The Case of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Ten
The Tenth Bit: Vocal Projection Exercises.
“Eh…. Excuse me Mr Hamster.” Said Pete. “We are not actually practitioners of the Majic Arts. My business partner, Mr Faustus here, claims it to be just ‘a load of old testicles and an excuse for a lot of middle aged horny illegitimate sons of lady dogs to dance around in the nuddy and intercourse anything from woman, to man to root vegetables.”
“And fruit. Don’t knock fruit.” Said a certain jammy Homunculus. “It can be very open minded can fruit. And you don’t have to pay it or anything. Or sedate it.”
“Do you three have any intention of scudding that hamster?” Clare said, hands on her very shapely hips.
“Thank you Clare.” Said The Hamster of Hades. “I really can’t believe you asked these jokers in here. I mean… to go up against ME they should have a smattering of Art at least.”
Another fire ball came from behind the microwave and hurtled straight at Clare. Well… I could have grabbed her and enfolded her in my arms, taking the hit on my back. I had enough protection in terms of amulets so it would only do a little singe work on my jacket.
But… and this is very important here… it was a new jacket, and I’d already seen the front of my shirt wrecked. So I pushed Pete in front of her instead.
What?
He’s enough Daemon blood in him to soak up a fire ball no problem. It just singed his hair and took his eyebrows off. At least it got him to take a swipe at the Hamster. Shame he did it through the microwave.
“Stop.” I shouted at the top my voice. Just as the Hamster was about to throw another ball of sulphur and Pete was about to invent the microwave bludgeon. “Now listen. We both know the way this goes. It’s straightforward narrative causality. The two of you get into a slapping match, where neither of you get badly hurt, but this kitchen, house and possibly village gets trashed. Which means I get a great big fucking bill because no insurance company will touch me anymore. And I’m not having another one of those. I’m still paying off for collapsing a Self Absorbtion Universe on a Sorcerer. And let me tell you, you break one little Universe and you’ve got a shit load of God’s complaining about how it has a knock on effect with the property prices on their places. Now you.” I pointed at the Hamster. “Put that fire ball down.” And low and behold, the Fire was lowered.
“You.” I slapped Pete around the back of the head… because I hadn’t done it in a while. “Get that microwave off your hand. You look ridiculous. Now. We are all going to sit around the kitchen table and behave like a bunch of fucking adults, even if in one case we have to pretend.” This, with associate glare of annoyance, was delivered at Humphrey. “Do we all understand Me? I can’t hear you. Speak up.”
A small chorus of ‘yeses’…. ‘yes’s’……. yes’…… oh, however it’s punctuated. They all agreed.
While Pete removed the microwave from his hand and carried the Hamster to the table Clare took me to one side.
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