Evan Sanders's Blog, page 27

This Is Not The End Of Me. This Is The Beginning

This is not the end of me. This is the beginning.

Chapter II starts with the closing of the previous book.

:thump:

I have no idea what happened in my sleep last night but whatever it was sent a jolt of energy into my today that has been very noticeable. It felt like there was something inside of me that shifted. Something changed. These olds ways of being just seemed to shed off of me.

It’s like that feeling you get when you catch a wave. There’s this big push and you’re off.

So where am I today?

I spent the morning coming back to what I’ve always known to be true – all of this I am doing…everything that I’m engaging in…is the path and there’s no other one to travel on.

Everything that has happened, the good and the bad, are part of the process. There’s no telling why things happen or what will happen…there’s just the knowing that you’re being looked after and taken care of no matter what.

I think for a long chunk of time there I lost that belief.

Then, I stalled. I stayed stuck because of habits and ways of showing up in the world and didn’t move forward. Clearly I wasn’t ready. Clearly I didn’t have the right mentality to take everything to the next level and move forward to this chapter.

But today, I’m here.

I feel it in my bones. I know it to be true.

Life works in mysterious ways. Up and down. In and out. It’s this moving, shifting, breathing thing that is far beyond your comprehension. It will do as it pleases and you really don’t have much of a say in it.

But what you do have a say in is carrying forward with the path that your heart knows to be true. It’s listening to those whispers within telling you to go a specific way and making sure you honor those requests.

Because if you don’t, you’ll end up lost. You’ll find yourself either pulled onto the side of the road or turning around and heading in a direction that doesn’t serve you at all.

I will admit – I’ve been stuck for a while.

There have been certain pieces of me I really didn’t want to let go of. Pieces that have been around for years and years and years. But last night, I let them go. I don’t need them anymore. While they might pop up from time to time, I can live above them. I know I can.

There docks have been burnt behind me.

Another journey to take.

There’s only forward now.

Only forward we go.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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When I Called In The Magic

I’ve been wandering in the trees, bouldering up mountains and finding those voices that echo from the heavens once I quiet down.

Everything that felt uncentered has come right back to the middle.

There’s balance now. Peace of mind. The ushering in of the winds to take the things I need to let go of.

There was a lot that needed to go. There is a lot that has left me.

I’ve slowed down time. Everything that has distracted me has been whittled away. I’ve connected, shown up more and more in this moment, and found myself plugging into this source of energy that has always been there waiting for me to make the request.

That quiet space that my mind often wrangled with and produced this feeling of loneliness has drifted back into the sea. I realize now more than ever how much more connected to everyone and everything I am. That distance between me and them has closed. It is now us. It has always been.

Lightning pierces the sky after the day of the eclipse. Thunderbolts of energy rattle the skies and those bell moments of intuition ring in my mind. I hear them speaking. I hear them calling forward the courage for me to do what I need to do in this life.

It was only until recently that I’ve found that direct sense of purpose. I’ve been able to write it down with clarity every single day, repeating the same intention over and over again. It gives me strength. It gives me direction.

I can now see clearly why this path has twisted and turned the way it has for so many years.

There have been many moments of clarity met with the banks of fog to throw me off my heading. But now as I sit here today, those same fingers pattering on the keys all these years later, I realize that I have found the rudder to my ship. The Captain has returned back onto the deck with a new sense of vision and a willingness to continue on that way no matter what may come to him.

Almost a month ago I was called into the trees knowing that it would be the very thing to soothe my unsettled heart. Intuition beckoned. When I answered, I was met with all sorts of things that needed to be addressed. My intentions. My health. My promises. My direction.

But answering that call has been one of the greatest acts of self-love I’ve ever engaged in. Because when I allowed myself to change and let go of stories that no longer served me, I started to come into more and more of who I really am.

I labeled August 21 as a second birthday. It was the day I decided to go another way. 

This year is going to look like many things – as all of the years have.

But this one is rooted in seeds that have been planted only yesterday, but will be planted for 365 days straight.

I only know what those intentions are and not exactly how life is going to show up in the future. But that’s okay. That’s the point. I would never know anyways. That one is left up to the heavens. I just know that this path is true.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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In Between The Trees & The Mountains

These mountains have been whispering to my soul.

The trees have been speaking of the way.

I’ve been climbing every day up a great peak and running through the forest as I make my way to the top.

Here I feel peace. Here I feel that sense of home. 

As I’ve bouldered up the fallen rocks, I can hear myself. It’s not necessarily thinking, but more of a sense of wisdom unearthing. I’ve been able to come to terms with many things, feel incredibly grounded through some very difficult situations and start to connect back with who I really am.

I think I lost contact with some pieces of myself as the years went on.

But now, it feels like things are changing again. It’s as if there’s a completely new chapter of my life beginning and those old pages are being tucked away in between the binding of an old story.

I’ve let things go. I’ve let people go.

That cleansing hasn’t been easy at all, but something in my heart has been telling me that it’s the right thing to do.

Catharsis isn’t always pleasant.

There are so many layers to it that sometimes my body physically hurts, at other points it’s my spirit, and sometimes my heart. But that cleansing has allowed for more space. It’s given me the chance to open up the gates to what’s really supposed to be here.

I am finding myself in the trees. I am connecting with what was lost long ago.

I don’t think I have ever been more here. 

Maybe that’s the point of it all…to show up more and more willing to be taught by those great walls of granite and twisting pine trees.

I’m listening.

Teach me.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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The Big Pause

Sometimes, there are moments in your life where you take a very big pause and say, “This path no longer serves me. I am done with it. Now I’m going to look at how I got here, where I am now, and where I am now headed.”

It’s the big pause. 

Every story has a moment where the decision is made to head in a completely different direction than before.

The past sheds its weight off of you and you step onto new ground a transformed individual. It doesn’t happen in the sense that you have changed completely in that moment, but rather have decided that you will plant different intentions in every moment that comes your way.

But you have to have that pause.

Because if you don’t pause, you’re never going to know what you need to do going forward.

I think a lot of dreams and goals fail not because of being able to formulate them, but the nitty gritty details…the grunt work…the battle plans of what it’s really going to take to make that a reality. The Big Dream is wonderful, but it’s never going to get accomplished without a ton of reflection of why it hasn’t happened in the first place and everything it’s going to take to get there.

I’ve been sorting myself out in that way.

I’ve brought myself back down to ground level and really started to understand what efforts I have to put in every single day, no matter what, to start chipping away at this next big mountain to climb.

Of course the dream is wonderful to focus on…but at some point you have to come back to what’s right here and right now. You have to fully commit to the present picture in order to create the end result.

I haven’t been doing that to be honest.

I’ve been 70% doing that.

I’ve been putting in almost all the way types of effort.

But that really doesn’t cut it. It’s been creating turmoil inside of me for quite some time and that doesn’t do me any good. It doesn’t help me to be getting in my own way. I have been. I’ve been getting in my own way on so many different levels.

I understand that life is about developing, growing, shifting and changing and becoming the person who you were meant to be. However, I do think that there are some moments where you need to drastically raise your standard and start marching forward.

I’ve been out of practice in many ways.

I’ve been focusing on too many things at once instead of giving my full attention to a couple of things that will really change a lot for me.

I guess this is just a lesson in the difficulties of constantly leveling up your life. You are faced with new challenges and situations that force you to get even better than you were before. I’ve realized that if I’m going to take the next step with my life that I need to bring even more discipline and focus to the table.

What I was doing is not going to cut it anymore.

I have to evolve.

I have to bring in new ideas.

I have to constantly improve upon the process.

This is going to take everything I’ve got to get up this mountain. But I love the climb. I know I can do this. There’s no doubt in my heart and my mind that I can.

I just need to chip away…every day…and finally I will get there.

Focus. Commitment. Every day, decide.

I can.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

 

 

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Planting Some New Seeds

I’ve found myself wandering. Not lost. Just wandering.

I think I’ve pulled off the road. I’ve been looking around, finding myself wandering amongst the trees and listening to whispers within. I’ve been focusing on what’s going on right now. I haven’t wanted to build much of anything. I haven’t wanted to create much of anything.

I just wanted to breathe.

In that, I really discovered how tired I was.

There have been some ideas that have floated through my mind lately that struck a deep chord with me. I’ve thought about the demons that sit within us. I’ve started to really wonder if we really ever get rid of these things that tempt us or we just live above them.

Maybe they will always be there but we have quieted them down so much through persistence and determination that they don’t rise up to rebel.

I’ve thought a lot about what I’ve struggled with in the past and how much that effects me still to this day. I think there have been a few situations that people have brought up topics that I don’t really think about that often and it has sent me back into realizing I need to heal some of those places.

There are stories that haven’t quite been processed.

There are memories that are still causing pain in the background.

This time for me has been a path towards healing in many different areas. I’m healing old wounds, I’m healing my body, and in a sense I’m reclaiming pieces of my heart that I really felt out of touch with. It’s not an easy time, but it’s a necessary one.

I think one of the ways I’ve always gotten myself into trouble is by thinking that whatever was happening for me wasn’t the path…that there was something over there that I should be doing instead.

But the more I get into all of this the more I understand just how valuable these times of struggle are. They help me move forward. They help me understand who I am and what it means to develop. Sure, sometimes shedding the metaphorical skin is an incredibly painful process but you always come out new and refreshed.

So as challenging as this time is, I know it’s good for me.

I know the path has heart in it.

And that’s all that matters.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project 

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Brave Soul, You Are Not Lost

Brave soul, you are not lost. You are being found.

Every step, every movement, every decision and every breath is part of the path. The ups and downs. The contractions. The expansions. It is all part of learning the way. It’s all part of the road you are supposed to follow.

I think I’ve entered into this really interesting space lately. I’ve started to let go of the old way of doing things and begin moving into this new story.

It’s a story of possibility.

It’s a story of wild expansion and adventure.

As I’ve sat here and really tried to understand it, I can see that it can really go a couple of ways. I could continue on down the old path and really do some interesting things there or I could choose a completely unknown one that stands illuminated in front of me.

So I stepped onto those lit stones and started walking.

I think there’s a tendency to want to doubt everything that you’re going through and question whether or not it is the way.

I’ve struggled with that in many ways. Truth is, this sense of freedom and ability go anywhere and do anything is completely new to me. There are no ties. There are no restrictions. So the big question has been for a long time, “Well what do I do with all of this?”

So I’ve put the pen to paper and started generating what I would have to do this year to follow that path. What does it look like along the way? Are there things that I have to do to make things pop? These questions continue to arrive one by one I sit down to answer them.

Then you’re left with whatever was in your heart and mind right in front of you.

Then…you have to decide.

That was the part that was causing me to stumble.

I didn’t necessarily wanted to decide.

The amount of work, the amount of time, the amount of effort seemed daunting. But I forgot something incredibly important.

The payoff.

What is the payoff of all of this?

A ripple. A really…really…really big ripple.

Impact.

Positive vibrations.

A massive rock in the pond. For a long time, I’ve felt like we needed one. We need that energy to begin to engulf and transform all of the other energies out there.

So I looked at myself…”Can you do that?”

The heart whispers yes. 

Ring…ring…ring…

Pick up the damn phone

These callings must be answered.

They have to be answered because I know that they will never stop ringing until I actually acknowledge them fully. And if I don’t? I will continued to be driven mad by them forever…or, even worse…I will enter into a land of regret.

I can’t go there again.

So, I must step right into all of this.

One step at a time. One move at a time. One decision at a time.

Because that ripple will matter. It will make a difference. I am here to make that difference.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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The Steps We Take

The steps we take are ours and ours to take alone.

I’ve been quiet. I’ve been reflecting. A wave came over me these past few days and washed many things away. That’s always a lot for me to take in. There have been heartbreaking moments and I’ve felt ever so deeply through them.

But I don’t show that to many people. Those are my moments. My personal moments. I always keep those to myself because if I share everything I am just a projector putting all of me out there into the world. No many things I keep very close to the heart and no one will ever know about.

In fact, it’s probably most things.

Birthdays have always been hard for me. For one reason or another, they bring up a lot about what has happened throughout my life and I seem to dive into a deeper mode of reflection that normal. I think it’s because I look back onto the past year and really feel into how everything has been going.

I look at the people who have come and gone.

I look at the events that took place, the mistakes I’ve made, the moments of bravery where I really went for it and what I can do to improve.

This year was different in the sense that there was no big adventure right around the corner to distract me from doing this. This year, I really sat in it. I started to ask the tough questions. I admitted my mistakes fully and knew that they were moments where I was out of alignment with my deepest sense of who I am.

So I vowed to never do them again.

All of this, it’s never been about being perfect. From time to time when I get in that mode I remind myself of the intention of why I started everything – I wanted to become a better person every single day.

That’s it.

No perfection.

No impossible standards.

Just raising the bar daily on who I could be, learning as much as I could, and bringing out the best in myself.

So when I make a mistake, it can sometimes bring out this extraordinarily harsh version that loves to absolutely try to tear me apart and bring me down. If I really look at it though, it seems that this side of me has softened over the past few years and now I’m much more compassionate.

But that’s not to say I don’t have my moments.

I’ve thought a lot about the end.

When I say the end I really mean the end. 

When I reach the end of my life, what do I want to see when I look back? Truly, the answer lies in the image of footsteps on a beach. I wanted to see steps taken with courage, love, honesty, compassion and joy. I know there will be times when I tremble and those imprints may be quite shallow in the sand. That’s understandable. But most of the time, I want to show up in the way I know I can.

With love.

The thing that has changed everything for me has been a mindful look at what’s happening in the moment.

These feelings…these thoughts…these energies…are they serving me?

If I act upon them…how will this path go? What can I see? Is making this choice align with the deepest version of who I am?

So I’ve been going slower. I’ve been listening more. I’ve been closing my eyes more and more and seeing as far down the road as I can. That’s made me change my mind a lot about what I’m doing with my life. That’s made me adjust plans and start over and go back to the drawing board again and again and again.

And while others may not be able to keep up with those changes, none of that matters anyways.

Because this is about what I see in my mind. This is not about chasing dreams amongst the stars and fantasizing about what life could be.

This is about visions…

And visions hold something far deeper.

So here’s to courage dear heart.

And to vision.

To everything I could be and all that I am now. I honor that. We are just getting started.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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And We Will Shine Again

Change has always been difficult for me.

I feel so deeply that when things suddenly shift I’m left with all of these scattered feelings. As time has gone on, I’ve embraced change because I know it’s an inevitable fact of life and I can’t do anything to really alter that. But that doesn’t mean it’s not hard for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t continue to feel these things as time goes on.

I do. I really do.

There’s a deep shift taking place in me right now.

With this shift has come a clearing. Many things have exited and there’s a lot of space for many more things to come in. But navigating that…well, that has proved to be pretty heart wrenching at times. It has made me stop and honor all of the memories I have. But it has also made me make sure I am looking after myself.

I spent a lot of time through my life sacrificing who I was to mend situations. Nothing made me feel worse about myself. Deep in my heart I knew what was right and let go of that for one reason or another. When I went against my gut, everything in me felt like it was breaking. I knew better…and I just didn’t listen.

There have been a few of these situations this year where I’ve really gone against what I knew to be right.

My birthday has always made me very reflective. I’ve often spent the day looking back on everything that has happened in my life, what has gone on recently, and started to peer into what’s coming up for me just down the line.

This one has been no different. I think more than anything this one has made me started to consider what it would be like to completely write a brand new chapter. I’ve seen a lot of the old ways of my life still showing up and know that I have to step above them. I have to up my standards for myself and who I am and continue growing and climbing.

But I also know that my heart needs to continue to soften.

I spent so much time hardening up my exterior that as a result I also fortified my heart a bit as well. I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want anyone to have that power over me and so I built myself up. But I lost a lot in that process too. I lost what truly makes me who I am.

I know that I have been showing up in life much more vulnerably, but I also know without a doubt, that I still have a long way to go to heal.

At my core, I’m a lover.

Of course I make mistakes. Of course I am far from perfect (I don’t want to be). But I know that my moral compass points true and that I can be proud of myself.

This year is going to be an interesting year. 28 years old. I never thought I would be here all these years later writing away in the same way I did at 21.

Just goes to show you how crazy life can be.

Let’s see what’s around the corner.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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This Is My Truth

As I close my eyes today, I imagine a heart pierced…pouring out with love, ink, and words down upon fresh white pages.

This is my truth.

I’ve sat here thousands of times writing millions of words. Each day exploring the caves of my heart and coming to a deeper understanding of who I am. It has been a far from perfect process. Some nights I sat wasted on the floor with tears in my eyes. Other days I would sit outside looking across a beautiful view in the forest content as I ever could be. There’s been no right way to do this. There’s only been the way.

I’ve gone through many things.

I’ve faced demons, dragons and giants that scared me to death.

Some crushed me. Others were hollow shadows dancing in the night.

In each of these stories is a lifetime of memories. Memories of the times I have fallen and gotten back up. But the defeats speak to me the greatest. The scars remain, some of them fading from my skin, yet still telling tales of their own.

There are things I will never forget.

I will never forget looking into the pitch black room and quitting on myself. It was the only time I ever really did. I will never forget the thousands of scrolls that run through my mind coming undone and showing me my entire life…and then burning the house down in fear.

I will never forget the people, the memories, the heartbreak and the love that I have felt.

All of these things have built me. They have made me into the person I am today. I am very proud of the man I have become. I have a very long way to go, but I have come so far. I’m far different now than I ever was and that is a miracle in of itself.

There’s great love here.

Love that replaced hate.

Truly…

There’s a love that has bored so deep into the depths of my heart that I have started to face everything with a sense of trust. Trust? I never had that before. I never trusted anything…not even myself. A higher power? Something more? How could there have been something like that all those years ago when I functioned off of hate, anger, jealousy and resentment.

But I see clearer now.

I see that there’s more than living a life clouded by the darkness. There’s a light and it is within me.

I feel now, more than ever, for those who are suffering. I understand their pain more as I have come to understand mine. As hard as it can be for me to constantly answer those calls for help, I know that it’s the difference between life and death for some.

So I answer them.

Always.

Because at one point, someone answered that call for me.

I’ve gone back and discovered more. I’ve sought out wisdom and understanding from the younger version of me. I’ve read his words, have seen where his pain came from, and hold him in a way that is full of compassion. I was wounded back then. Scars bleeding all over my body. I was a warrior, but I was seeking pain.

I am a warrior now.

But of something far deeper.

It has been hard to learn to love myself. Even harder through the mistakes. It’s a constant process and every single day as I sit down to write more and more I discover what that truly means.

Sometimes it takes everything you have to look yourself in the mirror and accept.

Your mind wants to change things. It wants to divide, conquer and compare.

But when I strip it all down, I see a good person. A good heart. A good soul. Someone who wants to heal himself and others. And that’s me. That’s who I am.

A lover.

Nothing else.

I have a lot to learn. It will happen until the day that I die. But I know that this path I am taking is good. It’s full of heart and compassion. It’s full of understanding my mistakes and healing old wounds. There’s no rush to get anywhere. There’s nothing to achieve other than answering my deepest callings.

The phone was ringing for such a long time and I refused to pick it up.

But now I have.

I have with a smile on my face…willing to walk the path.

This is my truth.

Onward we go dear heart.

Onward.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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This Adventure Of Dreams

Shhh…shhhhh…shhhh.

Listen.

Listen to those soft whispers. Listen to the beat within your chest telling you which way to go. The path is illuminated when you clear your mind of all of the stories getting in the way. So see. Feel. Run your fingers along the texture of the way and understand that everything pulling you off that course is simply a distraction.

Commit.

One step at a time.

Continue.

One breath at at time.

For what you saw in your mind and what moved your heart will one day be if you give yourself the opportunity to dig through the earth.

But you have to continue digging in the same place.

You only dig one hole to China at at time.

Things have become clearer and clearer and clearer. What’s even more interesting is that I’ve arrived at this place where I’ve literally said, “There’s no doubt in my mind that this is the way.” This is the path to travel. This is what I need to do every single day to turn this into a reality.

No more distractions.

No more doubts or worries simply because it couldn’t be clearer.

Dig. Here. Over and over and over again until you arrive at this place. It’s going to take years. Keep digging consistently.

I can.

I can do this.

Before, I would whisper it. Now, I speak with certainty. I speak with conviction. Even more, I’ve put it down on paper. I’ve placed the tasks in front of me and have understood the steps that are needed day in and day out in order to see myself standing in the same place I envisioned years down the line.

This deep rooted sense of persistence and determination has been reinvoked. It has risen in my blood from the depths and egged me along to create. My heart almost feels like it’s going through a revolution of sorts.

A revolution it will be.

The work initially intimated me. It worried me. It made me question. But now, I see the work as a wonderful and challenging journey to embark on that will bring out the best in me. It will change me, once again, in ways that continue to help me grow as a man.

Truth is, I’ve already begun. However, putting it down on paper today and sealing it in plastic so I could see it every single day made it that much more real for me. It has made this path more clear.

So I’m ready.

I’m ready to face the trials, tribulations, demons, dungeons, dragons and the wild fields of peace in between it all. I’m ready to discover on this path.

I have one good shot at this. No way am I going to look back on this day and wish I had started.

I have…and I will continue.

I can. I must.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

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