Ellie Di Julio's Blog, page 2
June 15, 2018
Noticing.Thirty-Four
Listening to Barenaked Ladies in the kitchen, I realize I understand the songs completely differently now that I live in Canada. I actually know what a hydro field is and have an opinion about Swiss Chalet. A reminder that understanding is about where you’re standing. Guilt for missing two posts. But the moments that displaced them were more edifying than whatever navel-gazing prose I would’ve written. Counting it as gain. It shouldn’t be this hard to find a toy kitchen that fits in our hous...
June 13, 2018
Noticing.Thirty-Three
I stir before the alarm goes off. 5:15. Rearranging my blanket nest, my hand brushes my thigh and even in my pre-awake fog, I sense its difference. Tighter. Smoother. The evidence of strength through persistence. There’s a flutter in my gut–maybe I won’t be broken forever. Ironic, given that I can’t go to the gym today. It seems odd to write a cover letter and skills-based resume for a low-level, hourly job. The process is weirdly discouraging. It gives me compassion for those hunting daily...
A note about being vulnerable on the internet
There is a subtle pressure to not be yourself on the internet. It’s most obvious in the “convert or die” atmosphere of social media, regardless of which side you’re on (or, God forbid, if you’re in the middle), but that isn’t what stops the majority of people from speaking up.
It’s the family and friends who ask if you’re okay because your posts make them worry about your sanity and safety.
It’s the “thought leaders” and positivity mongers that you’re compared to and found wanting.
It’s the...
June 11, 2018
Noticing.Thirty-Two
She talked in her sleep for the first time last night. Sat up, said, “I need help,” in the sweetest, quietest voice, then turned around in her bed like a puppy and went straight back to sleep. Adorable. I’m tenderhearted in the wake of breakthrough. It’s my favourite phase in my spiritual journey; I’m wide open to hear, see, feel, and know God in deeper, more intimate ways. But it doesn’t last. All the more precious for its brevity. Finally submitting to the instinct that I need to cut input...
June 10, 2018
Noticing.Thirty-One
Dreaming about swimming through tight cavern spaces with barely enough room for an air pocket. I watch my claustrophobic brother glide through the same tunnel as if it were the open ocean. It’s some kind of field trip; there are people everywhere. I’m pulled under as part of the experience. Dolphins and whales pass all around. I jolt from sleep as if it were a nightmare. And then the alarm goes off. I put on a full face (minus lipstick–I don’t own any), even liner and shadow, which I never w...
June 9, 2018
Noticing.Thirty
On my face, talking out loud to God, for the first time in what I realize is half a year. My prayers sound casual but cut deep–simple language for complex heartaches. Another turn of the spiral. Another corner of the secret place. Coffee on the back porch accompanied by the buzz of the city waking up and the cat scratching on the inside of the kitchen window. Dysmorphia. What I see in the mirror is not what’s there. I want to be beautiful, but I’m not willing to stretch beyond the comfortabl...
June 8, 2018
Noticing.Twenty-Nine
Uninterrupted sleep. I sneak in to make sure she’s breathing. The 5:30 light on the back porch is so saturated with shadows it looks like Rembrandt dreamed it. I consider washing the kitchen window to see it better but decide I like the filter. My last words to him are critical. My intent is to improve, not deride, but that’s not what he hears. I see it in his shoulders as he heads down the steps. But I don’t apologize. I’m not really sure how to. She wakes up smiling and laughing like she h...
June 7, 2018
Noticing.Twenty-Eight
A familiar mixture of bittersweet emotion bubbles up as I hold her heavy, sleeping body against my chest in her dark room, drifting off myself. More flashbacks to those first months when we were both borderline insane. He works from home today. Even though he can’t play with us, his presence throughout the day tangibly changes the atmosphere. All of us feel lighter, more whole. She tries to run down the steep hill after a chipmunk, then another, then a blue jay. She stumbles and I catch her...
June 6, 2018
Noticing.Twenty-Seven
He goes in late on Wednesdays. We sit with coffee. It’s a few minutes stolen from the workweek, from the sensation of ships passing in the night. For a little while, we feel normal. And then she cries. I rock her as best I can, her arms around my neck, her steady-rising chest on mine, her knees in my hips, her toes stretching the length of my thighs. How did she get so big? He forgot the trash. It’s not possible that the bank’s math and my math are both right. This is my fault I can’t be tru...
State of the Ellie: June 2018
It’s that time again! Here’s my monthly overshare on everything worth knowing in my wee corner of the universe.
Body: The gym is going great! Way better than anticipated, actually. I figured after the shiny had worn off, I’d go back to my old exercise-hating ways, but that hasn’t happened yet. With the exception of a few sick days (Mack and I both got a vicious poop bug immediately followed by a nasty cold), I’ve been able to make it twice a week, every week, and it’s making a difference. Al...
