Evan Sanders's Blog, page 32

Kid Dreamer

Don’t worry, I’ve got you. Come along.

It’s the kid version of me that I care so dearly for. While I’ve grown up in many ways, I find myself heading back to him, the overly adventurous and mischievous kid who’s imagination ran wild in as many ways as it could.

That kid is fiercely adventurous.

Falling in love with the trees and climbing deep into their arms.

No boundaries.

No limits.

No sense of time.

Many many years later, I would come across meeting him again as I fell into the depths. I saw him, that bold and adventurous soul, and he said words to me that I would never forget. He spoke truth into me. Then, when he saw that I had been touched by the message, he ran off again into the woods.

It has been fear that has caused be to pause at the gates of those deep woods.

Was it fear of what I would discover? Guilt holding me back? It might take a lifetime to know. In fact, trying to understand all of the intricacies and layers to “why” might be a good exercise but not the wisest use of my time. There’s only the end message that really matters.

Go.

Find your way when you get there. Step into those trees. 

There’s nothing to fear just the world that’s waiting to embrace you. 

I think I’ve protected myself for such a long time I didn’t want to put myself in the hands of something else. If I let go of that control, something terrible might happen. And yet, as I’ve gone farther and farther into all of this I understand now more than ever that I have to let go of that. I have step into the ultimate space of belief and trust that I am being taken care of.

This is something that really hasn’t been easy for me.

Trust.

But there’s a great calling for it isn’t there?

To open up to the possibility of something more beyond what I can control. I speak these words into the hearts of others and yet I even have my own journey to take farther and farther into a sense of meaning. This trip isn’t one of seeing places. I’ve realized that I had it all wrong when I was going about it the first time. This trip is about discovering the way these places open me up. It’s about how they make me feel. It’s about seeing life as art and having these canvases to paint on.

For a great deal of time I would come here to write in an expression of that art. As happy or as painful as it may have been at times, it would come out in its own form of expression. Stopping that process stopped the journey. That, I can see very clearly now.

I never have looked at any of this as having to reach a goal. Writing to me has always been something that has soothed my soul and allowed me to discover more of who I really am. Even when there was no one watching, I felt that the process had so much to value that I would do it for as long as I could. Now, I can see how much that touches the lives of others and of how much importance it really all is.

But it all starts here.

The pouring out of words onto the page and the realizations that pop up in my head while engaging in all of this. This is where it begins. Because without this, I lose my way more than ever.

But with it, I am found again.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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“Come Back, Come Back” & The Whispers Of Being Lost

In a heartbeat, you can look up and find yourself quite lost.

You don’t know how you really got yourself there…

But you’ve certainly arrived and there’s that perplexing feeling that even if you looked back to examine all of the events that led up to this moment they still wouldn’t describe how you actually came to it.

It’s safe to say that I’ve arrived there quite often recently.

In a way, I’ve felt lost for some time.

There are moments, flashes of lightning where I feel it come together and then I lose it again. It can be maddening. Pieces of this coincide with the events of people in my life. While I have a wonderful life I’ve also had a rough go at it in many ways with people who I’ve deeply cared about and that has struck the depths of me harder than the strongest earthquake.

So I stand there shaken to my core and the compass thrown off wondering which way to go neck.

Truth is, there are so many ways I could go. But I know that I have to go “some way” soon or else risk getting stuck. I can’t get stuck. I really can’t.

I’ve ended up far in left field seeing many paths to go and a bit nervous about which will take me where. This insecurity picks at me when I let it start planting fields of weeds in my mind. I believe that for some time now I’ve suffered from the heavy hand of doubt as it has crept in and made work of battering some of my hopes and dreams.

The hardest part is having allowed the space to do its work.

Adventure.

Adventure continues to breath into my soul. The last time I went off I couldn’t have anticipated the shock I felt as I walked through the streets of Florence by myself. I felt like I was in a different world completely. In reality, I didn’t actually know what to do with it. I was almost paralyzed by that much personal freedom. At times I was scared to move.

Despite being uncomfortable, I felt like I was cracking open. The situation and the journey was forcing me to change into something I knew I could be. I was becoming more. I was changing for good.

Everything that has happened as of late has led me down a road in reflecting upon what got me to this place. I’ve been asking, “Why do you feel so lost?” Part of the answer that I’ve come up with, and having a week to think on this when sick helped, is that I’ve lost my own personal sense of roots. I’ve strayed far away from writing here and that has left me feeling like the personal journey I’ve vowed to take within has stopped as well.

There’s lifetimes more to discover and learn and it’s time for me to pick up the pen again.

It’s time to me to dive farther and farther within and come to a peaceful place where I can decide where to go next. Because here, while enjoyable at times, is a manifestation of being in the mud.

But with new ground under my feet, I can start again. I can create again. I can explore again and take that lost feeling and turn it into something. This lost is a feeling of being disconnected with self. The type of lost of standing in front of a beautiful ancient building you’ve never seen before is one of being almost at home. 

I remember in Florence I had said that my soul had been there for a thousand years and it was only a matter of time until my body caught up the rest of me.

I have a feeling I will be getting that in many different ways in other places.

I write this tonight not as a man who is impenetrable to fear, doubt, worry and the clawing fingers of anxiety. But rather as someone who is doing their best to cast these darker shades out into the light to set myself free from their clutches.

It comes as no surprise to me that as I paint these white pages with ink the expression becomes an act of catharsis in itself.

The suffering subsides.

The room lightens.

The breath returns back deep into my stomach.

It’s my deepest intention to renew my love for this place, the blog that holds so much of me and start my writing again. I’ve been gone for too long now. I must come back.

-Evan Sanders

The post “Come Back, Come Back” & The Whispers Of Being Lost appeared first on The Better Man Project.

I’m Not Ready For This And That’s Actually The Point

I’m actually not ready.

But that’s the point.

I’m not ready in the traditional way that you would come to a place in time and go, “Okay I think it’s time to do this because I feel good about what’s going to come.”

Truth is, there’s a sense of anxiety there about the adventure that’s right in front of me.

How could you ever be ready for something like this?

What I’ve discovered in the weeks of past in sitting with this is that everything for me relates back to this moment of when I first went fishing on my own in high school.

For my entire life, I had been going fishing with company and we would always stop at a specific spot, and then fish back down river from there. I had always asked myself, “I wonder what’s farther up that way?” but never had the opportunity to just keep going and going into the wilderness.

One evening, I decided to wake up in the early morning and head out on my own.

My intention? Go as far as I could and see what was out there.

I remember bounding through the forest and scattering up the big granite rocks always looking for what was right around the corner. The thrill of this adventure lit me up inside. There was this energy. There was this electricity running through my veins.

It dawned on me as I looked back throughout my life, I had always been fascinated with traveling “off trail.”

I wanted to go to the places no one else had been.

Those places felt sacred to me. Untouched. In a way, I felt like I could honor those spots and leave an energy behind that other people could potentially feel.

But back to fishing.

I finally came across “The Spot” as it would instantly be called – a perfect waterfall funneling down into a vast deep pool full of massive native brown and rainbow trout.

I spent the next few hours fishing in complete isolation.

I was alive.

I was totally connected.

No talking.

No sounds but nature doing what it has been doing for billions of years on its very own.

Just me, the water, my pole, and the fish looming in the water in search of dinner.

I realized when I came back to this moment that my journey was going to follow the steps of a few that have paved the way for me (similar to that initial trail that I would follow fishing) and yet there would come a point when I would have to leave all of that behind and go on my own adventure off trail.

But to get to that place, I had to walk those steps first.

I couldn’t jump to that moment where I was completely past where other people had been.

I realized that I had to learn to appreciate the steps others had taken to get them to where they eventually were. And despite my inner child not being incredibly happy about that, I’ve learned to appreciate that fact.

But there’s one journey that’s completely on my own and that’s the journey I am taking within.

There are no previous steps taken there…only the footsteps that I decide to leave in the sand.

That’s for me and for me alone.

I realize now that my paralysis in moving forward despite the whispers of my intuition was due to wanting to be in a place I hadn’t quite earned yet for myself.

I wanted to take 10 steps before I took 1.

I wanted to be farther along and I lost sight of appreciating where I was.

That external pressure of narrative can really get to me sometimes.

But the internal pressure of my intuition tells me to dive farther into where I am now and start to discover what’s there.

I know without a doubt in my heart that I can continue on after this brief intermission.

Sometimes, you have to get lost to be found.

-Evan Sanders

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It Was Never About Trying To Fit In

It was never about trying to fit in when I started.

But I knew that life. I knew what it felt like to be outcasted and not a part of the community.

You feel completely alone. Separated. Out of touch.

Less than. 

As I think more and more about it, and discover the reasons for why I do what I am doing, there’s a piece of all of this that wanted to touch the lives of those who are going through and have gone through what I did. I wanted to take away that suffering. Or, if I couldn’t take it away for them, at least sooth their soul in having them realize that they weren’t alone and this was a place where they would go and feel understood.

I relate to those who have been pushed and shoved.

I relate to those who feel alone.

Because I’ve been there. And, if I’m being completely honest with you, I’m there a lot.

But it’s a different type of a silence. The silence is the type of silence you would hear when you’re walking through the woods deep off trail. The only sounds are those not made by man. My head shuts off in that place and my heart begins to whisper.

In that place, I truly hear.

There have been many strange pieces to this journey that has landed me in 2017.

There have been twists and turns, great failures, falling hard a few times and climbing back up, and successes that will forever mark my soul.

And as this year begins, I look to the opportunity to discover more and more about myself. I look for the moments of fear that I can step into. I look to the moments of growth that will come as a result of completely unexpected things that come along my path.

That’s part of the excitement.

That’s part of the fear.

You can spend your entire life pulled off the road.

You can spend it worrying about what’s going to happen…what could happen…what might happen because it happened in the past…

You can play in between the lines that have been created, walk the path that everyone else is walking, and never really take a risk.

That’s okay.

You can do life that way and you can lead a happy life. There’s nothing wrong with it at all. It is certainly one way of doing things and I have respect for that.

But that’s not where my heart lives.

My heart lives in the place of grand adventure, risk, failure, and rising back up to climb the mountain time and time again. That’s where I am the happiest. That’s where I have life breathing into me.

No safety nets.

Going for it.

And if I get hurt?

Well, I will recover and learn.

And jump right back on to go for it again.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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Something Feels Like It’s Just About To Click

There have been moments throughout my life that have been very tricky.

But the trickiest of all seem to be in regards to making a decision, a final decision, about which way to go.

I’ve struggled at times to make these decisions, not because I don’t have a gut sense of which route to take, but because for a few moments there, I really don’t want to change.

I don’t want everything to shift because I like where I am.

But there’s always that whisper in my gut telling me there’s more for me.

It can get exhausting at times. It can get exhausting knowing that if I take that path, there will be many more challenges, more energy to put out there in the world and a whole lot more unknowns to conquer. Sometimes pieces of me really want to stay put and do nothing.

Sometimes that feeling gets so strong that I shut down making any decisions about which way to go altogether.

I stop going. 

And just stop.

I find these moments tricky because there are multiple pieces of me shifting around.

And in the end, I know that I have to keep moving forward. I know that if I stay pulled off the road for too long that it will be a different problem in of itself. That’s the nature of all of this – trusting those gut instincts and moving forward despite the parts of you that are unwilling.

Those parts will always be with me.

I really believe that.

But as time goes on, I know that I am developing a better relationship with myself, being a hell of a lot gentler, and looking into my heart to understand what this all is really about for me.

One of the things I hear people say a lot (which I never really think about) is “you’re so young at just 27.” I guess I never really felt that way. I never really felt young at heart…but in a way rather old.

Old in the sense that my soul has been here many many times before and I feel like my younger body and mind are back to discover what my heart already knows to be true.

This this great calling right now within me for more self-discovery and learning.

I want to dive farther and farther into this world and understand what really makes it tick. When I was traveling for the first 4 months, I discovered that people everywhere really are fundamentally the same. They may speak different languages, have different cultures, but when it really gets down to it, we are just like one another.

This actually made me feel incredibly connected in one way.

And when I experienced that same feeling of disconnect from those who had bad energy, I realized it to be even more true.

I’m asking a pretty deep question these days.

“Why am I here?”

That sense of purpose – to love and to be an expression of it – is clear to me.

That bubbled up to the surface about a year+ ago.

But I’m finding the answer to that question I posed above.

Something feels like it’s about to click for me.

And then the wave will crest and I will be off.

I have no idea what it is but I can feel it building.

I can feel the tension.

I can feel the pressure.

Maybe all of this happening right now is me moving up to the perfect part of the wave so I can take off…

And ride this thing all the way into the beach.

-Evan Sanders

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Melting Into Trust

Trust.

Melting into trust.

That’s been my greatest challenge for a long time. I’ve struggled with letting go of the grip I had on life because I was frightened of what could happen. Walls flew up for many reasons. I protected myself against all things that could possibly wound me (unsuccessfully) and raged against everything that created emotional waves in me.

But I was a tornado.

Out of control.

Unable to reel in the waves crashing on the shores of my heart.

Panicked.

Stressed.

A permanent avalanche.

The trust part is interesting for me. It’s been such a hard lesson for me to really learn because there is that deeply rooted need to protect myself deep down. But as I’ve fallen more and more into a state of vulnerability and what that really means for me, I realize that staying as open as possible actually gives me the richest experience in life.

That’s tricky at times because there really are things that hurt me badly.

There are events and situations that come up that rock me down to my core and instinctively I want to close up. I want to close up and hide from the world at times. I have no shame in saying that. Sometimes I just feel like I need to breathe and get away from everyone and everything.

Sometimes I just want to hear myself think.

Life gets pretty loud.

Loud enough to drown out those whispers telling me which way to go.

 

There’s been enough silence for me to hear which way to go. While it has been quiet, I know that this period in my life is like the calm right before the storm. I’ve been able to hear and discover enough things about myself to step into a world that can be pretty vicious in the spotlight at times. I know this to be true because I’ve seen it firsthand.

But the role I am willing to step into and will do my best to step into is to be a counterweight to a current that pulls many people down a path that doesn’t serve their soul.

With that, will come many different challenges.

With that, will come many different victories.

And this time serves as the greatest moment of reflection before that all begins.

Sometimes it blows my mind to think back to when everything started. It’s just beyond my understanding at this point. I mean I remember some of the moments and some of the things that happened around that time. But honestly, I just can’t place myself there anymore. 6 years seems like forever ago.

In fact, it seems like a lifetime ago.

I don’t truly know what’s coming my way.

But as much as I can, I’m preparing myself for it.

Not in the way of being ready for every situation by mapping it out.

But by being ready by forging myself into the type of man who can take on those challenges at will.

-Evan Sanders

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The Second Step In The Sand

There are certain decisions you know will change your entire life.

For me, the biggest one was February 9th 2011 when all of this began. The Better Man Project was created and everything changed after that.

But today is another one of those moments for me. When I started everything almost 6 years ago, I was pretty nervous. I was nervous about putting my words out there for other people to read, what the impact would be, and about a thousand other questions that I had going on in my mind.

I didn’t know what would happen. I wasn’t sure of what would come from all of this and what I ended up realizing far far down the line is that through all of the pain and struggle to keep growing, my greatest dreams started to come true.

I spoke things into existence…

…and somewhere far down the road those things started to take root and bloom.

Today I take the second step in the sand all these years later.

Today I start reading every last one of these blogs (including the new ones I write) out loud and on video. I know the world is changing. I know that most people will watch something rather than sit down and read it. But most of all, I felt in my gut that this was the right thing to do and that it would help me grow, understand more about this whole journey, and add an element to this that hasn’t been seen before.

My intuition has been telling me to read this out for quite some time because there’s just something that will click.

So I have to follow that.

This post could also be titled “Reboot” for many reasons.

The amount of clarity that has been bestowed upon me during this time back home has been surprising to say the least. I’ve seen exactly what I need to do. And what is that?

Bet on myself.

Bet on what I’ve created.

Bet on my passion.

Bet on my willingness to move forward and make the impact I want to make in the world. I’m almost at a place of this all catching fire. In order to get there, I’m going to have to really put both feet forward over the line and do some things that I’ve never done before.

I’m heading back into the past and bringing light and love to some of the things I now I may or may not be recovered from.

I’m going straight to that place because there’s so much wisdom to be gained from those experiences and words.

But I’m also creating a new future my engaging in something I’ve been scared to do for some time.

This is another step. Another big step on this journey of what this all means to me. And I’m willing to go there again. I’m willing to do something I’ve been avoiding to do in the name of growth and development.

My intention is different this time however.

Instead of creating something out of wanting it to be accepted by everyone who watches it, I’m doing this because it’s my truth and it will help me shed light on an adventure that has so much more to it than I ever thought.

I’m not starting from the beginning…but rather moving backwards as time has gone on. Every day I will read a few and post them. Every day another adventure into meeting myself and who I am.

This excites me.

This gets me going.

I’m ready.

-Evan Sanders

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These Bigger Dreams

Dreams.

Unfolding.

But these are bigger dreams. In fact, they are dreams big enough to scare me. That’s how I know they are good. They are big enough to keep me cooking for quite some time. They are exciting enough to pull me towards them – wherever they may be.

They are the next piece of the path.

And this next chapter is going to be a wild ride.

There’s a wave coming.

I’ve known this for quite some time. I wrote about it a long time ago but I knew that it wasn’t there yet for me. I knew it was going to be some time before I felt it starting to build to the point where I could catch it.

I can feel it in my bones.

I can feel it in my soul.

It’s coming and I know I’m going to ride it all the way to the end. I have faith in that. But this is the beginning.

And this is the part of the story that gets interesting.

These dreams are showing me things that my mind cannot truly take on. It’s having trouble understanding.

Well how are you going to do that What if this happens? What if that happens. 

But the strength of my soul is whispering back telling it to quiet down.

Everything will unfold in due time.

6 years.

6 years of personal discovery has prepared me for these moments. 6 years of wandering through The Woods, bringing myself back up out of The Pit and arriving to this place where everything is on the biggest stage of my life.

Whatever comes my way, I am ready.

I trust who I am.

I trust what I have found to be true in myself.

These dreams were not just given to me by accident. They were given to me for a purpose. I have faith that I can make them happen. As big as those mountains can be, I know that I can chip away every single day and one day I will arrive at the peak…

Only to have more dreams to come along the way.

It’s a bit of a trip for me to look at where things are now and see where they are headed.

As just a kid almost 6 years ago I could have never imagined this. I could have never seen this coming. But now, as I begin to dream again, I know that there’s so much for me in this world. So many people to meet. So many hearts to light up. So many moments to be lived in.

Whatever is going to be on this path…

I’m willing and ready to accept it.

I know that there will be hard times.

I know that there will be darkness.

But there will also be incredible amounts of light and love.

Unlike before, I am equipped with knowing…deeply knowing…that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

But rather, that I am the light.

Within me is everything I need.

-Evan Sanders

 

 

 

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Even If My Feet Shall Tremble, I Will Go

Shaking.

Trembling.

I’ve been there.

I’ve been there so many times. How am I going to muster up the courage to do this? How can I say this? And then the head gets going with its barrage of perfectly executed right hooks to my mind. It took me a long time to realize that if I just leaned up against the ropes and let it punch itself out, that I could survive that attack. But that, is for another story completely.

Today is about trusting your path…

Even if, you’re scared to death.

There’s a leap of faith we must all take. Imagine going cliff diving for a second. You’re at the edge of this rock getting ready to jump but there’s that moment of panic. It’s not really even a moment of panic about the water below. I don’t even think it’s much about the distance. You know you’re going to do it – that’s why you’re there.

But there’s this big pause.

I guess I never really knew it until I just thought about it now…

It’s really about that feeling of when you jump and you feel gravity start pulling you down.

It’s that moment…of being completely out of control.

You can’t stop the momentum.

You can’t stop the falling.

You’re just going.

In a way, taking a leap of faith in our lives is similar to this jump. You dive off this place of “where you are comfortable” and for a moment you are completely out of control.

Why?

Because you’re living in the unknown. You’re living in this place that you have absolutely no context for, no experience, no reference point and there is that sense of panic of “what do I do next?!”

And while that panic is there, eventually you get to this place of surrender.

Somewhere in that jump, you surrender to the reality of it all and try to make yourself as comfortable as possible. You’re falling, you’ve accepted that, and really it starts to become okay.

My feet have trembled in many ways throughout my life.

I’ve had to step into moments I didn’t think I was ready for. I’ve had to see people that have hurt me badly in the past (talk about one of the scariest moments we confront) and I’ve had to look my own demons dead in the face and challenge them in the battle for my soul.

These moments will make you shake.

But as you sit there shaking, you are actually shaking into a body that can hold that moment. You never tremble when something ordinary is happening. You only shake when you are facing something completely new and can’t handle it with the body you currently have.

So it readjusts…and you settle…and you step into that fear and face it.

A long time ago, when I hit rock bottom, I came back to school a complete mess. I hadn’t eaten or slept properly in weeks. Every single day, as I walked full of anxiety to class, I would pop in my headphones and listen to the same two Eminem songs over and over again.

I’m not afraid.

No love.

There was hope and darkness in me. I shook and shook sometimes sending my entire body quaking.

But I kept walking. I kept moving forward.

And eventually, those days got a little less dark. But I had to tread through the darkest parts of my life to ever begin to understand that there was no light at the end of the tunnel…but rather that I was the light itself.

There was no escaping this.

There was no adding something onto my life that would make it all better.

I had to be in it, walk through it, and continue the path I was on despite the conditions around me. If I did that and I took care of myself, I knew that I would find myself in brighter conditions.

There will always be a fear of what might happen in the future.

But if you don’t walk your path today, you will never find out.

You won’t ever know what that special person would have said if you don’t say it to them.

You won’t ever see your potential if you don’t begin to chase it.

It’s not going to work out every time, but that’s the point. It’s not about it working out. It’s about you learning how to walk into the great mystery of life with confidence and a curiosity that could rival a child’s playful heart.

It’s about discovering “what is.”

And letting that be just perfect the way it has shown up.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

 

 

 

 

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As I Was Called Out Of The Woods

My heart has felt a thousand things today.

It has crashed like the waves of the ocean. One minute at peace and the next minute rolling in wildly.

There’s no stopping it. There’s no controlling it. There’s just letting it be what it is.

It’s wild.

It’s free.

The feminine works within me today.

Life has been a series of paint strokes filled with wild colors.

Vibrant.

Dark.

Mixed with imperfection.

My heart splashes on the canvas of what is my life.

Something in me is stirring.

My mind can’t figure it out. I think that’s the point. I’m not ever going to be able to. I’m not ever going to be able to understand this. So I’m just going to pour out what does have some texture to it and just let it be what it is.

I took that step I always wanted to take. I took the step I knew I could and now I’m headed back into uncharted territory.

It’s a scary experience leaving the harbor.

We can do that in all sorts of ways in our life.

Whether that’s simply leaving what’s comfortable or heading into something completely new for the sake of growth. There are thousands of different perspectives and ways to shift in the moment. But this one for me really feels like there’s no going back.

I was deep into the forest but I heard this faint whisper that I needed to appear in front of everyone again.

My intuition spoke loudly about seeing to a personal family situation and as I have learned to do throughout all these years, I trusted that.

I trusted that it wouldn’t lead me astray or ruin the path, but rather that it was a slight detour on the path that I was destined to travel.

But back into the woods I will go again.

And this time, it has a wildly different feel to it.

There’s fear in this heart of mine, but there’s great courage as well.

One can’t exist without the other. They are lovers dancing in the soul.

To not have fear is to not have courage. And as I think about this next chapter and in heading as deep into the trees as I possibly can, I know that my journey is going to be defined by my learning to settle into the great mystery of it all.

It’s easy to clamp down on what you can grasp on when life is uncertain. But it takes everything to actually sit there in a state of unknowing and trust that you are going in the right direction.

Sitting in uncertainty is actually sitting in truth.

It all shifts and changes. It all bends and moves.

You can trust that if you let go.

You can trust that life is going to shift if you allow it to shift in a way that you need.

It might not always look like how you want it to look like, but I think that’s actually part of the design. Things don’t happen in the way you think it should happen.

And there’s a gift in that.

Some bigger picture.

Some bigger purpose to it all.

I’ve taken steps.

Cast off from the shore.

Ready to make way.

I’m afraid.

But I’m also ready.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project 

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