasn’t for me joining the WSS group and being influenced by piracy. Not much is known about Mr. Jambi except via a crappy drawing I did of him in 2006, a time when the men looked like sticks, the women looked like men, and neither of them had a lot of extraordinary details. Rhys didn’t have a story to be a part of, which is probably why he’s only known through that crappy drawing. From what anybody could gather, he had tall spiky hair, baggy pants, sandals, and a giant sword with a crescent hook at the end of it instead of a point, much like the one owned by Tidus from Final Fantasy X.
So now that Mr. Jambi is known only through the drawing, it’s time to give him a personality of some kind. The pirate is not an official Dungeons & Dragons class (at least according to 3.5 edition standards), but if it were, the characters who portrayed it could be any alignment it want as long as it was non-lawful. As it turns out, hostile takeovers of other people’s ships don’t constitute the behavior of people who obey the law. Isn’t that right, Captain Phillips? Okay, that was in poor taste, but you get the point, right?
Despite freely breaking the social contract, pirates can still be either good, evil, or neutral. Once a decision is made in that regard, there still needs to be a decision made whether Rhys Jambi will be chaotic or neutral. Since I only have a small space to make those decisions, I elect that he be a mixture of all those non-lawful alignments. He can rape and pillage one minute and save a kitten from a tree the next. If I’m going to have him undertake an ambiguous alignment like that, it means he can’t do something so horrible he crosses the Moral Event Horizon. Otherwise, Mr. Jambi won’t be believable. I could make him believable if I gave him Multiple Personality Disorder, but I feel like that would be exploiting people with mental illnesses.
Aside from what I’ve already said in this post, Rhys Jambi is a clean slate. I’m sure he’ll adapt comfortably to whatever role I assign him. What could possibly go wrong? It’s like hiring a guy with no job history but a reputable education. Yes, it’s true he’s never had a job before, but he’s young and a go-getter. Shouldn’t that be enough? It sounds like I’m trying to sell this talking point to a future employer, but that ship sailed when I terminated my contract with the Department of Vocational Rehab years ago. Wait a minute, did I just make a ship analogy in a blog post about a pirate? I swear that was an accident. However, if he’s going to be a chaotic pirate, he needs a ship.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Careful where you shoot, because you might hit what you aim for.”
-Linkin Park singing “Keys to the Kingdom”-
November 11, 2014
Harry Potter
SERIES TITLE: Harry Potter
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
RATING: Either PG or PG-13, depending on fantasy violence, brief language, and disturbing moments
GRADE: Pass
It takes many movies to tell the story of a young prodigy wizard named Harry Potter. His parents were slain by the dark sorcerer Voldemort and he grew up in a foster family that never gave a damn about him. And yet, with each year at Hogwarts School of Wizardry, this everyday boy continues to impress as he gets closer to saving the world from Voldemort and his dark forces. But of course, Harry’s tale is so famous that a synopsis is almost unnecessary. You’d have to be living under a rock to not see him grow up into the powerful man he was by the end of the series.
I always give praise to fantasy and sci-fi movies that establish limits on a wizard’s power. With Star Wars, every Jedi was blessed with light saber skills and telepathic powers. In Harry Potter, the students’ magical prowess is what you’d expect of someone who isn’t blessed with beginner’s luck. Harry and his friends can only do so much with knock back spells and defensive shields. They’re not fireball slingers and lightning bolt throwers. And yet, this little bit of power is enhanced with creativity and slick thinking on Harry’s part. In the end, brains will always defeat brawn.
The one aspect of each movie that pulls at my heartstrings every time is the relationships between Harry and his fellow students. From the beginning, he establishes a close kinship with Ron Weasley and his family, so much so that Harry is allowed to stay at their house when he argues with his own foster family. And then you have the lovely Emma Watson’s character Hermione Granger, who is the very essence of a strong feminine character. She can take care of herself, but at the same time she stays loyal to those who need her. The romantic undertones are that much more believable with a strong female lead as opposed to a Mary-Sue.
Harry also has a profound influence on minor characters as evidenced in their trust of him when the authoritarian teacher Dolores Umbridge takes over Hogwarts. Strong characters make for a strong story. In the case of Harry Potter, they’re more memorable than the sorcery used to combat evil.
If you want an idea of how much of a strong bond the characters have with each other, listen to this. The actors who portrayed those characters were actually getting brokenhearted when the Harry Potter series was coming to a close. The audience was feeling their pain of loss every step of the way. Your heart would sink to the bottom too if you even heard a rumor about Emma Watson having tears in her eyes, knowing how much of an influence she had on the series.
But it’s true: the Harry Potter movies are finished and the actors have gone their separate ways. They’re closing the door on their final project, but the memories and the magic remain. Every spell cast, every enchantment placed, every scream of pain, every tear of joy, every bright smile, they’re not going away that easily despite the ending of a long running series. Each of these movies took a piece of our hearts and imagination with them. The audience has been begging JK Rowling, the mastermind behind the books that were eventually made into movies, for more Harry Potter stories. When the magic is that strong, it can’t be ruined by some jerk-ass saying “Get a life”. I can only close this out by saying one thing: long live Harry Potter!
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
RATING: Either PG or PG-13, depending on fantasy violence, brief language, and disturbing moments
GRADE: Pass
It takes many movies to tell the story of a young prodigy wizard named Harry Potter. His parents were slain by the dark sorcerer Voldemort and he grew up in a foster family that never gave a damn about him. And yet, with each year at Hogwarts School of Wizardry, this everyday boy continues to impress as he gets closer to saving the world from Voldemort and his dark forces. But of course, Harry’s tale is so famous that a synopsis is almost unnecessary. You’d have to be living under a rock to not see him grow up into the powerful man he was by the end of the series.
I always give praise to fantasy and sci-fi movies that establish limits on a wizard’s power. With Star Wars, every Jedi was blessed with light saber skills and telepathic powers. In Harry Potter, the students’ magical prowess is what you’d expect of someone who isn’t blessed with beginner’s luck. Harry and his friends can only do so much with knock back spells and defensive shields. They’re not fireball slingers and lightning bolt throwers. And yet, this little bit of power is enhanced with creativity and slick thinking on Harry’s part. In the end, brains will always defeat brawn.
The one aspect of each movie that pulls at my heartstrings every time is the relationships between Harry and his fellow students. From the beginning, he establishes a close kinship with Ron Weasley and his family, so much so that Harry is allowed to stay at their house when he argues with his own foster family. And then you have the lovely Emma Watson’s character Hermione Granger, who is the very essence of a strong feminine character. She can take care of herself, but at the same time she stays loyal to those who need her. The romantic undertones are that much more believable with a strong female lead as opposed to a Mary-Sue.
Harry also has a profound influence on minor characters as evidenced in their trust of him when the authoritarian teacher Dolores Umbridge takes over Hogwarts. Strong characters make for a strong story. In the case of Harry Potter, they’re more memorable than the sorcery used to combat evil.
If you want an idea of how much of a strong bond the characters have with each other, listen to this. The actors who portrayed those characters were actually getting brokenhearted when the Harry Potter series was coming to a close. The audience was feeling their pain of loss every step of the way. Your heart would sink to the bottom too if you even heard a rumor about Emma Watson having tears in her eyes, knowing how much of an influence she had on the series.
But it’s true: the Harry Potter movies are finished and the actors have gone their separate ways. They’re closing the door on their final project, but the memories and the magic remain. Every spell cast, every enchantment placed, every scream of pain, every tear of joy, every bright smile, they’re not going away that easily despite the ending of a long running series. Each of these movies took a piece of our hearts and imagination with them. The audience has been begging JK Rowling, the mastermind behind the books that were eventually made into movies, for more Harry Potter stories. When the magic is that strong, it can’t be ruined by some jerk-ass saying “Get a life”. I can only close this out by saying one thing: long live Harry Potter!
