Leandra Medine's Blog, page 54
January 10, 2020
Chloë Sevigny Is Pregnant! And I Have 10 Highly Specific Qs for Her Boyfriend
With the pregnancy announcement came a viral visual of the baby’s father who is pulling such an insane all-capital-letters LOOK that I felt I had to get a read on him right away. A quick Google search later, I learned from Page Six that his name is Sinisa Mackovic and he’s the director of the Karma Art Gallery in New York. I know nothing about him other than this. This and the apparent universal truth that he owns at least one white trench coat. Or is it a lab coat? Maybe it’s both. I have more questions, actually. And as an internet dweller—truly, a creature—who always reads celebrity gossip with more than a handful of accompanying questions, I’d like to take a moment, just this once, to indulge them:
1. Is this man, in fact, a chic space pharmacist? And, if not, but especially if so, just how calculated was this debut look?
2. I see the Raf Simons Calvin Klein 205W39NYC steel-toe boots, and I’m wondering: Did they enter Mackovic’s life before or after Chloë? It feels like she had a hand in picking them. I can imagine her saying, “No, Sinisa, not the duck boots again this year, let’s try something a little roguish, okay? You know I like you roguish.” No?
3. Can we get an expert in for a full report on this body language?
4. What are the odds that his sunglasses were worn by at least one character in The Matrix, Matrix: Reloaded, or The Matrix Revolutions?
Follow up question: Is this man from the actual Matrix?
5. Are those pant flaps? Did one pant consume another pant? Is the first pant still well?
6. In one extremely informative article, Mackovic is noted as a fan of the 70s/80s soul band Hot Chocolate. How many times do we think Mackovic and Chloë have listened to “You Sexy Thing” together?
View this post on InstagramA post shared by Siniša (@sinisamackovic) on Feb 25, 2019 at 10:45pm PST
7. Is this Instagram post of Mackovic’s a compilation of Chloë’s collars? If so, can we get the exhibit rolling?
View this post on InstagramA post shared by Siniša (@sinisamackovic) on Sep 23, 2019 at 9:54pm PDT
8. How about a temp check on whether this could actually happen?
Chloe Sevigny’s Dr. Strangelove reboot looks interesting. pic.twitter.com/yJW0DjlWDN
— Cameron Chapman (@cameronchapman) January 8, 2020
9. The real question we all know I want to ask is about what it’s like to knock Calvin Klein 205W39NYC steel-toe boots with Chloë…
10. Just me?
Regardless of whether these burning questions receive answers, I’m pleased to have been taken on this journey and am now off to find a space pharmacist of my own to lock down. I wait with bated breath for the looks both Chloë and Spaceman Sinisa turn throughout this pregnancy. And most of all… for Baby Sevigny.
Photos via Backgrid and Getty Images.
The post Chloë Sevigny Is Pregnant! And I Have 10 Highly Specific Qs for Her Boyfriend appeared first on Man Repeller.
January 9, 2020
Unconventional Life Hack: Eat a Sad Desk Brunch
“Slowly at first, then all at once”—Hemingway’s line is just one of many literary quotes that have fallen victim to over-utilization to the point of tedium. But that’s only because it has yet to be associated with the undertaking of routinely eating lunch at 11:30 a.m. from Monday through Friday. I’m hard-pressed to find a more accurate way to describe the evolution of my weekday meal habits over the past few months, because indeed: What is now one of my most passionate crusades–consuming a salad at my desk before the clock strikes noon–commenced at a cadence that in hindsight could only be called… random.
Guided my ambivalence toward the endeavor known as “breakfast,” I found myself compelled to skip it accelerate straight for lunch (or I guess, given the timing, brunch) a few hours later. When I first sat down under the glare of late-morning florescent office light and contemplated the bucket of kale and sundries before me on this fateful morning, I knew that satiety awaited. What I didn’t know is that my destiny would accompany it. The time on my phone read 11:33 a.m. I forked a gargantuan bite and swallowed.
Before I proselytize further, I must state for the record that I do not recommend skipping breakfast and eating lunch as your first meal of the day if you loooooooveeeeeee breakfast. I would never dream of convincing you to forgo the sweet pleasure of your Wednesday oatmeal or Friday eggs. However, if you–like me–are ambivalent about most quickie weekday breakfast foods but ardently enjoy grilled cheeses, spaghetti with meatballs, hearty salads, lentil soup, sourdough pretzels, french toast, and other fare typically relegated to lunch, dinner, snack time, or brunch, then this protocol has your name written all over it in balsamic vinaigrette. Its benefits are plentiful, but allow me to enumerate some of the most notable for you:
1) You avoid the lunch rush. While the hoards of sweet but foolish innocents cram themselves into Sweetgreen lines and Dig Inn vestibules at “normal” lunch time, you’ll be in and out of whatever eatery you choose to patron in two shakes of tzatziki. Unless you bring your lunch, in which case, you’ll be eating EVEN SOONER.
2) You have the opportunity to ingest one of your favorite meals of the day (a.k.a. lunch) with renewed vigor and enthusiasm, not only because you’ll be hungrier and therefore equipped to eat more than you usually would for lunch, but also because you’ll have yet to hit the inevitable midday slump that occurs with regularity at around 1 p.m and riddles any concurrent meal with a sense of sluggishness.
3) You can get away with eating stuff like an egg sandwich on a bagel without feeling like you’re trespassing on Saturday’s territory.
4) You’ll be decently hungry again at around 3 p.m., which means snack time will take on a whole new, glorious identity. You’ll want (and have plenty of room for!) something equal parts hearty and delicious–like, say, a large chocolate chip cookie. Or a Greek yogurt with fruit and nuts and honey. Or a bag of popcorn. Or hummus with pita chips. Or a little bit of each of them.
Like I said, I only dabbled in the late morning weekday brunch intermittently at first, but eventually it morphed into something I pursued with jubilant deliberateness because of all the reasons listed above. I picked up recruits along the way, too; colleagues who were willing–nay, eager–to join me in my recalibration. I very much advocate for converting others in your office as it’s never easy being ahead of your time–in this case literally–and when it comes to eating roasted cauliflower at strange hours of the day, the more the merrier!
Occasionally you’ll message a regular weekday brunch companion at 11:15 a.m. to see if they’re almost ready to venture forth, and they’ll sheepishly tell you they happened to eat breakfast that morning and won’t be hungry until later. At first it might feel like a particularly piercing betrayal, but after a few disappointments you’ll start to understand: This path isn’t for everyone. It is, in every sense of the word, a calling.
Does anyone else out there engage in purposeful weekday brunching? Let’s congratulate each other in the comments below.
Photos by Jessica Pettway.
Prop Styling by Sara Schipani.
Art Direction by Lorenza Centi.
The post Unconventional Life Hack: Eat a Sad Desk Brunch appeared first on Man Repeller.
How to Figure Out Your Apology Language (And Why You Should)
I recently asked another friend if I should send the letter, or at least a text—some kind of signal that the door was still open on my end, that I wanted to make things right or at least get some closure. But she wisely reminded me that it wasn’t my job to appeal my friend’s decision, it was my job to respect it. So I do. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t spent many nights playing the ending back in my head, trying to see our disagreement it from their point of view, putting more compassionate words in my mouth, trying to make it all work out differently. How could I have been a better friend to them? What could I have done to show them how much I cared?
While investigating the question, I came across the lesser-known sibling of love languages: apology languages. According to Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, the creators of both, there are different ways of saying “I’m sorry,” just as there are different ways to say “I love you.” And each of us may require different words and actions to heal when we’ve been wronged ourselves. Understanding the languages of love and trust in our relationships is crucial to keeping them healthy, and knowing how best to apologize is just as important. Though not directly correlated to love languages, the five apology languages have been offering me clues as to how to approach relationship repair.
Often a sincere apology will contain more than one of these languages, so it can be helpful to gain “fluency” in at least a few. (There are worse things to be than an emotional polyglot.)
Expressing Regret
The first apology language described by Chapman and Thomas is the act of saying (or writing) the words “I’m sorry.” It may seem, at first glance, too rudimentary to qualify as a language (it did to me), but they say the impact of a simple, direct apology shouldn’t be underestimated. Saying “I’m sorry” comes easier to some than others, and the need to hear it can vary too. In some situations, an apology like this is all that’s needed, but in others it needs to be paired with different languages to be effective. For example, attempting to make restitution, another language, without offering an apology can often ring hollow or make someone feel like you’re trying to buy their forgiveness, while saying you’re sorry for something without accepting responsibility or attempting to right the wrong may not be enough.
Might sound something like… I need to apologize for the way I ignored your suggestions, I wish I’d been a better listener.
Accepting Responsibility
In this apology language, it’s important for the apologizer to directly acknowledge the impact their actions and words have had on the person they’ve wronged, rather than making a slew of excuses or blaming circumstances. This can be as simple as changing, “I’m sooo sorry I’m late, the traffic was nuts and I couldn’t find parking!” to “I’m so sorry you had to wait for me–I should have left earlier to get here.” Or it may be as nuanced as recognizing that abuses committed against you don’t give you free license to commit the same to others. The key is to make sure the burden of apology stays with the one who is apologizing–don’t make the mistake of creating distance with phrasing like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” when what really needs to be said is, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
Might sound something like… I know that when I yell like that, I’m repeating patterns I learned as a kid, but I don’t want to treat you like that. I need to work on finding better outlets for my anger so I don’t upset you.
Making Restitution
Restitution can be complicated, especially since it often involves placing a relative value on something after it has been destroyed. A borrowed dress ruined by melted lipstick in the dryer may be easy to quantify, but when it comes to, say, the trust broken by an affair, it gets more complicated.
Regardless of scale, this apology language is all about finding a way to make it right. Often this manifests in matching the scale of the apology to the original mistake—if a coworker throws you under the bus during a meeting, a private apology from them may not be enough. It’s important to note that in some cases, it’s not actually possible to completely rebalance the scales, or that making good on the promise to do so can take time. But for those whose apology language is based around restitution (myself very much included), there’s no substitute for a good faith effort to repair and rebuild.
Might sound something like… Thank you for taking care of me when I got too drunk at the concert last night. I’m really sorry you weren’t able to relax and enjoy it because of me. I’d love to take you to another show, my treat, and make it up to you.
Genuinely Repenting
For this apology language, the key component is changed behavior. Not only must the apologizer acknowledge the wrongness of what they did, they must accompany that acknowledgement with a plan for avoiding the same mistake in the future. For something like forgetting a birthday, this may include telling your friend that you’re putting a recurring event in your calendar for a week beforehand to ensure that you never forget them again, or in more serious contexts, it can take the form of major lifestyle changes like taking steps toward sobriety, cancelling a credit card, or practicing someone’s pronouns before you see them in order to get it right. Where restitution is about fixing the past, repentance is about working to change the future. In other words: What are you going to do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?
Might sound something like… I want you to know that I feel terrible about how I treated you years ago when you came out to me. I didn’t know any better at the time, but I know now that my ignorance and assumptions were wrong and shitty and hurtful. I’d like to rekindle our friendship if you’d give me a chance.
Requesting Forgiveness
This one is interesting to me because, in my own emotional landscape, I have a tough time understanding this as a language on its own. If someone has hurt me and wants me to forgive them, I’d want to see them expressing it in the other languages—expressing regret, accepting responsibility, presenting a strong plan for restitution, including plans for the future—before I considered it. (I’ll admit writing that out makes me self-conscious about being high-maintenance, but reading it again as if someone else wrote it, it sounds reasonable.)
But what resonates for me in Chapman’s explanation of requesting forgiveness is that although the apology (and it’s accompanying restitution and repentance) is the responsibility of the wrongdoer, the power of forgiveness is solely at the discretion of the wronged party. Asking for forgiveness is about giving power back to the person we have hurt. When we earnestly ask for forgiveness, we’re acknowledging that the other person may need something more from us; effort, understanding, or time to reach a place of resolution, and we express willingness to make up the difference on their terms. It allows them to set the timeline for when, or even if, goodwill can be restored in the relationship.
Might sound something like… I know that there’s no excuse for the way I betrayed your trust, but I’m doing my best to be worthy of it now. Can you ever forgive me?
I miss my friend. I wish that I’d been better to them, and that they would give me the opportunity to make it right, but I understand that day may never come. Though we often think of apology and forgiveness as opposite sides of the same emotional equation, the offering of one does not ensure the reception of the other. Asking for forgiveness does not guarantee that it will be given, and no matter how good we think our apology is, or how much effort we think we’ve put into learning and utilizing each other’s love languages and apology languages, sometimes we’re still unable to say what we want to say.
I’m keeping the letter, but I’m learning to let go of the hope that I’ll ever send it. Instead, I’m letting it remind me of the ways I want to be a better friend in the future. It’s helping me remember to take responsibility for the ways I’ve hurt people, and that intent doesn’t outweigh impact. But most of all, it’s helping me remember that relationship repair can’t be done alone.
Graphic by Coco Lashar
The post How to Figure Out Your Apology Language (And Why You Should) appeared first on Man Repeller.
The Outfit Anatomy of Our Market Editor, Who Basically Shops for a Living
Welcome to Outfit Anatomy, a series of comprehensive style analyses that aim to break down what we wear by answering questions like: How much did that cost? Where did you find that? Why did you buy it in the first place? Up this week is Elizabeth Tamkin, Market Strategist at Man Repeller.
I wore this on a pretty regular workday last November. As our Market Strategist, I go to a lot of market appointments—sometimes five or more per day. At these appointments, different designers or publicists or showroom runners walk me through new collections. I take pictures to send back to the team and when we’re styling shoots, we review them to determine whether any of what I’ve seen fits with the story. On this day, I went to three appointments. I started my day in Midtown, worked my way over to MRHQ, which is just north of Houston Street, then walked to the West Village and TriBeCa for two more appointments before heading to Chinatown for a shoot.
Shoes are often the first thing I consider when I’m getting dressed—I prioritize how they look with my outfit over comfort most of the time, but I’m getting better about that. I’ve made the mistake of wearing insane platforms when I know I’m going to be walking a ton, or wearing flats when it’s freezing cold simply because the shoes looked better with the outfit. But I made a sound decision on this day with these Labucq platform penny loafers. They retail for $350, but I got them at a press appointment earlier this season as a gift from the brand. I wear them a few times a week—they are really comfortable, and not just for a heel. They remind me of a school uniform loafer, but with an edge. I only like loafers if the heel is the same color as the body. Something about a single color shoe design looks more thoughtfully crafted to me.
I know I’m actually excited about a garment when outfits start rushing to my head.
The biggest “statement piece” in this outfit is probably my vest, by Miu Miu, from The RealReal. It is two sizes too big but it was $100 with 20% off, so I call it a great marriage between a vest and a duster for my 5’3″ frame. I purchased it right before Fashion Week in September. I’d been on the site doing some market research for a story and I don’t know how long the vest had been online, but I bought it pretty impulsively because I knew I’d have a million ways to wear it—I could see, like, five exact outfits I’d wear with it from my pre-existing closet. I know I’m actually excited about a garment when outfits start rushing to my head. I thought about tailoring it, but I actually love the oversize fit. This is only the second time in my almost five-year career at Man Repeller where I have impulse-purchased an item while doing market research. Both times the purchases were from The RealReal. (The other time was a pair of Chanel boots three years ago. I still own and wear them.)
I’m wearing a tie-dye dress by Cotton Citizen under the vest. I don’t wear it often, but when I do, it’s usually hiked up like this from the side-line drawstrings so it looks like a top.
The newest thing I’m wearing are these $69 knit stirrup leggings from COS, I bought them on my phone when they came out in early October because stirrups make a good case for styling leggings over shoes and it was getting cold. They’re insulated so I don’t freeze when I wear them. (This is actually the second time I’ve worn them this week.) My bag is by a brand called For the Ages—it’s a pretty new brand and they only make one style in a bunch of different colors. I don’t wear it a ton because of the delicate fabric. I’m careful with my shoes but for whatever reason have a terribly difficult time keeping bags in good shape.
These cuffs, by Lizzie Fortunato are about a year old. I first saw them on Leandra when I started working at Man Repeller. She would take them off to hike up shirt cuffs on models when she was styling shoots. I usually wear them at the cuff on my blazer to do the same, but I take them off at the office because it’s hard to type with them. I wear two or three of these necklaces almost every day. The pearl one is by Wolf Circus and retails for $160. The gold chain is by a brand called Missoma and retails for just over $200. I was really drawn to the irregular links on it. Both have super-easy clasps which is probably why I wear them both so much. The two-tone necklace is from a brand called 26 Juin; I love that it goes so perfectly with my two-tone watch.
It’s not flashy and it’s modest in size—two characteristics I appreciate in an everyday item.
This watch, by the way, is easily the oldest item I’m wearing, which I’ve owned for the longest. It’s probably 30 years old—my dad gave it to my mom after they moved from New York City to Toronto–where I was eventually born–for his job. It’s not flashy and it’s modest in size—two characteristics I appreciate in an everyday item. My mom wore it for probably 25 years before giving it to me. When I see it on my wrist I imagine it on hers, peeking out of a sweater set or shirt. She wore it for all occasions. My mom is so powerful and smart and loving and she is always–always–right. Wearing it makes me feel really safe. I wear it every single day and have to reset it every morning because it’s manual. Very old school, but worth it for the sentimentality.
The sunglasses are by Apercu. They’re connected to a chain by DONNI. I feel like wearing sunglasses with a chain became a thing in 2017 when Leandra introduced me to a Lucy Folk style. She was into it briefly, but it’s become a staple of my look. This thick chain reminds me of the Gucci chain for the 2020 Spring runway, ka-ching. I wear these with the chain most days–rain or shine. Sunglasses are a comfort for me: they’re like a mask. I think I use them the way a lot of people use makeup–they distract from the physical characteristics that I’m not at peace with, like having tired eyes or pimples.
I measure my love for my belongings by how sad I’d be if I lost them, and though I really like all the “fluff” pieces I’m wearing: the shoes, the jewelry, the sunglasses + chain, I’d survive if they disappeared. The core of the outfit–the leggings and shirt-turned-dress–could be swapped out for a million other items but if the vest or watch were to go missing, I’d be really bummed. I guess because it’s not about what they are but what they represent–my mom on the one hand, and the thrill of my hustle, on the other. As told to Leandra Medine.
Photos by Joshua Aronson.
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Why Distraction Can Be Just as Important as Action in Times of Hopelessness
Australia—my home—is currently experiencing some of the worst bushfires on record. At least 12 million acres have burned, people have died, and experts have predicted we’ve lost over one billion animals, including 8,000 koalas. The fires are devastating and I… am devastated.
Since the fires began, my phone, more than ever, has become my lifeline to home. I spent last weekend attached to it, lying in bed until noon each day, refreshing every social media app, watching live news updates. The more I scrolled, the more hopeless I felt. I donated money, encouraged others to do the same, but I felt myself spiraling so fast I started to find it hard to think of anything but the fires. By the early afternoon, I felt sick. I needed something—anything—that would separate me from my phone, so I went for a run. I ran fast. I ran far. And I felt better. After a morning of action, I had gifted myself a tiny distraction and, in return, just like the deep breath I allow myself to take every time I watch an episode of The Office, it gave me temporary relief from the heartache.
Over the last two weeks, amidst ongoing feelings of hopelessness, I’ve been leaning increasingly on this exchange. And the idea that, as Newton (almost) put it, every action deserves an equal and opposite distraction.
In times of crisis—as it feels like we so often are these days—taking action is imperative. It’s why we donate, march, call our representatives, and support those who need us. But what I’m starting to realize is that with action comes a desperate need for the little distractions that bring us joy and give us space to replenish our emotional stocks. Here are some ways I’ve been putting my law of action and distraction into practice:
Action: Check bank account. Calculate upcoming expenses. Donate more money. Feel thankful to be in a financial position to do so.
Distraction: Watch Season 2, Episode 12 of The Office. Hope that Pam and Jim get together soon.
Action: Find Australian businesses that have been affected by the fires to support. Share mental health resources with friends who are struggling.
Distraction: Take a walk around the block. Listen to a song that makes me want to dance.
Action: Make a list of ways I can lower my carbon footprint.
Distraction: Invite a friend over for dinner. Research vegan recipes.
Action: Call my mum. Ask how she is doing.
Distraction: Text back a non-Australian friend who asked how I am doing.
If you’re looking for ways to take action on the bushfires, I’ve been donating to the Australian Red Cross bushfire appeal, NSW Rural Fire Service, and Wires native animal rescue (here are some other ways you can join the relief effort). And if you’re also looking for ways to reenergize, like me, join me by sharing one of your go-to ways below.
What are the small things that bring you joy in moments of chaos? How are you looking after yourself, so you can look after others?
Graphic by Lorenza Centi.
The post Why Distraction Can Be Just as Important as Action in Times of Hopelessness appeared first on Man Repeller.
January 8, 2020
Has Dating in New York Gotten Easier or Harder? 8 New Yorkers Weigh In
It’s highly unlikely that sociologists of yore could have predicted the immense romantic potential of the digit known as the opposable thumb. But for most of the last decade, “swiping” has reigned supreme. Those who do not enjoy their first romantic encounter by way of an app are strictly an exception to the rule, and thus, by the transitive property, the thumb is today’s true arbiter of love.
But for those of us living in cities, sometimes it feels absurd that we’d require a digital interface to make introductions in the midst of millions of living, breathing, sentient beings. And of course, for decades, people didn’t. Thirty, 50, 70 years ago, dating in the city set itself to a different tune: There were phone calls! From landlines! Blind dates! Subway meet-cutes! CBGB’s!
Vintage charm aside, dating back then came with its own set of woes and stock complaints, as explored in popular culture with…some dedication. Which begs the question: Before the emergence of internet courtship, was dating better or worse? To find out, using the always fruitful case study of the five boroughs, I reached out to New Yorkers of all ages—among them, a Grindr-fluent high school student, a 92-year-old former nun, and a guy who fears “getting me-tooed”—about the trappings of dating in their heydays. From the best (and worst) parts of dating in their era to their typical date, here’s what they had to say about the nature of looking for love in the Empire State.
The Best Part of Dating…
In the ’50s & ’60s:
“I was in my 20s when I moved back to New York. I had my first job teaching in a private coeducational school in Brooklyn. I was finally free from my strict Catholic family moores. I shared an apartment with a girl who was a social worker at the foundling hospital. It was a fifth-floor walk up and although I had very little money (and none from home) it was a wonderful time for me.
This was really my first experience with serious dating and the freedom from scrutiny made it all the more enjoyable. We held very inexpensive dinner parties in our apartments and cooked spaghetti and drank too much—which was all fun and well. There were no barriers except those one imposed upon oneself. We dated across all sorts of ethnic and racial lines and I was surprised to later read about how very uptight the early 50’s were, because it was not my experience at all. It was a glorious time to be in New York. The war was over and there was a lot of optimism about the future and in my experience very little censure.”
—Marydean D., 92
In the ’70s:
“The best part of dating in NYC was the opportunity to connect with so many interesting, creative people, all of whom I would never have come to know under other circumstances. Actually, that was the reason I came to NYC from Kansas in the first place.”
—Deborah D., 68
In the ’80s:
“In high school, I’d done almost all of my dating at malls. We were always at the mall. It was where we would go on dates. It was where we would go to meet boys. It was where we would go to talk about boys. So when I moved to New York and there weren’t any malls, I was completely thrown off. But at that time, I was in college at NYU, and it was just such fun. We were all so young and so excited about how much freedom we had and we’d all come from these small towns which made everything extra shiny.”
—Kathryn N., 64
In the ’90s:
“I honestly think the ‘90s were the peak era of bars and restaurants and venues in New York. I don’t mean just the Studio 54s of the world—I’m talking about the great dives, and the excellent delis. No better era for dating establishments. Also, you could smoke indoors — which was sexy for all the reasons it was terrible.”
—Ryan T., 49
In the 2000s:
“I LOVE talking to strangers, which makes me a total weirdo in 2019—so it’s a good thing I’m not really on the dating scene anymore. When I was dating, I mostly met women at parties or in bars. I met my spouse playing on a recreational soccer team in Brooklyn, which is honestly a great story and I love to tell it. But I think just before all the apps and online platforms came into prominence, it was great to date because you had the freedom to connect more with people around you without being scared of getting ‘me too-ed’ or coming off as a psycho.”
—Dave K., 35
In the 2010s
“Options! And less gender stereotypes or ‘rules’ about dating of the kind you used to see in women’s magazines. I can’t speak to what dating in other eras was like, but I definitely appreciate that I can be myself on dates now and that I don’t feel pressure to perform in a certain way as a woman. It’s also fun (and terrifying) to have this weird rolodex of options on your phone for those phases when you really want to get out there and meet someone new.”
—Emma W., 26
“I think people are more open. You can have conversations about dead parents, and mental health, and vibrators, and politics, without feeling shame or sheepishness.”
—Lily S., 25
Today:
“My friends and I don’t actually do much dating. Most of what everyone does is, like, hook up. Everyone is more interested in the FWB thing—‘friends with benefits.’ We use apps, obviously. Mostly Tinder and Grindr. The apps are cool because we all go to different schools spread across the city so it’s nice that we don’t just have to date kids who go to our same schools. There are so many people our age who are close by. Also, it’s really easy to find other gay guys online, but sometimes, at school, it’s a lot harder to know how to approach or who wants to be approached or whatever. I guess in other generations there weren’t so many gay guys who were out in high school, but I’m not sure what the numbers are or anything.”
—Nicky D., 17
The Worst Part of Dating…
In the ’50s & ’60s:
“I grew up in a close-knit Catholic family attending a private Catholic school, so dating was certainly limited. At 16, I had a boyfriend called Ned whom I dated when I visited friends in Connecticut. We did a lot of kissing outside of the house where no one could see.
Girls in my situation were not encouraged to be alone with a boy at all, but I managed it somehow and never talked about it. Dances were scheduled by our single-sex schools and they were very uncomfortable, because the girls stood on one side of the room and the boys on the other. The nuns and priests seemed to be everywhere and those affairs were certainly not much fun.
I remember a retreat at my school which was in Suffern, New York. The priest drew two lines on the black board; one was short, about a foot long, and the other was at least three feet long. Pointing to the shorter line, the priest said that this was a boy’s self control. Pointing to the long line, he said that this was a girl’s self control. So if there was any crossing the line (sex was never mentioned), it most certainly was the girl’s fault!”
—Marydean
In the ’70s:
“The dating landscape at the time could be very superficial. It felt like a glamorous time to be young in New York but that could make things feel very surface level. For that reason, unless I was introduced by someone I knew, I avoided meeting people at bars and clubs.”
—Deborah
In the ’80s:
“I was nervous all the time. I didn’t know the city that well so I didn’t know my way around much—and without cell phones that meant that every date, especially if it was a guy I didn’t know, was a bit risky. Plus, I wasn’t very good with boys.”
—Kathryn
In the ’90s:
“I dressed really badly. I think that was really the number one thing standing in my way. I also had four roommates, which isn’t really a turn-on for most people. I mostly frequented gay bars or parties hosted by gay men because it was easiest to guarantee that I would meet a guy who was out of the closet and who I actually enjoyed talking to. Those were also just…the people I really wanted to be around.”
—Ryan
In the 2000s:
“In retrospect, communication was a little bit more up in the air. In my more recent dating life, I did most of my communicating via text. But before everyone texted all the time, we made phone calls. And phone calls, as I’m sure you’re aware, are often more awkward than text messages. I generally found that if I’d gone on a good date, the best MO was to just make another plan—with a time and a place and everything—while on the first date. And then, if either of us changed our minds, we could call to cancel, but we’d definitely start out with a plan in place.
The worst part about that was that this is New York and there are an infinite number of reasons that you’d be late for something. But of course you couldn’t just text and say, the A train is fucked.”
—Dave
In the 2010s:
“There seems to be a general apathy towards dating. I feel like everyone always thinks there’s someone better they could be with, so they let things fizzle out before really getting to know someone (I’m guilty of this myself). Also, this might just be because I’m a straight woman with many straight women friends, but it feels like there are all of these amazing, motivated, talented women all over New York and not enough single men who are in that headspace in their 20s and 30s. I don’t know if it’s because men think they should be sowing their wild oats during this time or what, but I’ve had this conversation with so many people of different genders/sexualities who can’t even name a single, normal, datable straight guy they would recommend to a friend. I don’t know if I blame New York or if it’s a bigger phenomenon?”
—Emma
“50 years ago, you dated to get married. Now the purpose of dating has a much broader, much more complicated purpose. Is it about self-awareness? Is it for sex and pleasure? Is it ultimately for partnership? Dating apps have also changed how we meet people. I hate them, I want to know how someone carries themselves, what their voice sounds like, their gestures. You can’t do any of that via Hinge or Bumble or Tinder. Its impersonal and superficial. Some people have success on them but to me, the banter is like a whole second job.”
—Lily
Today:
“It’s tough to actually meet people at school because of the apps. When you watch movies, all of the flirting and dating stuff happens at school. But I think most people my age aren’t really into finding actual significant others. Especially when I use Grindr, it’s definitely not like that. It’s just like…physical. It’s usually kind of awkward.”
—Nicky
Where and How You Meet People…
In the ’50s and ’60s:
“Most of the people I dated in those years were either from Columbia, where I was working on my masters, or from the Berghoff studio, where I was studying acting.”
—Marydean
In the ’70s:
“I mostly dated people that were introduced to me by mutual friends through my work at Ford Models or acting classes I was taking in the city. I met my first husband, who was a photographer, on a photo shoot. We came from different countries and had very different home and family lives. But in spite of all our differences, we connected immediately. I think the fact that we’d both come so far from home in order to be in NYC was a great starting point. When he passed away seven years later I eventually eased back out into the dating world. Then, in my 30’s, dating again was a very different experience. Of course, I was changed too, but the scene seemed less free, and more guarded, or goal-oriented.
—Deborah
In the ’80s:
“For the most part, just through school.”
—Kathryn
In the ’90s:
“Mostly through friends of friends. I feel like we were always doing something. Someone was in a show and we all had to go, and of course, there was an after party. Or there was a protest, or a meeting, or a friend’s band playing downtown. There were so many social engagements, so there was always the guarantee that you could meet someone new”.
-Ryan
In the 2000s:
“Definitely doing an activity. It’s hard to strike up casual conversations at bars full of strangers, but anytime there’s an activity involved, it’s so much easier. So many bars here do a trivia night or a game party. Shuffleboard is like…the cool thing. I once went to a murder mystery dinner party. Stuff like that makes it really easy to start conversations so you don’t feel like you’re being a total creep when you approach someone.“
—Dave
In the 2010s:
“I feel like it’s a pretty even split for me between mutual friends, bars, and the apps.”
—Emma
“I started a thing with a friend of mine that we call ‘boyfriend Saturdays.’ It’s the anti-dating app. We’d go to parties on Saturdays with the caveat that we each had to meet one new person, be open, be flirty, and then, not focus on dating for the other six nights of the week. The whole thing was in service of self-care, friends, exercise, and so on. It wasn’t fool proof but it made the off-nights more about us and the on-nights more open and social.”
—Lily
Today:
“When I dated girls, I met them at school. But with boys, I use Grindr.”
—Nicky
A Typical Date…
In the ’50s & ’60s:
“We usually finished classes at about 10 or 11 p.m. and spent the rest of the evening together, mostly in local bars.”
—Marydean
In the ’70s:
“We went to the movies. Always the movies. We saw truly everything—there was nothing we didn’t see!”
—Deborah
In the ’80s:
“I went on a lot of coffee dates. At the time, I was mostly going on dates with other students so we’d call them ‘study dates’ and we’d drink coffee and open our books. Within an hour or two, we’d be at a pub.”
—Kathryn
In the ’90s:
“When I was really dating, we were out every night. I’d go on a date—out for drinks somewhere—and if it went well, we’d end up on a dance floor. Actually, I used to frequent this place called Johnny’s in the West Village. It was ultra-divey which made it that much more fun when we’d end up at a club.”
—Ryan
In the 2000s:
“I was pretty hard and fast about sit-down dinners. If I was bothering to show up for a date at all I wanted it to be good and substantial, you know? Odds were, I wasn’t dating more than one or two people at the same time, so I wasn’t trying to squeeze a bunch of dates into my schedule. I had three restaurants I loved for dates—two in the East Village and one in Brooklyn Heights.
I’d say if the date itself was less than two hours, it went poorly. That would mean that we hadn’t connected—dinners can last five hours if you want them to.”
—Dave
In the 2010s:
“I always just do drinks. I think that’s probably the most normal. We meet up at a bar, have one drink and part ways if it’s bad, have 3+ drinks and hookup if it’s good, and…I’m still working on some kind of normal, sustainable in-between.”
—Emma
“I don’t date that much—so dates, when I choose to go on them, feel pretty special. Once I went to four spots in one night: a three-hour dinner at a restaurant, dessert somewhere else, drinks a third place, you get the idea. Another time, I had a 24-hour date that I made a vintage shopping itinerary for. I think that’s how you get to know people best.”
—Lily
Today:
“We’re all underage so sometimes we’ll meet up to go to a party but usually we go to public places like a Starbucks or a park. Sometimes people come meet us and we all just hang out with our friends because the date will be awkward if we do it alone.”
—Nicky
A Go-To Dating Anecdote…
In the ’50s & ’60s:
“I met Al in 1956 when we starred in an off-off-Broadway play. We lived together until we married the following year. Earlier, though, our first serious date had ended with sex and disaster. I don’t want to go into the details, but, of course, we patched things up. Then we went on to act opposite one another on many occasions in many different shows. And, well, he was my life partner.”
—Marydean
In the ’70s:
“If I hadn’t met my second husband while walking my dog, I think I would have given up dating altogether. It wasn’t enjoyable for me, exactly. But now, 27 years and one son later, I know that the intuition I’d had about giving this a chance was absolutely correct. Living in this city has provided a wealth of opportunity for me, dating and otherwise, but what I’ve learned, most of all, is that the key is knowing what does and does not feel right to you.”
—Deborah
In the ’80s:
“I do remember one date in particular where I went to a boy’s apartment that was a six-floor walkup. I thought I was going to pass out on the stairs. And once we were there, he made breakfast for dinner—pancakes and orange juice, with a record playing. It was such fun.”
—Kathryn
In the ’90s:
“My kids would kill me if I let you print any of my best dating anecdotes. That’s a conversation for another time…off the record.”
—Ryan
In the 2000s:
“Well…like I said about my spouse. We met playing on a soccer team together on the Lower East Side. I think that’s just the most wholesome story.”
—Dave
In the 2010s:
“I’m scared if I tell you, one of my former first dates will read this story…”
—Emma
“I went on a date with someone whose age I didn’t know—I don’t think he knew mine either. Eventually, we determined that I was five years younger than he thought I was, and that he had two children…while looking shockingly hot for a dad.”
—Lily
Today:
“Umm….well I dated a boy for a while who Catfished me. He said he went to a different school and had a different name and stuff and it was kind of a big deal. It was a whole thing. But yeah, stuff like that is pretty scary, especially while I’m still young.”
—Nicky
Graphics by Lorenza Centi.
The post Has Dating in New York Gotten Easier or Harder? 8 New Yorkers Weigh In appeared first on Man Repeller.
The Art of Trying to Coordinate Outfits, as Told by the ‘Little Women’ Cast’s Group Chat
The occurrence of January’s annual vacation-is-over-but-here-are-some-celebrities extravaganza that is the Golden Globes on Sunday crystallized a question that had been brewing since I started seeing photos of the new Little Women‘s cast making internet rounds: How extensively do ensemble casts coordinate their red carpet outfits? The Little Women cast is an obvious trigger for this curiosity, considering the number of exciting stars involved and their collective relevance to the film’s plot–everyone is important and therefore everyone’s outfit is important. And when you consider the fact that Timothée alone has enough sartorial power to disrupt a day’s worth of headlines, the stakes grow even higher.
If I know anything about group outfit discussion–and I know a lot, because I am a human woman who lived in dorms for nine years–I know that it can precede even the most mundane of group excursions, so I have to imagine that it transpires before decidedly not-mundane events like award shows and movie premieres. Ergo, I’d guess that the cast of Little Women has a group chat, and I’d guess that the content of said group chat looks a lot like this:
Three weeks before the New York premiere on December 7th…
Emma Watson: Our New York premiere is SO SOON. What is everyone wearing? I’m doing a black Balenciaga thing.
Timothée Chalamet: 10 points for Gryffindor!
Emma Watson: Keep that up and you’re headed straight to Slytherin, peach boy.
Eliza Scanlen: Not sure yet. My stylist wants me to wear this white gown from Khaite so I’m leaning toward that. It’s very Princess Leia.
Saoirse Ronan: Omg should we all wear black and white? We’ll look so chic in the group pics.
Greta Gerwig: I’m down!!!!
Laura Dern: You guyyyyyyyyys I already picked out my dress and it’s not black or white it’s midnight blue with sparkles and it makes me feel like a Leo even though I’m an Aquarius.
James Norton: In that case I’ve got a blue velvet tux in mind that has rumors of our potential friendship written all over it.
Emma Watson: Has anyone heard from Florence?
Three days before the Paris premiere on December 12th…
Timothée Chalamet: Everyone’s doing jewel-tone ‘fits tomorrow, right??
Saoirse Ronan: You bet your Willy Wonka costume I am.
Greta Gerwig: Coming in hot with an emerald situation!!!
Florence Pugh: Guys. I had an emergency.
Timothée Chalamet: Florence!
Saoirse Ronan: NOT AGAIN FLORENCE
Florence Pugh: Sorry!!!! I found out last minute that I look ravishing in beige.
Louis Garrel: If Florence is wearing beige can I just wear a black suit and dad sneakers?
One day before the London photo call on the morning of December 16th…
Greta Gerwig: We decided we’re not trying to coordinate this time, right?
Florence Pugh: Nope 
This Is Exactly What MR Readers Have for Breakfast Every Day
I have the same thing for breakfast every single morning: a banana, some frozen blueberries, a handful of baby spinach, a spoonful of ground flaxseed, a sprinkle of collagen powder, two spoonfuls of rolled oats, a teaspoon of peanut butter, half a glass of oat milk, and some water, pulverized into a smoothie, which I drink after my morning shower, before I do my makeup. I’ve been making this smoothie—or a variation of it—for longer than I’ve been with my long-term partner (almost six years, for those playing at home).
On weekends, I might mix things up a little with a slice of Trader Joe’s sourdough toast with Vegemite and avocado. Some Sundays, I get a bacon-egg-cheese from my favorite bodega—a new habit I’ve formed since living in New York. But most days, it’s a smoothie—my smoothie—that helps me start the day right. And despite once being a rebellious teen who skipped eating every morning, I’m still shocked whenever I hear that a friend’s first meal of the day is lunch. Even if breakfast being the most important meal of the day was a scam sold to us by Big Cereal, for me it’s about more than feeling full and nourished, it’s about having something delicious to look forward to when I wake up. It’s a small ritual I find delight in.
But the breakfast options in the Man Repeller office are mixed. Some people forgo it altogether (Haley and Harling), others have hot takes about popular breakfast foods (Leandra), and others are just stumped as to what they should even have (almost everyone). This is why we decided to put the quietly controversial question out to the MR Instagram community and ask: What do you have for breakfast? Below, you’ll see what 550+ MR readers are actually eating every morning—and you might even find something that inspires you to shake things up tomorrow morning.
Before we dig in, a special shoutout to the reader who has ice cream for breakfast every day, and the other who swears by a breakfast salad. Maybe you two should get together one morning for a perfect two-course meal?
Feature Image via Everett Collection.
Graphic by Lorenza Centi.
The post This Is Exactly What MR Readers Have for Breakfast Every Day appeared first on Man Repeller.
January 7, 2020
Unconventional Life Hack: Leave Your Headphones at Home
My t-shirt was oversized and baby pink, thrifted by my brother and emblazoned with the teenage sentiment “NO SHIT” in big block letters. I’d worn it several times before to little fanfare, but maybe I just hadn’t been able to hear it—this solo walk down the block was one of the first I’d done without headphones in months. Over the 13 minutes it took roundtrip, I heard several things I’d forgotten existed: the swish of the trees that canopy over my street; the echoing bounce of kids playing basketball at the nearby school; the gravelly sound of teens riding skateboards down the street; the woman in the big fur coat calling me baby.
Without the padding of syncopated sound being beamed into my ears, I heard the music of my surroundings.
All the little details conspired to a sum greater than their parts. I felt alive, present, connected. No longer the protagonist of my suffocating inner world but a character in my neighborhood. A little human on her way to buy garlic, sharing the sidewalk with local kids, breathing the oxygen expelled by local plants, misunderstanding the chatter of local birds. Without the padding of syncopated sound being beamed into my ears, I heard the music of my surroundings. I was perceiving without protection. And it felt good.
Since then I’ve deigned to walk around sans headphones more often. Sometimes it can be boring in a benign way, like peeing without Instagram. But it can be unpredictable and delightful, too. Like when I heard the entire romantic history of a violin player on the F train, or noticed my neighbor’s infectious laugh. The sounds of the city remind me that I live in New York, make me privy to funny conversations I’d otherwise never hear, and reconnect me with the natural spoils of my fifth sense, which I’ve been dulling with playlists and podcasts for years. What I’m listening to is essentially background noise, but when I bring it to the forefront at the right moment, it sounds essential.
In Jenny Odell’s book How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy, she explores this phenomenon in detail. As a burgeoning birdwatcher, she had to learn to distinguish between hearing and listening—or what composer Pauline Oliveros calls “deep listening.” Odell says the goal and the reward of deep listening to your surroundings is a heightened sense of receptivity. As Oliveros put it, “[O]ur cultural training dominantly promotes active manipulation of the external environment through analysis and judgment, and tends to devalue the receptive mode which consists of observation and intuition.” In other words, we’re drawn to blasting curated sounds into our ears instead of receiving the natural ones around us. For Odell, birdwatching required she listen to her environment in a more active way. Instead of passively perceiving everyday tweets and chirps or ignoring them completely, she listened to them with a focus that transformed them into song. The gritty sounds of New York can do the same thing (and there’s a surprising number of birds).
It connects me with people instead of protecting me from them.
I still commute with music more often than I don’t—I’m as addicted to the dopamine hit as your average Candy Crush player on the subway. But I’m making a habit of leaving my headphones at home from time to time (and my phone in my pocket, too.) It reminds me that I’m a participant in my surroundings rather than a victim or benefactor of them; it connects me with people instead of protecting me from them. And most of all, it restores my relationship with the physical world, serving as a tiny rejection of the isolation inherent in living online.
It’s such a mild suggestion, possibly laughable to a certain subset of the population, but if you haven’t tried it in a while, I recommend it. Listening to the air around you is a quieter kind of satisfying, and a less immediate one. But if you listen closely, you might hear something you didn’t know you needed.
Feature photo by Alistar Matthews.
Prop Styling by Sara Schipani.
A
rt Direction by Lorenza Centi.
The post Unconventional Life Hack: Leave Your Headphones at Home appeared first on Man Repeller.
How to Shop Etsy Like a Pro (MR Market Strategist Eliz, Specifically)
I discovered Etsy back in 2011 when shopping for a bow tie collar for my then new puppy, Bow. At the time, I had no idea this (admittedly niche) search would lead me to what is now one of my greatest sources of shopping inspiration, both personally and professionally. I now look for vintage additions to my own wardrobe on Etsy constantly, and as Man Repeller’s Market Strategist, I often use it to link up stories where the clothes are not current-season items–like for Office Apropos or Ruby Redstone’s column. And then there’s always the random wild card shoot when Etsy saves the day–just last month, Harling asked me to find a tartan mid-length green kilt for a holiday story, and I did so on Etsy for $39.69.
For those who don’t use it professionally, I know Etsy can be overwhelming, and that’s why I’m sharing some of the helpful tricks I’ve stored in my 1970s sleeves. Scroll down for my carefully honed strategy.
Search With a Purpose
I used to sometimes peruse Etsy aimlessly, looking at sellers I was familiar with, and always wound up purchasing things I didn’t really need or that I didn’t wind up loving. Unlike other online retailers, Etsy isn’t a particular curation of items specially organized with taste and/or ease in mind, so it’s best to shop there when you already have something very specific you’re looking for.
To that point, choose your search terms thoughtfully. Searching for a “white shirt” is different from searching for a “white blouse,” which is different from a “womens vintage white blouse,” which is different from a “womens vintage white puff sleeve blouse,” which is still different from searching for what you really want, which is probably a “womens vintage embroidered white puff sleeve blouse.” By the way, they have really good ones.
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Narrow Things Down as Much as Possible
The category boxes on the left side of the Etsy homepage are like cuticles: seemingly unimportant but ultimately vital and therefore not ideal to overlook. They let you control everything from price to color to whether the items that appear are vintage or homemade, which means you’ll find whatever it is you’re looking for much faster.
Double Check the Material
Contributing writers Ruby Redstone and Anna Gray have both pointed out that it’s important to consider material when shopping vintage, and this is particularly true on Etsy since you aren’t feeling the item in person. I once purchased a shirt that looked perfect and beautiful without reading what it was made out of, and wound up with a polyester blouse that awkwardly clung to me. Stick to natural materials like cotton, silk, or wool.
Contact the Seller With Questions
If you have any questions–about material, size, the original source of item, shipping time, etc.–you can (and should!) contact the seller. The link button to do so is usually located at the bottom right of the listing, below the shipping information. I’ve contacted sellers many times when shopping for editorials to make sure I would receive the item in time for the photoshoot. I’ve also asked denim sellers to give me a better feel for the US size of a pair of jeans if it happened to be listed in European sizing. I’ve asked to see additional photos, too. Oftentimes the seller will also send you tracking directly and sometimes (!!) a coupon code for a discount.
Be on High Alert for Potential Discounts
Speaking of discounts… Etsy has certain periods when they run amazing discounts! Sometimes they can be at random times, so I would recommend setting up an account and “favoriting” the pieces you’re interested in so you’ll receive an email whenever something goes on sale.
Set a Budget *Before* You Shop
I never spend more than $100 on Etsy. This is a hard and fast rule I repeat to myself every time I’m shopping on the site, because I know from experience that it’s possible to find amazing vintage pieces at wallet-friendly prices. I recommend setting a firm spending limit before you commence your search, lest you get tempted by a pair of Chanel wedges you really do not need (I’ve resisted those specific ones many, many times).
Judge Photos With a Grain of Salt
Etsy has a special marketplace section where photos are professional and actual businesses run all of their sales; however, a lot of the best vintage items are sold by individual sellers who take photos with their phone or a hand-held camera. Trust that a wrinkled blouse could be easily steamed smooth, or that a promising cardigan will look even more promising in non-fluorescent light–and as I said before, you can always request more photos!
Chat with me in the comments below if you want any second opinions, tips on specific items, and all that fun jazz. It would be my pleasure to help with your Etsy score. It would also be my pleasure to hear any tricks you have up your pink tulle sleeve.
The post How to Shop Etsy Like a Pro (MR Market Strategist Eliz, Specifically) appeared first on Man Repeller.
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