Leandra Medine's Blog, page 62

Couples Therapy Isn’t Only for Couples in Trouble

I was going to get some cream for my coffee when I saw a new addition to the calendar on the fridge: Therapy 11 a.m. I turned to my husband. “So Thursday, huh?” He nodded into his coffee. “Thank you,” I said, and meant it. He seemed to want to leave it at that, so I followed his lead, but inside I was having a full-on Midge-Maisel-in-the-Catskills moment.

WE’RE GOING TO THERAPY!

When I told a friend that Win and I had finally booked a session, she congratulated me like I’d just gotten a book deal, then asked if I’d told the rest of our friends. “Of course,” I replied. There had been many a cheering Pokémon gif in my best-friend Slack channel that morning. After spending years of hearing the day-to-day, good and bad, my friends both valued my and Win’s relationship and understood the need for us to do some serious work. It felt like a shared victory.

“What about your mom?” she asked.

“Not yet,” I said. The truth was, the thought of telling my parents made my stomach dip. After years (decades, really) of not letting them in on any relationship trouble, I was worried they’d misunderstand it as a sign of impending divorce. But the incongruence wasn’t lost on me: If I’d been able to skirt the stigma with my friends, why not with my family, or by extension, myself? And maybe more pressingly, why did the stigma still exist at all?

Earlier this year, Dr. Peggy Drexel dubbed millennials “The Therapy Generation” in an essay for the Wall Street Journal. “Raised by parents who openly went to therapy themselves and who sent their children as well, today’s 20- and 30-somethings turn to therapy sooner and with fewer reservations than young people did in previous eras,” she wrote. And if memes are any indication of the cultural zeitgeist (how could they not be?), she’s right. It feels safe to say that therapy is more normalized than ever. But couples therapy, meanwhile, remains taboo, even among young people, and the question is: Why? If the idea of investing in and caring for ourselves is normalized and celebrated, then why isn’t the same attitude extended to our relationships?

Being an external processor, I sought answers to these questions by asking anyone I knew who was willing to go there. The “therapy generation” nickname turned out to be truthful, at least within my immediate internet bubble—it seemed like almost everyone was in therapy. And if they weren’t, finances and time commitments were the biggest obstacles, not stigma. But when I asked about couples therapy or marriage counseling, far fewer folks had experience or were interested in talking to me about it. (One of my dearest friends even refused to broach the topic.) And for those who were in couples therapy, nearly all agreed that it’d been a bit of a struggle to get in the room with their partners.

“I’d bring up going to therapy every couple of years,” said Krista, 29, “but my partner didn’t want to, I think partially because of the stigma. We started going when we did because we both were ready.”

A few people mentioned specific turning points in their relationship that brought them to therapy. Janet, 34, said that she’d insisted on going before accepting a marriage proposal. “I knew I wanted to marry her,” she told me, “but we’d been together a while and I knew that sometimes our communication could really get derailed, so I wanted a relationship tune-up before we committed.”

The idea of a “relationship tune-up” came up a few times, especially from folks who’d had a good experience in therapy with their partners. Ariel, 34, wanted to ensure “clear boundaries and expectations before Burning Man.” Krista spoke about opening up a new, poly chapter in their relationship and “wanted to give ourselves room to work through the challenges that came along with that.”

Win and I decided to go because we were having the same fights over and over with no resolution and couldn’t seem to break out of the cycle. It soon became clear that we were substituting the turmoil of the fight itself for the emotional cost of making the changes that were necessary. This was exhausting. And we were exhausted. And because we didn’t know what else to do, we went to therapy.

Communication breakdowns were the other big reason that people I spoke to had finally booked a session. “We needed help with conflict resolution because resentments were building up and impacting our ability to be intimate,” Louise, 38, told me. “The unresolved issues were also impacting every part of our lives, from friendships to health to our relationships with our kids.”

In talking to people who sought couples therapy, I was struck by how reasonable (and even responsible) their reasons were for going, and how that contrasted with their general reticence to share. I suspect this is related to our culture’s obsession with perfect relationships, and the shame that anything less than that might inspire. While we’ve made a lot of progress in the way of embracing messy, complicated people, the idea that the right couple will be rewarded with an effortless relationship still persists.

If our culture’s increasing celebration of flawed people has led us to normalize solo therapy, I wonder: Can we give flawed relationships the same space?

Before I’d told anyone, admitting to myself that my husband and I needed therapy almost felt like admitting that we shouldn’t have been together in the first place. Or that we’d made a mistake too big to fix. But we’ve been in therapy for three months now, and the ice is starting to break. The fights we have are neither as volatile nor as cyclical as they were. We’re challenging ourselves and each other to take the time to find the truest words, not just the most dramatic ones (we’re theater people, after all), to hit pause when we feel defensive, and to find tangible ways to show our support for one another. And most importantly, we’re setting aside at least an hour a week where our main focus is the health of our marriage.

That I once worried therapy might indicate we were beyond fixing now seems silly. And the fact that I would never assume that about seeking individual therapy is revealing. If our culture’s increasing celebration of flawed people has led us to normalize solo therapy, I wonder: Can we give flawed relationships the same space?

One of the reasons I was able to celebrate couples counseling with my friends was because I’d been so open about the struggles Win and I were having from the beginning. I trusted them to understand that therapy was an investment in the relationship as well as in myself. Their radical support is proof that, with honesty and vulnerability at the foundation, going to couple’s counseling can feel like an important and exciting step, rather than a shameful one. I think the more we share about our relationships—the peaks, yes, but also the valleys and the complications—the more likely we are to see couples therapy less as a last-ditch effort, and more as a normal and responsible form of maintenance.

Despite the hesitation people had regarding speaking to me about couples therapy, everyone I spoke with had the same advice for anyone thinking they might benefit from it: GO! And from where I’m standing (or rather, spinning around in my Catskills-ready yellow dress) I’m definitely joining the chorus.

Graphics by Coco Lashar

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December’s Theme Is All About the 2010s—Let’s Discuss?

Just as the holidays come earlier every year, so do, it seems, end-of-year recaps. And since this year is a particularly big one—not just the end of a year, but the end of a decade—the recaps started trickling in before we’d even put away our Halloween costumes.

The recap that seems to have captured the most attention by far has not been of the “Best of” variety, that time-honored tradition in which groups of revered critics huddle together to make all but 10 people in a given industry feel as if they’ve missed the mark, but a simple prompt dispatched on Twitter by a guy named Tony.

There was actually a month *and a half* left in the year at the time of Tony’s tweet—and yes I do appreciate him helping to prove my point.

The tweet enjoyed and then suffered the typical viral content life cycle: It was promoted, earnestly engaged with, playfully riffed on, then cancelled. Those who appreciated the Tweet took the opportunity to bask in their accomplishments, many of them hard won, while detractors dismissed it as a cheap opportunity to get one last humblebrag in before the dawn of our new decade. (The term “humblebrag,” as it happens, was coined by the comedy writer Harris Wittels via Twitter in 2010, a fitting bookend.)

When I first saw the Tweet, my body tensed up a little, not because of a surging value judgment of the exercise, but because I doubted my ability to remember “important” things I had done, or more specifically, when the hell I had done them. I would describe my memory as impressionistic—light on specific details; heavy on mood, essence. For a while (oh, let’s say somewhere between 2010 and 2012), I worried this was going to make it really hard to be a writer, never mind the fact that I already was one. My concerns were alleviated when an author I loved described their memory in a similar way during an interview, although of course now I can’t remember who it was. Hopefully I still like their work.

So, anyway, I am probably the worst person to be commandeering a month’s worth of content about whatever-the-hell-happened between 2010 and 2020, but thankfully I am not the only person who writes for this site, and, to be fair, I’ve been Googling a Lot of Stuff since we decided that’s what December was going to be all about. That is, by the way, what December is going to be all about: the most fascinating things that happened between 2010 and 2020—what they meant and why they matter.

Here are a few topics we’ll definitely be touching on…

– How the ombré trend kind of explains everything

– Early Instagrams (annotated!)

– An assessment of words (i.e. humblebrag) invented during the 2010s

– The red carpet looks we’ll remember for at least the next 10 years

And more! That’s where you come in: What do you want to read about? Which pop culture moments demand dissection? What’s a better way to talk about the best books, movies, etc. outside of a top 10 list? What kinds of personal milestones are you reflecting on before we’re catapulted into the 2020s? Is the practice of tallying up your accomplishments at the end of a decade fatally flawed or is there some value to it?

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A Makeup Artist on the Intimacy of Working With Her Hands

In partnership with David Yurman.

Man Repeller is partnering with jewelry brand David Yurman to explore the supreme romanticism of hands. In addition to being a renowned decorator of this particular appendage, offering up all manner of artfully designed and crafted vehicles for sparkle, David Yurman is also a trained sculptor who not only works with his hands but also dreams with them. To that point, we’re publishing a three-part series spotlighting people who use their hands in creative ways. Part one kicked off with our own Leandra Medine Cohen, who examined the trajectory of her career as a writer through this lens while decked out in some of her favorite David Yurman pieces. Part two featured floral designer and Fox Fodder Farm founder Taylor Patterson, who shared the joys and challenges of making art out of flowers. Next up is Emi Kaneko, a freelance makeup artist. Read her story below.

On the Revelation That Led Her to Becoming a Makeup Artist

I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t fascinated by makeup, but I think the interest largely stemmed from how much I loved painting as a kid. I’ve always been attracted to experimenting with color and texture. I like playing dress-up and creating characters in my head, and makeup can be such a powerful tool for bringing those things to life. When I realized that makeup artistry was an actual profession, and that I could get paid to do it, and travel the world, and work with amazing, talented, creative people, I was like, “This is it.”

On How Her Makeup Aesthetic Has Evolved Since She Started

I grew up in L.A., which is definitely a “more is more” environment when it comes to makeup. Moving to New York and working on fashion shoots shaped my perspective both in terms of toning things down and thinking outside the box. I’d already developed the right skill set, but I saw a big evolution in my taste and aesthetic.

To that point, the longer I do makeup, the less I put on myself. That might sound kind of strange, but I think it comes from a place of being more comfortable with who I am and how I look. When I was younger, I used makeup as a mask to protect myself so I didn’t feel as vulnerable. It was a layer of armor–a bit of oomph that I needed while I was trying to discover myself and figure life out. Now that I’m in my thirties, I’m just like, “I’m good.” I’m content. Obviously I still play with makeup and do a full beat when I feel like it, but on an average day, I’m really happy just being me.

On the Primal Intimacy of Working With Her Hands

Because I work with my hands in such an intentional way, I feel an instant connection to the person whose makeup I’m doing. Touch is a very primal, intimate thing, and I try to use it in a way that helps people feel comfortable with me. I’m pretty gentle, which I think is important, because I don’t want it to feel forced. I’m also naturally an extrovert, which is probably why I never have an issue making small talk and touching a stranger’s face. I try to channel the mentality of a facial or a massage and make it relaxing for them.

On the Most Satisfying Thing About Being a Makeup Artist

The idea of making people feel empowered through makeup is particularly gratifying. It’s amazing how something as simple as a swipe of lipstick can give someone the confidence to do something outside their comfort zone. In a weird way, makeup can give people a voice even if they’re not actually saying anything.

Being surrounded by creativity on a daily basis is also one of my favorite things about my job. Recently, I worked on a show during New York Fashion Week for an up-and-coming brand with super talented, young designers, and the energy backstage is something I’m still carrying with me. I had full creative license with the makeup, which is always fun, but also a lot of pressure with 30 models in a short amount of time. Seeing it all come together was such a distinctive moment of euphoria, especially because the runway show only lasts for two minutes–all that momentum leading up to a single, poetic blink.

The only thing I dislike are the suitcases I use to pack all my makeup in. They’re so heavy! I can’t stand them.

On Her Advice for Aspiring Freelance Makeup Artists

You kind of need to have tunnel vision. Keep picking yourself up and putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes a job works out and sometimes it doesn’t, but that’s the nature of being a freelancer. That constant feeling of, “Is the job going to confirm? Is it not going to confirm?” never goes away, no matter how good you are or how long you’ve been doing the work. So believe in your talent, don’t take anything personally, and keep moving forward no matter what.

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Photos by Sabrina Santiago.

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Mark My Words: 2020 Will Be The Year of Being Medium Online

I have a prediction for 2020, and it’s that it will be the year of being not extremely online, not extremely offline, but rather medium online. In the age of feeling at once tightly wound and burned out, I’d like to imagine the near future will bring about some element of hive mind, where a collective intolerance for tech’s ubiquity and our desire to be constantly connected lands us somewhere in between the two.

Or maybe I’m just projecting. I’m finding the funny, mundane, oxymoronic idea of extreme moderation to be kind of aspirational. How can I take advantage of technology and screens where they’re really helpful, and reject them where they’re not? How can I introduce the analog back into my lifestyle? How can I organize my day so it doesn’t feel like bopping from one kind of screen to the next? And how can I stay tethered to the online world, but treat it like a pen pal instead of an all-encompassing alternate reality? These are the questions I asked myself when I began to experiment with being medium online myself.

My inspiration came in the form of an unwelcome reckoning. Over the course of this last year, I’ve noticed that my most prized feature, a long attention span, has started to erode. I blame the infinitely expanding browser tabs and the burning blue Retina displays everywhere I turn. Writer Anne Helen Petersen once described her days as “switching between inboxes until I pass out,” and I relate to this more acutely every day. And nothing makes me feel like an aimless truffle pig quite like my social media habit. It’s trained me to always be searching for a nugget of intrigue that is actually so easily found—in spades—elsewhere (a bookshelf! a magazine’s archive! a newspaper! my Criterion Collection subscription!). When I think about the apparatus of social media and interrogate my interest in it for more than three seconds, I find it so boring.

While stewing on the ideas of extreme moderation and analog dieting, I heard a rumor that my friends at The Smudge had created an entirely analog issue of their monthly newspaper. In tribute to the underground, independent papers of the 60s and 70s that originally inspired them, Liana Jegers and Clay Hickson planned their July issue by typing up letters and mailing them, with a pre-addressed return postcard included, to their contributors in February. They cut out templates for columns so the contributors knew how much space they had to fill, and everyone hand-wrote and illustrated their piece for the month. (There was one wildcard: “Our science and tech correspondent sent back an envelope of leaves, petals, berries, and twigs from a walk he took.”) To layout the issue, Jegers and Hickson employed scissors, rubber cement, and their typewriter: “We spent about four full days cutting and pasting together the issue. It felt good to sit at a big table with all these tools and make a big mess and eat bowls of cereal for every meal because we didn’t want to take a break from what we were doing.”
As a result of this experiment, Jegers and Hickson stumbled upon the magic of making a medium-online newspaper: “We learned for ourselves that in moments that we feel stumped or a project feels stale, the best thing to do is to step away from the computer and back to these physical tools.” They invested in a new typewriter and continue to create columns like The Smudge’s Classifieds with it. “We’ve done other issues balanced in the middle of old and new tech,” Jegers told me, “like this summer’s Medieval issue where we typed it up using an Olde English typeface from our typewriter and made hand drawn drop caps, scanned it all, but laid it out on the computer.”

At a certain point every afternoon, I feel allergic to screens. Like a flight crew, I time out. To remedy this, I head outside for a walk, and feel a twinge of defeat each time I encounter a new LinkNYC monitor installed on a New York street or a screen glaring from the top of a taxi. I’m out here walking because I’m trying to escape!

I know I’m not alone in this feeling, because the proof is in the publishing pudding. There’s been a groundswell of recently released books on the topic: 24/6: The Power of Unplugging One Day a Week by Tiffany Shlain, Digital Minimalism: On Living Better with Less Technology by Cal Newport, and Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life by Nir Eyal, to name a few. And it’s no secret that How to Do Nothing by Jenny Odell holds court as a Man Repeller HQ favorite.

The urge to reprogram my habits mounted all summer, culminating in a real pang for change in August. Over the course of a week, I unsubscribed from the vast majority of my newsletters, turned off the most pestering of push notifications, and set my “Social” screen time to five minutes a day, acknowledging that I didn’t need to be the friend who knew the intricacies of every Twitter controversy or who stood at the forefront of every meme. I traded the hyper-efficiency of subway-going to more often taking the bus—maybe the most medium-online option in New York’s MTA system. I researched tools like the Lightphone, and considered the upsides of being medium-reachable. I then tested a few unusual approaches, using a few quasi-oldfangled apparatuses and strategies to mediate my relationship with technology. They were as follows.

1. Tech Shabbat

In her book 24/6, Tiffany Shlain recommends adopting one element of a traditional Jewish Shabbat: no technology after sundown on Friday night. Shlain’s family has been turning off all screens for a full day each week for a decade, and she says it’s reconfigured the family’s relationship to technology and to each other. For the TL;DR version of her book, you can get the gist in eleven minutes here.

I came of age in the era of the analog phase-out, particularly in school: I was one of the last students to use my high school’s darkroom, and in the last class of my college’s film department to shoot with a super 16mm camera, the Bolex, and then edit the long tangles of film on a colossal machine called the Steenbeck. I stood on a now-mythological “cutting room floor.” Seeking out a (partial) return to my analog roots, Shlain’s Tech Shabbat offered the most direct path.

I gave it a whirl a few weeks ago, and look forward to instating another soon. In the daylight of Friday, I printed out a bunch of reading material for a project I’ve been researching, and I looked forward to sundown like it was an event. Excited to dig into my stack of papers without distraction, I scribbled notes all over with my new Marvy pens and lost track of time. My one grumble was that all my music is digital, so it turned out to be an awfully quiet night. Do you remember the 2010s, when all of those thinkpieces bubbled up in The New York Times, redefining the “hipster” who lives ironically in our modern times? The lasting memory of these stories makes me feel guilty for wanting a portable turntable, but that’s where I’m at these days.

There’s strength in numbers, so I’d recommend rallying a group if you’re giving a Tech Shabbat a go.

2. QWERKYWRITER

This summer I spent a good bit of time allowing my mind and my cursor to wander to the topic of typewriters. (Blame the strange alchemy of reading this story, “Typewriter Man,” by Ian Frazier and an interview with biographer Robert Caro about his noisy process in the same month.) I sized a few machines up at a New England antiques emporium, and fantasized about a Valentine Olivetti that I’ve only ever seen behind glass in my college’s museum. The dream kind of died when I became intimidated by typewriter ribbon, which I’ve never handled before, and when I considered that I’d be filing my drafts to Haley Nahman via the U.S. Postal Service instead of Google Docs.

In my research, I struck middle-ground: The QWERKYWRITER is a Bluetooth keyboard that syncs to, in my case, an iPad, thereby encouraging some tunnel-vision on a device that only shows one application at a time, soothing me with the manual clack-clack-clacking of its tactile keys. I was most excited to try the QWERKYWRITER because it most obviously paid homage to the innovations of the past (a typewriter’s “disruptive” technology remains so underrated—it was an all-in-one, instantaneous word processor and printer!). While I loved the QWERKYWRITER, for both its handsome optics and its silliness, the ratio of screen to keyboard threw me off; my iPad seemed so minuscule in its cradle. Maybe there’s something to be said for this transfer of power, though—with a keyboard that dwarfs a screen, I can see myself asserting control over technology instead of feeling like tech governs me.

I concluded that the QWERKYWRITER might be best suited to impassioned correspondence, bringing the romance and drama back into writing emails, and maybe not as much to high-volume typing projects like writing The Next Great American Novel. Either way, perching at the foot of the QWERKYWRITER made me feel like Paul Dano in Ruby Sparks.

3. OSTRICHPILLOW

For years, I’d been admiring OSTRICHPILLOW’s “Immersive Napping Pillow” from afar, and figured that the time was nigh to try it. To paint a picture, it looks like a Teletubby has taken over your head. (On a bad day, you might bear likeness to one of the aliens in the Spice World movie.) I liked repurposing OSTRICHPILLOW as a tool for my analog diet because the technology is simple: All it does is obstruct your face from a screen, or from anything for that matter. That said, while the OSTRICHPILLOW was both snuggly and well-ventilated, I found that the hardest thing about it was admitting to myself that I needed a break. Everything after that was soft, muffled, and easy.

I think the ultimate luxury would be putting on the OSTRICHPILLOW while sounding the bells of a meditation app, but I haven’t tried it yet.

4. Freewrite

My fieldwork revealed that the Freewrite, in comparison with the QWERKYWRITER, was the more orthodox choice among medium-online writers. When I asked product design company Astrohaus about borrowing their Freewrite to test out, they warned that it might take some getting used to. The Freewrite is a distraction-free writing tool that answers the question: What if a label-maker and an Etch-a-Sketch had a baby? But the underlying tech is nifty as all hell and, with a Kindle-like display, only as sophisticated as it needs to be: It uploads your text to a Cloud of your choice as you write. Astrohaus told me it’s “designed to fit within a writing methodology where you draft top to bottom and edit later on your computer…. You can delete words but there are no arrow keys on the device for this reason; everything is intended to keep the writer moving forward.” I accepted the challenge and found myself pleasantly surprised.

In conversation, it’s all too easy and also frowned-upon to always be thinking about the next thing you’re going to say, and yet this mindset is somehow impossible to replicate when sitting down to write. The Freewrite is the closest I’ve come to simulating this experience when writing. Without arrow keys and the ability to edit your work as you write, this device makes you indulge in your own thought process. It did feel like a burden had been lifted when I realized there’d be no way to check my email or receive texts on its interface. Earning its name, the Freewrite’s ideal for a first go at a rough draft.

5. Notepad

This is a good old-fashioned notepad, a gift that only months ago I never thought I’d use. In the last few months, I’ve written many a rough draft on this personalized notepad, sometimes in the passenger seat of a car. I went back to my high school history class for a day and took notes with it, too. Seeing my handwriting (a visual that is near non-existent on social media) on buttery paper reminds me that I’m not a drone. My enthusiasm for this item opened the floodgates to a few new Moleskines, picked out with painstaking particularity at McNally Jackson, in the same amount of time I’ve dedicated to selecting a laptop model. I’d rate this notepad I found in my desk drawer as my favorite piece of technology yet.

Tell me all the ways that you’ve carved out small moments of an analog existence—I’m taking notes.

Graphic by Lorenza Centi. Photos by Edith Young and via The Smudge.

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3 Current Trends You Should (and Can!) Buy Vintage

Over the past decade, I’ve honed my skills as a vintage hunter, graduating from curious novice to downright seasoned professional. I’ve seen triumph (the Moschino suit I wore here), and I’ve seen tragedy (my mom cramming a 70s jacket my sister and I once fought over relentlessly into an airport trash can after it shed all over the plane). In more recent years, I’ve found that shopping vintage is particularly useful in situations where I might once have turned to fast fashion, like when I’m itching for something new and experimental but not able to pay brand-new designer prices. In addition to the more environmentally-friendly aspect of vintage shopping, there’s also a special thrill that comes from giving an old garment new life. Scroll down to what I mean–there’s a little guide to three of 2019’s micro trends, ripe for vintage reimagining, below.

1. Period Piece-Worthy White Blouses
My small collection of 70s-does-Victorian blousesVintage top, Re/Done jeans

As evidenced by what Harling recently dubbed “Renaissancecore”, the simple white blouses of summers past have grown up into lacy, pearl-buttoned confections worthy of Michelangelo’s attention, not to mention wintry ensembles. They can be dressed up with trousers and historically accurate sleeve garters à la Gucci or pared down with jeans and a sweater for an easy-like-Sunday-morning Celine dupe. You could even swap in some heart-shaped buttons for an extra dose of Marc Jacobs-inspired cuteness. Luckily for us, the variety of dramatic white blouses in the vintage world is endless. Nearly every decade from the 1860s through the 1980s offers a strong contender, from high-necked haughty lace numbers to pointy-collared preppy button-downs. As you pursue the perfect one for you:

– Know what can be repaired: White blouses are essentially a blank canvas, so any sort of damage to them is instantly visible. Big patches of yellowed or browned fabric are not fixable. Rips in lace or delicate fabrics like silk are very difficult and costly to repair. On the other hand, missing buttons and tears along cuffs, collars, or seams of the shirt can easily be repaired or replaced by any tailor. Stains or small brown spots from age can often be removed with a little extra scrub in the wash, which brings us to…

– Clean your vintage properly: If an item is discolored, soak it in a bath of warm water with a few drops of delicate detergent. If you don’t have any delicate detergent on hand and you need to wear your new vintage piece, like, tonight, use a squirt of mild hand soap or organic shampoo instead. Avoid stronger detergents that you would put in the washing machine; these are too abrasive for older fabrics. While the item is soaking, use another piece of fabric like a washcloth or dish towel to scrub at stubborn spots. When it seems like stains are beginning to lift out of the garment (wait at least an hour), drain the soapy water, rinse the garment repeatedly under running water until clean, and air dry.

Send items that are pleated or have beaded or embroidered details to the dry cleaner! And if something you find decides to bring a smell along with it, hang it by a window to air out for a day or two and send if off to the dry cleaner too, posthaste.

– Familiarize yourself with historical styles: Do a little bit of market research before you make a purchase. Brushing up on the stylistic differences between, say, a Victorian blouse and a less valuable, often mislabeled Edwardian blouse could mean saving a hefty sum! Victorian revival pieces made in the 70s are great because they’re less expensive and made from more durable, machine-washable fabric blends.

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2. Strong-Shouldered Mini Dresses
A buttoned-up blazer can do double duty as a mini dress too!Vintage Escada blazer, Calzedonia tights, Etsy bow

In recent years, brands like The Attico, Rotate by Birger Christensen, and Alessandra Rich have won the hearts of many with their ultra-short dresses with padded and puffed shoulders. Something about the combination of a power shoulder with a party dress feels distinctly modern, but a quick perusal of 80s prom catalogues is proof enough that there’s plenty of B.S.E. (Big Sleeve Energy) leftover from bygone eras. With a little imagination and a lack of corsage, these once-teenage wares will be ready to dance at some decidedly grown-up holiday parties.

– Take it to the tailor: Love the puff sleeves or moody floral print on a dress but hate the way it grazes your ankles? Take it to your tailor and have them shorten it as much as you like. In general, hemlines are easy and inexpensive to adjust, but steer clear of anything that would need tailoring in the waist or shoulders, as these areas are much trickier to adjust. And don’t feel like it’s sacrilege to make big changes to a vintage piece–if it’s been out in the world for awhile now, chances are it’s already been to the tailor many times.

– Pick a period: When shopping vintage, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of items available in shops and online. It helps to narrow things down the style or silhouette you’re looking for by time period. Many vintage stores are organized by decade, and online listings will almost always include the time period if you search by keyword. If you’re looking for a dead ringer in the realm of the designers mentioned above, stick to the 80s. If you want something that shows even more leg, explore 60s mod mini dresses. And if you want extra-festive beads-and-sequins-galore, look to the 20s.

– Read the label: This tip is borrowed from vintage maven Stacey Nishimoto, who finds all sorts of vintage eye candy for her online shop The Corner Store. If you find an item you love with a label from a brand you’ve never heard of, plug the name into eBay and Etsy. Chances are that there’s more from said brand floating around in the vintage atmosphere. I’ve found that this technique is particularly helpful with fancier items like party dresses because so many now-defunct high-end labels are still in the hands of faithful collectors on the internet.

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3. Varsity Sweaters
This sweater was a recent find for $12, and now it’s one of my everyday favorites.Vintage sweater, Alison Lou earrings

Bored of your sweaters already? Yeah, me too. With winter fast approaching, it’s time to get things (pumpkin) spiced up (sorry) in the knitwear department. Might I suggest a varsity sweater? Off-White, Alexander Wang, and my beloved Gucci all offer beautiful takes this season, but a quick search of the term “varsity sweater” in the vintage section of Etsy reveals nearly 2,000 options at a fraction of the price. A few things to keep in mind as you peruse:

– Material matters: Always read the care tag or message the seller for information about a garment’s material before purchasing. In general, natural fibers like cotton or denim will be sturdier and last longer than man-made fabrics. When it comes to sweaters, if you’re looking for warmth seek out wool and cashmere. However, if you have a low tolerance for scratchiness, you might prefer the feel of something in a polyester or acrylic blend.

– Choose handmade: When searching for sweaters, keep an eye out for items without labels or that specify in an online listing that they were hand-knitted. Not only are these knits one-of-a-kind, but they are also more durable because they’re typically knitted in one piece rather than machine-stitched together like a factory-made sweater. Also, there’s something extra cozy about wearing a sweater made by a grandmother, even if she’s not your own.

– Sort by color: Another way to sift through seemingly endless racks or pages of vintage is to limit yourself by color. Avoiding shopping fatigue is the name of the game here. Narrow your search to one or two colors and do your best to not let your eye wander elsewhere. When searching online, be as specific as possible, e.g. “Kelly green varsity sweater with pockets.”

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With a little patience and a healthy dose of TLC, you’ll find that a good vintage piece will outlast any trend–but that doesn’t mean it can’t participate in one as well. I have a much-loved lace dress from the 20s who will be turning 100 next year. Drop me a suggestion as to what we should do for her birthday in the comments. Oh yeah, and show me what you get, too!

The post 3 Current Trends You Should (and Can!) Buy Vintage appeared first on Man Repeller.

A Fashion Film More Deranged Than ‘Phantom Thread’ and 30 Other Things to Watch This Holiday

In Paul Thomas Anderson’s poisonous courtship film Phantom Thread, Daniel Day Lewis’s couturier Reynolds Woodcock pins a little label inside a wedding dress he’s designing for a princess: In charming cursive, sewn with lavender thread, it reads “never cursed.” It’s a romantic gesture in a movie that’s a bit more toxic than the norm, one that inspires a sudden need for quaint, hand-sewn blessings on all items inside the closet. But the hot item this season is the evil twin of that elegant garment: the “always cursed” alternative, fitting for these increasingly cursed times.

Speaking of getting cursed while wearing red—I ripped my tights while pulling them up in the Metrograph bathroom. (Vintage ’70s coat.)

Dear 2019, meet In Fabric, Peter Strickland’s sartorial horror film about a red dress that has a murderous grip on its wearer; it’s even more frightening than the fiery number worn by Tilda Swinton in Suspiria. By the way, that film may also come to mind during In Fabric, with its coven of witchy department store clerks, led by one evil Mother Superior-esque Fatma Mohamed, who speaks in riddles with a thick Romanian accent and whips her body around while the dress unleashes havoc, first on a lonely, middle-aged woman (Marianne Jean-Baptiste) and then on a recently engaged couple. It also appropriately stars Gwendoline Christie, who has a penchant for head-turning appearances on the red carpet. In Fabric frightens with a wink—it’s aware of its ludicrous leanings and has way more fun than the usual “elevated horror” genre that feels stuffy and pretentious. Plus, there’s an anti-capitalist sentiment that blows up in sublime, climactic fashion.

What to Stream This Weekend—And Which Movie Tickets to Splurge On

The latest must-see coming-of-age film is freshly out in theaters and on Netflix: Mati Diop’s Atlantics, a Senegalese film about a 17-year-old girl who is in love with one man but is to be married to another. This forbidden-love drama is gorgeous and ghostly, and should be top priority viewing. Diop, who had starred in Claire Denis’s 2008 film 35 Shots of Rum, has proven with her directorial debut feature that her mesmerizing power holds behind the camera as well.

Other noteworthy, new-to-stream films include Scorsese’s The Irishman (now on Netflix, for those who need regular leg stretches during a 209-minute runtime), or its predecessor gangster flick about the corrupt American Dream, Chinatown (now on Hulu). If you need something to throw on after a smashing dinner party, turn to Clue (new on Showtime) and then bust out the real board game afterwards to get murderously meta. For those craving a classic love story, Shakespeare in Love and the New Year’s-appropriate When Harry Met Sally are also now streaming on Showtime.

Put ‘Atlantics’ on the top of your Netflix queue ASAP—or better yet, immerse yourself in it on the big screen.

With new-to-theaters films, sprint, don’t stroll, to see the Safdie brothers’ Uncut Gems when it comes out on December 13. The film is set in 2012, a year that somehow already inspires deep nostalgia (what version iPhone is that again?). Of the many great things it does, the film evokes such a time (the better half of this decade) and place (Manhattan’s Diamond District). I’ve already declared the return of the rimless glasses last month, thanks to the transitional Cartier pair Sandler wears. The film is not out yet, but the color mustard yellow has already fully become Sandler’s. I know you can already picture it: the iconic polo he wears peeking under a leather jacket. It’s a yellow passed down from Faye Dunaway’s Bonnie to Alicia Silverstone’s Cher. Now it’s Sandler’s time to shine in that golden hue. It’s become fashion-in-film canon.

Another new film that’s become a bit of a talk of the town: Trey Edward Schults’s Waves, about an African-American family whose dynamic is ripped apart by a tragedy. It’s got an excellent soundtrack (like, eight Frank Ocean songs!) and newcomer talent (Taylor Russell, who’s empathetic performance is heartbreaking, and Euphoria’s Alexa Demie, who’s becoming a teen drama fixture). There’s a good 30 minutes that could be shaved from the film, and its dizzying camerawork was a little too exhibitionist for my taste (and did not help the already anxiety-inducing plot line!). At the film’s tensest moment, a woman sitting next to me yelled out, “I CAN’T!” and got on Instagram to defuse the situation. I usually hate phone usage in theaters, but I could not blame her. On the bright side, this is a film that gets much better, thanks in large part to the shift in focus on Russell, whose presence is a balm. Perhaps you’ll have an easier time getting on its Waveslength, though.

Silent Night, Unholy Night?

Y’all know what time of year it is… That’s right, there’s a new Christmas Prince movie on the way, baby (December 5 on Netflix). Emphasis on baby because this third entry is about the addition of a little one to the royal family. Why bedeviled, you ask? Because I’ve only ever watched a Christmas Prince movie browned out on turkey during Thanksgiving, and it always leaves behind a fever dream-like memory. But this one is especially sus because the tagline is “expect the unexpected,” which only makes me think something Rosemary’s Baby-ish is going to happen.

Still, a potential Satan spawn probably won’t be as unholy as another Christmastime production: Cats. Will it live up to the months-long Internet roasting it endured? Will it set a precedent for 2020 and the new decade? I shudder to imagine. And while we’re on the topic of cringey Christmas-ish movies, two too-cheesy-not-to-watch 007 flicks of the Pierce Brosnan variety are hitting Netflix in December including The World Is Not Tomorrow, which stars Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones, named that all so James Bond can post-coitously say, “I thought Christmas only comes once a year.” Sigh.

I want to wear that green gown on Christmas and the pink one on New Year’s. (From Whit Stillman’s ‘Metropolitan.’)

If you’re looking for other sacrilegious ways to celebrate, head over to Metrograph for their annual screening of Eyes Wide Shut (watch on 35mm for the censored orgy or stay at home for the, umm, full experience). Or for something a little less R-rated, head to the same arthouse theater on December 1 for Metropolitan, with writer-director Whit Stillman in person for a Q&A. The unlikable but impossible-not-to-be-fascinated-by Upper East Side crowd here call themselves the UHB (“urban haute bourgeoisie”). Stillman’s dialogue is, as always, sharp, witty, and precise in its depiction of a certain class, and the outfits are so very 80s prom. (For those who cannot experience Stillman IRL, the film is free on the Showtime app or available to rent.)

Make the Stillman viewing a twofer with The Last Days of Disco, also playing at Metrograph, also available to rent or to stream for free with Starz. Starring Chloe Sevigny and Kate Beckinsale, the film made my recent iconic female friendships list, and though it sits closer on the unrealistic scale in the ranking, we’re all probably familiar with this brand of toxic femininity to a degree. Good news is, Stillman has rendered this one so fun to watch, and then packed it with a bank-breaking soundtrack of disco’s greatest hits. I love Metropolitan but The Last Days of Disco is a masterpiece (I don’t throw that word around easily!).

We Are…Family?
Continuing on the theme of red dresses being cursed. But how divine is Divine in ‘Pink Flamingos’?

Speaking of disco, Sister Sledge famously sang, “We are family,” but oh how easily that sentiment gets chucked out the frosted window during the holiday season. It’s no surprise everyone is programming dysfunctional family flicks in the final quarter of the year. Quad Cinema has picked out five frictional family flicks. I recently watched Ingmar Bergman’s Autumn Sonata on Criterion Channel, starring the other I. Bergman (Ingrid) as a matriarch that brings up years of guilt and resentment. If that kind of passive-aggressive slow-brewing is not your beat, go full-out filthy with John Waters’s gloriously trashy Pink Flamingos (though you’ll have to do a little more digging to watch this one at home).

In their ever-growing “Mommy Issues” collection, Criterion Channel will be adding the mother-daughter classic Terms of Endearment on December 12. Though this Oscar winner is a tear-jerker about heartbreak and illness, I have not been able to stop thinking about the fact that Shirley Maclaine and Debra Winger’s long-running, infamous feud involves Winger farting in Maclaine’s face. Now you know, too—and you’re welcome.

Here’s me before a movie at MoMA getting in the grandmaternal mood (is that a word?) with my grandma’s old coat. Worn with H&M shirt, vintage Versace pants, and Prada headband.

Go all out on the fraught family theme when Noah Baumbach’s Marriage Story (already out in select theaters) becomes widely available when it lands on Netflix on December 6. I’m such a sucker for Baumbach films and this one, about Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson as divorcing parents who lug heir baggage bicoastally between New York and L.A., had me inevitably whipping out the Marriage Story-branded tissues they were giving out at the Paris Theater (thanks for looking out, Netflix). Driver’s Charlie is a thinly-veiled stand-in for Baumbach himself (he and Jennifer Jason Leigh divorced in 2010), and despite Johansson’s Nicole having the comedically cutting feminist lawyer by her side (played brilliantly by Laura Dern), it’s a film that lets its leading man off the hook a little too easily. Some messy flaws aside, I really loved this one.

Baumbach’s current partner, Greta Gerwig, of course, has her own movie coming out—Little Women, duh—with a star in common: Laura Dern. This could make Baumbach and Gerwig the first couple to duke it out in the Best Director category at the Oscars. (The closest we came to that was when exes James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow competed in 2010, with Bigelow, the only female Best Director winner ever, taking home the golden statue.) Anyway, I’m sorry to report that despite the several screenings for Little Women that already got critics abuzz, yours truly has yet to see a peep beyond the trailer. I wait in anticipation with the rest of you.

Women Behind the Camera: We Love to See It

The late godmother of French cinema, Agnès Varda, has a final, posthumous film out now. Varda by Agnès is a comprehensive look back at her career, narrated by the ever so clever and compassionate Varda herself, that is a must-see for any fan. The autobiographical doc made me want to revisit Varda’s filmography, and my prayers were answered with Lincoln Center’s extensive retrospective, which runs from December 20 to January 6. Shortly after her death, I made this mini viewing guide for The Cut, but there’s so much more to discover from the series (or stream, if you can’t make it out). I’ve had the One Sings, the Other Doesn’t Blu-ray for a minute, but have been saving myself for a big-screen watch—which I will do this winter.

Not just a film legend, but also a style icon. Here’s Varda in a Gucci silk pajama set and her signature two-tone bowl cut.

The Criterion Channel’s December lineup is too damn good, it’s gonna make me hibernate and watch movies for the rest of the winter. Of the many new things coming to the cineaste’s choice of streaming service are collections for the new female auteurs of arthouse: Toni Erdmann director Maren Ade, American Honey director Andrea Arnold, and Céline Sciamma, whose newest, the lesbian period piece Portrait of a Lady On Fire, will skewer hearts in December and then on Valentine’s Day when it gets the wide release. Swoon! Sob!

And on the note of smouldering French women, Juliette Binoche is getting an extensive retrospective on the Criterion Channel starting December 15 (13 whole movies from her filmography!). They’re all worth watching, but I’d prioritize her collaborations with Leos Carax (Mauvais Sang and The Lovers on the Bridge). If you want to reminisce on warmer days, Olivier Assayas’s Summer Hours, about sibling bonding in the wake of their mother’s death, is perfectly wistful. (Edith Scob, who plays the mother, passed away earlier this year.)

Meanwhile, I reminisce on the slightly-warmer days of a couple months past, when I was on a big suit kick. Wearing Isabel Marant Étoile shirt, Ralph Lauren blazer, Maje pants, and Shrimps bag at Lincoln Center.
End-of-Year Catch-Up

Santa’s not the only one making lists this month. It’s time for year-end list-making, and maybe you’re feeling the fire under your butt to catch up on 2019’s bests. It’s overwhelming, isn’t it? Well let me hold your hand through this. Hop on the Criterion Channel once again to stream Diamantino, directed by Gabriel Abrantes and Daniel Schmidt (for its exclusive streaming premiere on December 2). I’ve been championing this movie to everyone I know, but for those who have yet to hear from me: please watch it, I beg of you. There’s nothing like it out there, and nothing I tell you about it will do its sheer innovativeness any justice (it’s a fantasy espionage action comedy about a Portuguese soccer star, complete with gigantic puppies, evil twins, and a cloning scheme). I know, I confused you even more. Just trust me on this one.

 

I was just in Memphis last month for my favorite film festival (Indie Memphis) and to hit up my all-time favorite vintage store, Fox+Cat Vintage. I bought my entire outfit from there: ’80s Escada pants, ’90s Escada heels, vintage cashmere sweater (Ballantyne) under vintage wool sweater (Alexander’s).

My number one favorite movie of the year is a Japanese doppelganger romantic drama called Asako I&II, though it isn’t available online yet (just jot down that title somewhere for when it is streaming). My other must-watch from the year is the Korean film Hotel by the River, a poignant black-and-white film about loss of love and end-of-life contemplation. It’s rentable on iTunes and—pardon the self-plug—on Blu-ray and DVD, with a booklet essay by moi. Also make sure to watch Jia Zhangke’s Ash Is Purest White, Bi Gan’s Long Day Journey Into Night, and Sydney Pollack’s recently-finished Aretha Franklin documentary, Amazing Grace, which is available on Hulu. Let Aretha take you to church—and purge all that cursed energy from 2019.

 

Cover Image via A24

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MR Writers Club Prompt: The Sliding-Doors Moment of the 2010s

Have you heard of the Man Repeller Writers Club? Every month we pose a story idea, you write about it and then send it to us (write@manrepeller.com) with the subject line “MR Writers Club.” We go through all submissions and post the winner at the end of the month. Ready? Let’s go.

I’ll always resent the acclaimed 1998 film Sliding Doors because the clever premise of the movie—that one inconsequential action could change the course of someone’s life—was also, by chance, the premise of the only good novel idea I’ve ever had. Years ago, I wanted to write a book or script wherein a character was conflicted about something, and then explore the two parallel realities that would result from each choice. When I was telling my friend Danny about it, he said: “That’s a good idea, but I think you just described the plot of Sliding Doors.” (I’ve never forgiven him.)

Anyway, when I finally saw the movie last year, I had to admit it was fun. Cheesy but fun, maybe because I’m a sucker for a plot twist. I’m also a sucker for imagining real-life sliding door moments, like: What if my parents had moved to Campbell instead of Mountain View, as they almost did before I was born? What would have happened had Leandra never seen my email to her in 2016? What if I’d never left my ex? It’s an entertaining (and occasionally revealing) exercise.

So, as we near the end of another decade and face an onslaught of pop culture roundups none of us asked for but will probably read anyway, why not apply some the same questions to the standout moments of the 2010s? Such as: What if Gaga had worn something else the night she wore her now-iconic meat dress? What if Kanye hadn’t interrupted Taylor’s acceptance speech? What if Cara Delevingne’s had plucked her eyebrows? For this month’s writers club prompt, we want you to pick a pop culture moment or phenomenon from the last decade and imagine its Sliding Doors-esque alternate reality, and send it to write@manrepeller.com in 500 words or less by December 18th. Be weird, get imaginative, blow our minds. I’ll be over here fine-tuning my next novel idea, which hopefully no one will tell me resembles The Butterfly Effect.

The post MR Writers Club Prompt: The Sliding-Doors Moment of the 2010s appeared first on Man Repeller.

3 Nontraditional Families on How It Feels to Be “Different”

Whether you cherish your family or merely put up with them, you’ll find something to relate to in the below story. Originally published in November 2017 and featuring three nontraditional families, it’s a good reminder that family is what you make it (even if that means making your own). 

When you hear “traditional family,” what comes to mind? A doting mother and father, 2.5 kids and a Golden Retriever? Maybe a white-picket fence and a color-coordinated holiday photo? As prosaic and vanilla as that may sound, the old school notion of what constitutes a family is one that still pervades American culture.

But there’s “notion,” and there’s reality. I asked three “unconventional” families how it feels to scribble and sketch outside antiquated familial lines, and each described the unique joys of their different, respective households. Today, it may seem more common to be uncommon, but their stories prove that representation still has a long way to go. Read on to meet three American families who challenge the outdated stereotype that demands they look a certain way, and who have had a lot of fun in the process.

Malene and Dasez

Malene Younglao, 40, is a chef and urban farmer. She lives with her son Dasez, 10, in New York City.

How’d your family come together?

Eleven years ago, I was a front woman of a touring indie punk band. I had just come back from my homeland of Trinidad and Tobago, when I ran into Ade’s father–a very cool, extremely talented and well-respected artist. We fell into deep like, then eventually love. That love was what would become Ade. One kid, a very storybook destination wedding in Tobago, and three years later, he and I split. Ade’s dad then moved back to his hometown of Pittsburgh to plant new roots, while Ade and I stayed in New York City where he was born and I was raised. Ever since then, it’s been primarily him and me, Ade and Mama causing a fuss in these New Yawk skreets…

What does “traditional family” mean to you? 
Dasez and Malene

When I hear “traditional family,” I think mom, dad, two kids, a dog and a condo in Park Slope, Brooklyn. You know–stroller moms in Prospect Park and vacations in Martha’s Vineyard. I️ actually had that for two years after he was born, but that just wasn’t me–or his dad. In fact, I think I believed that once you have kids, that’s what you should be, and comparing who we were to that standard hurt our relationship.

I don’t come from a traditional family. We are very blended. I have four parents, nine siblings and grew up between two biological parents who, during my childhood, lived in separate countries. I never saw myself married or being a mom. The way some girls would dream of their weddings, I would dream about independence and a very Cher-after-Sonny existence. When I got pregnant with Ade, I was 29 and still performing. His dad and I were in a whirlwind romance at the time, and I was like, “Why not?” It wasn’t a planned thing, just a byproduct of love and adventure I guess. Two artists in love.

That perspective changed when Ade turned two and I went back on the road. I really missed the feeling of knowing who I was because I felt like a fish out of water with the stroller stay-at-home mom posse. So I went back to what made me feel electric. But while gone for that year, I really missed Ade and was really unfulfilled and lonely when I️ got off the stage. I knew then that, although I wasn’t cut out for the stroller mom life, this little person had changed me. I️ knew I would have to figure out my own version of the stability. So I switched gears and dedicated myself to becoming a horticulturist. As an urban farmer and chef, I bring the same rock star passion and creativity to my work. This way, I️’m super fulfilled, and he gets stability and cool-ass experiences.

What’s surprised you in a good way about carving your own path?

Being his mom has raised me. It’s like this whole experience became my parent. It’s really tested the stuff I️’m made of and affirmed my experience in ways I could have never imagined. Every day I️’m challenged to get up and do things that aren’t self-serving while balancing my own dreams and existence.

What’s been harder than expected?

Maintaining the balance. I take our Jedi/Padawan thing very seriously, but it requires that I be an ocean and not a puddle, so I can facilitate his growth. More often than not, I can feel my depth of understanding and boundaries being tested. It’s uncomfortable. But growth is uncomfortable and rewarding.

Do you have any memorable anecdotes around the fact that your family is “untraditional”?

Ade’s father lives in Pittsburg. They have a close relationship, but don’t see each other as often as they would both like. One day, Ade came home from school talking about how he didn’t have a mom and dad who were still together and it wasn’t normal. That troubled me, because above all I want him to know that he is complete and whole. I explained to him that our family, though unconventional, is super cool. That turned into a conversation about happiness and challenging societal norms, which ultimately turned into a conversation about patriarchy and how a family is just as valid with a mom only, a dad only, two moms, two dads, a mom and a dad and any other variation. What matters most is that whatever the makeup of the family, it’s a safe, healthy and supportive place for everyone to live their best lives.

How do you feel now when you think of your family?

I feel happy and proud. I love our duo. We have so much fun! I get to teach him all the things that I wish someone taught me. I think we are a testament to creative new school parenting and a whole lotta old school, good old-fashioned love.

Annie, Polly, Patrick, and Jack

Annie Harper, 44, writer, publishing strategist, and Executive Editor at Interlude Press, is married to Polly Flint, 44, counselor at Ali Forney Center. They live in Nyack, New York with their son Jack, 12. Patrick Bradbury, 45, Jack’s father, lives in Tuxedo, New York and owns a boutique communications agency, Bradbury Lewis.

How’d your family come together?

Patrick and Annie met when they were teenagers and formed a close friendship. Annie met Polly in Wisconsin when they were both 23, and they got married two years later. Patrick stood up for Annie at the wedding. So we were already family when we started the conversation [about having Jack], in the sense that we were good friends who celebrated holidays together, vacationed together, etc.

(from left to right) Patrick, Polly, Jack, Annie

There’s some debate about who first brought up the idea of making a baby together, [between the three of us]. Patrick says it was his dad who mentioned it one Thanksgiving. Polly says Patrick mentioned it the year after the wedding. Whoever said it first, we talked about it for a few years before we made a concrete plan.

Patrick and Annie are both Pisces, so all three of us would travel to Santa Fe together for their March birthdays. We were staying in a mountain cabin at 8,500 feet when we decided we weren’t just going to make a baby together; we would become a family.

Since Patrick had an established career in New York and Annie was a writer who could benefit from more opportunities in the city, we agreed that Annie and Polly would move to Brooklyn. We lived in the same brownstone — Patrick on the third floor, and Annie and Polly on the fourth. It was a wonderfully convenient way for Patrick to be part of Jack’s life when he was an infant. When Jack was two years old, Annie and Polly moved out to Nyack, in the Lower Hudson Valley. Patrick moved to nearby Tuxedo a couple of years later.

What does “traditional family” mean to you?

Although we are unconventional by society’s standards, we are quite traditional. Jack always has a parent at home, we have family dinners, we all show up at games and school events. We celebrate every holiday, birthday, father’s day, mother’s day and birthday together.

We’re all just lake kids, living in New York. When we take our son back to the lakes we grew up on, often all together, we about as postcard-traditional as you can get.

Jack wanted to add: “A family doesn’t have to be related. A family is people who care for each other and stand up for each other.”

What’s surprised you in a good way about carving your own path?

Everyone — including Jack — agrees that it’s all been pretty seamless. We have an ease about us that we fell into pretty quickly. That ease is partly due to our shared values and common experience, having grown up in the same part of the country. But it’s also because we’re old friends who respect each other.

Also, we’re very good at sharing our son. We chose to parent together, so we don’t argue about the little things. We have different parenting styles, but we don’t micromanage each other. Why would we do that to the people we deemed worthy enough to start a family with?

What’s been harder than expected?

This was an illuminating question.

Patrick said, “Adapting to Jack. When Jack was a little boy, it was Jack adapting to us. And now that he’s almost a teenager, it’s us adapting to him. We’re learning how to accept his choices.”

Polly said, “When we started this family, I didn’t know where I fit in. But really, everybody else knew who I was, but I didn’t.”

And Jack said, “It’s hard because my parents gang up on me.”

Do you have any memorable anecdotes around the fact that your family is “untraditional”?

People sometimes can’t figure us out, and that’s fun to watch. One time, we went out for Italian food along with Patrick’s former partner. The way we ended up sitting in the booth was boy-girl, boy-girl. So when we got up to leave, people were surprised when Annie left with Polly and Patrick left with his partner.

When Jack was three, we told him, “If anyone asks you why you have two moms and a dad, tell them it’s because you’re lucky.” So, for years, when a friend asked him about his parents, that was always his answer.

One day, we heard Jack say this to a friend when we were walking to the park. His friend shouted at his mother, “Mom, why can’t we get another mom?”

How do you feel now when you think of your family?

Patrick: Grateful.

Annie: Proud.

Polly: Sure and right.

Jack: Happy.

Andrew, Eliza, Allana, Ana, Mary, and Mei

Andrew McDade, 55, spin instructor and soccer coach, is married to Eliza Armstrong, 50, 7th grade math teacher. Their daughters are Mei, 14, adopted as a baby; Mary, 15; Ana, 18 (not pictured); and Allana, 19, who they welcomed to the family five years ago. They live in Ridgewood, New Jersey.

How’d your family come together?

In 1990, Eliza Armstrong met Andrew McDade. Yours truly (Ana) came along nine years and a wedding later, and Mary three years after that. We were both biological children. After a move to the suburbs from Washington Heights, Mei was adopted from Changsha, China in September of 2004 at 10 months old.

My father was the stay-at-home parent when we were growing up, but entertained stints as our school’s “Yoga/Soccer Instructor.” In 2009, my mother switched careers to teaching 7th grade math and soon after was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was in recovery by fall of 2010, when we met my fourth sister, Allana.

In my mom’s second year of teaching, Allana was one of her students. One day, Allana hadn’t done her homework, so she had to ride in my mom’s car behind the school bus on the way to a field trip. Then my mom bonded with Lorna, Allana’s great aunt and caretaker, over their shared breast cancer experience. Eventually, Allana began staying at our house so my mom could help her more closely with homework. Through these homework nights, she became very close to our family.

That following summer, Allana came on a month-long cross-country road trip with us. After that, there was no question that she had become a sister figure in our life (we call each other god sisters), that this was our family now. After some changes in her home life, she lived with us full-time until she went away to college, but she still visits her biological family often.

What does “traditional family” mean to you?

Allana: A traditional family to me is being able to have connections and bond with people who love each other. Growing up, I wanted a traditional family. When I was living with my aunt Lorna, I felt alone, as there were no other kids in the house. I don’t think I had as much support growing up as I have now. I didn’t have many people on my side, making sure I’m okay, making sure I’m doing my work and taking care of myself. My perspective on that changed when I met Eliza in 7th grade. I had someone to encourage me, who wanted to help me.

(from top left) Allana, Andrew, Eliza, Mei, Mary (Ana is not pictured)

Ana: Growing up, I always thought of Norman Rockwell when I thought of “traditional families.” Biologically-related, heterosexual parents, a perfect Thanksgiving scene. And I love Norman Rockwell, but I don’t think that’s traditional anymore. In 21st century America, I think it’s traditional to have some complications. It’s just not as easy to explain your family to everyone.

In contrast to Allana, I had stability while growing up. In hindsight, because of the stability, I never questioned things that were different, like my stay-at-home dad or that I had an adopted sister. Kids would ask questions, but it wasn’t until the aforementioned road trip of 2011 that I realized our family was a bit different. When we would walk into restaurants in rural places, conversations would immediately cease as every gaze followed us to our table. That was jarring.

What’s surprised you in a good way about carving your own path?

Allana: How accepting everyone’s been towards me. I think people would show it if they had problems with Eliza and Andrew adopting Mei or me being around. But no one’s ever displayed animosity towards me. It is wonderful how kind everyone is, even though I came along a bit unconventionally.

Ana: This question is funny for me, because it’s not like we sit down at dinner and go, “Wow, look at how amazing our nontraditional family is!” But it is also nice to know that our reality of just being a family does challenge those around us, and pushes the narrative of what family means to the forefront of others’ minds. We are just as much as of a family with or without our shared DNA, and I like knowing that it makes others reckon with how they define families and familiar relationships.

What’s been harder than expected?

Ana: I know that it’s easier for Mary and me because we physically look like our parents. Mei, however, has definitely been grappling with her identity and the unanswered questions from her personal history. Self-identity is hard for any 14-year-old, but it’s especially hard when you look different from your family and have some gaps in knowing where you came from. That’s a challenge for everyone in our family, because we want to to help Mei find the answers to such simple questions like, “Do I look like my birth mother?” Even though we have visited Changsha and tried to learn about and participate in Chinese culture as a family, it’s not the same as having answers.

Allana: Letting people in. I don’t really feel comfortable letting everyone know my feelings, so when I was asked to express myself within a close-knit family, that was very hard at first. Also, balancing my time with the McDades and my biological family. Sometimes I feel like I have to choose and I don’t want to feel like I’m picking one side over the other, because I don’t want to upset anyone.

Do you have any memorable anecdotes around the fact that your family is “untraditional”?

Ana: For a while, we had a Cuban paralympic cyclist living with us while he was getting surgery at NYU. He had just gone through his largest surgery, and frankly looked like a mummy with the amount of skull bandages he was rocking. One night, all seven of us rolled up to our middle school choir concert in Ridgewood. My parents always laugh about it, the looks we would get at school events; you could just see people trying to figure us out and not being able to.

Mei: There was a boy in my Spanish class in 6th grade who simply did not believe Mary was my sister. After a certain point, I got tired of trying to convince him, because what’s the point? But I told Mary this, and one day she just confronted him in the hallway to back me up. I had never seen him so intimidated. He stopped bothering me after that, thank goodness.

How do you feel now when you think of your family?

Allana: So grateful that I met them, and that they offer me so much support and love. I was talking to my cousin about it recently, and she said she thinks I still would have gone to college and been successful even if I hadn’t met them, but I really don’t know. It’s wild to think about how different my life could have been without the opportunities and support I have now.

Ana: This is the first time I’ve lived away from my family. I love my life in Cochabamba, Bolivia, but I miss the unabashed giddiness I feel when I’m around my family, especially my sisters. Like Allana, the support system from my parents is something I am so grateful for. I just feel so proud of each of them. They are each such incredible individuals.

Photos by Seher Sikandar and Savanna Ruedy; check out Seher’s website here and follow her on Instagram @rehes. Check out Savanna’s website here and follow her on Instagram @savannarr.

The post 3 Nontraditional Families on How It Feels to Be “Different” appeared first on Man Repeller.

The Only Black Friday Shopping Guide You Need (Really, Really)

We agree that the best way to spend Black Friday is with family, not waiting with our faces smushed up against a glass door like in that episode of Friends when Monica takes Rachel and Phoebe to a wedding dress sample sale and all tulle breaks loose (this was supposed to be a hell pun, lmk how it landed). We also agree the sales that ensue this time of year are insane–like literally reason to not buy anything until this point because whatever you would have wanted is 10/10 now discounted. And probably significantly less expensive than it would have been at retail.

In the spirit of honoring Friday as a family day, but not ignoring that a deal is a deal and we (or at least me, I mean I) love a deal, here’s a handy guide to all the very good things you could buy at a discount between now and Cyber Monday. Consider it your wayfinder, detailing impending deals, broken down by category and specific item. I ask just one thing: Do not, I repeat do not buy anything unless you’re using Leandra’s list of “questions to pop before you shop” and remember: stuff is fluff. (But I could use a pair of boots.) Happy TG! Want to share a pie?

Clothing + Accessories

Boots

My favorite category! I recently wrote a boot shopping guide and now here I am again with a selection that is exclusively on sale! I included this great pair of durable cozy ones in the aforementioned guide, and now they’re 40% off. I also love these equally comfy shearling lined moto boots, great for especially colder days. These scale-y boots have been on my list a while. Ditto for THESE, on sale for $108 from Topshop, and these with an awesome heel for $112. For the holidays, what about the boot equivalent to tinsel? Or a pair of two-toned western ones, or these old fashioned ones both of which would fulfill any and all fancy-but-still-warm footwear needs. In the tall boot category, I love this buckle strap style that’s finally on sale and these snazzy embossed ones that clock in at $135.

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Coats and Jackets

The category of necessity, yes, but outerwear can be an aesthetic treat, too. Like this Ganni wool coat with a high neck that you’ll undoubtedly be tempted to wear every day. Or this Isabel Marant tweed one that’s a little bit spiffier. Need Supply’s sale is always solid, and this quilted plaid coat is $126! I love this classic A.P.C. trench, or this longer belted lilac one (it’s under $100) worn over a chunky knit now, and with a white button-down as soon as spring is sprung. Or! What about this cropped tomato puffer or a cozy duffle coat with a price reduced by $100? Oh my leopard, what about this velvet one from Batsheva or this one with the collar? I’m manifesting a trip to see the Nutcracker right now, can you tell? In other news, this Junya Watanable is 50% off, and Veda’s leather jackets are 25% off. HELLO. Finally, don’t sleep on this dreamy fringed number I would gladly hide my sweatpants under.

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Knits

I’ve wanted this collared half-zip for what feels like forever (about 4 months, if you want to get technical). Ooooh, and I found this lurex knit from Shrimps with a collar that resembles a lettuce leaf! And this delightful intarsia turtleneck knit that just needs a fireplace to feel complete. For some fun, check out this cozy rainbow knit, or this Tibi one that I’ve been eyeing. Naadam makes my favorite cashmere sweaters and some styles are up to 50% off. Here’s a patchwork knit from Proenza Schouler PSWL, also at 50% off. And look at this perfect grandpa cardigan vest, this vest for under $100, and this dreamy wrap sweater. Not a sweater per se, but I highly recommend you snag a fleece while you’re at it, and this one is IT.

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Bottoms

I love when jeans and everyday bottoms go on sale because the cost-per-wear possibilities seem especially favorable. Grab a pair of these, because it’s a good day when Re/Done goes on sale. I love this perfect pair of verrrrry high-rise cream jeans to fulfill my seasonal #stickofbutter dreams. Eve Denim makes the softest jeans and these straight-leg ones are discounted by more than $100. If denim isn’t for you, what about this statement pair of checked trousers, or a very cool pair of khakis for $91? Salmon-colored elastic waist pants, perfect for holiday eating! Speaking of good mealtime pants, I can personally vouch for these thick ribbed leggings.

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Bags

I may purchase this little drawstring pouch for myself, in case you’re interested in twinning. Then I might get this under $100 bag for my sister, and I like this chic PVC one for my mom (gift idea: fill a bag with little trinkets for a double unwrapping experience). I own this shearling tote, which fits a ton, and I like this cutie (you get an extra 10% off with code BLACK10) which fits nothing but that’s THE POINT. WConcept (which is having an up to 75% off + extra 15% off site-wide sale with the code BLACK 19) has really original bags you may not have seen elsewhere, like this $106 pouch bag in a fun print, or this one that’s called the “Merry Christmas” bag. I also found this wintry faux fur pouch for $57, and a $53 tweed commuter tote that could moonlight as a Santa sack.

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Wild Card Items

I love this tie-neck denim top and this gingham blazer that is now under $50!!!!! I’m also very jazzed about this perfect LBHD (little black holiday dress) worn with these hoop earrings or these adorable bee ones and my every day gold chain necklace that is 25% off. Speaking of jewelry, what about this $50 birthstone bracelet for a sweet personal pal gift? Or a rainbow huggie earring if you want to give something to yourself. Oooh, and this is an ideal going-out cami if I ever saw one! Why not try wearing it over this Sandy Liang camo mesh turtleneck (30% off) and a pair of these floral socks.

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Beauty

This is my favorite cheek illuminator and this is a cult-favorite clean lipstick, both now 20% off. I love this daily moisturizer from Supergoop and this hydrating mask from Paula’s Choice to combat winter facial dryness, plus a bit of this setting powder gently brushed on top. Tarte Cosmetics is having a 25-30% off sale, with savings increasing over the weekend! I love the glittery shades in this eye shadow palette. To the delight of anyone who experiences hormonal acne (myself included), STARFACE is having 25% off site-wide. Moving on to hair, this Briogeo honey hair mask is great but I’d buy it for the cute bottle alone. Drybar’s entire blow dryer kit is 20% off, which includes my favorite dry shampoo. Oh, and I suppose now’s a good time to stock up on Boy Brow?

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Home + Miscellaneous

You can’t do hygge without a good pair of slippers in the mix. I also love this gorgeous mug or this cute little tea cup and saucer and this plaid blanket for couch hibernating. Specifically this couch. With a delicious pastry-scented candle lit while reading with the help of this cute little lamp. Once you migrate to bed, check out these sheets by Brooklinen, but first don’t forget to take a hot bath and dry off with these very plush towels from Parachute. On that note, feel free to leave your towel on all day. If you happen to have a dog, or even if you don’t, this fringe knit sweater is worth a heartwarming glance.

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Below is a running list of sale information, including specific codes for sites that are using them. Don’t forget to check back for updates allllll weekend or, you know, whenever you need a brain break.

Clothing and Accessories

MATCHESFASHION.COM – Up to 50% off

Moda Operandi – Up to 50% off

Shopbop – Up to 25% off full-priced items and up to 75% off sale items with code MORE19

Need Supply – Up to 40% off

The OUTNET – Up to 85% off

Net-a-Porter – Up to 50% off

Farfetch – Up to 50% off

Nordstrom – Up to 40% off

Mango – 30% off sitewide with code BLACK19

Wolf & Badger – Up to 50% off plus use code BLK10 for an extra 10% off the sale

Reformation – Entire site 30% off

MyTheresa – Extra 10% off sale with code BLACK10

24S – Up to 50% off sale

Outdoor Voices – 25% off with code THANKS25

Topshop – Nov. 27-Dec.1, 25% off everything; Dec.2 up to 50% off everything (one day only)

Vestiaire Collective – Up to 30% off

Veda – 25% off ALL BLACK LEATHER plus a selection of other pieces from the collection with code BLACKLEATHERFRIDAY25

Monogram – 30% off sitewide

Ralph Lauren – Up to 40% off sale, plus an extra 30% off newly added style with code HOLIDAY

Tory Burch and Tory Sport – 30% off $250+ with code THANKS

Naadam – Nov. 26-Dec. 1, 30% off select styles with code BF30 for Black Friday; Dec. 2 (one day only) up to 50% off select styles, no code necessary for Cyber Monday

Everlane – Up to 20-40% off on Cyber Monday

Blundstone – 15% off sitewide

Kate Spade – Nov.26-Dec. 1, up to 50% off with code TGIBF, Dec. 2-Dec. 3, up to 60% off (one day only)

Rachel Antonoff – Nov. 28-Dec. 1, 25% off sitewide with code GRAVYTRAIN (all-new holiday exclusive items included first 24 hours only)

Amazon – Up to 50% off Friday only

Walmart – Up to 60% off across the fashion category and 40% off Levi’s

Zappos – Nov. 29-Dec. 2, up to 50% off sitewide

Thakoon – Nov. 26-Dec. 1, 30% off sitewide; Dec. 2, 40% off sitewide (one day only)

Tibi – Up to 50% off

Clare V. – 25% off small leather goods for Black Friday; Up to 40% off select styles for Cyber Monday

Poppy Lissiman – 25% off sitewide with code BFCM

Fry Powers – 25% off your order automatically applied at checkout

11 HONORÉ – Up to 60% off

Henning – Spend more save more ($200, get 10%; $400, get 15%; $600, get 20%; $800, get 25%; $1000, get 30%)

Karen Walker – 20% off all clothing

Current/Elliot – 30% off select styles

Equipment – 30% off select styles

Joie – 30% off select styles

Superga – Nov. 29-Dec. 1, 30% off select styles; Dec. 2, 35% off select styles (one day only)

A.L.C. – Nov. 26-Dec. 1, select sale styles 25% off for Black Friday; Dec. 2 (one day only) entire site 25% off

The Kooples – Nov. 28-Dec. 2, 30% off the entire winter collection including sale items

Carbon38 – 30% off sitewide + free shipping with code CYBER30

Vince – 25% on purchases $200 or more with code GET25

WConcept – Up to 75% off + Extra 15% off sitewide with code BLACK19

ASOS – Up to 70% off

Garmentory – Up to 70% off sitewide on Black Friday

Marimekko – 15% Off $100+, 20% Off $200+, 25% Off $300+

Garrett Leight GLCO + Mr. Leight – 20% off sitewide

AllSaints – 30% off sitewide

Missoma – 25% off sitewide

Solid & Striped – 25% off with code BFCM

SOKO – 25% off sitewide (including SOKO x Reformation)

Boden – 30% off plus free shipping & returns over $49 with code H7N3

Lululemon – Up to 60% off

Universal Standard – Nov. 29, 3 items for $210; Nov. 30, buy one get one free; Dec. 1, 3 items for $75 (restrictions apply)

ModCloth – Nov. 28-Dec.1, 20% off sitewide, 30% off $100, 40% off $200+; Dec. 2-Dec. 3, 30% off sitewide + free shipping with code “Doorbuster Extravaganza”

Jeu Illimite – 40% off entire order with code BCFM40

Bagatiba – 40% off entire order with code BCFM40

Luv Aj – 40% off sitewide with code BLACKFRIDAY

Bonobos – 30% sitewide

STONE AND STRAND – 20% off sitewide with code ONCEAYEAR

AMO – 20% off sitewide with code AMO20THX

Apiece Apart – 20% off sitewide + up to 50% off sale items with code WithThanks

PH5 – 30% off sitewide

Thelma – 25% off sitewide with code THELMA25

Holiday the Label – 30% off sitewide with code BFCM30

Coclico – Dec. 2, 15% off select items (including sale!) for Cyber Monday with code NETWORK

Decade – 20% off sitewide

For the Ages – 20% off sitewide with code CELEBRATE

IMAGO-A – 25% off site-wide with code THANKS2019

L.F.Markey – 20% off selected items

Loup – 30% off sitewide with code MERCI2019

Wolf Circus – 20% off sitewide with code CYBER20

RHODE – 20% off in-season product, up to 60% off past season product

Abacaxi – 20% off sitewide with code bananas

HAVVA – Up to 50% off sitewide with code BLACK30 (code only needed for FW19 styles)

KkCo – 25% off sitewide + all profits go to Green Peace

Westward Leaning – Up to 60% off select styles

YANYAN – 30% off select styles

Beauty

W3LL PEOPLE – 20% off + free shipping on full-size, full-price products

Glossier – 20% off sitewide and up to 35% off sets and bundles

Prose – 20% off your first order, this week only

Supergoop – 20% off sitewide

Tarte Cosmetics – Nov. 27-28, 25% off everything with code VIP25; Nov. 29-30, 30% off everything with code FRIDAY30; Nov. 30-Dec.1, 25% off everything with code WEEKEND

STARFACE – 25% off sitewide on Black Friday; Buy 2, Get 1 Free on Cyber Monday

Blume – Nov. 26-27, buy two, get one free of Meltdown acne treatment; Nov. 29-Dec. 1, buy two get one free sitewide; Dec. 2, 20% off sitewide (one day only)

Nordstrom – Up to 40% off

Briogio – 20% off sitewide with code HOLIDAY

Farmacy – 20% off sitewide OR 30% off when you spend $120

Summer Fridays – Nov. 27-Dec. 1, 20% off with code FRIDAY for Black Friday; Dec. 1 (one day only) 25% off with code CYBERMON

R+Co – Nov. 29-Dec. 1, 20% off with code BLACK20; Dec. 2 (one day only) 25% off with code CYBER25

Captain Blankenship – 50% off body products (no code necessary) and 30% off hair and skin with code WILDFRIDAY30

PLANT Apothecary – Nov. 28 (6pm ET)-Dec. 1, 30% off sitewide with cde BF30; Dec. 2 (one day only) 30% off sitewide with code CYBER30

Drybar – 20% off products, tools and kits

Chillhouse – 25% off your SHOP CHILL purchase with code BFONLINE through Dec. 1

Paula’s Choice – 10% off your first order and free shipping with orders of over $30

Patchology – Nov. 29-Dec.1, 40% off sitewide with code BLACK40

Dermstore – Nov. 28-Dec. 3, up to 30% off with code DSGIFT

Ulta Beauty – Starting Nov. 28, sitewide discounts

Home + Miscellaneous

West Elm – Up to 50% off select product for Black Friday (until Dec 1); Up to 70% off for Cyber Monday (starting Dec 2)

Houzz – Up to 75% off

Brooklinen – 20% off all orders with code BLACKFRIDAY

Parachute – 20% off sitewide

Jonathan Adler – 25% off sitewide + an additional 30% off markdowns with code FOMOFRIDAY

MaxBone – Sitewide 25% off with code BF25

FLOYD – Various discounts with code CYBR19

Farmgirl Flowers – 15% off with code HOLIDAY15

Lord Jones – 25% off with the exception of Bundles, Subscriptions, Gift Boxes & Gift Cards with code MysteriousWays8

Sur La Table – Up to 75% off in sale, 20% off entire purchase with code FRIEND19

Nordstrom – Up to 40% off

Wayfair – Up to 80% off

Soho Home – 20% off sitewide with code BF20

Recess – 20% with code CHAIDAY

Feature Photos by Sabrina Santiago.

The post The Only Black Friday Shopping Guide You Need (Really, Really) appeared first on Man Repeller.

How Friendship Changes With Age, According to 3 Older Women

When I decided to sell my tender soul and become an internet writer, the first task on my agenda was to confront my deep-seated fear of being alone (in addition to downloading Grammarly and buying a pair of Dr. Martens, that is). I’d heard rumors that media was a cutthroat field, that your closest friends would rob you of both your trusting nature and your bylines. As an extrovert, this kind of isolationist landscape terrified me. My fear was only further confirmed at my first industry job, when my manager took me into her office and warned me that I was in a gossipy environment. She encouraged me to rise above it, to keep my mouth shut and head down. I was devastated, worried that my days of carving out friendships like Thanksgiving turkey were behind me.

And then the wonky, weird universe brought me Willa and Mel. Talented writers and aspiring change-makers, they quickly grew into both mentors and confidants. We began to edit each other’s personal essays and breakup texts, and I came respect their moral compasses, as north-facing as a fleece jacket. And on days when the world wide web felt less like our professional promised land and more like a pile of empty promises, we reminded each other of our mission statements, why we cared—truly care—about putting in the work.

Because of them, I now have proof that honest, platonic intimacy doesn’t have to end just because our childhoods do; that being alone isn’t synonymous with feeling lonely, nor adulthood with alienation. I have also come to realize that adult friendship isn’t necessarily about logging a certain amount of years. It’s about providing people with the space to grow into themselves, creating a buffer in case they veer too far off course.

What makes two (or more) adults click? Is it a devoted sense of loyalty that weaves you together like a basket? The ability to diverge for many years, then gravitate back to one another as if no time has passed? Or is it something less convoluted, like a shared adversary in the form of a hard job? To seek answers to these questions, I spoke to three wise, older women—Judi, Susan, and Doreen—about the many forms that human connection can take, maintaining old relationships from adolescence, and forging new friendships as an adult. And surprisingly, all three agree that the secret ingredient to maintaining high quality friendships, as we grow up and apart, lies in a single cliché: Remaining true to yourself, above all else.

Doreen, 62, lives in the Bronx, and has never had a friendship that didn’t last.

I was born and raised in the Bronx, where I still live today. I am divorced, but I have a grown son who gave me three grandsons, not one girl.

I was working as a personal shopper at Saks when one of my clients told me that her daughter’s school was looking for a secretary. I guess she thought I’d be good, so I tried out. They hired me part-time, and I guessed they liked me, because then they hired me full-time. Funny enough, I never really liked children. I had never worked with kids. But now I love them, especially the little girls. You know, I always wanted a girl. But I think God didn’t give me one because she would have been a hot mess.

Middle school, in particular, is really tough for little girls and their friendships. They have their ups and downs in middle school. They divide into these little groups, these cliques. They become territorial, almost survival-like. They gossip, they start rumors about each other. It’s less about making a real friend, and more about having a group of friends. Everyone’s separated. But it passes, and they grow up. And the girls become friends for life. It’s really something. They’re really true to one another, they’re loyal. They accept one another for who they are.

On Maintaining Long-Term Friendships

My oldest friend lives in Texas. We went to high school together. She comes to New York once a year, and we go out to dinner; we’ve been doing this for a long time. We were in a leadership club together, we’d wear these little white uniforms. I have another friend who is down south, she owns a couple of McDonalds chains down there, so she never comes back to the Bronx. We connect on Facebook. Actually, she’s probably my oldest friend. I’ve had her since public school.

I care most about loyalty. We don’t speak to one another often, but when we do, it doesn’t matter. We speak like no time has passed. I don’t ask her why she hasn’t called me. In fact, she doesn’t call me and I don’t call her, but it’s okay. As long as we reach out every now and again. You don’t have to talk every day. Just look forward to seeing each other once a year or so.

When you’re my friend, you’re my friend for life. My friendship is unconditional. I take it very seriously.

Actually, I have made a lot of friends at the school where I work. And I also have some parents who are sort of like my best friends. I usually form a bond with the student first.

My attitude toward friendship hasn’t changed much over the years: Just accept your friends for who they are. Don’t judge. I’ve never had a single friendship that hasn’t lasted. If you want to stay friends with someone, give them their space. When you’re my friend, you’re my friend for life. My friendship is unconditional. I take it very seriously.

I have two sisters, one older and one younger. But they aren’t my friends. We grew up close, but as we got older, we lived different lives, so that bond is gone. But every friend I’ve made since has become my friend forever. My friends have become my family. I see everyone as a potential friend. Friendship just happens to me! I don’t look for it, I don’t put myself out there. It’s organic. If it’s going to happen, it happens. That’s a perspective that comes with age. After a while, you just get tired of trying so hard. You just let it be.

On Resolving Friendship Conflicts

A friend of mine, we had an altercation. She stopped speaking to me, but I didn’t know why! This went on for about two weeks. Then I got mad. I was like, wait a minute, I didn’t do anything! Why is she mad at me? Then I got mad at her. It escalated until finally, I just said, “You know what, we have to talk.” So we did talk. She told me what she didn’t like that I did, and I apologized. It was petty! I didn’t mean to, but I embarrassed her. But I’m so glad I asked her what was wrong. Now we’re back on being friends again! We put it in the past, and now I feel much better. Matter of fact, she’s going to take care of my birthday party on Friday.

When someone’s important to you, you put your pride aside. Don’t lose a friend to being too proud.

When I was younger, I never would have communicated in that way, I would have said, “Forget about it!” Now that I’m older, I’m not afraid to ask questions and find out hard answers. I value the people in my life too much for that. When someone’s important to you, you put your pride aside. Don’t lose a friend to being too proud.

Enjoy life to the fullest. That’s what I’m doing. Now, I’m just doing me. Enjoying me. It took me a while, but I’ve figured life out. It’s got to be about you. Do things your way, in your time. Make yourself happy.

Judi, 74, lives in the West Village, and has no lifelong friends.

My parents are both Japanese-American. I was born in 1945, when they were sending Japanese Americans to internment camps, but my parents avoided that by moving to Chicago. When I was five, my mother and I got on a train and moved to Los Angeles. My father was an orphan, raised by nuns, which meant that I was raised Catholic. I am no longer Catholic, but I find that my background has influenced me greatly, in terms of being an “other.”

I have a lot of good friends, but I don’t think I have a lot of friendships that have gone on for a long time. I haven’t kept in touch with a lot of my childhood friends. I heard recently from someone I went to high school with (I went to an all-girls Catholic high school in a blue-collar area). It turns out, she’s a Trump supporter!

I make many more friends now, they just don’t go way back. I connect with people in the moment, I look for that spark of curiosity. I value people who really listen. That’s the key to a long-lasting friendship: finding people who know you and hear you.

On Making Friends in Unexpected Places

I met one of my closest friends on the New York City subway. We were in a crowded car. She was sitting down, I was standing up, and there was a third woman sort of leaning toward the door. Somehow, that woman and I got to talking about her trip to Washington, D.C. I asked her if she was going to see the Holocaust museum because I had just been and felt very touched by it. She said no, she was going to see the cherry blossoms. Anyway, the holocaust museum brought up the lynching exhibit here in New York. Then the woman who is now my friend spoke up and said, “Well, I haven’t seen it, but my husband has!”

Moral of the story: Speak to people on the subway!

We ended up getting off at the same spot and she showed me how to get to BAM. As it turns out, her husband was, at that time, head of the NAACP. We ended up just connecting in a really special way. We exchanged information and started getting together for dinner. Now my friend—her name is Cynthia—she’s a teacher in East Flatbush, Brooklyn, and her school won an award because it has a 90% graduate rate. I was blown away, so I asked if her principal might let me shadow him. I had been a professor for 40-somewhat years teaching leadership and motivation, and thought he might make a fascinating case study. For a year and a half, I went to that high school and attended meetings with him. He became a friend, too. Moral of the story: Speak to people on the subway!

I met another friend through my work in the prevention of sexual abuse. In 2008, I was asked by West Point military academy to help them to prevent abuse on campus, and when I spoke with a colonel who was in charge of the initiative on campus, I came with with a checklist of actionable changes I’d like to see enforced. He was captivated. We ended up speaking for four hours. He’s still a friend.

On the Two-Fold Nature of Friendship

When I do field research, I have to observe really carefully. That’s exactly what being a good friend is like: Watching closely for problems they may be having with what’s going on, with you; trying to gauge their goals. Because you’re not blood relatives, you know? You don’t have any ties that link you together. You can go your separate ways. But if you want to maintain a friendship, you have to be there for the person, hear them, listen to them, and hopefully likewise have that come back to you.

If you aren’t helping yourself, you can’t help others.

My one piece of friendship advice would be to keep an eye out for yourself. Keep in mind what’s important to you and chase that goal, instead of thinking solely about the commitment you made to someone else. If you aren’t helping yourself, you can’t help others. I think women often fall into the position of serving and pleasing others, including other women. But follow your path. Don’t be concerned about something you said or did that led you on another path because of another person.

We can really help to make the world a better place. We can use our resources, our connections, our powers of persuasion, to make a difference. And we can do that by coming together and collaborating. For example, because of my connection with that then-colonel, who is now a general, I asked if he would consider introducing a sexual abuse prevention program in his army infantry division. And he said yes. That’s the power of friendships.

Susan, 65, lives on the Upper West Side, and is rewriting her friendships.

I grew up in Beverly, Massachusetts, right on the beach. Growing up, my mother always said, “Thank god you came out like your father.” I saw my mother as weak, dependent, and needy, but my dad as very strong. So I tried to appeal to my dad. And he was someone who was revered, a really down-to-earth, people-oriented guy, just beloved. However, I didn’t really have a strong relationship with him. It was very stilted. Then he died young. I was 15. I never felt contained or safe, like anyone really had my back. Not a great childhood, I must say. I was an enormously angry little girl. I felt really isolated—I didn’t know how to make friends.

Everything changed when we moved to Long Island. I made the decision that I was going to change my life. And I did, I turned it around. My mother, she didn’t have much of her own social life, and that was really limiting. So I had to teach myself how to make friends. I learned how to smile and became very popular, but only on the surface—I was president of this and that, blah blah blah. I made a lot of friends, especially through my Jewish youth group. I was kind of a crossover kid. I could float. I began to have a good life. Not by accident, but because I created it.

I recently reconnected with a high school friend, a guy. We were really close and stayed friends in and out of college. I think we were boyfriend and girlfriend at one point, but it was hard to tell. Anyway, he just became an empty nester and moved with his wife to the city. We’ve been trying to figure out what our next moves are in life, in terms of our careers and our contributions to society.

On What Makes a Good Friend

I have two women I consider best friends. One of them, we met through work. We were both up-and-comers at this big company in our twenties. This best friend was a real crazy woman, and she still is. I love her because we do nutty things together. We used to wear these flashy St. John knits to work. Because of her, I grew bolder. I was very influenced by her, and it wasn’t always a good influence. But we’re still very good friends. She’s still the first person I call. The person I celebrate all my birthdays with. But she’s never been reliable, in any part of her life. So you can’t count on her, ever, for the day-to-day friendship. But for the real, heavy-duty stuff? She’s always there. And that has real meaning.

The other woman… actually, it’s funny. She’s not a very reliable person, either. There’s a bit of a pattern here! Maybe it’s a result of my isolation. You know, I don’t want to get too close to someone. But she’s brilliant. She’s cultured, understands technology, is a musician, an accountant, a lawyer, and Australian. There’s something really special about her. She was always present with any big events that happened in my life, from playing early morning squash and very cool parties with celebrities as singles, to meeting my husband, to finding out I was pregnant, and even on that horrific 9/11 morning.

Here’s my motto now: You can’t become yourself by yourself. Isn’t that awesome?

I tend to bring people together, they connect and have meaningful conversations. I think I have some kind of ability to facilitate friendships. The first quality I look for when I meet new people is: Are they a mensch? Can I trust them? I care a lot about people who are curious, open, and receptive. People who want to make a difference, who really care. It’s all about intention. Here’s my motto now: You can’t become yourself by yourself. Isn’t that awesome?

On Finding the Power in Sisterhood

Up until the 70s, femininity was associated with weakness. I’d think, Why would I want to be labeled weak? I hated dresses and playing hopscotch, and getting the worst part of the playground. Back then, I did everything I could to behave like a boy. I had pictures all over my bedroom of these sweaty athletes on the cover of LIFE magazine. And I became very athletic, too. I tried to do anything I could to express how much I hated where I was in this world.

But now I’m rewriting my story. I am part of a Global Women’s Leadership Network, a ‘tribe’ of accomplished, self-selecting women whose mission is to help shift the role of women in the world in truly equal partnership with men. I went from absolutely “get me out of this girl thing, I’m out of here!” to “Oh my god, the power in the feminine is incredible.” It’s like I’m going through this rebirth. It is crazy amazing. I’m even hanging with a generation or two younger than me, feeling the energy, spirit, and new vision, igniting my own growth. It’s the same feeling I had when I first entered college: The newness, diversity of backgrounds and beliefs, meaningful conversations. Opening up a world that was a dream come true.

There’s a bazillion forms of friendship. It’s pretty cool when people really know you.

There’s nothing finer in life than having connections that are mutually supportive and growth-oriented. Friendship is an area that I’ve been evolving in, with a lot of trepidation. There’s a bazillion forms of friendship. It’s pretty cool when people really know you. My old boyfriend—wow, I keep saying boyfriend, I don’t know if he was my boyfriend!—he’s in that category, and he keeps reminding me of who I am. I’m in this new world that’s completely different from how I developed myself in the old world, which can be really scary. But change provides the opportunity to grow into what’s next.

It’s even changed my relationship with my mother! She was getting older, so I brought her down to New York to be closer to me. I finally saw her full self and realized that the environment we used to be in was so limiting, and she grew up in such a limited way. Now I see this incredible richness to her. The other night, we were watching PBS together, and my mother turns to me and says, “Susan, I think I’m growing.” I was in tears, I couldn’t believe it.

Everything is energy. If you want to connect on an emotional level, get out of your head and into your body.

Photos by Sabrina Santiago.

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