Ellie Di Julio's Blog, page 4
May 25, 2018
Noticing.Seventeen
Provision: what I see when I balance the books. It’s never extravagant or immediate, but it’s always what we need, when we need it. Today, I’m that parent at the drop-in center who’s constantly looking at their phone. Kids’ antibiotics taste way better now than when I caught bronchitis every year. Fishing versus catching. Her first scraped knee. “Summer” is a misnomer. It should be called “The Season When You Shower Three Times a Day.” Today, I’m also that parent who brings their toddler int...
May 24, 2018
Noticing.Sixteen
Oh, thank you, God, she woke up happy. I’ll take an early happy wakeup over a late grumpasaurus one any day. We’re probably always sick because I don’t stop kissing her face or eating her leftovers no matter how many boogers she’s got. Also possible: My unspeakable theory about coffee doing bad things to my system could be true. I SENT IT IN OMG NOW I HAVE TO WAIT A WEEK WHAT IS TIME I’m not one to worry much about the messaging in Disney movies, but that “Fixer Upper” song is doin’ me a con...
May 23, 2018
Noticing.Fifteen
The backyard looks like a rainforest, lush and green after all this spring rain. I hadn’t realized how much I missed having a yard until now. It’s been over ten years. I offer him a solution that used to be the bane of our marriage. This time it’s the right idea at the right time for the right reason. The ease of conversation and intangible closeness are proof. She wakes up with a fever and fiery attitude to match. We have to stay home. I lose my writing day. Furious with disappointment, fru...
May 22, 2018
Noticing.Fourteen
How do you spell 14? How many Us? Why didn’t I just use numbers like a normal person. A smoother night, despite the fireworks. A smoother morning. Forecast says it’s the last cool day before summer starts in earnest. Highs over 25C/77F starting tomorrow. My body is ready. I tiptoe into the secret place, write my heart out before God, scribble two article ideas onto notecards, and begin studying Matthew all before she starts to stir. Precious time for my soul. I never could get the hang of ho...
May 21, 2018
Noticing.Thirteen
I sleep in an extra hour. She woke up at 2:30am, standing in her crib chatting to herself, falling back asleep after nearly an hour. I can’t. Sunlight sneaks around the half-pulled curtain and tilted box fan to play on the wall. It’s the shade of gold I think of as New Mexico. I sit down to my prayer journal for the first time in a week, ashamed but needing it so badly. The monitor pops on. She’s standing. I start crying. Mourning the loss of time, railing against the increasing friction bet...
May 20, 2018
Noticing.Twelve
Sundays are the hardest for noticing practice. Up early, rush in, full day, squeezing in time with him before the workday disappearance. Emphasize honor over obedience. All God’s laws hang on relationship. Ours should, too. Impostor syndrome cranks to 11 as I read the application questions. I’m struggling to write one devotional for my home church with a small following; how dare I think I can compete to write 12 for a magazine with a large following? Her nap is one for the (bad) books. I ha...
May 19, 2018
Noticing.Eleven
Rain, rain, go away. Come again when you’re warm and fat and all dolled up with thunder. No mud, no lotus :: no cream, no coffee. Thinking about the difference between expectation and hope. She’s been waking up crying. It’s anguished but not urgent–more mad about being awake than needing anything. It’s the change from cheerful, excited babble that makes me sad. I wonder if it’s an extension of the toddler attitude, a pissiness so chronic it comes out in her sleep. Devotionals is the hardest...
May 18, 2018
Noticing.Ten
Red sky in morning…. There they are. The lines at my throat that announce the thinning of youth, faint to anyone else, deep crevices to me. I think about my mother’s skin, her face and hands. How beautiful she has always been to me as she ages. Still no grey hairs, though. Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. — Zen proverb When David was anointed king of Israel, he didn’t storm the palace and demand the throne. He went back to the pasture...
Love is a (nearly) useless word
Confession: I hate the word “love” the way some people hate the word “moist.”
Mooooooiiiiiist.
It’s not that I’m a cold-hearted skeptic. I certainly feel love, in some cases more deeply than I understand. My problem is that because of the way we use “love” in modern, English-speaking culture, the word is essentially meaningless. And when words don’t have meaning, they have no power, and since love is arguably the most powerful force in all of creation, it irks me that we’ve diluted it with o...
May 17, 2018
Noticing.Nine
My entire morning writing is taken up with prayers of releasing. My resentment, my hurt, my exasperation at problems nurtured too long. This burden is not mine to carry. I decide to give him his birthday present early. He’s got a hard day ahead, and he’ll need it. I’d wanted to commission a calligrapher but designed it myself instead for the worst reason (money). Ignoring that evil voice that tells me it’s worthless because I used a computer. Rak chazak: be strong and courageous. Listening t...
