Clare Macnaughton's Blog, page 38

The Case Of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Thirteen

The Thirteenth Bit:  Horny Hormunculous Handles Horrible Hamster.

 

 

I lit myself a fresh smoke and kicked Clare under the table.  She was about to interrupt.  Straight non-peeper guys don’t get the idea.  When the Bad Guy…. Bad Hamster is chundering on you just let them.  They give you a chance to walk out alive.  A chink in their armour that you can use.  Especially if they can throw bloody great big fire balls and burn your house down.

“So I thought that I’d skip the whole mammalian route and another five centuries at least.  Go straight to human, with a little detour via possession.  That way I get to actually live again.”  Lucrezia the Hamster Borgia gave a little squeak of excitement at the prospect.

“But if you possessed me…” Clare butted in, kicking me first this time.   “You would have one Hell of a fight on your hands.”

“Oh Please Lady.”  Lucrezia gave the sort of smile only a rodent can manage.  “You’d be easy as poisoning my first husband.  A walk around the wheel as it were.  I’ve already marked you and used your blood to draw circles of power all over this house.  A few words and BANG.  You pop out of your body and bounce around for a bit.  While you’re out, I move in.  Easy as it gets.  Once you’ve figured out what’s happening, that only leaves you one place to go.  My old body.  See how you like being a rat for a while.  In the meantime, well… I have noticed quite a few very pretty young men and women here abouts.  I’ve been without a decent, what was it you called it?  ‘Zipless Fuck’? for centuries.  I thoroughly intend to make up for it.  And after a potion or two, I’m sure even some of the more reticent young ladies from the W.I will give in to my advances.”

“Especially when she’s got such a tight, hot young body.  And once you’ve moved in, how would you feel about a little Red Hot Homunculus Action, Doll?  Reaches the parts no other man, woman or implement can reach.  Literally.”  Humph sidled over and put an arm around Lucrezia’s shoulders.  “In fact, I’m not adverse to a little Hamster action if there’s any going.”

Lucrezia stroked Humph’s face.  She did the gazing into his eyes thing.  She even gave to most lascivious and lecherous wink I’d ever seen one being ever give another.

I did the trick with the shoe.

“If I get the timing right, Little Man, you may be up for a nice little three-way.”  Then Lucrezia turned her attention back to us.  “You three however…. Well, two for the Toaster and one for the plug hole…. as it were.”

Then Lucrezia, with Humph watching, began to draw a large circle with her rear claws.  Circles within circles, amplifying the power.  Amplifying her will.   Pressure began to build in the kitchen, and in true pyromaniacal standard, the flowers in the window burst into flames.  Pete dashed to the sink and ran them under the tap.

Then it got Nasty.

The post The Case Of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Thirteen appeared first on Modern Military Mother .

The Case of The Missing Hamster: Part Twelve

The Twelfth Bit:  Dead isn’t necessarily Dead.

 

 

“Yes.  I am the Great Lucrezia Borgia.  And don’t look at me like that Lady.  It’s not easy to sex a Hamster you know, the guy at the shop just threw the first one he could into a box and you got me.  Alright.  Boo Fucking Hoo.  Get over it.”

“But Lucrezia Borgia is…..”  You could tell Clare was struggling to find the right words.

“Dead.”  Lucrezia The Hamster said.  “Very dead.  Died while squeezing out another little bastard for old Al of Ferrara.  Oh, and it was definitely a little bastard, because Al could only get it up for guys, so I worked my way around half the army.  It killed the time.  There is only so much tapestry and poisoning one woman can do.”

“True.”  Said Clare.  “So you are…”

“The reincarnated spirit of a serial killer.”  I butted in.  A little reality check never goes amiss.

“Now that’s a bit of a harsh term.”  Humphrey chipped in.  “I mean, a dame in those days only had so many career options you know.  And besides…  by all accounts she was a bit of a shag magnet.  Bit like me.”  Humph licked his hair flat.  A sure sign he was on the pull.

“So what were you doing here?”  Clare asked.  “I mean, you’ve burned half the bloody house down.”

“Well.”  Lucrezia went on.  “I’ve been on hundreds of years moving my way up the Reincarnation Ladder.  I started off as a bacillus.  Then an amoeba.  Years of that, endlessly subdividing.  Never really getting anyway.  Years down the line, a flatworm.  Imagine that.  A bloody flatworm.  It’s taken me centuries of being a good little nematode or insect to reach the giddy heights of being a fucking rodent.  And the worst of it is, you’re fully aware of all of your past lives.  So not only do I remember all the fun we had at The Vatican, but I also remember the wild times I had being Amoebic Dysentry.  Frankly I’m tired of waiting.  And do you know the worst of it?  I don’t even believe in Reincarnation.  I’m a Catholic through and through.  True, I might also be a practicing Witch, but I’m still a Catholic Witch.”

Lucrezia The Hamster gave an Evil Grin.  Capital letter and everything.

“And you’re all going to die.  Horribly.”

 

The post The Case of The Missing Hamster: Part Twelve appeared first on Modern Military Mother .

The Art of Thinking Clearly

I bought The art of Thinking Clearly by Ralf Dobelli in Basingstoke hospital’s WHSmith last week when the children and I had an hour long wait for the Orthodontist as we were delayed by the traffic on the A303. I am finding it very difficult to put down. It’s been a while since I have been compelled to read.

It begs the question ‘do I think clearly?’ – alas I think I do. I sometimes wish I didn’t because my life would be so much simpler if I could follow the consensus. I am practicing the art of not giving a fuck. I am getting much better at it. It’s quite tricky at times but humour helps. Not giving a fuck is very helpful – it enables me to remain focussed on the living mission.

So in answer to your questions:

1.) Yes, Hagar and I are still separated

2.) I am now the proud, primary carer of both our children.

3.) The Grenade has left boarding school and now lives with me

4.) Hagar has moved into the Officer’s Mess

Mrs Sparkle says that when people ask if Hagar and I are still together I should tell them to ‘mind your own business’. It seems strange though to run a blog and then not be candid. I am being as candid as I can be at the moment. The Menace is struggling at school and I can attribute her delayed development directly to the trauma of living with military stress. The military will willingly take your last breath if you are willing to give it. I watched Hagar give himself heart, body and soul to a service which asked HIM to decide how much he could handle. In a high pressure back-to-back ops environment seeing things my eyes can’t contemplate, working endless hours and sacrificing his soul on a treadmill that turned endlessly for over 7 years, we as a family withdrew into silence, with our heads down, soldiering on, maintaining the order, keeping the treadmill turning, slowly dying inside.

As a family, we don’t dramatically declare on a daily basis that we are trying to re-piece our lives, to make sense of our future, to protect our children and helping them grow into their potential. Despite of this, we still face treachery from those we counted as friends, who lack empathy and continue to try to trip us up, throw obstacles in our way and some even inject needles into the voodoo doll that is me. But I am not going to let a few little pricks get in the way, after all that we have endured these last years, I am Batfink, ‘my wings are like a shield of steel’.

This is the new life within the old life, and so the next phase begins. The Grenade has left the boarding school. I have been clammed like clam with regards to my opinions and I will remain silent for a little bit longer. I am from Wessex – this I now know. Now that I am back in the Kingdom of Wessex and re-united with my fellow knights of the realm, I remember who I was when I left the Kingdom some 23 years ago. I remember the influences that shaped my thinking because the Kingdom of Wessex is a unique place. It was such a place during my formative years and here back on my home turf I am glad to be re-united with my kin, to connect with the old me, so that I can let the internal anarchy begin.

 

 

 

 

The post The Art of Thinking Clearly appeared first on Modern Military Mother .

#bekindtoyou Women’s Wellness Week

 

In 2013, women are trying to be everything to everyone (with no small degree of success), but while we’re climbing career ladders, raising families, and being the ultimate socialite as well, it is often our own wellbeing that gets neglected.

So on 16th September 2013, the UK’s largest spa booking agency, Spabreaks.com, will be launching the first Women’s Wellness Week with the message #bekindtoyou, to raise awareness and discussions about women’s health and wellbeing; encouraging us all to be a little kinder to ourselves.

In the lead up to #bekindtoyou Women’s Wellness Week, members of the Spabreaks.com team will walk 100 miles in their dressing gowns from Bath to London, to raise money for the week’s beneficiary cancer support charity, Look Good Feel Better. They will endeavour to walk just short of a marathon each day supported by the Elemis bus, and will be handing out golden tickets containing vouchers and bumper spa prizes to those who come to meet them along the way.

The end of the walk will mark the start of #bekindtoyou Women’s Wellness Week, and will be celebrated with a #bekindtoyou Afternoon Tea on Monday 16th September at Grace Belgravia, provided by Tony Zoccola of East Dulwich Deli, gifts for guests are from boutique spa brand Urban Spa Retreat, and entertainment will include performances from body confidence campaigners Body Gossip, a fashion show from Curvy Kate, and more; all kept in check by compere, Gaby Roslin!

Spabreaks.com have also issued a #bekindtoyou Women’s Wellness Week charity wristband!

The most important thing about this week however is that you put aside a little time just for you. Tell us, what you are going to do this week to #bekindtoyou, @spabreaks @amodmilitarymum

For full details about #bekindtoyou Women’s Wellness Week, visit www.womenswellnessweek.com.

 

The post #bekindtoyou Women’s Wellness Week appeared first on Modern Military Mother .

The Case of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Eleven

The Eleventh Bit:  Lots of bits to this aren’t there?  Good for you for sticking with it.  Give yourself a pat on the back.

 

Clare rested a hand on my elbow.  Nice.  Better than a punch to the throat any day.

“How many children do you have?”  She asked.

“Just one.  Born by adoption.  I never use the voice on her.  Only the other Kid’s I have around.”  I nodded at my business partner and technical son.

“That voice?”  She’d been hooked now.

“No.”

“Ah… go on.  I’ll give you a copy of my book.  A Modern Military Mother, available via Amazon, both in paperback and on Kindle.”

“Nope.  Next thing you’ll be wanting is a plug for the sequel.” I said, lighting a smoke.  “But while we’re plugging I have three books also available on Amazon, ‘Dog’, the sequel ‘Girl’ and not forgetting the new release ‘Bound’”.  But no.  Book Plugs aside, I will not teach you how to speak in Altered Font.  It’s a man thing.”

“Do you know how easy it would be to calm the kids down if I could speak in Font?  I could rule the Women’s Institute.  Nude calendars and everything.  Just a few words.”

I thought for a moment.  You can’t exactly rule the world with the voice, but it does come in handy on the odd occasion.  And it has Great Power.  And With Great Power comes Great Sex.  And Lots of it.

Maybe even Tricking The Ferret Down The Dancing Drainpipe.

Or being chased by an Attack Helicopter.

“I’ll think about it.” I said, walking to the table.  I’ll swear I heard a little foot stamp as I sat down.  “OK Rat.”  I said to the Hamster.  “How about we start with your name.  “Not Mr Fluffy or whatever the kids call you.  Let’s try your real name.”

“Got a smoke?”  Humphrey rolled one of his small smokes to the Hamster.  He picked it up and a small fire ball from a left ear lit it.

The Hamster took a big hit and blew a smoke ring.  “My name is Lucrezia Borgia.”

 

The post The Case of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Eleven appeared first on Modern Military Mother .

Uniform Equals Professionalism

Understanding the importance of uniform

In any workplace, a uniform is important. Whether you’re in an office that doesn’t deal directly with customers or something more directly interactive, there is always an argument for a uniformed appearance.

The benefits of a uniform, professional appearance are well documented but you should also try to understand what the customer may expect and want to see. Would you, for instance, be more likely to choose a service where staff displayed a uniformed appearance than one which didn’t? If this is the case then the same could be said for others, meaning you decision to introduce a uniform or not could affect your overall success.

Uniforms and professionalism

One of the benefits of a uniformed appearance is that it helps tie a team together. If your staff are wearing the same clothes, it reminds them that they are part of a team. Everyone will look equal which means there may be less room for power plays and battles over authority. Even when you don’t deal with the public directly, a uniformed appearance helps create a team mentality within the work environment and this can boost productivity by giving everyone a shared identity and goal.

This also helps customers understand the professionalism you are offering. Uniforms are a clear indication of how your employees and company work and this is something which can entice customers to use your service.

A business without a uniform can look out of place, even amateur, in some industries so it’s important to consider public perceptions over uniforms in the field within which you work. First impressions count a lot when it comes to businesses and you want to put your best foot forward with a professional image.

Similarly, a uniform emblazoned with your company logo can be a good form of advertising. Your staff are one of your biggest promotional assets and uniforms which display the company they work for boldly can really boost trade.

Practicality

When dealing in a practical business where your staff will often be working hands-on with various materials, a practical uniform is the most efficient. Something like mens overalls serves this purpose well, offering an item which is easy to clean and wash, and helps to protect your worker’s everyday clothes.

By keeping overalls the same, you maintain the professional, uniformed appearance whilst giving your employees practical clothing which directly benefits their work.

The post Uniform Equals Professionalism appeared first on Modern Military Mother .

The Case of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Ten

 

The Tenth Bit:  Vocal Projection Exercises.

 

 

“Eh…. Excuse me Mr Hamster.”  Said Pete.  “We are not actually practitioners of the Majic Arts.  My business partner, Mr Faustus here,  claims it to be just ‘a load of old testicles and an excuse for a lot of middle aged horny illegitimate sons of lady dogs to dance around in the nuddy and intercourse anything from woman, to man to root vegetables.”

“And fruit.  Don’t knock fruit.”  Said a certain jammy Homunculus.  “It can be very open minded can fruit.  And you don’t have to pay it or anything.  Or sedate it.”

“Do you three have any intention of scudding that hamster?”  Clare said, hands on her very shapely hips.

“Thank you Clare.”  Said The Hamster of Hades.  “I really can’t believe you asked these jokers in here.    I mean… to go up against ME they should have a smattering of Art at least.”

Another fire ball came from behind the microwave and hurtled straight at Clare.  Well… I could have grabbed her and enfolded her in my arms, taking the hit on my back.  I had enough protection in terms of amulets so it would only do a little singe work on my jacket.

But… and this is very important here… it was a new jacket, and I’d already seen the front of my shirt wrecked.  So I pushed Pete in front of her instead.

What?

He’s enough Daemon blood in him to soak up a fire ball no problem.  It just singed his hair and took his eyebrows off.  At least it got him to take a swipe at the Hamster.  Shame he did it through the microwave.

“Stop.” I shouted at the top my voice.  Just as the Hamster was about to throw another ball of sulphur and Pete was about to invent the microwave bludgeon.  “Now listen.  We both know the way this goes.  It’s straightforward narrative causality.  The two of you get into a slapping match, where neither of you get badly hurt, but this kitchen, house and possibly village gets trashed.  Which means I get a great big fucking bill because no insurance company will touch me anymore.  And I’m not having another one of those.  I’m still paying off for collapsing a Self Absorbtion Universe on a Sorcerer.  And let me tell you, you break one little Universe and you’ve got a shit load of God’s complaining about how it has a knock on effect with the property prices on their places.  Now you.”  I pointed at the Hamster.  “Put that fire ball down.”  And low and behold, the Fire was lowered.

“You.” I slapped Pete around the back of the head… because I hadn’t done it in a while.  “Get that microwave off your hand.  You look ridiculous.  Now.  We are all going to sit around the kitchen table and behave like a bunch of fucking adults, even if in one case we have to pretend.”  This, with associate glare of annoyance, was delivered at Humphrey.  “Do we all understand Me?  I can’t hear you.  Speak up.”

A small chorus of ‘yeses’…. ‘yes’s’……. yes’…… oh, however it’s punctuated. They all agreed.

While Pete removed the microwave from his hand and carried the Hamster to the table Clare took me to one side.

The post The Case of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Ten appeared first on Modern Military Mother .

The Case of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Nine

The Ninth Bit:  A touch of Gratuitous violence.

 

 

The fire ball hit me square in the chest, totally ruining one of my favourite shirts.  And I’d never be able to wear that tie again.  Still, it was entertaining watching the ball bounce off my chest and slam into the bread bin, melting it within a second.

“I just bought that.”  Clare snapped, hitting Pete on the back of the head.  “How did you do that?”

“Dated enough witches to know that you always go amuleted up.”  I slapped Pete around the back of the head as it hurts less than hitting a wall while you’re in pain.  “Amulets.  Better than a gun and always chucks the spell back at them threefold.”

There was a brief blur of fur from behind the molten bin, and an overwhelming smell of toast.  Hammy The Hamster had made a break for it.  Straight behind the microwave.

“Be careful with my stuff.”  Clare snapped hitting Pete about the neck.

“Very careful.”  I hit him harder.  After all, he’s my partner.  I get to hit him first.

“Pete.” I said in a stage whisper and clipping him around the ear for emphasis.  “I’ll move the microwave, you punch the hamster.”

“Oh, I don’t think I should do that in public.  I don’t even do that in private.  I wear boxing gloves at night, just in case.”

“What?”  Clare was getting the idea.  My business partner is a moron.

“Well.  I’m not about to intercourse myself while there is a young Lady around.  You’ll not catch me ‘Having a Humphrey’.  Why are you all staring at me like that?”

“Pete.  I actually want you to Punch The Hamster.”  I clocked him on the back of the head.  “Hit it with your fist.”

“And be careful of the wall.”  Clare just had to but in and clip his ear.

“Oh.”  He did have the decency to blush a little.  “I thought you were talking about masturbation.  I suspect that all of the ”

Clare and I took turns in hitting Pete on the back of the head.

“Excuse me.”  The Hamster had stepped out from behind the microwave and was up on its hind legs. Little hands resting on its hips.  “You do know that it is bad form to start a fight and then veer off part way through for a little chat, don’t you?  I happen to be a bloody professional here.  We should be into chucking fireballs all over this kitchen by now.  I should at least have incinerated the jammy little Homunculus, or at least toasted him into toffee.  So if you four would be good enough to start, I would much appreciate it.”  With that the Hamster stopped its little feet off behind the microwave again, muttering about the ‘Unprofessionalism of The British’.

Bloody foreign psychotic Mad Hamsters coming over here and stealing our Psychotic Mad Hamsters work.

 

The post The Case of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Nine appeared first on Modern Military Mother .

The Case of The Missing Hamster: Part Eight

The Eight Bit: Rain of Hellfire… well, if I’m honest, more of a drizzle.

 

 

On the plus side, I only found one more bite mark on Clare.  On the down side, it was on her back and inside a circle of blood.  Nasty work that.  She did scream a bit when I scrubbed it clean with Salt and Rosemary.  I’d live with the guilt somehow.

“So someone marked me?”  She had progressed from Coffee to Whisky now.  Always a good move when dealing with Occultists.  Especially and ten in the morning.   Even when I used to drink I never started at ten in the morning.  Normally by ten, I wasn’t sober enough to negotiate getting the top off the bottle.  Ten Of The Clock was Chemical Enhancement time…. in the old days.

“Yeah.” I said, lighting a fresh smoke and prodding the red end into the open bite mark.  Some more screaming occurred.  “I think you were being marked for a possession.  Damn Runes were too small to read.  Will you please stop screaming, and if you have to hit someone, please hit Pete.  That’s what I keep him around for.”

“True.”  Pete said, healing in front of my eyes.  The joys of Daemonic blood.  “Although sometimes Faustus is nice enough to allow me to be shot or occasionally stabbed.  Perhaps even a light explosion or two.  Normally at the hands of disgruntled husbands.  Oh look Faustus.  A photograph of a husband.  In front of an ATTACK HELLICOPTER.”

I hit him with a handy cheeseboard.  Always helpful.

“So my head was going to spin around and I’d be pebble dashing the walls?”   Clare’s hands were shaking with the newfound energy of someone who’s just found out how the world works.

“Nah.” I said, relighting the smoke.  “It wouldn’t work like that.  They’d simply rip your soul out of your body, stick it somewhere it couldn’t get free and then move into your shell.  Sort of like the ultimate squatter.  The plus side is that it’s not a Daemon or an Angel.  They creep in through the nose.  This is Left Hand Witchery or worse, Mage work,  Mind you, what they’d want with the Hamster I don’t…”

I grabbed her chin and lifted it, getting so up close and personal that I could feel Humphrey vibrating with excitement and wishing he had his video camera.

“Pete.”  I grabbed his head and thrust it under Clare’s chin.  “What do you notice?”

“Ah…  Clare is wearing Sloggi underwear.”

I tilted his head up.

“Oh.  I see what you mean.”

“Would either of you like to let me in on this?” Clare said.  “Or are you just going to choke me?”

I let her go and we both backed off, out of striking range.

“The bites were made by two very sharp teeth.”

“Rodential teeth to be exact.”

“The Hamster bit me?”  Clare flopped into her chair.  I moved the whisky glass out of her reach.  “My hamster is a vampire?”

“Nope.”  I ground my smoke out in the sink.  “Your hamster is a witch.”

“Shall I fire up the barbecue Dad?”  Humph chipped in.

“You do not have the skills to burn me, Mortals.”  Came a really squeaky little voice from somewhere in the kitchen.  “Prepare to die.  Apart from you Lady.  You just get gutted and dumped in a plant pot.”

Now most Dames, ones that aren’t from my world, hearing something like that would do the sensible thing.  Run away.  Given the choice, I’d run away.  I like running away.  It’s good for the heart, and so long as the Mob doesn’t catch you, it keeps you alive.

Clare picked up a carving knife.  Silly Bint.  Should have run away.

Humphrey widdled himself.

Pete started running around in circles and flapping his arms.

I lit another smoke.

A ball of Hellfire hit me square in the chest.

 

 

 

More EM Faustus Adventures can be found at

www.emfaustus.com       or the novels are available on Amazon and Kindle.

The post The Case of The Missing Hamster: Part Eight appeared first on Modern Military Mother .

The Case of The Missing Hamster: Part Seven

The Seventh Bit:  The Dame Gets her Kit Off.  (Video’s available upon application to Humphrey at www.dirtylittlepervert.com)

 

 

It was an odd explosion.

There weren’t any bits of him splattered about he just sought of…. blew out.  Then blew back in again.  Then got real fat, then thin then short, then long then… look.  to save using a lot more ‘then’s’ and reducing this to the level of a schoolboy’s essay…. The Little Pervert vanished.

I did the most obvious thing.

I hit Pete in the nose with my elbow, grabbed a handful of blood and threw it into the circle.

It was quite a loud explosion, considering it made no noise.  But it did knock us all off our feet and leave me deaf for a few moments.  I was also left with a strange taste of rubber.

“Fuck in a Bucket.”  Shouted Humphrey.  “That was great.  Can I go again?”

“Don’t you bloody dare.”  Screamed Clare as she got off the floor.  I lay still and looked up at her chin.  What a very pretty chin.  Pretty neck.  Pretty little bite mark.

Sometimes I get lucky.  This was one of them.  True, I prefer getting lucky and naked, but I’d seen a photograph of her husband and any guy who can fly an attack chopper I figured was worth staying on the good side of.  Still.  Sometimes you have to push.

“Sweets.” I said, getting to my feet.  “Get your clothes off.  I need to see…”

That was about as far as I got before the slap hit my face.  Damn that girl could hit.  I’ve had softer hits from a Troll.  I was thankful I’d brought Pete along.  I held him in front of me to soak up the flurry of kicks and punches that followed.  I could handle his pain.

“Look you daft bint.” I shouted over Pete’s whimpering.  “You’ve a bite mark under your chin.  I need to see if you’ve been marked anywhere else.  I’m sure you have a very nice body, and under other circumstances I’d be pleased to look for fun, but someone is bleeding you and putting down Circles of Power.  There’s Witchery here and it needs to be stopped otherwise….”

Clare stopped punching Pete in the face, much to his relief.

“Otherwise what?” she snapped.

“Otherwise you could end up being spit roasted in the Fire Pit of the Third Hell while Daemons prod your squidgy bits with pointed forms.  Or possibly you could be turned inside out.  While you’re alive.  Maybe you’ll grow old in a matter of seconds.”

By the time I got that far, she was peeling off her shirt.

 

The post The Case of The Missing Hamster: Part Seven appeared first on Modern Military Mother .