Evan Sanders's Blog, page 28

Light It Back Up

I think I knew the moment when it was showing up.

You see, it was like when a candle burns right to the end of the wick. It’s still flickering, but you know it’s going out. You know it’s time to move on.

That was happening for me more and more with traveling. This wonderful path had come to an end the way I was doing it. Doing it on my own didn’t serve me anymore. I had come to my peace. I had learned to enjoy the silence. I learned to enjoy my own company as I did a lot of things on my own. I learned to open up to complete strangers, have conversations on a whim, and smile when our language barriers got in the way.

It’s not that I’m done with traveling.

It’s that I’m done doing it in the way I was doing it.

And so now there’s what’s ahead of me.

That vision I’ve been speaking of. I’m already on my way. I’m paving that path. Now, even more than ever, I’m living.

I wrote this today and it’s pretty relevant towards what’s been happening for me.

I don’t answer to you.

I’m sorry if you think that’s abrasive.

But I answer to myself.

My heart.

My deepest sense of self.

That has always guided me home.

Why?

Because I will not build myself off your compliments or approval.

Nor will I be destroyed by your criticisms.

Don’t get me wrong,

I will always look after you and treat you right.

But I’m my own man.

I trust myself.

What’s funny, is when I look back at posts from years before, I really didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust the decisions I was making or what I really was.

I was so conflicted by stories of the past and allowed them to get in my way that I acted in all sorts of ways that didn’t serve me well at all.

But now, after so much work internally, I actually trust myself.

While I’m not immune to making mistakes, I trust the beat inside. I trust that my moral compass will steer me in the right direction and will allow for me to distinguish between right and wrong. But the biggest thing that has arisen is compassion. Compassion in a complete sense – that it includes myself as well as others.

My biggest workings have been on fear this year.

Yesterday on the plane, I heard this amazing quote watching a movie. The woman said something to the effect of we never get rid of our demons we just choose to live above them. 

That struck me.

I think I actually smiled in that moment and then paused the movie.

It made me think of this idea of choice.

Every day, and how we show up in that day, is a choice.

Thing is, those choices determine the rest of our future. This has been called many things (I just resonate with the idea of karma).

So the seeds we plant today become the garden we live in tomorrow.

So the choices I’m making now are about living in a future with even more happiness, joy, freedom and love.

That’s what makes my heart full. That’s what brings the best out in me.

So I have to live that today. And I am. Decision by decision. Mistake by mistake. Choice by choice.

Oh and the garden is beautiful.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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I Trust Myself Now & That Has Made All The Difference

I woke up yesterday and said, “Okay I’m good.”

Time to come home. Time to travel the next piece of the path that I’ve laid out for myself.

It wasn’t a sense of panic or missing anything. It was just clarity. “Done. Next.”

When I left California almost a year ago, there was a lot of personal story that was built up around why I was doing what I was doing and how much it meant to me. Truth is, all of that was incredibly valuable to me and will always stay very very close to my heart.

However, as this year has carried on, many things changed. Many things.

I’ve experienced all sorts of different things and they have changed me. Going back to Europe settled my heart. I started to enjoy the smallest of things. More importantly, I settled into truly enjoying my own company without always trying to get somewhere else. I was just there.

I sat by the water in Prague eating lunch listening to music. I surfed the beautiful waves of Portugal and spent the happiest moments of my life with someone incredibly special to me. I walked through beautiful churches in Rome by myself. I explored the small streets of cities not seen by most. I ran in no general direction in Berlin only to come across beautiful murals and art that were overgrown with weeds. I laid on the beaches of France reading about Buddhism and floating in the water without a care in the world.

I lived.

And still am living…more than I’ve ever lived before.

This way of going about this past year served me. It served me in that I came into full contact with what was really happening in my life – not all of it pretty – and worked through that. But most of all, it gave me clarity. I wrote about this idea of having an illuminated path the other day. That has become even clearer.

So when I woke up yesterday, I knew that it was time to end this trip and move onto what I’ve actually always known that I’ve needed to do.

I needed to commit.

I needed to dedicate myself.

And every single day, I had to put forward the effort it was going to take with an unyielding sense of belief that what I’m doing is the right thing to do.

I haven’t given myself that chance and I’m going to take it.

I didn’t expect this year to turn out the way it did. There were breaks in travel, unexpected events, and everything else you could imagine in between. But it taught me. It shaped me. It molded me and helped me understand who I was, where I had been, and who I was destined to become.

No matter the challenges and what came my way, how could you ever say that wasn’t the most perfect thing for me?

This journey isn’t over, it’s just changing.

But I know what season I’m going into. The season of creation. The season of commitment. The season of following what I’ve seen in my mind for almost a year now and have been preparing myself for.

This trip did that for me.

It got me ready.

It helped me remove all of the thoughts or doubts that surrounded that path. It taught me, through space and time, what truly mattered to me and I wouldn’t have changed that for the world.

The timing is now right.

I’ve fit right into that grooved path and now all there is to do is follow it every single day.

It’s time to evolve.

It’s time to answer the call fully.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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When I Really Started To Listen

There have been some strong stories over these past couple of years.

One’s that I’ve needed to let go of. One’s that I’ve thought I needed to let go of, but ended up realizing farther down the line that I actually needed to follow them. They weren’t stories. They were dreams. They were callings that I confused as things that were ready to pass.

They weren’t.

I think as time has gone on, I’ve started to hear more and more whispers about which way I should go. Traveling this past year has been incredibly good for me. It has opened my eyes in so many ways and has brought so much peace after going through initial hardships.

But even in all of this traveling, as my expectations were cracked in many ways and completely blown away in others, I’ve realized something that really became a great truth for me. Everyone, when it really comes down to it, is much more the same than different.

From meeting people on trains, to laughing with locals in bars, to running into people on the street or even asking an old Italian lady how to properly bag the produce with a complicated machine in Italy…everyone had that same feel to them.

Heart.

Soul.

The same.

I used to be pretty wary of people for a long time. There’s a pretty long story as to why which I won’t really get into now. But I would be on the lookout for someone to really pull the rug out from underneath me. As I’ve learned to trust everything much more, I’m always okay. Situations come up that really are challenging, but other than that, everything always seems to work out the way it needs to.

That sense of defensiveness has been lowered.

And all those stories that arrive when you leave a place you’ve known for such a long time on your own begin to dissolve. The fears fall away. Happiness and joy start to take their place.

When I quiet down and really listen, I see paths clearly. I see a route that’s almost illuminated.

All those years ago when I started this, I didn’t really see anything at all. I simply knew that I would be doing something that was good for me and that it would possibly make a difference for someone who was reading it. But it was how I survived that time. It was what I really needed.

But now, I see something completely different.

I see a journey that is not about covering all these different continents on the earth, but a greater one, one that travels deep inside myself.

No matter how many doubts or worries I’ve had about what would happen if I took that journey and didn’t do other things that I thought I should do, it has always come back to me over and over again. The illuminated path.

An awakening.

At times, I’ve followed it. Dabbled. I saw what could come from it. I opened once I did. Then I would go off and do something else. Travel. See these places. But I’ve always known. I’ve always know that was the way I needed to head once I was fully ready to acknowledge it.

I think all this space that has been created for me as I’ve been on my own traveling did allow for that acknowledgement to rise.

That whisper has come back…

It’s time to do x,y,z…

So there’s that sense of stepping onto a path that has felt destined at times. It’s almost as if your foot fits perfectly into a footprint that was placed on the beach just for you. I’ve just been a bit nervous about letting go of other things so I could take a step into that footprint.

But what I’ve realized is this…

That footprint brings the ultimate form of safety.

Because the knowingness that comes along with it settles the soul. You are on the right path. This is what you need to do.

So do it.

Take it.

It is there for you.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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The Stormy Night

I’ve lost myself from time to time.

This isn’t the first time.

It’s one of many.

I can remember those moments very well. Those moments shook me. They made me feel like I was breaking. They challenged everything I thought I was about. Even though they are long gone, going back and remembering what happened and how I felt isn’t a far stretch.

I learned from those moments as tough as they were.

Recently, I was shaken again. I’m not proud of it. In fact, I didn’t even know I was capable of reverting back to a way that I used to show up almost 10 years ago. But I did. My gut was in pieces. My heart a mess. To be honest, I felt ashamed. Ashamed of how I had acted. Ashamed of who I was being in that moment. And despite carrying on, I’ve really had some upfront and personal conversations with myself about how this behavior was absolutely unacceptable.

Cowardice…spineless…moment.

Doesn’t matter the reason why it happened. Doesn’t matter the details or what else might have been going on. The fact of the matter is…is that it did happen and that’s not who I am. I’m not that person anymore. It just goes to show you that we are all capable of backtracking from time to time.

This isn’t a post about ripping myself to pieces.

This is about what to do after that.

I’ve always been hard on myself. It used to not show up in the healthiest of ways, but now,  I understand that demanding nature more. I spent a lot of time developing some pretty bad habits throughout my life that I wasn’t really proud of. I needed to break those. But in order to break those, I had to demand more out of myself that I was capable of at that time.

It took a sense of fearless compassion to force myself into breaking old ways and becoming the person who I want to become.

I know that I still have a lot of work to do.

I know that there’s a lot for me to learn.

But the point is, I’m learning. As much as I write about and speak about things that are happening in my life, I also slip up. I strike out looking with the bases loaded from time to time.

That used to be the way it was quite frequently. But now I really try to take my best shot at things and if I go down…well at least I went down swinging.

Strikeouts are part of the game.

And boy did I strikeout.

I know better. I demand better. It’s not that I’m not willing to forgive myself for this mistake, but it’s that I don’t want to ever put anyone else or myself in that position again. Have I understood why it happened on a personal level?

Absolutely.

I’ve spent hours upon hours with it figuring out why I would drastically shift in such a way that was completely contradictory to who I am 99.9% of the time. So I get that.

So now what?

All there is to do is continue on. Continue trying to fix it. Continue trying to make it right. Continue to learn.

There’s no sense in firing arrows into yourself after the first arrow has hit. That’s just a recipe for constant pain. Deal with arrow 1. Understand everything you can about why it happened. Then go forward.

Do what you can to make it right.

Love as much as you can after it.

But also move forward.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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Maybe This Was Redemption

Maybe redemption came in the form of knowing that at any point, at any moment, I could completely change everything…by changing how I view what’s happening right now.

I could could change the story in a heartbeat.

I could solidify it with action.

Too often I’ve sat alone sitting scared of going out into the world and truly showing who I am. I’ve disconnected and distanced myself from others, never really giving them the chance to love me.

But as I’ve come to honor the hearts and souls of those around me, and realize that the stars live in them as much as myself, I see how united we really are – how there’s no me vs. you.

We are just the same. We are all the same. We are one.

Those times where I’ve hidden away I knew that I was acting out of fear. But now, I’m opening back up again like a flower.

I’ve looked to the past a lot over this past week to really understand where a lot of my habits have come from. This feeling of loneliness has caused me to contract around a few that are really bad for me.

So I started to ask the question…”When do I feel the most connected?”

When am I not lonely?

When I’m outside in Nature. When I’m spending time with people I care about. When I’m talking to the people in my life who matter.

But also, and maybe even more importantly, when I am following the path I know I need to be taking. Nothing makes me feel more out of wack than not giving it my all and giving a half-assed effort towards paving the way for myself into the future.

I haven’t been that great at following my own battle plans this year.

But I changed that today. I recommitted back to what I know I need to do and I’m starting again. No beating myself up anymore. No looking back and trying to figure anything else out. Just forward. Only forward.

Stick to the plan.

Stick to the plan.

Every day, put in the work. Chip away. Eventually, you will be right up on the top of that mountain.

I’m not doing this for recognition or popularity. I’m doing this because there’s something deep inside me calling me to put forward all of these things that I’ve held back for such a long time.

It just whispers, “gooooo.”

“Do it.”

“Everything will change.”

And I believe this. I believe that if I really do it, things will change for me drastically. All of these things  got in the way of me going for it – most of them having to actually do with me personally.

But I’m adopting the to-hell-with-it attitude and just giving it a go.

So for the next 24 months, every day, I’m putting in the work.

I can give it my all. 24 months from now I will turn 30. For some reason, that number has constantly shown up in my dreams as a very special day.

So until then, I grind.

I hustle.

I put in the work.

I’m going to build something that will last me the rest of my life that I can be proud of.

And when I get there?

I’m sure that I will have something else come up to go for as well.

This is about chasing after and living in dreams.

Nothing excites me more.

It’s time to go.

Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

“raw. electric. a daily shock to the soul.”

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No One Can Take This Path But You

No one can travel this path for you. It’s yours and yours alone.

The decisions you make (or don’t make) are on you. There are no fingers to point. No other people to blame. Every step is your own.

In ways this is incredibly liberating.

When you’re struggling to make a choice, it can be very hard.

I’ve come to understand more and more about this path I am as the years have gone by. I understand more about who I am, what I want to engage in, what makes me happy and what I want to create for myself.

The past 6 months were enlightening. Sitting by my grandmother as she suffered through terminal lung cancer opened my eyes in ways that are hard to explain. Death will do that. Even in my work, I found that many people were going through the exact same process so I became more and more familiar with what death is.

But being there next to her and listening her talk about her life made me really start thinking about time.

What am I doing with my time?

How much time do I have?

I realized that I really don’t know. I really don’t know how much time I have left and that I’ve also personally felt that I’ve wasted a lot of time. I’ve stumbled, procrastinated and stalled along this path and not engaged in what my heart knew to do. I don’t know if it was a combination of fear, laziness, or whatever it possibly could have been, but I was left with this feeling that I had wasted opportunities.

I know I want to leave an impact on this world.

I want to be a source of light and love.

But I’ve also kept that from the world in many ways. I’ve held hostage my thoughts, written work, emotions and content that could make the lives of others better. I’ve put off the path I’ve designed for myself and my own growth for things that didn’t really serve me.

When I really looked myself in the mirror the past couple of weeks, I knew that I didn’t give it my best effort.

And that’s been a hard pill for me to swallow.

It goes against everything I believe in.

Interestingly enough, this time of unrest has allowed me to dive deeper and deeper into my own self-reflection and understand which way to go. Traveling has been a wonderful experience for me, but in regards to the way I am doing it now, it feels like the candle is burning down to the end of the wick.

I’ve come to understand that I have always shifted with the seasons.

And there are seasons for work and creation and there are seasons for stepping back to relax and recharge.

With the way I’ve been going about my life this past few years I really haven’t given myself a chance to truly appreciate the season I am in. I now know I need that. I need time to hunker down and charge forward. I need time to step away, to play in the ocean and truly put everything down for a while.

I also know that I now have to let go of the past. I have to let go of the fact that I feel like I’ve wasted some time, learn from it, and move forward. It does me absolutely no good to beat myself up and constantly rehash things with myself regarding my past.

What is done is done.

It’s not a failure. It’s just I didn’t do as much as I thought I was capable of doing.

I now am going to rise to that challenge.

I’m going to expand around this, not contract.

I’m going to give it everything I’ve got.

Change is a beautiful thing. You can either let change make you or you can run from it in fear. But both of those are a choice. I’ve always embraced change even though a great deal of the time it has challenged me beyond belief. I know in my heart that it’s good for me. I know that it’s going to be the thing that brings the best out in me.

That doesn’t make it easy.

In fact, it often makes it very very hard.

But just as the blacksmith’s arm is built by resistance, so are our souls strengthened by our courage, determination and resilience.

It’s those qualities that bring out our true nature.

So walk this path of yours. Ask for challenges that will help you bloom. Do not seek an easy path because you will never grow. Seek the path that aligns with your heart’s sense of bliss, that will open you up to the possibility of transformation, and that will bring out the best of who you are.

Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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The Choices We Make

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have a few that I’m not very proud of. However, every choice has helped me learn.

Many of those mistakes came from a place of fear. They came from a place where I let a gripping anxiety about what was happening in my life make the decision for me. Over time, I started to realize that there was another way to make choices.

It didn’t have to be a reaction.

It didn’t have to be out of fear, doubt, worry, or stress.

I didn’t have to function like an avalanche collapsing once something went wrong.

Instead, I could sit with whatever choice I needed to make and come at it out of a place of love.

That has changed a lot for me. But I still struggle. I struggle when old patterns and habits suddenly manifest themselves and I lose my sense of heart in the matter. I’ve panicked. I’ve been triggered. I’ve lost that center and every time I do, instead of endlessly beating myself up (like I used to) I just come back to who I really am and own my decisions.

Integrity.

It can be lost at times. But I’ll always come back to it. I’ll always learn. I’ll always do what I can to mend whatever I’ve damaged. I’ll always come back to that great sense of an open heart.

There’s no shortage of tough moments lately.

It seems that I’m continuously being challenged and a lot has been coming up for me this year as I’ve gone out on journey after journey really starting to discover a deeper sense of myself. That has been hard and revealing in many ways. I’ve started to see some old ways show up in areas that I did not know they existed.

An image that has continued to pop up in my head is this tree that has accidentally had poison poured around it. The poison makes its way down the roots and causes the tree to function in all sorts of unintended ways. I’ve been healing those wounded roots. I’ve been doing the work that I need to do with them but that doesn’t always mean that this tree doesn’t accidentally create fruit that isn’t healthy.

I’m aware of it.

I’m very aware of it.

Before, I would tear myself down because of the pressure I put on myself to be something perfect.

But now, I’ve ditched that idea of perfection. I understand that I’m going to make mistakes. I understand that there will be times I don’t handle situations the best and struggle to make the right choices. But ruining myself in the process and becoming the judge, jury, and executioner is only going to take me farther and farther away from myself.

That judge inside of me can be vicious.

It has had the power in the past to disconnect me from everyone and everything.

But now, in hearing its voice much more soundly, I’m coming to understand that life isn’t about perfection or putting on the perfect mask for the world to see, but coming to a deeper understanding of yourself and planting the seeds of love with every intention.

That has healed those roots.

Over the past few months, I’ve had to let go of a lot of things.

People. Habits. Stories. Situations.

The past has tapped its fingers on my shoulder a number of times and I’ve just kept walking. I kept moving forward. Sometimes, I truly believe, it’s better to just keep moving forward that turning around to face your past.

You can look back if you’d like, but most of the time it really doesn’t serve you unless you are specifically seeking something to learn and understand. I’ve caught myself living there at times. Then, I found myself trying to live in the future. I was anything but present and that’s where all those bad decisions came from.

Sacrificing the beauty of this moment for some future vision that was a mirage.

Sacrificing the beauty of this moment for memories of the past that tortured my heart.

But those are both gone.

So it’s about here and now. It’s about making sure that I am the best version of myself that I can possibly be. But I know I’m not perfect. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to hurt people. I’m going to hurt myself. But I will do everything I can to make it right.

Because I care.

I care a lot.

-Evan Sanders

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Even If You Feel Yourself Tremble

Fear has many ways of gripping the heart.

It has gripped mine in moments where I step out into unfamiliar territory. I can feel my heart clenching up. I can feel my chest tightening and my breath getting short. It starts to take over and I know that if I continue it will completely shut me down.

And there have been times it has. Trust me.

A few days ago, I started back out again on a journey that has had many twists and turns so far. It has challenged me in the best of ways and really put me right up in the front row with my comfort zones. I knew that staying at home wouldn’t serve me. It wouldn’t help me grow. But also, if I’m being honest, everything inside of me didn’t want to let go of that place. As challenging as it was to leave, I knew it was the right thing to do.

Fear creeps into my heart and then begins to start welling behind my eyes.

It speaks of loneliness. It speaks of heartbreak and wasting time. It speaks of turning back.

But I can’t turn back.

Because if I do, I will lose this sense of path I have started to discover for myself.

I will lose my heart’s true calling in that decision.

So forward we go…no matter how hard it gets.

There are many reasons why I have felt stuck in my own journey. I’ve felt stuck at times because I didn’t think I was doing enough with the time I had here. I felt stuck because of things that had happened in the past and how they seemingly made such large impacts on how I show up today.

But I think I’ve wandered away from my bread and butter at times.

I wandered away from coming here day after day with a willingness to express myself. That’s cut me off in a way. As time went on, I started moving into different avenues but forgot to come back to those fresh white pieces of paper where I’ve built myself back from the ground up.

I lost something in moving away from that. I know better than most that all I have to do is now recommit. I have to come back time and time again no matter how far I wander from my heart.

This path has heart in it.

For some reason, I haven’t had the courage to follow it at times. I’ve wanted to move away from it. I’ve wanted to stall and procrastinate. I’ve wanted to blame my losses on others and not put forward everything I know that I can create.

This has been fear talking again.

At times I’ve had the courage.

I’ve had bouts of great energy where I put my heart on the line time and time again. And then there’s those times where everything inside of me wants to close up and hide away from all of it. The opening and the closing of the heart. It’s almost like it’s moving with the breath.

I know that I can do this.

I know that I can travel this path and be on my way. I can keep growing. I can keep changing. I can allow the wind to take me where it needs to. But I also know that I have to keep coming back to what made me in the first place. Without that foundation, I feel a bit uncentered. I feel out of sorts…not quite home.

So I’m going to try.

To come back to this place.

To honor all of those years of exploration with the opening of new chapters.

To write about them.

To express them.

To come back to me. 

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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I Think It’s About Time

I think it’s time.

I can feel myself falling into this groove. I’m going with the current. Something is heating up inside of me. What I’ve called courage forth so many times for is coming to fruition and I’m developing the guts to really go for it.

It’s time go all in. It’s time to leave these past stories behind.

I feel like a different person now and even though I have fallen back into those old stories from time to time I know that things have permanently shifted. It hasn’t been the smoothest of transitions, but the changes have been made.

The path is quite clear.

What’s interesting to me though is that it wasn’t clarity of the path ahead of me that really brought me to this point, but the realization that many old things that were once in my life are no longer for me.

That took some time to really come around to.

I’ve had to let go.

I’ve had to let go of a lot.

I’ve had struggles with a few things, but every time I step back into them I know that I’ve drifted farther and farther away from needing them. They don’t feel right to me anymore.

So the only way is forward.

I’ve often thought about my relationship with writing and what has been happening for me lately. It seems that I’ve been through a long period in my life where I haven’t necessarily wanted to come here to talk.

I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing though.

I’ve worked so much on my awareness and tapping into my intuition that these conversations that were once reserved for this place are now happening in my head. That’s where the understanding is coming from. That’s where the depths are being reached.

Before, the only way I could get there was to sit and write. But now, things have changed.

I’m content seeking this knowledge within myself and coming to an understanding about which way to go next. I don’t feel as lost. I don’t feel like I’m spinning my wheels anymore.

Rather, I feel that I’ve had to practice letting go of everything that was once holding onto me in order for me to get ready for this next big phase of my life.

I’m going to need the energy – I can’t be destroying my body in the gym as much anymore.

I’m going to need to be centered – I’ve had to give up all caffeine and meat because it was throwing my body for a loop and was an engrained piece of my old story.

I’m going to have to get out of my comfort zones – the world is my teacher and I must go see it.

For one reason or another, illness in my family brought me back a couple of times to California. But that was a blessing in disguise. I think, especially with what happened this past time, that it was a blessing in disguise because I learned how to let go of things that I hadn’t quite let go of yet.

They were still holding onto me.

They were built into me.

But I’ve started to really shake those things loose.

Some have even disappeared from me completely. There’s still much more to come.

I’ve been in a battle with writing my book. The battle has been in not wanting to go back and make contact with some things that really hurt me. However, the wiser side of me knows that in order to continue healing, I must.

I’ve avoided those places…but they aren’t healed yet.

They are still wounded. There’s still a lot of work to do there. And, through the process of writing this book, I know in my heart that I will be able to finally heal some of these past events.

I can’t hold onto the way things are or have been. I have to let go of that.

It seems like the universe is asking me to change.

So I’m going with it.

It’s dragging me towards adventure. I can’t resist.

It’s telling me to write. I must write.

It’s telling me to put my words out there for the world to hear by stepping in front of a camera.

So I must.

I must…because I can.

And that’s the point.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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Sparks In The Soul

This is a spark moment.

It’s amazing to start seeing things piece themselves together in the mind when you are looking back on what’s happened.

After my grandmother had passed away, I wasn’t exactly sure of my next steps on my path. A lot had been thrown up into the air. The first vacation I’ve taken since I got out of college was cut terribly short to 5 days and I had to rush back home. I could have never seen that coming. I didn’t expect that at al.

But as I’ve been here, some opportunities have arrived that also lived in the land of “man…I never saw that coming.”

I’ve had the chance to work with two brilliant healers.

 

I’ve developed a sense of clarity on moving forward with the next steps of my life and my business.

I’ve been able to make decisions and re-discipline myself in ways that are much healthier and have far better grounded intentions that before.

So coming back, well, it has been a gift. I’ve been offered an opportunity to move forward with a sense of “knowing” even though I’m still constantly heading into that grand place called the unknown. I have a “heading” but clearly have no clue what’s going to actually show up when I go along that journey.

I’ve had the chance to connect with my deepest sense of purpose.

What was once something that I doubted quickly became something that I have accepted wholeheartedly. This path with heart has brought the best out in me. And it comes down to this every single decision I make…

“Will I love or will I not love?”

When I ask myself those questions in even the most challenging of moments that face me, the answers become quite simple.

Love.

Because love has been the thing that has brought me farther out of the darkness than anything else in my life. It has illuminated even the toughest of circumstances, healed the deepest of wounds, and brought me closer to my truest sense of self.

This isn’t necessarily “romantic love” but rather just deep unconditional love for what is.

From that place?

Connection.

There’s this feeling of roots flying up through the bottom of my feet into my legs. They continue to crawl higher and higher up until I feel completely grounded and connected. The sensation coming in those moments is incredibly hard to describe. It’s like pieces of you are buried deep within the dirt and continuing to make their way farther and farther down into the earth.

Practice is like a roller coaster. Each new high is usually followed by a new low. Understanding this, it makes it a bit easier to ride with both phases…there is in addition to the up and down cycles an in and out cycle. That is, there are stages at which you feel pulled into inner work and all you seek is a quiet place to meditate and get on with it, and then there are times when you turn outward and seek to be involved in the marketplace. Both of these parts of the cycle are part of one’s practice, for what happens to you in the marketplace helps in your meditation, and what happens in your meditation helps you to participate in the marketplace without attachment. At first you will think of practice as a limited part of your life. In time you will realize that everything you do is part of your practice. (A Path With Heart – Jack Kornfield)

That passage brought me a lot of perspective. It opened me up to seeing that there are these in and out cycles that I truly wasn’t aware of. But it also made me start to see that there are these rhythms to the soul – the bouts of desiring quiet and peace and the moments for diving into the community. Both of these cycles are part of the practice. They are there to teach you how to be in the other fully.

As I have settled more and more into being here…I’ve seemed to let go of what’s going to happen down the line.

While I have the occasional moment of panic or backtrack into my old story, I’ve been much better about stepping into this version of myself that is far more accepting of everything that drawing lines.

The movement of the mind is to divide and conquer.

The language of the heart is to accept.

As I step into this place, everything feels much calmer. Much more at peace. Much healthier. It didn’t always feel that way. When I was in this place of trying to do things to prove my worthiness I always felt empty. There was always more to do. There was always more to be.

I think part of that lived in the title of this blog in the first place when I started all those years ago. But I also think there was this basic sense of goodness in it as well. It has always about becoming a better human being. Not better in the sense of “adding” things or being a better person that others…but in connecting more to myself and who I really am.

That spark…that spark keeps coming back.

It’s the spark of fearlessness. Commitment. Acceptance. Love.

My personality is shifting. There’s been some resistance from the old way…but truly I am letting go of that version of myself.

There’s so much more here for me.

It has always been here.

It will always be.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

 

 

 

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