Ellie Di Julio's Blog, page 3

Noticing.Twenty-Six

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lam 3:22-23 ESV) I rebuild the extinguished bonfire, driving back the dark, forcing the wolf to retreat. The circle of light around my camp is small but growing. I add more wood. More whipping cream. I bolt from the classroom without explanation. I forgot to call the doctor’s office. They squeeze me in for the last appointment of the day. I know what she’s g...

Noticing.Twenty-Five

She cries at midnight. My feet are on the floor before I’m actually awake despite not having to go to her in the middle of the night for months. I wonder if that training ever fades. I mistake the sound of summer breeze in leaves for rain several times as I lay in bed. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve heard that sound outside my window. “I’m grieved over the desert my fiction world has become, how dark its skies. I feel like part of me is broken or paralyzed–numb but visible, a reminder...

Noticing.Twenty-Four

We talk about things you shouldn’t talk about before 7am. Identity politics. Call-out culture. Judgement versus information. Which side of the sidewalk you should default to when someone’s coming at you. It’s soul-healing to talk about more than schedules, bank accounts, and work. I didn’t make the team. I’m not sure if I’m disappointed or relieved; I can come up with lots of reasons for both. Time being chief among them. Then again, I did agree to a book doula project last night, sooo…. The...

Noticing.Twenty-Three

Rabbit, rabbit. I’m running slow after last night’s body adventure. 80% is enough. It has to be. Grateful for both the mercy of a mild episode and for the coffee sitting well. The end of the school year looms near enough to touch, hazy and dark. In previous summers, I had a meatloaf and then a doorstop, neither of which had expectations or much energy. Now there’s both, and momma doesn’t do well with spontaneity or large swathes of empty time. I’m learning how to parent by experience. Which...

Noticing.Twenty-Two

Three days of going to bed after 10pm makes me feel like sluggish garbage. I’d turn in earlier, but I’m trying to be social; I’d sleep later, but I need my morning sanctuary. Still a little distressed after how difficult it was writing yesterday. The Evil Auctioneer clears his throat and steps up to the mic. I used to love watching the clouds roll in, anticipating the sounds and sights and smells of a summer storm. Now, all it means is a day trapped inside with a helium ion pretending to be...

Seriousness is not a fruit of the spirit

Somewhere along the line, I got the idea that in order for God to approve of me, I had to read nothing but Scripture, do nothing but pray, and listen to nothing but worship music. That if I watched Supernatural or read Terry Pratchett or dropped an F-bomb, I’d be out. Or at least be on the receiving end of a divinely disappointed tsk-tsk.

It wasn’t until I came back to writing that I noticed how narrow I’d become. Reentering the world of fiction seemed impossible. It’s pagan mythology and da...

Noticing.Twenty-One

Slept in to make up for watching too many (read: two) episodes of Brooklyn 99 last night. Hey, season five just dropped on Netflix, don’t judge me. “Iron entered into his soul” (Ps 105:18 Heb). Our chains can make our hearts hard, but we can also draw strength from them for when we’re set free. I leave her in bed for nearly an hour after she’s awake. She’s so content snuggle her babies, chat to herself, and get up and lay down again, luxuriating in the morning. A twinge of jealousy. Flower b...

Noticing.Twenty

Not today, Satan. I finish another devotional draft, taking a third swing at Proverbs 31, a swathe of scripture that’s tender for me in a bad way. I’m learning a lot about devotional writing and about myself. Choosing silence over sound, at least for a little while. I wish there was a dishwasher specifically for Tupperware. “Not craftsmen, my lord” he said. “I have no use for people who have learned the limits of the possible.” — Leonard de Quirm, from The Last Hero by Terry Pratchett The po...

Noticing.Nineteen

Stressful dreams about sickness and a mid-REM alarm. I could sleep in another hour, but I force myself out of bed. The words don’t write themselves. Apply coffee liberally. Deciding how to allocate the tax refund is an awkward dance between responsibility and retail therapy. I will not endlessly refresh my inbox to see if I made the team. I will not endlessly…. “Jesus is the one person who can tell us what God is like, and what God means us to be.” — William Barclay 7:30 babyup means I journ...

Noticing.Eighteen

I missed yesterday due to the good kind of busy. I feel guilt but also freedom. Streaks are great, but no one is upset. Fresh mercies every day. I love the look on people’s faces when I tell them what time I get up. It’s extra funny because I wish I could get up earlier. Nalo Hopkinson on Levar Burton Reads : “I was quite old. My first short story was published in ’98, so…27, 28 years old? So it’s never too late to start.” Tears of the wrong sort. The swim diaper I bought her is too big; the...