Leandra Medine's Blog, page 88

Changing My Life Didn’t Change Me as Much as I Thought It Would

Whether you’re on the cusp of change, fresh off a big one, or somersaulting through some as we speak, the below story, originally published in August of 2018, might serve as a relatable reminder that change rarely feels how you expect.

It’s been two and half years since I left my corporate job and moved to New York to be a writer. It’s an idealized trajectory in America, maybe everywhere, and one I wrote about a lot as I went through it. I even encouraged others to follow suit. It made sense to me at the time; why shouldn’t we all follow our dreams?

Before I took the leap myself, I’d spent years pondering why I wanted to. Was it a calling? Was it proverbial greener grass? Maybe I was just 26. But when I finally mustered up the courage to do it and felt the wind in my hair and the swoop in my stomach, it was hard to imagine a reality where I shouldn’t have. As I skipped through the streets of New York, fear and thrill radiating off my skin, I felt like the leaping proof of concept. I wanted others to feel it too! I can see now that, beyond feeling fulfilled by my new life, I felt validated for my years of wanting one. It wasn’t until recently that I started pondering the difference. How would I have felt had it all gone wrong?

Every so often, the details of my former life pass through me like a ghost. The beam of sunlight that settled on my desk every afternoon at my old job. The sprawling stretch of 3rd Street I’d stare at during particularly long work calls. The way my cat meowed through the window of my Nopa garden apartment every time I returned home. The clang of the front gate as I let my two best friends in before running back inside in my socks. The meditative drive down the California coast to visit my parents, and the warm, familiar smell of my childhood home, now home to strangers.

How could it be that, although everything’s changed, my mood is still the same?

As the days since I lived in San Francisco stretch into the thousands, my perception of it all is still evolving. Why did I leave, really? What exactly did I leave behind? Was leaving brave? Fearful? Honorable? Arbitrary? I may have followed my dreams, but I left another kind of dream, too. Maybe dreams can be vast and fickle like that. Maybe I can be, too.

Earlier this summer, it occurred to me that, despite uprooting my life in pursuit of more and finding it, I’m not sure the emotional tenor of my life has changed all that much. Hard days and incredible days still punctuate the ones that transpire as expected; eagerness and trepidation still inform my perception of the future; moments of insecurity still mix with feelings of self-assuredness. How could it be that, although everything’s changed, my mood is still the same?

I recently learned about a psychological theory called the hedonic treadmill. Coined by two psychologists in the 70s, the hedonic treadmill refers to “the observed tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.” In other words, we adapt. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology, named this our “happiness set point”—a natural disposition we return to, regardless of circumstance. Some theorize that our neurochemical processes actually prevent us from experiencing sustained positive or negative emotions at all.

You can stay, hide, run, leap, but you’ll still just be you.

It begs the question: If not sustained happiness, what are all of us actually pursuing? If the details of our lives can drastically change without drastically changing us, how do we identify what we truly want? All of it lends new depth to an expression I’ve always loved: Wherever you go, there you are. You can stay, hide, run, leap, but you’ll still just be you: corny jokes, impatience, morning grouchiness and all.

We live in a society that idolizes the hustle—for money, recognition, fame, dreams, wellness—but we also have evidence in spades that none of these things in excess solve the happiness equation. Exorbitantly rich celebrities still fuck up, oversleep, get divorced, relapse, want more, are insecure, feel lost, choose wrong, act cranky. These things are just part of human existence. I think that truth is often lost in the capitalist ideas we’re sold about the value of risking everything, going after what we want, and amassing wealth and recognition.

No part of me regrets following my dreams. I have so much gratitude for the version of me that dared to take a leap. I also feel privileged I had the resources to seek out a sense of fulfillment and purpose—and the luck to find it. But I’m also increasingly aware that there was plenty about my former life that made me feel grateful, too. And that I probably could have found a sense of fulfillment and purpose there also, if just another kind.

People often ask me for advice about leaving cities, careers, or relationships that don’t feel right, and while I’m still a believer in listening to gut feelings, I’m becoming more open to the idea that perception can shift without seismic uprooting, that big life changes don’t always change us, and that, more than anything else, we will always be ourselves. In that vein, I think it’s worth asking yourself: What makes you happiest as you are now? Because no matter where you go, that will likely never change.

Photo by DeAgostini via Getty Images.

The post Changing My Life Didn’t Change Me as Much as I Thought It Would appeared first on Man Repeller.

How Does One “Grow Up”?

Maybe the problem is that we gave it a direction. Up. You cannot simply grow, you must grow up. Along with pencil notches on a door frame and candles on a cake, your wisdom and ferocity and velocity must increase as you age. You must fire on an expanding number of cylinders lest your life take on the sallow tinge of arrested development. Become sad, slow, behind. That’s how it feels sometimes to get older—like you’re only as good as your last achievement. Like detours are a distraction instead of the whole game.

But anyone who’s reached adulthood knows that growth doesn’t progress like a ticking clock. More often it means horrible missteps and innocence loss and broken zippers. It moves backwards, sideways, and inwards, finding new and rude ways to humble us. Most of the time, it feels good only in hindsight, like a hard run. And sometimes it doubles back on itself many times before it emerges as something remotely useful. And even then, we might forget what it taught us. Move back home, get lost, find ourselves, get lost again, be better for it. Ad infinitum.

We know all this intellectually—we’ve seen the cutesy line chart, the straight line representing “what people think success looks like,” the tangled mess of a line representing “what success really looks like.” But it’s different from knowing it in our bones. And aligning our senses of self to the inalienable truth that progress often means making a huge, disastrous mess.

Growing up. Can you grow down? Laterally? Can you regress and then grow as a direct result of that regression? Can you grow in a bad way? In the wrong way? Can you grow by learning, and then grow again by unlearning what you learned the first time? Are those both growth? Is my stiff chin hair growing up or growing to be a nuisance? Semi-unrelated, or isn’t it?

This month on Man Repeller, we’ll be diving into the complicated pool of human progress: Growing up. We’ll be exploring how it feels compared to how it looks, what it smells like, what it sounds like, why it never works the way we expect it to, and why that’s interesting. We’ll be talking about the upsides and the downsides and the hindsights, and the beauty of growing up over and over, regardless of your age. If there’s something you’d like to see us cover, or cover yourself, drop it in the comments below. And if you’ve never made a comment on Man Repeller, maybe this is your chance. It’d be kind of fitting, wouldn’t it?

Graphic by Dasha Faires; Photographed  by 

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In Which My Mom Ranks My Best and Worst Tattoos

I got my first tattoo on February 19, 2000, a week after my 18th birthday. Tattooing was illegal in South Carolina at the time, where I lived, so I knew I’d need to drive 90 miles north to North Carolina to get it. My dad was on board, but I had to beg and plead with my mom—it never occurred to me to go against her wishes. When she finally agreed, my dad drove me to a trailer right on the North Carolina/South Carolina border with metal siding and a neon sign that said, “Closest tats to SC!”

I arrived with my design in hand: a crown that looked dangerously similar to the Hallmark logo (in that it was the Hallmark logo) with “Princess” written in a bold cursive font found on Microsoft Word underneath it. A biker put me in a chair and told me if I twitched or moved, he’d leave me with ½ a tattoo and make me pay for the whole thing. Paul, my dad, chuckled the entire time. I left feeling like a grown-ass woman—a Queen if you will—even though I was sporting a tattoo that said otherwise.

In hindsight, my parents are the fucking coolest. A lot of my friends hid their first tattoos until they flew the coop, and there I was, crossing state lines with my dad to get mine done. And yet, 20 tattoos later, my mom is still shocked every time I get a new one. Curious to see where she stands on all my body art today, I asked for her honest appraisals of some of my best and worst tattoos. Below, meet the inimitable Lydia Delores Anderson, first of her name, thrower of precision shade, holder of the hottest of takes. If you know my mom, you know she’s never short on absurd anecdotes or quotes or general advice that is either life-changing or makes zero sense.

1. The aforementioned PRINCESS tramp stamp, age 18

Mom and I are having a text convo about my tats. I remind her that she told me when I was 18 that I ran the risk of being paralyzed if the tattoo needle went into my spine. (1. Lydia is not a doctor and 2. that risk is literally not a possibility!) When I ask her what she thinks about it she says she’s fine with it now, because you can’t see it with clothes on and that it represented who I was at that time. Can’t tell if that’s shade or not, but here we are….

2. The crucifix tattoo on my ankle, age 22

Obviously me and every other elder millennial has this tattoo after seeing early-aughts haute gal Nicole Richie with her version. I switched mine up a bit and got my family’s names all tattooed around my ankle like links on a chain. Lyds of course likes this one the most because “it has my name on it.” My mom is vain and ridiculous.

3. “The World is Mine” Scarface tattoo between my shoulder blades, age 23

I really hate this tattoo. It’s of the “The World is Mine” sculpture in the film Scarface and it’s my least favorite of the whole lot. I still don’t know why I got it. I think I had this convoluted idea that it was to celebrate my Italian heritage, but spoiler alert, Tony was Cuban and the movie was violent and I’m an idiot. Also, the hand on this tattoo looks like it belongs to the Crypt Keeper and the globe is not the least bit geographically accurate. Like not even a little bit. Not a spoiler alert, because everyone saw this one coming: Mama HATES this tattoo. Also she has jokes! “Not a fan, and the world isn’t yours, it’s ours.”

4. “Stay Woke” on the top of my left wrist, age 34

I mean, this phrase really resonated with me when I got it, but then got ran into the ground, so I’m now thinking about getting it covered up. I’ve never asked my mom about this one, so I’m intrigued to see what she has to say! She is nothing if not a political junkie and believer in creating a better world for black folks, so I think she might be down for this one. (Three minutes pass, enough time for her to craft a sweet and shady response.) Yup, as I thought: She loves this one because of the social justice significance, but says she’d love it more if I had none of the rest.

5. My weird tribal-ish hand tat, age 35

I dunno, I can take or leave this guy. I got it when I was on vacation in Utah. All of my friends went to Colorado for the day to check out the legal weed and, as a non-smoker, I had to find something to occupy my time. An hour later I ended up with this. I don’t dislike it, per se, I just don’t care about it. Lydia does not mince words: “No, definitely not. You didn’t tell me you were getting it and I thought it would hinder you from getting a job.” My mom thinks I’m an investment banker or a hand model, you guys. Also, she double-replies to let me know that she’s just waiting patiently through this exercise so that I can show her my knuckle tattoos and she can then unleash the fury of 1000 tongues on me.

6. Alfred E. Newman of Mad magazine, age 33

I got this as an ode to my Dad. He loves Mad magazine and always wanted this tattoo but Mama Anderson forbade him. So I decided to get it for two reasons: 1. To honor him by getting something inked that meant so much to him, and also have him hand write this phrase that he said every morning before I left for school: “Don’t take any wooden nickels” and 2. To get under my Mom’s skin, lol. It didn’t work because she really, really loves this one. She loves how much it means to my dad and how much pain I went through to honor him in that way. That said, I know she’s a little annoyed that she loves it so much.

7. “High Life” tattooed across my knuckles, age 38

I joke a lot about my mom being a shade queen, but she has always given me the freedom to express myself both in how I speak and how I present myself visually. My parents let me wear whatever I wanted growing up—no matter how kooky—and let me be my truest self (including speaking exclusively in an English accent for weeks when I was seven). So while the tattoos annoy her, she never gives me too much grief about them.

That said, while I was sitting in the tattoo chair for this one, I knew she was going to be pissed. We always have a tattoo agreement that stretches and shifts after every new bit of ink. First it was, “Okay, get ‘em as long as they are on your back and can be covered with clothes,” then it was, “It’s fine as long as your sleeves can cover the ones on your arms,” and so on and so forth until we reached: “For the love of god, Crystal, please, please, please no face, neck, or knuckle tattoos.”

Cut to my hand tats. I got my High Life tattoo in New Orleans and was actually scared to tell her, so I did what any self-respecting kid would do: I posted it on Instagram and waited for the call…..but alas, no call came. What did come was a video that my sister took the moment mom found out: You can see the utter confusion and dread overcome my mom’s face and hear my sister cackling in the background while my mom shrieks, “Is this real? This isn’t real! Why the hell would she do that?!” Then you see her reach for her phone to give me more than a piece of her mind. Sounds awful, but is truly hilarious.

Which is to say: Lydia says she hates this one, not because of the words but because I look like I just got out of the clink (her words): “I mean, Christina, you need to grow up and do better. Gal, why would you do that? You know what…I know what the issue is! You have too much money. That’s the problem.” (My mom calls me Christina sometimes and that is NOT my name. Never has been.)

I know she means well and isn’t being mean—she’s just old school and southern and thinks the tattoo is unladylike, but surely she knows I’m not a “lady” by now.

I wanna thank Lydia a.k.a. Mama a.k.a. Lyds for being so sweet and amazing and down to walk down memory lane with me on this. I shall repay her by never getting a face tattoo. But also, like, never say never, ammirite?

The post In Which My Mom Ranks My Best and Worst Tattoos appeared first on Man Repeller.

These Two Tennis Stars Are Serving Looks

Last year, after a few years of watching tennis and finding that, as my interest in watching grew, the watching was becoming, in a strange way, not quite enough, I decided I was going to start playing tennis, too. I haven’t played a sport since I quit soccer to meander around the mall at around 15, so this was a surprise to both myself and my loved ones.

I’m just now realizing that dressing-before-doing is a running theme for me, but, yes, anyway, before I took my first proper lesson I thought a lot about what I would wear. There’s a gulf between the sweet and simple mid-century court styles I gravitate toward emotionally and the techy, logo-slapped performancewear nearly all tennis pros wear today. Almost no one is making a current version of the vintage-y stuff well right now (I said almost, Tory Sport!) and I just don’t like how the newer, logo-maniacal stuff makes me feel like somebody’s billboard.

Additionally! If you’d like to hear my rant about the number of women’s tennis shorts with pockets that are 1/8th of an inch too small to fit a tennis ball in them you need only buy me exactly one drink.

Osaka had both Kobe Bryant and Colin Kaepernick in her support box this week, NBD.

This is all to say that I know how hard it is to find something cool—acceptable, even—to wear to play tennis in the year 2019. But two of the sport’s most exciting new stars, Coco Gauff and Naomi Osaka, have done it on the courts of the U.S. Open this week in their own distinct ways. And I’ve been taking notes….

First: Naomi Osaka, defending champ, has been wearing a blessed collaboration between NikeCourt and Sacai. Every Nike x Sacai piece I’ve ever seen has been a pleasure to watch in motion—there’s something that Sacai designer Chitose Abe understands about inertia that I don’t think any other fashion designer does. Combine this with the pleasure of watching Osaka’s punishing forehand and you have yourself an experience that feels like witnessing a magician’s final flourish on an infinite loop.

(Now go ahead and scroll back up to the top of this article to admire the nails.)

Meanwhile, 15-year-old wunderkind Coco Gauff has taken an approach to style that’s less visceral and more narrative-driven. For her apparel, New Balance and Gitman Brothers took aerial shots of public courts in New York and used those images to create a pattern that’s printed onto a tank and matching skort. Gauff told Hypebeast that as an athlete who came up playing on public courts herself, the design isn’t just visually pleasing to her, it’s an important part of her story, too. And that story—one of increasing inclusiveness in a sport that has for so long felt exclusive to many—is one that everyone should be thrilled to see at the US Open, however dizzyingly fast it whizzes by.

As for me, I am inspired, but no closer to a tennis style persona of my own. This is probably for the best. Experts, more than one, have suggested that I prioritize improving my backhand anyway.

Feature photo via Getty Images.

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45+ Labor Day Sales That Are Going to Make Your Weekend

I don’t know why we do New Year’s resolutions on January 1st. I mean, I do, but I think they’d feel right at home around the first day of the new school year (I’m still clearly in denial I am not a student). I always crave freshness when this seasonal transition starts, and man, does Labor Day Sale Szn come right on time. Below, I’ve rounded up the best fashion, beauty, and home sales to kickstart all your New [School] Year, New You ambitions.

Clothing and Accessories

Ah! My favorite category since the wee age of 6. I remember heading to first grade in a school-girl skirt from The Children’s Place, knee-high socks and a white button down shirt (it was still 80 degrees btw). First and foremost, I must alert you that The RealReal is doing up to 70% off for Labor Day. If you’re a size 8 shoe, you’re in luck with these and if you’re a size 10, these. Perhaps you would like a fine tweed jacket? This one is $45.

I am personally gearing up for cozy weather with Barneys’ and Nordstrom’s sales which are 25% off and 40% off sale, respectively. I’m eyeing this amazing Isabel Marant Etoile half-zip sweater from Barneys and these perfect lounge pants from Nordstrom. I like shoes more than anything in the world (jk, mom!) and these patent red driving shoes from M.Gemi (who’s doing an extra 15-20% off select styles) will look so good—too good!—with a pair of wool-blend trousers or straight leg jeans. I also fancy these Tory Burch platforms from Bloomingdale’s sale and these OTK boots from Coach. Stutterheim—aka the maker of the best raincoats ever—is doing a snazzy sale that’s up to 70% off. I highly recommend this guy, which my mom and I both have. (Hi again, mom.) Speaking of jackets—I’ll wear this Veda blazer with their tie-dye shirt and a pair of shorts rn and with plaid trousers l8r. Or maybe this striped one from Sandro? Maybe both? ModCloth has been a long time favorite for fun statement pieces. I have this tweed vest in my cart. MNZ is having a freaking FLASH SALE. Get it while it’s hot hot hot. Good American is practically fr33 at 70% off, kids. Oh and don’t sleep on Staud’s limited-time sale section.

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The RealReal: Up to 70% off

Barneys: Extra 25% off sale items with code SALE25

Nordstrom: Up to 40% off select items

Bloomingdales: Extra 25% off sale items

Saks Fifth Avenue: Extra 25% off sale items with code EXTRA25

Bergdorf Goodman: Up to 40% off select items

Staud: Discounts in website sale section

Kate Spade: Extra 30% off sale items with code TAKETHECAKE

Coach: Up to 50% off select shoes and accessories

Adidas: 30% off apparel, shoes, and accessories, including sale items with code SPORT30

Carbon38: 40% off all sale styles with code BYESUMMER

Stutterheim: Up to 70% off

Veda: Additional 25% off Spring and Summer styles with code SUMMERFOREVER

M.Gemi: Extra 15-20% off its discounted ‘Before They Go’ section

ModCloth: 30% off regular pricing, 40% off markdowns

Good American: up to 70% off select styles

Jordache: Up to 70% off

Loeffler Randall: 40% off select styles

Maryam Nassir Zadeh: Additional 15% off sale pieces with code ENDOFDAYS, ends Saturday

Lisa Says Gah: 15% off site-wide with code LABORDAY

Warm: Extra 20% off summer sale with code warmlove20

Sydney Brown: Up to 70% off

Eberjey: 40% off select swim, PJ, lingerie, loungewear, & MINI styles

Jade Swim: 40% off site-wide with code LABORJADE

The GREAT: 20% off select styles with code BYESUMMER2019

Sandro: Up to 70% off summer styles, plus an additional 20% off

Maje: Up to 70% off summer styles, plus an additional 20% off

BaubleBar: Up to 80% off

AMO: Additional 20% off all sale items with code SALE20

Apiece Apart: 30% off select pieces with code GOANYWHERE

MIKOH: 30% off site-wide with code LABORDAY30

REPLICA: 75% off spring and summer items

Beauty

I’ve had a hormonal breakout running strong since the start of summer, and I am praying it is only as bad as it is because of the soupy, hot weather. Lucky 4 moi, Patchology is having a 20% off site-wide sale including these acne patches. Another fan fave, StriVectin, which is hosting a sale with an Award Winner section I will lazily comb through. La Roche-Posay—who makes my favorite sunscreens—is having 25% off orders over $55. Sisley-Paris’ gift set, which I will kindly gift myself, is marked down. And your favorite neighborhood drugstore, CVS is having “Buy One Get One 50% Off” Renpure dry shampoo. I don’t know about you, but I wash my hair a lot less once summer sweat isn’t in the mix.

See All 5

Patchology: 20% off site-wide

Julep: 60% off Farewell Favorites

Bloomingdales: Extra 25% off sale items

Phyto-C: 20% off site-wide with code LDW20

StriVectin: 20% off Best Sellers and Award Winners with code ENDOFSUMMER

La Roche-Posay: 25% off all orders $55+ with code BOOKS

CVS: Buy one get one 50% off Renpure dry shampoo

Home

As the middle-aged mother of six that I am at heart, I enjoy a well-manicured home with fresh bedding and thoughtfully coordinated furniture. But in my actual life, my dog just peed on my carpet for the 3982409384th time, so I’m buying a new rug from Wayfair whose sale is up to 75% off. Floyd has slashed prices and is selling their infamous bed frame minus 75 bucks! Brooklinen makes my sheets of choice, and they’re doing 25% off site-wide until September 2! Run don’t walk to Allmodern (where I bought a TV cabinet I very much lurve) who has a sale section of up to 65% off with an extra 25% off site-wide. W.T.F.

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Wayfair: Up to 75% off

Brooklinen: 10% off all orders under $200 and 15% off all orders of $200

Brooklyn Bedding: 25% off site-wide

Allmodern: Up to 65% off and an extra 25% off site-wide with code GOFORIT

Floyd: $150 off The Sofa, $75 off The Bed, $50 off The Table or Coffee Table, $75 off The Shelving System with code LaborOfLove

Framebridge: 15% off all orders of $50+ with code LABORDAY

Fable Pets: 20% off all beds with code LABORDAY19

New shoes? New sweater? New bra? New mattress? New pimple cream?! What are you buying this hot shopping weekend? Literally, it’s going to be 80 degrees in NYC. Please select your preferred payment method and meet me in the comments.

Feature photo via VEDA.

The post 45+ Labor Day Sales That Are Going to Make Your Weekend appeared first on Man Repeller.

The Most Brain Tingling, Heart Pounding Comments of August

August was a month full of events for Man Repeller. There was at least one shindig per week and, as per usual, it was a treat and a half to see so many community members in the flesh. But our party-heavy summer nights weren’t the only place to find mood-making community interaction; once again the comment section was hotter than a July sidewalk at 2 p.m. Folks were funny, insightful, and most delightfully, totally game to go all in on Mistakes Month.

Here are but a few highlights from the comment section this month!

This pro-Tinder meet cute from “You’re Almost Definitely Going to Meet-ur-Cute Online”

“My bf and I have been missing each other our whole lives – up until meeting on Tinder. We both lived on the same base in Hawaii as kids, moved to the same town in Arizona years later, went to the same middle school (he was two grades ahead of me), knew some of the same people in high school and revolved in the same social scene – but never met! We matched last year after I re-downloaded Tinder in a Lyft after attending a wedding – best decision I’ve ever made!”—Aarian

Ding Ding Ding from “Do Trends Matter Anymore? Leandra and Harling Discuss”

“It seems to me that there are both quick surface cycles (e.g. ankle bows) and deeper, longer-term cycles (e.g. wide-legged, cropped pants), and the former may never make it to your average non-fashion-conscious consumer while the latter spreads until it includes everyone because no other style of pants is available to buy. People will participate in or avoid either of these levels depending on whether they prefer to fit in or stand out—and who they’re trying to fit in with/stand out from. When it comes to getting dressed for your everyday life (including social media!), we always do it with the people around us in mind, so we can never avoid the motion of trends (sartorial memes). Even people actively trying to avoid the trends just create an equal but opposite reverse trend. For the mathematically-minded, a paper on the ‘hipster effect.'” —Anna

The comment that prompted Haley to reply “You just wrote my essay much more efficiently” on “Unconventional Life Hack: Stop Cancelling Plans”

“I would wager a fair amount of avoidant behavior is disguised as ‘self-care.’ A lot of times for me (certainly more often than doing a face mask in the bath), self-care is powering through the inner voice screaming ‘I don’t wannnaaaaaa!!!!’ and getting it done—whether it be meeting a friend after a long day or working out. There’s a lot to be said for holding yourself to commitments—then you don’t get to beat yourself up over how flaky you are the next time you’re feeling down. That’s some real self-care.”—Ev

A very relatable comment from “Ask MR: I’m Scared I Will Never Make New Adult Friends”

“It took me a while before I realized that I was going to burn through some ‘friends’ in my attempts to find new friends as an adult; some people just don’t work out. I’m in a good place now, but my friend circle is disjointed, so I’ll likely never have that sort of ‘Girl’s Trip’ or ‘Bridesmaids’ friend circle. I think I’m okay with that, though.”—SouperCrackers 

A refreshingly honest admission on “Astrology Doesn’t Have to Be Real to Be Helpful”

“Thank you for this, this has helped me a lot in my ‘maybe it’s NOT cool to be a huge science jerk about it all the time’ journey.”—Elisaaa

A peek behind the publishing curtain on “Let Us Luxuriate in the Next-Level Media Blitz for a Very Good Book”

“I work in book publishing and tbh I am amazed and so so pleased to see how much marketing and publicity [Jia Tolentino’s] getting for this book. It’s really not often that a young women of color, especially a millennial, is given this much publicity in the media for a book. As someone who thinks the publishing industry is not moving fast enough with the times, it’s refreshing to see a media blitz like this that is catering to a younger, more diverse crowd.

Most likely, Jia also has the help of a publicist or publicity team, but her exposure and success as a writer still helps pave the other younger POC writers to get the same kind of exposure and backing from media outlets or publishing houses. Most publishing houses have less than 30% POC authors, and sometimes less than that for women.

Also, as an author doing publicity, it can get really boring to go to the same kinds of media outlets and talk about your book in the same context over and over and over. A book tour can last several months to a year, so it’s cool to see her media blitz is diversified and showing her as someone who can relate to a bunch of different communities.

Sorry for the rant but from a book publishing/book marketing perspective, she is such a success story and very inspiring!!”—SF

I mean…on “11 Things That Are Amazing When They’re Good, Terrible When They’re Bad”

“sex”—theysayshycity

This comment that made my whole dang day on “My Favorite Secret Single Behaviors, in No Particular Order “

“I wake up with a sore lower back because I am old now. Sleeping in the nude is not uncommon for me as I’ve been known to dramatically rip my clothes off in my sleep. Upon waking I up, I am usually too lazy to put any garments on before rolling my back out on the foam roller. So I guess I’d say my SSB is foam rolling naked, sleeping naked, and you know… coming home from a work out starving, throwing off my clothes, and eating store bought roasted chicken over the sink in the nude. AM I A MONSTER? Most likely. Someone better wife me down quick—I may be doomed.”—Julia 

I can’t pick just one of these mistakes so here are three from “20 Times I ‘Did Something That Scared Me’ and It Didn’t Work Out”

“When I thought my internship coordinator genuinely wanted feedback on her management style so I spent ten minutes tearing apart the program and her leadership and was shocked when she told me not to come back the next day. -Age 20″—Lyla 

“Not my mistake, but I was affected for years. Every Christmas my [mother-in-law] makes her grandmother’s steamed plum pudding. It was awful, dense and flavourless. Then she actually looked with fresh eyes at the recipe and read 2 tablespoons of breadcrumbs. We had been suffering through 2 CUPS of breadcrumbs for years. Now it’s a lovely rich decadent treat.”—Gene Day

“When I was going through a huge dry spell in college that I met up with a guy from Grindr (whose photos were v misleading) and he proceeded to rub a crystal ball on my arm in an effort to ‘ease my tension’ and tell me that if u play music at a certain frequency it actually causes you to win money at a casino, all while in the passenger seat of my car within 5 mins of meeting him”—winston nguyen

A reminder that reality is wrinkly on “Office Apropos: 30 Summer Outfits We Wore Last Week”

“Was highly soothing to me to see some wrinkles in these images – even the most stylish crew doesn’t alllwayyys pull out the iron. I breathed a little easier today ;)”—Natalie 

Some very good love advice on “Believing in Soulmates Might Hurt Your Chances at Finding Love”

“Soulmates still require effort!! I know dating tends to be a game of who is the most apathetic but this will not work if you want a serious life partner.

I wasn’t looking for anything serious at all when I met my husband and it was like instant, insane, want to be around this person all the time chemistry. We have the same world views and put in the work with each other. But when we were first dating we also both texted each other back promptly, told each other what’s on our mind, told each other when we wanted to say ‘I love you’ but felt crazy because it had only been a month, etc etc. We recognized we had something special but that was only part 1–part 2 was taking care of what we had to make it something substantial. We overly-communicated our feelings in the beginning. If I had treated him like the guys I was dating at the time, the waiting to text back, the feigning indifference, the fear of seeming too needy, the only showing the best of myself, it wouldn’t have allowed us to really be together.

The idea that the perfect person for you is out there is real, but when they come into your life you can’t play games and you can’t be someone you’re not. And if the person you love can’t or won’t reciprocate how you feel, they’re not your person.”—montrima

A truly bonkers series of events on “A Public Cheating Accusation, and Other Tales of Mistaken Identity”

“A couple of days after the girl licking the blue bell ice cream story went viral, some lady went to the guest services counter at the store I work at to tell them that I looked like that girl.

1. I don’t (pretty sure it was a white woman that thinks we all look alike)

2. Not sure what she was expecting to get out of telling them that

3. I guess she wanted me removed off the premises??????!!!!???

Idk, that was weird.”—Holland Kennedy

So there you have it, just a few sterling sentences from a sea of gold! Also, there was a fair amount of healthy debate this month and it felt odd to pull out thoughts and highlight them out of context so take a look at Two Years Ago You All Hated My Money Diary. Here’s How I’m Spending Now and All the Street Style You Could Want Courtesy of MR X Klarna’s Summer Soirée.

Feature graphic by Dasha Faires.

The post The Most Brain Tingling, Heart Pounding Comments of August appeared first on Man Repeller.

MR Writers Club Prompt: Gut Renovations—A How-To

Have you heard of the Man Repeller Writers Club? Every month we pose a story idea, you write about it and then send it to us (write@manrepeller.com) with the subject line “MR Writers Club.” We read through all submissions and post the winner on the first Friday of every month. Ready? Let’s go.

When I think back on the times I underwent my most intense bouts of change, it’s easy, in hindsight, to pinpoint when each one started—when the ground beneath my feet first tilted enough to set a single wheel in motion. It’s easy to spot the warning signs that came before those moments, too, and diagnose the bumps that inevitably followed, and justify the roundabout means to the end that was a different me. But transformation rarely feels so formulaic as it’s happening. Usually it feels like chaos. Or maybe it feels like nothing but a delicate stomach swoop you mistake for hunger until such a conclusion deems itself woefully unworthy of what’s actually happening. Unpredictability is part of the process.

But wouldn’t it be nice if it were more of a science? I would pay good money to take a course on the physics of the external and internal renovation that inevitably takes place over the course of a human life. Or hire a contractor who could map it out for me like a complex but physically sound structure. You’ll feel uncomfortable here, hit a snag there, and the next year you’ll laugh about all of it. I think I’d sleep easier.

Of course, changing your self or your life is an act of improv by design; it could never be so rule-bound. But…what if it could? What if the amorphous and sloppy process of gut renovation could be broken down into parts, like the emotional counterpart to the classic hero’s journey? What that might look like? How might it feel? For this month’s writers club prompt, we invite you to consider the how-to of human renovation and transformation, and explore it at its most prescriptive. Then share your findings, in whatever form they may take—a story, instructions, a recipe, a list, a metaphor—in 500 words or less with write@manrepeller.com.

Feature graphic by Dasha Faires. 

The post MR Writers Club Prompt: Gut Renovations—A How-To appeared first on Man Repeller.

Leandra and Harling Discuss the Urge to Look Less “Instagrammable”

“What Would You Wear With This?,” heir to the throne of “Should I Buy This?,” is a monthly conversation between Leandra and Harling about the contents of their online shopping carts and the potential outfits that lie within. Come for the clothes, stay for the feelings.

On Fri, Aug 9, 2019 at 1:36 PM Harling wrote:

Hello! My sleeves are already rolled up, so let me jump right in: I’ve thinking a lot about how, more and more these days, I’m not really getting dressed in outfits. I just pick out individual pieces and put them on and…that’s it. And as a result, I don’t think my “outfits” are very good most of the time, but I kind of like them even more because they’re less Instagram-y? Have you experienced this? I like to think our style brains are cut from the same (terry)cloth, but, separately, am also curious to hear your take on the following items that are currently lingering in my shopping cart, and what you might wear them with:

This top (arguably the perfect nipped-waist, oversized short sleeved button down)

These shorts ($22.99! I don’t think I can resist)

This dress (to be worn with a kerchief around my hair and flip flops on my feet)

These shoes (I won’t buy at full price but I WILL stalk heavily all fall)

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On Mon, Aug 12, 2019 at 11:55 AM Leandra wrote:

Yeah, of course it makes sense! I loved those Bottega Veneta square toe sandals with the thong and all the skinny straps when I saw them, but knew that attempting acquisition would never work, both because they’d sell out quickly and because I’d feel like a parody of myself if I ever deigned to wear them. I think we touched upon this when we spoke about trends earlier this month. I referenced an anecdote about a DJ tweeting, “If a blogger has it, I don’t want it.” It’s the same mentality here, just reversed. Actually, I interviewed Chloë Sevigny last week (please remind me that I’ve reached my humble brag quota for the duration of this exchange), and we were talking about style and getting photographed and she asked if I feel pressure to turn UP dressed UP in response to my asking her the same question and I told her that I felt like even though turning UP is kind of true to my constitution, I’m pretty self-conscious about doing it where I know there will be street style photographers. This, btw, is not me complaining about getting photographed, I marvel in the peer-level validation for being considered well-dressed but to this point, I’m also self-conscious about those peers thinking I am crying for attention.

But, you know, as I write this out it occurs to me that turning UP is, like I said, true to my constitution, so I wonder where that self-consciousness is coming from, really. Maybe I’m more self-conscious about being considered the sum of an Instagram account as opposed to a Thinking Woman. Not sure. But now it seems like the more genuine act of living honestly would be to get those Bottega shoes even though I know everyone has them.

I don’t know if this took us too far off course, but the TL;DR is: Yes, I am feeling the same pang of wanting to dress less, let’s say, “impressively” these days. I don’t know how much of it is tethered to returning to my “style roots,” a time before my access to stuff grew disproportionately (to a degree, all of our access has grown given fast fashion) and how much of it is more psychological (see: above). I do know that I hate those Loewe jazz shoes, think you should get that LPA dress, that the shorts from Mango look like they were *actually* designed for you, but that the Celine top you sent already sold out (but would have been perfect w/ the shorts!). Might I suggest venturing into TRR’s men’s section to find a replacement (if you want one)? I got a Dries short sleeve button down for $32 once.

This one’s for you

This one’s for Haley

And I think this one’s for me

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To wear with HOTPANTS…which are harder to come by lately, huh. These are the closest I could find:

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Overall vibe of this look is a bit tougher than my aesthetic, but I’d probably add pearl studs or a necklace and, like, Belgian shoes or a pair from Stubbs and Wootton.

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On Tue, Aug 13, 2019 at 3:29 PM Harling wrote:

A list of urgent thoughts, in order of importance:

1. You can brag about interviewing Chloë Sevigny to me until the cows come home.

2. I’m so glad you hate the Loewe jazz shoes because I’m willing to be dissuaded from even entertaining the idea of dropping that much money on gloves for my feet. Idk why I’m very focused on foot gloves at the moment. These from Hereu (one of my favorite new brands of late) might be a more economical choice.

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3. Is the root of this issue we’re talking about really just that relentless documentation via social media, street style, etc., conspires to reduce all who participate to caricatures of ourselves, i.e. flattened, 2D versions, which renders any stylistic choice that perhaps felt original at first-wear suddenly…well…uninspiring, to some extent? Commodified for viewing? Overwrought and overthought? Gross, at times? I thought the solution (or rather, the antidote) to this was to simply wear less color, because color has such strong insta-bait connotations at this point, but a two-week experiment of wearing all black and only black last winter indicated otherwise. Perhaps because I was still documenting it! And thus, another caricature was born. Does any of this make sense? I’m not sure. I’m definitely word vomiting up some very half-baked ideas, but only because I don’t have my finger on the answer quite yet.

4. Since clothes are confusing me, I am basking in the relative comfort of home decor, which I’ve found so much more satisfying than straight-up fashion lately (feels so weird to admit that…). MATCHESFASHION actually has a really fun homeware section. I just bought this pillow because it is basically cake. What do you think of this jugs jug??

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5. That sleeveless plaid button-up/denim short combo is very reminiscent of a last-minute lumberjack halloween costume I almost wore in college, but I trust your vision implicitly. I will, however, definitively follow your lead on those Belgian shoes, TYVM. eBay has a ton of good ones:

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6. I was doing market for an upcoming shoot and came across this Rachel Comey top, which is seemingly “just another leopard print shirt” but upon closer inspection is actually scratching a very particular itch I wasn’t even aware of. I’m seriously contemplating getting it with a Shopbop gift card that has been sitting in my nightstand for far too long. What would you wear it with? Moussy jeans and… I was going to say kitten heels, but I think these loafers would be a little less expected and therefore BETTER?

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On Tue, Aug 13, 2019 at 5:17 PM Leandra wrote:

-Can’t wait to see what that cushion looks like in your crib.

–Here is the perpetrator of your attraction to glove flats, but don’t forget, Martiniano was the first!

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-Thanks for the eBay link, think I am going to buy those black ones.

–Those M.Gemi loafers look a ton like these from Bougeotte. I got them like two years ago, and didn’t wear them at all, and suddenly locked eyes with their toe tips at the end of last winter, like they were a nerdy boy who had come back from camp really hot, and I drank their Kool-Aid and we’ve been dating pretty seriously ever since.

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-What itch is that Rachel Comey top scratching??? I think you see something that I don’t, though if I put myself in your shoes (literally, see: these) I can fully envision you wearing it with a pair of shorts like the Mango mens-style swim trunks that you linked in your last email. Or these.

(Or these.)

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I always forget about Shopbop. It is still good.

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^An outfit that is boring, but that I 10/10 would (likely will, likely have) wear/worn. I’d soup it up with accessories, like pinky rings for all my pinkies (toes not withstanding!) and some chains around my neck and so on and so forth but hey this dovetails nicely with your point #3 about relentless documentation. I get what you’re saying–that maybe dressing more quietly is in pursuit of wanting to look less like a caricature of yourself, to not flatten yourself to a photo that lives in perpetuity, and that if you look less like a caricature, you might be less likely to self-document, to allow the outfit to live on in your mind as a hall-of-famer. But I’m more interested in the fact that you still wanted to document. Why did you want to document?

On Wed, Aug 14, 2019 at 2:32 PM Harling wrote:

I love that outfit you concocted. The only thing I would add is a gold chain belt.

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Idk what itch the Rachel Comey top was scratching but my love affair was fickle–now I’m really into this bodysuit or this organza wrap top, maybe with this oyster-colored silk skirt. I’m basically concocting a transitional weather going-out outfit, so let’s round it out with either the aforementioned M.Gemi loafers or these ballet flats.

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Shopping non-sequitur: Is Sydney-based brand, Matin, on your radar yet? Their stuff is a bit pricey but I’m into a lot of it, especially this chocolate-colored silk caftan dress, these twill pants, and this cotton/silk mini dress.

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Another non-sequitur: As I’m making up potential fall outfit ideas in my head, almost all of them involve a pair of superrrrrr light-wash jeans.

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Your points about relentless documentation are the perfect distillation of what I think I was trying to get at. Feels so nice 2 b interpreted by u. I think the urge to “capture” is ingrained in me, to some extent, at this point. I’m like Pavlov’s dog, except instead of salivating when confronted with food I reach for my phone camera when confronted with something I find interesting or funny or engaging or beautiful. I’m pretty conflicted about my stance on this impulse, especially because the people I spend the most time with (Austin, my sisters, my close friends from high school and college) don’t share it it in the slightest. They could be staring at the juiciest of summer sunsets at 6 p.m. a.k.a. golden hour and the idea of taking a photo wouldn’t even occur. It’s hilarious and makes me feel like a freak!

But anyways, I think the reason I still felt the urge to document even when I was dressed head to toe in simple, black items, is because capturing that became a narrative in its own right. Maybe that’s the point of what I’m trying to say: A photo of an outfit is no longer just a photo of an outfit in 2019. It’s a story, a headline, a thing to be captioned. And that changes everything, right?

On Fri, Aug 16, 2019 at 3:07 PM Leandra wrote:

But what is behind your impetus then, to share that story or headline or thing to be captioned?

When I track and try to break down how I feel when I’m motivated to share something, it’s usually punctuated by feeling like I’ve broken through something to arrive somewhere new. Example: pairing pants and a top that don’t work at first try-on, then pinning the pants up, loosening the top–whatever it is, to land upon feeling like, FUCK YEAH I LOOK EXACTLY HOW I WANTED TO WHEN I ROADMAPPED MY IDENTITY THIS MORNING. It’s like creative problem-solving in the most reductive way. And honestly, what is more satisfying than looking exactly how you wanted to, of manifesting from brain to body? It’s validation from yourself. To yourself. Obviously, once you set out to share it, you’re asking for validation from a third-party gaze but documentation doesn’t necessitate sharing. I take tons of pics that I never intend to let anyone see, they’re for my own visual record. Is it fair to assume what you’re talking about, really, is sharing?

Also fair to assume: I want that brown caftan. I’d love to wear it with suede loafers, or boots in the fall. Speaking of boots, is your head there yet? I think this is the vibe I’ll be going for.

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They are super expensive, but I invite you to consider the vibe (chunky heel and straight shaft) more than anything else.

To pair with vaguely tapered trousers, like these or these:

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And a cardigan like-a-this:

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Have I already shown you this outfit? I feel like I have. Anyway, there’s a black beanie and pearl stud earrings, too.

On Mon, Aug 19, 2019 at 11:10 AM Harling wrote:

Hmmm. Good question. You’re right, I’m not just talking about documenting, which I often do just for myself, almost as a visual record/diary. Very different from sharing, which by definition includes the third party gaze and/or input. The experience that I’ve arrived somewhere new is definitely part of the impetus to share for me, sometimes. But other times it’s more about interaction that sharing begets. Sometimes I share purely for that purpose, not because what I’m sharing is particularly noteworthy–especially on “Stories” where the stakes are nonexistent. I’m pretty sure Stories are the closest thing we have to old-school circa 2013 blogs nowadays (low stakes hot take), and that’s why they are so satisfying to both partake in and observe.

My head is not anywhere near boots as of yet but it probably should be because last winter I had a boots identity crisis wherein all boots started looking funny/nonsensical to me, like a word you’ve been saying over and over again or staring at on a page for too long. YOU KNOW? I love those from The Row, particularly the subtle chunk aspect. Not sure what my boot vibe is but my general vibe is definitely these Brunello Cucinelli wedges with sheer black tights, a denim mini skirt and this Miu Miu sweater.

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You’ve definitely already shown me a version of that outfit which is just as thrilling as it is admirable because it means you’ve really drilled down on your fall persona and it’s only mid-August. Meanwhile, I’m still spinning my wheels over yellow jacquard pants.

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On Mon, Aug 19, 2019 at 12:35 PM Leandra wrote:

That Miu Miu sweater has been in my wishlist since Julyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Sometimes wishlisting a thing is enough to make me feel like I own it, and tbh, you and I both probably have enough lace Peter Pan collars to approximate the sweater with a men’s v-neck from like, J.Crew or something. You also probably have the mini skirt already, definitely have the tights, just established you can make the sweater and do you remember the Hannah MacGibbon collection for Chloe that awarded the world with these?

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Bet you can find a consignment pair for much, much cheaper.

So what I love most about the outfit you made is that you kind of already own it. Also, even though I don’t know you outside the context of work, I feel like you’d have picked out the same thing for the first day of school like, ten years ago. What is that?

Before you answer, one more thing: Congratulations! What you actually aspire to do when you’re sharing is, you know, share. Which is so different from showing, and I think it’s only when the impetus of posting gets a little cloudy and doesn’t feel as explicitly about sharing as it does about showing that you get kind of self-conscious. Right? Maybe not, I am very good at projecting. How did we get here? Didn’t this convo start as like, a love letter to rejecting capital-O-outfits and just throwing shit on?

On Tue, Aug 20, 2019 at 11:14 AM Harling wrote:

I have enough lace Peter Pan collars to decorate the coastline of California, so you are correct. Funnily enough, because I have an encyclopedic memory for most outfits, I only remember one first-day-of-school outfit and it was the first day of ninth grade when I was attending a new school and I wore an Abercrombie gray corduroy skirt with a ribbon belt and a pale pink Lacoste polo tucked in. Oh, and Rainbow flip flops! Frankly I had much better inaugural school outfits 20 years ago versus 10, when my mom was still in charge of picking them out.

  

I’ve attached one for evidence and would like to recreate the adult-sized version pronto with the following elements:

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I’ve absolutely shared things for the sake of showing on occasion and you’re right, it does feel noticeably ickier. How DID we get here?? All roads lead back to Instagram, I guess, especially when we start out by talking about photographing outfits. Let me take you on a full-circle journey and lob you an outfit that is not at all attention-grabbing which is exactly is why I like it:

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The shoes, I will leave up to you/fate.

On Tue, Aug 20, 2019 at 1:58 PM Leandra wrote:

Harling! That picture! That look. I wish in your approximation the Miu Miu flatforms were just flat, no form.

I like this game, and now want to see your hair bow and raise you a Dalmation purse. This is not a first day of school outfit, but it is a Sunday brunch look before brunch was Brunch with a capital B. Wouldn’t wear it again today, it feels almost too much like a complete runway look (Chloe!), which is not to say I don’t love those clothes but is to say I’ve never really been a full look kind of girl. Someone already thought of putting it together! My work is to pick it apart, discard what doesn’t serve me and keep/enhance what does! It’s not so different from therapy in that way. As far as your final look, how’s about a clog?

And for my final look:

Self-Portrait is doing knitwear, I like the cocoon sleeve so much, recently got these Nike shorts and have been wearing them like mad, would add a metallic strappy sandal, or perhaps an encrusted block heel (these are expensive, I know! It’s for vibe!) and to that, the overall persona reads: What to wear when you’re trying to accommodate multiple temperatures but also, “Chalet resident on Dancing With the Stars with a Nike Running Pro.”

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Before I sign off, I promise you this, fisherman sandals are next. Gnt.

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Photographed  by  featuring Anissa Kermiche vase and Martiniano shoes via MATCHESFASHION.com.

The post Leandra and Harling Discuss the Urge to Look Less “Instagrammable” appeared first on Man Repeller.

How Embracing My Weakness Transformed My Career

In my twenties, when I was a food reporter at The New York Times, I threw a lot of dinner parties in my one-bedroom apartment with its closet kitchen. After one such party, I went to wash my copper saute pan and discovered it was stuck inside my steel saute pan. I yanked on the handles to pry them apart. I got a flat-head screwdriver and tried to wedge it between them. No luck. I could have called my super, or taken it to a restaurant supply shop, but who has time for that?

 

I could hear there was a bit of water and sauce in the bottom pan. And this gave me an idea. Sometimes when you boil water, turn off the heat, and place the lid on top of a pot, the lid becomes suctioned to the base so forcibly you can’t pull it off. But if you re-boil the water, the steam punctures the seal and the lid lifts off effortlessly. I figured I could apply the same logic here—if I put the pans on the stove and brought the water to a boil, the steam would loosen the top pan.

I set the Russian dolled pans to heat on my tiny stove and called my mother to chat. During the call, I bent close to the stove to write a note on the countertop, and just as I stood up there was a BOOM. The phone was knocked from my hand as the copper pan shot up, took a large chunk out of my ceiling, and landed in the middle of my living room. My face, chest, and arms were sprayed with boiling-hot sauce water. My poor mother was left wondering what happened while I yelped in confusion. A neighbor took me to the emergency room, where I was treated for second-degree burns.

My instincts were correct—I got the pans apart, all right. But I almost killed myself in the process. Had the pans exploded a moment sooner, the heavy copper one would have hit me in the head. The headline would have been irresistible: “Food Writer Killed by Own Pan.”

My life has been blessed and plagued by two strong and strongly-related traits: instinctiveness and impatience. (I’ll call them “the two I’s,” because I’m too impatient to type both out a bunch of times.) I have my dad to thank for these qualities. A fan of fast cars, he was so well known for speeding on the interstate that when I took my driver’s test, the administrator said, “I hope your dad didn’t teach you how to drive.”

Once, when he built a bar in our garage that he planned to take to my brother’s college dorm room (an interesting parenting choice), he hammered his thumb. The next day at work, he could no longer stand the throbbing, and instead of going to the doctor up the street, he went to the body shop, borrowed a drill, and pierced through the nail to relieve the pain. He loved telling how the blood shot out of his nail like a geyser.

I took on his fast driving, his bluntness, his inner fire.

My dad was a born go-getter. A few years after he and my mother used all of their savings from his job as a car salesman to buy the dealership, it burned to the ground. Rather than wait for the insurance process to run its course, or even for the building to stop smoldering, he rented a trailer and opened for business the next day, selling any cars that hadn’t burned to a crisp.

A few years later, during the late ‘70s oil crisis, when the car business was in a downward spiral, he saw what was coming well before his competitors who couldn’t conceive of a decline in the power of American cars, and started selling BMWs, a car no one in Scranton, Pennsylvania, had even heard of. When the economy shifted, Americans started buying imports, and my dad looked very smart.

I was the last of four children, with a five-year gap between my older siblings and me—otherwise known as the mistake. By the time I came along, my dad had more time to appreciate parenting, and despite his intense sexism (women were “gals” who were good at doing laundry), he always encouraged me to believe I could do whatever I wanted to. He celebrated my aggression on the basketball court and my push to get things done, whether it was designing a sports mural at my school or balancing three summer jobs.

I took on his fast driving, his bluntness, his inner fire. The two I’s were guiding forces for both of us. The tension is that while they could cause problems (and sometimes bodily harm), they could also be a magical duo.

Amanda Hesser by James Ransom/Food52

After college, I spent a couple of years cooking in Europe, and found myself attracted to food writing, which seemed romantic and fun and way more appealing than grueling work in a restaurant kitchen. The only challenge was that I’d never written anything other than letters to my family. While in France, though, I discovered an old gardener and decided I should write a cookbook with essays about him—instinctively I knew it was a good story and an original idea. Most people would have paused to take some writing classes or get a bit of professional experience first. Neither occurred to me, because I was already 22, so obviously I was falling behind. If I waited, the good story might be lost. Figuring out how to write the book itself was, to my mind, the small stuff.

And so I wrote a proposal and faxed—yes, faxed—a bunch of agents, and within months, I was a forthcoming author with a book contract. The Cook and the Gardener won the Best Literary Food Writing award from the International Association of Culinary Professionals, and is still in print more than 20 years later. Impatience and instinct work! I told myself.

I continued barreling forward anyway, pissing people off in new ways.

Except when they don’t. Fast forward to when I had become a bona fide writer and food reporter at The New York Times. Instinct and impatience aren’t always valued at corporations where change happens by gradual consensus. I wasn’t good at managing up, and in my youthful, um, zest, I found the bureaucracy suffocating. (See Ruth Reichl’s memoir, Garlic and Sapphires, in which she described me as “frighteningly ambitious.” It wasn’t an unfair assessment.)

When an editor from the NYT magazine approached me to create a new column, I faced a dilemma. I worked for the newspaper, and while one might think that writing for a slightly different part of the same company would be no problem, at the Times, back then, it was. I had an idea to write a blog-like column (pre-blogs) about my life as a food writer and my relationship with my boyfriend. Instead of going through the corporate rigamarole of trying to get my editor on board and possibly getting shot down, I just went ahead and wrote the column.

The column was popular, but me? Not so much. At least in my boss’s eyes. My instincts were right about the column, but now, with time, I regret skipping the tedious but purposeful communication work, which would have preserved my relationship with my boss and surely my reputation among colleagues.

I continued barreling forward anyway, pissing people off in new ways. I moved to the magazine and became its food editor. I was good at coming up with ideas, but I had a hard time with writers who didn’t do what I’d envisioned, and I would often rewrite them rather than taking the time to work with them. When you’re a writer, you’re observing doers. When you’re an editor, you’re coaching the observers of the doers. My two I’s had led me up the ladder to become an editor, but I was two steps away from where I really belonged—doing.

The two I’s are classic traits of entrepreneurs, and eventually I embraced this ingrained part of who I am. I left the Times in 2008 to start a company, and spent the next year immersing myself in the start-up world. My original idea never took off, but I had plenty of takeaways—like that my professional pedigree could get me far, but my lack of technical and business expertise left me vulnerable to those with less faith: investors.

When my co-founder, Merrill, and I came up with the idea for Food52, to create the brand for people who believe food is at the center of a well-lived life, it was clear to us that we were onto something. But I realized that the improvisational approach I shared with my dad played better in Scranton, where college degrees and careful communication—he had neither—carry less currency. There were many nights when I studied business school websites and toyed with the idea of pausing for two years to get an MBA.

The irritating part of accepting your flaws is that you often wonder who you might be without them.

But my gut told me I would be doing it just to check off a box for someone else. As with my first book and that magazine column, I shrugged off the more measured approach in favor of instinct and action. Ten years later, Merrill and I have built a significant business.

Now that we have a large team, I’ve come to appreciate people who manage up and have learned to take time to build consensus. The two I’s still rear their heads, like when I tried—impatiently—to solve the problem of too many meetings by telling our senior leadership team that they could reduce the frequency of their weekly one-on-ones (who wants to talk to their boss every week?!). The suggestion was received as if I’d dumped a steaming turd on the conference table. Later, I learned my recommendation had sounded more like an edict than I’d intended. These days, I try to take note and assess before I act: I could have road-tested my meeting idea by asking a few people first, or presenting it as a question rather than a statement.

The irritating part of accepting your flaws is that you often wonder who you might be without them. I’ve speculated what the path would have looked like had I gone to business school. Perhaps we would have raised money more easily. Or it would have made supporting our finance team more effortless. But equally, I think Merrill and I would have missed the right moment for our idea, or for working with each other. In the end, my instincts tell me I made the right call. But you still might not want to ask me to reignite your furnace.

Amanda Hesser is a food writer and cookbook author, most known as the former food editor of The New York Times Magazine and cofounder and CEO of Food52.

Graphic by Madeline Montoya.

The post How Embracing My Weakness Transformed My Career appeared first on Man Repeller.

Every Piece in Uniqlo’s New Inès de La Fressange Collab Costs Less Than $150

The scent of fall is most definitely not in the air yet (I confirmed this fact just a few mornings ago when I walked past a particularly fragrant garbage pile that only summer heat can create). The scent of fall outfit recipes is, however, very much tickling the tip of my nose.

It started wafting with the vengeance of warm cinnamon buns as soon as I saw the most recent collaboration between French style icon Inès de La Fressange (who you may recognize from this episode of MR Chatroom) and Uniqlo. The collection, which launches today, is chock-full of the elusive kind of “basic” items that are practical without being boring—and (!!!) none of them are more expensive than $150. I’ve written out my own shopping list below, along with the outfit recipe I foresee each thing being baked into, so we can revel in this inspo together.

A Toggle Coat

Toggle coats will always remind me of morning walks to the bus stop with my mom during elementary school. Mine was light blue one and her’s was dark red. This navy one from IDLF (can I call u that, Inès?) x Uniqlo is scratching the nostalgia itch just swimmingly, though. If I were its owner, I would lean right into the cozy vibe that only a good dose of ~memories~ can effectively induce and pair it with cashmere joggers and a matching hoodie. (Maybe a red lip and some pearl studs if I was planning to run into a crush.)

A Quilted Jacket

Jumping right back on the nostalgia train, quilted jackets make me think of crunching leaves and Central Park tire swings. I love the idea of wearing this one with white overalls from Carhartt, layered over a black turtleneck, and paired with these ballet flats to make the whole thing feel a bit precious. This would be the perfect outfit for a fall picnic, which is arguably better than a summer picnic in that the only thing sweating is the salami.

A Pair of Trouser Jeans

Mark my words, streamlined trouser jeans are going to be the denim silhouette this fall/winter season. More on that later–in the meantime, wouldn’t these look so great with a frilly-collared white blouse underneath a fair isle jacquard sweater vest, finished off with glove shoes? I know what you’re thinking: This get-up requires a bit of sparkle, and rest assured I will be providing that (metaphorically for now, but hopefully literally in the future) via these $9.99 earrings.

A Pair of Khakis

After months of serious contemplation, I think the secret to styling khakis is to pair them with at least one piece that is their utter and complete opposite. This way, you won’t look too much like your dad, or too much like me in middle school. I’m personally intrigued by the possibilities promised by this sequin top worn under this navy blazer, finished off with leopard mules. Oops! I think Jenna Lyons just wrote the last three sentences.

A White Button-Down With a Twist

I’m not sure what you call the thing on the front of this magnificent white button-down. A bib? That doesn’t seem right. Would love to know if there is a kind commenter who can fill me in, but regardless of the answer I’m INTO IT. I would wear with skinny-ish jeans with an emphasis on the ish (I know I just told you trouser jeans are gonna be the thing, and I still feel strongly about that, but on some occasions the proportions at hand demand a slimmer cut and this is one of them). As for shoes, I think these are the ones and it doesn’t hurt that they’re $80.

A Long-Sleeve Striped T-Shirt

I’m not the first to remark that a long-sleeve striped T is a solid autumnal investment, and I surely won’t be the last. This is a good one because the cut is the perfect amount of boxy. I would tuck it into a wool mini skirt–this one, preferably–and throw on a cardigan that feels like a hug. To that I would add sheer black tights, shoes fit for a schoolboy, and a pinky ring fit for his grandmother.

 

A Floral Sweater

There is a very specific vintage Austrian sweater trend brewing on the interwebs lately, and I approve of it wholeheartedly. This sweater from IDLF’s collab seems to be a shining encapsulation of its après-ski-appropriate charm. Would highly recommend marrying it with black leggings and chunky boots in the same vein as these Proenza Schouler ones (but here’s a less expensive option, too).

 

A Set of Fancy Pajamas

To be worn with a thick-knit black beanie and a string of pearls and a faux fur coat once the weather starts to get decidedly nippy circa November. The shoes will depend on your intended destination: sneakers if you’re running errands, and glitter pumps if you’re running to a party. Feel free to wear the pajamas to bed when you’re back from wherever you’re going.

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What outfit recipes are you cooking up for fall?

Feature photo via UNIQLO.

The post Every Piece in Uniqlo’s New Inès de La Fressange Collab Costs Less Than $150 appeared first on Man Repeller.