Sale Season From the Point of View of a Credit Card

Dammit, Leandra. You can’t keep doing this to me. Don’t you remember what happened last time? That male figure who is always at home with us threatened to snap me in half like he was a Samsung representative and I was a Motorola flip phone. What would you do if that had happened? Who would get you your coffee in the morning? (We have to talk about that another time — $4.35 for a cappuccino that diminutive is highway robbery.) And by the way, where does he come off threatening us?

Don’t you realize we’re headed down a slippery slope here? I know you think I’m forever because I’m not biodegradable and therefore a hindrance on the environment, but the bank can shut me off whenever they want to. And when that happens, it won’t matter how much you love those $680 shoes that ushered our checking account into a negative balance because they can’t buy you safety. Only I can do that. And you’re not the one who has to live through the tiresome motion of being swiped through machines, some so small and white, they look like pristine butt plugs. They don’t know. I don’t know them. It defiles everything I stand for as a respectable wealth manager.

Oh gosh, there you go. There…you–Leandra! That jacket looks almost exactly like the tweed one you made me swipe twice for at Fivestory’s sample sale last year. And 50% off $2,380 is not free. I have to pay a bill for your rent at the end of this month. How do you anticipate my–for the love of knock offs, you’re not done.

Did you really just put a $600 tweed top in the cart? The last time we bought one of these–dammit Leandra! You will stop at nothing. Chloé clogs? How many clogs have you made us buy in the last two years? If I recall correctly, you haven’t worn a single pair of any of them in the past–Oh! See, there’s a cute idea. That’s a great set of earrings. And at the competitive price of $25, I will not stop you, heck, I’ll recommend you get the wooden pair, too! As a matter of fact, I’ll even auto-refresh your bank sta–no. No. No. No. Absolutely not. What are we doing with a $400 sleep shirt? Do you know how much stuff is in that cart right now? Give it a rest. Don’t blow your load. You’re going to get hungry and need to eat at some point, you know, and who’s going to help you then? You remember what happened last time we got hungry after one of these sales launched, don’t you?

Well, let me remind you. THE COMPANY THAT SENT ME REFUSED TO LET ME BUY YOU LUNCH. That was awkward. Don’t put me in that situa–seriously? We’re still going? Well that’s just lazy thinking. You could get a blue shirt anywhere.

And that’s bad taste. You’ve never worn a pencil skirt before.

Oooooh, shiny. What are you even going to do with neoprene shorts? Ahhhh, I see…

But no.

You’re always turning me into the bad guy, Leandra. You know, I like when you use me, too. But there is a fine line between use and abuse. And this? This is sexual harassment. You have never needed a pinstriped shirt less, and never have you ever worn a bustier top. More boots? Who are you kidding?

Fine, it’s obvious you won’t be stopped. Just get the white top. Heck, go for the extravagantly priced one if you must. I clearly can’t change your mind. But maybe you just have to learn from experience. You think spending $800 dollars on a suede kimono that you will wear, I swear to Chase, no more than once is a good idea? Fine. Be my guest. Starve us both to death. You can take everything from me, but you will not swipe my dignity. Oh no, you’re really going through with it. You’re checking out. Leandra. There are 20 items in your cart. You don’t even have enough days to wear all of this stuff. Need I remind you that we’re out of space as evidenced by the $34 purchase we made at The Container Store last month?

We might be out of an apartment if you go through with…oh no, you’re really…this is it…3713…I’ve long thought about what my death would look like, but I never thought it would come this soon.

I feel like…

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My numbers…

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Are…

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Flashing before my…shredder

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***System failure***

Oh, thank God.

Illustration by Meghann Stephenson. You can follow Meghann on Instagram and Tumblr.

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