Evan Sanders's Blog, page 53

It’s Going To Be Hard To Put Into Words

I hardly know where to start in describing everything that has changed throughout this week. It’s going to be hard to put all of this into words. I would usually have written this type of post on Sunday, but seeing that it was a holiday today, I decided to take the day off and extend my weekend. But here I am, sitting in my little red chair outside during a crystal clear night, letting all of this sink in deeply.

“Sundays” have always been a day where I take some time to myself to walk and think about everything that had happened during the week. If anyone ever doubted the amount of introspection involved in my life, they might just need to spend a few hours with me towards the evening on a Sunday. I throw on my shoes, a pair of jeans, a shirt and walk out into the woods letting everything soak into me life a sponge. I let them stir, mull, turn and twist as much as they would like to, because when that alarm goes off the next day, I’m done with that previous week.

It took me a long time to find the balancing point of thinking too much about things vs. passing it all off as “nothing is personal.” In fact, it probably took me 5 years. But I found that spending a week with whatever has happened in my life has given me enough time to process exactly what it means to me and then allows me to let it all go so I can really come back to being in the present moment.

This week however, just went above and beyond in making me consider ways and things that I’ve pondered about before, but never really put into play. But most of all, it rooted me back into an answer to a question that I had a long long time ago in how I was supposed to run my life…and reminded me that leading with your heart and allowing your mind to support what your heart already knows is one of the most worthwhile ways you can live your life.

This week, I did that.

But what’s really hard to put into words is exactly the shifts that took place in me throughout the past 7 days. Sometimes, I feel strange sitting down here and writing about these things because I can’t really provide much context to what is actually going on inside – but can just tell you that things are moving in ways that are pushing me in different directions. There are these currents that run through me – they change with the seasons, the time of day, and with the event – and they are incredibly powerful in what they do. Powerful to the point where I don’t understand what they do…but get more of an impression of why they are doing it.

My own life is a mystery to me. It’s a mystery to the point where I sometimes wonder what others think when they read this story. It’s every shifting…ever changing…ever morphing. There are mountains and there are oceans ever present. When the time calls for it, that wave crashes through me and then I fall densely into the ground as if I was an immovable object stationary for all time. Energies roll through me and come upon me with no sense of anticipation – running through my spine and shooting through my neck sending it into chills and a quick spasm. When I walk at night, I feel more as I listen to those crickets sing and do their dance in unison. I’m coming alive. I’m becoming more and more alive.

As I sit here to write, I often wonder whose eyes on the other end read these words and what emotions run through their veins as something resonates with them.

I wonder about this mystery, the mystery of it all and look up into the sky more and more throwing questions up to the heavens knowing that in time the answer will come back down. I’m letting go.

I’m letting go of the way things should be and making more and more room for what is. I’m seeing. I’m feeling. I’m connecting. The more and more I connect, the more I can show up into situations where I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen…but I know who I am and what is inside of me…what I can offer…who I am…what I am…why I am that way.

For one of the first times ever, I feel like I’m safe…safe while I’m risking it all. That may not make sense, and frankly it didn’t make sense to me for such a long time, but where I’m at now is that I know I’m going to be taken care of in whatever it is that I decide to do with myself…because I know why I’m here. I trust myself and trust in the “more” that is ever there. You see, those answers I was given…they haven’t changed at all. They’ve been waiting for me. They’ve been patiently waiting as I became more and more ready to receive them fully. They never rushed me. They never begged me for more. They just sat there smiling…telling me that everything was alright and that they would be there when the time was right.

It took me a long time to finally hang up the phone and get a move on…but I did.

It’s time for me to do some things that I know in full faith will change my world. It’s time to ride this wave that’s there for me. This week…has been one of the most interesting weeks of my life…but it has also changed my life in many many ways.

I’ve seen around another bend.

-Evan Sanders

Get Busy Being Born

It’s not the moments that present themselves to us that define us, it’s who we are and who we become in those moments that really counts for something.

Down to its core, this life is a constant journey into uncertainty. We believe that we can see into the future and try to create a path for ourselves, but the more we settle into what is going on right now the more we begin to realize that we are living in a constant fog. To some, this fog may be the most frightening thing of all and they will try to control it as much as possible – only to realize that they have trapped themselves in a mental prison of sorts. But for others, they will adventure into the fog boldly and fearlessly with no intention of trying to be the marionette but instead the ever curious journeyman.

It’s from that place that all of the magic of life starts to happen.

When you let go of the way you have it all mapped out in your mind, you open up to the possibilities of what could actually happen. There’s a fine balancing act with this of course, because in some way you do have to have an idea where you are headed or else you’ll never really get anywhere. However, what I’ve found is that this is precisely where dreams and visions come into play. There’s a difference between restricting your life because you are in fear and having a general plan for yourself based off of a dream. These dreams are only given to you in their own unique form, and if you answer the call you will spend your life adventuring down one of the most worthwhile paths of all…walking by faith and not by sight.

It’s in the pursuit of these dreams that you open yourself fully to the possibilities of everything happening, because you are truly walking into the unknown. Sometimes, you’re walking so far into the unknown that you don’t actually have anyone to give you advice on the subject because it has never been done before. That’s terrifying at times…and also exhilarating. What could be more exciting than to be creating a path that has never been traveled down before…even by one? Not much I would venture to say.

We have discovered a great deal about this world and yet there are worlds to be discovered.

Each day we are just scraping up against what is possible for ourselves and for everyone else. It’s up to those who have visions to take on these challenges and to create. They create because that’s what they were put here to do.

Living in fear is an option, but when you have an internal pressure inside of you begging you to take steps forward, that option ends up being something that will either tear you apart or pressure you into becoming a diamond. Either way, the choice is yours.

So what’s it going to be?

What’s the choice going to be?

Answer the calls or leave them alone?

Every single moment you spend not answering that dream of yours, it dies a little bit inside of you. And as the famous Bob Dylan once said, “He not busy being born is busy dying.”

-Evan Sanders

What I Found In The Woods

When I came back to being right here – here – right now, that’s when everything changed.

In all honesty, it was always hard for me to be right here in this moment for a long time. But then I was asked, “What if you gave up all of that stuff…you know, the goals? What if that all just went away? Then what?

I didn’t really know when I was asked – in fact, I tried to argue for the point of ambitions and everything else attached to them. But then I dove into the woods and found myself wonderfully lost in this beautiful place. I had no idea which way to go. I had no idea where I was. I was lost. Perfectly lost. And in that moment, it clicked. In that moment, I connected.

When you spend your entire life living as “it should be” vs. what is really going on here right in this moment, you disconnect. You disconnect from what’s really being said, what’s really in front of you, and more importantly yourself. I’ve done this a lot, and it always tears me apart when I put myself in a box of what I think something should look like. My travels deep into the woods used to be based upon my trying to get to that perfect fishing hole and then I would start my day. But I’ve realized, that the hike through those tall trees to get to that spot is just as important as being in a place where I can throw my line in the water.

Things often shift like sand. Things change without control and get swept by the breeze in the way that’s destined for them. When I was younger, I tried to pour as much concrete into those sands to make them not change. But now, especially now, I sit here and watch these sands move. I watch things change. I witness them move in ways I’ve never seen before or couldn’t have anticipated and I do something very very different than ever before.

I change as well.

Not fundamentally, but I know that I can happily adapt and adjust to what is here right in this moment. This connects me. This roots me so far down into this place that I can’t really describe to you the feeling. Because I’ve let go of what it “should” look like to make room for what is here.

And what really is that? What’s here in my life?

I am one of the luckiest men alive. The amount of incredible people I have in my life literally knocks my socks off every single day. There are people who I care about deeply and in reality, that’s all that really matters to me. Having that, is something that I wanted for myself all those years back – the love, the solid network of support, the people who would go to battle for me – not just me for them. This is a reality of my life. A reality that once was just a budding dream.

But what I understand now better than ever is that you have to allow that dream to change. You have to be willing to let the land of uncertainty…a.k.a the future do its own thing. It has plans for you…but don’t try to constrict it. Once you do, you stop yourself from experiencing just how amazing things could really be. This, and feeling this deeply, is one of the things that I really hope can stick with you as much as it has stuck with me.

Leave it all open.

Leave it open to something far greater than whatever you can concoct in your mind.

Walk by faith and not just by sight.

When you stand there open, honest, and vulnerable in front of the world, you’ll never imagine what can happen to you. Everything is possible from that place. And it’s in this place where I am precisely living tonight. I’m in this place because this afternoon I was reminded while sitting out on the view that I didn’t always show up this way. I wasn’t always willing to speak the naked truth and show up every single day willing to say and do things with my life that might scare many. But I must…because I can. I have to do these things, because I’m capable of it. Trust me, the worst feeling inside of me is when I start cutting myself short of what I know is right. That feeling coming from the depths inside of me has never lied to me…but it has cringed when I decided to tone myself down. I can’t be in that place.

Listening to these crickets roar and watching the stars start to take their seats for the nighttime show has me sitting here smiling. Some might think I’m nuts for smiling, but the truth is, everything is absolutely fine. Nothing is wrong. Everything is exactly the way it should be. I know I’m supposed to be right where I’m at for a good reason. I know that I’m sitting here with a full heart and nothing short of it. So I’m smiling. You might wonder why…but that’s for me.

I like playing some things close to the chest.

And honestly, that’s right where they are at home.

-Evan Sanders

The Old Man At Night

I can’t tell you exactly what it is that happens to me during the night. I’ve never really known myself. But when that sun goes down and the moon goes up, something inside of me awakens. No this isn’t a sinister story of a young man turning werewolf at night…thank the heavens for that. This is a story about me and about something that is shifting inside of me as the tectonic forces of my life continue to move as they do.

When that sun goes down, I feel this density that is hard to explain. Everything during the day feels almost light and sleepy at times, but during the evening, this old soul of mine comes alive. I’ll sit down to write and the words will pour out. I will think about things that are going on in my life and there’s this sense of clarity that I can’t get during the day. I’ll take walks in the dark only lit by the moon and see ways of doing things and paths that I cannot see during the day.

This old man in me understands one thing very well about life that only comes out during the evening.

He understands that in life, for the lucky ones, you can only really see just around the bend to what is possible for yourself. Sometimes that’s a day, a month, or even 10 years down the line. But nonetheless, it’s just around the bend. He understands that there’s a purpose to visions, and that the bend between the vision and where he is at right now is supposed to be full of fog and look like a land of the unknown. Because it is. It’s all unknown. But the thing is, if you can see around that bend, and you see something great, you must take the steps necessary today in complete blind faith to walk through the fog.

Because when you do, you discover whole new pieces of your world that you didn’t know existed before. Who really knows how it’s going to pan out when you do, but you get to see whatever is new about this place and that’s the payoff. You get experience. You get to see what is going on much more clearly.

This “bend” that I’m talking about can bring up so many things. But it only requests of you one thing to understand what it will yield – faith. You can’t know everything that’s going to happen. You can’t even being to comprehend what may come up during this time. But that’s the nature of the bend. This bend brings up all sorts of things – anxiety, fear, doubt, worry… but excitement comes with all of that.

I’ve been told since I was a little boy that life works on a very colorful scale – there’s hardly ever just black or white.

I really do believe this is true. Everything mixes up and smears itself across the canvas of life. But the most important thing I’ve ever been taught is that you will always be in a place of fear when you are coming up on your boundaries of whatever has been possible for you before. Fear will exist. It will grip you tight and make you panic at times. I always used to ask…”But what do you do when that happens?” Kiddo…you have to be just a little bit more excited of what is possible and what can happen that’s so great in your life than however much fear is inside of you. Sometimes it’s not going to be all that much more…but if you maintain just a little bit more excitement than fear, you’ll make mountains move.

During my late-night walk yesterday, I reminded myself of this. In fact, it’s very rare where I won’t have full blown conversations with myself in complete silence on these walks. That internal voice…not the critic but that inner voice…kept saying to me “Yes.” Yes kiddo…you’re tipping that scale the way it should be. Yes kiddo…you’re a different man than you used to be.

Over these past few days, a little bit of turmoil in me packed up its bags and left me this afternoon. Then, everything just settled. I settled into a smile. I settled into something a little bit deeper than anything I had expected. What I settled into was this.

All those years back when I lost myself, I rediscovered everything I was looking for when I made a decision about how I was going to show up in this world. I knew it was time to make changes, had absolutely no idea what that really meant…but I knew that I could start walking on a path and pave it as I was going along. That was 5 years ago – the biggest decision I’ve ever made in my life thus far came out of seeing something just around the bend and trusting the fact that I knew it was a good thing. It was rooted in deep love for myself and wanting to build something in my life that didn’t really exist at all at that time.

Sure I’ve had my fair share of incredible challenges along the way, but the past 5 years of writing has taught me much more about what it means to be a man in this world…but better yet, what it means to be a great person. My heart melted and what came out of that was a flaming passion that ignited the dreams of those around me. My anger started to wash away and what came out was a compassion and flexibility to meet others where they were at and care about them no matter what. My pain was finally heard when I allowed myself to heal old wounds that tore up my presence and took me completely out of being alive…I awakened. But most of all…I showed up as a person who belonged in this world, as someone who was good enough for myself…and had the ability to earn the love and respect of others not because of what I said…but because of what I was doing in my life and how I made them feel.

Every single day I fall deeper and deeper into this journey of mine. Some days I’m incredibly scared…but I always move forward. I always try to make a step…just one step. Yes, I get frustrated when I can’t make as many steps as I would like, but I know I have to slow myself down sometimes to really appreciate the small wins. There have been a few of those small wins lately, but the big win for me today came when I smiled as I sat down to write in my Moleskin and said…

You’re throwing with a purpose again.

Bottom of the 9th.

2 outs. 2 men on base. The count is 3-2. Sanders on the mound. What a game it has been. It all comes down to this.

Breathe kid…breathe.

You have two options Evan.

You either get back up on that mound and you throw your absolute best pitch with every ounce of conviction in you.

Or you get back up there and throw scared….and you know what happens when you throw scared. You get demolished.

So what’s it going to be?

Trust your gut…or play it safe?

‘I know what to do.’

60ft 6in…here it comes!

Game over.

Maybe I’m not playing in between the lines anymore…but I’m playing in a much bigger game. This one happens every single day. For a long time in my life I was pitching scared because I was playing to not-lose. But now, I’m playing to win. I’ve got nothing to lose. Fearless.

There will be times where I will have to make adjustments and change my game plan…but that’s what any great pitcher does…he shifts to what works and moves away from what isn’t working. He never focuses on the negative or the last pitch because he knows he can’t do anything about it. But the best pitchers are fearless in  their pursuit of understanding how they can throw their best game. They will throw all of their pitches. They will try to hit as many spots in the zone and will challenge hitters. It’s only when they actually understand what the playing field is like that day because of experiencing it that they can start to create their plan. That’s where the good are separated from the great.

So I’m going to continue doing that.

My best stuff.

My best pitch.

Day after day.

Not playing to not-lose.

But playing to win. Because I’ve got everything to gain and nothing to lose. So I might as well go out there and play this game without fear and dare as much as I can. I only know where to make adjustments when I do this. So…

Mow em’ down kid.

-Evan Sanders

The Black Wolf At The Helm

It’s been months since the day he lit the match and watched it all burn down. Months since he left the safety of that harbor. He knew he would never forget that anxiety in his stomach as he was leaving that place – that place that had made him into what he was – exiting on the journey of a lifetime. He saw a different way and trusted himself to go. He saw the man he could be and scorched the earth of what had kept him safe all those years.

Even though he traveled through new waters, saw new lands, and experienced new things, from time to time his stomach felt that all to familiar feeling of desiring that safety. But every time it appears, he remembers yelling at the top of his lungs to his crew “no more old ways! no more old ways!” He remembers the look on their faces when the city behind burned down to the ground – the flickers of flames in their eyes.

He never looked back though.

He would never look back again.

In truth, it was fear that held a steady grip on him most of his days, but it was fearlessness that caused him to act. He wasn’t immortal. He wasn’t perfect. He was just a man. A man looking to leave the old and usher in a new world for himself, one that he had seen time and time again in his dreams. A man looking to stand for something greater than himself. But just a man.

That fear…that black wolf of fear seething and dripping at the teeth chased him endlessly. It nipped at his hands and heels when he remembered that safe place. It fed upon his doubts and worries. It ravaged his heart when he fell scared to its howl. It was only when he turned and faced that black wolf did he ever see it for what it actually was. And though his hands trembled, he got down to the beasts level and stared it straight into its eyes.

My old friend, I will not die with regret in this heart.

You can temporarily abuse this flesh and mind of mine, but you will never take me whole. You will never swallow me into the black as I requested upon you all those years ago. No…I remember that time all too well. You will not take me. You will not have me.

He brushed his hand smoothly across the side of the wolf’s face and turned back to the helm. His hands gripped the wood wheel with vigor and squeezed the handles.

I will not die an un-lived life.

I refuse.

What I have seen in this mind and what I have felt in this heart I know are possible. The dreams I have seen can be as real as day. They are real. This fear is real, but outweighed by fearlessness. This black wolf that follows me will never yield, but this faith in me shall always keep it one step behind.

Onward we go.

Farther into the unknown.

Onward we go.

No regrets.

Fearless.

Living.

-Evan Sanders

& Let The Chips Fall Where They May

I’ve tried to sit down and write this post about 6 times and every single time I’ve deleted everything and started over. I’m having a hard time finding the words right now and I’m not exactly sure where I’m going to go with all of this tonight. Maybe I’ll just start here…

“Reveal everything there is to know about yourself and let the chips fall where they may.” – Meet Joe Black

I didn’t sleep much last night.

I found myself sitting out in the middle of my driveway in my sweats at 2am looking up at the moon and stars trying to understand what was going on with me. Honestly, I still can’t even tell you. Nothing much has changed there. I felt this pit in my stomach that I couldn’t get a grip on and a constant rush of goosebumps heading up my spine. I just sat there, still, for an hour.

My dad told me a story a while back where he was talking to me about starting businesses and what it really took mentally to get through all of it. He told me that usually there was a 5-10% chance of it working and everyone on the outside saw it as a 90% chance of failure. He goes…but when you’re in it, you believe 100% that it’s going to work, because if you live in fear of it not working, you’re most certainly going to fail. Everyone wouldn’t be surprised if you failed…but if you battle through it and win, it would be one hell of a memorable story.

Where does this all land me tonight?

Love things as they are, not as you would like them to be. My challenges are fluorescent and shining straight in my face right now. I’m feeling them deeply. I’m really feeling them.

But here’s what I know.

This life of mine…I’m all in. No matter the circumstance, the situation, the challenge, the up, the down, the good, the bad, the ugly…I want to be there. I want all of it. I want everything that it has to offer me and if it brings me up in the air and then knocks me flat down on my ass then so be it. I’m going to love every last piece of it even though some pieces are a whole lot harder to handle than others. But that’s how it’s supposed to be right? Not all cake and flowers. Sometimes I wish…but then I think back to all that I’ve ever learned and understand the importance of these moments.

Here’s what else I know.

I’m going to give this what I have while daring greatly. I know what it’s like to play it safe, and you can still be pretty good doing that. But to risk? That’s where the good stuff is. That’s where the magic is. Because honestly, there are a million reasons why something won’t work, but maybe, just maybe, you can find the one reason why it will. Most of the time, that one reason, is more than enough. It’s what can keep that magic alive no matter what comes your way.

A long time ago I lost faith in myself to create that magic.

But now, no matter what, I know that I have it back. It’s like lightning in a bottle and it sure as hell scares me to death when I open that cap but I’m always in awe of what happens when I actually really go for it. There’s plenty of fear in this heart…but I live with that and do it anyways. There’s plenty of doubt and worry and pain…but I’m the captain of this ship.

All of these pieces of me, these pieces that have defined my entire life up until this point are part of me. Some moments have been harder than others to be a part of, but I’m proud of the fact that I’m here now.

What I’m even more proud of though, is that despite anything that has ever gone down in my life…the gigantic chaotic mess that presented itself time and time again…I only love harder. I stopped running from stress and fear and ran straight into them. It was only from this place where I figured out that this 5-year-old hard-headed stubborn as hell young boy got it all right. He was fearless. He explored the unknown world of his backyard with his hero sidekick dog and conquered whatever villains an monsters came his way. He never retreated. He only stood his ground.

So here I am.

I had no words at the start of this tonight. I had nothing. The entire day I’ve lost that little quickness in my step. But tonight, even as things change, they stay the same. I’m here. These feelings inside..the ones that have brought me to this place and the ones that I have for those who matter in my life, they haven’t changed. Despite any other circumstance that may try to influence that…they will always stay the same. Because what I have inside…that lightning…I know that it’s magic.

And when I know, I know.

– Evan Sanders

The Magic Of Things

It’s been said that the greats of our time were able to see around the corner to the next big thing.

For me, sitting her tonight listening to the crickets go wild as summer comes to a close, I’m in a very grateful place. This gratitude hasn’t come because of simply a few things coming together by chance. Instead, it has been a long time coming because of some faith that I had in myself that things would work out for the better. Too often in my life I haven’t acknowledged that the moment I am in currently is the result of the faith that I had months to sometimes years back, so this is my effort to acknowledge that moment. Honestly, I just want to give a little smile and a nod to that man who believed in himself enough, despite any amount of turmoil that was going on in his life, to go for it no matter what.

When you know, you know.

There are a lot of good things in my life right now. But if I’ve learned anything over these past 6 months, I’ve learned to tap into something that has been evoked in me more than anything else…

I will love you fearlessly.

Maybe someone out there will be able to relate to what I’m about to say about this – I’ve usually found out that this was the case. The amount of internal pressure that builds up inside of me when I am not fearlessly loving is, for lack of more elegant words, intense. My mom and dad have told me that ever since I was little, I have been intense about most things in my life. I fiercely attack my goals and love others with an intensity that has taught me some pretty interesting things throughout the years. I’ve always been told by those around me that it takes a certain type of person to really be able to handle me and accept that love. Whenever things didn’t work out for me in the past, I’ve blamed myself. I tried to tone things down or hold things back…which always created a horrible imbalance inside of me. Or, because I hadn’t matured yet enough yet as a man, this intensity would be handled without grace or skill on my end.

What I’ve learned throughout the years of doing this though and diving into my life day after day is that this intensity can be focused and harnessed to make it just that much more powerful and effective. Before, I used to leak my own personal power because my life was like an uncontrolled lightning storm. I would just strike at whatever and eventually burn myself out. But recently, when I’m doing my practices and taking care of myself, I can generate one big bolt of energy when I need it and more importantly, have it be a sustained burn instead of a quick strike.

But I have to take care of myself…and even more, I have to love fearlessly.

The things that stop me from moving forward are typically never external circumstances, but rather misguided energy from within. I will lose focus, leak energy, or let the internal critic of judgement and speculation run rampant in my mind. When that critic gets going, it’s harsh. It’s very harsh. It’s something that I work with constantly but I’ve realized that as my capacities to encourage others and connect with their hearts deeper and deeper has grown…this critic when it sounds of gets worse and worse. In truth, the things that it says to me are so beyond harsh and cruel that it takes me a few minutes to really gather myself back and make a decision to move forward.

The choice that I have to make consistently is to live in a land of fear, speculation, anxiety, doubt, worry…or to live in a land of fearless loving. While I know 100 times out of 100 that I would rather live in a place of fearless loving, sometimes that critical voice is so draining at moments that it can bring me down a few pegs. This is my effort to acknowledge that this voice is there…it is loud…and I do work with it so I can continue to make better choices with how I want to move forward with my life.

Over the course of thousands of days of writing, it’s interesting for me to see those words fearless loving come out onto the page. I’ve had a multitude of words that have made their importance prominent in my life – love, passion, never quit, integrity – and each of them have had a massive purpose behind them. I’ve learned these lessons though the worst of the worst and came out a better person because of everything that happened. But there’s something different about knowing that it really has whittled down to those two words after 5 years of doing this…

Fearless loving.

If you can love others, yourself, your environment, your body, and your entire life fearlessly…I mean what couldn’t you do?

You would be able to stand for other peoples greatness day after day. You could stretch yourself and challenge your boundaries. You could help other people create this exact same story for themselves. You could say to the people you love and care about exactly what is in your heart. You could be vulnerable. You could be intentional and strong in deed. You could inspire the world.

But you would have to commit.

You would have to deeply commit to this fearlessness that would scare many away but attract those who needed it the most. My greatest fear that I’ve always had to end up with was that I was going to end up alone. As an enthusiast about life, that’s where my greatest challenge is. The fear of not belonging and being alone. I can tell you though, because I’ve lived though that place before – of not belonging – living in that place of your deepest fear, if it’s actually happening to you…it lacks one huge thing that could change your whole life.

Your decision to live in a different way.

You don’t have to spend your entire life living as a victim of circumstance. I understand all too well that there are some thins that happen in life that really do happen to you and that they are beyond horrible. I know this very well. There is not a single piece of my heart that isn’t deeply touched by a person across from me telling me their deepest darkest secret and how it influenced their life. I will love you through that. I will be there for you every single step of the way while you are in it and coming out of it.

But I will also fearlessly love you.

Because that’s my gift, my calling, and why I am here. I will help you paint an entirely new story for yourself if you are willing to hold my hand and find out what that could be like for you. Why can I do that? Be there through it all?

A dot on the line of life just connected in my head just now.

I can do that, because people have left me time and time and time again. They’ve bailed on me, lied to me, taken advantage of me, broken my heart, betrayed me, and everything else in the book. And what did I get from all of that? I realized that because all of that happened to me…I could be peoples rock…the most solid and uncompromising thing in their life…and that I was willing to go through hell and high water with them because I was standing for them and what’s possible for their life. I’ve learned to walk away from those who abuse my love…but if you don’t abuse it, I could love you in such a way that you would never doubt that I am there, right behind you, supporting you, and willing to go to battle for you if you needed me.

When I’m being that man…I’m fearlessly loving.

When I’m being that man…I’m me.

-Evan Sanders

Interest Vs. Commitment

“There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it’s convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.” Kenneth Blanchard

Let’s get into this today.

Interested in what life coaching could do for you? If you’re in a place where you are stuck or finding yourself wanting more for yourself but not sure of which way to go, let’s talk. All you have to do is email me at aykmecoaching@gmail.com and we will set up a time to chat and see if we are a good fit to work with each other. No catch. No obligations. I’m here to help you change your life. So don’t wait another minute and email me. Take the leap.

If you’re ready to commit to coaching on the other hand, check out the options below.

For 1-on-1 phone or Skype coaching click here: http://btrman.me/1Hy93h1

For fully customized 3 – 6 month coaching programs click here: http://btrman.me/1JkS2ET

To purchase my recently published book “Two Wolves” click here: http://btrman.me/1CKn7oE

Climb, Young Man Climb

There are some mornings I wake up and feel like something has changed in the night. I love that feeling. I love that feeling of connection with whatever it is. When I get to that place, I know that good things are coming my way. I know that things are settling. Grounding. Deepening.

There are times when the ocean roars inside of me and times when that mountain sits there completely unaffected. Both of these things are powerful in their own way, but the shifting and changing of this ocean is always a little bit more to handle. It just occurred to me that the reason why, or at least this is my best guess, I love the winter months so much is that there is this stillness, emptiness, and serenity because of the snow covering the mountains. That chill runs up my spine and I feel this heaviness and density that I can’t entirely access when it’s summer. Things are much more still, quiet, asleep, slow…and this is why my moods change. This is why I love these upcoming months so much. When I enter into this place, everything focuses deep down into another layer and I am completely here. 

Climb, young man climb.

There are journeys, adventures, risks, and decisions to be made in front of me. There are things to be done, words to be written, and a continued effort to continue diving within. What shifted last night physically brought me down from my solar plexus into my pelvis. The weight dropped. When the weight dropped, so grounded and rooted farther into the earth.

It’s a strange feeling going through all of these things because it’s relatively new for me that I actually have begun to understand (somewhat) what is actually going on with me when it happens. There’s a different level of awareness that I never really had access to until I had a few people open that world up to me.

What I find even more interesting though is that some of the visions I had about the future, which always seemed to have a missing element to them, have reconstructed themselves and that element has been added in. What I was seeking, I’ve found. And with what I found, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s right. The battle for me has never been trusting my instincts. The battle for me is overthinking a situation and letting that get in the way of my instincts.

After last night and the post I wrote, Safe Makes You Good, Chances Make You Great I knew that I had been in this place of thinking, and while my brain has supported me time and time again, I make my decisions at the end of the day from my heart. I make decisions based off of what I know is right deep inside vs. what logically makes sense. That doesn’t mean that I ignore what my mind is telling me – there’s a lot of intuition that rides in there as well – but I know that I start getting into trouble when I let my mind talk me out of doing things instead of supporting me in my efforts.

It’s not the good voice usually that talks me out of doing things, it’s usually the internal critic that throws judgements, potatoes, tomatoes, and all sorts of rotten fruit at me when I am making decisions about where to head with my life. That internal critic…honestly, would outweigh any amount of criticism or judgement that anyone else could throw at me. It’s hard on me. It’s brutal. It knows exactly what to say and how to say it. It ran the show for a long long time…but when I started finding that inner wisdom…I got to make a choice with what I wanted to do with my life. I stopped living as a human stress reaction.

I said last night that I felt like a massive page just turned over in my life. Who knows in my imagination how big these pages are for this to happen, but I have to say it seems like they are huge. This morning felt different. This morning, I am ready. This morning “I got this.”

-Evan Sanders

Safe Makes You Good, Chances Make You Great

I remember watching it all happen. I was in the dugout as a junior, we were playing one of the best teams in the league, the lead was slipping away from us, top of the 8th, and the walks started coming. Our pitcher was losing gas and we were losing some serious momentum in the game.

I was nervous, not because the lead was slipping away from us, but because I knew that I was going to be called in to go next.

Sure enough, “Sanders, go warmup.”

I threw my jacket off and ran down to the bullpen with my catcher. 3 pitches into my warmup I got the call to go into the game. Good lord I only got three pitches in. Even though my heart was pounding because of the pressure I wanted the ball. My coach looks at me and goes “Don’t worry you’ll have these next 8 to get it going.” 11 pitches…not exactly what you would call a thorough warmup.

I’ll never forget this moment. The crowd was buzzing with anticipation and the opposing team was screaming everything they possibly could at me to get into my head. They were trying to tear me up but as the stadium got louder my mind got quieter and quieter.

I stepped off the mound, talked to my catcher for a second and when I was ready to commit to the game plan, I made my move back up to the rubber. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Three pitches, out of the inning.

Elated.

‘Okay, you’ve got the 9th to pitch as well and their best hitters are coming up…stay focused.’

I don’t remember the exact details of what happened here, but all I know is that I ended up with a guy on first, two outs, up by one run and their best hitter – arguably one of the best in the league was coming up. We battled against each other and drove the thing into a 3-2 count. There were a few foul balls and this is where my memory really comes back into crystal clear replay.

I took a walk around the mound, looked out into the outfield, and searched within myself for that little something extra. ‘You’ve got this.’ I walked back up on the mound, up on top of the rubber…looked at the catchers sign, shook off an off speed pitch, and went straight to a fastball.

I was ready.

I was ready to challenge him with my best.

‘My best vs. your best. Let’s go.’

The windup, the pitch.

Crack.

Straight to my second baseman.

Game over.

It has been a long time since I’ve stepped on the mound, but that moment will always stay with me. That moment meant a whole lot more to me than just helping win a game for my team. That moment to me means this…

Safe makes you good, but chances make you great.

My best vs. your best. Why was I able to do that? Why does this moment stick with me so much out of all of the moments I had playing sports?

In that moment, I called on something in myself much deeper than confidence. In that moment, I knew I was prepared for anything and was willing to take a massive chance on riding on my best stuff and to put it up against his best stuff. There was no fear there. There was no questioning the outcome. There was only…’This is the best I have. If you get a hit, you beat me when I was at my best.’

We call those “cap-tipping” moments as pitchers. You tip your cap to the opposing player because he legitimately beat you on that one. No worries, you will come back and own him the next time.

Why am I talking about this today?

This past 6 months has been the most transformational period of my life. Things have been developing, shifting, shaping, and changing all at 100 miles an hour and it’s been one hell of a ride. But what I can tell you is that going through this really hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world. It’s been hard to slow everything down to a point of complete clarity at times. Thank god for meditation. What made it challenging though is that I’ve had to openly go into places I really didn’t want to go before. I’ve had to crawl through the mud and open my life to experiencing the power of dark energy. Whenever you go into a new place, you don’t know the surroundings and you are unsure of what to do. So for a little while there, you are going to be overwhelmed by what is so new.

But out of this place, because I stuck with it, I found something that had been lost for a long long time. I not only found my “why”…but I rediscovered my “know.”

That “I know this is the absolute right thing for me” drifted because of the consequences of various life events that drove me down into the ground. I didn’t lose pieces of myself in those moments, but I lost connection with them. That connection and ability to “reach for something more” inside…for some reason it just seemed to not be there. I remember trying to come back from injury and having absolutely no trust in my arm that it would do that it was supposed to do. That was a really hard thing for me to stomach.

The one thing I had been doing all of my life, not even thinking about it just doing it, started to have a system failure.

My life lives outside the lines of a baseball field now, but in reality, I still have to get back on the field every single day. While I may not be throwing in the game anymore, it’s a different type of game now. This is the game of life, and for a long time I was off the field of play because I didn’t feel like I was ready to jump back out there again.

The thought of not being able to trust my stuff due to a body that fell apart and a slew of self-sabotaging actions after baseball ended undermined my ability to reach inside and say ‘I got this.’

But still, why am I bringing all of this up? 1000 words into this post and where’s the point?

The point is this.

You can either play it safe your entire life or you can take big risks and big chances to see what is actually possible for yourself. You can come back from injury, physical, emotional, relational, do the work/rehab it takes to be stronger than you were before and start playing on the field of life again. You can start going after your goals even though you have failed time and time again. You can change your entire life if you really want to. You can earn it all back and more and once again find that thing deep inside of you that allows you to say ‘I got this’ in a life of complete uncertainty. Either let the future scare the shit out of you or bring yourself back to being in this moment and rock the socks off of today. That’s your choice. You can function at a specific level that will allow you to do things in life all while being safe, or you can put your heart and soul on the line and do what scares you.

The first quote I ever posted on The Better Man Project was this…

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Almost 5 years later, while everything has changed, things are still the same.

My life is laid out in black in over thousands and thousands of pages and there have been a few moments which I ended up calling “Life Events” in my books. Today, is one of those events because today I’m making a choice. Today I’m making the choice to take my first steps in breaking free from some old habits…and to break back into that place where that deep inner wisdom is stored. It’s there…I’ve had moment after moment with it for a little while now. But it’s asking me for something more.

It’s asking me to stop and look fear in the face.

It’s asking me to have the courage to act anyways.

-Evan Sanders