Leandra Medine's Blog, page 584

Three Cool Accessories You Can Make From the Gucci Runway

“Alessandro Michele is the new punk,” said Tim Blanks at a fashion talk I attended in Berlin. The sentence made me think. What had I missed when clicking through the images from Michele’s first collection for Gucci back in February? I hadn’t been as excited about it as everyone else. There were silk flower dresses and berets and printed wool vests and fur lined loafers. To me, it lacked innovation. But Blanks’ point made me realize I hadn’t actually looked at the collection thoroughly.

Its genius lay in the fact that Michele didn’t need to invent something crazy and futuristic to elicit newness, thus the title of punk. “He refuses everything that’s fashion,” Blanks added. “His models are not girls, but grannies.” It’s true: Michele takes pieces we’ve seen a million times before and combines them in a way that creates this certain kind of quirkiness. His designs make women look not fashionable, but modern. Modern weirdos.

So when I watched Michele’s Spring 2016 collection, I tried to focus on every single detail so as not to overlook the genius again. There were striped pussy bows and ties with embroidered eyes and lady beetle brooches and poppy flowers on sleeves. I saw a million things that were brilliant yet simple enough to make myself. The modern Gucci weirdness is democratic: everyone can embrace it.

Which bring us to yet another edition of How To Fake The Runway. I’ve picked three accessories from Gucci’s Spring 16 Gucci collection to DIY depending on your free time. The poppy flower for your sleeve takes 2 minutes to make, the crystal gloves 5 minutes and the striped pussy bow, about half an hour. Note: you’ll need a glue gun for all three projects.

Ready? Set…Go!

1) The Sleeve Poppy:

Step #1: Buy a silk poppy flower either here or at your local crafting store.

Step #2: Glue the flower on a wide hair tie lying around your house. Check under the couch.

Step #3: Done! Pull the elastic tie over your hand to wear the flower on your wrist or shirt cuff. Now challenge yourself and make the second flower for the other wrist in under 2 minutes.

2) The Crystal Gloves:

Step #1: Buy fingerless leather gloves (I bought mine here) and various beaded jewels, like earrings and brooches (find them on flea markets, at Topshop or H&M). Clip the crystals/stones off the studs.

Step #2: Before gluing, play with the crystals and stones on the gloves so that you know where you want them. Once they’re in place, set them with an all-purpose adhesive or glue gun. (I recommend the latter for better hold.)

3) Striped Pussy Bow With Flower:  

What you’ll need:

• A light, navy blue silk or viscose fabric

• Red satin gift ribbon (measuring 1.5 inches by 45 inches)

• Double-sided adhesive vlieseline

• A pink silk flower

• A baby pin

• Safety pins

• Glue

Step #1: Cut a strip from the navy blue fabric measuring 7.5 inches by 44 inches. Fold the strip lengthways and pin the long open edges.

Step #2: Sew along the long edge, then flip over the strip. The short edges remain open.

Step #3: Cut a strip from the double-sided adhesive that has the exact same measurements as the gift ribbon. Iron the vlieseline with the adhesive side facing downward on the ribbon so that it sticks firmly, then strip the foil off the upper adhesive side of the vlieseline.

Step #4: Place the ribbon (adhesive side facing downward) centered on the navy-blue piece. Iron the ribbon so that it sticks firmly. Plug the loose ends of the ribbon into the short open edges of the blue strip. Close the open ends using small pieces of the double-sided adhesive vlieseline.

Step #5: Fold the striped piece to a bow, then fix it with a few stitches so that it remains in the right shape. Glue the silk flower on the front side of the bow and the baby pin on the backside.

Fin! Now show me your results below!

Follow Berlin-babe Claire on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Go check out her website C’est Clairette, too. Photographed by Sandra Semburg.

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NY Closets: Evanne Cochrane

All hail the woman who makes a trouser look new again. Evanne Cochrane, public relations manager for Rosetta Getty, makes them look so new that it’s almost like she invented pants. Part of me wants to give in and accept that she’s just the kind of person who can make anything look cool. The other part of me knows that there’s at least a bit of styling science happening here: maximizing one pair of pant’s cropped factor with low, ankle bearing loafers, upping the khaki anti by wearing them over fresh white kicks. Present is a high waist theme and where there’s a slouch, there’s a tuck. It’s all effortless, yes, but she works for Getty; she’s gotta know what she’s doing.

…Or do you think her pup Percy is the one giving her all his tricks?

Day 1:

I very rarely wear heels but I’ll sometimes make an exception for the platforms from the Rosetta Getty PF15 collection. This outfit is from my Fall order. I’ve been wearing the black cross front crop top with everything from Levi’s to trousers. Today I decided to layer it and stay work-appropriate. My Louis Vuitton Epi backpack is like a precious turtle shell that I love to travel with.

Rosetta Getty cross front top (similar here), tobacco pleat front trousers, long sleeve henley, and heels, Louis Vuitton Epi backpack

Day 2:

Mornings are my absolute favorite, so I drag myself to the gym. This Isabel Marant turtleneck poncho I stole from my lovely sister Cody has been making the chilly autumn weather more bearable. I’ve been using this A.P.C. bowling bag for four years now — the quilted leather keeps getting better! Also, I just jumped on the band wagon and will be buying a couple more pairs of these Nike 4.0 Free flyknits asap.

Isabel Marant poncho (similar style here), A.P.C. bowling bag, Nike running pants, Nike 4.0 Free flyknits

Day 3:

Unintentionally complimenting the color scheme from SS16 in the showroom. Wearing my Rosetta Getty high rise wide leg jeans from Resort and a cozy, hand knit turtleneck in the most beautiful autumn color. My Acne boots and Pierre Hardy clutch are my go-to’s when I want to “dress up.”

Rosetta Getty hand knit turtleneck (another chunky knit option here), high rise wide leg jean (another high rise here), Acne boots, Pierre Hardy Alpha clutch

Day 4:

I’m not obligated to wear Rosetta Getty every day (I swear!) but no one has asked me to stop…yet. I’m in love with easy dressing that still feels mature and that really drew me to this brand. This shirt has buttons up either side, making styling really fun. Paired today’s outfit with my navy Céline pony hair loafers for comfort because that’s my favorite thing other than mornings.

Rosetta Getty pleated men’s shirt, J.Crew burnt orange t-shirt, Zara black trousers (similar here), Céline pony hair loafers

Day 5:

Wearing my Saint Laurent boots to balance out the floral dress on a mild NY afternoon. I’m almost always in trousers and my first instinct is to dress everything down and layer.

Rosetta Getty crewneck sweater, Vintage floral dress, J.Crew white t-shirt, Saint Laurent “Wyatt” boots, 3.1 Phillip Lim Pashli satchel, Ray Ban classic round sunglasses

Day 6:

Friday night with my boys! Percy is a rescue that my boyfriend and I adopted from Second Chance in the spring and we’re in love. We live near the park so my weekend attire is pretty casual. This A.P.C. bag was a present to myself for my upcoming birthday (a little early but I couldn’t wait any longer — it’s the perfect size).

Vintage Armani palazzo pants, white burnout tee, Marni cardigan, A.P.C. bag

Day 7:

This dress feels like a very long Hawaiian shirt so I’ve been wearing it over pants all month. I recently picked it up at one of my favorite vintage shops in Toronto, Penny Arcade. The stores there do a wonderful job at finding special pieces so it’s always worth the wait. (Chosen Vintage is also another good one!)

Vintage floral dress, Uniqlo black scoop neck, Zara trousers (similar here), Thierry Lasry sunglasses, Acne boots, A.P.C. bag

Day 8:

Clearly, my enthusiasm for matching neck scarves was not contagious. This Rosetta Getty PF15 henley is my favorite basic at the moment and the trousers are another recent vintage find. Weekends are so relaxed in my neighborhood and I’m usually in sneakers. I love classic Converse and Pumas. Percy was so ready for the dog park and not at all interested in this brief photo opp…

Rosetta Getty black henley, Vintage khaki trousers, Converse Chuck Taylor high top sneakers, A.P.C. bag, bandanas,  Theory coat

Follow Evanne on Instagram and Twitter; check out the Rosetta Getty website and follow the brand on Instagram and Twitter, too. Feature collage by Elizabeth Tamkin.

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Five Top Fives from the Post-Thanksgiving Sales

Is it just me or does it seem like Black Friday started on Tuesday this week? I don’t know how I feel about that — not in the least because I don’t appreciate a discounted price but more because there is something about the thrill of the wait and then subsequent chase that makes premature sale shopping fall a little bit flat. Am I alone on this? Okay.

Here’s the other thing, though: there is not a single commerce platform among the vast pages of the Internet that isn’t trying to stick a sale to you. Which is overwhelming. And can cloud vision. You might find yourself blinded by the label or conversely, eager to sale-brag. It’s a slippery slope paved in dollars spent, not saved, so why not instead pay attention to what I am calling the definitive guide to sale shopping this Black Friday?

You may remember a literal guide we published last year with questions to ask yourself before you buy. Now is not a terrible time to resurrect that list, but when it comes to stuff(ing) that’s available now, defer to this — the five top fives. As in, the five best items from the five best sales, from all around the web.

1. Amuze (They’re practically giving shit away over there for heaven’s sake — take an additional 30% off already-discounted prices plus free shipping until Cyber Monday with the code “blackfriday” at check-out.)

Stand out item(s): These crystal Valentino d’Orsay pumps, which retailed for $2,245, were being sold for $595, but are now an additional 30% off. You can also get these:

For under $200. Plus! Chloé jewelry and Saint Laurent shoes and stuff. Cooooooool.

2. Net-a-Porter (Savings up to 50% off)

Stand out item: This Vetements dress, which is still expensive, but also a piece of fashion history because it is a member of the collection that preceded the brand’s creative director landing at Balenciaga by just one season! Save it until you can donate it to The Met and boom! Money well spent. In other news, this Topshop dress is practically a poster child for the holiday party season.

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3. Moda Operandi (You get an extra 30% off the already-reduced price)

Stand out item: !This! sequined coat! Only $9,000!!!! I’m kidding.

This navy velvet Ellery blouse, replete with flare sleeves and naked shoulders. It is a wonder to me that this thing is still in stock.

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4. The Outnet (Up to 80% off)

Stand out item: This Miu Miu polo for $200, which you may or may not remember from video documentation of that time I imposed “free advice” on the people of Washington Square Park.

Addendum: Stand out item volume II is this metallic underwear, also by Miu Miu, because I can’t think of a single other item more indulgent than sparkly underwear.

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5. Shoescribe (extra 25% off already-reduced footwear with the code CYBER15, this is true of its sister site, The Corner, too. Only the code is “TCCYBER15” on the latter). Because it’s like my mom always said: shoes are the most important part of your outfit! You can improvise the rest! She was right! Get a deal! You deserve it! You deserve the deal!

Stand out item: I can’t pick just one. What, are you, sick? But these Miu Mius, man.

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Oh! And if you still want a trench coat or utility jacket from the collab of the century aka the artist formerly known as MRxVEDA, you can save 15% on the already-direct-to-consumer-optimized price.

Free ninety free!

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis.

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Monocycle: Episode 3

Before the holiday party that is December swings in, Thanksgiving seems like a great time to begin the reflection process. To think about what you loved about the year that’s almost behind you, what you want to change in the one month ahead and why you’re grateful for the life you’re living, with the eyes that you’ve been blessed (as opposed to, you know #blessed) to see this, on an electronic device you were lucky enough to afford to read this, with the fingers you have, which maintain mobility that let you scroll and click and do all the things you want them to do, including plug your headphones into your operating ears to ultimately listen to this.

We talk about gratitude a lot this time of year and it’s easy to get caught up in the white noise — “I’m grateful for friends and family” — without actually thinking through what you’re grateful for, but what a mistake that is!

Here we’re being given an opportunity to sit down, shut up, digest and think. No one is e-mailing you. No one is wondering why you haven’t returned their text or posted a photo to Instagram yet. It’s just you and your people. So maybe for once, let’s not get caught up in the white noise and let the day pass us by like any other could. Let’s think about what we’re grateful for — I mean really grateful for — and in the spirit of pseudo-family, let’s share that shit.

I’ll start by turning your attention to the very short Monocycle special above.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Intro song: “The Show Must Be Go” by Kevin MacLeod, licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 License;  Logo illustration by Kelly Shami.

Monocycle is produced by Kate Barnett and edited by Nicholas Herd.

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MR’s Resident French Girl on Thanksgiving, Friendsgiving and Giving Thanks

Listen to last week’s episode of Monocycle where Leandra speaks to the events in Paris.

Laura and I had a few plans scheduled for last week: drinks with Leandra and our other French friend, Nadia, a photoshoot and interview for this very post, a dinner on Saturday. I wrote her the Monday following everything that had occurred in Paris to let her know we could totally reschedule everything, that I understood if she wanted to be alone. Laura wanted just the opposite. This was a time for friends, she told me. Friends are family. This was a time to be thankful for what we have, to come together and be joyous and live in order to heal.

And so, in that spirit, this week’s Ask a French Girl is about Thanksgiving and Friendsgiving.  Eat, drink and be merry. Isn’t that universal code for joie de vivre?

Hi. How are you with everything?

Not so cool. I am worried and extremely sad.

It must be hard to be away from home right now. How are you dealing with that?

I’m not, to be honest. I’m used to the distance, but I’m struggling now to face the truth that life is held together by a single string. Being an expat and knowing your country has been persecuted, that your friends have been punished for enjoying what we all do — all of us! — on a Friday night…it’s not something I know how to deal with. There is no right or wrong way to react, but only to “vivre avec,” which has been the answer of the French.

Will you be in Paris or NY for Thanksgiving “break”?

I originally planned to be in New York because ever I since I moved here, Thanksgiving has been my way to say thanks to America, to turkey, to mashed potatoes and to Apple TV. It all switched recently, though. When my younger sister texted me and told me she was scared, I booked my ticket back to Paris. I will be hosting a French rooster dinner with a cheese plate in my home for family and friends. Not only we will honor America, but we will honor French cuisine and French art de vivre.

Do you mean turkey, not rooster?

Hahah yes!

You’ve done “Friendsgiving” before, right? How do you prepare?

I have been to some, hosted some, participated in some. Frenchies in America love this holiday; we love any celebration that includes food, wine and chilling. I’ve never prepared a traditional American Thanksgiving,  however. The Friendsgiving we are hosting back in Paris will have the following menu:

– Roast chicken with sautéed mini potatoes and rosemary

– Green beans with foie gras on top that my mum prepares

– Green salad with my dad’s dressing

– A big cheese plate

– A red fruit dessert that my sister makes with blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, lemon and sugar

Guests usually bring wine and/or bread depending on where they live. My best friend knows she is always in charge of the bread because she lives near my favorite boulangerie.

Do you have a “signature dish” you’ll cook?

I love doing the champignons de Paris salad. It’s so easy but so good and really feels like home. I’m quite good at doing the potatoes with rosemary. And…I am excellent at placing the cheese onto a plate and playing with shades of nuts and dry fruits. Since I’m so visual, I spend way too much time picking the color of the jam, but it looks so pretty!

Are any topics off the table?

No rules at the table besides closing the mouth when eating and using the utensils properly. A dinner is an improvisation scene with actors who haven’t been given any direction. This is why I love big dinners so much.

What’s the best thing to say or do when the convo gets awkward or weird?

I am always the maestro in this moment. I spend all of my attention ensuring people are comfortable. My line: “Yes, I see! Who wants more cheese?” If my best friend is around, she immediately catches on and will jump subjects: “And you, Paul, how is your dog? Oh right, you hate dogs.”

Best Thanksgiving/Friendsgiving memory to date?

My best friends and I went to Watermill, NY one year. When we woke up on Friday morning, it was warm, so two of us grabbed our coffee from the kitchen and sat outside in the hammock for two hours. No phones. No coats. No one else. Just two hammocks, two coffees and two sets of striped pajamas. And we chatted until lunch time.

What will you be thankful for this year?

My country and our heritage. No one can take our heritage away from us. I have never felt so strongly about the roots that are passed from generation to generation. I will celebrate my parents and their determination to keep living well, my sister and my friends.

But wait a minute — when is this article being published? My parents and best friends don’t know I am coming to Paris, yet. It’s a surprise! Ha, imagine how this article could put me on the spot…

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

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36 Hours in Seoul, South Korea

Previously, Leandra chronicled a quick trip for Paris Fashion Week. This time, she travelled to Seoul with an awkward travel partner (her brother) for only 36 hours.

In the November travel issue of T Magazine, Deborah Needleman wrote in her letter from the editor, “Traveling is artificial almost by definition: It is a way in which we step out of our daily existence and seek an experience that is distinct from our lives.” It felt very fortuitous to read this at the start of a 14-hour journey to Seoul, South Korea last week. Everything about the trip fascinated me even while our wheels were still planted on American soil; the pumpkin porridge special on the flight’s menu, the fact that Jerry Maguire was listed as “New and Noteworthy” among the plethora of even more outdated titles in inflight entertainment. Would I have cared at all had I not been in pursuit of the experience that is distinct from our lives?

I’ve been thinking a lot about travel lately — particularly because of something else Needleman pointed out in her letter. Because of the Internet, we can go anywhere and see anything without ever actually moving. So what makes travel worth it?

I went to a Thai restaurant for dinner when I got to Seoul, where I ate spicy green papaya salad not unlike a dish I typically order at a Nolita restaurant called Lovely Day, and drank a glass of Sancerre that was imported from the South of France. I could have been anywhere (only I had to point to the dish that I wanted when summoning help from the lovely server). Something about the experience felt eerily inauthentic but I’m not sure I’d have even noticed had I not felt an urgency to see everything. I’d be in Korea for only 36 hours, and I wanted the most genuine experience I could get my Snapchat on.

The following day, in the five hours that I had to spare between work (modeling in a look book, executing an appearance at a shop called Rare Market), I went to a “traditional” market to look around. Women planted themselves on the floor, cooking cocoons which are incidentally a choice protein option for Korean body builders and the like. There were seafood stands not unlike those you might find in the thick of Manhattan’s Chinatown only the marine life looked entirely alien. There were dried fish for sale on rods everywhere. Mattresses and kimonos sold alongside one another. And there were cookies literally called “Poop cookies” being barbecued next door. I saw pig noses and horse guts and fish eyeballs — delicacies that passersby were enjoying in depth but that made me feel shallow and closed-minded because I was grossed out. Then we walked outside and there sat on the ground more women, some wearing shoes, some not, to which my brother, who had tagged along, noted, “I feel like you would wear that outfit, Leandra.”

I looked over and noticed a middle aged woman carving root vegetables on a blanket just next to another woman, selling whatever she could fit into a suitcase that was neatly laid out on the ground. The first woman was wearing a light pink kimono and yellow flare pants. Her slippers were neatly positioned to her left. My brother was right. I would wear that. I’d wear a lot of what I’d seen, chiefly the clothes on most of the men, who maintained a proclivity for pleated denim.

By the time night fell and my appearance was to start, I was exposed to a different genre of Koreans. These were women who lived fashion. Who appeared as though their lives were a lavish game of dress up. They took so much pride in their appearance — the hats and intricate iPhone cases and dangling jewelry and bright handbags, I was floored by the enthusiasm that accompanied their outfits. It was almost like they were playing fashion week, only all the pretension was absent. It was invigorating and reminded me what attracted me to clothes in the first place: how good they can make you feel if you just let them do their job.

Following the event, I had dinner with the owner of the store and her husband. They took me to their favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurant in the district near an American army base. I couldn’t eat much — most of the food was lathered in meat sauce or doused in seafood juice, and I’m kosher. But they shared the story of how they met (through friends), why she wouldn’t take his last name (no one does that, what’s the point?) and what they do on weekends (work). It had been 25 hours since I’d landed in South Korea and though my peek into their culture was short and lacking nuance, what I found was this: the people are incredibly kind, I felt safe on the streets, there is a lot of respect between the people in their interactions and man, those Koreans love to party. The quality of life seems genuine, an adjective that I don’t use enough to describe mine — figuring that out made the trip so worth it.

Feature collage by Elizabeth Tamkin, lookbook images via Rare Market.

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Oh Boy Podcast Episode 14: Karley Sciortino

Who the heck is Jay Buim? Get to know him here. Want to check out some of the videos he’s done for us, too? Watch this one on our adventures in beauty vlogging, this holiday party how-to, and this little ditty where Leandra asks men what they think about her outfit.

“I want to write a movie about a girl who has a lot of sex and then wins,” Karley Sciortino tells Oh Boy host Jay Buim in this week’s episode. Sciortino founded Slutever, a website that covers sex and relationships in a frank, empowering and approachable way. Her column for Vogue.com, Breathless, does the same.

Sciortino talks about what it was like growing up as a sexually curious teenager in a conservative, religious home and how, once she moved away to London, her perspective on life and friends and career changed entirely. She speaks to the realities of what it means to be a young writer starting out in New York City — often, it means a side job. Perhaps less often, it means a side job as a dominatrix’s assistant, as Karley Sciortino was.

One thing you’ll have in common: she, like everyone else, is just trying to make it.

“If you’re doing something and you feel like, I’m good-enough at this that people are responding in a positive way, it…inspires you,” she tells Buim when he asks what drives her to keep writing despite hard days on the job.

“But also, sometimes…the opposite can inspire you. When you enrage people…if you make something and everyone likes it, that means it’s not very subversive or challenging. You have to make something that enrages some people and still know that it’s good.”

She also tells Jay that she’s on the search to “stay YOLO forever.” What does that mean? Plug your headphones in and find out.

Check out Karley Sciortino’s site, SLUTEVER, and read her Vogue.com column, Breathless, while simultaneously following her on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. Follow host Jay Buim on Instagram here — or visit his website; logo and feature illustration by Kelly Shami.

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Your Awkward Travel Conversation, Sorted.

Like most people fear the dentist, I fear lapse in conversation. A comfortable silence is one thing, but reaching an extreme conversational drought is my straight-up phobia.

When said phobia actualizes, it can get ugly. I overcompensate with chat. I grasp at any (any!) topic that enters my mind, filters be damned. I will ask you where you got that scar. I will tell you what day my cycle is on. In fact, I get so desperate to fill a silence that sometimes I just make noises. Not so absurd like quacking or neighing – no – more like a suggestive hum to denote that I’m thinking carefully and will soon follow up with something verbal. This scenario usually results in an unsaid mental instability diagnosis.

To avoid this, I’ve learned to circumvent scenarios that lead to silence. But learning is a continual process, and while I was traveling in India with my mother earlier this year, my phobia reared its ugly head.

The propensity for this happening during traveling in a duo is high; spending a condensed amount of time with just one other person lends itself to a complete draught of new topics.

We were fine for the first two weeks. It was around day 15 when we both slowed down. We eventually came to a muted standstill, resorting to sounds or singular words each time things grew too quiet: a “wow” when looking out the window, an exhaled “hmm” to denote we were still alive.

The breaking point came when I pretended to be asleep so I wouldn’t have to talk.

Of course, the best solution was admitting that we didn’t need to be partaking in a dynamic discussion around the clock, and that what we were experiencing was (probably) normal between all traveling partners.

The second best solution, however, was devising a list of topic starters for reference next time there was a painful lull. And you know what? It was a conversation in itself.

– “If you could teleport by blinking your eyes, where would you go to right now?” Hopefully your travel buddy doesn’t answer, “Anywhere but here.”

– “Where is your next holiday?” Because nothing is more exciting than planning a holiday while the one you’re on hasn’t even finished. It’s like planning breakfast while eating dinner.

– “Do you think that animals have accents?” Think about it.

– “I like/don’t like your shoes. Where are they from?” The following response will be stimulating.

– “Living or dead, what five guests would you invite to your dream dinner party?” An old classic. Bonus points for meal plan discussion. Double bonus points if you imagine all guests without eyebrows or teeth.

– “What’s the best thing you’ve won?” Nothing gets a person talking like making them feel like a winner.

– “What do you think canned sardines talk about?” They seem like close-proximity-conversation-professionals.

– “You’ve got a bug on your head.” At the very least, action ensues.

And my personal favorite,

– “So. What should we talk about?”

Bring something to the table – what’s your bottom of the barrel conversation suggestion? The holidays are here, which means loads of travel. Better to be prepared than awkward.

Illustrated by Max Dower of Unfortunate Portrait.

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Sale Season From the Point of View of a Credit Card

Dammit, Leandra. You can’t keep doing this to me. Don’t you remember what happened last time? That male figure who is always at home with us threatened to snap me in half like he was a Samsung representative and I was a Motorola flip phone. What would you do if that had happened? Who would get you your coffee in the morning? (We have to talk about that another time — $4.35 for a cappuccino that diminutive is highway robbery.) And by the way, where does he come off threatening us?

Don’t you realize we’re headed down a slippery slope here? I know you think I’m forever because I’m not biodegradable and therefore a hindrance on the environment, but the bank can shut me off whenever they want to. And when that happens, it won’t matter how much you love those $680 shoes that ushered our checking account into a negative balance because they can’t buy you safety. Only I can do that. And you’re not the one who has to live through the tiresome motion of being swiped through machines, some so small and white, they look like pristine butt plugs. They don’t know. I don’t know them. It defiles everything I stand for as a respectable wealth manager.

Oh gosh, there you go. There…you–Leandra! That jacket looks almost exactly like the tweed one you made me swipe twice for at Fivestory’s sample sale last year. And 50% off $2,380 is not free. I have to pay a bill for your rent at the end of this month. How do you anticipate my–for the love of knock offs, you’re not done.

Did you really just put a $600 tweed top in the cart? The last time we bought one of these–dammit Leandra! You will stop at nothing. Chloé clogs? How many clogs have you made us buy in the last two years? If I recall correctly, you haven’t worn a single pair of any of them in the past–Oh! See, there’s a cute idea. That’s a great set of earrings. And at the competitive price of $25, I will not stop you, heck, I’ll recommend you get the wooden pair, too! As a matter of fact, I’ll even auto-refresh your bank sta–no. No. No. No. Absolutely not. What are we doing with a $400 sleep shirt? Do you know how much stuff is in that cart right now? Give it a rest. Don’t blow your load. You’re going to get hungry and need to eat at some point, you know, and who’s going to help you then? You remember what happened last time we got hungry after one of these sales launched, don’t you?

Well, let me remind you. THE COMPANY THAT SENT ME REFUSED TO LET ME BUY YOU LUNCH. That was awkward. Don’t put me in that situa–seriously? We’re still going? Well that’s just lazy thinking. You could get a blue shirt anywhere.

And that’s bad taste. You’ve never worn a pencil skirt before.

Oooooh, shiny. What are you even going to do with neoprene shorts? Ahhhh, I see…

But no.

You’re always turning me into the bad guy, Leandra. You know, I like when you use me, too. But there is a fine line between use and abuse. And this? This is sexual harassment. You have never needed a pinstriped shirt less, and never have you ever worn a bustier top. More boots? Who are you kidding?

Fine, it’s obvious you won’t be stopped. Just get the white top. Heck, go for the extravagantly priced one if you must. I clearly can’t change your mind. But maybe you just have to learn from experience. You think spending $800 dollars on a suede kimono that you will wear, I swear to Chase, no more than once is a good idea? Fine. Be my guest. Starve us both to death. You can take everything from me, but you will not swipe my dignity. Oh no, you’re really going through with it. You’re checking out. Leandra. There are 20 items in your cart. You don’t even have enough days to wear all of this stuff. Need I remind you that we’re out of space as evidenced by the $34 purchase we made at The Container Store last month?

We might be out of an apartment if you go through with…oh no, you’re really…this is it…3713…I’ve long thought about what my death would look like, but I never thought it would come this soon.

I feel like…

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My numbers…

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Are…

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Flashing before my…shredder

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***System failure***

Oh, thank God.

Illustration by Meghann Stephenson. You can follow Meghann on Instagram and Tumblr.

The post Sale Season From the Point of View of a Credit Card appeared first on Man Repeller.

What to Read Over the Holidays

One of the absolute best feelings in the world besides a sun-warmed towel following an ocean dive and the sensation of sticking your hand deep into a barrel of dried beans (these are a few of my favorite things!) is when you’re doing something — anything — and a little itch comes over you to get back to your book.

Your book beckons like no television show or Netflix series or unfinished movie can. You’re confident that cinematic characters pause with the remote, but those people in your book? For all you know they’re running around like maniacs, blurring the pages and breaking shit and acting like rockstars in a hotel room — this even if you’re reading an autobiography on Thomas Jefferson. You have to get back to them.

I’m not sure why that feels so good. Maybe it’s because it’s a little reminder that you do like reading. Isn’t that always strangely reassuring? Especially after you find yourself stuck halfway through a crap novel and give up. It’s like ending a serious relationship: you never think you’ll like or love again, but then you do.

Sometimes it takes a few bad dates in-between. A ton of duds. Nice but not great. Nice but kind of boring. Mediocre dialogue. And then…

Your friend sets you up with the perfect book.

(Oh, sorry, you thought I was still talking about our love lives. I kind of am!)

We at Man Repeller want to be the friends who set you up. Click through the slideshow above for our various picks. Some are old, some are new, some are borrowed and if you’re reading this I promise to give it back!, some actually are blue, and some we’re in the process of finishing — no spoiler alerts.

Add your own favorites in the comments section below. We need new reads for the holiday season, too. The kinds we can’t wait to get back to.

Photographed by Krista Anna Lewis

The post What to Read Over the Holidays appeared first on Man Repeller.