Ellie Di Julio's Blog, page 5

Noticing.Eight

Her foot is stuck in the crib slats. Four injuries in four days. I’m mad at myself for being mad at her. The smell of sawdust and fresh paint. The clatter and whir of tools. The physical space is taking shape around me as I try to shape the space inside. There’s nothing happening that merits a real post, which means it’s time for actual material, to start writing up the idea snippets I’ve tucked away for two years. Resistance is heavy and high. Who am I to say ________? There’s never enough...

Noticing.Seven

The tangy scent of ozone and a whiff of thunder as the sun rises. Summer is coming. Weeping over God’s both/and-ness Her lip is swollen like an overfed tick, her gums purple. I don’t let my face betray how bad hers looks. Inside, I’m sobbing. She’s smiling like nothing ever happened. Please don’t let this be her first dentist visit. She chokes on cereal at school. I have to bend her over, pound her back as her face gets red and no sound comes out. The soggy square plops onto the tile. She cr...

Noticing.Six

My morning quiet time seems to expand and contract based on the worthiness of how I’m spending it. All signs point to Matthew. “Earth’s crammed with heaven,/And every common bush afire with God” — Elizabeth Barrett Browning School or library? Library or school? Why not both? We stand at the front of the classroom excitedly talking about seasons, timing, and how you know when to move on. God’s name drops several times. I feel other women’s eyes on us. I wonder if they’re annoyed or interested...

Noticing.Five

All I want for Mother’s Day is to not have to be in charge of anything. No grocery shopping, no chores, no schedules, no finances, no cooking. That and a frosty glass of dry cider. He chooses me regardless of how petty, stupid, or dramatic I’m being (which is a lot lately). Again and again. Every time. Trying to learn the difference between offering my expertise and acting too big for my britches . What if I could look at myself—my body, my heart, my mind, my soul—the way God sees me? I alre...

Noticing. Five

All I want for Mother’s Day is to not have to be in charge of anything. No grocery shopping, no chores, no schedules, no finances, no cooking. That and a frosty glass of dry cider. He chooses me regardless of how petty, stupid, or dramatic I’m being (which is a lot lately). Again and again. Every time. Trying to learn the difference between offering my expertise and acting too big for my britches . What if I could look at myself—my body, my heart, my mind, my soul—the way God sees me? I alre...

Noticing.Four

1. I always wake up at 3:30am and 15 minutes before my alarm, no matter what time it’s set to go off.

2. Party day. Moving from the park to our house doubled the prep, but I got it all done. Somehow.

3. Laying in the early morning dark, releasing my resentment over being lonely and yet never alone. I don’t want it tainting our precious time together.

4. Mercy and grace are love in action.

5. Sick of all this sickness.

6. I’m afraid no one will come (or that no one should come). I’m more scarr...

Noticing.Three

1. Of course this morning is one of those when she looks bigger when I get her up than when I put her to bed.

2. Two.

3. I hope we can get through this one specific day without discipline.

4. Had hoped.

5. There’s a rare ease in us both as we tool around the toy store and thrift store that’s so welcome. Unhurried, unplanned, unbothered. I wish more days were like this.

6. I Have No Idea What to Make for Dinner: The Ellie Di Julio Story

7. A century-old recipe for chocolate cake, half again, p...

Noticing.Two

I justify buying a Tim’s (medium, dark roast, triple-triple) by telling myself  I’m sick so I need the caffeine to help me focus on writing. Nevermind I’ve already had three cups of half-caff before 9am. There was a time when I didn’t have to worry about leaving change in the cup holder. Writing feels clumsy to me still. I push through. I don’t so much regret eating pancakes for breakfast as I regret not eating more of them so I could balance how gross I feel with at least being full. Cyclin...

Writer, train thyself

Ever forget how to tie your shoes? Like, actually forgotten? Looked down at your shoes, laces in your hands, knowing full well you’ve done it so many thousands of times in your life that it’s nearly as automatic as breathing, and for some reason, this time, you physically cannot do it? Can’t even fathom how these floppy pieces of fabric  mesh together into a security system for your feet?

I mean, not that that’s ever happened to me, of course. But in theory. *ahem*

The other day, I realized...

Noticing.One

This is a new thing I’m trying: noticing practice. I borrowed the format from Alisha Sommer who borrowed it from Marie Howe. Steal like an artist, right? Getting up early is easier when the sun is up too. 5:30am is different in May than in January. That feeling when you buy the wrong cold medicine and are so busy momming that you don’t realize it isn’t working until two days later. The whole day is different when things go smooth. Obviously. There’s no way she’ll be two on Thursday. Surely s...